Original subtitles

I mean, I'm 30,000 feet in the air, right?

They're saying, "Kevin, come on, please.

Kevin, you got to put on a parachute."

Everybody's going, "Please, please Kev."

This point, they're begging me.

Well, tell me that the story ends

with you wearing the parachute.

- Absolutely fucking not. No.

No, no. I wanted to be authentic, right?

- It's got to be real. - Yeah.

You know what Tom Cruise calls parachutes?

Diapers.

Is that because they fill up when you're falling?

No. Tom told me, he said,

"Kevin, if they put me in a parachute,

they might as well put a diaper on me

and send me to pasture."

Look, Kevin...

you know, based on the success of the first one,

we see massive franchise potential

with The Jeffersons.

And, you know, your agent just keeps saying

that you might be waffling on doing a sequel.

And I'm just here to ask, is it about the money?

Look, Deb, The Jeffersons is amazing, right?

We did amazing work there, but I'll be honest,

when I walk on that set, I feel like I'm being babysat.

I mean, they give me goddamn stunt coordinators.

I have--I have stage managers, uh, wires, green screens.

Yes. And-and somehow you still manage

to jump out of an airplane without a chute.

I wasn't telling the truth when I told you that,

but I forgot to say I was lying, so...

Let's take a pause, right? Put a pin in that

so you understand that wasn't the truth.

I had to make that up. It was pretending.

But you know why I got to pretend?

Because I'm not a real action star, Deb.

Kevin, you took a sitcom about a dry cleaner

and you turned him into

motherfucking Jason Bourne, okay?

You are a real action star.

No, not yet.

- Not yet? - No.

But I will be when you fund my next project.

Okay.

Deb, now look, what I'm about to tell you

is gonna seem crazy at first, but I promise you,

if you give it a chance, you'll get it.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Deb, I want you to picture yourself

going up a mountain.

On the ground, let's go, come on, come on!

All right, you rich assholes!

Move it! Rolexes, jewelry,

all your fancy shit!

What is taking so long? Put it in the bag. Let's go.

Just stay calm. Stay calm.

Everything shiny. Let's go.

Put it in the bag. Let's go.

They're coming this way.

- I don't have all day here.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Trying to hide, little man?

The fuck did you just call me?

Bet you got a big wallet for such a little man.

Now put it in the bag!

You want my wallet? Huh?

Get back, I got this.

You got what?

I want your gun! Shit.

You believe this fucking clown?

Give me your gun and sit down.

Whoa.

What, you're gonna be the first man in history

to shoot somebody with the safety on?

- What? - Huh?

I don't like guns.

Ah, shit.

- No, cut him out. - Goddammit. Shit.

Nice to beef you, motherfucker.

Hey, it's not about me, it's about you.

I'm glad that everybody's safe.

It's a crazy world that we're living in.

- A lot of nut jobs out here. - Oh, Kevin...

Kevin, what just happened?

Real goddamn action.

- That's what just happened. - Okay.

Real fucking action.

That's the adrenaline that I want

audiences across the globe to feel, Deb.

So this... this is... was all staged?

Yeah. All of it, they're actors.

I just wanna give you a little taste of what

- our movie was about, right? - Oh, my God.

This is the movie that we're gonna make.

So what I did was I brought an outline, right?

A little rough outline to give you a little idea

about what we're gonna do.

- Oh, boy. - Right?

The world of our movie lives in improvised action,

and spontaneous ass-whoopings.

That's what this is about.

That guy spontaneously hit you with a gun.

You talking about Larry?

Larry, hey, you got me good. I'm gonna feel that one.

Yeah, you are.

You're goddamn right. Fucking Larry.

You're not well. Oh, no, you're not well.

This is about me getting the respect

that I deserve as an action star, Deb.

What is it that you want me to say here?

What do I want you to say, Deb? I want you to say,

"I'll do it."

My answer is no.

Never. This-this is never going to happen.

Not at my studio or anyone else's.

- No. - Please.

- No. - Can you just give it a--

- No, no, no, no, no. - Can you just give it a--

Deb, can you just...

Can you just please give it a... give it a read?

- Oh. - Okay? Here.

- There you go.

That's all... that's all I want.

Can you just...

I'll read it.

- We did it! Yeah!

Hello, Mr. Green Light. She loved it, right?

I told you she was gonna love it.

What's the budget she gave you?

$300 million? $400... $500 million for this?

Just drive.

I am so sorry. Kevin, that's not...

That is not fair. You are a king, and this town

doesn't deserve you. Do you hear me?

You are a king. You are my king.

Praise, praise.

Wait a second. Is that her right there?

Is that her, the one throwing away the script?

Is that her right there?

Excuse me, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am, in the red jacket.

How are you?

Kevin Darnell Hart is a national treasure.

- A national... - Just drive the car.

We're gonna drive the car,

- but honestly... - Andre.

...get your shit together.

Nice to meet you.

- Drive the fucking car, Andre!

Today is gonna be

the most amazing day of your life. Your paper.

You say the same thing every day, Andre,

and every day you're wrong.

Oh, well, come on.

You're just cranky

because you haven't had your tofu tahini smoothie.

I'll get that for you right now. Sophie, his TT.

I really hate that you call it that.

- Here you go. - There we go.

- Big gulps. There you go.

No, I'm cranky

because the movie of my dreams just flamed, okay?

Now I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.

Well, I mean, come on, man. You still have us.

That's amazing, right? You have us.

The hell does that mean? Who?

Hannah, Sophie, me, your man, TJ, right over here.

I'm talking about your village.

I know what you need. I know what you need.

A massage.

Nina, you all set up with the new hot stones?

I can be in about ten minutes.

She can be in about ten minutes.

Kevin, the crew are ready whenever you are.

Yeah, I'm ready.

You got this!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.

Oh, God. How you doing?

Good, great. Kev...

Now just pretend you're biking through the Swiss Alps.

We'll CG the Alps in later.

What is that?

I'm on foot though. I need a bike, right?

We'll CG that in too. Action!

- You just want me to... - Just go for it.

Act like I'm riding a bike?

Exactly.

Straight arms.

Kevin, look at this.

Hey, man, not... No.

I can't... I can't do this shit.

I can't. I... I cannot

do this shit anymore.

All right, I'm tired of the CGI

and the goddamn green screens,

all this fake shit.

No, uh...

I want real fucking action.

Kevin, no.

Nina, what's the ETA on those hot stones?

It appears A-list actor Kevin Hart

is back in the news again.

Star of the high octane reboot of The Jeffersons,

Hart has spent his own money

destroying a high-end Hollywood restaurant

in an attempt to woo a studio boss

into financing what he refers to

as a cinema verite-style action film.

This comes just a year after the actor famously fired

his longtime stuntman Doug Eubanks,

in the middle of production.

The decision that left insiders dumbfounded.

- Bring me this man.

Bring me this...

Kevin Hart.

Wow. This is big, man.

No, like, this is really big.

Andre, I don't think you understand.

I cast my dream out into the universe and guess what?

Karl Stromberg comes running.

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

But I got to say, boss, I... I don't like it.

I mean, you don't even know this guy, right?

I tried to look him up and nothing came up on Google.

Duh. It's because he's European.

They got their own Google. Everybody knows that, all right?

Listen, the guy's loaded, got tons of money.

And if his desire

is to make my movie, then so be it, I'm good.

I can't do it, boss. I am so sorry. I can't do it.

My job is to look out for your best interest,

- and I don't really think that-- - Uh, what did you just say?

It's my job to look out for your--

It is not your job. As a matter of fact,

that's the complete opposite of your job.

You know who looks out for me, Andre?

Me. That's who looks out for me. Me. Okay?

- You know what? Pull over. - What?

Pull over. I'm driving myself.

- I don't want you to drive. - No. Kevin, no, no, no, no, no.

- No. - Kevin, you can't drive your...

- Yeah, I can. I do not need you. - You need me. You need me.

Correction... I don't need you.

I didn't need my stuntman.

I damn sure don't need an assistant

telling me how to live my life. Pull over.

Don't... don't hold the wheel in the middle.

Shut up, Andre.

I said shut up.

- I'm... Yeah. - I know how to drive.

We know. We all know.

He knows how to drive a car. We know.

But let's say you put your hand down, you pop it in D.

- Pop it in first. - No, that's reverse. Whoa.

You know what? Why don't I help you out?

I'll get in there.

I'll start her up. I'll roll out.

Everybody will think it was you.

- I don't want your help. - Okay, good.

- Good, good, good, good, good. - Yeah, smooth. Very smooth.

- You're leaving. - Yeah. Fuck off.

I'll drive all the way home.

So, Karl... Karl, what is it, uh,

what is it that you do for a living, man?

I made my fortune mining precious metals.

Mmm.

Now I finance films, primarily in the Balkans,

once in North Korea.

It's probably hard to get permits over there, huh?

Permits are for cowards.

Your outline...

is dangerous.

It's violent.

It's almost no narrative that makes sense

to a regular human being.

I am not a regular human being. No.

I am Karl Stromberg.

Yeah.

And that is why...

I will finance this film for you.

What did you just say to me?

You're telling me that you're going finance

my goddamn movie?

Huh?

Dude, you just made my day, man.

And I don't have to do my pitch, because my pitch is expensive.

I ain't wanna break all this glass stuff in here

because I know I got to pay for it.

Dude, you... I was in a dark place, Karl.

I was in a real dark place, man.

You just pulled me out of a dark place.

It's because people underestimate you.

Yeah.

When you left comedy for the action,

they said you'd fail.

They did?

When you fired your stuntman to do your own stunts,

- they said you would fail. - You heard about that?

Everyone heard about that.

It's only you and Tom Cruise who do your own stunts now.

That's... that's a fact.

Two peas in a pod, man.

What's going on? What you doing?

This film, Kevin,

will put you

in your own category.

One pea...

in one pod.

Yes, right. That's right.

One pea, one pod.

Hell yeah.

That's what it's supposed to be, Karl.

You know what, man?

I know we just met, but I feel like I've known you

for a long time because you get me.

I'm so sick of this...

this CG and this green screen shit.

So what'd you think of the story, Karl,

about me getting--

No one watches movies for the story.

Yeah.

They'll watch it for the action...

and the nudity.

I don't really...

I don't really have any dick in my script.

But if you want something,

you feel like people wanna see dick,

I can add some dick.

- Mmm. - I can... I'm... I'm not afraid

to go full frontal. I'll do it. Right?

If that's what the people want.

My biggest thing though is the action, man.

I just don't... I don't wanna see it coming, right?

- I wanna be caught off guard. - You will shit your pants.

What are you talking about?

We will have to change your pants,

forget about the old times,

for when you shit your pants.

'Cause I'm scared?

- You will shit. - I... I will shit.

- You will shit... - Yeah.

- ...your pants. - I'll shit my goddamn pants.

You will shit!

- I wanna shit. - You will shit.

- All right. I wanna shit. - You wanna shit?

Yeah, I will shit.

You shit your pants!

I'm ready to shit my pants, Karl!

I wanna shit my pants! Right now!

When... when do we start, so I can shit?

We already have.

There's a camera hidden right behind you.

Oh... I think I see it.

The little, the black, the um, space with the black, right?