Original subtitles

[man on device] We don't have any scheduled deliveries.

Please turn around.

Hey, pal, I got a hot date with my old lady in 30 minutes.

Meatball sub night.

And all's I’s knows is I got a package

from Deborah Simon at the studio.

Now, I can either leave it here or I can take it home.

You got that? What do you want me to do?

[on device] Go ahead.

That's what I thought. I'll see you a bit.

Hop, hop.

Okay. Hey. Ronald Mandovia,

Mandovia Plumbing, licensed and bonded.

You know, some guys, they're licensed, not bonded.

Other guys, they're bonded, not licensed.

Me, I'm both licensed and bonded. [laughs]

Deborah Simon sent a plumber?

Not a plumber, my man. The plumber.

I can plumb anything with pipes. Fuck it.

Sometimes I don't even need pipes.

One time, I plumbed a manila envelope.

Water was spouting fucking everywhere. It was insane.

So, what's in the van?

Oh, my God.

Hold on to your fucking beautiful,

beautiful balls because this, my man, it's a commode.

Imported Italian marble.

Beautiful one-piece construction, 12-speed bidet.

We got a little air fryer on the right.

You wanna cook, eat, circle of life.

Shitting, eating at the same time.

There's only a couple of these in the entire world.

This, my friend, probably one of the best presents

in the universe.

So can you, uh, you know, uh--huh?

You wanna--

You're gonna help me fucking bring it in or no?

All right. Fuck it. Whatever, man.

Yeah. Okay. I'll supervise. Bring it up.

Use your back. Whoa, big boy. Big boy coming through.

Big boy coming through. Big boy.

Okay. Andre has the guard's attention.

- Okay. - You sure you're ready for this?

Well, in our family if an A-list actor is in trouble,

we don't stand quietly by.

We fight, and if we must, we die.

Wow. Well, the world could use more people like--

Wait. What is your last name?

Oh, Mandovia.

Where the hell does this thing go?

Oh, that is the million-dollar question, huh?

[slaps wood]

Let me think about this.

Well, you could powder room it, show it off like a prized pony,

or you put it in the main bath.

Keep all that for yourself. Hmm.

Now, there's a third option, all right?

Listen up closely 'cause this one's fucking insane.

You can put the commode right here

smack dab in the middle of the living room

and you dig a big greasy shit right here.

Look everybody right in the eyes,

make them wonder what your deal is.

And I know what you're thinking.

"Holy shit, that's aggressive," right?

But they'll respect the shit out of you.

Wait a minute. Don't I know you?

Don't you know-- don't you know-- oh!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you know what it is?

Isn't this the place you took a shit so big up there

that people thought there was a dog loose in the pipes?

How the hell, I'mma take a shit-- wait.

What are you talking about? No.

- Wasn't that you? - No.

- No? - A dog in the pipes?

Name is Dachshund. Look like a dachshund.

You been-- Oh, no. Is that the dog?

Wait right here. I'll deal with you in a minute.

Yeah, I'm gonna wait right here.

You ain't all shitty? You know what I mean?

Kevin? Kevin? Are you okay, baby?

Everything went incredible up here. You all right?

[Kevin] Yeah. I'm all right.

Sweating my goddamn ass off though.

Jesus Christ. How come you didn't cut no holes in here?

Well, let's get you out of here and kick some fucking ass.

What do you say, huh?

All right. Come on. Let's go.

Yes.

[upbeat music]

What are you doing?

[Andre] Funny story. You're gonna lose your goddamn mind.

I drilled this puppy a little bit too hard.

I can't get it out without the aid of some tools.

Give me a second. I'm gonna grab some tools.

I'll be right back. Okay. Talk to you soon.

Hey, Andre, you better stop playing.

Seriously, man. Andre. [knocks] Andre.

[fireworks crackling]

Hey. Were those fireworks?

I live next door at the Mandovia Estate.

Did you set those off? You know that that is illegal.

They're not ours. I don't know who set these on.

Well, it's scared the bejesus out of me.

And I have a pacemaker.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Look, lady, I told you they're not my fireworks

and I didn't shit in any pipes.

What?

[shudders]

[thuds]

[sighs] That's for Andre.

[knocks on box] Andre?

Come on, man. I'm serious.

[footsteps approaching]

Hey, yo, what took you so long? Where do you go?

Leave me in this box, went all goddamn quiet.

Don't do that.

- [chainsaw revving] - What the fuck is that?

Hey. Andre, that's a chainsaw?

Okay. Hold up. Wait, wait, wait.

What are you-- what are you-- what do you want?

You [indistinct] me?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Slow it down! Slow it down! Slow it down!

You're gonna cut my fucking ass.

Watch out. Hey!

No more chainsaw.

No more chain-- no more chainsaw!

No more chainsaw!

Okay. Jesus Christ! Shit!

What the fuck, Andre?

Oh, shit! Oh. Oh. Oh, shit.

On behalf of stunt actors everywhere,

I'm excited to say this is your day of reckoning.

[laughing]

Hold up.

You're trying to tell me a big old stunt legend

like yourself need a chainsaw?

Huh?

That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

Two men-- how about two dogs in a bowl?

I wanna eat. [imitates dog]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you got a knife?

Big old man like yourself, stunt legend,

you need a knife for little old me?

That's what you need?

Fuck it. I'm killing you with my hands.

- What? Oh. Oh. - Get out.

[grunting]

Yeah.

You know, it didn't go too good for you

in that little shitty hallway.

Me and Jordan whooped your ass.

[scoffs] The mask I was wearing

was a hundred percent polyester, unbreathable.

Sweating into my contacts, hell, a child could've kicked my ass.

Oh, that's a real elaborate excuse, don't you think?

Superman punch.

[grunting]

Oh, shit! Shit!

[grunting]

Shit! Andre! Andre, do the psychic stuff!

I made all that shit up about your psychic.

You think I'd help you?

You think I'd put it a, a greedy, unappreciative,

overrated actor over a stuntman? [laughs]

I just thought it'd be fun to give you some false hope

before you die.

[groans] Yo, you're gonna break my arm.

Yeah, and then every other one of the 206 bones in your body,

and then I'm gonna eat your ass.

I knew it. I knew you were a ass-eater. [groans]

[grunting]

- Oh, hey. Cute knife. - I'll stab you.

What are you gonna do with it? Are you gonna hurt me with it?

Huh? Huh?

No, but she is.

Oh, shit.

- Oh. - Oh, you got him. It's-- okay.

Um, holy shit. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look at me. Look at me. Eyes. You good.

Thirsty.

- You what? - Thirst-- thirsty.

We'll get you something to drink.

You fucking threw a knife in his head?

[whispers] I didn't know what else to do.

I meant for his shoulder.

How did you not hit the shoulder?

Like he's the fucking size of the fireplace.

This is him.

[dishes clattering]

He's awake. That's a good sign.

It's a good thing. He's-- look, he's fine. He's fine.

[Kevin] What are you talking, he's fine?

[woman] Yeah, look. I mean, he's...

He's a fucking zombie. What do you mean he's fine?

[woman 2] Oh, God. He's gonna burn himself.

He's gonna get a burn on his hand or something.

It's not really the worst thing

that can happen to him at this point.

- [woman 2] That's true. - Huh.

Hey. There he is.

How you doing, man? Jesus Christ.

- He's just... - He's okay.

- Yeah, he's just taking a nap. - He's not-- he's fine.

- He's okay? - Yeah.

Wait. Where's Andre? Where's my sweet boy?

[man] Yeah, don't you worry 'cause I found him.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I made an oopsy-daisy.

I got captured.

I thought I heard your voice,

but it wasn't your voice. It was his voice.

I'm the worst sidekick in the world.

Hey. Hey. Shut up.

- I'm gonna shut up. - Shut up.

I'm gonna shut up.