Original subtitles

.

[soft music]

- The gifted young lady didn't know what to do.

Should she fly off to Hollywood for the big audition?

Or should she stay in Toledo

for a high-school production of "Damn Yankees?"

So she asked her father.

And her father replied,

"What do you think is the right decision?"

And she answered...

all: I think I made a commitment...

So I probably can't break that.

- Yes, children!

- But what about the big audition?

- Why, she taped it herself

and mailed it off to Los Angeles.

Eh, it was a long shot.

But if you don't dream...

all: You'll never know if your dreams can happen.

And when Kevin Williamson from the WB received the tape,

he knew he had found his star.

And the tomboy, best-friend role

of little Joey Potter on "Dawson's Creek"

would be played by Toledo's very own

Katie Holmes. all: Yay!

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- Good morning, Whitlock,

and a happy Katie Holmes Day Eve to you all.

Tomorrow night the city of Toledo

will hold the annual Katie Holmes Day Pageant.

Please donate any items you can for the rummage sale.

All proceeds go to the local orphanage.

And as always, dream big.

Katie did.

- Are you sure you want to give your boys away?

- I think they're worth a bunch.

So who am I to keep this from happening?

- Oh.

[indistinct chatter]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Katie provides. [chuckles]

[upbeat folk music]

♪

♪ See the Katie, hear her sing ♪

♪ In every musical, fall and spring ♪

♪ She had a commitment she couldn't break ♪

♪ So she sent a tape

♪

- I can't believe it's already Katie Holmes Eve.

I barely slept last night.

- Oh, me neither! I knutted all night.

- Don't you mean knit?

- Yeah, past tense.

You don't say, "I digged a hole."

Anyway, I could not sleep.

And so I knutted for hours.

And usually when I knut, you know, I fall straight asleep.

But I was so excited, I just knutted again.

- Sounds like me this weekend.

- I don't get it.

- Good morning, everybody.

Hey, where do I drop off these donations?

- Oh, I'll take those.

- Yeah? Great.

- Whoa, "Pieces of April."

Nice. - Oh.

- Very on-brand for our Katie Holmes Day rummage sale.

- What do you mean-- No. This is a real thing?

Katie Holmes Day?

You're t--so all of Toledo

is just sort of unironically celebrating an actress

who's face, you know, to be quite honest,

I have trouble remembering?

She's just like a--like a...

an adorable white girl with like a...

you know, just a face and hair and eyes.

- Yeah, that's her.

- Oh, my God. That's right.

You've been gone 20 years.

You don't know anything about Katie Holmes Day.

It's--it's a celebration of--of dream and wonder.

You're gonna hate it.

- Happy Katie Holmes Day Eve, Jack.

[all chuckling] - Yeah.

- Listen, I need the keys to the driver's ed car.

It's the base for the float in our Katie Holmes Day parade.

The student council made a replica

out of papier-mâché of the Buick

that Katie drove in high school.

- Well, you know, the driver's ed car is a Buick,

so you could just drive that.

[all laughing]

- [laughing] That's so funny, Jack.

Hers was a '94 with a dent in the hood.

- The 2007 Buick

does not represent Katie's humble beginnings.

[all laughing] - Okay.

- A Holmes on your head.

- Nope. - Oh.

[phone ringing]

- Whitlock High?

It's Mayor Wade CupsofCabbage.

- I'll take it in my office.

[suspenseful music]

Mayor CupsofCabbage. Hey--

Yes, you--you want me to be in the--in the pageant?

[mouthing words]

Yes--yes, it would be an honor to play Kevin Williamson,

the man who launched Katie Holmes's career.

And I will not let you down this time.

[phone receiver clatters]

He's giving me a second chance.

- Yes!

- What if I choke? - You can do this, Ralph.

I believe in you.

It is just one line. It's ten words.

"Hello, Katie.

You are Joey Potter. Welcome to 'Dawson's Creek.'"

You need to immerse yourself in this character.

For the next 24 hours, you're gonna be

a Hollywood slick hotshot.

- I don't know.

Unless...

♪

California Raisin.

- Oh! I've got goose bumps!

Make me famous, Mr. Producer.

♪

- All right.

Go ahead and shut all the way up.

Where's my garbage?

- We're using it as a bucket of fate.

- Yeah, in one bucket, there's sweet pudding,

representing a tasty dream come true.

And in the other, a baby crab--

its pinchers, a stark reminder

that chasing your dreams can hurt.

- Got it.

- Sweet chocolate pudding!

Papa's gonna be a backup singer for Lizzo!

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs] Guys.

Ah, I got to say.

This holiday is, uh-- and I don't say this lightly--

bonkers.

- Point, counterpoint, Mr. Griffin,

it's actually not.

- Yeah.

At 8:47 tomorrow night,

you kiss someone on the forehead

because that's when Katie had the talk with her wise dad

which he ended with a forehead kiss.

- Right.

- The entire holiday culminates in a glorious pageant.

I've always wanted to play Katie Holmes,

and I think this is the year.

- Oh.

And we make wish lists addressed

to Katie in Hollywood,

put them in our shoes,

and leave them in our front porches.

- And the next morning,

there's a fresh blueberry muffin in each shoe.

- So shoe muffins.

Got it. Yeah.

And you all do this?

- Oh. Not me.

I don't celebrate Katie Holmes Day.

- Oh, finally, a sane person.

- My family celebrates Jamie Farr Day.

My dad says that's Toledo's original top celebrity.

- So there's also a Klinger from "MASH" holiday.

- A world without Katie Holmes Day

is a world I don't want to live in.

- I like the sound of that.

Tell me more of these traditions.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Sorry I'm late. - Damn, girl.

A 55-inch flat screen TV? - Oh--

- That is gonna bring in so much money.

Forget porridge.

Those orphans are about to have some

R-r-r-r-regular soup. - Okay!

- Uh, actually, this is--

- A gift from an angel.

- [exhales awkwardly] That is so sweet.

But it--it's not a big deal.

- And she's humble. - Mm.

- Amazing.

Mommy Warbucks. - Mm-hmm.

A regular Mother Toledo.

- Oh.

- [cackling] Yes.

Yeah--oh, good.

Very good.

Yes.

- I'd like to believe you have a genuine interest

in this beloved holiday,

but your maniacal cackling

has made me fear you're planning something nefarious.

- Your fears are...

completely founded.

- Oh, I just thought of another tradition.

It's the one where people who don't love the holiday

just don't participate,

and let the ones that really [bleep] love it enjoy it.

- Can we swear now?

[cell phone vibrating]

- Oh, shut up. Shut up.

Shut up, everybody. Shut up. [phone continues vibrating]

Oh, Mayor CupsofCabbage, what a pleasant surprise.

I'm sorry. Come again.

And a-a third time, 'cause it's insane.

I see.

[straining]

- I don't think that's coming off.

- That dumb-ass mayor cast me

as the lame WB assistant in the stupid pageant

for the sixth year in a row.

- Well, to be fair, you do give off strong assistant vibes.

- Just once I want to be Katie

and say the big final line.

It's bullshit.

- That's one A-word, one F-word,

and one B-S-H word.

- Guys, Marissa's right, all right?

This holiday is a complete sham.

- Mr. Griffin, is it fair to say

that you have an especially large chip on your shoulder

because a Toledoan from your peer group

went on to achieve her dreams and you're, you know, here?

- No, Marcus.

My problem is that you all believe

a doe-eyed actress can make your dreams come true.

It doesn't work that way. W-w-watch.

Please, Katie Holmes,

let me spend five more minutes with my dead mother.

[soft music]

Did she--is she here? My mother, is she here?

Oh, she isn't? Yeah-- No, Because it doesn't work.

- Well, give her time.

She has thousands of homes to visit.

- Marissa...

we're gonna destroy Katie Holmes Day.

- Holy shit ass dick fart.

.

[dramatic music]

♪

[engine turning over]

- Let's do this.

♪

[school bell ringing]

- Ralph, the football team wants real energy drinks.

They figured out that Gatorade Clear's just water.

- That's it.

A football show.

I can see it now.

- [imitating spoiled daughter] Oh, pwetty pwease,

can I be in your sports show?

[normal voice] I'm your spoiled daughter

that benefits from your success.

[imitating daughter] Come on. - Oh, of course, princess.

Give me some of that sugar that Daddy likes.

- Oh. Mwah!

- This feels like an HR trap.

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh. For reals?

An old Garfield phone?

Mary, can you believe this?

- Uh, I cannot, Stephanie.

Considering this queen right here

just donated a flat screen TV

for the Katie Holmes Day rummage sale.

- I think the phone's fun.

- Hello, Garfield? Oh, well, it's me, an orphan.

Oh, you love lasagna? Funny.

I've never had lasagna, and I never will

because we didn't raise any damn money

with your sorry-ass phone.

[all laughing]

Oh, and I am encouraged. Who's next?

- Do me. Do me!

I brought stained Tupperware. Ooh.

Give it to me.

- [imitating spoiled daughter] You said I'd be a star.

You lied to me, Daddy.

- It was never you. It was these pills!

- [sobbing]

- Hey. Can you sign off on payroll?

- Intern, you're the star now.

- Not sure what this is, but...

I am in.

Step aside, sister.

[old-fashioned voice] ♪ Well, it's a big old trolley ♪

♪ Coming around the bend

- And feast your peepers on something you never had--

talent!

[cackles]

Faster. [cackling]

both: Ha ha! Yes. [laughter]

- Oh, who we got up next?

- [chuckles] I drew this.

It's, uh, Catty Holmes from "Pawson's Creek."

[chuckles nervously]

- Oh, wow. Dave, we love it.

- Yeah? Really?

- This is original art. It's really good.

- We're gonna frame it

and give it directly to the orphans

and bring a little joy into their lives.

- Really?

both: Hell, no! Boom!

[all laughing]

- And that is our time, all right?

So feel free to join us tomorrow

at the rummage sale

and come and witness the chump change

that your crappy-ass donations will surely bring in.

- Yeah. [laughter]

- Ooh, ooh.

And stick around for our first-ever live auction,

where you'll get the opportunity to make a bid

on the greatest donation of all time.

You know what it is?

all: This TV right here!

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah--

- No, no, no! No.

Oh, I-I got it. I-I want to carry it myself.

Uh, for the children.

Okay.

[groaning] Legs!

[Tom Waits' "Telephone Call from Istanbul"]

♪

- ♪ I was all night long on the broken glass ♪

♪ Living in a medicine chest

♪ Mediteromanian hotel back

♪ Sprawled across a roll-top desk ♪

♪ My pet old monkey rode a blade ♪

♪ On an overhead fan

♪ They paint the donkey blue if you pay ♪

♪ I got a telephone call from Istanbul ♪

♪ My baby's coming home today ♪

♪ Will you sell me one of those ♪

♪ If I shave my head?

♪ "Get me out of town" is what Fireball said ♪

♪ Never trust a man in a blue trench coat ♪

♪ Never drive a car when you're dead ♪

- [cackling]

- ♪ Saturday's a festival, oh, now Saturday's a gem ♪

[both cackling]

♪ Follow me to Beulah's on Dry Creek Road ♪

♪ I got to wear the hat that my baby done sewed ♪

♪

[school bell ringing] - Good morning, Whitlock.

In honor of Katie Holmes Day,

I am going to climb in through this window,

just like Katie did on "Dawson's Creek."

So... here we go.

Okay. Oh.

[grunts]

Okay. Ah.

Ow, my keys! Oh, God.

Okay. Okay.

[grunting]

Oh, my God. [grunts]

Well, I come bearing bad news.

The school's Buick float for the Katie Day parade

has been stolen.

So, instead, I ask all of you

to walk in the parade arm in arm.

Let's make tonight the best Katie Holmes Day pageant ever!

- Well, looks like someone unwittingly made

the holiday even more heartwarming.

- Oh, don't worry. There's so much more coming.

- Last night my shoes were stolen from my porch.

And lo, not two, but three muffins.

- No, no.

No, you said that you put the wishes in the shoes,

and then Katie turns the wishes into muffins.

Ergo, no shoes, no muffins.

- [distantly] ♪ See the Katie

♪ Hear her sing

♪ And every musical - Yo.

The jug band's singing a capella.

- They sound smooth as hell.

- Jug, you know that new sound you've been looking for?

Well, listen to this.

- Another miracle.

Mr. Griffin, may we go bask in their newfound glory?

- Feel free to leave my class at any time for any reason.

♪

- We took everything, and the day came.

It came just the same.

I'm gonna have to play WB assistant

and say that stupid line the rest of my life.

- What exactly is your line?

- "Mr. Williamson will see you now."

- So, if Katie doesn't meet with Mr. Williamson,

then her dreams don't come true, and...

if her dreams don't come true...

- Then there's no Katie Holmes Day.

- [laughing wickedly]

Yeah.

- Well, hey, now. We all know why we're here.

Please give it up for Michelle Patricia Jones

and her donation of...

all: This TV right here!

[all cheering]

- [sighs] I'm dead.

I'm dead. I'm dead.

- We will start the bidding at $500.

Ooh, okay. We have $500.

Now do I see a $550?

$550 from Where's Waldo over there.

And, Waldo, hey. I see you, okay?

$550 going once.

Going twice...

- $600!

- Okay--ladies and gentlemen, I do not believe this.

But this queen right here is bidding on her own donation!

- $700!

- $750!

- $1,000!

[crowd murmuring]

$1,000 of my own money.

both: Sold!

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. [muttering angrily]

[doorbell rings]

- A blessed day.

I just bought this holiday classic

at the rummage sale.

And much to my surprise,

the tape inside-- it's an old home video.

Might you have the movie

I so graciously purchased for $1.50?

- Nope.

Now, if you could so graciously get out of my way,

I've got a pageant to destroy.

- Wait a minute.

That's no way to speak to a fellow Toledoan

on Katie Holmes Day.

- Okay, you big baby man. You want your money?

There's your money.

- I don't want money.

I want "Pieces of April."

- [laughs]

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Hey, how'd you know where I...

live?

[grunts]

- Hi, Jacky.

I just wanted to wish you good luck

at the science fair tomorrow.

And I am so sorry that I'm going to missing it.

I want you to know that you are a brilliant, talented,

beautiful boy.

And I have no doubt that you're going to do great.

And you'll definitely beat

that bullying mouth-breather Greg Miller.

I mean, he's probably gonna present another potato clock.

- [laughing] He did.

- I'm so proud of you.

I love you, Jacky.

[somber music]

♪

- I'll be damned.

You gave me five more minutes with my mom.

[uplifting music]

It's all real.

♪

I got to save Katie Holmes Day.

.

[light music]

[indistinct chatter]

♪

So that was Katie's bedroom right up there.

- Up there? - Yeah.

- Hey, yo, yo, yo. Here they come.

[door closes] Here they come.

- Please stop.

The Holmes family no longer lives here.

We are the Goodmans.

all: If we knew this would happen,

we never would have bought this house.

Seriously, stop!

Please don't put us through this again.

My condition has worsened.

Please, go away!

[cheers and applause]

♪

[brakes squeal]

- All right. Coming through, everybody.

[laughs]

Happy Katie Holmes Day. Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[laughing, speaking indistinctly]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Okay, this is it. You got this.

There's no Durbin. It's only Kevin.

- Hi, I'm Katie Holmes.

I'm here to meet with Mr. Williamson.

- Mr. Williamson will...

Not see you right now. He's out.

[crowd gasping, exclaiming]

- All right, coming through, coming through.

All right, here we go. Coming through, guys.

- Watch it. - Okay, coming through.

- But we have a meeting.

- Mm, he's at lunch. Go back home.

- But I think I can see him.

- Oh, ring, ring.

Hello. Mm.

Actually I just found out. - Uh...

- Kevin Williamson's dead.

[crowd gasps, exclaims]

"Dawson's Creek" is canceled.

Bah-bye.

- Marissa, why? - Don't do this!

- Let her meet him!

- [grunts] Hello, everybody.

Yeah--no, I'm, um...

I'm Mr. Williamson's doctor.

And he's very much alive.

And, yeah, he's ready to meet Katie.

[cheers and applause]

- Ring, ring. Oh.

Just found out. I'm the boss of Hollywood now.

And my first act as queen is to banish Katie Holmes.

- Please reconsider, Your Highness!

- So, look, I've been trying to ruin Katie Holmes Day.

[crowd murmuring]

I ran around all of last night

stealing children's shoes.

Wow, it sounds insane when I say it out loud.

Uh, but worst of all,

I convinced this sweet, young girl here to st--

No, not you.

I don't why she's--I don't-- I don't even know you.

Yeah--no, I-I convinced Marissa here

to stop believing in her dreams.

Then I experienced the magic of Katie Holmes Day myself.

You know, I had a dream, and my dream came true.

And--and sure, you know.

Big dreams can be a bit of a mirage, you know?

Often planted in our capitalist minds

by greedy corporations who-- - You're losing us!

- Bottom line, um,

Marissa's dream has always been to play Katie Holmes.

And you think it would be all right

if Marissa said the final line?

Oh, that's great.

Okay, here we go.

Uh, Mr. Williamson, your 3:00 is here.

- [clears throat]

Katie, you are Joey Potter. Welcome to "Dawson's Creek."

[cheers and applause]

- He did it.

The sweet son of a bitch did it.

- Mr. Williamson, I have something to tell you.

♪

When the camera is rolling,

I'll be this Joey Potter.

But when you say "cut,"

I will return to and always be

Toledo's very own Katie Holmes.

- ♪ I don't want to wait [cheers and applause]

- ♪ For our lives to be over

♪ I want to know right now

- Hey, everyone look! It's 8:47!

- ♪ I don't want to wait

♪ For our lives to be over

- Mwah!

- Aww.

Oh.

- Hey. [both laughing]

- [vocalizing]

- Oh.

♪

- Oh!

- Mom, this year can you kiss my forehead?

- Eat your beans.

- ♪ On the rainy front step

♪ Wearing shrapnel in his skin ♪

- I hoped you'd come around to it.

But I didn't think you'd make it a whole holiday special.

Just-- - [laughs]

- ♪ Lives inside him still

♪ It's so hard to be gentle and warm ♪

♪ The years passed by

♪ And now he has granddaughters ♪

♪

♪ I don't want to wait for our lives... ♪

- Katie continued,

"When you say 'cut,' I will return to and always be

Toledo's very own Katie Holmes."

"Granted, I won't always be playing Joey Potter.

"So, when I'm doing another character,

"the same rule applies.

"When the camera's rolling, I am that character.

"But when they yell 'cut,'

I'm Katie Holmes from Toledo, Ohio!"

[book closes]

Okay, orphans. Off to bed.

And tomorrow we'll be enjoying a feast of muffins,

thanks to a large amount of money

Whitlock High School raised for us.

all: Yay!

[upbeat holiday music]

♪