Original subtitles

[Dennis Coffey's "Scorpio"]

[school bell rings]

♪

- Locker sweep day.

- Unleash hell, Ralph Durbin.

- [whistling]

- You should look scared.

♪

- Firecrackers. Detention.

♪

Metal compasses?

Hand over the math knives, Wolverine.

Ah! both: Oh!

- Ugh. - [groans]

- Ew.

♪

- Hey!

Give me the vape, Kasperak!

♪

[vape clatters]

[breathing heavily]

♪

[stammers]

Detention.

[sighs]

- Kristina Yamaguchi, these hallways get longer every year.

- [sighs] - Son of a...

[sighs]

[sighs]

[intriguing music]

[sighs]

"Berry Crunch"?

♪

Ooh. Oh, that's nice.

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- I thought teachers were smart.

You just hold up an item,

and you go, "What picture does this look like?"

And then you put it in there.

- [imitates whoosh]

- Oh. [clicks tongue]

- Um, "Oops."

[chuckles] You missed. - [laughs] Yeah.

Yep, that's all right, though. Somebody always gets them.

- Yeah, I get them! Me!

- What? No!

Hans, I thought you did, uh, leaves and windows,

and Dale did toilets and trash.

Huh.

Okay, well, seems as if I owe you one of these.

[tense music]

[chuckles]

♪

- [grunts] Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Go to sleep. Shh.

- All right, everybody, mouth holes shut.

Ear holes open.

This morning, I received a very lovely letter

on this, uh, very graphic, naked-angel-baby stationery.

♪

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes, Anthony.

These angel buns herald for you.

- [sighs] - "Dear Mr. Griffin,

"I'm writing to thank you

"for all the after-hours biology tutoring

"you are providing for my grandson.

"Anthony is truly blessed to have you shepherd him

"on his journey,

while the sweet Baby Jesus carries you both."

It goes on like this for pages.

Oh, there's a part here where, um,

she thanks Jesus for saving the baby on "Days of Our Lives."

And then it ends with a recipe for turkey chili.

- I'm sorry.

Are you teaching Anthony biology?

- Well, zam zaddy, if cash is what you need...

Kaspy would love to get down on a private tutoring sesh.

- Ugh.

Heather, give me a hot one.

- Yeah.

[clears throat]

"If Marcus was a shoe, he'd be an Ugg."

class: Ooh!

- So I'd get to hug Rachael Ray's feet all day?

Well, yummo.

[all groaning]

- No, listen, I'm not teaching biology to anybody, okay?

It appears that Anthony has been using my good name

to lie to his own grandma...

which means your finally learning something from me.

I mean, you spend so much time kowtowing to your grandmas

and your piano teachers and your orthodontists.

I mean, don't you realize these people are all idiots?

- My orthodontist won "Jeopardy!"

- Mine too.

- Uh, well, that's got to be the same person. I mean...

All right, Anthony, tell us.

What classic teenage hooliganism

are you getting up to behind your grandma's back, huh?

- I'd rather not say.

- All secrets are safe with us, Anthony,

e.g., I use women's antiperspirant.

- I have a parasitic twin.

It's just a mass of teeth and hair really.

It's in a jar at home.

That felt pretty vulnerable,

and I'd love if someone looked at me.

[tense music]

Please.

Dan?

- I can't, man. I just can't.

- All right, Anthony.

What are you pulling over on old Granny Angelbutts, huh?

♪

No?

Oh, well, then the game is afoot.

- Yummo.

[all groaning]

- What are you talking about?

- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

It's time to dine.

[microwave door closes] Mmm.

[buttons beeping]

[investigative music]

- Pow.

- Excuse me, Dave. What's this?

- Oh. [laughs]

Bonjour Mouse?

Mrs. Harper's gonna sew his little beret back on for me.

- So that's your stuffed mouse?

- Yepper.

My parents brought it back from Nova Scotia

in the late '80s.

- Dave, get out.

- But my Birds Eye steamed veggie medley's

in the microwave.

- Get out! - The lady said, "Get out!"

- I'll fork you! - Out, Dave.

- All right. Boy, howdy.

- Out. - [exhales deeply]

- Now, you know I love clowning on Dave,

but why are we mad at him, again?

- Remember the clinic gave me a photo of my donor as a child?

♪

- Oh! - Bonjour Mouse.

- Wha-- [laughs]

Girl, I need you to stop immediately,

'cause it sounds like you're saying

that Geology Dave is your baby's daddy.

- Mm-hmm. - Don't say that.

Uh, I'm sure that a lot of people have hand-sewn mice

from 1980s Nova Scotia. - Yeah.

- I don't want my baby to be a doofus.

- Oh, it won't. - [whines]

- No. - It's gonna be okay.

- [imitates trumpet fanfare] A royal request!

Might I have my veggies?

- See? Do you see what I'm talking about?

- It seems as though they are overcooked.

- Dave, get out! - Yep.

- Dang.

♪

[indistinct chatter]

- Aah! - Start squeaking, geek.

Where'd you get the juice for your fruit flute?

Come on!

Who puts the berry tang in your smoke thang?

- I'm sorry, I don't know these words.

- [grunts] - [grunts]

- Stop playing dumb.

Where'd you get the vape?

[tense music]

[investigative music]

- [whispering] Hey, wait, wait, wait.

I feel like we're too close. Let's drop back a little.

- Sorry, this is my first time stalking a child.

- Yeah.

♪

- Oh, my God. [door closes]

Is sweet baby Anthony doing drugs?

[door closes] Go.

♪

- Oh, no, no, no, no. It's way worse than that.

[crowd cheering]

- Neanderthal gymnastics. [bell dings]

[crowd cheering and shouting]

- Yeah!

all: One, two, three!

- That's it! [cheering]

[bell dinging] - [screams]

- Here is your winner,

Delilah Doom! [cheering]

And now it is time

for the TTSW main event!

[cheering]

Making his way to the ring,

Tennessee Ronnie Log!

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah, who wants to log in, baby?

[rock music plays]

Yeah. Ha ha.

Yeah!

Aah! Ha ha.

♪

- [gasps, laughs]

♪

- You know, you--you can't take that home, right?

- He gave it to me. - It's got bugs in it.

- But he gave it to me.

- And his opponent, the King of Diamonds,

Deznel Midnight! [cheers and applause]

[trumpet fanfare plays]

♪

- Oh. Anthony's the star of the show.

♪

Is that Hans?

The janitor?

[booing and cheering]

- Loyal subjects of Toledo,

your King of Diamonds is here tonight

to do two things--

kKick some booty

and meet some cuties.

[laughing and shouting]

I'm gonna pummel this here cretin before me!

Take him back to the woods from--

Oh. Okay, Donna.

Oh, thank you. Uh, quick announcement.

"The annual parish coat drive ends this Wednesday.

"Let's b-b-b-body-slam homelessness

"with a new or gently used coat.

"Donation bin is located outside

Pastor J-J-Jeff's office."

crowd: Footstool! Footstool!

- Time for me to put my royal feet up.

crowd: Footstool! Footstool! Footstool! Footstool!

Footstool! Footstool! Footstool...

[cheering]

- This is bad. - Yeah.

He's not a wrestler. He's a--he's a prop.

crowd: Footstool, Footstool...

[dramatic music]

[school bell rings]

- I already told them everything.

No need for a grand speech about how stupid wrestling is.

Okay? - Okay.

[laughs] But it is stupid.

It's so stupid.

It's all costumes and over-the-top characters

and melodrama, it's-- - Yes.

It is everything I am.

- [chuckles] Look...

if you guys are ever gonna use me

to, like, live a secret life,

then it's got to be for something badass, you know?

Not being a footstool for a high-school janitor.

- He may be a janitor in here, but in the ring,

he's a legend.

Hans is doing me a favor by taking me on as his protégé.

- [chuckles] Okay, so what's the plan?

- I want to be the baddest daddy to ever walk that aisle.

[dramatic music]

I want long hair.

I want to always look kind of wet.

[bell dings]

I want crowds of thousands to chant my name.

Luther Phoenix: Bird of Pain.

Ka-kaw!

- Call me Danny Zuko, 'cause I just got chills,

and they are multiplying.

- Better shape up, Anthony.

- Okay, well, where was

Luther Phoenix: Bird of Pain Ka-kaw last night?

- Hans thinks it's stupid.

- The guy's clearly all ego.

Just come up with a name that, like,

complements his King of Diamonds persona.

You know, something like Aces Wild.

Oh, whoa!

Aces Wild.

Yeah.

[chuckles] Ah, man.

Look at that. I nailed it on my first try.

- Uh, why would an ace be wild? It's the best card.

- Mm, well, don't do that.

- Maybe we spend a little more time on it.

- Uh...

- Perhaps Tony Flamingo, The Two of Hearts

would pique his interest.

He may be wearing a glamorous feather boa,

but his legs are lethal weapons.

Ha!

- Mm, I like it.

- Tony Flamingo.

Mm, yeah, well, okay. We tried.

You know, but it looks like

ain't nothing ever gonna beat Aces Wild.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So you two read thoroughly through my donor's profile.

- Yes, and there's no way

that Dave's a 1/8 Colombian marble sculptor.

- [sighs]

- The dude wears infinity scarves.

I think you're fine, okay? - Okay.

- You're donor said he plays the flamenco guitar.

I mean, this is not Dave.

- Okay, well, just keep it subtle, ladies, all right?

Oh, here he comes. Here he comes.

- Okay.

- Dave! Hey, bud.

You know, why don't you come and eat with us?

- We saved you a spot right there.

- O...kay. Cool.

Oh, shoot. The dang microwave's broken?

I brought a Healthy Boy Kale Gnocchi.

Now I can't eat it. - So whiny.

I cannot. I can't. - Oh, God.

- [laughs]

So what's the scoopin', Mary Poopins?

[chuckles] - I'm not gonna make it.

- Um, what's scoopin' is that I'm taking a sculpture class.

Have you ever sculpted anything, Dave?

- Oh, yeah. I'm a marble sculptor.

Yeah, in fact, just this morning,

I was in the studio gluing marbles together.

Uh, three white ones make a snowman sculpture.

Five green ones,

that's a pretty cool caterpillar.

Six green ones in a clump--

now you're looking at a pile of peas.

- No. No, no, no.

I mean, marble sculpting is supposed be, like,

chiseling stone.

You did a preschool craft. [laughter]

- Would a preschooler be able to do this, Stefanie?

Yep, yep, yep. [marble clatters]

Dropped it.

- Just curious, Dave--

can you play this guitar? [chuckles]

- Oh, well, I mean, I dabble, but...

A little dab will do ya. [laughs]

[strumming]

[vocalizing oddly]

♪ Barcelona

♪

- Get out, Dave! Out now.

- You know who actually taught me that song?

It wasmi abuelita from Colombia.

both: Get out! - Scram!

- Yep, all right. Just gonna grab this...

Mm, I'll get it later. - [groans]

I am unmoored. I can't.

- Okay, listen, I know the evidence is devastating,

but the only way you're gonna find out

if you're having Dave's dumb baby

is to see a photo of him as a toddler and compare it to this.

[investigative music]

We're going to Morenci tonight, honeys.

- Mama just got to take the edge off.

Mama got to get normal.

[door closes, footsteps approaching]

- [sighs] Hey, Helen.

- [inhales deeply] - I forgot to...

thank you for...

a good day and wish you a pleasant evening.

[sniffs] Hmm.

Aren't you gonna tell me

to sleep like a cricket in a mitten?

- Mm-hmm.

- No? Hmm.

Oh, hey, you know, uh,

probably never gonna hang this up.

I think I'm gonna throw this poster out.

[dramatic music]

Any objections?

- No! [whimpers]

[cries] It's a miracle of life.

- You're vaping, Helen?

- It's Berry Crunch, Ralph,

and for two or three minutes, it makes me feel like a god.

[tense music]

- Come with me.

- [whines, sighs]

♪

[whines]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- Mm.

- Permission to speak, Your Majesty.

- Make it quick, Footstool.

- I think I'm ready to become

the legendary Deznel Midnight's right-hand man.

King of Diamonds, meet your new partner--

Tony Flamingo, The Two of Hearts.

- I fed you like a baby bird for months,

just regurgitating and regurgitating my knowledge,

and now you're coming for my throne?

You look ridiculous.

- But Mr. Griffin thinks I'm ready.

- That's who's spitting in your mouth now?

The man who can't even properly dispose of an apple?

You put your footstool costume on.

You're lucky I still want to put my feet up on you.

[somber music]

♪

[cheers and applause] - Yeah!

- Timber.

all: Timber, timber, timber, timber!

Timber, timber, timber, timber!

[cheers and applause]

all: One, two, three! [bell dings]

Winner! - Yes!

This is the best day of my life!

- Introducing to you first,

he is the King of Diamonds--

Deznel Midnight!

[trumpet fanfare plays]

[cheers and booing]

- Okay, all right, here we go, Anthony.

♪

- You're in my kingdom now,

and I say off with his head.

[laughs]

[cheering]

[laughs]

Donna.

♪

By royal decree,

I declare that I'm gonna--

Donna, I asked you if you had anything.

Uh, church announcement.

"The Wilson family thanks you for your sympathy

"and asks that in lieu of flowers,

you send," what I assume is supposed to say "casserole."

"Casserole" has two S's, Donna.

"Let's b-b-b-body slam

this memorial service."

[cheers and applause] My royal hounds are barking!

Where is my footstool?

crowd: Footstool! Footstool! Footstool! Footstool!

- Where is that peasant?

Come forth! - Give me this!

Ah, shut up.

Anthony's not a footstool, okay?

He's better than this. He's better than you.

You know what? He's better than all you!

[booing]

- You suck. - You suck.

- And you're all just a bunch of cousin-kissin',

river-swimmin',

Code Red-drinkin', Walmart-shoppin',

Rascal-scootin',

Natural Light-funnelin'

garbage monsters!

[booing] - You suck!

- Hey, who the hell are you?

- I'm Aces Wild!

[laughter]

- That name sucks, dude. - The name is good.

The name is solid.

You can not like me, but don't say the name is bad,

because the name itself-- - [grunting]

You don't belong here. Get out of my kingdom!

- Give me this, give me this, give me--just--

Aah, aah!

- Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

[laughs] Come on.

There's no tickling in wrestling.

- I don't watch wrestling. - Come on, J.G.!

- You want to tickle, huh? How about that?

- [laughing] - How about that?

How about that? - Are they tickling each other?

- [grunts] How about that?

Yeah!

[laughs, smooches]

[laughing]

[cheers and applause]

- Throw yourself down the stairs.

You're killing yourself slowly with this crud,

so just get it over with.

- The worst I can do is break an ankle, sir.

- Well, every time you take a hit of this,

you break an ankle in your lungs.

- I don't want to break my lung ankles, sir.

- Oh, you don't want to break them?

Well, you're still doing it, aren't you?

You're doing it! Look at me.

You're vaping Berry Crunch.

- [cries]

[dramatic music]

Okay.

- What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God.

No, I didn't--I didn't actually want you to do that.

- Oh. - That was...

supposed to scare you. - Oh, you did.

You did. No more Berry Crunch.

I promise. You scared me straight.

I mean, I'm still gay as a tiger in a trundle bed, but...

Whoo!

No more cereal smoke. Mm-mm.

Thank you, Ralph, sir.

Thank you.

[booing and shouting] - [laughs]

- You suck! You suck!

[dramatic music plays]

[thunder booms]

♪

- I was once a lowly footstool

who dreamed he could be a flamingo

that soared above the heavens.

My dreams were thrown in the trash by you,

Deznel Midnight!

But from the ashes of filth,

I am reborn!

Behold!

I am Trash Phoenix,

and I am here to take your throne,

King of Diamonds! [cheers and applause]

[Big Freedia's "Almost Famous"]

- ♪ Come on now, come on now

♪ Come on now

- You're beautiful! - Trash Phoenix!

- You don't scare me.

[dramatic music]

♪

[investigative music]

- How did you know the key was in that rock?

- Well, it was the only rock with a price tag on it.

- [sighs]

My baby gonna be stupid.

- Yo. Over here.

- Oh, it's him.

- [sighs] - I'm carrying a Dave.

How am I gonna love it?

- You're not.

- Hey. None of us will.

[door opens] - Oh.

[inaudible whispering] - I guess I left the door open.

[women whispering frantically] [door closes]

- Oh, thanks for driving, babe.

That whiskey-glazed chicken gets me tipsy every time.

- [laughs] I know. - [laughs] Aah!

- Aah! - [gasps]

- God!

Mary, Stef, Michelle, what--why are you here?

- You know the burglars?

- I'm having your husband's baby.

- What? - Not again.

No, I did not cheat on you. - [sighs]

- I...

I swear on the Baby Jesus.

- Dave was her donor.

She accidentally picked him from a clinic.

They gave her this photo.

- A photo of my brother, John?

♪

- Of your whom?

- His handsome, tall, tech entrepreneur brother,

who speaks four languages.

- Who is also in jail for insider trading.

- Oh. Oh, thank God.

[laughter] It's not a Dave.

- Congratulations.

- Okay, thank you, Lord. It is not a Dave.

[laughter]

- He's in jail.

[bell dings]

- Okay, here we go.

[cheers and applause]

- Let's see what you got, Trash Phoenix.

Still look like a footstool to me.

Aah!

[both grunting]

- [winces] - Come on, Anthony.

- Come on, Anthony!

- Aah!

crowd: Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix,

Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix, Phoenix!

- Do you hear that? - Hmm?

- The crowd's going crazy. They love you.

[cheers and applause] - Ka-kaw!

Ka-kaw!

- Let's give the people what they want.

You're going over.

Cha Cha Slide, one stomp this time.

[cheers and applause]

- Come on, Whitlock!

Ka-kaw! - Go, Anthony!

[heroic music]

- Test of strength.

♪

[both grunt]

Come on!

Now I'm Tom Cruise, and you're Oprah.

Aah! - [groans]

- [laughs] - [moans]

- Come on, Anthony. - Get out of it.

- Now find your inner Cruise, and I'm Oprah.

- [grunts] I'm Oprah.

- What? Aah!

- Come on, Oprah!

crowd: Anthony, Anthony...

- [moaning]

- [grunts]

- Ka-kaw!

♪

crowd: Ooh! - [laughs]

all: One, two, three!

[cheers and applause] - Yes!

- Ka-kaw!

- Here is your winner, Trash Phoenix!

- Oh, my God, we won a sports-adjacent contest.

[cheers and applause]

♪

[school bell rings]

[warm music]

- Deznel. - Aces.

♪