Original subtitles

.

- I don't want to hear it.

Cinderella doesn't have to put up with this shit.

I have given you enough chances.

Do you know how many times I've heard you say,

"I'll change; I swear I'll change"?

But you don't change.

I got bit,

and I don't know which one of you did it,

'cause you all look alike, but it's time to go.

Please leave.

[rats chittering]

Over your dead bodies, huh?

We will see about that.

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

- Mr. Griffin, what are you doing here so early?

- And why are you wearing a tie?

Did someone die?

- As a matter of fact, yes, Anthony,

Professor Bruce J. Vogel

of the University of Wisconsin philosophy department.

And the University of Wisconsin needs to replace him,

so I'm polishing up a lecture on transcendentalism

that I'm going to record and submit.

Wisconsin can be, like, my rebound school.

- I thought we were your rebound school.

- No, Grace.

Whitlock is, like--like, my drunken back alley hookup.

- Winter break is coming up just in time, Mr. Griffin,

a little respite from the doldrums?

- Do not engage me in small talk.

- You'll never guess what Captain Nasty

is doing for winter break.

- I'm just staying home.

- Me. I'm Captain Nasty.

Everyone please call me that.

- Mr. Griffin, U.W. Madison is eight hours away.

If you move, will you miss us?

And also, what will happen with you and the lovely Lynette?

- I'm not worried about that. We'll be fine.

I won't miss any of this.

Yeah, no...

- If we're doing nicknames,

I would like people to begin calling me Chop Shop.

[bell rings]

- So he says, "Time for lunch."

And I says, "How about Wendy's?"

And he says, "I'd prefer Burger King."

- Hi. - So I says,

"Why don't we go to Arby's so no one gets what they want?"

[laughs]

- Hey, Ms. Hofstadter.

- Hey...laundry day?

- [laughs]

No, I'm actually recording that lecture today.

Figured I'd give them the full Harvard shock and awe.

- Oh.

Hey, it's not too late for you to join me

on my Habitat for Humanity trip.

I'd love to see you in Daisy Dukes and a tool belt.

- You know, this is the third time you've brought that up.

Is this a real thing you need me to do?

[indistinct chatter]

- Mary, I renew my rejection of this whole

cabin in the woods business.

I mean, I don't know how many times I have to tell you.

I don't do full nature.

- Are you kidding? We are gonna have so much fun.

Three foxy mamas in the great outdoors.

We're either gonna meet a Bigfoot,

a Brawny paper towel man, or a Leatherface.

And as you know,

two out of the three are my type.

- I'm mean, it's sure to beat Michelle's pick

of San Antonio from last year.

- I promised my dad I would tour the Pace Picante factory

before he died, so I did it, and then he died right away,

and now my mom sort of blames me for it,

so yeah, Stef, really dull trip.

- So just so I have this straight,

you guys pick an unappealing destination each year,

and then you just sit around all week?

- We talk. We make dinners.

We play our own original games. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, my God, and the games are gonna be so good this year.

We've got "Armpit, Knee Pit, Toe Pit, Mouth,"

"Roof or Scare," "Guess Whose Butt,"

and "Try Not To Puke: Dog Food Edition."

Woof. - Arf.

- Well, those games sound terrible.

- Only if you don't like dog food.

Hey, what's with the tie, Jack?

Are you covering up a soup stain?

- Did you have soup for breakfast, Jack?

- No, I'm taping a lecture on transcendentalism

as described by Henry David Thoreau.

- Well, I'm more interested in Justin Theroux,

speaking of Brawny paper towel men.

- Hey, gang.

You want to know what I'll be up to over winter break,

you'll have to get "inline."

[all groaning]

'Cause my skates.

[bell rings]

- But do it quick like you're ripping off a Band-Aid,

unless the Band-Aid is the only thing

holding on a chunk of your finger.

- Oh, yeah, Ralph.

- Oh, oh, hey... - Oh, hey, Jack.

- Jack, do you tell your siblings that you love them?

- Um, I don't have any siblings,

but I like to think that if I did,

I, uh...I would not.

- Oh. - Well, I do.

I have a brother, Dennis Durbin,

and this is the week that I finally tell him

that I love him.

- Wow, hey, big step. - Right?

I'm gonna hold him down, and I'm gonna yell in his face,

"Bro, I love you.

Deal with it."

- You can do it. - [exhales]

- Okay, hey, great plan.

So the reason I'm here is, uh--

- What's my break like? - No.

- Oh, well, every year around this time,

I meet up with an old friend.

You want to know the backstory?

- No, I don't, but thank you for asking.

- Would you change your mind if I told you

that she's been accused of eating eight people?

- Oh, yes, obviously. Eight people.

Yeah, no, go, go, go, go, go. What happened?

- 15, 20 years ago I spent my last pesos

getting from Cancun to Isla Mujeres,

which I misunderstood to be some magical lesbian paradise,

you know, where it's only accessible

to horny young ladies with the purest of hearts.

But it turns out it was just a resort town.

Anyhow, I got a job feeding chum to sharks

at the local shark sanctuary.

So one day in the sanctuary... - This part.

- I was a little late on feeding time,

and one of these babies, oh, she got hangry.

And she tried to chomp my me-meat.

- Yikes. - Now, if I would have followed

Mexican fish laws,

I would have had to have her put down,

but I refused to testify much to the chagrin

And then that toothy gal,

she thanked me with a little bow,

so every year now I fly down there,

and we boop noses,

and I feed her a bucket of chum.

It's really sweet.

- You tricked me, Helen.

Ralph, I came to ask you if I could borrow

the AV equipment that's in your office

to make a quick video after school tonight.

- To record your side of our "Amazing Race"

submission video?

- Uh, still no on that, bud.

Yeah, it's hard for me to tell where to come in

on some of those raps.

- They're-- they're a little advanced.

They're all yours, just lock up afterward, because...

♪ School's out

♪ For one week

[laughter]

[bell rings] - Whoo!

- Have a nice break.

- You too. Bye.

- Whoo-whee.

[crickets chirping]

- Okay.

[upbeat quirky music]

To achieve its perfect form,

a caterpillar must withdraw and complete itself alone

in its cocoon.

Likewise, for us to achieve spiritual perfection

in the view of transcendentalists

like Henry David Thoreau,

it is necessary to retreat from the mindless

and negative influences of society.

Which is why Walden concludes with the idea

of that selfsame butterfly,

whose beauty is a call to action

for all to seek enlightenment along the path set forth

by Justin Theroux.

Oh, Justin Theroux.

Justin Theroux? Oh, God.

Augh, I was right at the end.

God, that's frustrating.

To achieve its perfect form,

a caterpillar must withdraw...

Subscribed to the Lockean image of the mind,

but Thoreau thought that that interpretation...

th--that interpre-- th--that?

[scoffs]

To that?

Okay, yeah, no, Thoreau thought that that...

Thoreau thought that that-- that...

Thoreau thought that that--that---that...

that--that--that... [chuckles]

Is that right?

Oh, boy.

Here we go. Here we go!

To achieve its perfect form,

a caterpillar must withdraw and complete itself alone...

[vacuum whirring]

The icy pond water awakened

not just his body but...

oh, why can't-- why can't I do this?

[stomach rumbling]

Of course, low blood sugar.

I need food.

[sighs]

[classic music]

♪

To achieve its perfect form,

a butterfly--no, not a butterfly yet,

caterpillar first.

Thoreau thought that that--that--

well, now, that-- that feels like too many.

Thoreau thought that that...

Thoreau thought that that...

Thoreau thought that that...

Thoreau thought that that... that...mm.

Just say it normal,

because it's a normal thing to say, you know?

I think that that is my jacket.

We agreed that that is for Grandpa.

No, I know that that is for Grandma.

[clears throat]

Thoreau thought that...

that...

That! That! That! That!

That! That! That! That!

That! That! That! That!

That! That! That! That! That! That!

That! That! That! That! That! That!

[microphone feedback]

[sighs]

[eerie music]

♪

[grunting]

♪

[groans]

[groans]

[hissing noise]

.

[hissing noise]

[eerie music]

♪

Oh, what is that god-awful smell?

♪

[coughs]

Hello?

♪

Are you in a caterpillar costume?

Ahh!

[tense music]

Ahh! Ohh!

- Get out of here. - Ahh! Ahh!

[gasping]

♪

[birds chirping]

That! That! That!

[groans]

Sleep on a filthy floor,

you're gonna have some weird nightmares.

- Hi! - Ahh!

- Jesus, Helen, what are you doing here?

- Oh, you know I can't stay away from Whitlock long.

I've got school spirit buzzing deep in my guts,

like when I swallowed that fly.

- Helen, I can't do this right now.

- The only way I could catch it was to send out

a spider after it, but oh, that bugger wiggled

and jiggled and wriggled.

So then I swallowed a bird to catch the spider and that fly.

- [exhales]

- Basic cartoon logic after that.

I swallowed a cat to catch the bird.

Then I swallowed a dog to catch the cat.

Then I was in a real pickle.

I couldn't figure out what was gonna catch the dog.

But by then I had pretty serious angina.

[cackling]

- Okay.

To achieve its perfect form, the--

- Jack, you're here.

We thought that that video would be done by now.

- Yeah, unfortunately, it's not.

What happened with the cabin?

- You should play with us.

Want to be the first guesser and "Dirty Durbs"?

- You guess which one of us is Durbin peeing,

pooping, or masturbating.

[together] Pee, poop, masturbate.

Pee, poop, masturbate.

- Okay, well, that's definitely peeing.

Wait, no, no, no, no.

I don't have time for your dumb fun games.

I've got to do this video.

- Want to play "Hot Butt, Cold Butt"?

- No, I--

[together] Come play with us.

[tense music]

♪

[eerie music]

♪

both: To achieve its perfect form,

a caterpillar must withdraw--

- Marcus, stop saying everything along with me.

♪

- [in Marcus' voice] To achieve its perfect form,

a caterpillar must...

What the hell?

Do I sound like Marcus right now?

♪

[gasping]

Ahh!

[whimpering]

- Mm...augh.

[grunts]

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

I want this job.

I'm so overqualified.

- Jack, you're still here.

Working on your video.

- Yeah, but everybody keeps stopping me.

- Let's get you back on the right track.

What's the problem?

- I got sketty on my shirt.

- I've got what you need right here.

Everything you need is always right in front of you, Jack.

Always check the lost and found.

Which is why Walden concludes with the idea

of that selfsame butterfly,

whose beauty is a call to action

for all to seek enlightenment along the path set forth

by Henry David Thoreau.

Thank you.

- That's enough screen time for you, mister.

- Helen, Helen, no. What are you doing?

Don't sabotage me.

- [cackling]

[laughter]

- Mom?

- Mm, Jackie.

[laughs]

Hi, honey. Come in. Come in.

- Hey, Jack.

Come on in, buddy.

- [laughs]

[eerie music]

- Hey, have you guys seen my iPad?

- [laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yo, J.G.,

you got a funny-looking spleen, man.

No offense.

- I think I found the heart.

- Girl, that's a bladder.

- How would we know?

We never learned biology.

- I have to go.

Why are you keeping me from leaving?

- Oh, we're not keeping you from anything, Mr. Griffin.

You're doing all of this.

Your mind has created an entire world of distractions

to keep you from doing that video.

- You know, it's almost like you don't want to leave.

- Yes, I do.

I think I do.

- Does anyone know where this goes?

- I'll make room for it.

♪

- Ahh!

.

[together] Pee, poop, masturbate.

Pee, poop, masturbate.

Come play with us. - Ahh!

[birds chirping]

Ohh.

[clears throat]

Oh, my God. It's Monday.

It's been a whole week.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

- Ooh, Durbs, guess what.

We just added a new body part

to "Armpit, Knee Pit, Toe Pit, Mouth."

- Oh, please, don't tell me at school.

- Earhole.

[laughter] - Thank God.

- Yes. - I had assumed exactly

that color, a three-piece.

It was a swimsuit. - Elegant.

- Oh, I'm so glad to see you guys.

- Oh, Helen, what happened?

- Well, I'm starting to think that the relationship I have

with that animal is not what I thought it was.

Hi, friend. - Mmm.

- How did it go?

Did you tell your brother that you loved him?

- Uh, well, I kind of sort of choked

on saying that exact phrase, so...

- That's okay, Ralph. It's hard to be vulnerable.

- Yeah, and you have to respect the fact

that he may not be there yet.

- Yeah, I just feel kind of bad,

because a bunch of times he said, "I love you,"

and I said, "Yeah, good, good, good, good, good."

- Oh, well, I'm sure he knows how you feel.

- Well, at one point he said, "Do you love me?

Because I can't tell."

And I said, "I don't know,"

and I got into a Lyft and went to the airport.

Just full choke.

- Thank you.

You know who else choked maybe the hardest of all?

[together] Jack!

- Hey, hey, hey. - Yay, you're back.

Oh, my God. - What's going on?

- How are you, bud? We missed you.

- I choked Rollerblading.

- Hello, Ms. Hofstadter. - Hi.

- Mwah! Hi.

- Hey, I got you this from a Tennessee gas station

whose bathroom I ultimately could not bring myself to use.

- "In dog beers, I've only had one."

- [laughs]

- You were thinking about me.

- Yeah.

- Um, hey, I have to talk to you about something.

Yeah, in fact, I actually have to tell all of you

about something important that I realized while you were gone.

I realized-- - Oh, hey.

What's your beef, brother?

Is this about Jodie?

- Who's Jodie?

- Uh, I--sorry, I don't know what this is.

- Why'd you pop me, man?

I was trying to fumigate the school,

and you friggin' popped me.

- Wait, you were here?

- Yeah, Einstein.

I was trying to get you out of here

before you breathed in that rodenticide.

That stuff could kill a rat in one sniff.

And they trip balls on the way out.

[squealing]

- Wait a minute. Wait.

So I was tripping on rat poison the whole time?

- Yeah, probably, Einstein.

- Einstein.

Well, that's great news, Dale.

I've got to say, it's really great news, man.

I'm so sorry I punched you in the face.

Come here. Come here.

- Oh, Jack. [laughs]

I can't stay mad at you.

- Okay. All right.

- So, Jack, what did you learn?

[gentle music]

- Uh, well, I, uh, I invented a new game.

- Yes. Thank God. - Okay, all right.

- Yes, here we go.

- Yeah, it's called "Dirty Durbs."

[together] Awesome. Oh, my God. I like it. "Dirty Durbs."

- Yeah, and-- and the way it works is,

based on the level of ecstasy or pain that you're perceiving

in his face, you have to determine

whether he's peeing, pooping, or masturbating.

[together] Ohh. Oh, my God.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the thing is--

yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great.

All right, everybody shut your precious, beautiful mouths.

You know, after spending an entire week alone

in this empty school,

I realized that I can't survive without community.

And I came to appreciate all of you.

[gentle music]

♪

And I decided that I wanted each of you

to finish this year knowing more biology

than any student ever has.

- Mr. Griffin, I know we've had our differences in the past.

- Uh, yeah, hold that thought, Sarika,

because the biggest thing that I learned is that

prolonged exposure to rodent-killing gas

causes hallucinations and irrational ideation.

And all these things that I thought I'd learned,

well...

chemically induced illusions

caused by a dying brain.

But now...

I've got my thinker back in the pink.

And everything's back to normal.

[quirky music]

♪

- Um, boss.

♪

- ♪ I touch you twice

♪ I won't let go at any price ♪

♪ I need you now like I needed you then ♪

♪

- That! That! That!

Heh-heh!