Original subtitles

[school bell rings]

- I'm sure you're all wondering

why I'm not up for "Most Likely to Succeed."

As editor of this paper, I had to recuse myself.

- I got nominated for "Whitest."

Is that bad? It's not, right?

- How could it be bad, you know?

I mean, look at how cool the sword you're drawing is.

- It's not just any sword. It's Excalibur,

the most famous sword of all time.

[apple rolling]

- [groans] Ohh...

- Should we be starting to shut up now, Boss?

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

♪

[light music]

♪

- I'm up for "Most Original,"

the category formerly known as "Biggest Freak."

- Eduardo and I have been nominated

for "Best Friends" again

but we don't need a trophy to confirm our bond.

- Yeah, that's 'cause you know you're gonna lose

to Ashley Dorfman and Amanda Jackson.

- Ashlanda! Ugh, love them.

- I didn't get nominated for anything.

- Me neither.

But Craig Donovan made the list for "Best Singer."

Sure, if you like a tenor who pushes!

- These, uh, superlatives will never matter.

Nothing matters.

We're all just rapidly decaying meat bags

we patch together with duct tape

till the bottom falls out.

- Is your meat bag okay, Mr. G?

- Well, we'll find out after my colonoscopy.

I don't know if I have, like, a family history of anything

'cause I don't speak to my dad.

So to be safe,

I gotta drink this muck for 24 hours

then get my butt probed.

- I'm surprised that you're opening up to us, Mr. Griffin.

- Yeah, well, you guys don't count, you know.

I'm hiding it from adults,

people who don't play Pogs all day

while wondering who shot Mr. Burns.

- It's clear from your tone that we've been savaged.

But I wonder if you could do it again with updated references.

- I cannot.

And now...

[thud]

I must leave you.

[phones buzzing, chiming]

- Buckle up, people.

Amanda and Ashley have had a fight!

They're off the ballot.

- This could be our year!

We could go down in Whitlock history.

Secret handshake time?

- Gimme that knuckle candy.

[both whispering] One, two, three.

[laughs]

- Hmm? - I like his new boyfriend.

- Hey, uh, Mary. - Hey.

- Do you remember a few months back

when, uh, we made your grandma believe

that I was a firefighter named Cash

and we were getting married in a Catholic ceremony?

- [chuckling] Yeah. - Yeah, well, um,

you kinda owe me. I need a ride.

- Yeah, sure. - Okay.

- Where do you need to go? - Well, I don't wanna say.

- Oh, hey, psst, I know I'm not in this conversation,

but why can't you drive yourself?

- I'm omitting that as well.

- Oh. - I'm obviously gonna know

once we get to the destination.

Unless it's a nondescript building.

- It's a nondescript building.

- You know, the more closed off you are,

the more I just wanna take my nails and just...

[pops lips] pry you open.

You're like that one closed pistachio.

- You know what happens to the open pistachios?

They get eaten.

- Well, see, that's the point.

- Let us eat you, little pistachio.

- We will gain your powers!

- Who do you think you are, Ellen's DJ?

[sighs]

♪

♪

- Ralph, you look pretty!

Ooh, ya smell nice too.

- Oh, well, you look pretty spiffy yourself.

Is that a new shirt?

- Oh, gosh, no, this is my grandfather's favorite shirt.

He was buried in it.

But then they reopened the murder case, so--

- Ooh! There you are!

Hi, Helen, hi, Ralph!

I like it, so I'm gonna put a class ring on it.

[laughter]

- I better squeeze you! - Oh, you better!

How are you? [gasps] Look at your hair!

- Hey, Marjorie, Marjorie,

so weird you dropped by

just as I... was gettin' my twirl on!

- Ralph, are those devil sticks?

- Yep. I got 'em in the divorce.

I am as single as a $1 bill.

- Mm! - Mm-hmm.

- What is that wonderful scent that I'm smelling?

- Dark Temptation XL Body Spray.

- Ha ha! I knew it was you.

I'm gonna get that for my mailman next Christmas.

That is so yummy on you. - Yeah, yeah.

- Look at this. - Ooh!

- Lookit. Lookit. - Oh, I can tell.

That looks like something very special.

- It's so special. - Uh-- [stammers]

- What you are looking at is a lock of hair

of the legendary

Weird Al Yankovic. - Ooh.

- Marjorie, l-look, this is a new trick.

I call this The Body Scan-- watch this.

Whoa! And then...yaaaah--

Opa! - Ooh! Ah, that was great!

- Been workin' on it. - I was in line

at JoAnn Fabrics,

and who walks up but the Bard himself?

So I cut a little bit of his mane

when he wasn't paying attention.

- Oh, wow!

This has truly made my day.

- Oh, thank you. Your hands have made my day.

They're soft. They're real soft.

- Okay! Well, I gotta go

and peddle my wares. [laughs]

- Ah, it's so good.

- I didn't want that to end.

[tense music]

♪

[Muzak playing]

♪

- Here you go.

- Don't return forms until they're fully complete.

- I-I prefer to discuss some of these privately

with the doctor. - [weird voice] Excuse me,

is this where you donate the urine?

I'm a universal donor! - What are you...doing?

- [laughing] - What are you doing?

- You should have told me it was a doctor's appointment.

I've got a great butt guy. Well, he's not a doctor,

but he knows what he's doin' back there.

- Sir, your forms!

First blank question.

When was your last evacuation?

- Oh, this-- - Yeah, when was that thing?

- Come on, don't--

- I think we'd all like to know.

- This morning, on the drive over.

- What--at the gas station? - Yep.

- You said you were

buying gum, you little liar! - I did buy gum!

- [loud laughing] - Ma'am!

Be quiet!

Everything in this waiting room

must be orderly.

Select a crayon.

Draw your stool so that I can get on with my day.

- Draw it?

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hey, Mary, I'm actually pretty glad that you're here.

Thanks for keeping this a secret, so--

Seacrest.

Ryan Seacrest.

- I would never tell Seacrest.

- I mean, I think he's got enough on his plate.

[laughs] You didn't tell Lynette, did you?

'Cause...I just want--

I just want my butt to be romantic.

- No, for the 15th time, I did not tell Lynette.

- Okay, good.

So you're the only one that knows that--good.

[dramatic music]

- Knows what? About your butt surgery?

- Why is he face-up?

- Hey, no, no.

No one else knowing... my Seacrests...

[light music]

- Can I ask you guys a serious question?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- Is this where the baby comes out?

[laughter]

- Errrr...pffft!

[laughter] - You ladies

are being very loud.

- Ooh. - Sorry.

- Only the patient's ride needs to be in here.

- No, actually, we are the ride,

all three of us. - Mm-hmm.

- Well, maybe you'd be more comfortable

waiting someplace more appropriate

like a McDonald's Play Place.

- Ooh, I know she did not just tell this Burger Queen

to go to McDonald's.

- Mm-mm. - Mm-mm.

- You said something about a lollipop.

- Oh, there's our big guy! - Aw.

- Oh, are you okay?

- No. - You're with Mr. Griffin?

- Yeah. - I have some images

from today's exam.

- W-what--w--

- So what you're looking at is the ascending colon.

You're gonna see some swelling, especially in that photo.

Pass that down and make sure everyone sees it.

- Everyone doesn't need to see it, that's--

- Wait, but doctor, why does this one

have a question mark drawn on it?

- That spot is where I found a small polyp.

- Wait, a polyp? - Most polyps are harmless.

We'll run some tests and call you with the results tomorrow.

- W-w-w-w-- for sure there's a polyp?

- Here, y'all wanna see? - What are you doing?

Don't pass it to her! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Passing--ugh. And why are you taking it?

That's crazy.

♪

- Ah-ah-hem!

We'd like to talk to you all today

about our friendship.

We are hoping that our words will inspire you

to vote for us for Whitlock's "Best Friends."

- "Friendship.

"Webster's Dictionary defines it

"as a person whom one knows

and with whom one--"

[electronic music]

♪

both: Friends!

Friends!

♪

Friends!

both: Besties!

both: Friends!

♪

- They're campaigning as write-in candidates,

and they're going hard!

- Frickin' do-si-do... now!

♪

- It's called The Serendipity.

- Oh. Now, by that do you mean this moment

or the ring?

- I can't with you!

- I'm sorry that I'm being so funny and awesome

while you're trying to work. Tell me about the ring.

- Not until you tell me more about these plates.

- Oh, my...

Princess Di plates. Well,

I just always really admired, you know,

her stance on landmines.

Against.

- Hmm. Yeah.

- I just started collecting them

around the same time that my, uh...

[somber music] Parents started arguing.

♪

- You poor, sweet man.

- Would you teach me Instagram?

- Oh! Somebody help me!

- Helen, are you okay? - Oh!

I just bopped my face on my monitor,

and I knocked my tooth out!

- Thank heavens it's your fake tooth

which can be replaced.

- Well, this one isn't.

- Oh, Helen, what are you doin'?

You're a wild one, aren't you?

- Marjorie, Marjorie, I-I wrote a new song!

Listen to this.

♪ Foot on the gas

♪ And I'm goin' too fast

♪ It's a rock n' roll car, yeah ♪

- No, don't got in there, Marjorie.

Stay with me, and I'll tell you the story

about when I came out to my grandpa

in the Denny's parking lot and it went just fine.

- [laughs] What has gotten into you two goofs, huh?

Because I want whatever y'all are havin'.

[laughter]

- [sighs]

[dramatic music]

♪

- Stef, what are you doing?

- Well, I'm making sure you're okay

while also testing out some baby products.

- Wait a minute--I wasn't wearing pajamas before.

Did you change me?

- Yes, we changed you. Don't get weird.

- Jack, you own "Fifty Shades of Grey"?

all: Ooh! Freaky-deaky!

- All right, okay, there was a month where everyone got it!

I-I didn't get the other shades!

Look, can you guys just stop poking around my home?

I'm feeling a little...

- Oh, um...vulnerable?

- Whoops. - Actually, those are mine.

Those are my gym panties.

They must have fallen outta my coat pocket.

- Oh, is that-- - Look, enough!

Look, this day has been a nightmare

from start to finish, okay? I just wanna be alone.

- Well, we're not leaving you alone, okay?

We're gonna stay here and tease you

and help you forget about that scary test.

- When Keith gets scared, I sing to him.

♪ Don't you cry, little doggie ♪

- Stop! No!

- Okay, we get it.

You don't like to be goofed on.

You don't like dog songs. What do you like?

- I like getting revenge on those who've wronged me.

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Oh, yeah, that woman's got to pay.

[line ringing]

Agatha: Leave your name and number after the beep

and try not to mumble like a moron.

- Oh. [beep]

- Hi, I'm a mermaid.

My name is...

Eeeeeeeee! Eee-ee-ee--

- [Russian accent] Hello. I am snow saleswoman.

I will put you in igloo today, uh...

[normal voice] No, I--I'm--I wanna order a pizza, actually.

And, um, with, um...

I can't think of any toppings!

[beep] - I was referred to you by...

[groans] Arrrrrhhhhh...

[beep] - Hello, my name is

Peabody J. Taco of the hard shell Tacos.

[beep] - Would you accept

a Groupon that expired in

[grunting] Urr! Uhh-Ooh-Oohhhh!

- [Russian accent] It is saleswoman of the snow.

And I sell the snow by the flake.

Everyone is different. Oh, no, pepperoni!

Pepperoni! Pep, please-- Oh, ah--bye.

[laughter] - Oh, my God.

- [Irish accent] Oh, Molly, I love ya.

Come to da poob and tip da pint!

- What kind of accent is that?

- Irish.

- Uh-uh, girl, that was full-on pirate.

[beep] - This is Horace T. Taco

of the soft shell Tacos.

Perhaps you know my arch nemesis--

- The mailbox is full and cannot accept

any messages at this time. - It's full.

- Good-bye. - It's full--we did it.

- Yes! - Yes!

- Ah!

- Nice.

You guys wearing my sweatpants?

♪

[indistinct chatter]

- You think you're bester friends than us?

- We challenge you to a duel

that we hope that we will win.

- Fine. - Sounds good.

- All right, everybody,

just three questions left.

Let's take a little trip to Tinseltown.

Victor, what is Eduardo's favorite movie?

- Oh, that's an easy one. It used to be "Shanghai Noon,"

but now he can't fall asleep at night

without watching "Pitch Perfect 2."

Wait--does that mean he hates "Pitch Perfect 2"

because it puts him to sleep?

- I'm gonna need a final answer, buddy.

- Uh, "Shanghai Noon." Final answer.

- Eduardo.

- Oh, my God! - Come on, man!

- We talked a bunch about how the young women

really find their stride in the sequel.

- All right, Grace, it is time to ride the rainbow.

What's Anthony's favorite color?

- Um, his shirt is blue,

so...blue?

- Yes!

You literally see me!

I love my BFF!

- My man!

- It's time for the last question.

Eduardo, let's talk grub, bub.

What is Victor's favorite food?

- Pot pie. - What?

- Pot pie-- you said just Friday

that my mother's pot pie was the best in the world.

- It's pizza. It's pizza!

It's always pizza!

- Ooh! - Ooh...

- Eduardo, we're teens!

We're like two decades out from lovin' pot pie.

- Then why did Victor say that to my mother

about her pot pie?

- I was being nice!

- Let's give it up for our best friends...

[cheers and applause]

♪

- Helen, I know it's been awkward, so...

I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Today is Marjorie's last day and...

I think you should ask her out.

I mean, your eyes light up

whenever she walks into the room!

- Yes, Marjorie makes my nether regions

thump the "Law & Order" theme,

but I couldn't do that to you, Ralph.

This is the first time that you've flirted with anyone

since your divorce.

I would rather die again.

- Oh, hi, Helen!

I have an extremely important question to ask you.

If I said you had a nice body,

would you hold it against me?

- Oh, it's a riddle?

Oh, uh... of course I would

hold my body against you, Marjorie,

and so would Ralph!

- Ah! Both of you, huh?

'Cause that sounds like my kinda party!

Well, maybe I'll swing by later and we can, uh,

get into some trouble together?

[chuckles] [dramatic music]

- ♪ Dun-dun

- Did she just propose what I think she did?

- I think so.

A three-way at work.

Well, it's official.

I'm turning into my mother. [chuckles]

- But we--we-- we can't!

I mean, right?

- No! I mean, we can't look at each other naked.

- We're gonna say, "Marjorie, we'll do things with you,

but not with each other?" That's just weird!

- Dear Marjorie, here's 102 rules

before we start smoochin'.

I mean, we could do less rules, but...

[laughing] No, forget it! - [laughing]

- Oh, no, that's crazy, right?

- Whoo! - Ha ha ha ha.

What?

[laughter continues]

[loud, forced laugh]

[sighs]

♪

- Hi, um, I'm calling for the results of my colonoscopy.

Jack Griffin.

- Mr. Griffin,

I received 127 messages

from what sounded like you and your loud friends.

[laughing] Unfortunately,

all of those messages flooded our system

and deleted your test results to make space.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Voicemails deleted a test result?

H--that can't be a thing.

- You'll need to get another colonoscopy

tomorrow morning to be absolutely certain

you're cancer-free.

I hope you and your friends had fun, Mr. Taco.

[dramatic music]

- She knows it was us who did the prank calls.

She's making me do the test again.

- That sucks! - Damn!

Well, I guess she won.

- [sucks tongue] Or maybe not.

But it's gonna cost me my last shred of dignity.

♪

[dark music]

- Aren't you forgetting something?

- [sighs]

- [clears throat] In the end,

the winners of the "Best Friends" category

were the write-in candidates.

- Yes! You do the work, you get the reward!

Oh! - Actually, I meant Ashley

and Amanda. - Yes! Ohh!

They're back, baby.

[melancholy music]

♪

- Here, you take these.

- Ours was a sham friendship anyways.

You two are the real BFFs.

- We don't deserve your used hats.

[softly] I said pot pie.

- Come on, you're Victuardo.

♪

- During last night's closing statements

of "Bunkbed Breakdown,"

we agreed that you guys could be, like,

actual best friends.

It seems like you have a real special thing gestating.

- Then my brother threw up and Victor had to go home.

- Okay.

♪

- Although I am thrilled

that your loud, obnoxious friends aren't here,

you do need to have a ride present,

so you'll have to continue to fast

and come back tomorrow and take the test again.

- Yeah, no.

Ihavea ride.

[louder] I have a ride!

- Whoo-hoo! [laughing]

- Ah! - Oh, no...

Oh, this is not-- - No, this is it.

- No, no, no, no. - These are my friends.

- This is completely illegal.

You can't just come in here like this.

No! [everyone whooping]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is illegal!

[overlapping shouting, cheering]

No! Enough! - No?

- Enough! - Oh.

- Stop!

You want your results? Fine.

Everything was clear.

And I'm happy to share it with everyone.

♪

[all whooping]

Please stop. Just go.

No, no. Please go away.

- Ohh...

Hi! - Wow.

- Oh, so glad you made it.

- So that's you there, huh?

- That's me! - Mmm!

Well, I'm glad you're healthy. - Mm-hmm.

- Maybe next time I could give you a ride, huh?

- Okay.

Hey, um, you wanna know something

that's even more humiliating than this?

- What?

- I own "Fifty Shades of Grey."

- We all bought it that month.

- Yeah. - You...

you did buy it that month, right?

- Yeah!

- Hey, the whole school's having a party

at my gastroenterologist's and I'm not even invited?

[scoffs] Oof!

♪

- Y'all rascals here?

I'm heading out.

Oh.

[chuckles]

[sniffs] Mmm.

- Dearest Marjorie, it's me, Ralph.

- And me, Helen. I'm the purple pen.

We think you're the best thing since sliced ham.

Ralph: And you've made me excited

about the idea of being single.

But because we are long-time friends and coworkers...

Helen: We respectfully decline your offer

of a sex three-way.

Ralph: You could just say three-way.

Helen: Well, you could just tell me that

instead of writing it down.

Ralph: Let's just start over!

Helen: This is my only piece of stationary, Ralph.

Ralph: What about the stationary with the cat

dressed as Shakespeare?

Helen: Well, that's tucked

under the copier so it doesn't rattle.

Hey, are you hungry?

Ralph: I could use a bowl of chili right now.

Shall we?