Original subtitles

.

- Previously, on "A.P. Bio..."

[dramatic music]

- Little tweetie bastard. He got me again.

Yeah, he was just--just perched up there, you know,

waiting for me to get out of my car.

So I'm gonna go kill it right now.

You guys should cut class today too.

- But I have perfect attendance.

- Hey, loosen up. Loosen up.

In fact, you know what?

If you don't walk out of this class right now,

I will mark you absent.

All right, now does anyone know where I can buy a gun?

Probably everywhere, right? Yeah?

♪

- Raw horse meat.

It's a delicacy in Japan.

- I'll try it.

My pallet is sophisticated.

Arigato.

Marissa, give me your jacket.

[whispering] Give me your jacket.

Gimme your jacket.

- You just crapped your capris, didn't you?

[dramatic sting]

- Also previously on "A.P. Bio..."

- The donor insemination worked.

It's positive!

- They've all been positive.

It's weird that you keep checking.

- Ooh, girl. You know I'm thorough.

And you can never be too sure.

Ooh. Ow.

[chuckles] The legs are growing.

- Oh, no. No, no, wait.

I'm--I'm still here.

No--yeah, I understand.

Bad news.

[dramatic sting]

The mall's shut down.

- Well, fundraiser raised enough cash

for Pam's veterinary bills, but time is running out!

- She's one of the most important rams in my life.

[dramatic music]

Jack, are you leaving? - Uh, yes.

I'm going to do some, uh, bird watching.

For Biology.

- I got a real ram-ergency on my hands.

Would you deposit this in Pam's account at First Federal?

- No, I--

- I gotta go give her a sponge bath.

Stat!

[dramatic music builds]

[dramatic sting]

- Also previously on "A.P. Bio..."

[school bell ringing]

- Now that's the kind of guy who skips class.

Travis.

- He's the baddest boy in school.

I heard he's a drug dealer.

- Out of my way, nerds.

- Oh!

Sir, you dropped your...

drug money.

[dramatic sting]

- God, I hope Pam pulls through.

No principal should outlive their mascot.

- Hey, do we really need all the trees

outside around the school?

- Did you make the deposit?

- The--the--the deposit?

Wh--oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's gone. But you know what?

I'm more than happy to help cover the--

- Pam's $10,000 is gone?

She's gonna die without it.

- Uh, yeah--no. Like you said, um,

you know, I'm more than happy to help find the thief

who stole it off my desk!

[dramatic sting]

- Well, where are we gonna do our mall walks?

- Do we break into the school at night and do them here?

- Oh, you know what? I like that idea.

Let's keep it just between us.

- You guys, I am so sorry.

I just texted our whole mall walking group.

- Oh, tell me you didn't include Mr. "On your Left!"

- I'm bad at secrets!

[dramatic sting]

- We should invest it. I'm telling you.

[overlapping chatter] In mutual bonds.

- We can't spend this! It's too hot.

And until we know what to do,

Victor holds the money.

[suspenseful music]

[chime]

♪

- I'm holding the money now.

♪

[chime]

♪

- These thirsty boys can't be trusted.

[dramatic sting]

- Also previously on "A.P. Bio..."

[suspenseful music]

- Oh. - Oh!

- Hey, excuse me.

- Yeah, no. My bad.

- I don't think we've officially met.

Gary, geometry.

- I'm Dave, geology.

Such a pleasure. Here we are.

- Yeah. - Do you want some coffee?

- Yeah.

- [laughs] That's exactly

what I was gonna drink.

[dramatic music builds]

- Hm.

[dramatic sting]

- Why would anyone dance like no one's watching?

That doesn't make any sense. - [gasps]

Who would do this?

- Well, I know a few women who are none too pleased

with my behaviors.

And you wanna know the worst part?

Stuff like this tends to get me more followers

on my Whitlock live stream.

[dramatic sting]

- Coach, can I tell you something?

My wife is coming to visit me at work tomorrow.

- Okay. Why is your nose sweatin'?

- 'Cause I might have told her that...I'm a teacher.

- Oh, man.

[laughing] You're in trouble.

[dramatic sting]

[dramatic music]

♪

- [sighs]

Have you seen an envelope with 10 grand?

- I'm the one who found the money.

I am the money finder!

- Keep it up, you're gonna find my foot in your ass.

- Are you wearing a wire? - Hey--

It's my puka shell necklace.

I--I was trying something new.

- Grandma told me I should've gone to parochial school.

But no, I needed to have a drama program.

Well, here's your drama, Anthony!

- Why did I try horse again?

- All right, y'all. Stop, stop.

STOP!

The money is tearing us apart. Don't y'all see that?

We're gonna return everything that we bought,

and then we're gonna give the money back to Travis.

That's the only way we're gonna be free, y'all.

- I've always had this coat.

[dramatic sting]

- Also previously on "A.P. Bio..."

- I've been vandalized.

And do you wanna know who the real homewrecker is?

It's the guy reno-ing my bathroom.

He came in with a sledgehammer--

- Joyce. You did it.

- I'm sick. I'm sick.

I'm sick. I'm sick.

Please don't hate me.

- Of course not. You're my friend.

I would do anything for you.

- Anything?

[dramatic sting]

- Dale! There you are.

I just went into the ladies room,

and one of the toilets is clogged up again,

so could you take a look at that?

Maybe hit it with the fecal snake.

Thanks. Hi.

- What a weird thing to say to a teacher.

- [giggles]

- Normally, people just ask me about outer space

or bibliographies. - Mm-hmm.

- Good morning.

I'm Dick. I'm the principal.

Of the school.

♪

[suspenseful music]

- That was Pam's veterinarian. - Oh.

- Pam's taken a turn for the worse.

If she doesn't get surgery soon...

♪

It's bad news.

[dramatic sting]

Hey, Winston. Hey.

It's Ralph! I was thinking.

What if we got the ska band back together?

Huh? Yeah, do a couple of benefit shows.

Make some, uh-- Oh, you never broke up?

Oh. You--

Oh, you just kicked me out.

Hey, Mom! Hey!

Listen. Um, how much money do you have?

Okay, and that's supposed to last you...

through the rest of the time?

'Cause you know--

It's just like oatmeal and Mr. Pibb with you.

I don't--what else are you spending the money on?

How much for a mint condition Sensation Comics ♪1,

the first-ever cover appearance of Wonder Woman.

Really? Oh, okay.

How would I get one of those?

[dramatic sting]

♪

- I thought it was at least something more like surprising.

- No way. - [laughs]

- On your left!

- Oh, hell no!

♪

[dramatic sting]

- Thank you. I appreciate your cough drop.

That was very nice.

- Hmph.

- Oh. Hey, Gary.

[dramatic music builds]

♪

all: Also previously on "A.P. Bio..."

[suspenseful music]

- I know what kind of person you are,

and I know what you can do.

So, your money is in my locker.

♪

[dramatic sting]

- [breathing heavily]

Oh, quit faking, you old baby.

[crashing]

Oh, no. That's not good.

Oh.

- I'm calling 911.

Oh, God. Are we gonna get in trouble?

- Um, a medical emergency on school grounds?

Yeah.

- All right, if we all just keep our mouths shut,

we'll all be okay.

[dramatic music]

♪

- So, uh, we cut class like you told us to.

And we ended up with this.

- Uh...

- It seems that the drug dealer and I

have had a deep misunderstanding.

- Yeah?

[suspenseful music]

- Somebody at this school knows where that stolen money is!

- I'm declaring martial law.

Attention, Whitlock.

The school is officially on lockdown.

- Lock it up!

- Our community has experienced

a serious violation of trust.

- Not funny!

- No one is leaving

until we get to the bottom of it.

- Don't even try it.

- Helen and I are coming to every classroom.

And may God have mercy on your souls.

[dramatic music]

- Was that about us?

- We...are...hosed.

[dramatic string music]

- That was definitely about us.

- Mm-hmm.

We are deeply, deeply hosed.

♪

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

.

- And now, "A.P. Bio."

[school bell rings]

- Why did we let in

that old dude with a weak heart?

I mean, it felt so good smoking his old ass,

but at what cost?

- I mean, now he's sitting pretty in the hospital

and we're probably gonna lose our damn jobs.

- I can't lose my job!

Keith just subscribed to one of those

expensive meal delivery services.

- We're gonna get out of this.

We just have to get our story straight

before Durbin starts sniffing around.

- Yeah.

Yeah, like weren't sneaking in. - Mm-mm!

- Okay, we were staying late.

Grading papers.

- Yeah. Yeah.

And the old dude was...

an Uber driver, uh, and we had to call him

because I was having car trouble.

- Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he begged, okay, to come into the school, okay?

Because he--

- He always had a weird thing about peeing

in the smaller toilets you find in school bathrooms.

- Or we just say he had to pee.

Okay, it's simple.

Grading, Uber, pee. - Right, okay.

Grading, Uber, pee.

You got it, Michelle? You can do this.

- That's the same thing you said when I caught you

eating Steph's last fudge pop,

and I just told her now,

and I'm still telling her!

Somebody stop me. Help!

- Just stick to the script.

Okay, Michelle? - Yeah.

- Mary,

you owe my baby some fudge.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, hey. Calm down.

Hey, hey! Chill out.

- Principal Durbin and Ms. DeMarcus

are going to be here soon.

What do we do? - We're dead.

- You can all go down for this, but not me.

I'm clean.

- Your pants might disagree.

- [clears throat] - [chuckles]

- Private joke. Just ignore it.

- You got diarrhea from eating horse meat.

They filled me in.

- Look, it might be embarrassing,

but at least it's not illegal.

- You know, she's right. Okay?

Your petty little squabbles are nothing compared

to Possession with Intent to Distribute.

We need a plan here.

- We could flush it, get the little fishies

in the Maumee River all hopped up good.

- [clears throat]

Speaking hypothetically,

I don't think the school's plumbing can handle

even a simple pair of cotton underwear,

let alone...all of that.

- We're not flushing anything, okay?

We're gonna hide the drugs until we can sell them

and get the money back.

I hate to be that guy, but...

you're all drug dealers now.

[suspenseful music]

- And that's basically the Vietnam War.

Definitely no picnic.

Okay?

Helen, Principal Durbin.

Welcome.

- I think you know why we're here.

If anyone has anything

they would like to own up to first...

- Yeah. Right.

Um, okay, so see, what had happened was,

um, if y'all were curious,

is that we were here last night.

Grading papers.

Um, and we called an Uber because Mary had car trouble.

- What? - Yeah.

- Corollas are usually so reliable!

- Yeah. You know, of course they are.

Uh, but her tires were slashed.

- What is happening at this school?

Now we gotta go check out the parking lot, I guess.

- Oh, you checking out the parking lot--

You know, you guys know an amusing thing

about pregnant women is how frequently they urinate.

So, excuse me.

- Have you guys texted your friends

about buying some cocaine?

I mean, I feel like you're not helping here. Wh--

- You made us skip. You lost the money.

It's kind of all your fault.

- Well, let's--

let's set that aside for the moment, Sarika, okay?

Let's--let's fish that out of a clogged toilet,

ball it up, and throw it deep

into the bathroom garbage, okay, for the moment.

For the moment, maybe toss a few paper towels on top, okay?

'Cause I'm not going down for this!

- If they come for you, boss, I'll take the fall.

I thought I'd be the first in my family

to go to college,

but instead, I'll be the 19th in my family

to go to jail.

- Okay, no. Heather, you can't do that.

Look, I'll confess to it all.

I'll take the fall for you.

all: Aww.

- Dan, no.

You're a good friend.

I can't let you go down for this.

I'll take the fall.

S-somebody gonna...

- That daisy-chain lost momentum quickly.

No, no one person is taking the fall for this.

We'll find a place to hide it, okay?

I mean, obviously we can't keister it, you know?

- If you change your mind, I do have 16 condoms.

- Well, th--uh...

Good.

I support that.

But what's something else?

- Eyes on your own paper, Marie.

Oh.

- So real quick.

Mary's tires got slashed last night

when we were here together working.

- Grading, Uber, pee. - Right.

Plus, when Durbin came to my classroom,

I told him that we stayed extra late

because we're all writing a play

called "The Princess and the Snow Cone."

- A play? - No, no, no.

Don't even worry about it. It's super simple.

Okay, the king of an ancient tropical land

tells the princess that she can have anything

that her heart desires for her birthday.

But he never counted on her asking for a snow cone,

an impossible wish due to the lack of refrigeration

and aforementioned tropicality.

Also there's a bear?

- I think I got this, okay? I can do it.

Good morning, Ralph.

Mm--that was too forced, right?

Good morning, Ralph. No, that's the same.

Welcome to the classroom, Ralph.

Ralph, hello.

Everybody gets into accidents walking.

Some people have to practice walking.

Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! It's okay.

It's okay. Everybody take a breath.

You all take a breath too. Tale a breath in and out.

In and out! But keep your eyes down.

You keep your eyes up!

Ralph, get out of my classroom!

Nobody can come in here!

This is my room!

- Oh, God. They're closing in.

- Okay, Jack. Um, think.

We've gotta hide it. Um...

What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?

Um...

[dramatic music]

♪

- And this guy starts like, "Oh!"

- I can't believe she caved.

- Like, really, really.

And we didn't know what to do with him!

Yes. We did it.

It was us.

We are the ones that brought the ice down

from the misty mountains.

Take this back to the princess,

and she can have her snow cone!

Curtain. Intermission.

- Wow, that--that all happens in act 1?

That's amazing! - I have a few notes.

I feel like it owes a big debt to "Emperor's New Groove."

- Well, yeah, that's--oh! Oh.

Michelle was telling us about the new play you guys wrote.

- Oh, my God, Ralph, we have to go find the missing money.

- We--oh, my God.

- Did she say "missing money"?

- I can't wait to see the rest of this.

I can't believe you open in a week!

[chuckles]

- [sighs]

[laughs nervously]

[dramatic music]

- Little bit more...

Little bit more--oh!

Just about... [grunts]

Hi. Hey.

Durbin, Helen. Yeah, come on in.

So yeah, as you guys can see, standing up on something

flexes the tibialis interior muscle

which stabilizes the leg and the foot.

all: Oh!

- Yeah.

- Oh, okay.

Well, we'll just make this quick.

We are looking for a--

[thud]

- Any update on Pam?

.

[bell rings] - On the next "A.P. Bio..."

[dramatic music]

- I know exactly what that is.

We snorted a lot of it in the '80s.

It's pure baking flour.

♪

It's called a bread bump.

♪

- Yeah, so I found the guy who sold Victor that fake cocaine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tackled him,

and he whipped around and grabbed my throat.

- Gouge his eyes!

- Yeah, uh, well, this already happened.

- Oh, right. - Yeah.

So, anyway, um, I broke free.

And I had an opening for a death blow,

but I didn't wanna kill him 'cause he's a student.

- I wish more of our teachers had your restraint.

- So, long story short...

I got the money back.

- So who is it?

- I can never tell.

- [whispering] He's an undercover cop.

both: What?

- Yeah, so we better just, you know,

look the other way on this one.

And that's coming down from the brass.

- [gasps] Oh!

Pam!

We gotta get our sweet princess to the veterinarian.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go. - Thank you.

- Also on the next "A.P. Bio..."

- You're the principal, yes?

You're richer than teacher?

Powerful?

- Uh, yes, I'm the top dog.

I'm the ♪1 guy.

- [moaning]

[dramatic sting]

- Oh, my sweet princess,

how I failed thee.

What need I hands if not to deliver to you

thy cone of snow?

Ow!

[grunts] Shit. Sorry.

[dramatic sting]

- Also on the next "A.P. Bio..."

- So yours truly snuck out his back window, right,

when his lady got home.

- There you are, you man-stealing bitch!

You slept with my boyfriend,

biology teacher Jack Griffin!

- So what if I did?

And by the way, he was terrible.

- [gasps]

- Gotta go. Back soon.

- Okay, I love the part about Jack being bad in bed.

- Oh, thank you.

- Did we get a good cliffhanger for you?

- Oh, yeah.

The pigs are definitely sniffing around

for a mushroom.

[both laughing]

- Hey, it's Dave, right?

- [Bleep] off, Gary.

[dramatic music builds]

[dramatic sting]

- Thanks, King Dad.

- And I never could have done it

without the indigenous peoples of this place.

[cheers and applause]

[triumphant music]

♪

[louder cheers and applause]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo.

- Also on the next "A.P. Bio..."

- Pam the Ram made it through surgery, Ralph!

- Yeah!

[both laughing] - Ow, oh.

- Helen...

did you give her one of your kidneys?

[gong rings]

Life is crazy.

It's crazy that Pam the Ram survived this whole transplant,

only to be hit by a bus.

And it's even crazier that she survived

being hit by a bus

and that this

is the bus driver's funeral.

You know, Neil Young said,

"It's better to burn out than fade away."

And Def Leppard quoted him

in their song, "Rock of Ages,"

which Deborah's niece will now play

on the trombone.

Ophelia?

[trombone blaring badly]

♪

- [sighs]

[dramatic music]

♪