Original subtitles

- Previously, on "A.P. Bio..."

Ah, dang it.

Oberland rejected me. all: Aww.

- They said I don't have a high school diploma.

Well, yeah, because I didn't graduate from high school,

you dummies.

Well, it looks like Helen Henry DeMarcus

is going back

to high school!

- Good luck.

- And now, "A.P. Bio."

[relaxed music]

- Mom, what popcorn topping do you want?

Nacho cheese or ranch?

- Whatever you want, Jacky.

- Hm. I can't decide.

What's tonight's episode called?

- "Poor Butterfly."

- Read the blurb please.

- "When a dangerous pimp assaults

"Fatman's sole witness against him,

"Jake talks a scared prostitute

into helping him set the pimp up."

- A pimp-catching episode.

Definitely nacho cheese.

- [chuckles]

♪

[popcorn machine humming, electricity zaps]

- [sighs] What the heck?

Why aren't you spinning, big guy?

- We don't need popcorn

to watch an old "Jake and the Fatman."

- No, no, no. You're wrong, okay?

Because it's a tradition, all right?

We need the popcorn and the Butter-tastic Pop 2

or it just isn't Tuesday Night Stay Up Late TV Night.

It just isn't. - Okay.

- I don't know what to do. No, no, no.

Come on, man.

[upbeat electronic music]

♪

[exhales]

Ah.

What the hell?

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

- One, two, three, four!

- ♪ Next time

♪ I'll listen to my heart

♪ Next time

♪ Well, I'll be smart

♪

[bell rings] - When I kindly demanded

a refund, that hell pigeon threw a tiny piano at me,

leaving this abrasion on my forehead.

So I thought I bought a full-size popcorn maker, not...

this.

all: Aww.

- No, it's not cute, okay?

It's--it's small, and it's stupid.

[all gasp] [machine bounces]

- Hey.

[scoffs] Uh-uh.

- Oh, you didn't check the dimensions, did you?

Internet pro tip, man.

Always scroll down and check the dims.

- I'll take the tiny popcorn maker.

I have a dollhouse, and drama's really been building up

since Kelsey caught Stink in the hot tub with Andre.

But that just what happens when

[reality TV announcer voice] seven strangers are picked

from my toy box to share a home.

[chuckles]

[normal voice] Did I do a fail? - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, Target has popcorn poppers.

And if you come in on a Tuesday or a Saturday,

you can buy a hot dog from yours truly, Grace.

- Grace, I've talked to you before

about plugging Target hot dogs in here.

Plus, I don't want just any popcorn maker.

Okay? I want the Butter-tastic Pop 2.

- If you're looking for my analysis

of this situation... - Oh, I'm not.

- It seems like you've confused...

- I am not. - The magic of TV night

with a specific brand... - I never am.

- Of popcorn maker, and buddy,

that's like scooping peanut butter out of a jelly jar.

- Anthony, what's going on over here with all the glitter?

- It's a multimedia thing I'm working on

that combines history, rap, and glitter bombs.

It's sort of the next

revolutionary step after "Hamilton."

- Lost me at "Hamilton," bud.

- So I had you for the full thing then.

- Guys, this is the mission, okay?

We need to destroy this little granny.

Now how are we gonna do it?

- Porch turd?

- Come again.

- I'm good.

- Why don't we just sell this lady

a bunch of doll-sized furniture, right?

And then when she gets it,

it'll be full-sized furniture.

- How are we gonna make full-size furniture look tiny?

- All you gotta do is make a 6-foot soda can.

And then take a picture

of the regular-sized furniture next to it.

I do it all the time.

- Yeah, let's send that bitch a sectional.

- Mr. Griffin,

if you're still wondering what Marissa said,

I believe it was,

"porch turd."

- Yeah--okay. Thanks, Eduardo.

Guys, we gotta think bigger, okay?

I wanna hurt this old lady the way she hurt TV night.

All right? I wanna mess up her little store.

Without killing anybody. You know?

That should go without saying with all these, okay?

I mean, you guys know it's never that, right?

Has that been super clear?

That--that we don't kill the person?

- It's definitely good to hear out loud.

- Yeah, now, Anthony,

these glitter bombs, when they explode,

they could destroy something, right?

- The point of a glitter bomb is not destruction.

It is wonderment. - Right.

But if I were to jam one into a tiny dollhouse,

it would wreck it?

- I think it would be glamazing.

- Yeah, but an old dollhouse lady would hate it?

- Only if she hates beauty and refracted light.

- Okay, I think we're saying the same thing.

Thanks, Anthony. All right.

Well, a mission is born.

- You okay with covering for me now?

- Absolutely.

I'm the principal of the school.

I can answer a couple of calls.

I'm probably gonna kick back

and finish my book,

"You're OK, Divorcée. Adventures in Singlehood."

- Good. You're doing the work.

Do you mind if I take the keyboard cleaner?

I'm really sweating it up. [can hisses]

- Helen, are you nervous?

- [sighs] I am, Ralph.

- You're gonna be fine.

Think of old Harold. Sacramento, all right?

Wife left him when he was 97.

Said he was too old.

Now he's out there dating,

having the time of his life.

Or--or maybe not. This was published in 2013.

He's probably dead.

- Oh, now I'm half nervous and half sad.

Congratulations, Ralph.

You made me into an actual teen.

- Are you too angsty to do a handshake with your principal?

- Never. [both chuckle]

both: Boom. Boom.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oooh.

- Uh-uh-uh.

We got this. [both laughing]

- Thank you, Ralph.

- Hey, get going, little missy.

The bell rang ten minutes ago.

- Oh, my God.

Out of my way, boomer.

- [chuckles] - Morning, Ralph.

- Hey. - My Sex Ed condoms came.

- Oh.

- And looks like I ordered enough

to get the free dildo!

[giggles] - Oh, uh...

- Oh. Don't worry.

I'm giving it to a friend.

I am totally asexual, Ralph.

[laughs nervously] - [mutters]

- Actually, no, Ralph.

I'm not totally asexual.

I'm--I am fully sexual,

and this dildo is for me

for sex purposes.

Have a nice day.

- Stop having those delivered to school!

[dramatic drum music]

- She has a little White House replica

right inside of her door.

So Anthony and I can plant the glitter bomb

and retreat very easily.

We just need---

We need somebody to distract Granny Shitbird.

We need the ultimate distractor.

What about you, Sarika?

You seem like you go into a lot of stores

and ask to speak to the manager.

- Only if the customer service is subpar.

- You asked to speak to my manager.

- It's called a hairnet, Grace.

- Okay, no, but we need a true distraction here.

- If it comes to it, I'd be willing to show my, uh,

kazoo. [all murmuring]

- You--no. No, come on, no.

And please never tell us what you're referring to.

- Hey, yo, Mr. G. What if it was this?

Let's say it's raining.

I've got my shirt open, of course.

I walk up and I'm like,

♪ Maybe I saw you at the movies, girl ♪

♪ Maybe I saw you at the car wash ♪

♪ I can't remember where I saw you, girl ♪

♪ But I remember that I liked it, girl ♪

- Cancel the sectional.

That bitch is gonna need a coffin.

- Very smooth. Very smooth.

- Hey, teach. Sorry I'm tardy.

Oh! Son of a!

My apologies, Mr. Bones. [laughs]

I mean, I'm not sure if it's a mister, but I'm assuming.

It's hard to tell with their groin

once the flesh is boiled off.

Historically, most of those are made

from male hobo bodies.

And, you know, the lady hobos

don't donate their bodies as much.

Isn't that a headscratcher?

Anyway, I don't mean to distract from the learning.

So take it away, Mr. Griffins.

- Yes.

Please continue the lesson, Mr. Griffins.

- As you can see, I've drawn a popcorn maker,

which is the perfect thing to picture

the orderly chaos within each human cell.

And then we got talking about a biological phenomenon

known as distractors.

- [groans, clears throat]

Seems to--I put my backpack--

I took it off while I was sitting.

And it somehow hooked to the top of my undergrunders.

It's just-- [clears throat]

I just gotta free myself from this little trap here.

Yuyao, can you... [sighs]

unzip that big zipper back there?

But just do it real slow.

Otherwise, I think I'm gonna launch into the blackboard.

I'm basically a bullfrog in a slingshot right now.

- Oh, God. That hurts.

That is bad. Yuyao, pull.

No! That's the wrong way.

[sighs] My pork tenderloin is--

I'm not gonna be able to sit on a barstool for like a year.

- Looks like we found our distractor.

- [groans] I'm just glued!

I'm glued and I'm flossed.

[drum music]

[bell rings] - So, uh, Helen,

you're a little further behind than I thought.

And in order to get you fully caught up,

I'm gonna need you to do your report

on DNA today, all right?

You are gonna be interviewing a real life Toledoan

about her family tree.

- I--I really should get back to the office, Jack.

- Oh, no, well,

look at Anthony's dedication to biology.

I mean, he should probably be getting to--

- Gym class. - Yeah, gym class.

But he's skipping that 'cause he loves--

- Not running. - No.

No. Because he loves biology.

All right? So grab your things.

Now, listen. Listen.

Durbin is gonna be fine.

[phones ringing] - I'm s--I don't know

which button here is hold,

but I have some good news.

Your son is not sick. I made an error.

It's Caleb Baker, not Caleb Barker.

Uh, so...

and I'm sorry that you used your...

one phone call to find that out.

Uh, Ms. Barker, can you please hold for just a second?

Mm, yeah. [phone ringing]

- Congratulations, you're caller 97

on the free money giveaway.

Just give us the phrase that pays.

- FM 97 plays all the songs

that are fit to hear. [buzzer blares]

- [voice distorts] Wipeout.

both: FM 97 plays the tunes that make you move.

- I--that's the phrase?

- So, Durbs, Helen promised me

a bushel of pinecones for an art project.

We're making these cute little pinecone creatures

for the children's hospital.

- Okay, yeah, I'll find the pinecones.

Can you guys get these? [phones ringing]

Oh.

- Whitlock Rams, home of the--the Rams.

What's up, caller number one?

- Hello, Whitlock residence. Mary speaking.

- Mr. Durbin, did you get my mom yet?

I think I might be sick soon. - [stammers]

- Where's your wife? - Helen is not my wife.

- Then what's with the photo? - It's fake!

We're not married, and we're not mermaids.

- I need 1,000 meatballs by 10:00.

It's spaghetti day.

I have carpal tunnel.

- No, I don't know the "school hours."

It's open, like, most of the time.

I'm sorry, ma'am, can you--Durbs.

We cannot do this. Can we please get Helen back?

- No. - Over my dead body.

She is following her dream.

When Anne, 58, from Tulsa got divorced,

she followed her dream of becoming an animal therapist.

She was kicked in the head doing what she loves best--

tickling horses' feet.

And she never thought of her ex-husband again.

Or tied her shoes.

- Now see, Durbs, that started to help

and then did not.

- Okay, fine, I'll handle the call.

Can someone start on the meatballs?

[cart creaking]

- [sighs] - [gags]

[meat squelches]

- Nothing like an early morning raw beef bath.

[light music]

♪

- I love even in the little gas station over there

the bathroom is clean. It's just--

I love everything, and I especially love

those farm animals.

Everything's so adorable,

but most of all, I gotta ask you, jeepers creepers,

where did you get those eyeballs?

Is that color from mama's side or daddy's side?

- Funny you should ask.

We think the color is from my mother's side.

- Oh! Interesting.

- But the shape is from my father's side.

- I have my father's eye.

- You mean eyes.

- Oh, no. His actual eye.

I had a bum cornea, so when he died,

they just swapped his right in to my eye

and that's why I don't look at myself naked

'cause it wouldn't be appropriate.

I don't think he'd appreciate it.

I mean, he's a spirit. He sees a lot of naked spirits.

I'm sure they don't have clothes up there, but...

[mischievous music]

- [whispering] Nice.

♪

[bomb beeps] Man.

I wish we could see the look on her face

when this thing does off.

- It'll be glitterific.

She may even glamppreciate it.

- Stop doing that with words, all right?

Remember what this woman did to my Tuesday night tradition.

[phone ringing, people chattering]

- Just give me a second, okay?

- Well, I--I see your daughter's point.

Those girls are mean to me too.

But I still come to school.

- Oh, no. Helen isn't here?

I have to put together all these "Safe Sex" packets

before lunch.

She always tapes on the condoms for me.

- Oh, sorry, Michelle. We're out of tape.

There. Knee-length.

You are up to dress code.

And honestly, it's a good look.

[phones ringing]

- On to Plan B.

- Oh, I guess for the students too.

- I can't ignore this anymore.

My tie is caught in the paper shredder.

Can someone some here and deal with this

worried mom who can only fax?

- 15 balls? That's it?

- Ooh, damn, Rhonda.

Damn.

- Is Ms. DeMarcus here?

I accidentally ricocheted a throwing star into my leg.

- [gasps]

- Uh, I'm here for my child? - He's right here.

- That's not my mom. - Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.

Your son is fine. Could you take this one?

And just drop him at the Baker's on the way home?

- That'll be fine. - I might throw up in your car.

- Car? I have a motorcycle.

- Cool. Can I drive?

- That'll be fine.

- What? No, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Do these meat hunks taste piney to you?

- Mine's literally a pine cone.

- Why's everybody eating in here?

- We eat in here to avoid all the muggles in the cafeteria.

- Where's Ms. DeMarcus?

- She's still talking to that dollhouse lady.

- What about the package? Did the eagle land?

Is the lotion in the basket?

- Yeah. Yeah, uh--I think so.

Later tonight, Granny Shitbird's

precious little White House will be exploding

in a vengeful cloud of glitter.

All thanks to Helen and her

endless supply of folksy nonsense.

[chuckles] Tell you,

giving her a decoy biology assignment actually worked.

It was amazing to watch somebody else

get just absolutely blasted

by her incoherent word hose.

[imitating Helen] I once abducted

a group of aliens,

yet somehow I wound up

being the one that was probed!

- I told you that in confidence.

- Helen, I, um--I was

actually just telling the class what a great job you did.

- This project isn't even real? You lied to me?

You've been lying to me this whole time?

You think I have a word hose?

And you think that word hose is incoherent?

I'm not even getting credit for this report?

I thought we were friends?

I mean, I thought we were friends.

[dramatic music]

- And, uh, that's when we planted the glitter bomb.

- So how's that gonna help you

get the vintage popcorn popper

for your Tuesday Night TV Night thing?

- Admittedly, there is no direct correlation.

- His sorrow manifests as externalized rage.

- Well, thank you, Marcus.

Well, I am very sorry that you're sad.

But you did lie to me.

And the only thing worse than a bee stinging is

when a bee first tells you, "I'm not gonna sting you."

And it's safe to go into his bee house.

- Did you stick your face in a beehive, Helen?

- I just wanted to meet a queen.

- I'm sorry I lied to you. I really am.

- So what are you gonna do to fix what you did to that

double-jointed, pigeon-toed, half-Albanian?

- I'm gonna ask my friend to help me fix it.

- Who's your friend? - Helen...

[dramatic music] There's a bomb

in the White House.

And we're the only two people on Earth who can stop it.

♪

[dramatic choral music]

♪

[car horn honks]

[door lock rustles]

- [quietly] There we go. There we go.

Okay, come on.

All right, it's right over here, okay.

[exhales]

[door creaking, bomb ticking]

Okay.

Which--which one do I, um?

- Get the right one.

- No, no, no, no, no. - [quietly] Ahh!

[inhales sharply]

- [exhales, sniffles]

[suspenseful music]

[bomb ticking]

♪

- Oooh.

[bomb stops ticking]

- [laughs]

[whispering] Yeah, success! Yes!

[laughs] - You know what?

These things are pretty impressive.

- Yeah. The attention to detail

is surprisingly satisfying.

- I mean, just look at that--

[fabric stretching] Oh.

Jack.

I just got snagged on the State of Liberty.

I'm a little caught up here.

- Okay, all right-- well, don't--don't move.

Let me--let me get it.

- I'm a fish on a hook. - You sure are.

A little snagged?

This is--this is crazy. - [groans]

Oh, don't tug that part.

- Well, I'm not even really tugging yet.

- Yeah, that's a house of cards right there.

- Okay. All right. Okay. - Try the other.

You caught hair. Ah!

- Close. We're close here.

- [yells] - Oh!

Oh? - Oh. That was close.

- Yeah. Heh.

- I think if I stand up slowly. - Uh-huh.

- [screams] Oh, no, I'm in a panic.

[screaming] - Oh.

[both scream]

- Oh, oh!

- Oh! Ouch!

- Oh, oh. Oh, oh. - Oh, God.

Oh, no, what's on my head? I can't see.

I can't see.

- Oh, my God. Stop.

What-what are you doing? - Oh, son of a bitch.

Oh, no.

Oh, God. - What are you doing?

- [whimpering]

- No, no, no, no. Don't stand up there.

[thuds]

- [groaning] - Oh, my God.

Oh, my--are you okay?

- Ah!

Oh, God. - Oh, my God.

- Hold on.

[both breathing heavily]

Uh... - Should, we, uh,

call the dollhouse lady, tell her what happened?

I mean, I'll take the blame.

- You're a good friend, Jack,

but we need to get the [bleep] out of here.

I'm on probation.

I'll tell you the story in the car.

- Okay. - Come on.

- Where are you going? - Follow you.

Just--I'm disoriented.

[phone ringing, disconnected tone]

[electronics buzzing]

- Durbs. - Ralph?

- Durbs! - Ralph!

- Oh, no. Did you sleep here?

- Yeah. But you know what?

It's okay.

[phones ringing]

I can't--I'm broken. I can't.

- Good morning, ram rods.

- Oh! - Oh, Helen.

- Oh, thank God, Helen. - Hey.

- Oh, my fanny.

- I really wanna support you going back

and getting your high school diploma.

But you are too important to lose.

So I'm gonna go against everything

this book tells me to do and beg you to come back.

I--I'm nothing without you.

[stammers] We'll have a baby to fix it.

Well maybe not that--

- Ralph, you know that I can't say no to you.

- Mrs. Durbin, these corns aren't gonna shuck themselves.

- Yeah, 'cause you're gonna do them.

Now get the hell out of here.

Shoo!

[coins jingling]

Don't make me spray you.

Comes in here trying to make me do her job every day.

And you just have to be firm with her.

That's all.

- [laughs] Yeah! Hit the road, Rhonda.

Why don't you peel your own corn, you--

Oh, God. She's coming back.

- Hey, there's my star student.

- No, Jack. You cannot have her back.

- Here we go.

Two men fighting over me. [laughs]

It's not been the first time.

I made a real mess of the cast of "Fuller House."

Sorry, Jack.

Clearly, my services are needed here.

- Okay, well, listen. I better give you this then.

Really good work. - A?

- Mm-yeah. - Yahoo!

Hot mail! [laughs]

Earth link. Aww.

- Helen, what about your final credits?

- Oh, well. Look, Helen,

I mean, I could probably help you with biology

when we both have some down time.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You would do that? - Sure, why not?

- Oh, you little cutie! - [laughs]

- You mind if I lay one on ya?

- Oh. Uh...

- Boo-boop. - Mmm.

Oh, okay. An old Tootsie Roll.

Thank God.

- Oh, they're good, aren't they?

- Mm, no.

[popcorn machine whirring]

Oh, my God! What did you do?

- I fixed the cord.

- How? Wow.

Thank you. - [chuckles]

- Okay, so...

ranch or nacho cheese?

What--what's tonight's episode?

- "A clown--" - Eh.

"Goes after Jake with a sawed-off shotgun,

"leaving the Fatman to remember

all the suspects he's convicted."

both: Ranch. - Yeah.

Yup. - We get it.