Original subtitles

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away…

That's the wrong script… Here…

There is a theory that any thought,

any piece of information broadcast into space,

materializes and sooner or later comes true.

All living, thinking creatures in our universe

use this function.

Every individual is unhappy with their life at some point

and constantly desires something better.

The most demanding object in the Milky Way

for the last 200,000 years has been Planet Earth,

populated by 7.5 billion people.

Currently, the biggest demands are sent into space from this location.

No, not from Moscow.

People there are far better off now.

Voronezh is the most demanding location.

Where is my passport?

Aunt Luda, do you know which one it was?

Look in a yellow one! Ours was yellow.

All of them are yellow.

Look better, our bag was over there.

I always make a double knot.

No drunkards have passed by yet, I've looked from the window.

Hey! I just remembered, I threw out a lightbulb.

Look in a bag with a lightbulb.

-Marisha, here is your stuff. -Where are you going? Come on, help me.

Lyosha!

I'm late. Vitya has already called from the car service.

What are you doing, in your clean clothes?

How many times have I told you? Hygiene.

Mom! Please!

Come on, give me a boost.

-What do you mean, give you a boost? -I mean, give me a boost. Come on!

Lyosha, what did I tell you?

-Marina… -Go two steps away from the dumpster.

-Mother! -Step back, I told you!

It's the smell!

I'm leaving.

Aunt Lyuda, isn't this our moldy bread here?

It's a sin to throw away bread.

Oh my God, a young family scene.

Marina, say hello to the followers.

Polosukhina, put the camera away. Now!

Relax. It's only Stories, it will be gone by the time of your wedding.

-Hi, Liza! -Hello. Hello, Aunt Lyuda.

Marina! Are you diving for pearls?

Not funny.

I threw my passport in the trash. I think.

Hi, Dmitry Olenin is here.

This is Russian Radio and we continue to make your wishes come true.

Make a wish and the Universe will hear you for sure.

Do you really need your passport? You're not going anywhere.

Well, how do we go to the registry office?

Am I to put the stamp on my hand? And have a fake marriage?

You will have your wedding and go there after the honeymoon.

Polosukhina, are you out of your mind? It's the most important thing.

You wear a dress, your hair is done.

These are memories that last a lifetime.

Like memories from the young communists. How valuable!

What are you doing? You smell like your grandmother!

Phew, those are pheromones for a car.

So, did you sign up for the marathon?

I have my own marathon, I haven't eaten for two weeks to fit into the dress.

Well, there is a marathon of wishes. Shush, Dusya. The song.

It sucks.

Feng shui works.

Shit-shui works.

Feng shui is such old stuff. But the marathon of wishes is such a bomb!

You make a wish, and everything just pours into your pockets.

Even things that cannot pour.

Have any of your wishes come true, huh?

My wishes? Everyone's wishes have come true.

Do you remember how Pashka had that terrible blue nail?

It was not just a nail, it was an omen. It was so terrible.

It's fine now, but we've suffered for so many years.

A nail?

A nail. And don't be so skeptical about it.

For seven years I had no orgasm because of this nail. None.

I had to fake it.

-Wait, didn't you leave him? -Yeah, but not because of the nail.

Okay, get a notebook, open it and write down your seven greatest wishes.

I only wish I had my passport back.

Why are you so slow to understand?

There is amplitude, the Universe, you need to swing it.

One wish isn't enough. If you have seven, they'll go straight into space.

-Hi! -Hi!

-Hi there. -Here is the bride!

I've asked you to take the food away.

Don't you yell.

Uh, why does it smell like cats here?

Girls, did anyone see my passport?

-I didn't. -Nope.

Damn.

So what was it?

Marathon of wishes.

I want to find my passport.

It really does smell like cats.

I told you so.

Aunt Lyuda, it's not at work. Look behind the sofa.

Maybe it has fallen there? I'm not drinking, I'm working.

When do we start with your hair?

I would have left it loose.

If it's gathered you look bald.

I want a wedding with Lyosha that makes everybody die with envy.

And to be so damn beautiful.

As I promised. Real Givenchy.

But it was a little more expensive.

How much?

Put it under the frog.

Damn, I did not find it. What about Ashot?

"Mom, I want to be a paleontologist". I nearly fainted.

And what are you going to live on, daughter?

A dinosaur won't take you to Turkey.

I want to go to Turkey with my beloved. No, to Paris.

He's got a 5th loan, to pay off the 4th one.

I want to pay off the loan for the windows.

Mom, ask Aunt Olya if they will accept a photocopy.

Will they make a passport in one day, if it is urgent?

I've brought you the tomatoes.

Why am I sitting here? To look into your glassy eyes?

I'm telling you whom I've met in a subway in Moscow.

Khrustalev from the Urgant talk show.

-Maybe he was just a look-alike. -No way. I'm telling you, it was him.

I got goosebumps and I understood that I'm reaching a new level.

Can you believe it, I was promoted from cashier to manager. Amazing!

I want to meet a star to reach a new level.

I'm only afraid I got pregnant.

From Khrustalev?

Well, we were standing so close.

Hello? Aunt Lyuda?

I want Aunt Lyuda to go back to Saratov after the wedding. Immediately.

"FRAGILE" - BECOME HIS DREAM

I want Fragile perfume.

I was wearing panties and a bra from different sets.

And I was so shy.

So what?

Nothing.

Well, look at her!

What are you crying about?

The girl is getting married on Saturday and you're giving us bad karma.

I want a bra and panties from the same set.

Three sets.

How much longer? It's the 5th time this week.

Has anybody called the energy company?

-Your kids did this. -Mine are at home, doing their homework.

Stop yelling! Everything's gonna be alright.

Give it back.

PASSPORT

I'll give it back when she moves out.

Mom, what do you want me to say?

"Sorry, there will be no wedding?"

Yes, that's what you'll say. Sorry, there will be no wedding.

Why don't you marry Sonya? She is a perfect option.

And you want this one? Miss Cuticles.

Don't you see that she doesn't suit you at all?

-A she-tick. -Mom!

Mom what?

I would have twisted her like that,

but I'm afraid the head will still be there.

Lyuda, check the switch box.

The electricity is back!

-Vasya, turn it off, now! -Jesus!

Hello!

Oh! You've frightened me!

You know, you can't do that to me

because I'm sick.

Marishka!

Marina, wait.

Oh Lord! My heart ached three times. This has never happened before.

-Marina, dear… -It had never happened before.

Lyoshenka, you must bring me the drops.

You have to go to the pharmacy on Herzen Street.

I'll go downstairs and get some from Aunt Sveta.

Oh, on Herzen Street…

Mom, what Herzen Street?

Do you want me to tell her right now?

Wait!

7th.

Oh, 8th.

Oh, 9th.

Oh, 10th.

Oh! It's a wandering spasm.

Marinochka…

Let's not dramatize, okay?

Well, from this perspective it's even better.

I've gone through this all.

Believe me. I'm a woman, I see everything.

I'm on your side.

You need a completely different man.

What is it about Lyosha?

You should understand, we are in love.

Don't be ridiculous.

After all, we are getting married, we've booked a restaurant.

You won't have any wedding.

I've already stopped by Ashot's place and cancelled the prepayment.

Why are you sticking your nose in everything, Aunt Lyuda?

Because this is my son!

Well, your son has become a man only thanks to me!

Who has taught him to go to Turkey, huh? Who has cured his stomach?

Give birth to your own children and cure them!

And I'll give birth!

So go give birth, but not in my apartment!

What?

Your apartment? And who has made the repairs here, huh?

And the double-glazed windows?

And who put up the wallpaper, huh?

-Did you? -I did!

Well done!

Yes, anything that is good here, everything is mine!

Here! I've bought this floor lamp, see?

Well, put it back!

-What about the camera? -The camera is not yours!

And this is my pillow, see?

And the expander, the expander is mine too.

And I bought this crystal vase! And this toy car.

That's Lyosha's, put it back!

Okay.

And this I hung up for happiness.

It sucks.

My veil… and this is mine too!

This is mine too.

And the bunny, and the beauty bag.

-And the tablecloth! -No.

Lyuda!

Put it here!

Are you sure you haven't put foil in the microwave? It blows fuses.

Tanya, I don't have a microwave, you know.

Well, yes.

Damn you!

-And the photo frame is mine! -No, it's mine!

Give back the photo frame!

Hello.

Did you find your passport?

Yes, I did.

I've told you that Lisa Polosukhina doesn't give bad advice.

The marathon works 300%.

The wedding's got canceled!

How come your wedding's got canceled?

I'm was going to have a blast there.

And to eat for at least 7000 rubles. And even for 8000 with pancreatin.

Aunt Lyuda wants him to marry Sonya Talmatskaya.

She has taken back an advance payment from the restaurant.

Which Sonya? Ah, the ugly one. Ugly as my life.

She has no boobs and no brains. Even ravens won't go after her!

So don't worry.

Tell me where to go, I'm leaving.

Where are you going? I'm no longer in Voronezh.

I'm on business in Khanty-Mansiysk.

Why do you always complain?

Don't you understand that I'm here for our business?

There's a congress here on the marathons of wishes.

Does it sound familiar? Everyone is here. Even the head boss.

If you touch her, any wish can come true.

When you touch her boob, magic starts to unfold.

Dreams are coming true when you are standing next to these boobs.

Do you feel it? My friend from the antenatal clinic knows a woman

whose friend's girlfriend went to touch her breast and you know what?

A SUV hit her that day.

She now lives in the most expensive apartment.

She eats diamonds and Sting washes her feet. It's a miracle!

What was her wish?

To get married! And she did!

The plane leaves in an hour.

The plane to Khanty-Mansiysk.

I'm buying the ticket and sending it to you right now. You are welcome,

you can pay me back later, from the wedding money.

The transfer is in St. Petersburg. Get ready. You need to touch these boobs.

-Do you have any luggage? -No. Just a carry-on.

Miss, do you know our policy regarding dimensions?

Maybe you also want to bring a bathtub as a carry-on?

We need to see him off quickly.

He must be very drunk if this song calms him down.

Dear passengers, welcome to the northern capital.

The weather in St. Petersburg is good, it's 18 degrees Celsius.

Yes, Lisa?

Oh, what kind of Prosecco do they have here?

Must've scraped the bottom of the barrel, it tastes like kombucha.

-What? -Are you in St. Petersburg?

I am. Listen, Lyosha is calling.

Of course he is calling after all that. Jerk.

He has called 47 times already.

Well, he should call another 47 times before you even think in the direction

of quietly saying a hateful "Hello".

Wait, I'm just thinking, maybe I should go back?

Maybe I shouldn't go anywhere?

What the hell is wrong with you? Of course you should go!

After all he has done you should answer only after the 100th time.

Do you remember Shorena?

Whose eyelid has fallen.

She had a fight with her boyfriend, he called her 69 times

and the 69th time the foolish girl answered her phone.

That was it, he laughed at her over the phone.

Her eyelid fell, and it didn't rise again.

No way! And I thought it was because of botox.

What botox? Psychosomatics.

How terrible!

So only the 100th time.

48!

57!

You see, everything was fine with us!

While Aunt Lyuda was in Saratov. Damn.

We were living in perfect harmony for two years. Then she came. Damn.

Everything will be fine, I've already signed us up for these blessings.

-Don't panic! -What did you sign us up for?

For you to come and hug the woman and that's it!

Mom is in Saratov. You and your groom are in Voronezh.

-Everyone is happy. -Do you think it can work within a day?

It will work right away.

Yesterday I went to an ATM to withdraw 2500 rubles,

and it gave me only 2000.

So I looked straight into the camera and yelled,

"Hey you, I'll remember you."

In less than a second the missing 500 rubles came out.

Isn't that a miracle? Can you imagine how powerful it was!

Even machines are afraid of it.

Boys!

Lisa, wait. I'll call you back.

This is yours.

Thank you very much!

Next.

-Next, please. -Miss, are you coming?

Please go. I will go after you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You are wonderful.

-Take your passports. -Thanks!

Thanks!

-Have a nice flight. -Goodbye.

Hello, to Khanty-Mansiysk.

Hello.

Igor, do you still have registration for flight 245 open?

No.

-Is something wrong? -Yes, there are no more seats.

-What? -Just a second…

What do you mean, no seats?

-It is a whole hour before the flight. -I know.

Listen, you still had one seat, right?

No. The plane is full, rebook her.

Wait, what's going on?

Nothing, we'll check you in for the next flight.

What do you mean, for the next flight?

Sometimes they sell more tickets than there are actual seats.

The 7:40 a.m. check-in is closed.

The young man just took the last seat.

-Sir! -Miss! Your passport!

I'm terribly sorry, there was a mistake. You took my seat.

Koshkin, 17C…

Yes, Koshkin, do you remember?

You were standing right behind me in the line, and I was in front of you.

And a woman there dropped her stuff, I started helping her,

and you asked me, "Miss, are you going?",

so I told you, "Go ahead", do you remember?

-Yes, I remember, so what? -So, you took my place.

And it was the last seat, you see? I really have to go. Thanks!

Miss, please swap this around.

No, just a second. Let's not change anything. I didn't even say a word.

So please tell her.

Vera…

Let's help this woman… It's just…

What do you mean, this woman?

-She's a country girl. She misunderstood. -Country girl? Stop calling me names.

Listen, I'm trying to help you, just a second.

Hello! I work with people. I have a health passport. My PPD has never been swollen.

I can only offer you business class at 11:00 a.m.

Business class at 11:00 a.m. Great!

What do you mean? Wait, stop!

I will remember you.

Damn. The memory is full.

Are you just going to walk away?

Dude! This is bad karma, see? Bad karma, got it?

Bad karma!

You don't know what will happen!

Bad karma. I will remember you!

-Security, please come to desk 54. -Miss, please put me on this flight.

Please calm down, you are scaring the passengers!

Why do they scare so easily? Get your hands off me! Okay! Well done.

Vera, please, I really need to go.

Can you put me on a folding chair?

Unfortunately, it's against regulations.

What kind of airline is this? You have regulations and don't have seats.

Get your hands off me!

I said I need to go, my whole life depends on it.

This is bad karma, I will remember you! And you, scum!

Who do we have here?

The overbooking victim is here.

She cursed out half of the airport, kicked the employees.

You did everything right.

Miss Gamynina.

Marina Valerevna.

Well, Marina, are you going to pay the fine?

I will. Just a second.

Damn.

No wallet.

Can your relatives or anybody else bring it to you?

No.

Then sit here.

Wait!

Will you take the expander?

Or maybe an iron?

You will stay here until we've figured everything out.

Take the photo frame, huh?

It's a valuable thing!

Baby, where did you go? I've been looking for you all over.

Give me the bags.

Marina!

Leave him!

He is oversized luggage.

He will ruin your life.

And your trip!

Do you breathe with your uterus?

-What do you mean? -You should.

It's called "pussy power", have you heard about it?

All the energy of a single woman is situated here.

Here it is. The back door to your aura.

Every woman has a personal connection with the universe.

It's an established fact. It's our nucleus of power.

An intergalactic portal.

The main thing is to break the code.

Open the passage, fluff it and stir it.

And give it a boost.

You can get any knowledge from there

that was accumulated by Russians, earthlings,

any alien race, it doesn't matter.

Why do you think Tereshkova didn't travel to space anymore?

Why?

Because she was smarter than Brezhnev when she came back. She knew everything.

That the USSR would collapse. That there would be this mess with the dollar.

That Versace would be killed.

Who are we, women, on this planet?

We are foundlings! Aliens!

Prominences of nature.

And men were just put together from sand.

When you sob into the void, you only infuriate mother inertia.

Stand on your head, spread your legs to the extreme.

And suck information from space.

You will know everything beforehand.

And don't just keep it inside, release it from another end.

Otherwise, it will tear you to shreds.

Have you ever seen how fish are jammed with dynamite?

It's just like that. But without the fish.

So, either a long "uh".

Or sing a song. Any song.

It's not possible to live your life over again…

I want…

to get out of prison.

To hit a child!

Can you imagine? A child!

I saw it myself! How is this possible?

In front of his mother!

-What's wrong with people nowadays? -I just tripped.

What child, are you kidding me?

I saw it myself! Who does such a thing?

She wasn't even there.

What do you mean, I wasn't there? Who was then?

-This is absurd! -Mom, don't yell!

This is the 21st century, cameras are everywhere. Check it on the computer.

-Yes, he should pay for the beating. -Why would I pay?

I don't know! He may have a hidden injury.

Are you insane?

-Sit down, please! -Howdy doody!

-What are you doing here? -Nothing.

Why aren't you in Khanty-Mansiysk?

For you, lady, I'm in Khanty-Mansiysk.

Give me the fries, we will make a reconstruction.

-Do something, why are you sitting there? -Quiet!

Monster.

Okay.

-Who are you? -I'm the victim.

What kind of victim is she? My plane has left.

Do you see what's happening? Now he's beating a woman.

A woman! A mother of three.

Children, come here.

-It was an accident. -I can't let you get away with that.

-It was an accident. -You all are witnesses.

-Of course it was an accident! -Money's not enough now…

Bad karma.

-Loser. -Leave me alone.

Don't touch other people's stuff and nobody will bother you. Got it?

-Nutcase. -Badger!

-Garden scarecrow! -Stooped whale.

-Fishwife. -And you are a Homo sapiens.

-You're full of it. -You are!

Honey, I got it. Kids, let's go. It's some bad energy.

Lacho, Manush, hurry. Zlata, do not eat that.

Hurry, children. Come on!

And what kind of a show was that?

Even those gypsies ran away from you.

-Do you know the detainee? -No.

Yes!

-Will you pay the fine for the girl? -I don't need his handouts.

Can I go now?

Mister, today's forecasts are terrible, the sun is super active, not good.

So buy a photo frame.

-It's a valuable thing. -How much?

How much?

-I actually got it for 3000 rubles. -How much is the fine?

1500.

1500. Here you go!

Here, 1000, 2000. Please, keep the change.

-Yeah, take the frame. -What?

You've paid for it, take it.

Here you are.

-With a smile. -Thanks.

Fine.

Your phone, your passport.

Maybe you can release the girl too? There are still 500 rubles left.

Seriously? She was arrested for anti-social behavior. She was smoking.

What did she smoke?

Not what, but with what body part.

Hey! What are you doing?

What are you doing? If you don't like it, give it back.

Actually, I bought it. Legally.

Okay, let's swap.

First buy, then swap. like in primitive societies.

Wait, I'm telling you. Oops!

Careful.

Here.

-What? -Nothing.

Stop staring. I'm actually getting married.

-Tomorrow. -Congratulations!

-Take the expander instead of the frame. -It's a wedding gift.

It's a wedding gift.

-Yes! -Have you landed?

-No, I'm still in Pulkovo. -Oh come on!

Don't even say anything!

Do you understand what you're missing?

When she entered the hall, everybody's chakras started ringing.

The grandmother next to me got married.

And she is about 160 years old, but she got a phone call.

She didn't even understand who it was and agreed.

She's magical. She's second only to Putin.

-When will you be here? -At 4 o'clock.

The main event starts at 8, so you will be here on time.

-Run like the wind. Hurry! -Yeah.

77, 78, 79.

-Miss, please, can I sit somewhere else? -There are no vacant seats.

My ex is sitting there, as a woman you must understand me.

Miss, please take your seat.

Ladies and gentlemen!

We are waiting for the luggage loading to finish,

and we will be ready for take-off within 10 minutes.

Can you change seats with me?

Let's change.

Let's change seats.

-What? -Is that you?

No, it's not me.

C'mon, I see it's you. Let me see.

Again?

The oil king is opening a restaurant network in Russia

together with a famous Italian chef…

Massimo Ferani.

Three finalists will compete for the vacancy of a brand chef.

Egor Glushenko, Viktor Kretnikov and Alexander Koshkin.

Hmm, Koshkin.

The finals will take place in Khanty-Mansiysk on July, 28.

It's today, right?

Gosh.

This is too much. What are you doing?

Sorry, Polosukhina won't believe me

if I tell her that I was sitting next to the guy from a magazine.

-Is there a free seat in the back? -Unfortunately, we have a full board.

-Check again! -We have a full board. I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll delete it.

-I'm deleting it. -Could you move? Please.

Here.

Damn. Mister Metropolitan!

Well, of course, he was in a magazine. A star!

I'm just a cook! Why are you calling me a star?

And you are making such a face now.

Listen, why are you bothering me all the time, huh?

I've solved all your troubles, I've changed seats with you.

And you didn't even say thank you, you didn't even say your name!

Marina Gamynina.

-Alexander. -What?

I wasn't asking you. Stop laughing.

Wait!

I have to sit between you two and make a wish. Let's change seats.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking,

our flight is delayed due to a technical malfunction.

All passengers will stay at the airport while we change the aircraft.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Listen, if you're so cool, tell me, is it true that you need to eat raw pasta?

-Al dente. -Are you specialized in pizza and pasta?

-God forbid. -Then what?

Modern Russian cuisine.

You can eat that at home.

You definitely won't eat such food at home.

Modern Russian cuisine is a unique phenomenon. Do you understand?

And if a restaurant operates as a chef's table then it is pure creativity.

You take the ingredients that lie on the table in front of you

and I don't know, make a revolution!

Well, a naked cook.

-Ah, so you are cooking in a strip club. -No!

Come on, don't be shy. One was just opened on Herzen Street.

What strip club? Are you kidding me? We cook without a menu, you know?

For example, nasturtiums are blooming now, so I take a nasturtium, freshly cut…

I bake an apple, mash it and serve it with this nasturtium

as, I don't know, as a sandwich.

-With nasturtium? -Yes! With nasturtium!

You rip off one bud, bite it and… wow!

So you eat a baked apple

as if it's with horseradish and goat cheese.

Modern Russian cuisine is when you look at the plate,

see the future, close your eyes

and find yourself at your grandmother's home.

I can do a sandwich.

You know, with cheese, ham and mayonnaise.

But mayonnaise should be light. That's a must.

Because, you know, when it's heavy, it makes your stomach ache.

I understand everything, pick up the phone, please.

LISA, DOES A VOICE MESSAGE COUNT AS A CALL?

Two hours? Three hours? Four hours, when?

The airplane is being replaced for technical reasons.

-So what? -Maybe even eight.

-What? -Don't worry.

We will give you a food coupon. Take a seat, please.

Do I have to eat ham and cheese sandwiches for 8 hours?

-Sir, don't panic, please. -I'm not going to wait.

Eight hours delay. I will be late.

I'll be too late to touch…

What do you want?

My mother is calling from Israel, she's having an operation there.

I will never get married.

This is the tribal curse of the Voronezh single mom.

Hello? Aren't you on the plane yet?

My aunt told me about it,

every 5th woman in the family stays without a man.

That's ridiculous.

Take your wish diary now and write:

I want to get on a plane right now, got it?

Yes.

Now go wash your face, I know how ugly you're looking.

I'll call you in an hour.

Bye! Sorry, the surgery was successful. The hair has taken roots.

I WANT TO GO TO PARIS WITH MY BELOVED

I need this.

I WANT TO HAVE THE LOAN PAID

And this.

I WANT A WEDDING WITH LYOSHA AT A RESTAURANT

And this most of all.

I want to get on a plane now!

-Drinking tap water? -I'll pray for the best.

Yes, everything is fine. The main thing is to alkalize.

I was at the hydrologist,

the water doesn't matter, the main thing is alkali.

Alkali, you yourself are alkali.

Okay, don't make me laugh or my fillers will scatter.

And how long is the flight to Khanty-Mansiysk?

I don't know, but for sure it won't take more than a day.

The main thing is that it won't be as with Vladivostok.

Do you remember Chewbacca? I was screaming "raw" for 12 hours!

I was coughing the fur out for the next two days.

Damn if my mother finds out that I cut her fur coat to make a suit,

it's better to say that I'm a prostitute. So at least she understands.

Girls, what are you flying to Khanty-Mansiysk with?

-On a private jet. -Shut up.

Lady, what are you doing there? Are you moisturizing? So go do it.

Shit! Stas wrote that he hanged himself.

What? Half an hour before the flight?

-What a wimp! -Not a man at all.

-Not a man. -I'm not going.

-I'm not going. -Let's just shut your little mouth.

If we don't find a man, no one will fly anywhere.

Girls, I think we can help each other.

What do you mean there are no seats? Look again!

-One minute. -What, are we living in Narnia?

Why one minute? I'm not flying through the wardrobe.

How many seats are on the plane? I don't know.

-Check flights through Moscow… -Follow me.

Wait! Stop right there!

-Are you insane? -Come here.

There is a private jet flying to Khanty-Mansiysk.

I've made arrangements, they are taking us on board.

-Whom did you make arrangements with? -With the girls from the bathroom.

-Come on, you will be Stas! -Stas who?

Their Stas hanged himself. And they need one who is alive.

One second, are you okay? Go drink some water.

Don't drink plain water. It has to be alkalized.

Alexander, what do you mean you can't depart?

Don't you understand what's at stake?

If you don't arrive on time, you will not participate.

Are you coming?

Here is Stas. Here you are.

Turn around.

-Me? -Turn around.

Not bad. He's got the look.

And who is that bimbo?

-Well… -She is with me.

She is super universal. Can be a goat, can be Samanta.

She is okay. We'll take her.

Wow!

Who is the cameraman today?

-Me. -Great.

-I've just loaded a new app. -Super.

I've got the new app too.

Unbelievable!

Perfect.

Okay…

I need to take one for myself…

and for Polosukhina.

Alexander Koshkin.

Polosukhina, greetings from the sky queen.

Can you believe it, I wished a private jet!

Khanty-Mansiysk, welcome, Miss Gamynina.

-Here, put this on! -What is it?

A parachute. If we go down, you will glide over the Urals.

THE BEST OF BRAD PITT SEVEN

There is blood.

You've lived an honorable life, detective.

-You can be proud. -Shut up.

What's in the box?

You don't want to know what's in the box.

What's in the box? I'm asking you!

What's in the box?

-Drop the gun. -No.

What's in the box?

What is in the box?

Lift the light higher.

What is in the box?

No, no!

No! Ah, no!

What is in the box? I'm asking!

What is in there? What is in that box?

No. No.

What is in this damn box?

Wait. Stop. No!

What is in the box? I'm asking!

What is in the box? Answer me!

What is it? What's in the box?

Shh, turn it off.

Turn off your phone.

I can't. It's Lyosha calling. This is the 100th call!

What are you doing?

Polosukhina said that I should answer the 100th call.

Turn off that damn phone!

Hello. I need you. Can you hear me, let's talk.

Are you nuts? Turn off your phone!

Hello. Lyosha!

-That's it, I don't have any inspiration. -Hello.

Wait. You are doing everything right.

The scene opening was bad anyway. Not because of you!

It's just Vita's phone was vibrating. It was.

Hello, Lyosha.

My inspiration is gone. You know how hard it is to get some inspiration.

-Easy. -What is in the box?!

Hello, Lyosha.

-You are a stupid sheep! -She is just a fool.

Go away!

-Can you hear me? -Wait, fool.

You, you are a stupid sheep.

You've ruined everything! My whole mental preparation.

Maybe I don't need to fly anywhere. Let me go!

Why did you do this?

Perverts! Damn!

-Couldn't you wait a couple of hours? -I couldn't.

It was important. Country girls.

I've lost everything.

C'mon! You didn't lose everything. We will pick everything up.

What are you picking up here? Are you really that stupid?

It was my only chance in life.

I needed that contest!

Relax, maybe you still can make it! Don't hit me.

Where is my passport?

Did you take my passport? Where is it?

You!

-You! -Quiet. Quiet.

The moment I met you everything started falling apart!

Only catastrophes, bad karma, damn karma.

Why "damn"?

We only had a chance to fly

because I write everything down in my notebook.

Do you know who that man was?

-What man? -The one you ripped out of the magazine?

I dreamed about working with him for my entire life!

It was all I dreamed of.

Do you know how important this call was?

It was one of the most important calls of my life!

You know what?

You know what!

Damn!

The screen is broken.

Dear passengers, flight number GF1310 to Khanty-Mansiysk

is delayed. We apologize for the inconvenience.

MESSAGE FROM AUNT LYUDA

Look at him!

This is Marina's Lyosha! They are kissing.

With their tongues!

Give me some fries or I'll die.

-It's not a pawnshop here. -In a pawnshop it would be worth more.

Please!

I can see you're a sunny person.

-Where are you flying to? -To the States!

Mysterious traveler?

But you have a domestic passport. So you fly inside Russia.

-Inside Russia. -Do you love Russia, patriotic girl?

Sir, excuse me. Just a moment, Miss.

Why did you sit down next to her?

-What do you mean? -What I said!

Am I worse?

I was sitting closer. And you passed me by and went to her.

Why did you do this U-turn?

I don't like these fries at all.

I don't understand why everybody is eating them. Like crazy! Damn.

I would like to have a baked apple with sour cream.

-And put some nasturtium in it. -What?

Nasturtium. It's a flower.

Country boy.

In short, I'd prefer that to your fries.

No. It sucks either way.

My Lyosha is so kind.

-I should have stayed. -Your Lyosha is an asshole!

Why is my Lyosha an asshole?

He is such an asshole!

Asshole!

What are you doing?

There is an excellent trick.

Look! Did he hurt you?

-Yes, he did. -So you need to hurt him back.

But how?

Good sex is an answer to anything. If you know what I mean.

Do you think I can't do it?

-Do you think… -I don't think anything.

So don't. Your function now is to be a body.

-Hello. -Where are you?

This is it. This is the end.

Do you understand? This and that, and a backpack!

-With the passport in it. -Congratulations.

This is one of three options.

It's either a curse or complete bullshit.

This is bad karma knocking on your life's door. Congratulations.

Open the door and let it in. No, wait, don't let it in!

It has your keys anyway.

This was all because of you.

Because of your stupid marathon.

Why is it stupid?

Because if it wasn't for you, I would have been home right now.

I have a wedding tomorrow by the way.

I know, you are in shock right now.

-And as your friend I must… -What friend?

I did your nails for free five years ago.

And now we are friends?

Now you offend me.

And when the dorm was on fire, who raced back inside?

Who rescued your makeup bag?

And who was sitting there with her face covered in tears and snot?

Wait, it was you who caused the fire with you magical lamp!

That's a case to be investigated. And now, my friend, listen…

No, I will give you some advice now. You know what, Polosukhina?

Take care of your own life first!

You're close to your menopause.

And you're still blaming everything on lunar activity.

And you are taking me down with you.

-Do you know who you are? -Who?

You are a cow.

A cow from the countryside.

Marina.

I've heard you.

Don't ever call me again!

Do you clean your liver?

-What? -Okay, never mind.

-Is this your detox? -Detox, gallbladder cleansing.

Enematronix.

This is such an old stuff. Turning oneself inside-out.

Totally inside-out.

What is the liver? It is a strainer.

It's the passport control of our anger.

Everything that you have lived through without a smile,

all these leftovers are right here.

This is a catalogue of our horrors.

-Do you know who I am? -Who?

Karmologist.

An exclusive one.

The only specialist in the whole East European Plain.

I don't do free counselling normally. But this situation is critical.

Look, everything you are going through right now

is the law of cause and effect.

So, listen.

You want to marry a man who kisses Sonya in the alley?

-The effect is: you are suffering. -Are you from outer space?

You were talking on the phone for half an hour.

Don't interrupt me. There's a man, there's Sonya, and you are suffering.

You should open up to the Universe. And live out the principle called

"Thanks to everything that has happened", "Yes to everything that is coming".

The effect is you become happy. Just like I am.

You reap what you sow. You'll come where you are going.

And where am I going?

It doesn't matter where you are going. What's important is how. Karma!

If you want to live well, do good to yourself and to others.

It was fast today. It must be the new sensors.

Okay, go! I'm tired of you!

And don't forget about space!

And meditate! And keep to the left!

Here you are.

It's impossible live your life over again

And time cannot be stopped even for one moment

Even if the night is dark

And my home is lonely

Miss! Are you alright?

Miss, are you alright? Do you need a doctor?

Do you feel alright? Shall I call a doctor?

I couldn't find you. Our flight is delayed again.

We need to help the young lady, she's not well.

In Russia it's normal…

The man from the magazine.

-Normal? -Yes, she's fine. Let's go.

Wait! Massimo!

Massimo, stop!

Massimo, is it you? This is you! Is it him?

-Miss, this is not him. -Yes, this is him.

Ah. No way!

Give it to me.

-A selfie. -No selfies!

Together. Come on, are you shy?

Great!

I know everything about you. You are the very last chance.

Wait. Translate.

This is my friend. His name is Alexander.

He participates in your contest.

And he does… how is it called? Russian cuisine. Exclusive!

I don't speak Russian.

Nasturtium! Translate it - nasturtium!

Don't listen to her. She's just trying to sell her cosmetics.

Yes.

Passport fly,

and flights kaput!

What does she say?

You and he need to meet.

-And cook here, at the airport. -I don't understand.

-Here, at the airport! -I don't speak Russian.

-Cook here, one on one! Wait! Okay… -Miss…

Stay here, okay?

Stay here and I will bring him to you, okay? Just be here!

Please, let's go.

I WANT AUNT LYUDA TO GO BACK TO SARATOV AFTER THE WEDDING. IMMEDIATELY.

I want to find Alexander.

Oops.

-Don't even come closer! -I'm so glad you are here.

Listen, wait. I have planned everything, look!

Do you see my notebook? Everything I write here is coming true.

See, I wrote that I wanted to find you. Don't look here…

But I found you right away.

Let's write down your wish.

-Where are you going? -Home.

Wait, what home? You need to go with me.

-I don't need anything. -Does your hand hurt?

I haven't shown the most important thing yet!

Look, you didn't leave and this dude didn't either.

The cook from the magazine. He is here right now, at the airport.

I've met him and told him that you are still here too.

Let's go and take a risk, it won't make anything worse.

It will!

If you take one more step, I will kill you and go to prison.

See, you're joking already. Do you feel better?

Well…

Okay, what do you have there? A notebook?

Open it. And write down.

I never ever want to see you again.

Why don't you write it down?

I know, you just don't want to see me.

I would feel the same.

But do you want to lose everything now because of some stupid girl?

Is staying offended more important to you? Resentment is pulling us back.

Dreams are pushing us forward. Like wings.

Do you have a dream?

It's the most important thing in life. Most people don't even have a dream.

And you know what you want.

I saw how you were picking up the caviar

from the airstrip one particle after another.

Till the wind blew it all away. Are you ready to say goodbye to it all?

To your dream that is two steps away from you, sitting in the business lounge?

For what reason? Just because you are angry with me?

Don't turn your dreams into resentment.

-This is wrong. -Sorry.

You see, life is like your nasturtium.

You take what you have and make a revolution.

-Chef's table. -Yes.

You can't see it clearly because you broke the phone.

Fine.

-But if he is not sitting there right now… -Deal!

Oh, I'm sorry!

-Hello. -Where do you think you are going?

Your passport and boarding pass, please.

We just need to go there for a moment. Two seconds please!

-2500 rubles per person. -I have it, just a moment.

Here he is! Massimo!

We are here! Here he is!

I've told you about this man.

-What contest? -Miss.

Al dente!

Maybe I can go there for a minute if I pay 1000 rubles? Please!

Listen, could you call that man for me, the Italian, please?

No, this is against the rules.

But we have an appointment. We agreed to meet here.

-I need to talk to him. -Call him here then.

-I can leave my watch here. -What are you talking about?

No, no, no.

-Do you know who I am? -Who?

-Who? -I am Alsu.

Do you see that man?

He went into the back office three times already.

And came out.

-Do you want me to take his uniform? -No.

Mister, I'm sorry.

Is there any possibility for us to sneak into the business lounge?

-I don't know, any possibility? -My dear, you are in Pulkovo.

-So? -There are 1426 cameras here.

You cannot even pee here without them knowing about it.

So what?

-We have money. -Yes, we have money.

That changes everything!

-Are we going? -Not going, driving!

-He is kind of suspicious. -Nope.

He is fine.

Dyiachkov!

-Larissa Vasilievna. -What do you have there?

-Passengers. -Yes.

-Passengers. -V.I.P.

-They have paid for it. -Dyiachkov!

You have never known how to lie. Even when we were together.

Don't you believe me? Look.

Let me smell your breath.

-Larissa. -Drunk.

Alcoholic. More.

I want to hear.

-Come here! -Larissa!

-Where are you going? -I need a pen.

-There is no pen there. -There is one in my notebook.

-Why do you need it? -To make a note.

Let's do it later.

I need to write it down now, to make sure.

I WANT TO GET INTO THE VIP LOUNGE

-My knee… -It's so uncomfortable.

I don't even want to think what I have over there.

My whole body is numb. I can't feel anything.

Quiet, what is out there?

Damn, we came to the wrong place.

What do you mean, the wrong place?

-The wrong place. -Damn it!

Okay, get out, but be very quiet.

Let me hold it.

I'm not looking.

-Sorry. -Here. Quiet.

What kind of spy game is this?

What do you mean? This is a restricted area.

We don't have any money or documents. Nothing.

I have my documents.

Oops.

-Run! -What are you doing here? Stands still!

Stop!

Wait! Where are you going?

-I've forgotten my jacket. -What jacket? Move!

Come on!

The door! Over there!

Come here!

Oh, my God. What's going on?

Wait, get in there.

We have intruders. Open faster!

-Open the door! -Get up.

It hurts, wait.

-Open the door, or you'll have problems. -Get up.

-Oh, gosh. You are so heavy. -Don't pull.

Hurry up. You are not allowed to be here. Open up.

-Come on. -Wait.

Get into the vent.

What do you mean? I'm wearing a skirt.

You take the first hall, I'll take the second.

-Come here! -Go!

-Let me. -Check over there, there's no exit.

Good job, Marina. Great trip to Khanty-Mansiysk.

You've solved all your problems.

-Why are you so quiet there? -Enjoying the view.

Don't look.

-Gosh, this is absurd. -Quiet.

Wait, I can't.

The police station.

You know, I have a question for you. It is personal.

What is it?

If you go to the right you will reach your destination.

If you go to the left… don't cheat on your husband.

Do you get it?

Okay, we will go to the right then.

-Why? -I feel like it.

Sorry.

There are people here. Let's go to the left.

-What is there? -I think I recognize these shoes.

What shoes?

-It's him. -Who?

Your only chance.

Mr. Massimo!

Damn it! Let's go there.

-There he is! -Mr. Massimo.

We are here.

-Massimo, this is us. -Massimo.

This is us. We are here.

This is my friend. You remember, I've told you.

Koshkin. The one from the contest.

What are you doing in the ventilation ducts?

Just a second. Wait.

Here, look!

Look!

Look here!

It's today's. This is me. I'll go join the contest.

Mr. Ferani! I understand this is all very strange to you.

-Did you ask for a job for me… -I don't know you.

It's my passion! I want to work for you.

Please, please!

Okay, you crazy Russians. Fine!

I'm shocked.

I don't understand how you've talked me into giving you these knives.

I'm very grateful to you, thank you.

This is the most valuable thing I have. I even take them to bed with me.

Oh Jesus!

Tell me, is it all you have… all the food?

There's some more in the main kitchen, but this is basically it.

-I will be over there. -Gosh, what am I doing here?

This is career suicide.

I will fail and become an outcast.

I will no longer be welcome in any kitchen in the world.

I'll be making hamburgers in a fast-food restaurant.

Stop it. Everything's gonna be alright.

He creates a new team every five years.

I will prepare myself well in these five years and come back…

and I will easily get this job.

-Stand still! -Well, guys.

What's going on? We are waiting for you!

Sir! You have 20 minutes.

Miss!

We have two flights combined in one,

and there is one seat to Khanty-Mansiysk.

You needed it so badly. Are you going?

-What? Right now? -Yes, right now.

I need you.

Miss, please. This man is going to finish his thing and we will go, okay?

-Can you wait? -Are you coming or not?

Well. What should I do?

Okay.

Take fennel and thyme.

What?

Here is thyme. Everything green! Go!

This?

No. Not this. Let me do it.

Maybe I can do it? Let me.

Yes. Now salt. Don't you know what it looks like?

Salt. I know salt.

-Zest. -Yes, zest.

-You know what zest is? -I do!

So, take zest.

Tenderly! Or it won't be nice. Come on.

What are you doing? You'll turn it into porridge.

This is awful.

Sorry.

-What's going on? Tell me. -Yeah, yeah…

Whatever. Put it in a vacuum. Now!

Vacuum?

Otherwise it has to marinate for an hour. This way it takes only ten minutes.

This way it can be marinated in 20 minutes, otherwise it takes a day.

He knows a lot. Good!

Good job.

Well, what's next?

-Now what are they doing? Tell me. -Let's see…

Guys, we need pike caviar.

He wants some caviar, preferably from pike.

-We don't have any. -Why? It's cheap.

We have never had it.

Damn, what will I replace it with? It was perfect with salmon.

Wait, get an egg, an apple. And a cucumber.

What are you talking about? Instead of caviar?

No. Definitely not.

It will lose all its texture. Totally.

He wants to change the structure of the dish.

-I don't like cucumbers. -And I do.

It's fine. They're in love.

Ravioli, with watermelon radish

with pickled salmon

and smoked sour-cream.

Cream mousse with horse radish.

Some green oil.

And some buckwheat popcorn on top.

And cucumber caviar.

An interesting dish.

Take him to my wife, so she learns how to cook!

Kid, you've got a lot of talent. You don't need a contest.

Come to Italy with me. You're already a star.

There's a job offer ready for you.

You know what? Whatever. We don't need it. Stupid bald gourmet.

We don't need his opinion.

What these Italians understand in Russian cuisine?

You are the best cook!

-Very tasty. And they… -He liked it.

He is taking me.

Yes! This is all because of my knives!

Thank you.

Why are we going to Khanty-Mansiysk?

Technically, we need to respect all the agreements.

No, buy tickets to Milan for Alessandro for next week.

Do you have any preferences about the hotel?

I don't have any.

Good!

Thank God, I was so worried.

He has had so many offers during last years…

I haven't seen anybody with the same potential.

-You are going to be a great star. -Thank you.

This is all like a dream.

-A good dream. -I don't want to wake up.

Sorry!

I forgot my notebook! Sasha!

I forgot my notebook, wait.

Sasha!

-Hi! -Hello!

Sorry. I see why you are like that.

This is all because of mom. But we really need to talk.

I wanted to talk two months ago but you know, I was so busy.

I kept putting it off. And then my mom… So…

I just wanted…

-Lyosha. -What?

It's okay.

I understand everything. It happens.

-But… -Good luck.

Goodbye. I…

Pick up the phone.

-What? -Hello, Polosukhina?

Lisa, I'm sorry. I've talked such bullshit to you.

I don't know, I was drunk. I really don't think so.

I'm so sorry.

Why are you crying?

No, it's not because of you.

Everybody here is crying.

We have a workshop here. We're getting rid of the inner child.

Lisa, I love you.

-Do you know who you are? -Who?

You are my best friend.

And you will always be.

I knew it. I made a wish about it.

And I made a separate wish for you.

I didn't know what you wanted now. So I wished a tablet for you.

Don't thank me.

-And for you? -A nail salon, of course.

For the two of us.

How are your bangs? Are they still okay?

They are.

-You used super glue, after all. -Because I love you.

We are looking for Marina Gamynina.

I repeat. We are looking for Marina Gamynina.

Please come to the information desk.

Attention please. I repeat. We are looking for Marina Gamynina.

Please come to the information deck…

Desk. You are not saying it right.

-Because you're distracting me. -Let me say it myself.

Don't touch anything.

Attention please. I'm looking for the girl

who makes sandwiches with light mayonnaise

because the full fat type upsets her stomach.

I'll get fired…

-Is that her? -Closer. Yes, it is her.

Miss! Raise your chin and turn little bit to the left.

Stay there and don't move.

Don't take one step.

-Are you okay? -Yes.

-Mom, please. -Sveta, wait.

-Mom, please. -Wait, please.

-Look here! -What?

Look at this notebook. It's so nice and it has a pen.

May I keep it? Please.

What is our purpose?

Where do dreams come from?

How can you know what is yours? Really yours?

And how do you know if you're following somebody else's opinions and ideas?

Who am I? How will I find my happiness?

I cannot answer all these questions.

Yet. But that's not a bad thing.

Everything in this world is bound together by a thin and delicate web of life.

We cannot understand and explain everything.

Sometimes we need to fight for our dream.

Sometimes we need to trust and fall into the arms of fate.

Sometimes life events that look like a complete failure to us

lead us to a total victory.

Sometimes it is the other way around.

We can talk all we want about chance, coincidence, good and bad luck,

karma, fate, marathon of wishes, magic,

but I know for sure now…

I know for sure now

that things only come true if you're really prepared to pursue them.

So the main magician in your life

is you.