All language subtitles for Will & Grace 10x11 - The Scales of Justice

"Will & Grace" was recorded in front

of a live studio audience.

Ugh, I can't believe how full I am.

This food baby's daddy better
make an honest woman out of me.

I've never felt so bloated in my life.

A little less bloated now than you
were when you got on the elevator.

That wasn't me. That was Karen's dog.

How dare you.

Shu Shu Fontana is a woman of quality.

She only lets it rip
in the staff quarters.

Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.addic7ed.com

Why is there a paused video

of a man playing a ukulele on here?

Is it possible your taste
in porn has gotten even sadder?

It's a YouTube tutorial.

I'm starting a new semester tomorrow.

I wanna spice it up a little,
connect with the kids.

By playing ukulele?

Aren't you worried they might
think you're a little too cool?

I'm doing it ironically,

but also kind of unironically.

It's post-ironic, you know what I mean?

Do you know what you mean?

He's freaking out because he got a couple

of negative comments
on his faculty profile.

I'm not freaking out,

and we are not gonna read them aloud.

"Always prepared and responsible,

but lacked spontaneity."

Huh.

That sounds exactly like
your Grindr profile.

Better than "STD-free for 14 days."

I wish.

Low marks for fun and accessibility.

That's not me.

That's just because
legal ethics is so dry.

Ooh, you know what you
should do to spice things up?

Make it like Judge Judy.

I should make my law class

at Columbia Law School like Judge Judy?

I'm not gonna stoop to some
lame classroom stunt

just so my students will like me more.

Like playing a sad, tiny guitar?

How about you don't
tell me how to do my job,

and I won't tell you
how to watch videos all day

with your mouth open.

Uh, I have a part-time job...

which I forgot to go to today.

Oh, well...

I'm gonna put this cannoli
in the refrigerator

- unless you want it.
- Oh, I'm stuffed.

- You go ahead.
- Oh, God.

I couldn't eat another bite. Please.

Oh, well, if you insist.

What was that?

Somebody's pants just ripped.

- I'm scared to look.
- Me too.

We could check each other's.

It was you.

It was also you.

- And you ripped your underwear.
- I'm not wearing underwear.

Oh, God!

And that is just a taste
of some of the fun

we're gonna have in class
this semester...

spontaneous fun.

I didn't even know
this ukulele was here...

All right, look...

I know the ins and outs of Advanced Torts

can be a bit of a snooze,
but I've got two words.

I'm gonna wake you guys up.

"Mock Trial."

Huh?

I got... I got three more words for you.

We're gonna do that mock trial

Judge Judy-style.

Right?

Right?

Hey, hey, your assignment for
next week is to come up with

a compelling tort that we can
really sink our teeth into...

a savory tort, if you will.

Get out of here, you nuts.

- Sorry, I'm leaving.
- Oh, no rush.

Good first day, huh?

What'd you think of the ukulele,

or as they pronounce it in Hawaii,

"ooh-ku-le-le."

You know me, by the way.

I sort of recognize you. Help me out.

Picture me this tall
standing next to a drunk woman

who's having two maids
arm wrestle for their dinner.

You're Karen's stepdaughter!

Oh, my God, Olivia.
Wow, it's nice to see you.

Nice to see you too...

But Karen's not in my life anymore.

Said with love... she's dead to me.

I'm cool with it... I mean,

as cool as I can be about
something that's not cool.

Okay, okay, well,
we don't have to talk about it.

Let's just have a good semester together.

Yeah, sure.

So, how is she?

I mean, does she still sleep in a casket

and live off the blood of villagers?

It really wouldn't be appropriate

for me to answer that question, but yes.

I shouldn't have said that.

It's misogynistic
to refer to women as monsters

or associated with the occult.

I should've just called her a bitch.

I'll tell her you said hi.

Okay.

Are we sure we wanna do this?

Have my naked body critiqued
by a bitchy gay guy?

It's like every date
I ever went on in college.

I can handle it.

Fair enough, though I should warn you...

I always have a gentleman's
boner in case of emergencies.

Good to know. Open wide.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

You have less body hair than I do.

Forget it. I'm not doing this.

- Jack...
- Me shy.

Jack, you're getting married
in a couple of months.

You're gonna be in a room full of gay men

who are only there to gossip
about how bad you look.

Ugh, why did I invite my closest friends?

And you need to be skinny because...?

I'm a woman who's alive.

Hey. Grace here?

And who may I say is calling?

Just tell her I got all the
diet books that she wanted,

except for "Bleed the Weight Out,"

which was pulled for being
medically unsafe.

That's not a real martini, is it?

She's a dog, Will.

It's a gimlet.

What kind of mother do you think I am?

Based on that, a delusional one.

Okay.

You know, I wasn't gonna bring it up,

but I had my first torts class today,

and Olivia was there.

- Olivia?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me
she was at Columbia?

Because I didn't know.

We're not speaking.

She refuses to give me back
my black heart.

Pretty sure you've still got that.

I am talking about

my heart-shaped black diamond necklace.

After the divorce, I realized
that she still had it,

and now she won't give it back.

So, what do you wear on Casual Fridays?

My grandmother gave
that necklace to my mother.

My mother gave it to me, and one day,

I am going to give it to Shu Shu.

You're my only daughter,
and I couldn't be happier.

Answer your mother
when she speaks to you.

Uh...

sorry if I struck a nerve.

Just tell Grace that
I dropped the books off.

And you are?

- Hey, lady.
- Hi.

Mind if I join you?

I'm having my mid-morning snack.

Ooh, whatcha having?

It is a carrot dipped in soda water.

- I call it carrot fizz.
- Oh.

It's really satisfying

if you eat a roll of toilet paper first.

You know, this whole dieting thing

- isn't as hard as I thought.
- I know, right?

So, what did you have for breakfast?

Um, I swallowed my gum
and watched "Chef's Table."

It was great, and I'm totally satisfied.

I don't miss eating either.

For breakfast, I had half a grapefruit

and a few of those leaves

left at the bottom
of a bag of grapefruit.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are those?

Oh, I could put a couple
of croutons in my salad.

Um, no, you can't.

Those croutons are going
right to your "bouton."

You're right. Why sabotage myself?

I am throwing them away.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, I think you spilled a
little bit of your carrot fizz.

Grace, no! No!

Please! Please! It wants to eat!

We're never gonna change if we cheat.

No! Jack, no!

I ju... I'd give anything
for a piece of stale bread!

I don't get to cheat,
you don't get to cheat.

Fine...

Hey, how about this?

We each take a lick.

Just to get the taste,
the soul of the crouton.

Yes! And then we throw it away.

And there's no calories gained.

But all the joy and satisfaction.

- I like it!
- Okay, good.

- Okay, ready?
- Ready.

- Lick on three.
- Okay.

One, two, three.

Oh.

- That was really satisfying.
- Oh, yeah.

Although, I don't think
I got the right mix

of herb and cheese.

Should we maybe do another one?

We have to. Okay.

- On three.
- Yeah.

One, two, three.

We're missing a clink.

There it is.

- You ate one.
- Not yet.

Release it! Drop it, drop it!

Drop it!

What is the matter with you?

It was one crouton!

I thought you were
stronger than that, Grace.

Have a little self-restraint!

Now look what you made me do.

Why am I so weak, and more importantly,

why didn't we play that game
with egg rolls?

Jack! Jack!

No, no!

I'm weak too, Grace.

I'm weak, fat, and lazy!

I'm America!

Thank you, bailiff.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to my courtroom.

And remember,

don't give me beef jerky
and expect me to blow bubbles.

Guys, it's okay
to laugh at the Judy-isms.

Sorry, Heschel.

I should've said "Judge Judy-isms."

Okay, okay, okay, so, I wanna be home

eating my soup, in my slippers by 3:30.

Let's hear what cases
you've come up with.

Come on, you guys.

This isn't gonna be fun

unless we come up with
something really juicy.

Oh, I've got a case
that's got the word "juicy"

written all over it, in capital letters

like the ass on
an easy girl's sweatpants.

Are you seriously here right now?

You stole my necklace.

I didn't steal anything.
You gave me that necklace.

I lent you that necklace.

You gave it to me,
but you were probably too busy

yelling at maids and giving up
on your marriage to remember.

I was never too busy

to yell at a maid.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we've found our case.

Wow, just one week of starving ourselves

and taking the stairs,
and I feel like a whole new...

man.

I'm getting used to the lightheadedness.

It's kind of like being stoned,

but with none of the laughing,
or snacking, or joy.

It'll all be worth it at the weigh-in.

Remember, if we each
lost at least two pounds,

we get to stand outside of McDonald's

and take three deep breaths.

This has been a tough week,
but we got through it.

- Yeah.
- I'm really proud of us, Jack.

I'm proud of us too.

Hi, we're raising money
for our school choir.

Would you like to buy a candy bar?

Would you like to never
see your families again?

You may have ruined your mother's body,

but you're not gonna ruin mine.

- We're doing great.
- I'm not even hungry.

Court is in session.

Today's case... Walker v. Walker.

The plaintiff claims defendant
stole a diamond necklace.

Defendant, how do you respond?

I didn't steal it. She gave it to me.

I remember because when
I told Rosario, she said,

"That doesn't sound like your
drunken witch of a stepmother."

Exactly, she knew it was
out of character for me.

Judge, I'd like to call
Rosario to the stand.

Rosario's dead.

Oh, that one's always got an excuse.

I would like to bring
to the court's attention that

she doesn't even know who's dead or not.

I let you borrow that necklace

because I was being nice
like I always was.

- Objection.
- Sustained.

Oh.

Based on what?

I know you.

I was nice!

What about the time
you grounded me for drinking?

- A lot of parents do that.
- For not drinking enough?

What kind of sixth grader
can't finish a shot?

I mean, Jagermeister?
It's practically like candy.

I give it out for Halloween.

You're both mixing up

your personal issues with the legal one.

Now, defendant, it sounds
like there was an expectation

that the necklace would be returned.

Don't get your foot
caught in the escalator

and expect me to take the stairs.

Good one, sir.

I'm not giving it back.

Do you see how spiteful she is?

Rotten kid.

She probably doesn't even
know where it is anymore.

- I know where it is.
- No, you don't.

- I do, too.
- Then where is it?

None of your business.

Defendant, answer the question.

Where's the necklace?

I'm wearing it.

Well, I must be
flying a kite in the rain,

'cause this just got electric.

She stole my necklace.

I demand biblical justice.

Cut off her hair.

She's trying to take back
something she already gave me,

which used to be called Indian giving,

but has yet to be given a new
culturally-acceptable name.

The property law in question
here is pretty black and white.

I've had this necklace since high school.

She could've asked for it back anytime.

She's doing it now for spite.

That might be true, but again,

it's not a legal argument.

I'm sorry, Olivia,

but I'm gonna have to
find in favor of Karen.

It's been in her family for generations,

and it was a gift from her mother.

And I thought it was
a gift from my mother.

- What did you just say?
- Nothing.

- Did you just call me...
- Just forget it, okay?

Fine. It's forgotten.

So, is class over, or...

No, it is not over. Screw this.

Look, look, yes,
the law is black and white,

but emotions are not.

People are complicated.

Now, we pretend to be
motivated by one thing,

when really, it's something
much more personal... like me.

I mean, this whole Judge Judy thing...

I only did it because

my feelings got hurt
by a few negative reviews.

Bet none you knew that.

I'm pretty sure everybody knew that.

The point is, James, sometimes,

if you get to the bottom
of an emotional conflict,

the legal dispute takes care of itself.

Olivia, I've known you
since you were a child,

and Karen, you're my friend for 20 years.

This isn't about a necklace.
Talk to each other.

- I don't wanna!
- She started it.

Come on.

I can see you wanna be
in each other's lives.

Now, there's a source
for this hurt between you.

What is it?

She never called me after she
found out about the divorce.

She cut me out of her life completely,

blamed me for everything.

That's not true.

I know you and my dad were both at fault.

And maybe I should've
been the bigger person,

but isn't that the parent's job?

Why didn't you call me?

I... dropped my phone in the toilet.

Battery got wet. It was a whole thing.

Karen.

I was scared, okay?

And what do you wanna say
to each other now?

Do you really think of me as your mother?

Our real mom died when I was so young,

and our house was the
saddest place in the world.

And then you came,
and you were so glamorous

and full of life,

and... vodka.

It was like that part was finally over.

Honey, I never knew you felt that way.

I always wanted to be with you.

- I wanted to be you.
- Aww.

Listen, I wanna give you something.

It's a little bit of a
tradition in our family...

between mothers and daughters.

I bet it's the necklace.

Now, I'm gonna tell you the same thing

my mother told me when she gave it to me.

Shove it up your butt
till we get through customs.

Moment of truth.

Yep...

Should we try to pee again real quick?

Nothing came out the last
three times we tried, okay?

It's tapped. It's just foam and air.

- Now, get up there.
- Okay, fine, fine, fine.

But I am subtracting
six pounds for clothes,

shoes, and my weenus.

All right, then I'm subtracting

seven pounds for my bra and my feelings.

Get up there.

Get up there!

You've lost 180 pounds.

- I've been good all week, so...
- Back.

I can't do it, Grace.

Why do I always have to be the man?

Because of your hands.

Do you know how much time I have spent

negotiating with God
in front of this thing?

I hate you.

You have ruined so many womens' lives.

Gay men too, you son of a bitch!

Why do we do this to ourselves?

I mean, we're both healthy-ish.

We both have guys who think we're hot-ish

the way we are.

Why can't we just
give ourselves permission

to be happy-ish?

Yes.

Yeah, we're... we're not that bad.

I mean, we may not be
Fashion Week skinny,

but we're definitely Disneyland skinny.

I think we could just go
a little easier on ourselves.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

No one our age can eat like they used to.

Hey.

Those adorable twins
from the fourth floor

were selling candy bars in the lobby.

I lost three pounds.

I...

No matter what I do, I can't gain weight.

Maybe I should eat this, you know,

in case I need smaller jeans...

What's going on? What...

why do you have a gentleman's boner?