All language subtitles for The Kids Are Alright s01e06 Counter.eng

Adult Timmy: During the day,
my parents were fine

with us kids wandering
the streets like feral cats.

It was the '70s,
and there were a lot of us.

But at night,
they couldn't sleep

until all of us
were home,

in absolutely no danger of
being out having any fun.

♪♪

[ Objects clatter ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Objects clatter ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

Eddie.
You, me, Confession.

Let's go.
[ Grunts ] I'm good.

No.
You're not.

I'll go to Confession
with you.

Have you done
anything wrong?

No.

Then how about we don't waste
Father Dunne's time.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Timmy: Mercy!
Ow, ow.

[ Glass shatters ]

See, that rough-housing
and your father's income

is why we can't have
nice things.

Oh, Mrs. Strausser.

Uh, listen, I gave Mike
your petition

about the new Persians
in the neighborhood,

but I don't know
if he's looked at it yet.

Well,
I'm not here about that.

But I'm going to Bakersfield
for a week,

and I wondered if the boys
could do a little yard work.

Working for Mrs. Strausser
was sweet.

Strausser's here.
Ka-ching!

Joey took his cut
and then subcontracted

the actual work to me
and William --

everyone getting
their beaks wet.

Hello, Mrs. Strausser.
Always such a pleasure.

Hello, Eddie.
Peggy: Joey.

Joey.
[ Whispers ] Sorry. Oh, gosh, don't be.

Hardly matters
which one they are.

Mrs. Strausser's going away
for a week --

I know the drill.
A little yard work --

raking, watering,

pull the occasional
dead squirrel from the birdbath.

And no more bringing them home
to make into puppets.

I thought that was gonna be
a better idea than it was.

Now, was that $5 or $6
last time?

I believe
you insisted on $10.

That won't be necessary,
ma'am.

Where'd you come from?
Always lurking.

I'd be happy to do it
for free. What the --

I think neighbors
should be neighborly,

and a good deed
is its own reward.

He spreads it on
a little thick,

but he's saving you
10 bucks.

That's very kind of you,
Frank.

Thank you, ma'am.

Oh,
and was that petition

Persian people
or Persian cats?

It might make a difference
to Mike.

Hey, d-bag,

thanks for screwing me over
on the Strausser job.

I'm being
a decent human being.

You should try it
sometime.

Uh, pass-adena.

What's really
going on here?

I don't see the upside
of doing free yard work

for some dumb, old lady.

Eileen Strausser has
a degree

in Library Science from
Cal State Fullerton.

We should all be so dumb.

It's very upsetting
you know all that.

She makes a nice sun tea.

We talk.

You notice how I ease down
when I stop?

It's less wear
on the brake shoes --

instead of stomping on them
like an ape

the way you kids do.

I see.
I'll definitely try to --

I was your age once, too,
you know.

Also interested
in the company of girls.

It's a normal,
built-in thing.

Hmm.
But 3:00 a.m.?

Dad, Wendi and I haven't --
I don't want to know.

That nonsense is between

you and Father Dunne
in the confessional.

It's the value I get
for my donation plate dollar.

Talk it through
with a priest --

like you would
any other sin.

Just like you'd have
to confess it if, say,

you stole or you murdered
or you, I don't know,

walked into Parson's Pharmacy
today,

bought
a pack of condoms.

All those things --
stealing, murder, rubbers --

all mortal sins,

equally condemned by me
and by God.

They keep them
behind the counter,

so you have
to ask the guy.

But it's wrong.

Can't emphasize that
enough.

Wrong and behind
the counter.

[ Sighs ]

Bottom line --
you get in the confessional

and you spill your guts.

Clean slate.

That's why Jesus died --

so the Catholics
get do-overs.

[ Church bell tolling ]
How about that?

Parson's Pharmacy is just
a block away.

Huh.

[ Car door opens, closes ]

[ Chuckles ] Look here.

Marmaduke dragged spaghetti
all over the house,

once again affirming
my decision

that we do not want a dog.

Did you make a note
of what time

our son got home
last night?

I have eight sons.

It's so real
when I say it.

Eddie, the one
with a girlfriend.

No one cares how late Pat
stays out

trying to make friends
with that possum.

We need to clamp down
on Eddie.

I dealt with him
on that.

You dealt with him?

Yeah. I know what time
he came home.

We talked.
It's been handled.

My father had been
very pleased

with his delicate handling
of Eddie.

But he knew if my mom found out
what he told Eddie,

she would not share
his enthusiasm.

You're sure
you said enough?

I said the exact right number
of words.

[ Scoffs ]
You're gonna have to give me

some latitude
on this one, Peg.

It's not
the kind of thing

where a boy wants
to include his mom.

Pat: Guys, come on!
I'm coming up!

[ Clicks tongue, scoffs ]
[ Door opens ]

Pat!
Get down from there!

You're gonna break
your neck!

You'll get a wheelchair
for Christmas

instead of a Big Wheel.

I'm getting a Big Wheel?

No!
Now get down!

Let the boy climb a tree,
Peg.

He'll fall.
And survive and learn something.

That's how it works
with boys and trees. Oh.

One falls out of the other
and everybody ends up fine.

Is that what you said
to Eddie, too?

It's okay
if he falls off Wendi?

[ Sighs ]
I gave him enough facts

so he could work things out
for himself.

You trust Eddie
to work things out?

He's the most like Marmaduke
of all our sons.

Why read the comics if you're
not gonna learn from them?

It's better than babying them
like you do.

Oh.
This crazy new fad of supervising your kids?

I want these boys leaving
this house,

standing on
their own two feet,

in their own two shoes
that I won't have to pay for.

I saw this
"ABC After School Special"

on ABC
after school one day,

and this handsome,
young couple

had to give up
their dream of being an ice dancing team

because she was
skating for two.

That won't happen,
not with Eddie's weak ankles.

He can't skate worth crap.

They ended up in a trailer park
in Iowa!

Now, what did you say
to Eddie?

[ Slams newspaper ]
I said enough, Peg.

Now leave it alone.

It's been handled.

My dad laid down the law.

He made it very clear
he didn't want her

discussing this topic
with Eddie...

[ Doorbell rings ]
[ Sighs ]

...but he didn't say anything
about Eddie's girlfriend.

[ Gasps ]
Wendi.

How nice to see you.

Come on in.

♪♪

Timmy:
Why's he doing this?

It's like a billion degrees
out there.

Who's he trying
to impress?

Mom was there when he took
the job.

Maybe Frank's sucking up
to Mom.

What does that
get him? Love.

Pfft.
That's dumb.

Mom has to love us
no matter what.

Dad, too.
We've got them over a barrel.

Maybe it's because of
Father Dunne's sermon on Sunday.

No idea.
I was busy playing pew-footsie

with Kathy Petrillo.

It was about how
God is impressed

by selfless acts
of kindness.

Maybe Frank is doing
a pure, good deed.

Not buying it.
He's got an angle.

But Father Dunne said --
Dunne probably has an angle, too.

Either way, you guys
should be freaking out.

Uh, what if this whole

working-for-free scam
catches on?

Everybody helping
everybody.

What kind of a world
is that?

A utopia?
Exactly!

It screws up things
for all of us.

Timmy,
how would you like it

if Frank put on
free puppet shows?

He doesn't have the imagination
or the dexterity.

But parents are cheap,
so if he doesn't charge,

there goes the money
for your tap dance lessons.

I need those!

You think Frank cares?

He's not a friend
of musical theater.

And what about you?

What if one of those
stupid books you like comes out

and you can't afford
to buy it?

The library is free.

The library
is disgusting.

It's where books go
to get boogered.

I try to pretend
those are insects.

We need
our neighborhood chore money.

And the bottom will fall out
of that economy

if we don't stop Frank.

So who's with me?

I'm in!
Me, too!

I like the enthusiasm.

I might have a couple
of side projects for you.

Another date
with Wendi?

Her folks are out of town.

We've got the place
to ourselves.

Pretty sure
I'm gonna get lucky.

"Lucky"? Wow.

It's not
the most enlightened attitude.

This is a girl you care about,
man,

not a blackjack table.

I meant I just feel lucky
to be dating her.

You were talking
about sex.

Whoa!
Nice talk, seminarian.

You take Communion
with that mouth? It's a new day, man.

You know, we need to start being
more open about sexuality.

Now you just made
the word longer.

Have you even consulted Wendi
about your plans for tonight?

No. We don't talk about
that stuff.

She's a nice girl.
That's old thinking, man.

You don't want to be all uptight
like Mom and Dad.

You keep it real
with Wendi,

it's gonna make your connection
that much deeper

when the two of you --
Please don't say it.

I was just gonna say
"make love."

Ugh, that's
the worst one of all.

And now I add
the flavor packet.

Of course, you won't have
to learn all this, college girl.

You'll have fancy maids
sprinkling

your flavor packets
for you.

Well, I am hoping
to have a career.

Don't let anything derail that,
dear.

Hate to see you make
a shameful mistake

and end up in some trailer park
in Iowa.

What?
Why am I in Iowa?

Exactly what Pamela Sue Martin
said in "Dancing On Thin Ice."

[ Telephone rings ]

Who on Earth would be calling me
right now?

[ Door opens ]

Uh, Wendi.

Uh, Eddie and I were
just talking about you.

I mean,
nothing in particular,

just [Clears throat] life
in all its wonders.

Put 'er there.

[ Both chuckle ]

Uh...

Cleary residence.

Mrs. Cleary, Bob Parson.
Parson's Pharmacy.

Oh, hello, Bob.

I just thought
you might be interested

that...your son Eddie
came in today.

And he purchased...

Really?
I see.

He bought Binaca, too,
so connect those dots.

Uh, plus a Mars bar...

I'm not sure yet
how that factors in.

I'll take it from here.
Thank you.

[ Receiver clacks ]

So...what do you and Eddie
have planned for tonight?

Uh, nothing special.

Well, that's ideal

'cause I've suddenly got
an extra $9 ticket

to the church fashion show.

It's for spina bifida.
Should be fun.

Oh, you're here.

Yeah.
Hey.

We've just been having

gobs of fun without ya.

It's like, "Who needs Eddie?"
Not us.

I'm so glad you brought
this one home.

She's like the daughter
I always wanted

who made it to full term.

So, what exactly did you have
planned for her tonight?

Bowling?

Bowling?
[ Scoffs ] That's dumb.

We're going to the fashion show
instead.

That's awfully minty breath
for bowling.

Was Frank really working
so hard for Mrs. Strausser

just to be a good person?

His only reward some small talk

while sipping sun tea
with a retired librarian?

Who's to say?

Not in a pile.

Kick 'em around.

The possibility
so offended Joey

that he decided
to sabotage him.

Where's William?

I don't think
he's coming.

Pat, you've been promoted
to spreading dog poo.

Yay!

You got all of this
from dogs?

Mostly.
[ Leaves rustling ]

♪ She's a lady ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ She's a lady ♪

That pantsuit
is so chic.

She looks like
the Charlie girl.

I'm not so sure
about these hemlines.

Why buy the cow if the cow
is dressed like a strumpet?

It's fun,
if the girl feels confident.

She'd have
to feel confident

that she's wearing
clean underpants.

And those
platform shoes...

I enjoy being as tall
as Eddie.

But teetering around
on crazy circus shoes

seems unnecessarily risky
for young girls.

Almost as risky as having
pre-marital relations.

Well, now that you've got us
talking about that --

are you fornicating
with my Eddie?

Wow. Uh, I was really enjoying
talking about shoes.

[ Exhales sharply ]
Mrs. Cleary, uh, Eddie and I

have never done any of that
and we have no plans to.

You may not have plans to,
honey, but he does.

Intimate relations is
this irrational drive with men.

They use it to feel
less alone,

and so they can pretend
to be part

of this whole
creating-life thing,

which we basically do
without them.

I like that poncho.
I'd wear that. Mm-hmm.

I think "intimate relations"
can be a drive for women, too.

[ Scoffs ]
Not a drive I plan to do anything about

until I'm in
a committed relationship.

You mean
the Sacrament of Marriage.

Anything less is just trying
to pull a fast one on Jesus.

Plus, you don't get
the tax benefits.

But I don't like this notion
that all men

are just trying
to get something,

and it's our job
to resist.

That's how
it's always been.

Men like making
the first move.

[ Paso doble music plays ]

♪♪

[ Gargles ]

♪♪

Women should also
feel comfortable

asking for
what they want.

After marriage.

That's certainly
a very 1970s idea.

Well, it is the 1970s.

I suppose.

Things are changing.

That's good
for women like us.

I guess I could be
more open to change.

[ Indistinct conversations,
laughter ]

I'm home.

Hey.

What's going on?

Watching Johnny.

Really funny "Carnac" tonight.
[ Chuckles ]

[ As Ed McMahon ]
"You are correct, sir!"

[ Chuckles ] Oh.
[ Chuckles flatly ]

I was thinking
maybe we should...

-...Don Rickles.
-...go to bed early.

Oh, you go ahead.
Rickles is coming up,

and then, uh,
Sammy Davis Jr. after.

So, you know.

Mm.

[ "La Virgen de la Macarena"
plays on TV ]

♪♪

[ Gargling, swishing ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ TV clicks ]

♪♪

Guys, I saw Frank heading over
to Strausser's place.

When he sees
what we did last night,

he's gonna drop a load.

I might need
a new grocery bag.

I even threw some poo
over the fence into our yard.

You really don't get this,
do you?

I don't,
but I love it!

You guys
are my best friends!

Did you wash
your hands?

[ Pot clacking ]

We ran out of bacon,

so I dipped some jerky
in syrup.

I think
I invented a thing.

Hey,
uh...about last night.

You know,
you wanting to...

Are you complaining?
No.

Uh, heck no.
[ Chuckles ]

I-I -- It's just new.

We usually
don't do "new."

Well, you like
your new maple jerky,

don't ya?

It's a little scary.

♪♪

Hey.
Wendi: Hey.

I'm sorry
about last night --

me going off
with your mom.

I don't know.
Maybe it was for the best.

I was talking about you and me
with Lawrence...

What about
"you and me"?

I had been cooking up
all these plans in my head

about you and me having,
you know, s-e-x,

but it hadn't even occurred
to me to talk to you.

Well, if you keep spelling out
the naughty words,

it might be
a very long talk.

I guess I'm just curious
what in particular

aroused your interest.

Is it because I asked
about your day earlier?

Because I could do that
more often.

Just been thinking about how
things are changing for women.

And some of it's good --
running marathons

and having our own brand
of cigarettes.

Hmm.
But it was also something Wendi said.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa --

you're talking
to Eddie's girlfriend

about our
s-e-x activities?

Wendi is a very smart,
modern young woman.

If she's smart,
what's she doing with Eddie?

[ Gulps ]

Hmm.

Maybe me messing up
like this

is an indication
that we just aren't ready yet.

Maybe.
Or...maybe not.

What do you mean?

I was also thinking
we weren't ready.

I was waiting
to feel respected...

waiting for you
to grow up,

which now that we've
talked it through a bit,

maybe you have.

Oh, I've definitely
grown up.

I've grown up so much,

I already hate
all the music

these kids are listening to
these days.

It's just noise.

[ Chuckles ]

Joey: There he is.

It's happening.
It's happening!

What the --

Joey: Oh, here come
the waterworks!

I almost feel bad
for him.

Wait.
What's he doing?

He's just going back
to work.

But where's the tears?

Where's the rage?!

It's like when the Whos
down in Whoville still sang

even though
they didn't get presents.

Well,
I'm not done yet.

Wait for it...

Frank: Whoa!

[ Laughter ]

Joey: Bull's-eye!

William?!

What is going on?

[ Grunts ]
You good?

Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.

Joey stood
and he watched,

not knowing what to do

as his brothers raked leaves
and great piles of poo.

Then a sound rose up
from the yard down below.

It started in low,
then it started to grow...

♪ Strausser's yard work,
Strausser's yard work ♪

♪ Welcome hard work ♪

♪ Do all day ♪

Both:
♪ Strausser's yard work ♪

♪ Strausser's yard work ♪

♪ Welcome hard work
for no pay ♪

Up in his tree house,
Joey puzzled and puzzed.

He just couldn't fathom
why Frank did what he does-ed.

♪ Welcome, welcome,
yard work, hard work ♪

♪ Raking leaves
will be our task ♪

♪ As long as we have rakes
to grasp ♪

Then Joey thought a new thought
he hadn't before.

Maybe it was a good feeling
Frank got from this chore.

The kind of good feeling
you can't buy from a store.

Guess Frank really was just
doing that out of kindness.

Plus, I suppose
it's like Father Dunne said --

good deeds help eliminate
temporal punishment.

♪ As long as we have rakes
to grasp ♪

What's that?

Well, selfless deeds
help reduce the amount of time

you have to spend in purgatory
after you die.

The more good deeds, the quicker
you get into Heaven.

And what happened then?

Well, at our house
they say

Joey's tiny heart
shrunk three sizes that day.

So that's his angle.
♪ Yard work, hard work... ♪

This bum is scamming
to get into Heaven before me.

I'll be cooling
my heels in purgatory

while he's tossing a football
with Abe Lincoln?!

No way.

Lemons!

♪ Hard work, yard work ♪

♪ Wel-- ♪

Wh--

Nice!
Keep 'em coming.

Pat:
You got it, boss! Ah.

[ Laughs ]
Take cover!

Timmy: Nice!

Clean up those lemons,
Frank!

Take that, Frank!

Good shot!
Eat it!

Cut it out, Joey!
I see you!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Ohh!

[ Laughs ]
Nice! Nailed it!

Alright,
that tears it!

♪♪

Oh, no! She bought that during
a sabbatical in Santa Fe!

Why do you know
these things?!

You guys are all dead!
[ Growls ]

He's coming.
Crap!

Let's get out of here!

Aaah!
[ Whimpers ]

I wasn't talking to Wendi
about us.

It was about things
she's doing with Eddie. Damn it!

I told you that Eddie business
was handled.

Why couldn't you keep
your nose out of it?

Because it wasn't handled.

Did you know
he bought rubbers?

Yes. I gave him some information
in that area,

but I sent him
to Confession after,

so it's like
it never happened.

Great, now Father Dunne
will know I failed

and stink-eye me
from the altar.

Like it or not,
he's a teenage boy.

We have to let him
work stuff out for himself.

Teenage boys are idiots,
Mike,

and Eddie's not even
cream of that crop.

[ Boys scream ]

[ Frank roars ]

Pat: Help!

Alright, Pat.
You're okay.

I'll catch you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to letting them
work things out for themselves?

That doesn't apply
to this. Sure.

I "gave him the information"

not to climb up there,
remember?

Now,
according to your thinking,

let things play out.
This is different.

Eddie's 18.
He can handle more.

But Eddie's consequences
are worse. Are you kidding?!

From that height, Pat could
break his legs or even die.

I could die?!

Mind your own business!
Adults talking.

Honey, you're a great mom,

and you want to protect
your kids...

I'm slipping!

What did I say?

...but it has to be
case-by-case.

Sometimes,
maybe we do weigh in,

and sometimes, we have
to let these idiots

make the dumb decisions
they're going to make

and just hope
for Divine providence.

[ Branch snaps ]
[ Screams, grunts ]

[ Sighs ]

Okay.

That makes sense.

What?

Really?

You mean I won one?

You convinced me.
Wow.

With this and last night,
you're full of surprises.

What did I tell you
about going up there?

Sorry.
You could've broken your neck,

and then how would you
walk around Disneyland?

We're going
to Disneyland?!

No.
[ Scoffs ]

[ Sighs ]

What was all that crying
and yelling about earlier?

Oh, the kids were whipping
snakes at each other.

Again?

Where do they keep getting --
never mind.

Snakes weren't poisonous,
I don't think,

so I stayed out of it.

Like I said, Peg,
you're a great mom.

TV announcer: Can Scope handle
your bad breath?

Woman: Watch out, honey.
Morning breath.

Man: Try my Scope!

[ Gargling ]

Mmm. Minty.

[ Both gargling ]
Ah.

Scope mouthwash tackles
morning breath --

the worst breath of the day.

You wanna turn in?
Sure.

[ Paso doble music plays ]

♪♪

[ TV clicks ]

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