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1
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[theme music]
2
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[crowd cheering and applauding]
3
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[shouting] What is up, Atlanta?
4
00:00:26,234 --> 00:00:27,569
[crowd cheering]
5
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:28,737
Yeah.
6
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Yeah!
7
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I love this city.
Everything's on a biscuit.
8
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It's kind of my speed.
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That's kind of where I live. I like it.
10
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I found a new TV show to watch.
That's the goal...
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for many of us.
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Let's be honest.
13
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That's... You find a show.
You find another show and then you die.
14
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[crowd laughing]
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It's what it is.
16
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And the show I found is so fucking nice.
It's so nice.
17
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It's called The Great British Bake-Off.
18
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-[crowd cheering]
-It's so... fucking... Yeah!
19
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,314
You know why? Because it's nice.
20
00:01:05,356 --> 00:01:07,734
If you haven't seen it
I'll explain what it is.
21
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It's British people baking in a field.
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-[crowd laughing]
-That's it.
23
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That's the whole fucking show.
24
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It's a competition,
25
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but you would never know
because they're British.
26
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If you ask someone,
''What are you doing here?''
27
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They go, ''I love cookies.''
28
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-[crowd laughing]
-That's it.
29
00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:28,922
In America,
we're such a war-like culture...
30
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that everybody on our reality shows
has to have the most tragic...
31
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back story.
32
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[crowd laughing]
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If that show was made in America,
it would sound like this:
34
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''Jessica learned she liked baking
when she was burned in a fire.''
35
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[crowd laughing]
36
00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,526
''Now, watch Jessica compete against...
37
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the man who burned heeeeeeeer!''
38
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-[crowd laughing]
-[continuous stressing her]
39
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[crowd laughing and applauding]
40
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The psychotic American baking show.
41
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:01,913
[crowd laughing]
42
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:05,875
I'm a big fan of the winter.
You guys like the winter? Yeah, right?
43
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No? None of you?
44
00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:10,797
-[woman] Boo!
-Boo!
45
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You're booing seasons?
46
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[crowd laughing]
47
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Boo!
48
00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:19,514
You like the summer? Fuck the summer.
49
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:23,601
I don't like the summer.
I don't like Instagram in the summer.
50
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:27,814
Because the entire class structure
of America
51
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:31,693
is on display on Instagram in the summer.
52
00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:33,820
In the winter it doesn't matter.
53
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French Bulldog in a snowdrift?
Who gives a fuck?
54
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,409
In the summer it is very easy to see
55
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:42,078
who's fucked
and who isn't in this country.
56
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Very easy.
There are three classes of people.
57
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This is what they post.
58
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If you are rich, it is all Hamptons,
pool parties, ros�.
59
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,216
-[crowd laughing]
-Rich people.
60
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,594
Middle class people.
61
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Bar crawls,
62
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babies. Tough Mudder races.
63
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:07,729
You know who you are.
64
00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:09,397
[crowd laughing]
65
00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:11,733
Poor people. Memes.
66
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:16,321
[crowd laughing]
67
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,573
Pictures of french fries.
68
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Religious images.
69
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,119
[crowd laughing]
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00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:26,247
If you have a picture of french fries,
next to our lady of Guadalupe,
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00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,332
you're fucked.
72
00:03:27,415 --> 00:03:28,458
[crowd laughing]
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00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:32,378
According to the Instagram class structure
which is very rigid.
74
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,088
[crowd laughing]
75
00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:37,800
Um... I'm actually a gay comedian.
Sorry, nobody.
76
00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:42,639
Uh... I hope there's a woman
in the back that's, like, ''Oh, noooooo!''
77
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,182
[crowd laughing]
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00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,976
I don't know why I made her from Fargo.
But, that's...
79
00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:49,729
That's the type of woman
I would end up with.
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A severe woman. Aargh!
81
00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:53,316
A woman who likes the winter.
82
00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:54,525
[crowd laughing]
83
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:57,654
My manager called. He's, like,
''Wanna perform for gay runaway?''
84
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,864
I said, ''No, not really.''
He's, like, ''It's $30.''
85
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,449
I said, ''I'll be there at 3.''
86
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,326
To give back and do the right thing.
87
00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:07,121
I was supposed to do 20 minutes
of comedy. They cut my mic after 3.
88
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Not a good sign.
89
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,918
I thought I had great advice for the kids.
I still do.
90
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,254
I grabbed the microphone.
I said, ''Hello gay runaways.''
91
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:18,091
I said, ''listen, I'm a gay person.
I get wanting to be yourself.
92
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:20,134
But if the stakes are that high,
93
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:22,345
where someone's gonna kick you out,
aaargh,
94
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:25,181
I would think about playing it straight.''
[laughs]
95
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:29,644
I don't like vaginas. But for pop tarts
and indoor plumbing, I'll navigate one.
96
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-[crowd laughing]
-[shouting] Lie. What are you doing?
97
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,899
Sitting at the table, like,
I got all this semen in my mouth.
98
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[shouting intensely]
Talk about the weather!
99
00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:37,944
[crowd laughing]
100
00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:39,696
Make shit up!
101
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[crowd laughing]
102
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She was like, you're done. I said, okay.
103
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[crowd laughing]
104
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That's fair.
105
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,498
Politics is very volatile, right now.
106
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That's my surmise.
107
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,251
A...
108
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:57,755
That white supremacist
is always in the news. Richard Spencer.
109
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:02,593
A... I'd never heard of this guy,
until he got punched at a rally.
110
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:06,014
People were debating on Twitter.
Is it justified?
111
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:09,350
Somebody came up to me
and asked, do you think that's justified?
112
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,978
I said, well, let me tell you this.
113
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:16,607
I have been punched
at a Pizza Hut lunch buffet...
114
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,986
and that was justified.
115
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[crowd laughing and applauding]
116
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,494
[lowers voice] Just to give you an idea.
117
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President Trump recently debated Twitter,
118
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about transgender people in the military.
119
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:37,795
I don't think the military was involved.
120
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,172
[chuckles] But...
121
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:44,469
the President debated military policy
with Lena Dunham and Katy Perry.
122
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,721
It was very productive.
123
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,683
Very productive. I think everybody
should be in the military. I do.
124
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:54,228
I'm good, but everybody else
get in there.
125
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,521
[crowd laughing]
126
00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,190
I'll tell you another thing.
127
00:05:57,315 --> 00:06:00,443
CNN brought out
a transgender Navy Seal...
128
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:01,861
to make the argument.
129
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:05,323
Which is... A transgender Navy Seal...
130
00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,575
is a fascinating person.
131
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:11,913
That is a kid that grew up and was, like,
''If I'm certain of one thing,
132
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,082
it's that I'm a killer.''
133
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:19,587
[crowd laughing]
134
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,173
'''I don't know
what form this is gonna take.
135
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,842
But I am a bringer of death.''
136
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:26,928
[crowd laughing]
137
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:30,056
''I don't know what bathroom I'll use,
but when I leave it,
138
00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:32,141
I'm gonna murder somebody.''
139
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:35,228
[crowd laughing]
140
00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:39,273
Very tough to have a job you don't like.
Anybody have a job they hate?
141
00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:41,734
-[crowd] Yeah!
-What do you do?
142
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,986
-[man] Sales.
-Sales? What do you sell?
143
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,197
-I.T.
-Uggh! Yeah...
144
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:49,242
That's a rough one. I thought it was
human trafficking
145
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:50,743
or something with a future.
146
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,703
-[crowd laughing]
-Here--
147
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,540
Here's how you know. It's very tough
in America to have a shitty job.
148
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:59,210
Nobody cares. I can prove to you
nobody cares you have a shitty job.
149
00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,254
There is a show on television...
150
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,756
where rich CEO's...
151
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:06,467
dress up as the poor people
152
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:09,470
at the companies they own
to fuck with them.
153
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,638
[crowd laughing]
154
00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:13,641
That is a show on TV
called Undercover Boss.
155
00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:16,936
It is the cruelest
and most watchable show.
156
00:07:18,062 --> 00:07:21,566
It's never a company where you need
to figure out what's going on.
157
00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:24,902
It's never, like,
Undercover Boss: Goldman Sachs.
158
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:25,820
[crowd laughing]
159
00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:28,781
It's always a shitty hot dog truck
at a fair.
160
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:32,535
The last episode I watched
was at Popeye's chicken.
161
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:35,955
I love Popeye's chicken. [deep breath]
You're looking at me, like,�No.
162
00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:38,499
I love... Popeye's chicken.
163
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:41,836
I had no idea Popeye's even had a CEO.
164
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,464
I thought it was just
fried chicken and yelling.
165
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:47,091
-[crowd laughing]
-I had no idea.
166
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,636
The CEO of Popeye's goes undercover.
Does what he has to do.
167
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,306
Puts a cigarette out on his eye.
Acid burn on his face.
168
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:55,725
Covers himself in blood. He walks in...
169
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,935
-[crowd laughing]
-[Tim chuckles]
170
00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:02,482
and he says to the cashier... He goes,
''Hey, what's your biggest problem?''
171
00:08:03,065 --> 00:08:05,151
The cashier at Popeye's...
172
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:07,904
responds to that, by saying this.
173
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:13,242
She goes, ''Well,
sometimes we run out of apple pies.''
174
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,787
[crowd laughing and applauding]
175
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:21,292
That's your fucking biggest problem,
as a cashier, at Popeye's?
176
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,962
How many takes did they have to use
to get that answer?
177
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,047
[crowd laughing]
178
00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,382
The first answer was,
''Yeah, we got problems.
179
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,885
People keep giving birth...
in the bathroom.
180
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:34,347
There's placenta all over the floor
and my hands.
181
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,516
Nobody wants soggy placenta biscuits.
182
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:39,018
Can you get AIDS from placenta?
183
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:42,063
I just came to work and I'm a godfather.
This is ridiculous.
184
00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:46,025
One of the executives was, like,
''Let's go with apple pies.''
185
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,069
[crowd laughing]
186
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:51,113
You also know it's fake because they never
talk about the Illuminati.
187
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,199
I've worked low-wage jobs.
188
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,661
We talk about the Illuminati,
aaaall the time.
189
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,287
[crowd laughing]
190
00:08:58,412 --> 00:09:00,957
Before I was a comedian,
I was a tour guide on a double-decker bus
191
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,835
in New York City. Have you guys
ever taken a bus in New York City?
192
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,672
Five people? Fuck the rest of you.
193
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:11,467
What? Are you too good to pay $85
194
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,845
to hear me make up facts
about the Empire State Building?
195
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:18,766
And get corrected
by a nine-year-old nerd from Tennessee?
196
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,852
On his iPhone, like,
''It's actually 1400 feet.''
197
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:24,355
-Get off. Now.
-[crowd laughing]
198
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:26,107
When you work in tourism in NYC
199
00:09:26,190 --> 00:09:29,235
you learn you're racist, against races
you had no idea existed.
200
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:31,487
I had no idea I hated Dutch people.
No idea.
201
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,448
And fuck you
if you don't hate Dutch people.
202
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:37,326
They have sing-songy voices.
When they talk they go, ''Wuh-uh-uh-uh.''
203
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,704
They sound like reindeer. It's disgusting.
204
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,789
[crowd laughing]
205
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:44,458
I had no idea how cool Saudi's were.
206
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:48,129
Saudi's are so rich,
they tip oil and it's nice.
207
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:51,132
You get a handful of petroleum
when you've done a good job.
208
00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,217
This is how I know I love Saudi's.
209
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,137
I was on my tour bus, two years ago,
and I knock over a woman
210
00:09:56,220 --> 00:09:57,263
because I'm a pig.
211
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:59,348
I knock her over and feel horrible.
212
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,685
Her husband comes running up to me
and he's angry. You can see it.
213
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:05,855
I'm standing there bracing myself.
And he goes, ''Excuse me.
214
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,524
Was she bothering you?''
215
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:12,028
I was, like, ''No, I knocked her over.''
He goes, ''She was in your way.''
216
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,572
I was, like,
[squeaking] ''She was kind of in my way.''
217
00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:16,699
He's, like,
''She won't bother you again.''
218
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:19,619
I think it's for the best.
[squeaking] How cool are they?
219
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:20,828
[crowd laughing]
220
00:10:20,911 --> 00:10:22,622
So accomodating.
221
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,710
I'm from Long Island. Ah... New York.
222
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:30,588
That's what it deserves. Thank you.
223
00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:32,423
-[crowd laughing]
-You came in late.
224
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,841
I'm... [laughter]
225
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:38,137
Lot of people don't like Long Island. Lot
of people shit talk Long Island. And...
226
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,557
a lot of them are right. I wanna know why?
How do they know?
227
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:45,561
How do they know? I figured it out.
People do not judge an area
228
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,689
based on a book... or research.
229
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:49,815
They judge an area
230
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,526
based on the reality show,
about that area.
231
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:56,197
And Long Island's
most popular reality show...
232
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,199
is a crazy woman,
233
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:01,661
who pretends to talk to dead people.
234
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:04,705
It's true. It's called Long Island Medium.
I don't know if you've seen it.
235
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:06,957
She's like an Italian gypsy woman.
236
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:10,711
I forget her name. It's like,
Teresa a La Vodka. Disgusting.
237
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,798
It's like, Teresa Antipasto for three.
I don't know.
238
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,300
She gets these sad parents together,
239
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,803
in the back of shitty, Italian restaurants
in Long Island.
240
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:21,806
Because when kids from Long Island
come back from the dead,
241
00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:25,267
they will only do so
if they can eat Ravioli one more time,
242
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,020
in a strip mall with this witch.
243
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,313
[crowd laughing]
244
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,273
Here's what you learn from the show.
245
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,193
You learn that people
from Long Island do not deserve
246
00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:36,404
to talk to their dead relatives,
247
00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:39,115
based on the horrible questions they ask.
248
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,702
It's always a guy that's like,
''Teresa, is that my daughter?
249
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,539
Is that her? Is that
Ashley Rose Marie Nicole? Is that her?
250
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:50,292
Okay, can you ask her
if she's seen my wrench, please?''
251
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,671
[crowd laughing]
252
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:55,256
She's not psychic.
253
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:59,427
It's that Long Island breeds
a very specific type of monster.
254
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:02,555
It's one of the only places in the country
where she can walk out and be like,
255
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,099
''Excuse me, I'm getting a feeling.
256
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:09,437
Has anybody's toddler died
in a jet ski accident?''
257
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:12,273
And seven people are, like,
''Yes, Teresa, my son did.
258
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:15,151
He could not handle the power.
We are ashamed of him.''
259
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:19,613
''Does anybody have Billie Joel lyrics
tattooed on their inner thigh?''
260
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:23,284
''My wife and her sister, Teresa.''
261
00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:24,618
''Anybody has a tattoo
262
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,329
of an American Eagle cloaked
in an Italian flag,
263
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,498
riding a motorcycle
through the twin towers?
264
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:31,250
Everybody I know.
265
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,585
[crowd laughing]
266
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,754
Every human being I've ever met...
267
00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:36,255
[crowd laughing]
268
00:12:36,380 --> 00:12:37,715
...has that tattoo.
269
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,468
Friend of mine bought a house.
270
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:44,972
Here's the thing,
people who have bought things.
271
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:46,474
[crowd laughing]
272
00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:47,475
Okay.
273
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:51,395
This is something you can do.
I don't know, if you know you can.
274
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:54,690
You could just shut the fuck up about it.
275
00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:58,736
You really can.
You could just keep it a secret even.
276
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:01,155
Just shut the fuck up.
277
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:05,075
My friend is now an economic advisor
because he owns a house.
278
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,077
He says ridiculous things.
279
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:12,082
He's like, yeah, people who own things
treat them better than people who rent.
280
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,001
[crowd laughing]
281
00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,211
Excuse me?
282
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,338
It's completely untrue.
283
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:19,840
Completely untrue. Do you agree?
284
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:23,844
[shouting] Alright, let me prove it.
I'll prove it right now that you're wrong.
285
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:25,012
I'll prove it to you.
286
00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:29,517
Picture something, in your life,
that you treat better because you own it,
287
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,311
versus something you've borrowed
and have to return.
288
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:34,188
Nothing. Nothing.
289
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,357
Be honest. If I own something
it's for one reason.
290
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,442
So I can destroy it, myself.
291
00:13:39,109 --> 00:13:41,862
Do you know
why 60% of Americans are overweight?
292
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,948
Because we own our bodies.
293
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:47,326
If your body was a lease
you'd treat it with more respect.
294
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:50,496
Because it would be
fucking humiliating to return.
295
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,081
[crowd laughing]
296
00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,625
I would go to the dealership
and they would say,
297
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,919
''Mr. Dillon, we gave you this,
six fucking months ago,
298
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:59,421
without stretch marks or psoriasis.''
299
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:00,756
[crowd laughing]
300
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,133
Thank you guys so much. You've been great.
301
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,219
[crowd wowing and cheering]
302
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:10,432
[crowd applauding]
303
00:14:10,482 --> 00:14:15,032
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