All language subtitles for The Comedy Lineup s01e06 Sabrina Jalees.eng

-[theme music]
-[crowd speaking]

[crowd wowing and applauding]

I am so excited.
My wife gave birth last week, guys.

[Sabrina] Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby.

Baby.

Yes, so good.

She gave birth, last week. He's perfect.

He's little. He's hairy.

He's peed in my face twice,
so we know he's talented.

[crowd laughing]

So good.

My wife was so pregnant.

She was overdue. Just so pregnant.
She was walking around, like,

''Can you believe I'm 150 pounds?''

I was, like, ''No, since that's been
my goal weight forever.

Since fourth grade.''

[crowd laughing]

What does it feel like? Gliding?

[crowd laughing]

Just flying everywhere
with two people in you?

[crowd laughing]

It's always exciting walking around
with a pregnant wife.

When you're a girl
it's a little extra exciting.

It's extra magic where people look
at you, like ''How'd it happen?''

And you get to be, like,
I fucking made it happen.

[crowd laughing]

Like Houdini. Doves, fire, sperm.

[crowd laughing]

We went to birthing class.
Boring. Boring class.

Such a long q and a.

This one guy,
next to his pregnant wife, stood up

and was, like,
''What happens if she dies?''

[crowd laughing]

I was like ''Well, you would be arrested
cause you murdered her.

You psycho.''

Many people walked up to us.
She was wearing a dress, I was wearing...

probably this.

Sick, gay, mechanic's outfit.

-[crowd laughing]
-[Sabrina laughing]

They were very serious. They were, like,

''How you guys figured out
who would get pregnant?''

I was, like,

''Pid Di dip pa ta da!'' I mean...

obviously I'm Sporty Spice.

[crowd laughing]

I carry heavy luggage.

She's Baby Spice.

She carry a baby.

[crowd laughing]

It's how that works.

My father's side of the family
is Pakistani. I'm half Muslim.

When I came out,
they were just super supportive.

Just, like, cool man.

That's a lie. That's not...
[Sabrina laughing]

-[crowd laughing]
-That's...

No, they kicked me
straight out of the family.

They're, like, ''Get out!''

But then, a year went by, they missed me,
and they were, like, ''Get back in!''

Come on, you homo.

[crowd laughing]

Now, I have this baby to brag about.

[Sabrina] As soon as I found out
my wife was pregnant,

I went up to my most religious aunt
holding the ultrasound.

Cause in gay currency
and Muslim currency,

a baby is fucking bitcoin.

[crowd laughing]

I showed her this ultrasound
and she was, like,

''That is so beautiful.

You will be such great parents.''

I was, like, oh, my God.
She was like ''To be honest, I knew.

I knew you were having a baby.''

I was, like, that is so cool
that we were vibing. She was, like,

''I knew the moment you walked in
and I saw that body.''

[crowd laughing]

''And I hugged that belly.''
And I was like, fuck you.

That is so rude.

I'm Sporty Spice.

I will kick myself
back out of this family.

[Sabrina]
It has been such a great time for women.

And such a terrible time for men

that are doing weird shit
with their dicks.

-Right? Yeah.
-[crowd cheering]

-Yeah.
-[crowd applauding]

Ye e e e e e e eah.

Yeah, you gotta high five
or you come off like a guy

that's been doing weird shit
with his dick.

[crowd laughing]

All these Amelia Bedelia's
with dicks walking around, like...

[funny voice] ''What?'' And it's like, no.

Hrrrrrrrrrr! You're done.

[crowd laughing]

It's like upsetting.

But it's also satisfying, you know?

As women it's kind of, like,
we've been living in a house with dudes.

And we've been like ''I think,
there are squirrels in the attic.''

I think there's like
squirrels in the attic.

And guys have been, like,
''What are you ladies talking about?''

And recently it's, like, a thousand
squirrels dropped from the attic.

-And we're, like, [shouting] ''See?''
-[crowd laughing]

That drug's worth it just for the visual.

[crowd laughing]

As women we've known this,
you know? It's sad.

We've known, like every girl has been
pulled aside at some moment

and told if you get raped,
don't yell rape. No one will come. Yell...

[female crowd] Fire!

How fucking sad is that?

That we know to yell...
I'm getting attacked

and I have to play Taboo?

[crowd laughing]

That's fucked up.
Guys were never pulled aside being, like,

''if someone pulls a knife don't yell
knife. No one gives a shit about that.

Yell... ''Free pizzaaaaaaa!'' Like...

[crowd laughing]

We need better punishments, obviously.
Right?

Cause the crimes are weird
and we don't have the punishments.

What do you do for a guy, that's like,

brought a girl into a hotel room,

and she's like ''Cool, cocktails.''
And he's like ''No, this.''

And she's like ''No!''
And he's like ''Even better, now.''

What do you do for that guy?

I have a pitch. You guys wanna hear it?

[crowd] Yeah!

You wanna hear it. So, this is the pitch.

If you're a dude
that masturbates in a hotel room

to a woman that's like why?

One day, you will check into a hotel room.
You don't know when it's going to happen.

Just... Loo loo lup du doop!

Open the door. Every woman
you've done that to will be sitting there

holding a pint glass
of their period blood.

[crowd laughing]

And you don't get to leave
until you drink all the blood.

[crowd being disgusted]

That's not a joke. That's a solution.

[crowd laughing]

Is it gross? Yes.
But fucking justice is messy.

[crowd laughing]

I understand
that feminism has it's issues, okay?

I get it. There are people on either side
of feminism that are embarrassing.

We need to be intersectional, right?
We need to be strong.

Down the middle. Fucking get our rights.

But there's people on either side.
Like, on this side...

There's a woman named Kaley Cuoco
on the Big Bang Theory.

Did an interview in a woman's magazine.

She was, like, ''I'm not a feminist.

Here's the thing. I just love raising
my children and being a housewife.''

It's like, bitch, that's unrelated.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What kind of movement are you trying
to start of women running into the streets

like,
[shouting] ''We want nothing!''

[crowd laughing]

''Less than what we have now!

Let's start there as a bargaining point.''

[crowd laughing]

Feminism is just men and women
are of equal value, okay?

That's like being like ''World peace?
I would be for it, I just love pizza.''

[crowd laughing]

Then there's people on the other side.
I'm aware.

There's people on the other side of it
that are wrecking the brand.

[shouting] ''As a feminist, fuck men.
We don't need them.

Cut their dicks off.''

It's like, bitch, no one's getting into
bottle service that way.

[crowd laughing]

No one's meeting Drake.

[crowd laughing]

I think we would have less sex crimes,
less of this weird sex stuff,

if we were more honest about sex.

Either gay or straight,
sex is kind of taboo and a lie. Like...

The thing that makes you good
at doing sex,

is the opposite of the thing that makes
you good at getting sex.

Like, to get sex, you have to be like,
I'm a number one human.

Buttons, buttons, buttons, credit card.

[crowd laughing]

And then to be good at sex
you're not a human.

You have to be, like,

[shouting] ''I don't care
if shit gets in my mouth!''

[crowd laughing]

''I hope shit gets in my mouth!''

[crowd laughing]

Then we don't talk about sex.
We don't explore sex.

Then we have people
like our vice-president.

You know?

Yeah. That's like, alone with a woman?
How could I? I'd do sex.

-[crowd laughing]
-[Sabrina chuckles]

He made a rule in Indiana, that was, like,
''If you don't want any gay people

in your restaurant, or your bakery,
or your store you put up a sign

[shouting] and they won't come in there
and make you gay.''

Which is, like, ''Honey, chill out.''
[Sabrina laughing]

That's the weirdest way
to come out of the closet.

[crowd laughing]

It's, like, you're at a party where
everybody's hanging out, drinking,

and you turn off the music
and you're, like,

''We should make a rule
that we don't suck each other's dicks.''

[crowd laughing and applauding]

[Sabrina exhaling]

''Because otherwise what will stop us?''

[crowd laughing]

I think sexuality is fluid.

That's something you might say before
I started talking tonight, but...

[Sabrina chuckles]

I just want it to be known anyway.
Sexuality is fluid.

Can anyone here really say
''I'm 100% straight?''

No! And that's how you turn a crowd
in Atlanta gay, all at once.

[Sabrina] You sneak up on them.

[shouting] You make them feel gay
for saying they're straight, sir.

That's how you do it.

-[Sabrina chuckles]
-[crowd laughing]

It's a spectrum.

Over here in terms of the lesbian spectrum
there's, like,

[hard voice]
''Rosie O'Donnell on a jet ski

crushing a beer can on her head,
fingering a ladyyyyyyy!''

[shouting] The gayest!

[crowd laughing]

Then there's over here it's, like,
''I couldn't possibly.''

I'm not good at that one, but...

-[crowd laughing]
-[Sabrina chuckles]

Everyone's somewhere
in the middle there.

Until I realized how gay I was,

I didn't realize, like,
oh, I'm a little straight.

You know? I wasn't lying
when I was, like, I may get with Drake.

I would.

He would walk up to me
and be like ''Hey!''

-[crowd laughing]
-[Sabrina laughing]

-[flirty smile laugh] ''Hi!''
-[crowd laughing]

Then we'd be like...

[crowd laughing]

And then probably do some
open mouth stuff.

[crowd laughing]

I had my straightest... sexual moment...

when I was engaged to my wife
and I knew where I was on the spectrum.

I was at a strip club
in Miami cause I'm Pitbull.

[crowd laughing]

And there was this beautiful, thin,
Brazilian looking dude dancing.

And I was like... Mmmm!

At a certain point,
a good body transcends gender.

Like a good body, you're like,
salads only for me papi?

[crowd laughing]

My friend bought me a dance.

It was the first time where a guy
and I were having a sexual moment

and there was no, [shouting]
gotta finish the hand job. Like...

-[crowd laughing]
-[Sabrina laughing]

There was no pressure.
I was just feeling his abs.

Then he whispered in my ear.
He was like...

''I find you very attractive.''

I was like...

[Sabrina screaming]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

[laughing] So excited!

[crowd laughing]

Then he took my hand
and he put it on his bare dick.

Like naked dick. Not like dramatic.

Not like, the revenant!

[crowd laughing]

[shouting]
I sliced it open and I lived inside it!

[crowd laughing]

His naked peeeeen.

[crowd laughing]

I was just holding it. For the first time
with a clear heart and open mind.

Just Friday Night Lights
saying... this dick...

-[crowd laughing]
-[Sabrina laughing]

Just holding it the way
Helen Keller learned shapes.

Like...

[crowd laughing]

Learning about the vein.
I learned about the vein.

[crowd laughing]

Penises have veins.

[crowd laughing]

It's like the vein
in Julia Robert's forehead

when she's passionate.

When she's, like,
''The water's poisoned.''

[crowd laughing]

I held it and it got hard, you know?

I was, like,
this is fucking nature's dildo.

[crowd laughing]

I did that joke once
and... some lady came up to me...

like it was an emergency. She was, like,
''I just want to tell you,

I heard Helen Keller was a bitch.''

-[crowd laughing]
-[Sabrina chuckles]

I was, like, ''Who the fuck are you?

This is Helen Keller not Kylie Jenner.''

She was blind and deaf in every direction.
A hundred years...

What are you running around being, like,
''I heard Amelia Earheart got lost.''

You guys are fucking terrific.
Thank you guys so much.

[crowd cheering and applauding]

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