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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:20,603
[rhythmic music]
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00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:25,525
-[rhythmic music]
-[crowd wowing and applauding]
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00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:29,154
[crowd continuously applauding]
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00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:33,033
[Ian shouting]
Hello! Hello, hello, hello.
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00:00:33,908 --> 00:00:35,118
What's up?
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[crowd applauding]
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Listen, I have to admit something.
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I grew this mustache thinking
it would be funny for this special
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and it has fucked up my entire life.
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-[crowd laughing]
-It's giving me an identity crisis.
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I'm a Jewish. I'm on of those Jewish.
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You guys have seen us around.
Jewish... and argh...
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[crowd laughing]
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I don't look Jewish at all.
I look so Italian right now. It's crazy.
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I look like the cover of a pizza box.
It's like...
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00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,772
[crowd laughing]
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Just like mama used to make.
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00:01:05,356 --> 00:01:07,650
[crowd laughing]
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00:01:07,942 --> 00:01:11,988
I look like I've only ever had
meat-the-balls... that were spicy.
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-Haw!
-[crowd laughing]
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I look like the bouncer
at America's nicest Olive Garden.
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-That's...
-[crowd laughing]
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That's my aesthetic. I also have to
say this, which is interesting.
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I... em...
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This isn't my first time working
for Netflix.
27
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I actually worked for Netflix
one time before.
28
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I worked at Netflix's
customer service call center.
29
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[crowd laughing]
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In Portland, Oregon. Right when I was
first starting out comedy.
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People are like, that was a terrible job,
right? It was not.
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It was an amazing job.
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Sometimes really old people would call,
who had no idea how Netflix worked...
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[crowd laughing]
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...and it was amazing.
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-[crowd laughing]
-Cause you'd be like:
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''Beep. Thank you for calling Netflix.
What can I do for you tonight?''
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They'd be like:
[funny voice]
39
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''Why does Forrest Gump
have AIDS in this movie?''
40
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[crowd laughing and applauding]
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Great question.
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Let's get your account pulled up
and take a look really quick.
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[crowd laughing and applauding]
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It's because you're watching Philadelphia.
Thank you for calling Netflix.
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[crowd laughing]
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I have a girlfriend, which is weird
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because I look like I'm in the middle of
a really bad breakup... all the time.
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[crowd laughing]
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I'm glad I have a girlfriend because
I don't have to be on Tinder.
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I'm not gonna be one of those comedians
that talks shit about Tinder.
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But, I will say, Tinder will introduce you
to new ways to get your feelings hurt...
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that did not exist before.
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[crowd laughing]
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I matched with a woman on Tinder
and we were messaging.
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It was flirty and fun.
I was excited about it.
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Then she sent me the following message.
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She said: "You're cute.
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You're like a chubby Jack Black."
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[crowd laughing]
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[lady laughing out loud]
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00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:07,604
[crowd laughing]
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Jack Black is a fat person.
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[crowd laughing]
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[lady laughing out loud]
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She told me I was cute like
a chubby version of an already fat person.
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The worst part is she's 100% right.
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I do look like a fatter Jack Black.
That's how I look.
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If you saw me on the cover of US Weekly,
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you'd be like ''Oh, Jack,
get it together. Come on.''
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[crowd laughing]
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[Ian shouting]
That wasn't even the worst one.
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I matched with a woman on Tinder.
We hadn't even messaged yet.
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But I was reading her profile.
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Down at the bottom it said:
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''Oh, by the way,
no endomorphic body types. Sorry.''
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That's just me. Right?
[laugh sound]
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And I...
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don't know what endomorphic means.
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-Em...
-[crowd laughing]
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I made some guesses.
I went to college. I made some guesses.
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Endomorphic.
Probably, body of an insect.
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Right? Body of an insect.
Good for her for putting that out, right?
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She'd probably been burnt before.
Went on a couple dates with a guy.
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It was going great. They went back
to her place and were making out.
85
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She unbuttoned his shirt.
Thorax. There was a thorax there.
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[crowd laughing]
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[Ian shouting]
Then I looked it up.
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And it turns out endomorphic...
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just another term for fat guy.
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I had to google an insult that day,
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[crowd laughing]
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Do you know how much worse that is?
To not know something, look it up,
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and have it immediately
hurt your feelings?
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That's like getting a treasure map,
digging up the chest, opening it,
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and bees and bats.
That's all that's in there.
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[crowd laughing]
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If you don't wanna fuck a fat guy,
just say that.
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You don't have to fuck a fat guy.
Nobody here has to fuck a fat guy.
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If you wanna fuck a fat guy, feel free.
100
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But, you don't have to fuck a fat guy.
Don't make me solve a fucking riddle.
101
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Am I trying to date the Sphynx?
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[crowd laughing and applauding]
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-Thank you.
-[crowd applauding]
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00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,521
Clearly over it. I'm fine. It's fine.
105
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[crowd laughing]
106
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Every time I go through a breakup,
I try to learn a lesson from that breakup.
107
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I try to learn at least one lesson
from every breakup.
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The lesson I learned
from my last breakup is...
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when you go through a breakup,
in this day and age,
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you have to protect yourself
on social media.
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You do. Right? You have to protect
yourself on social media.
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Cause it's not natural to keep interacting
with someone after you breakup.
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Online or anywhere else.
Twenty years ago not an issue.
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Twenty years ago you breakup with someone
and you see them once... 9 months later.
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Like, at a Sears or whatever. Right?
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You're hanging out at Sears
like tires, tires, Diane!
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[crowd laughing]
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00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:03,738
[lady laughing hysterically]
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00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,742
That's what I did in my last breakup. I...
120
00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,953
I blocked her on Twitter.
I unfriended her on Facebook.
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I unfollowed her on Instagram.
I did all that stuff.
122
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What I forgot to do, was unfriend
her mother on Facebook.
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Which was very weird
because she just kept carrying on like
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she and I had been friends
before I started dating her daughter.
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It weirded me out.
I would react negatively.
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She'd comment and I'd be like,
[shouting]
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00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:31,099
''No, Susan,
that part of the deal is over.''
128
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:34,894
If you want to know which Gilmore Girl
you are, you go to Buzzfeed.
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[crowd laughing]
130
00:06:36,729 --> 00:06:38,189
Suki doesn't play that.
131
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[crowd laughing]
132
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I'm a Suki.
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00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:44,195
[crowd laughing]
134
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,948
I thought I was a Loreli
for the longest time, but...
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00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:48,658
[crowd laughing]
136
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,743
That's what Suki would think.
137
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,079
-[crowd laughing]
-[Ian making laughter sound]
138
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That was her mother during the breakup.
139
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,417
My mother during the breakup
was amazing.
140
00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:00,044
My mother had my back
to an extent that...
141
00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:04,507
I don't know if I can believe anything
she ever tells me again. Alright?
142
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,927
She flip flopped on my girlfriend so fast.
143
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:10,888
I'm like ''Have you ever
truly believed anything, right?''
144
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,641
The day before the breakup
my mom was like,
145
00:07:13,724 --> 00:07:15,560
''I like you girlfriend so much.
146
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,688
She's so neat, and nice,
and sweet, and pretty.
147
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,356
I might like her more than you.
148
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,443
Just kidding, you're my special boy.
But I love her, too.''
149
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,528
[crowd laughing]
150
00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:27,363
And then we broke up.
151
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:30,658
And the very next day my mom was like
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00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,245
[Making scary voice]
''The devil lives in that woman.
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00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:37,498
Blood flows not through her veins
154
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,418
rather an endless parade
of fire ants cascading
155
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:43,296
back and forth through
her ever blackening soul.
156
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,132
I've taken the liberty
of surrounding our home
157
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in a circle of sacred ash from a volcano
that hasn't erupted in 10 millenia.
158
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,431
If the she-devil makes it past the circle,
159
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:57,059
you go to the barn, take a jackrabbit
and dip him in the blood of a mule
160
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we've been keeping there
for just such an occasion.
161
00:07:59,770 --> 00:08:02,899
You send the jackrabbit out the door,
the she-beast will catch its sent
162
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:03,816
and give chase.
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00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,569
That'll buy you just enough time
to grab the children,
164
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:09,530
head out the backdoor
and make for higher ground.''
165
00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:13,409
[crowd laughing and applauding]
166
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,162
-Thank you, thank you.
-[crowd wowing and applauding]
167
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,247
[crowd applauding]
168
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,458
Don't clap for me, clap for my mother.
169
00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:22,668
The actress, Sam Elliot. That's my mother.
170
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:25,588
[crowd laughing and applauding]
171
00:08:27,089 --> 00:08:29,967
As hard as it can be to find love
in this day and age,
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00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,302
I am grateful,
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00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,930
that I'm into fairly pedestrian sex,
right?
174
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I'm into just basic sex.
175
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The hits. I'm into...
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Now that's what I call sex, volume 1.
Like that's...
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[crowd laughing]
178
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Cause it's gotta be so hard
to be into really freaky stuff.
179
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And at the same time,
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find someone you want to spend
the rest of your life with.
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Cause everything else
still has to be there.
182
00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:56,953
You still have to like the same movies
and hate the same music.
183
00:08:57,119 --> 00:08:59,121
Get along with each other's parents.
184
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:03,251
On top of that, she has to be okay
with dressing like a mongoose.
185
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,168
[crowd laughing]
186
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,128
And pretending your penis is a cobra.
187
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,423
-Yeahe!
-[crowd laughing]
188
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,469
-When do you even bring that up?
-[crowd laughing]
189
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,973
I think the perfect time
to tell someone what you're into...
190
00:09:17,139 --> 00:09:18,558
is on the first date.
191
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:22,728
You know, after dinner,
but before dessert.
192
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,774
Because that... at least that way
you've gotten to know each other.
193
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:29,569
Worst case, you got a meal out of it,
you know?
194
00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:32,154
Then after dinner
they bring those little menus.
195
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,241
They're like ''I dunno if you saved room
but this blueberry ganache bullshit
196
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,326
is what I'm supposed to tell you to eat.''
197
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,288
[crowd laughing]
198
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:43,791
Then your date can be like
''Ah, I ate so much. I'm so stuffed.
199
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,626
I don't think
I could eat even one more bite.
200
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:49,005
I think if I ate even one more bite
I might barf.''
201
00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:51,591
Then you could be like
[Ian funny voice] ''That would be okay.''
202
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:58,180
[crowd laughing and applauding]
203
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:04,604
I am... I'm 33 years old now.
204
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,148
Which means
when I start dating a woman,
205
00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:09,775
I have to think about whether or not
this is the kind of person
206
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,861
I want to start a family with, right?
207
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:16,157
Which is weird because I'm definitely
at that age, but not ready to be a dad.
208
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,034
For a number of reasons.
209
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:22,705
One of which is, I was up late last night
googling grilled cheese sandwiches.
210
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:24,540
[crowd laughing]
211
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,167
In bed, I was like,
212
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,377
''I have a big day tomorrow.
I should hit the sack.''
213
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,004
[crowd laughing]
214
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:31,297
''But first...''
215
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,884
[crowd laughing]
216
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:37,428
''What's new
with grilled cheese sandwiches, right?''
217
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,639
There was a lot. So, I was up late.
218
00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:43,434
I'm not even ready to be an uncle.
219
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:46,062
Even the word uncle
still creeps me out, right?
220
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:49,565
Uncle. Right?
It's kind of a creepy word. Uncle. Uncle.
221
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,067
Uncle.
222
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,443
[crowd laughing]
223
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:55,446
I was home visiting my family recently
and I texted my sister.
224
00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:58,949
I was like ''Hey, do you have the kids?
I'm looking for some uncle time.''
225
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:05,289
[crowd laughing]
226
00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,291
And my phone,
227
00:11:08,417 --> 00:11:09,585
on it's own,
228
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,253
called the police.
229
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:16,759
-It's like...
-[crowd laughing and applauding]
230
00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:22,765
So, listen I gotta go.
231
00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:24,892
[crowd laughing]
232
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:28,979
The whole deal with stand up comedies
is you're supposed to end with a big joke.
233
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,982
That's the social contract
we've all agreed to here.
234
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,610
One big last joke.
235
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:36,987
I'm supposed to be like...
''Ta-dah, tada, tada, tada.''
236
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,615
And you go ''What?
You did it again, Karmel.''
237
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,367
[crowd laughing]
238
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:45,037
Right? Maybe there's even a call back.
I'm like ''Bla-bla, bla-bla.''
239
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:48,708
Like the bouncer at the Olive Garden?
And you're like ''From earlier?''
240
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,252
ta-dah, tada
241
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:55,047
You laugh so hard. You have so much energy
you don't know what to do with it.
242
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:58,300
One of you gets up and starts
crip walking You've never done it, but...
243
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,720
you have so much energy
you have to do something with it.
244
00:12:01,595 --> 00:12:03,597
That's what's supposed to happen, right?
245
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,645
[crowd laughing]
246
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,147
Not tonight.
247
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,232
[crowd laughing]
248
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,860
Tonight is just gonna kind of be over.
249
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,820
[crowd laughing]
250
00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:19,155
It's gonna feel weird.
251
00:12:20,614 --> 00:12:23,826
It's gonna feel weird and incomplete.
It is. It's gonna be weird.
252
00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,705
But weird can be good, right?
253
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:31,083
Weird can be good. Weird can be
more memorable than good.
254
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,878
That's for sure. Weird can be more
memorable than good.
255
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:37,506
Like, what if at the end of The Lion King,
256
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,885
Simba just turned
and stared right down the camera.
257
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,511
[crowd laughing]
258
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,346
He's just like: "Fuck me, daddy."
259
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,848
And then the movie was over.
260
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:47,933
-[crowd laughing]
-[Ian begins shouting]
261
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:52,229
Exact same movie up until that point.
Everything else is the same.
262
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,815
Mufasa dies. He meets Timon and Pumba.
263
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:58,277
He takes back pride rock and then,
fuck me, daddy. And it's over.
264
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,362
[crowd laughing]
265
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:05,826
[hysterical laughter]
266
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,369
Is that a better movie?
267
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:09,538
[crowd laughing]
268
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:10,873
It's not a better movie.
269
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:18,255
[crowd laughing]
270
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,007
Would you think about it more often?
271
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:25,971
[crowd laughing]
272
00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:29,433
I think you would think about
The Lion King everyday.
273
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:32,728
I think you would.
274
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,315
I think you'd be lying in bed,
after a long day, like:
275
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:40,069
[Ian yawning] ''It was a good day.
You ate right. You exercised.
276
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:44,532
Let's do it again tomorrow.
Let's make it a habit. How about that?''
277
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:56,919
[crowd laughing]
278
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,421
Stop it, it's a children's movie.
279
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,466
[crowd laughing]
280
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:06,345
-[crowd laughing]
-[Ian snoring gently]
281
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:10,891
-[Ian snoring loud]
-[crowd laughing and applauding]
282
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,727
[Ian continuously snoring]
283
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:18,357
[crowd laughing]
284
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:28,492
-[microphone sound]
-[crowd laughing]
285
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:36,917
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
-[rhythmic music]
286
00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:41,517
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