Original subtitles

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

[rhythmic music]

-[rhythmic music] -[crowd wowing and applauding]

[crowd continuously applauding]

[Ian shouting] Hello! Hello, hello, hello.

What's up?

[crowd applauding]

Listen, I have to admit something.

I grew this mustache thinking it would be funny for this special

and it has fucked up my entire life.

-[crowd laughing] -It's giving me an identity crisis.

I'm a Jewish. I'm on of those Jewish.

You guys have seen us around. Jewish... and argh...

[crowd laughing]

I don't look Jewish at all. I look so Italian right now. It's crazy.

I look like the cover of a pizza box. It's like...

[crowd laughing]

Just like mama used to make.

[crowd laughing]

I look like I've only ever had meat-the-balls... that were spicy.

-Haw! -[crowd laughing]

I look like the bouncer at America's nicest Olive Garden.

-That's... -[crowd laughing]

That's my aesthetic. I also have to say this, which is interesting.

I... em...

This isn't my first time working for Netflix.

I actually worked for Netflix one time before.

I worked at Netflix's customer service call center.

[crowd laughing]

In Portland, Oregon. Right when I was first starting out comedy.

People are like, that was a terrible job, right? It was not.

It was an amazing job.

Sometimes really old people would call, who had no idea how Netflix worked...

[crowd laughing]

...and it was amazing.

-[crowd laughing] -Cause you'd be like:

''Beep. Thank you for calling Netflix. What can I do for you tonight?''

They'd be like: [funny voice]

''Why does Forrest Gump have AIDS in this movie?''

[crowd laughing and applauding]

Great question.

Let's get your account pulled up and take a look really quick.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

It's because you're watching Philadelphia. Thank you for calling Netflix.

[crowd laughing]

I have a girlfriend, which is weird

because I look like I'm in the middle of a really bad breakup... all the time.

[crowd laughing]

I'm glad I have a girlfriend because I don't have to be on Tinder.

I'm not gonna be one of those comedians that talks shit about Tinder.

But, I will say, Tinder will introduce you to new ways to get your feelings hurt...

that did not exist before.

[crowd laughing]

I matched with a woman on Tinder and we were messaging.

It was flirty and fun. I was excited about it.

Then she sent me the following message.

She said: "You're cute.

You're like a chubby Jack Black."

[crowd laughing]

[lady laughing out loud]

[crowd laughing]

Jack Black is a fat person.

[crowd laughing]

[lady laughing out loud]

She told me I was cute like a chubby version of an already fat person.

The worst part is she's 100% right.

I do look like a fatter Jack Black. That's how I look.

If you saw me on the cover of US Weekly,

you'd be like ''Oh, Jack, get it together. Come on.''

[crowd laughing]

[Ian shouting] That wasn't even the worst one.

I matched with a woman on Tinder. We hadn't even messaged yet.

But I was reading her profile.

Down at the bottom it said:

''Oh, by the way, no endomorphic body types. Sorry.''

That's just me. Right? [laugh sound]

And I...

don't know what endomorphic means.

-Em... -[crowd laughing]

I made some guesses. I went to college. I made some guesses.

Endomorphic. Probably, body of an insect.

Right? Body of an insect. Good for her for putting that out, right?

She'd probably been burnt before. Went on a couple dates with a guy.

It was going great. They went back to her place and were making out.

She unbuttoned his shirt. Thorax. There was a thorax there.

[crowd laughing]

[Ian shouting] Then I looked it up.

And it turns out endomorphic...

just another term for fat guy.

I had to google an insult that day,

[crowd laughing]

Do you know how much worse that is? To not know something, look it up,

and have it immediately hurt your feelings?

That's like getting a treasure map, digging up the chest, opening it,

and bees and bats. That's all that's in there.

[crowd laughing]

If you don't wanna fuck a fat guy, just say that.

You don't have to fuck a fat guy. Nobody here has to fuck a fat guy.

If you wanna fuck a fat guy, feel free.

But, you don't have to fuck a fat guy. Don't make me solve a fucking riddle.

Am I trying to date the Sphynx?

[crowd laughing and applauding]

-Thank you. -[crowd applauding]

Clearly over it. I'm fine. It's fine.

[crowd laughing]

Every time I go through a breakup, I try to learn a lesson from that breakup.

I try to learn at least one lesson from every breakup.

The lesson I learned from my last breakup is...

when you go through a breakup, in this day and age,

you have to protect yourself on social media.

You do. Right? You have to protect yourself on social media.

Cause it's not natural to keep interacting with someone after you breakup.

Online or anywhere else. Twenty years ago not an issue.

Twenty years ago you breakup with someone and you see them once... 9 months later.

Like, at a Sears or whatever. Right?

You're hanging out at Sears like tires, tires, Diane!

[crowd laughing]

[lady laughing hysterically]

That's what I did in my last breakup. I...

I blocked her on Twitter. I unfriended her on Facebook.

I unfollowed her on Instagram. I did all that stuff.

What I forgot to do, was unfriend her mother on Facebook.

Which was very weird because she just kept carrying on like

she and I had been friends before I started dating her daughter.

It weirded me out. I would react negatively.

She'd comment and I'd be like, [shouting]

''No, Susan, that part of the deal is over.''

If you want to know which Gilmore Girl you are, you go to Buzzfeed.

[crowd laughing]

Suki doesn't play that.

[crowd laughing]

I'm a Suki.

[crowd laughing]

I thought I was a Loreli for the longest time, but...

[crowd laughing]

That's what Suki would think.

-[crowd laughing] -[Ian making laughter sound]

That was her mother during the breakup.

My mother during the breakup was amazing.

My mother had my back to an extent that...

I don't know if I can believe anything she ever tells me again. Alright?

She flip flopped on my girlfriend so fast.

I'm like ''Have you ever truly believed anything, right?''

The day before the breakup my mom was like,

''I like you girlfriend so much.

She's so neat, and nice, and sweet, and pretty.

I might like her more than you.

Just kidding, you're my special boy. But I love her, too.''

[crowd laughing]

And then we broke up.

And the very next day my mom was like

[Making scary voice] ''The devil lives in that woman.

Blood flows not through her veins

rather an endless parade of fire ants cascading

back and forth through her ever blackening soul.

I've taken the liberty of surrounding our home

in a circle of sacred ash from a volcano that hasn't erupted in 10 millenia.

If the she-devil makes it past the circle,

you go to the barn, take a jackrabbit and dip him in the blood of a mule

we've been keeping there for just such an occasion.

You send the jackrabbit out the door, the she-beast will catch its sent

and give chase.

That'll buy you just enough time to grab the children,

head out the backdoor and make for higher ground.''

[crowd laughing and applauding]

-Thank you, thank you. -[crowd wowing and applauding]

[crowd applauding]

Don't clap for me, clap for my mother.

The actress, Sam Elliot. That's my mother.

[crowd laughing and applauding]

As hard as it can be to find love in this day and age,

I am grateful,

that I'm into fairly pedestrian sex, right?

I'm into just basic sex.

The hits. I'm into...

Now that's what I call sex, volume 1. Like that's...

[crowd laughing]

Cause it's gotta be so hard to be into really freaky stuff.

And at the same time,

find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Cause everything else still has to be there.

You still have to like the same movies and hate the same music.

Get along with each other's parents.

On top of that, she has to be okay with dressing like a mongoose.

[crowd laughing]

And pretending your penis is a cobra.

-Yeahe! -[crowd laughing]

-When do you even bring that up? -[crowd laughing]

I think the perfect time to tell someone what you're into...

is on the first date.

You know, after dinner, but before dessert.

Because that... at least that way you've gotten to know each other.

Worst case, you got a meal out of it, you know?

Then after dinner they bring those little menus.

They're like ''I dunno if you saved room but this blueberry ganache bullshit

is what I'm supposed to tell you to eat.''

[crowd laughing]

Then your date can be like ''Ah, I ate so much. I'm so stuffed.

I don't think I could eat even one more bite.

I think if I ate even one more bite I might barf.''

Then you could be like [Ian funny voice] ''That would be okay.''

[crowd laughing and applauding]

I am... I'm 33 years old now.

Which means when I start dating a woman,

I have to think about whether or not this is the kind of person

I want to start a family with, right?

Which is weird because I'm definitely at that age, but not ready to be a dad.

For a number of reasons.

One of which is, I was up late last night googling grilled cheese sandwiches.

[crowd laughing]

In bed, I was like,

''I have a big day tomorrow. I should hit the sack.''

[crowd laughing]

''But first...''

[crowd laughing]

''What's new with grilled cheese sandwiches, right?''

There was a lot. So, I was up late.

I'm not even ready to be an uncle.

Even the word uncle still creeps me out, right?

Uncle. Right? It's kind of a creepy word. Uncle. Uncle.

Uncle.

[crowd laughing]

I was home visiting my family recently and I texted my sister.

I was like ''Hey, do you have the kids? I'm looking for some uncle time.''

[crowd laughing]

And my phone,

on it's own,

called the police.

-It's like... -[crowd laughing and applauding]

So, listen I gotta go.

[crowd laughing]

The whole deal with stand up comedies is you're supposed to end with a big joke.

That's the social contract we've all agreed to here.

One big last joke.

I'm supposed to be like... ''Ta-dah, tada, tada, tada.''

And you go ''What? You did it again, Karmel.''

[crowd laughing]

Right? Maybe there's even a call back. I'm like ''Bla-bla, bla-bla.''

Like the bouncer at the Olive Garden? And you're like ''From earlier?''

ta-dah, tada

You laugh so hard. You have so much energy you don't know what to do with it.

One of you gets up and starts crip walking You've never done it, but...

you have so much energy you have to do something with it.

That's what's supposed to happen, right?

[crowd laughing]

Not tonight.

[crowd laughing]

Tonight is just gonna kind of be over.

[crowd laughing]

It's gonna feel weird.

It's gonna feel weird and incomplete. It is. It's gonna be weird.

But weird can be good, right?

Weird can be good. Weird can be more memorable than good.

That's for sure. Weird can be more memorable than good.

Like, what if at the end of The Lion King,

Simba just turned and stared right down the camera.

[crowd laughing]

He's just like: "Fuck me, daddy."

And then the movie was over.

-[crowd laughing] -[Ian begins shouting]

Exact same movie up until that point. Everything else is the same.

Mufasa dies. He meets Timon and Pumba.

He takes back pride rock and then, fuck me, daddy. And it's over.

[crowd laughing]

[hysterical laughter]

Is that a better movie?

[crowd laughing]

It's not a better movie.

[crowd laughing]

Would you think about it more often?

[crowd laughing]

I think you would think about The Lion King everyday.

I think you would.

I think you'd be lying in bed, after a long day, like:

[Ian yawning] ''It was a good day. You ate right. You exercised.

Let's do it again tomorrow. Let's make it a habit. How about that?''

[crowd laughing]

Stop it, it's a children's movie.

[crowd laughing]

-[crowd laughing] -[Ian snoring gently]

-[Ian snoring loud] -[crowd laughing and applauding]

[Ian continuously snoring]

[crowd laughing]

-[microphone sound] -[crowd laughing]

-[crowd cheering and applauding] -[rhythmic music]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0