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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
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-[rhythmic music]
-[crowd cheering]
3
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[crowd cheering]
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-What's up, bitches? How ya'll doiiiiiing?
-[crowd cheering]
5
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Oh, my...
6
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God!
7
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You guys are cute. Oh, hey bitch.
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[crowd laughing]
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I'm doing really well.
Very exciting time for me.
10
00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:48,214
I just turned 40. Whaaaat?
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[crowd wowing and applauding]
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I know, thank you so much.
13
00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:55,305
I don't look 40, at all,
because I'm happy.
14
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-[crowd laughing]
-And...
15
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I'll take it. My friends are like:
16
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"Girl, shit's gonna change when you're 40.
You just see."
17
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I'm like: "Shut up.
What you talking about?"
18
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-But, like a light switch, it changed.
-[crowd laughing]
19
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The minute I turned 40 I was like,
I am all about comfort.
20
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I have to be comfortable all the time.
21
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I can't wear anything with buttons.
Not with these tig 'ol bitties.
22
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-Are you serious?
-[crowd laughing]
23
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The right breast is bigger,
so it's always trying to come out.
24
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-[crowd laughing]
-I call it John McCain. It's like a P.O.W.
25
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[crowd continuously laughing]
26
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I was at San Francisco airport.
They had a breastfeeding room.
27
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I just went in there and took my bra off
for two hours.
28
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-[crowd laughing]
-I'm all about that comfort.
29
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This lady was like: "Do you have a baby?"
30
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-I'm like: "Mind your business, bitch.
-[crowd laughing]
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I'm freeing my nipple. I'm 40."
32
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[crowd laughing]
33
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Fortyyyy?
34
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I also realized, at 40,
I cannot fake the funk anymore.
35
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I used to be so good at small talk.
It was my jam, you know?
36
00:01:57,700 --> 00:02:00,995
I see someone, I'm like:
"Oh, my God, those earrings. Yaeees.
37
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:03,957
Are those Etsy? What? You made them?
Oh, my God."
38
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-Fuck her.
-[crowd laughing]
39
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,712
I don't care. I am so transparent,
right now. I don't care.
40
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,506
It's too obvious, though.
41
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I feel like Steve Harvey,
Family Feud obvious.
42
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You know?
43
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He is always happier
to see the black families
44
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than he is the white.
45
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-[crowd laughing]
-What?
46
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He's like: "We got the McLaughlin's.''
47
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[Michelle shouting]
''And we got the Jones'."
48
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[crowd laughing and applauding]
49
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I hurt my neck.
50
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[crowd laughing]
51
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Fortyyy.
52
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[crowd laughing]
53
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I also realized at 40,
I got too many friends.
54
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Why do I know all these dummies?
55
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I feel like a friend hoarder.
They're just collecting dust.
56
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I feel like I'm running a soup kitchen.
57
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These bitches come over with�Tupperware
and blankets. What you doing?
58
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My husband was like: "Babe,
why you know so many people?
59
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Stop knowing so many people.
Can you stop making eye contact?"
60
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-I'm like: "I'll try."
-[crowd laughing]
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I had to take a deep dive and think about
why I know all these people.
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And real talk. I think it's because...
63
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-I want a dope ass funeral.
-[crowd laughing]
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I do. I want it, like, standing room only.
A hashtag.
65
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-Maybe a dance mob breaks out.
-[crowd laughing]
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I want it to be multicultural.
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I want it to look like the audience
for Hamilton the Musical.
68
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I might even have a destination funeral.
69
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-I don't know.
-[crowd laughing]
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You might want to know me, bitch.
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[crowd laughing]
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It's been a very interesting year
for me because...
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a lot of my guy friends have come out...
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as predators.
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[crowd continuously laughing]
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I always knew, but it was their journey
to figure it ouuuuut.
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[crowd applauding and laughing]
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[crowd continuously laughing]
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Good guy friends,
comedian guys, call me up,
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talking about: ''I don't know
if I assaulted or offended somebody.''
81
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I'm like:
"How do you not mother-fucking know, aw?
82
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Read the goddamn room, man."
83
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If it looks like she's breathing bad air
and she's said no three or four times,
84
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it's a no, aw!
85
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Also, guys, don't take your dick out.
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[crowd laughing]
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Who's taking their dick out?
88
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Nobody wants to see your dick.
89
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Nobody wants to see your dick.
90
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You know somebody wants to see it
if they say, let me see your dick.
91
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[crowd laughing]
92
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,991
-I want to see that dick.
-[crowd applauding]
93
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That's how you know somebody want
to see your dick, guys.
94
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Come on.
95
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Matt Lauer, nobody wants to see
your crusty, bitter dick.
96
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,000
-Yuck.
-[crowd laughing]
97
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,502
Louis C.K. nobody wants to see
that ginger dick.
98
00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:56,713
-No, thank you.
-[crowd laughing]
99
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Harvey Weinstein?
100
00:04:58,214 --> 00:05:00,425
-[sounds of vomiting]
-[crowd laughing]
101
00:05:00,591 --> 00:05:03,094
Nobody wants to see
that pastrami mess. Yuck.
102
00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,096
-[crowd laughing]
-Charlie Rose?
103
00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:07,890
How did he get his adult diaper off
to show his dick?
104
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,225
I don't know!
105
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,311
[crowd applauding and laughing]
106
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:13,146
What? James Franco?
107
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Put a pin in that shit.
I want to see his dick.
108
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[crowd laughing]
109
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James Franco, I want to see your dick.
110
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[crowd laughing and applauding]
111
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-Ooh! I want to see James Franco's dick.
-[crowd applauding]
112
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James Franco, I want to see your dick.
113
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[crowd continuously laughing]
114
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If you come to a party at my house,
please do not bring your dick.
115
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[crowd laughing]
116
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Bring ros� and hummus, okay?
117
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[crowd laughing]
118
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And some pita chips.
Ooh, so salty and crunchy. Yes.
119
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[crowd laughing]
120
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Nobody wants to see that dick.
121
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,472
[crowd laughing]
122
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Nobody wants to see your dick.
123
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[crowd laughing]
124
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[Michelle coughing]
He-he.
125
00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:54,103
[crowd laughing]
126
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Oh, my God.
127
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[crowd continuously laughing]
128
00:05:58,232 --> 00:05:59,859
Now, he talks to his friend.
129
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''No one wants
to see my dick? No one told me.''
130
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:04,405
[Michelle shouting]
Yeah, man, I'm telling you now.
131
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I got a special, a microphone, lashes.
Nobody wants to see your dick.
132
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-[crowd laughing]
-[Michelle laughing]
133
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[Michelle takes deep breath]
Oh, my God.
134
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:16,125
I go out on a lot of big,
Hollywood auditions ya'll.
135
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,044
Ooh! Real big stuff.
136
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:20,630
Real big Hollywood stuff.
137
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:25,718
Most of the characters I go in for
are described as tired, mom...
138
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,303
[crowd laughing]
139
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,930
...real looking body...
140
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,848
[crowd laughing]
141
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,017
...just lost a bunch of weight.
142
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-That's my look.
-[crowd laughing]
143
00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:39,107
The favorite thing...
My most favorite thing I go in for...
144
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Oh, my God this is so juicy.
145
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It's called open ethnicity.
146
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[crowd laughing]
147
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-The fuck is that?
-[crowd laughing]
148
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Open ethnicity? Think about that.
149
00:06:48,991 --> 00:06:52,078
How open are we talking right now
with this ethnicity?
150
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:55,248
Also, isn't open ethnicity just human?
151
00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:56,666
[crowd laughing]
152
00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,585
I go to these auditions.
Open ethnicity auditions.
153
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:02,463
It's Indian girls, Chinese girls.
Spanish girls, black girls.
154
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:03,548
I'm like, ooh,
155
00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:07,135
this is a politically correct way
of saying, everybody white.
156
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,846
And you get to be the ethnic neighbor.
157
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Let's find out what neighborhood
we're gonna be in.
158
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,475
[crowd laughing]
159
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:15,726
And they'll never say:
160
00:07:16,018 --> 00:07:18,020
''We're looking for a black girl,
African American.''
161
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:21,232
They'll just say shit like:
"Looking for someone who's sassy,
162
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,526
real confident,
163
00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:25,528
can tell it like it is.
164
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Doesn't want to get her hair wet
in a hot tub." What?
165
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,367
[crowd laughing]
166
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,995
-How the fuck they know?
-[crowd laughing]
167
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,414
How the fuck they know brown titties?
168
00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:38,249
[crowd laughing]
169
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,334
Look at these cute little black people,
170
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,920
looking like Oprah's book club
right in the corner.
171
00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:44,505
-[crowd laughing]
-Yes!
172
00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:46,174
Waiting for your free present.
173
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:47,467
[crowd laughing]
174
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:48,759
How old are you?
175
00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:52,680
You're 20? Oh, my God,
my abortion is older than you.
176
00:07:52,763 --> 00:07:54,474
[crowd laughing and applauding]
177
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:57,894
There's a reason why I want to take care
of him is what I'm saying.
178
00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,687
[crowd laughing]
179
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Calm down.
180
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,316
[crowd laughing]
181
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:06,903
Also, a very exciting time for me
because I just got married. What?
182
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:08,988
[crowd cheering and applauding]
183
00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:10,948
I got married seven years ago,
184
00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,493
but we're still paying for it,
so it feels new.
185
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,246
My husband's so cute. He's white,
but I like him anyway.
186
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,456
Hum!
187
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:21,125
He's European. He's the real deal. What?
188
00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:23,544
He's from Holland
which is also called the Netherlands.
189
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,630
I was like ''Too many names. Pick one.''
190
00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:27,089
[crowd laughing]
191
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,300
I was so surprised when he proposed.
192
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,303
I had no idea he was gonna do it,
cause he met me.
193
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:33,221
Haw!
194
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,848
And we went on
our first vacation together.
195
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:39,560
We went to the South of Spain,
cause that's the Jersey Shore in Europe.
196
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I said, I'll take it.
197
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:41,938
[crowd laughing]
198
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,024
We went for three days,
and I'll never forget those three days,
199
00:08:45,107 --> 00:08:47,235
cause I didn't fart
for those three days...
200
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:52,448
[crowd continuously laughing]
201
00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:53,866
...just held it in.
202
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,117
[crowd laughing]
203
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,702
Nobody wanna see that.
204
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,664
[crowd laughing]
205
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:03,501
He was being so extra.
I couldn't figure out why.
206
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:05,461
The first night we were there�he was like:
207
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,838
"How about we take
a motorcycle ride together,
208
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:11,175
up a really big mountain at night
to see fireworks?"
209
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,094
And I was like: "For fuck what?''
210
00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:15,304
[crowd laughing]
211
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:18,140
''Is somebody chasing us?
Are we running from the law?
212
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,352
I don't wanna do that shit.
That sounds dangerous, boo boo."
213
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:23,229
[crowd laughing]
214
00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:24,689
Then the next day he says:
215
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:27,984
"Hey babe, how about we take
a sailboat on the Mediterranean Sea?
216
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,402
I'll sail it myself."
217
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:31,696
I was like: "Look here,
Christopher Columbus,''
218
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,698
[crowd laughing]
219
00:09:33,781 --> 00:09:35,116
''do you know how to sail?"
220
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:38,744
He was like: "I'll figure it out."
And I was like: "The fuck you will.''
221
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:39,787
[crowd laughing]
222
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:42,081
''You ain't gonna have me
on the Mediterranean Sea,
223
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,625
like Elian Gonzalez,
holding on for my fucking life."
224
00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:45,543
[crowd laughing]
225
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:48,462
This is the shit about European people.
They are so confident,
226
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,715
because they've had healthcare
their whole lives.
227
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:51,966
[crowd applauding]
228
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:54,927
No. You should see this mother fucker
crossing the street.
229
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:57,179
-[continuously applauding]
-So confident.
230
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,599
[continuously applauding and laughing]
231
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,726
The last night he was there he was like:
232
00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:04,103
"Hey babe, how about
we take a bottle of champagne
233
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:07,898
to the beach and drink it?"
I was like: "Yes, bitch that is my speed."
234
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,442
[crowd laughing]
235
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:12,028
The minute he said that, I was like:
"I want to see your dick."
236
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:13,946
-[Michelle huffs]
-[crowd laughing]
237
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:17,992
-[Michelle laughs ironically]
-[crowd laughing and applauding]
238
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:20,703
So, we get to the beach
and he's not opening the champagne.
239
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:23,831
I'm eye-fucking that bottle.
When's he gonna open that champagne?
240
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:27,710
Then he goes, there's a little mountain
over there. Let's climb it.
241
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:30,880
I was like,
for fuck's sake Bear Grylls. Whyyyyy?
242
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:32,173
[crowd laughing]
243
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:36,218
I wanted to be a team player.
I didn't want to be an angry Raven-Symone.
244
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,845
-So, I was like, okay!
-[crowd laughing]
245
00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:40,306
''Okay, let's climb this mountain.''
246
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,059
[crowd laughing]
247
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:45,811
We're climbing this mountain.
He goes: "This looks like a good spot."
248
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,772
I was like: "For what? Okay.''
249
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:49,815
Then he's sweatier than usual.
250
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,901
I was like:
"Did you do drugs without me?''
251
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:53,402
[crowd laughing]
252
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,987
''Cause that's rude."
253
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:57,657
[crowd laughing]
254
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,368
Then he started having rom-com tourette's.
255
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:03,496
He's like: "I love you. You complete me.
You had me at hello.
256
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:04,705
Let's save the bookstore."
257
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,583
[Michelle shouting] I'm like:
"What the fuck is wrong with you?
258
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:10,711
Are you having an aneurysm?
Do you smell toast?
259
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,172
Look at me in the eye.
What's going on?
260
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:16,676
I don't watch enough Grey's Anatomy
to know what the fuck to do.
261
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,761
How do I climb down a mountain?''
262
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,263
[crowd laughing]
263
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,016
Then he busted out the ring.
He's like: "I'm trying to marry you."
264
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,852
I was like:� "Oh, I thought
you were trying to kill meeeee, ah."
265
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:30,815
[crowd laughing]
266
00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:33,109
And I've been looking
at his dick ever since.
267
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,319
[crowd laughing and applauding]
268
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,905
-Ooh! Clap for my husband's dick.
-[crowd applauding]
269
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,907
Clap for my husband's dick.
270
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:44,620
[crowd cheering and applauding]
271
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,497
The day before the election,
272
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:49,583
November 7th, 2016.
I had a big to-do list.
273
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,669
I didn't know who was going to win.
274
00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:53,754
I didn't know what would happen
with my healthcare.
275
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,589
I was like,
let me get all the holes checked
276
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,675
cause I'm too cute for bacteria.
277
00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:58,968
[crowd laughing]
278
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,178
So, I made an appointment
for a pap schmear.
279
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,264
[crowd laughing]
280
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,808
Yes, a pap schmear.
I go with bagels and lox,
281
00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:08,227
and thinly sliced red onions, capers.
282
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:09,937
-[crowd laughing]
-[Michelle huffs]
283
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:11,689
I'm not into fashion advice,
284
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,942
but, ladies, do not wear a onesie
or romper to your pap smear
285
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,862
because you will be the creepy,
naked girl at the office.
286
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:20,906
[crowd laughing]
287
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,451
I'm a good person. I'm a good host.
288
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:26,787
I know it's an awkward situation. I like
to have a good rapport with my doctor.
289
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,707
He's so old I don't know
if he can hear me half the time.
290
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,418
He's not like Idris Elba
or George Clooney.
291
00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:35,045
He sort of look like Bernie Sanders
with scoliosis.
292
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,964
[crowd laughing]
293
00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:39,508
I don't know what kind of day he's had,
but, when he's with me,
294
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,594
I put scented lotion on my feet,
295
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,972
so, he gets notes of vanilla
from Victoria's Secret.
296
00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:46,807
-[crowd laughing]
-He-he!
297
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,893
Half the time he can't even find the hole.
298
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,270
I'm like, get in there, doctor. Get in.
299
00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:54,190
I call it the Holland Tunnel
because my husband is Dutch.
300
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,608
-Whaaaaaat?
-[crowd laughing]
301
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:57,985
-Yes, honey. We have jokes.
-[crowd applauding]
302
00:12:58,068 --> 00:13:00,738
Yes, it's cheaper on the other side.
Helloooooo?
303
00:13:01,530 --> 00:13:04,200
That's a joke about Jersey and my asshole.
Keep up.
304
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:06,911
[crowd laughing]
305
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,872
My doctor goes, are you and your husband
voting for the same person?
306
00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:11,957
I was like, of course, Doctor.
307
00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:14,877
He pops his little E.T. head up.
He's like, ''Well,
308
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:18,255
I'm a doctor. I'm Republican.
I have to go Trump.''
309
00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:21,592
Then goes back down inside me
with the instrument. I was like, the fuck?
310
00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,177
[crowd laughing]
311
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:26,138
I felt so violated. I was like, damn.
312
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,224
If my momma told me once,
she told me twice.
313
00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:31,018
You don't tell somebody
who you're voting for inside them.
314
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:33,187
[crowd laughing]
315
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:37,525
I'm a real kind of see something,
say something kind of bitch.
316
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,319
I felt like I had to take back the night.
317
00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:42,613
[crowd laughing]
318
00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:44,532
So, I just... farted a little bit.
319
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:48,160
[crowd laughing and applauding]
320
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,370
Don't give me that shit.
321
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:50,746
[crowd laughing]
322
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,498
Even my fart sounded like a question.
323
00:13:52,581 --> 00:13:54,458
-It was like, whyyyyyy?
-[crowd laughing]
324
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,961
I saw the look of stank
come over his face
325
00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:58,546
and he was like... ugh!
326
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:03,634
I was like, sorry Doctor, but
this is what democracy smells liiiiiiiike.
327
00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:05,302
[crowd cheering and applauding]
328
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:07,847
You guys have been wonderful.
Thank you so much...
329
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,558
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
-...for listening to me...
330
00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:13,394
...for listening to meeeee, ahhhhh.
331
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:18,732
-[rhythmic music]
-[crowd cheering and applauding]
332
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:25,698
-[rhythmic music]
-[crowd applauding and cheering]
333
00:14:25,748 --> 00:14:30,298
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