All language subtitles for The Comedians s01e09 Damage Control.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,500 --> 00:00:03,010 - Good morning. - Morning, Billy. 2 00:00:03,035 --> 00:00:04,278 - How are you today? - I'm good, how are you? 3 00:00:04,303 --> 00:00:06,257 Good. Keep me safe. 4 00:00:06,282 --> 00:00:07,749 - Okay, have a great day. - See ya. 5 00:00:08,052 --> 00:00:11,287 Yeah. Good g... 6 00:00:14,914 --> 00:00:17,115 [sighs] 7 00:00:17,182 --> 00:00:18,783 Oh, boy. 8 00:00:18,851 --> 00:00:20,385 Look how he parks. 9 00:00:20,452 --> 00:00:22,453 Every day, he's a little over the line. 10 00:00:22,521 --> 00:00:24,455 I don't think I can get in there. 11 00:00:24,523 --> 00:00:26,524 This is like my mother in a shoe store. 12 00:00:26,592 --> 00:00:29,027 "I'm a seven, dear. What size are those?" 13 00:00:29,094 --> 00:00:30,361 "Those are a four." 14 00:00:30,429 --> 00:00:32,263 "Uh, I'll take them." 15 00:00:32,331 --> 00:00:34,432 [door hits car] It's ridiculous. 16 00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:36,301 God damn it. 17 00:00:36,368 --> 00:00:39,170 [cheers and applause] 18 00:00:39,238 --> 00:00:41,873 Thank you. Thank you. 19 00:00:41,941 --> 00:00:44,042 We got a... we got a great show for you guys tonight, 20 00:00:44,109 --> 00:00:45,944 so I just wanted to tell you, I met this girl the other day. 21 00:00:46,011 --> 00:00:47,378 - Well, made love to this... - Josh, before we... before we... 22 00:00:47,446 --> 00:00:48,613 - Yeah? - Move on. 23 00:00:48,681 --> 00:00:50,281 We have to talk about parking. 24 00:00:50,349 --> 00:00:54,052 How... how he parks, or doesn't park. 25 00:00:54,119 --> 00:00:55,520 (Josh) For the record, I literally have no idea 26 00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:56,955 what's happening right now. Okay, go on. 27 00:00:57,022 --> 00:00:58,590 Yeah, no, we... we... we park right next to each other 28 00:00:58,657 --> 00:00:59,657 in the lot right outside. 29 00:00:59,692 --> 00:01:00,792 Right. 30 00:01:00,859 --> 00:01:02,219 He gets here a little bit before me 31 00:01:02,227 --> 00:01:05,363 every day so he can park partially in my spot. 32 00:01:05,431 --> 00:01:07,065 Here's what he does. Take a look at this. 33 00:01:07,132 --> 00:01:08,032 Look at that. 34 00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:09,767 [laughter and applause] 35 00:01:09,835 --> 00:01:12,637 I took this this morning, 36 00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:13,705 because he's always a little bit in my spot. 37 00:01:13,730 --> 00:01:15,173 [sighs] [clears throat] 38 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,474 And I pull in, and here's how I have to park. 39 00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:18,743 Oh, that's fun. 40 00:01:18,811 --> 00:01:19,811 Oh, that's not fun. 41 00:01:19,878 --> 00:01:21,779 How can I get my car in? 42 00:01:21,847 --> 00:01:24,482 (Billy) My car. I can't get my car in. 43 00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:25,984 (Billy) And then getting out is fun 44 00:01:26,051 --> 00:01:27,919 'cause then it's this and it's like that. 45 00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:29,587 Well... 46 00:01:29,655 --> 00:01:30,655 Uh... 47 00:01:30,723 --> 00:01:32,023 You know what? 48 00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:33,057 They gotta paint the lines wider. 49 00:01:33,125 --> 00:01:34,125 - The lines wider? - Yeah. 50 00:01:34,159 --> 00:01:35,793 No, just come in straight. 51 00:01:35,861 --> 00:01:37,862 It's like parking next to Marty Feldman's eye. 52 00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:39,897 - Oh. - It's like... 53 00:01:39,965 --> 00:01:43,568 Marty Feldman, that's a good reference for the FX audience. 54 00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:45,236 (Josh) That's good. 55 00:01:45,304 --> 00:01:46,237 I wouldn't have brought it up, 56 00:01:46,305 --> 00:01:48,139 but you cracked my tail light. 57 00:01:48,207 --> 00:01:50,108 [audience reacts] 58 00:01:50,175 --> 00:01:52,010 Denis. 59 00:01:52,077 --> 00:01:53,911 He whispered something to you during the opening. 60 00:01:53,979 --> 00:01:55,313 Yes, he did. He whispered... 61 00:01:55,381 --> 00:01:56,848 He whispered something, yes. 62 00:01:56,915 --> 00:01:58,955 Well, what did he say? Did he mention the time slot? 63 00:01:58,984 --> 00:02:01,252 He asked me where the bathroom was... is. 64 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,687 We're getting killed here. There's no promotion. 65 00:02:02,755 --> 00:02:04,155 Every place I look, 66 00:02:04,223 --> 00:02:06,090 I see giant eyes with worms coming out of them. 67 00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:08,192 Where are our giant eyes with worms coming out of them? 68 00:02:08,260 --> 00:02:09,293 Hey, Denis. 69 00:02:09,361 --> 00:02:10,228 - Billy. - Hey. 70 00:02:10,295 --> 00:02:11,562 The show was very funny. 71 00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:12,897 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 72 00:02:12,965 --> 00:02:14,732 Oh, I'm glad, I'm glad. You know, 73 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,300 'cause I saw you from the stage and you looked very serious. 74 00:02:16,356 --> 00:02:18,230 - No. - I mean, very serious. 75 00:02:18,255 --> 00:02:20,590 Yeah, I'm not much of a laugher. 76 00:02:20,658 --> 00:02:21,754 Hardly ever laugh. 77 00:02:21,786 --> 00:02:23,520 - Really? - Yeah, don't enjoy it. 78 00:02:23,588 --> 00:02:25,088 You must be fun in bed. 79 00:02:25,156 --> 00:02:27,724 "I'm putting a baby in you... now." 80 00:02:27,792 --> 00:02:29,659 [laughs] 81 00:02:29,727 --> 00:02:30,994 So listen, Billy... you're probably wondering 82 00:02:31,062 --> 00:02:32,429 about the time slot, and... 83 00:02:32,496 --> 00:02:33,797 You know, not really. It just... just 84 00:02:33,865 --> 00:02:34,865 never crossed my mind. I just, you know, 85 00:02:34,932 --> 00:02:36,266 leave it to you. You know... 86 00:02:36,334 --> 00:02:37,367 I heard you talking about it just now. 87 00:02:37,435 --> 00:02:38,835 - Yeah, I am. - So, we plan on 88 00:02:38,903 --> 00:02:41,638 making a decision any day now. 89 00:02:41,706 --> 00:02:43,607 [laughs] Oh, my God! 90 00:02:43,674 --> 00:02:45,508 Oh, wow! 91 00:02:45,576 --> 00:02:47,477 [Denis laughs] 92 00:02:47,545 --> 00:02:48,979 (Denis) Did you see that guy? 93 00:02:49,046 --> 00:02:50,847 Oh, God. Pew! 94 00:02:50,915 --> 00:02:55,752 [laughs hysterically] 95 00:02:55,820 --> 00:02:59,189 [laughs sheepishly] 96 00:02:59,257 --> 00:03:00,690 Are you okay? 97 00:03:00,758 --> 00:03:02,292 Are you... Denis, are you ok... ? 98 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,360 [laughs] 99 00:03:03,427 --> 00:03:05,462 Oh. Whew. 100 00:03:05,529 --> 00:03:06,997 (female flight attendant) Ladies and gentlemen, 101 00:03:07,064 --> 00:03:10,257 we have reached our cruising altitude of 30,00 feet. 102 00:03:10,282 --> 00:03:12,381 It is now safe to turn on your electrical devices 103 00:03:12,406 --> 00:03:14,974 provided they remain in airplane mode. 104 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,748 In a few minutes, our flight attendants will begin 105 00:03:24,815 --> 00:03:27,417 our beverage services. 106 00:03:27,485 --> 00:03:29,853 We will only accept credit cards at this time. 107 00:03:29,921 --> 00:03:31,924 We no longer take cash. 108 00:03:36,594 --> 00:03:39,496 [grunts] 109 00:03:39,563 --> 00:03:41,698 Thank you for travelling with Air Express. 110 00:03:41,766 --> 00:03:44,134 Have a safe and pleasant journey. 111 00:03:44,201 --> 00:03:45,902 [dings] 112 00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:47,570 [party music and people talking] 113 00:03:47,638 --> 00:03:50,106 [laughter] 114 00:03:50,174 --> 00:03:55,888 [partygoers chatting] 115 00:03:59,044 --> 00:04:01,618 Billy! 116 00:04:01,686 --> 00:04:03,553 [laughs] Hey. 117 00:04:03,621 --> 00:04:05,155 I... I hope you don't mind. 118 00:04:05,222 --> 00:04:06,589 I'm doing this to boost morale. 119 00:04:06,657 --> 00:04:08,158 I bought some booze, 120 00:04:08,225 --> 00:04:09,960 I got a keg, some Pringles. 121 00:04:10,027 --> 00:04:11,127 Those are literally the only things I got. 122 00:04:11,195 --> 00:04:12,696 No, it's a great idea. 123 00:04:12,763 --> 00:04:13,563 - Yeah, 'cause... - Yeah, okay, great. 124 00:04:13,631 --> 00:04:14,798 Nice of you to do this. 125 00:04:14,865 --> 00:04:16,366 Let me get you something. Let me... 126 00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:17,834 Yeah, sure, sure, sure. What do you got here? 127 00:04:17,902 --> 00:04:19,569 Can I get you some Cuervo? 128 00:04:19,637 --> 00:04:21,304 No, you know what? I-I... I'm not gonna drink. 129 00:04:21,372 --> 00:04:22,706 Have a little bit. You sure? 130 00:04:22,773 --> 00:04:25,175 - Yeah. - All right. 131 00:04:25,242 --> 00:04:27,731 [rock music playing] 132 00:04:28,106 --> 00:04:29,879 You're happy in general with the... 133 00:04:29,947 --> 00:04:31,982 With the cue cards are legible and... 134 00:04:32,049 --> 00:04:33,416 Oh, they're great. 135 00:04:33,484 --> 00:04:35,964 I've written some of my own jokes. 136 00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:38,121 If you want to take a gander at some of them. 137 00:04:38,189 --> 00:04:39,522 Fun, fun. 138 00:04:39,590 --> 00:04:40,590 - Yeah. - Good for you. 139 00:04:40,591 --> 00:04:42,025 Why don't you email them to me? 140 00:04:42,093 --> 00:04:44,561 I... I can't email them. 141 00:04:44,628 --> 00:04:47,489 They're already written on the cue cards. 142 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,968 (Mitch) Kristen, it's a very simple sketch. 143 00:04:52,036 --> 00:04:53,670 Billy is lactose intolerant. 144 00:04:53,738 --> 00:04:56,506 Josh is intolerance intolerant. 145 00:04:56,574 --> 00:04:58,575 So Josh throws milk in Billy's face. 146 00:04:58,642 --> 00:05:00,562 What is so hard to understand there? 147 00:05:00,578 --> 00:05:05,482 I think what I am not getting is 148 00:05:05,549 --> 00:05:08,670 who's gonna tell Billy we're throwing milk in his face? 149 00:05:10,488 --> 00:05:12,188 I can't believe he just sold me out 150 00:05:12,256 --> 00:05:13,256 on camera 151 00:05:13,257 --> 00:05:14,791 in front of a studio audience. 152 00:05:14,859 --> 00:05:16,826 I didn't even want a studio audience. 153 00:05:16,894 --> 00:05:19,696 Do you want me to say something to him? 154 00:05:19,764 --> 00:05:21,364 To Billy Crystal? 155 00:05:21,432 --> 00:05:24,034 Do I want you to say something to Billy Crystal? 156 00:05:24,101 --> 00:05:25,301 We have a rapport. I could... 157 00:05:25,369 --> 00:05:27,270 No. No, I don't want you to 158 00:05:27,338 --> 00:05:29,339 say anything to Billy Crystal. 159 00:05:29,407 --> 00:05:30,940 Why are you even here? 160 00:05:31,008 --> 00:05:32,008 You invited me here, man. 161 00:05:32,009 --> 00:05:33,076 Uninvited. 162 00:05:33,144 --> 00:05:34,210 You're uninvited. 163 00:05:34,278 --> 00:05:36,179 So if you give me a 30-minute. 164 00:05:36,247 --> 00:05:38,114 - Mm-hmm. - Then 15, 165 00:05:38,182 --> 00:05:39,883 then I... I know when to get dressed and... 166 00:05:39,950 --> 00:05:41,084 - Yeah, yeah, no, I... - Just gives me a rhythm. 167 00:05:41,152 --> 00:05:42,485 - That's what I like. - Yeah. 168 00:05:42,553 --> 00:05:43,787 I'm glad you're having a good time. 169 00:05:43,854 --> 00:05:44,854 - Hey. - Oh... 170 00:05:44,889 --> 00:05:45,955 Yeah? Here we go. 171 00:05:46,023 --> 00:05:47,590 - You got... - The gold. 172 00:05:47,658 --> 00:05:48,992 Do you want... maybe take a... 173 00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:50,326 just take a... give 'em... Take a spin. 174 00:05:50,394 --> 00:05:52,429 - You know what? - What? 175 00:05:52,496 --> 00:05:54,130 You look like Frank Sinatra. 176 00:05:54,198 --> 00:05:55,598 Chairman of the board? Really? 177 00:05:55,666 --> 00:05:56,866 No one's ever told you that before? 178 00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:58,101 No, no. No one has ever... 179 00:05:58,169 --> 00:05:59,302 I see it. I really see it. 180 00:05:59,370 --> 00:06:02,314 "Hey, baby, who likes pasta?" 181 00:06:04,282 --> 00:06:05,308 - Hm. - What about this? 182 00:06:05,376 --> 00:06:07,571 What if you sw... Flipped the roles? 183 00:06:07,878 --> 00:06:10,380 And instead of being afraid of milk, 184 00:06:10,448 --> 00:06:13,883 Josh is afraid of tennis balls. 185 00:06:13,951 --> 00:06:17,527 And Billy keeps throwing tennis balls at him. 186 00:06:18,042 --> 00:06:20,390 That's a funny, funny sketch idea, Kristen. 187 00:06:20,458 --> 00:06:21,357 [laughs] 188 00:06:21,425 --> 00:06:22,425 I gotta hand it to you. 189 00:06:22,426 --> 00:06:23,660 That's a winner. 190 00:06:23,994 --> 00:06:25,762 He made it look like there was so much space, 191 00:06:25,830 --> 00:06:27,997 and I just back up and hear this little... 192 00:06:28,065 --> 00:06:29,866 Bink. Just the tiniest little... 193 00:06:29,934 --> 00:06:31,334 Bink. 194 00:06:31,402 --> 00:06:35,238 And it's this... stupid $50,000 tail light. 195 00:06:35,634 --> 00:06:38,803 Do you know what would be more fun than that story? 196 00:06:44,682 --> 00:06:46,983 [ding] 197 00:06:47,051 --> 00:06:47,951 (flight attendant) The captain has turned off the seat belt switch. 198 00:06:48,018 --> 00:06:49,719 Sir, please. 199 00:06:49,787 --> 00:06:51,654 I'm just trying to read. 200 00:06:58,162 --> 00:06:59,829 Oh, my God, Mitch. 201 00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:01,564 That's hilarious. 202 00:07:01,632 --> 00:07:04,234 Intolerance intolerant? [laughs] 203 00:07:04,301 --> 00:07:07,370 Thanks, yeah. I just thought of it. 204 00:07:07,438 --> 00:07:09,806 He's intolerant of intolerance, so... 205 00:07:09,874 --> 00:07:11,908 You might want to keep an eye on Esme. 206 00:07:11,976 --> 00:07:14,944 I just saw her do a ton of ecstasy with Josh. 207 00:07:15,012 --> 00:07:16,179 Oh. 208 00:07:16,247 --> 00:07:18,781 Okay, that makes sense. 209 00:07:18,849 --> 00:07:20,917 [snores] 210 00:07:20,985 --> 00:07:22,919 (flight attendant) TSA regulations require that 211 00:07:22,987 --> 00:07:26,289 you do not congregate outside of the lavatory 212 00:07:26,357 --> 00:07:28,491 at the front of the cabin. 213 00:07:28,559 --> 00:07:29,559 [sighs] 214 00:07:29,593 --> 00:07:30,860 [snores] 215 00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:34,797 [indistinct announcing] 216 00:07:34,865 --> 00:07:36,105 [gasps] 217 00:07:37,768 --> 00:07:39,636 [sniffing] 218 00:07:46,377 --> 00:07:47,977 Josh? 219 00:07:48,418 --> 00:07:50,128 - Hey, Billy. - Hey. 220 00:07:50,153 --> 00:07:52,323 Hey, I was just looking for you. 221 00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:53,650 And look at that. You found me. 222 00:07:53,717 --> 00:07:56,186 [laughter] 223 00:07:56,253 --> 00:07:59,512 I... just want to say. 224 00:08:03,413 --> 00:08:04,313 What? 225 00:08:04,338 --> 00:08:06,062 You mean so much to me. 226 00:08:06,130 --> 00:08:07,416 Mm-kay? 227 00:08:09,049 --> 00:08:10,039 Thank you, Josh. 228 00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:11,401 You... you... you mean stuff to me too. 229 00:08:11,468 --> 00:08:12,702 I was mad before. 230 00:08:12,770 --> 00:08:14,537 I was pissed off. 231 00:08:14,979 --> 00:08:17,707 - Mm-hmm. - But what are you gonna do? 232 00:08:17,775 --> 00:08:19,576 You know what, Josh? 233 00:08:19,643 --> 00:08:20,977 I'm gonna give you a ride home. 234 00:08:21,045 --> 00:08:22,045 [smacks lips] 235 00:08:22,046 --> 00:08:23,741 I gonna give you a ride home. 236 00:08:23,766 --> 00:08:24,814 What... what is that? 237 00:08:24,882 --> 00:08:26,449 [smacks lips] You're making me so thirsty. 238 00:08:26,711 --> 00:08:28,384 [smacks lips] 'Cause your mouth is so wet. 239 00:08:28,452 --> 00:08:31,254 Josh, I'm gonna give you a ride home because if I let you drive, 240 00:08:31,322 --> 00:08:34,457 then you could possibly die a terrible death, 241 00:08:34,525 --> 00:08:36,559 a terrible death. 242 00:08:36,627 --> 00:08:38,995 Then I would feel sad and I'd have no show. 243 00:08:39,063 --> 00:08:41,364 You're a truly funny man, Billy Crystal. 244 00:08:41,432 --> 00:08:42,699 Thanks, Josh. Come on. 245 00:08:42,766 --> 00:08:44,398 Let's go. All right? 246 00:08:44,423 --> 00:08:46,657 Do you remember when this happened? 247 00:08:48,005 --> 00:08:49,105 It's happening. 248 00:08:49,173 --> 00:08:50,266 Yes. 249 00:08:50,708 --> 00:08:52,633 What did you eat at the wrap party? 250 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:55,548 I had... Pringles and drugs. 251 00:09:00,242 --> 00:09:01,976 Oh, boy. Okay. 252 00:09:02,044 --> 00:09:03,678 You're judging me, aren't you? You're judging me right now. 253 00:09:03,745 --> 00:09:05,446 No, I'm... I'm not judging you at all. 254 00:09:05,506 --> 00:09:07,075 You're... Billy, you're judging me for being so [bleep] up. 255 00:09:07,108 --> 00:09:08,201 You know, you're doing ecstasy. 256 00:09:08,226 --> 00:09:09,317 You know, it's a studio, not Burning Man. 257 00:09:09,384 --> 00:09:10,685 You know? And listen, I have been 258 00:09:10,752 --> 00:09:12,053 more messed up than you are right now. 259 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,521 - Mm-mm. - Oh, yes. 260 00:09:13,588 --> 00:09:15,323 Yes. 261 00:09:15,390 --> 00:09:17,091 It's my 30th birthday, and I had not had a joint 262 00:09:17,159 --> 00:09:18,859 or a drink or anything for, like, six years 263 00:09:18,927 --> 00:09:20,461 'cause my daughter was born, the first one, 264 00:09:20,529 --> 00:09:21,529 when I was 24 years old. 265 00:09:21,563 --> 00:09:22,854 - You have kids? - Two. 266 00:09:22,879 --> 00:09:23,931 So now comes my 30th birthday, 267 00:09:23,999 --> 00:09:25,433 and I figured, what the hell. 268 00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:27,368 You know, it's 30. 269 00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:29,537 So I smoke huge... Two huge joints 270 00:09:29,604 --> 00:09:31,672 and drop a tab of organic mescaline. 271 00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:32,840 Have you ever done organic mescaline? 272 00:09:32,908 --> 00:09:34,399 - Yes. - You have? 273 00:09:34,424 --> 00:09:35,109 - No. - All right, so it makes you 274 00:09:35,177 --> 00:09:36,877 want to do one of two things. 275 00:09:36,945 --> 00:09:39,580 Take an enormous shit or jerk off. 276 00:09:39,648 --> 00:09:42,383 I decide to do both at the same time. 277 00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:43,584 - Oh, no. - Yeah. 278 00:09:43,652 --> 00:09:44,919 [laughs] Oh, yeah. 279 00:09:44,986 --> 00:09:47,088 - No. - So now, picture yours truly 280 00:09:47,155 --> 00:09:49,423 on the floor of my bathroom writhing around. 281 00:09:49,491 --> 00:09:52,159 And Julie walks in, and she goes, 282 00:09:52,227 --> 00:09:55,096 "One at a time, pal. One at a time." 283 00:09:55,467 --> 00:09:57,001 All right? So... 284 00:09:57,234 --> 00:09:59,700 We all have our moments, buddy. 285 00:10:00,109 --> 00:10:02,169 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 286 00:10:02,734 --> 00:10:05,072 How does Helen Keller masturbate? 287 00:10:05,476 --> 00:10:07,174 I don't know. How? 288 00:10:07,242 --> 00:10:09,143 No, I'm genuinely asking that. 289 00:10:09,211 --> 00:10:10,371 I was really hoping you knew. 290 00:10:10,379 --> 00:10:11,512 [siren wails] 291 00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:14,148 Oh, no. I hope it's nothing. 292 00:10:14,216 --> 00:10:15,549 It better be nothing. 293 00:10:15,617 --> 00:10:17,116 You're an enormously skilled driver. 294 00:10:17,141 --> 00:10:18,272 Nice. 295 00:10:20,607 --> 00:10:21,998 Oh, boy. 296 00:10:26,628 --> 00:10:28,796 License and registration. 297 00:10:28,864 --> 00:10:31,165 Here you go, sir. 298 00:10:31,233 --> 00:10:32,500 Can you step out of the car, please? 299 00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:33,467 Sure. 300 00:10:33,535 --> 00:10:34,482 Do you want me to call the cops? 301 00:10:37,606 --> 00:10:39,068 [door closes] 302 00:10:40,008 --> 00:10:41,041 You got a busted tail light here. 303 00:10:41,109 --> 00:10:42,209 Oh, the tail light. 304 00:10:42,277 --> 00:10:44,378 That's my fault, officer! 305 00:10:44,446 --> 00:10:46,013 This happened the other day, 306 00:10:46,081 --> 00:10:48,115 and I promise you I-I was gonna take care of it 307 00:10:48,183 --> 00:10:50,918 first thing in the morning. 308 00:10:50,986 --> 00:10:52,268 Okay. 309 00:10:53,057 --> 00:10:53,888 Okay? 310 00:10:53,889 --> 00:10:55,723 Listen, I'm a huge fan. 311 00:10:55,791 --> 00:10:57,191 - Oh, thank you very much. - Okay? 312 00:10:57,643 --> 00:10:59,894 "You look marvelous." 313 00:10:59,961 --> 00:11:01,846 No, that was... hold on. 314 00:11:02,564 --> 00:11:05,606 "You look marvelous." 315 00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:09,336 It's "you look marvelous." 316 00:11:09,404 --> 00:11:10,538 "You look marvelous." 317 00:11:10,605 --> 00:11:11,472 - There you go. - Oh, really? 318 00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:12,740 That was actually very good. 319 00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:13,674 - Okay. - It was great, actually. 320 00:11:13,742 --> 00:11:15,629 Okay, well... 321 00:11:16,246 --> 00:11:17,144 Make sure you get that fixed ASAP. 322 00:11:17,212 --> 00:11:18,579 I-I promise you. First thing... 323 00:11:18,647 --> 00:11:20,114 Excuse me! 324 00:11:20,182 --> 00:11:21,882 - Oh, no. - No, I'm talking now. 325 00:11:21,950 --> 00:11:22,817 - Listen... - Josh. 326 00:11:22,884 --> 00:11:24,251 Do you know who this is? Huh? 327 00:11:24,319 --> 00:11:25,953 - All right. - This ring of any bells? 328 00:11:26,021 --> 00:11:27,321 City Slickers. 329 00:11:27,756 --> 00:11:28,812 Princess Bride. 330 00:11:29,101 --> 00:11:29,890 Three Amigos. 331 00:11:29,958 --> 00:11:31,326 - I was not in that. - He's on a stamp. 332 00:11:31,351 --> 00:11:32,259 That's wrong, too. 333 00:11:32,327 --> 00:11:33,294 Why don't you get back in the car? 334 00:11:33,361 --> 00:11:34,261 You're not a real cop, are you? 335 00:11:34,329 --> 00:11:35,329 Josh, he is a real cop. 336 00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:36,597 You're a man stripper. 337 00:11:36,665 --> 00:11:37,565 You're like Channing Tatum and company 338 00:11:37,632 --> 00:11:39,033 in that man stripping movie. 339 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,000 - Sir. - Are these tear away pants? 340 00:11:40,068 --> 00:11:41,635 - Sir. - Huh? 341 00:11:41,703 --> 00:11:42,970 I'm gonna need you to get back in the car now. 342 00:11:43,038 --> 00:11:44,004 We had a little party at the studio. 343 00:11:44,072 --> 00:11:45,312 It was a morale booster. 344 00:11:45,373 --> 00:11:46,407 Someone drugged me. 345 00:11:46,475 --> 00:11:47,341 - Josh. - I drugged me. 346 00:11:47,409 --> 00:11:48,468 Josh, stop it. 347 00:11:48,515 --> 00:11:49,990 - Oh. - Just stop it. 348 00:11:50,015 --> 00:11:50,778 - Hey. - Stop it. 349 00:11:50,846 --> 00:11:51,812 Is your friend also... Does he strip? 350 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:52,880 - Excuse me. - Josh. 351 00:11:52,881 --> 00:11:53,914 Do you strip? Hey, ow! 352 00:11:53,982 --> 00:11:54,815 - Whoa. - Stop it or I will 353 00:11:54,883 --> 00:11:56,150 slap your face. 354 00:11:56,218 --> 00:11:57,117 - Please. - You are heading down 355 00:11:57,185 --> 00:11:58,385 a Shia LaBeouf kind of road. 356 00:11:58,386 --> 00:11:59,987 - Is that what you want? - No. 357 00:12:00,055 --> 00:12:00,988 - Just get control... - I mean, he's really good 358 00:12:01,056 --> 00:12:02,089 in some things, like Eagle Eye. 359 00:12:02,157 --> 00:12:03,357 - Just shut up, please. - Guys. 360 00:12:03,391 --> 00:12:04,492 - You are so strong. - Come on. 361 00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:05,493 You're like an ant, but human-sized. 362 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:06,560 Just stop it. 363 00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:07,695 Just st... 364 00:12:07,762 --> 00:12:08,662 - Oh! - Whoa. 365 00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:10,598 Hey. Whoa, hey! 366 00:12:10,665 --> 00:12:13,467 Aah! 367 00:12:13,535 --> 00:12:16,003 Come on. 368 00:12:16,071 --> 00:12:17,872 Ow! 369 00:12:17,939 --> 00:12:19,507 Stripper, get him off me! 370 00:12:19,574 --> 00:12:22,543 Oh, my Jesus, Lord in Heaven. 371 00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:25,287 What are you hitting me for, you... ? 372 00:12:25,420 --> 00:12:26,814 Who am I fighting? 373 00:12:26,882 --> 00:12:28,482 Instant classic, right? 374 00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:29,416 (Mitch) Ugh. 375 00:12:29,484 --> 00:12:32,419 [sighs] 376 00:12:32,487 --> 00:12:34,021 - Oh. - No! 377 00:12:34,089 --> 00:12:35,089 I mean, it's probably the greatest thing 378 00:12:35,156 --> 00:12:36,457 I've ever seen in my life. 379 00:12:36,525 --> 00:12:38,325 You should probably write something like this. 380 00:12:38,326 --> 00:12:39,593 (cop) Okay, okay. Stop it. 381 00:12:39,661 --> 00:12:41,028 And that's, like, if you want to sell stuff on Etsy. 382 00:12:41,096 --> 00:12:42,062 - That's how it works. - Okay. 383 00:12:42,130 --> 00:12:43,130 - Hey. - Hi, Billy. 384 00:12:43,131 --> 00:12:43,998 - Hi, Billy. - Hey. 385 00:12:44,065 --> 00:12:45,099 What are you watching? 386 00:12:45,166 --> 00:12:46,033 - Nothing. - Porno. 387 00:12:46,101 --> 00:12:47,935 He was showing me a porno. 388 00:12:48,003 --> 00:12:50,371 You can't get porn in here. There's a firewall. 389 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,171 How do you know that? 390 00:12:55,105 --> 00:12:56,210 So what is it? The dashcam video? 391 00:12:56,278 --> 00:12:58,078 - No. - Yes. 392 00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:00,706 Oh, boy. How many hits is it up to now? 393 00:13:01,950 --> 00:13:03,617 91,000. 394 00:13:03,685 --> 00:13:04,752 Oh, boy. 395 00:13:04,819 --> 00:13:06,612 Oh, hold on. Let me refresh. 396 00:13:07,289 --> 00:13:09,423 330,000. 397 00:13:09,491 --> 00:13:11,358 - Oh. - It's not that many. 398 00:13:11,426 --> 00:13:13,928 So, Denis called. 399 00:13:14,322 --> 00:13:16,790 He wants us to come to the network for a meeting. 400 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,037 You guys can come in. Denis is just 401 00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:27,205 finishing up a meeting, but he'll be right with you. 402 00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:28,974 Thank you. 403 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:31,543 It's like getting called into the principal's office. 404 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,251 Can I get you gentlemen anything to drink? 405 00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:34,295 - No, I'm fine, thank you. - A water? 406 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,347 I'll have a... no, thank you. 407 00:13:35,414 --> 00:13:36,248 - Great to meet you. - Okay. 408 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,083 Nothing for me, either. 409 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,951 I'm good, too. 410 00:13:40,773 --> 00:13:43,562 [sighs] 411 00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:45,790 You dragged me into your shit, Josh. 412 00:13:45,858 --> 00:13:47,392 Well, you know what? 413 00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:48,793 At least they're talking about our show now, right? 414 00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:50,295 It's not the kind of talking I like. 415 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:53,603 You know what? Maybe it's fine. 416 00:13:53,721 --> 00:13:55,634 I mean, we have all had, like, 417 00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:59,337 a not-so-sober altercation with a cop, right? 418 00:14:00,291 --> 00:14:01,478 Right? 419 00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:07,598 Kristen, let's start having some thoughts we don't voice, okay? 420 00:14:08,426 --> 00:14:09,582 I already do that. 421 00:14:10,613 --> 00:14:11,249 - Hi, Denis. - Hey, buddy. 422 00:14:11,317 --> 00:14:12,317 (Denis) Hello, gentlemen. 423 00:14:12,707 --> 00:14:13,485 - Please sit. - Hi. 424 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:15,420 So, this... 425 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,189 Denis, nobody's more mortified about this video than me. 426 00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:18,623 - Except me. - We love it. 427 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:20,425 - What? - Interesting. 428 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,060 Yeah, this thing has done more to raise awareness for the show 429 00:14:22,128 --> 00:14:24,608 than any single piece of promotion, viral marketing, 430 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,365 anything my team has come up with over the past six months. 431 00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:31,124 How very, very interesting. 432 00:14:31,149 --> 00:14:31,836 Yes, as a matter of fact, 433 00:14:31,904 --> 00:14:35,210 I am going to be firing my entire team. 434 00:14:35,235 --> 00:14:38,296 But... that's not your problem. 435 00:14:38,321 --> 00:14:42,272 What I'd like from you guys, if you're game, is to run with it. 436 00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:43,489 - Run with it? - Hmm. Okay. 437 00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:44,802 - Yeah. - How do we do that? 438 00:14:44,827 --> 00:14:45,827 A mea culpa tour. 439 00:14:45,828 --> 00:14:47,329 People love those things. 440 00:14:47,397 --> 00:14:50,065 You guys can go on Kimmel, Fallon... 441 00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:52,034 the other idiot who's not named Jimmy. 442 00:14:52,101 --> 00:14:54,136 You want me to take the thing that I'm most embarrassed about 443 00:14:54,203 --> 00:14:56,683 in my entire career and exploit it? 444 00:14:56,706 --> 00:14:57,973 Yes. 445 00:14:58,041 --> 00:14:59,341 I think we've stumbled upon 446 00:14:59,409 --> 00:15:00,729 something really interesting here. 447 00:15:00,743 --> 00:15:02,547 A comedy team who hates each other. 448 00:15:02,572 --> 00:15:04,079 Even if it's not true in real life. 449 00:15:04,147 --> 00:15:05,314 - No, it's not true, not true. - No, it's not true at all. 450 00:15:05,381 --> 00:15:06,982 It's attention-grabbing, 451 00:15:07,050 --> 00:15:09,618 it's... it's noisy, in a good way. 452 00:15:09,686 --> 00:15:15,223 This is why you are so good at what you do. 453 00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:16,725 Fellas, if I... 454 00:15:16,793 --> 00:15:19,273 Honestly, I have a little trouble with this. 455 00:15:19,295 --> 00:15:21,535 Maybe I grew up in a time where if you did something bad, 456 00:15:21,597 --> 00:15:23,598 you were ashamed, and you did not brag about it, 457 00:15:23,666 --> 00:15:25,500 and you did not exploit it. 458 00:15:25,568 --> 00:15:29,604 Yeah, we're the network that gave Charlie Sheen a show, so... 459 00:15:29,672 --> 00:15:30,572 (Billy) All right, you know what? 460 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,607 For me, it feels wrong. 461 00:15:32,675 --> 00:15:34,743 Well, as in all things, 462 00:15:34,811 --> 00:15:37,045 we ultimately defer to the artist. 463 00:15:37,113 --> 00:15:39,648 And if you're not comfortable, we don't do it. 464 00:15:39,716 --> 00:15:40,978 Great. 465 00:15:41,159 --> 00:15:43,290 I personally think it would be good for the show. 466 00:15:44,798 --> 00:15:45,923 But... 467 00:15:47,090 --> 00:15:48,190 it's your choice. 468 00:15:49,792 --> 00:15:50,792 [cheers and applause] 469 00:15:50,793 --> 00:15:52,461 Our first guest tonight are 470 00:15:52,528 --> 00:15:55,797 the co-stars of a new sketch comedy program on FX. 471 00:15:55,865 --> 00:15:57,299 It's premiering sometime this fall. 472 00:15:57,367 --> 00:15:59,067 It's called The Billy & Josh Show. 473 00:15:59,135 --> 00:16:00,635 I don't know where they came up with the name, either. 474 00:16:00,703 --> 00:16:02,137 Ladies and gentlemen, 475 00:16:02,205 --> 00:16:04,406 please welcome Billy Crystal and Josh Gad. 476 00:16:04,474 --> 00:16:11,513 [cheers and applause] 477 00:16:11,581 --> 00:16:13,048 Great to have you here. 478 00:16:13,116 --> 00:16:14,996 - Thanks for having me. - Great having you here. 479 00:16:15,018 --> 00:16:16,485 You guy... you want... maybe wanna squeeze in a little bit closer? 480 00:16:16,552 --> 00:16:17,552 - No, we're... we're okay. - I'm good. 481 00:16:17,620 --> 00:16:19,087 We're good. Yeah. 482 00:16:19,155 --> 00:16:22,090 All right, so everybody has seen the dashcam video 483 00:16:22,158 --> 00:16:23,959 that you guys... made. 484 00:16:24,027 --> 00:16:26,128 I guess maybe that would be the way to put it. 485 00:16:26,195 --> 00:16:27,262 Well. You know what, Jimmy? 486 00:16:27,330 --> 00:16:28,663 Can we skip that? Talk about... 487 00:16:28,731 --> 00:16:30,098 Everyone's seen it, and the... 488 00:16:30,166 --> 00:16:31,600 - Well... - Let's just talk about 489 00:16:31,667 --> 00:16:33,101 our show, which is coming on in the fall, 490 00:16:33,169 --> 00:16:34,169 which is fantastic. 491 00:16:34,170 --> 00:16:37,406 [cheers and applause] 492 00:16:37,473 --> 00:16:38,740 With all due respect... 493 00:16:38,808 --> 00:16:40,108 And none taken. 494 00:16:40,176 --> 00:16:42,878 I think... I think we need to have 495 00:16:42,945 --> 00:16:46,648 maybe a "come to Jesus" moment. 496 00:16:46,716 --> 00:16:49,284 Maybe a Jewish "come to Jesus" moment. 497 00:16:49,352 --> 00:16:50,872 - Those are my favorite kind. - He was. 498 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,621 I was talking to Josh backstage. 499 00:16:52,688 --> 00:16:55,023 And, Josh, you have something you want to say to Billy? 500 00:16:55,091 --> 00:16:57,726 Yes, thank you, Seth. 501 00:16:57,794 --> 00:17:01,396 Billy... 502 00:17:01,464 --> 00:17:04,099 I'm... I'm sorry for doing drugs. 503 00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:06,968 I'm sorry for slapping you. 504 00:17:07,036 --> 00:17:11,173 And I'm also sorry for urinating on your car. 505 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,442 (Jimmy) That's nice. 506 00:17:13,509 --> 00:17:15,110 You urinated on my car? 507 00:17:15,178 --> 00:17:17,212 A few months ago, yes. 508 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,680 (Jimmy) All right. 509 00:17:18,748 --> 00:17:20,682 At least you didn't do it in my car. 510 00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:22,350 Uh... we'll talk about it later. 511 00:17:22,418 --> 00:17:24,453 - Well, you know... - Oh, my. 512 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,188 - Wow. - I think that's very big 513 00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:27,355 of you to do. Billy, do you accept 514 00:17:27,423 --> 00:17:29,057 Josh's apology? 515 00:17:29,125 --> 00:17:32,160 If I say yes, will you then talk about our show? 516 00:17:32,228 --> 00:17:33,528 - Yes. - Okay, then yes. 517 00:17:33,596 --> 00:17:34,463 All right, very good. Gentlemen... 518 00:17:34,530 --> 00:17:36,064 [cheers and applause] 519 00:17:36,132 --> 00:17:38,934 - How about that? - One more thing we have to do. 520 00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:41,481 If you could just shake hands to show that... yes. 521 00:17:41,504 --> 00:17:43,038 Not... no, no, no, no, no. 522 00:17:43,106 --> 00:17:44,973 - Hands. - No. 523 00:17:45,041 --> 00:17:46,041 Josh. 524 00:17:46,042 --> 00:17:47,275 [laughs] 525 00:17:47,343 --> 00:17:48,977 [laughs] 526 00:17:49,045 --> 00:17:51,546 - See? - He said a handshake. 527 00:17:51,614 --> 00:17:53,614 - Now that's... - He always goes too far. 528 00:17:53,616 --> 00:17:54,950 He does. That's how you do it, 529 00:17:55,017 --> 00:17:57,085 President Obama. That is how you broker 530 00:17:57,153 --> 00:17:58,793 a peace agreement between warring nations. 531 00:17:58,821 --> 00:18:00,222 [cheers and applause] 532 00:18:00,289 --> 00:18:02,157 So there you go. How do you guys feel now? 533 00:18:02,225 --> 00:18:04,392 - So much better. - Pretty much the same. 534 00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:05,861 All right, well, we will be right back... 535 00:18:05,928 --> 00:18:08,029 You know, the guy you have to worry about 536 00:18:08,097 --> 00:18:10,699 when... when it comes to drugs is Billy. 537 00:18:10,766 --> 00:18:12,067 - Really? - Yeah. 538 00:18:12,135 --> 00:18:14,803 Yeah, Billy, you gotta tell the story. 539 00:18:14,871 --> 00:18:15,871 What story is that? 540 00:18:15,938 --> 00:18:16,972 Your 30th birthday. 541 00:18:17,039 --> 00:18:18,440 The thing you did. 542 00:18:18,508 --> 00:18:19,508 Tell them. 543 00:18:19,509 --> 00:18:20,709 Tell them the story. 544 00:18:20,776 --> 00:18:24,579 [shouts and applause] 545 00:18:24,647 --> 00:18:25,514 (Billy) What the hell was that? 546 00:18:25,581 --> 00:18:27,149 I thought that was pretty funny. 547 00:18:27,216 --> 00:18:28,683 Funny? I told you that story in confidence. 548 00:18:28,751 --> 00:18:29,985 Yeah, well, you know what? I hate your car in confidence, 549 00:18:30,052 --> 00:18:31,386 and you didn't mind talking about that 550 00:18:31,454 --> 00:18:32,921 in front of an audience. Without even telling me. 551 00:18:32,989 --> 00:18:34,256 Are you serious? It was a bit, that's all. 552 00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:36,024 - Yeah, really funny bit. - It was a bit. 553 00:18:36,092 --> 00:18:37,292 - It was, the audience loved it. - So was mine, so was mine. 554 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,527 It was actually funny. It was real. 555 00:18:38,594 --> 00:18:39,461 [phone ringing] My thing was a bit 556 00:18:39,529 --> 00:18:40,896 on Jimmy Kimmel... 557 00:18:40,963 --> 00:18:42,063 - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - Oh. 558 00:18:42,131 --> 00:18:43,211 - Oh, no, that's FX. - Yeah. 559 00:18:43,232 --> 00:18:44,466 - Oh, shit. - What do we do? 560 00:18:44,534 --> 00:18:45,867 Pick it up, and I'll say that 561 00:18:45,935 --> 00:18:46,902 I'm your maid and you're not here. 562 00:18:46,969 --> 00:18:47,869 You're... I don't have a maid. 563 00:18:47,937 --> 00:18:49,104 Hello? 564 00:18:49,172 --> 00:18:50,705 (Denis) Billy, hey, it's Denis. 565 00:18:50,773 --> 00:18:51,640 Hey, Denis. You have both of us. 566 00:18:51,707 --> 00:18:53,241 It's me, Josh. 567 00:18:53,309 --> 00:18:55,443 (Denis) Listen, guys. Unbelievable. 568 00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:57,431 - I know, Denis... you know... - Yeah. 569 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:00,615 (Denis) Truly hilarious. So uncomfortable. 570 00:19:00,683 --> 00:19:03,585 I didn't even know you guys were even gonna do the bit 571 00:19:03,653 --> 00:19:06,254 where Josh puts you on the spot. I was laughing my ass off. 572 00:19:06,322 --> 00:19:07,656 Yeah, well... 573 00:19:07,723 --> 00:19:09,291 I thought you don't laugh, Denis. 574 00:19:09,358 --> 00:19:11,092 (Denis) Well, I make exceptions. 575 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,694 So, listen, listen, guys. Tomorrow morning, 576 00:19:12,762 --> 00:19:14,329 I'm gonna find more money in the marketing budget. 577 00:19:14,397 --> 00:19:15,957 We're gonna promote the hell out of you. 578 00:19:15,998 --> 00:19:17,098 Break a leg on Conan tomorrow night, all right? 579 00:19:17,166 --> 00:19:18,567 Both: Okay. 580 00:19:18,634 --> 00:19:19,768 - Okay, fellas? - All right, thanks for calling. 581 00:19:19,835 --> 00:19:20,635 - Great work. - Thank you. 582 00:19:20,703 --> 00:19:22,404 Thanks, Denis. 583 00:19:37,487 --> 00:19:39,121 [sighs] 584 00:19:39,189 --> 00:19:40,890 [bleep] 585 00:19:47,025 --> 00:19:49,365 (Billy) Hey, excuse. Hey, chief. 586 00:19:49,433 --> 00:19:51,000 Who do we call to get a car towed? 587 00:19:51,068 --> 00:19:52,535 Yeah, that black Mercedes SUV. 588 00:19:52,603 --> 00:19:54,370 It's half in my spot. 589 00:19:54,438 --> 00:19:55,638 It's Josh Gad's car. 590 00:19:55,706 --> 00:19:56,828 Just go ahead and tow him, please. 591 00:19:56,852 --> 00:20:02,406 - Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - - www.addic7ed.com - 592 00:20:02,456 --> 00:20:07,006 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41036

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