All language subtitles for The Comedians s01e07 Billys Birthday

The housekeeper comes at 9:00.

But where I'm from, you
use a pan, you clean it.

I-I can't get stains out of this thing.

Look at this: these stains have been there

since the Reagan
administration; I don't get it.

Honey, I'm heading to the tile place.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Rosa's gonna be here in, like, two minutes.

I know, but this stupid pan.

He always does his own dishes,

not just when you guys are here.

[mouths word]

[laughs]

Happy birthday.

Oh. Thanks, but now they know.

I didn't want anyone to know.

Oh, well, you're doing
the sad birthday thing,

must be an odd year.

At this age, honey,
every year is an odd year.

What are you gonna do?

I'm letting this one go by.

- No! No.
- No, no, you...

Go have a drink with the guys.

- No.
- Come on.

I'm sorry that I can't...
This benefit, it's just...

She raises tons of money for...

For early childhood
development in Los Angeles.

I mean, millions of dollars, and she...

Why don't you come? You can come.

That's not where I wanna be tonight.

I have three Shark Tanks on a DVR

and a bag of white pistachios, I am...

It's a dream night for me.

I feel like your dreams
have gotten a little small.

Well, yeah, like everything else.

Oh! [laughs]

All right. Do good.

Okay, this... I hate this
pan worse than Hitler.

Conference room.

Conference room, guys.

Conference room, speed it up.

By speeding it up, I don't mean slower. Go.

Oh, hey, thank you so much for doing that.

Uh, gracias para todo,

um, uh, WD cuarenta tambi?n.

Hey, man.

You didn't wait for the "come in,"

but at least you knocked, so
step by step, we'll get this.

Huh?

Nothing. What's up?

Yeah, so they sent me over here to get you.

We have a production meeting.

Production meeting? We
just had one an hour ago.

Yeah. So, yes.

Uh, this is a second production meeting.

It's more important than the first one.

It's the goddamn cake, isn't it?

- The what?

- [sighs]
- Did you say "cake"?

I don't even know what
you're talking about.

Cake, you said?

Oh, you're such a lousy liar.

I know.

I just... I love birthdays.

Ooh, it's hot.

Do we know, are they...
Are they coming soon?

Anybody?

[gasps] Whoo! Ahh! Ooh!

Just act surprised when you walk in, okay?

All right, let's get this
over with, but, Josh...

- Yeah?
- No song.

It's like getting a sizzling
dish delivered to you

in a Chinese restaurant...
Everybody stares at you

and you're a little sweaty. No song.

No, there was never gonna be a song.

You and I are...

on the same page.

(all)
Happy...

No! Stop, no! No song.
We're not doing that.

[giggles]

Oh, look at this. This is really something.

Thank you. This cake is
responsible for global warming.

[laughter]

- Make a wish.
- All right.

[cheers and applause]

My wish, is that you all get back to work.

No, don't say it out loud.

It won't come true if you say it out loud.

I was joking, Kristen. I was
just... I was just joking.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

[indistinct conversation]

Hey, Billy! Hey, Billy!

Hey, wait up. Hey.

What's up?

[panting] Hey, bud, are you okay?

Yeah. Are you okay?

Your hearts beating so
fast, your shirt's moving.

I have a resp... I have a... I'm fat.

- [chuckles]
- So, uh...

No, I'm all right. It's just, uh...

It's one of those days, Josh.

I get like this sometimes on my birthday.

Yeah, I hear that. I hear that.

I turned 33 last year,
and it was like, Jesus.

Literally, Jesus died when he was my age,

and you're, what, twice that?

You should get a job at one
of those suicide hotlines.

You have a very soothing way about you.

No! No, no, no, no. I
don't mean it like that.

I just meant, you know, you're...

I mean, you're gonna be around
for a decent amount of time.

I'm gonna go.

Make sure you don't talk
to anybody who looks sad.

You could put them right over the edge.

[laughs]

Where, uh, where are you off to right now?

You know, actually, I don't even know.

I don't know.

The kids are out of town for the week,

and Julie's got something
all day and tonight.

And I just... I don't know, man.

I just think I'll take
a drive, I don't know.

You're just gonna drive around alone?

Yeah.

Like a... like a pervert?

Why like a pervert?

I mean, if you go by parks and stuff.

You can't be alone, dude.

This is... It's your birthday.

Billy Crystal was born today.

I mean, not today, but a ton
of years ago on this date.

I'm not gonna let you be alone.

That would be cruel. We're going out.

We're gonna go celebrate. Come on!

[techno music]

I'm gonna make it lower, okay?

It's too loud. I'm sorry.

Sure.

You a little bit regretting

asking me to come along with you?

- A little bit.
- [laughs] A little bit.

A little bit. A little bit.

Oh, my God, I love Joe Pesci.

It was De Niro.

Doesn't make me love Joe Pesci any less.

Hey, you know what, get in your right lane.

You're gonna make a right turn.
I wanna show you something.

- Make a... make a right turn.
- Where? Here?

Josh, you're getting too close.

- Josh!
- you asshole!

Yeah, suck on that little bitch

Just up here right?

You all right?

- Yeah.
- I'll be fine.

Not you. You almost killed everybody.

- Oh, sorry about that.
- Pull over here.

Do you know the
significance of these steps?

Is it because life is like stairs?

Each year is a step, and
when you get to the top,

you look back down at your life and...

No. No.

- No?
- Come on.

Laurel & Hardy

shot The Music Box on these stairs.

- No.
- Yeah.

What? The Music Box was shot here?

- Yeah.
- You're kidding me.

You never heard of it, did you?

I've heard of music boxes.

I've never heard of The Music Box.

It won the Academy Award
for best short film, 1932.

Wow, did people used to care
about that category back then,

or was it like it is now?

Okay, the two of them are
delivering a crated piano,

huge piano.

And they have to push it up,
and they hardly say a word.

Uh-huh.

And every time they get to a
different point in these stairs,

somebody comes down and
knocks the piano down.

It goes flying down the stairs
and crashes onto the street.

So they have to start over
and over and over again.

So finally, at the end of the movie,

they get it to this house,
which is way up there.

And there's a guy who
walks by, and he goes,

"You mugs brought this
piano up those stairs?

"You didn't have to do that.
There's a road over there.

You could just drive up in your
truck and deliver it there."

So you know what these two idiots do?

They push the piano all
the way down the stairs,

back down to the street,
load it back on the truck,

and drive it up the driveway
to deliver it to the house.

[laughs]

Right?

They bring it back down?

All the way down.

The only thing funnier than
watching a slapstick comedy

from the 1930s

is having somebody describe it to you

while you pretend to laugh
because it's their birthday.

It is so hilarious. It is
so far ahead of its time.

[laughs] That sounds so good.

Yeah.

I've gotta see this. Haha!

Do you wanna head back?

No, no. Come on. I wanna...

Keep going? Sure.

I wanna finish this.

Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah. All right, come on.

Hey, you're gonna love this place.

We used to come here all the time,

baked out of our minds,
and stare at Asian people.

(Billy) Oh, check this out.
Come on, we should do this.

(Josh) What is this? Psychics.

- Hello, how much to have his palm read?
- Five.

I'll give you 4, and
I'll pay for it myself.

5!

All right, I'll give you 20, and that's it.

That's as far as I go.

You speak English? 5.

You're a really bad negotiator.

Yeah.

Okay, just make sure you
don't look in my palm's past,

or you'll be very disgusted.

[laughs] See, he
da-da-da a lot.

Oh, yeah, me too. But I use two finger.

- Okay.
- [laughs]

[speaking native language]

She thumbs up. What's that?

Yeah, you gonna have a great success.

- Oh, see?
- Make lots of money, huh?

I like that.

See? This investment is paying off already.

That's great.

She gets it.

Good Auntie. Auntie.

(both) Yeah.

Oh. [speaking native language]

Why... Why are you scratching?

What's wrong with that part of my palm?

Oh, you... you... Your life is ruined.

Ruined? Why would it be ruined?

[speaking native language]

Why are you so angry
at my... At my fingers?

[speaking native language]

Many, many bad things because
of a bad woman that you love.

Wait. What?

No, listen. You listen.

She whore.

She whore.

Do you understand "bullshit"?
This is a horrible...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- That's my aunt.

You don't talk that way in front of my...

Well, you... Let me tell you something.

You don't take somebody's $5
and tell 'em they're gonna...

I'm not trying to be a
racist, but you're acting...

You're a Jew. You're a
Jew. You been acting...

What? You're being very racist.

I'm not racist.

No. Everybody calm down.

Everybody calm down.

Everybody fine. Everybody fine. I sorry.

Take this. I'm gonna take my lollipop.

Take a candy. Take another one, fatty.

- Fatty, take another one.
- What? Excuse me. [bleep].

I know it's all bullshit,

but I really would pay good money

to know, you know... To know what happens,

how everything turns out.

Nah, you shouldn't know.

You should relish not knowing.

That's one of the great
things about being your age.

See, I think one of the great
things about being my age

is having an erection without any help.

[laughs] The boners are good, yes.

Mm-hmm.

Boners are... Boners
are actually still good.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, God bless you.

Yeah, I'm lucky.

Oh, man, to be Billy Crystal.

[laughs]

You know, when I was in high school,

my senior year,

they started sending me
to the guidance counselor,

you know, to... she was
gonna present options to me

about the future, about, you know, college

and jobs and all of that stuff.

And she... she'd show me this
university, that university,

this job, that, and she
actually said to me once,

"Well, you know, you play clarinet.

You could play clarinet in the Army Band."

Right? This is 1965.

But somehow I kinda knew

where I wanted to end up,

but I just didn't know
how I was gonna get there.

The mystery is a great thing, Josh.

I'm... I-I miss the mystery.

I mean, you know,

I am who I am,

but I don't know what my
options back then were.

You know, I could have been
somebody totally different.

Like this woman.

You could have been an Asian woman?

No, no. She's an artist.
Look at what she's doing.

I mean, it's amazing.

She's... she's doing this beautifully

in this little... Tiny, little place

in Little Tokyo in LA.

You know, you... You work your whole life,

and you think, "I'm really
good at this," you know?

But how do you... How do you really know,

you know, what... what... I don't know.

You are spiraling right now, buddy.

Oh, no, I'm not spiraling.

Yeah, you're having an existential crisis

about a woman in a bakery
making God knows what.

What's going on? What's happening to you?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm all right, just...

I turned 67 years old today.

And, um, I've been an orphan a long time.

It's just... Just the way it is.

That's how it is and, heh, when I was a
kid, when it was my birthday

My folks would be on either side and...

[coughs]

They'd bring the cake out

with the candle, and I'd make a wish.

Same wish every time...

I wish we could live forever.

And then I'd blow it out, and I'd cut it.

I'd stick my finger in the frosting,

and I'd put it on my nose

and on my dad's nose and my mom's nose,

and we'd smile for the picture.

Every year.

You know?

I miss that, you know?

I mean, my life is amazing.

Don't get me wrong. My life's amazing.

Julie, my girls, grandkids, my work.

I mean, you know, it's been great,

but I-I need... I need that.

Today I need that.

I, uh...

You don't have to say anything.

It's all right.

Josh, it's okay.

It's okay.

(both)
The skies are
not cloudy all day

They're all Pink Floyd songs.

The Japanese must love Pink Floyd.

Well, their national anthem
is Comfortably Numb.

No, that's North Korea.

Mm-hmm.

South Korea is Wish You Were Here.

Actually, North Korea, that would be...

(both) The Wall.

Yeah. [laughs]

(both)
Seldom is heard

So, uh...

you remember when we first met

and I told you that I didn't have a dad?

That my mom just found
a cup of sperm somewhere

on the street and...

How could I forget?

The image of the woman version
of you walking down the street

and finding a cup of, uh...

Cum.

You know, sometimes it's
good to respect the trail-off.

Anyway, I kind of have
these memories of him,

those little kid dream memories.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Oh, big-time. I have that...

A vivid memory of my
first day of kindergarten,

but all the kids' faces are blurry.

Mm-hmm.

It's like they didn't sign the
release to be in the memory.

Mm-hmm.

You know, so they're there,
but not. I know. It's weird.

- It's weird.
- When's the last time you saw them?

It may have been at a performance of
The Book of Mormon

May have been?

Well, I go out onto the stage.

Curtain comes up.

And I think I see my dad there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. At the same time

that I'm scared out of my mind,

I'm also weirdly trying to do

the best performance I've ever given

to please this man I barely know.

And?

And he left in the second act.

(both)
I can't live...

- No, this is me.
- You take it.

(both)
Everything is nothing

Mr. Joe Cocker, ladies and gentlemen.

(both)
That won't happen
to us and we got no doubt

-
For the real thing

- The thang.
- [laughs]

-
Oh, sail away with me

- Oh, not... not...
-
Yeah!

(both)
Islands in the stream

Give me a little Sammy.

[as Sammy Davis Jr.]

(both)
How can we be wrong?

(both)
And we rely on each other

That was actually fun.

Why do you sound so surprised?
Don't sound that surprised.

Because I am, I'm that surprised.

Oh, my phone is dead. What time is it?

Oh, suck on my raw
dick. Are you kidding me?

How can it be this late?

- Shit!
- Who are you?

I gotta get home. I told my buddy

that I would go to see his
stand-up act in [indistinct].

It's a place called Comedy Living Room.

It's literally his house,

a bunch of people sitting on the floor.

It's alternative.

Alternative to comfort?

You know what... [laughs]

What?

You gotta go with me.

Oh, no.

Billy Crystal shows up, I
will get laid in 2.5 seconds.

- You're coming with me tonight. Yes.
- No, no, no.

- Whoa, whoa. *** and I'm gonna go home
- ***

You go there. It will blow people's mind

Yes. you wanna see a bunch of
20-somethings' brains explode?

No.

Please. Please, Daddy.

Oh, that's creepy.

Daddy, I need this.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You were never there for me.

This is sick.

You were never there for me,

and now I'm asking for this one thing.

This is sick. You are so
weird that I can't say no.

Dada, please.

I can't say no to... All right, we'll go.

- Dada.
- We'll go.

We'll go, but just for a few minutes, okay?

Awesome.

Best dad ever.

I feel like I'm doing a predator show.

I had a friend that was a guest on that.

Well, not a guest, he was caught.

For you.

Hey, guys, how are you?

Hey, buddy, what's up?

[whispers indistinctly]

Billy Crystal.

Oh, yeah. Of course. I know who you are.

Right. There you go.

In the flesh.

I've seen, like, all
your movies, Mr. Crystal.

No "Mister," please. Because "Mister" is
too formal

- Sir Billy...
- [Laughs nervously]

No, I'm just kidding. Mister is fine.

[laughs] Oh, it's amazing that you're here.

I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink?

We've got, like, coke and JD. We got...

I just wanna watch two comics.

Then I wanna go. Thank you very much.

(Josh) I'll take a beer.

Yeah, man, it's in the fridge.
You used to do stand-up, right?

Used to? Yeah, no, I still do.

[bleep], shit, no. I can't
believe it. I'm so sorry.

Stop it. Just breathe.

No, sorry. I just, um...

You know, 'cause you've done
so many movies and stuff.

Anyway, what I was getting
at was, like, do you...

Do you have any interest in
maybe doing, like, a quick set?

Oh, no.

In fact, you can go as long as
you want. You can go all night.

Oh, no, no, no. It wouldn't
be fair to the other comics.

Are you kidding me? We would remember it

for the rest of our lives.

I really don't do this.

[It's like Comic Relief for hipsters].

Show them what 2 /3 of a century can do.

Well, we have a, um, kind
of kind of a special guest.

You might recognize him from
being a comedy [bleep] legend.

[silently].

Such small projects as
When Harry Met Sally,

Forget Paris,

and The Princess
[bleep] Bride.

Ladies and gentlemen, I
would like to introduce to you

Oscar winner... has
he... He's won an Oscar.

No. No.

No, hosted a lot.

Host. Host of the Oscars,
guys... Billy Crystal!

[cheers and applause]

So awesome. Great to see you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Hey.

How are you? Good.

Well, this is, uh, really interesting.

Please, sit down.

[laughter]

You know, this is really cool,
'cause I started performing

in my living room for my parents.

So look how far I've come.

[laughter]

I wanna thank Casey who,
if you speak any faster,

you'll go back in time.

[laughter]

And amazingly high, I think,
he's also at the moment.

They told me glaucoma. It's glaucoma.

But it's interesting being here to see you,

you know, sitting down.

It's pretty... See, when I was your age,

this would be called a sit-in, you know.

And we'd be protesting, you
know, Vietnam or something.

That was... that was the
big one when I was your age.

And now, I guess you're protesting
lumbar support or something like that

- Ha ha ha ha
- Yeah, um...

Why did I mention Vietnam?

That's... You probably don't...
Do you remember that war?

That's the one that Forrest
Gump fought in, you know.

That's an amazing movie.

There's one moment of that
movie that always makes me laugh

when... Tom was incredible... And it goes,

[as Forrest Gump] Is he smart?

You know what he's worried about? His son.

So, yeah.

Worst birthday ever.

I thought it went pretty...

[sighs]

Oh. [chuckles]

Super nonstick, baby.

I love it when you talk cookware to me.

Oh, man.

I'm sorry I didn't call.

It was a rough night. My phone died,

along with most of my will to live.

Did you not go to the fund-raiser?

I left early.

Come on, you really think
I'm gonna leave you alone

on your birthday?

Mm.

[giggles]

[giggles]

[laughing]

- This is nice.
- Come on, Josh.

Maybe we'll have our own stairs one day.

Yeah.

Man, that's a lot of comedy.

A lot of steps to do all that.

Yeah. They did it with a piano.

I'm doing it with uh,

a 250-pound grand piano

called a body.

[laughs]

Whew, you're fit for your age.

Yeah.

I need to go see a nutritionist.

I'm gonna let you take it in,

'cause you should have your moment.

And I'll be here.

It's so beautiful.

[groans]

[groans]

Are you still walking?

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