Original subtitles

In the celebrity criminal justice system

there are the so-called "musicians"

who commit crimes and the overpaid private defense attorneys who defend them.

This is one of their stories.

Just finished up with the clerk.

He's shook up but okay.

Said the guy just flipped out, started dancing like Michael Jackson,

then showed a gun and robbed the place.

Perp was a black male, around 19, really sexy...

Sexy? Exactly how sexy?

Dimples, "honey brown" complexion, chiseled abs, extra shiny chap-sticked lips...

Damn, that is sexy.

There's only one 19-year-old black male that matches that sexy profile.

- Pretty Boy Flizzy. - Never heard of him.

Um, only the hottest up-and-coming R&B star!

You've heard of his songs... "Titty telethon"?

"Pleasure me orally"? "Don't touch my anus, girl"?

How would I have heard this?

Okay, I know you've heard, "you make me wanna unh!"

All day long on the radio, that's all I hear, even on the white stations.

No, I haven't heard "you make me wanna unh!"

That's disgusting.

Eh, it's not my thing, but it's what passes for R&B now, all right?

What can I say? I got teenage daughters.

They're into black guys, so this is what I got to hear.

What happened to the good old days

when black singers would dress in high-heel boots

or burn hookers with crack pipes?

You're showing your age, my friend.

Flizzy's in town, doing a show at woodcrest post pavilion tonight.

I was hoping to go. Now I have an excuse.

You make me wanna unh

Like we havin' sex

Baby, grab your ankles, you know what's next.

Synced by emmasan www.Addic7ed.com

- [groans] Granddad, what we got to eat?! - Rent!

I'm hungry!

Then have sleep for dinner!

You can eat tomorrow.

You're getting fat anyway!

The security-camera footage you're watching

is allegedly of R&B superstar Pretty Boy Flizzy

holding up a liquor store in woodcrest.

While it is difficult to clearly see the suspect's face,

authorities say his sexiness is an exact match.

This isn't Flizzy's first run-in with the law.

Last year, he received four months probation

after beating his then-girlfriend Christianna

live onstage during the Grammys.

I'd just like to apologize to all my fans for beating my hot R&B girlfriend.

I let my fans down.

Without you, I wouldn't even have an R&B girlfriend to beat.

A year before that, Flizzy received a two-year suspended sentence

for smuggling automatic weapons from Nicaraguan rebels.

I'd just like to apologize to all my fans

for smuggling automatic weapons from South American death squads.

I make no excuses, other than it was a really good deal

and they were throwing in a lot of free ammunition.

Six months ago, Flizzy was arrested

for fighting in the V.I.P. section of a nightclub with Nicki Minaj.

I'd just like to apologize to all my fans,

for fighting in the V.I.P. section with Nicki Minaj.

In my defense, I thought she was a robot sent from the future to kill me.

Woodcrest Tea Party Chairman Uncle Ruckus

staged a small protest at the venue today.

Who keeps giving these high-yellow felons record contracts?!

Oh, oh, it's just a record you say!

Well, white folks, you won't be saying that

when the nigga that sings on that record comes to town

and impregnates all the white women of child-rearing age!

And that is exactly what he plans to do!

Just think of all the government money and food stamps

that them little mixed-race quadroon nigga children will be consuming!

And they consume a whole lot more than regular children

'cause they eatin' for two races!

Others felt differently.

I don't care what anyone says.

Flizzy can whup my ass anytime!

Come on! Beat it up, fleezy! Whoa!

Sarah: I want you to get mad at me, once in awhile, you know?

- Tom: If you wouldn't mind... - Granddad: Turn that down.

- Now listen, listen. Shh! - Sarah: I'm tired of it! It's boring!

- Sarah: It's boring me to death! - Tom: Sarah, please calm down!

I said I apologize!

There you go again. You're doing it again!

- Doing what? - Apologizing!

You don't want me to apologize?

No, I don't!

Okay, I'm sorry I'm apologizing.

You did it again!

Sarah, calm down! I'm sorry.

[Bleep] I'm sorry! [Bleep] [Bleep] I can't stop!

Oh, I swear to God, Tom,

if you apologize again, you are out of here!

I'm... mm. Okay.

Then just tell me what to do.

That's the problem, Tom!

I don't want to tell you what to do!

I want you to do what I want you to do

but because you want to do it!

What?!

But why not just tell me?!

Because! No woman wakes up and says,

"Gee, I hope my man does everything I tell him to today."

You're the man, Tom!

Sometimes I want you to dominate!

Take control!

If I'm out of line, put me in check!

Sure, honey. Whatever you say.

- Sarah: Ohh! Tom! - Tom: Fine! I hear you!

From now on, I'll take control, and I won't apologize anymore.

Except, wait. You wanted me to stop apologizing,

so I'm supposed to do the opposite of that. Right?

Yeah, so then I guess I will apologize, then...

If that's all right with you.

[Clears throat] Sorry?

[Grumbles] Get out.

- Tom: Now, honey, don't do... - Sarah: Get out!

Ow!

Aw, man, here he come!

Riley, hit the lights!

Mm-hmm.

Huey, electronics! Enough is enough.

I'm tired of that henpecked simp coming over here

every time she throws him out,

screaming like a little bitch.

This time, he can sleep in the yard.

While it is difficult to clearly see the suspect's face, authorities have...

[Doorbell rings] Please. [Crying]

It's toilet paper and a pop-tart.

Hey, don't tell my granddad about this.

We not supposed to feed you.

[Tiger growls]

I really don't think it's prudent to record an attorney meeting.

I'm not recording. This is a live stream.

What's up? Y'all know who it is...

Pretty beezy flee-yeezey-weezy, you know?

I appreciate all the love and support y'all been sending me

since the whole incident went down.

Never fear. Got big lawyers on the case.

Say what's up to Tom DuBois.

Flizzy, I'm gonna have to ask you to turn it off, now.

Kill the camera, B.

I also think these people should leave.

"These people?" [Bleep] you mean "these people?"

Tom: I mean these people.

You mean my people, nigga! These my people.

Anything you can say to me you can say in front of them.

If anything, nigga, you the stranger here.

You should leave the room.

It's my office.

Okay, then, so what's the big [Bleep] secret that you can't tell me

in front of my fans and my people?

Matter of fact, why am I even here?

You wanted to talk to me about your criminal case.

Oh, that's right!

I reviewed the case, and I've watched the security footage.

Cool. So, what do you think?

Can you get me off?

Did you rob the liquor store, Flizzy?

I can't say that... I did it,

but, honestly, really can't say f'sho one way or the other.

And why can't you say "f'sho"?

I was [Bleep] up!

And how about these... how about your entourage?

Do they know anything?

They was [Bleep] up, too!

Hey, man, when we go out, we go hard.

You don't understand how complicated it is being me.

I say [Bleep] all the time I didn't even know I said.

How?

'Cause I got like 18 people tweeting for me at one time.

And we're all [Bleep] up!

So, like, I look at the tape and I say,

"is it me, or is it someone I just paid to rob a liquor store

who looks just like me?"

I don't know.

Okay, I want you to know up front

that I have serious issues with some of your behavior in the past,

especially hitting a woman.

B-but wait. I knew you was gonna say that.

Can I tell you my side of it, though?

- Tom: No, I don't... - Flizzy: Can I tell you my side of it, though?

No, Flizzy, there's no excuse...

Can I tell you my side of it, though?

Fine, what?

Man, I was [Bleep] up!

Soon as I got arrested, I said,

"I want the dude that got r. Kelly off."

Well, I prosecuted R. Kelly, and I...

Never mind. My answer is almost certainly no, but... I'll think

about it. If I do take the case,

my retainer is...

My retainer is...

[Laughs] Entertain that.

Please stop throwing money at me.

Things a bitch will never say.

Hey, that's a song!

A'ight, pimpin', I'm-a see you tomorrow.

That singer Pretty Boy Flizzy came in today.

Pretty Boy Flizzy?

Are you serious?

He's hiring you to defend him for the liquor-store thing?

Tom, that's huge!

Don't get too excited.

I'm not taking the case.

Why not?

I don't want to defend a woman-beater, for one.

He made a little tiny mistake.

I guess hitting a woman is okay if you have abs, is that it?

He's a talented artist.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. Slow down.

"Fluid swap"? "Rub against my erection"? "You make me wanna unh"?

[Gasps] I love "you make me wanna unh!"

Oh, do you think you could get him to sing at Jazmine's birthday?

No! Do you let her listen to that?

Our problems have been rough on her.

It would be nice to, you know...

What?

Don't you think I know what's going on here?

What?

This isn't about Jazmine.

You want to meet Pretty Boy Flizzy.

[Scoffs] No, Jazmine wants to meet Pretty Boy Flizzy.

Tom: No, you want me to defend Pretty Boy Flizzy

because you want to meet him

and do him!

What?!

- Tom: Yeah! Yeah! You do! - Sarah: Oh, this is a new level!

You want to go unh on him!

You want to unh on him all night!

I can't believe how insecure you are!

Listen to yourself.

He's like your perfect man!

He won't even say sorry when he pounds your face in!

Granddad: Wait. Wait.

He's not coming this way. He's getting in his car.

- [Tires screeching] - [All gasp]

You're a selfish bastard, Robert Freeman!

[Tires screeching]

I just don't think it's gonna work out, Flizzy.

Why not?

Well, it's not you. It's me.

I'm just dealing with some personal problems.

Hey, suck that [Bleep] up, my dude!

Come on, Tom!

You know what?

Right now, we're both letting the haters get us down.

We got to shake the haters.

Do this for me, Tom.

Come on. Shake those haters.

I'm hate-free, but I can still feel the hate on you.

Mmm. Feels good, doesn't it?

Okay, so... now will you take the case?

No.

Okay, fine. If you can't take the case, you can't take the case.

It just seems like me...

Sexy, buff alpha male...

And you... Kindhearted but frumpy everyman...

Could somehow be able to help each other.

Am I a frumpy everyman?

Is that it?!

Is that why she's lost interest?!

Of course. You're dull as [Bleep] Tom!

You dress like [Bleep] your hair looks like [Bleep].

You got no flash, no swag, nothin veneer of toughness.

Of course your wife left you and is doing it to some random guy.

That's not what I said happened.

So, look... you take the case,

and I teach you how to dress

and how to talk to bitches and save your marriage.

You know what? Why not?

You're not gonna teach me how to dance, right?

No. No dancing.

But there will be a shopping montage.

Two things women hate...

Broke men and boring men.

Good news is, you're not broke.

But you are boring,

and women hate to be bored, Tom.

They hate to be bored.

A woman would rather be with a guy that beats them to death

than bores them to death.

Trust me, nigga, I know.

[Indistinct shouting]

But why do they want me, Tom?

Is it my incredible sexiness?

Sure.

But why am I so sexy?

What is the secret to my sexiness?

My money, my jewels, fame? Absolutely.

But, really, it's because I'm a [Bleep] up.

I get arrested, I do drugs,

I rob liquor stores... allegedly!

That's what all women want.

Why?

Because women have no self-respect!

[Camera shutter clicks]

Well, my wife has self-respect.

Really? You sure?

Yes! She's an educated, well-rounded, confident woman.

I may need to meet her.

No, no, no. No. I know where this goes.

You're not going to do my wife.

Do your wife?

Tom, I wouldn't do your wife.

You have a song called "I will do your wife!"

I didn't mean your wife!

I meant that metaphorically.

Mm, I still don't think it's a good idea.

Nigga, I swear on my abs...

On my abs, nigga!

I will not touch your wife.

Well, my daughter would love to meet you.

A small dinner. No entourage!

No problem.

[Indistinct shouting]

Man, I can't believe all these people showed up.

Well, maybe if you hadn't tweeted our address to 3 million people...

Hey, man...

Yeah, you were f'Ed up, I know.

Okay, so, check it.

Key with chicks is to insult them when you compliment them.

Never be too nice.

Trust me. Go neg on her.

Knock her down a peg.

She'll love it.

Hey, sweetie, you look lovely tonight.

Oh, thank you, honey.

Yeah, but not as nice as you think you look.

Asshole!

[Doorbell rings]

[Indistinct shouting]

Hey, neighbor!

We, uh, heard there's a dinner party going down,

and I never received the e-vite,

so here we are.

You didn't get one because you weren't invited.

You got a lot of nerve leaving me out in the cold

and then wanting to come to the Flizzy dinner for the free food.

We didn't come here for the free food.

We came here to warn you.

Tom, you got to get that Flizzy away from your wife!

It's bad enough she's trapped

in this passionless, sexually unfulfilling marriage with you.

Her ladyparts probably burning with unquenchable lust,

and you just gonna dangle all that sexiness in front of her?!

Huh?

Man, it's like, "here, nigga, take my wife, please!"

You know he's got a song called...

"I will do your wife," yes.

But there's also a song called, "white wifebooty."

Know that?

Really? No, no, I didn't.

And it doesn't matter, guys.

I-I know what I'm doing.

Flizzy's gonna help me work things out with Sarah.

Oh, he gonna work something out, all right.

That Booty.

He's here to help.

Oh, he gonna help himself to that Booty!

It's under control!

- Granddad: He's gonna.. - Tom: Control that Booty. Got it.

I wasn't gonna say that.

He gonna be under that Booty!

Ha ha! Good one, granddad!

Yeah, ha, yeah, very funny guys. Enough.

As long as you know.

Next time your kids are born with great abs and tattoos,

don't say I didn't warn you.

Come on, kids. Let's eat.

Tom: [Sighs]

[Laughing] [Slurring] Oh, my God, Flizzy,

you're so funny and so polite.

I can't believe you rob liquor stores and you beat up women.

Sarah!

No, it's cool. She's right.

I really need to stop getting arrested.

I'm not passing judgment about the Christianna thing.

I know sometimes bitches step out of line.

Lord knows I do! [Laughs]

Honey, there are children at the table.

Now, I want to be clear, kids...

Hitting a woman is wrong...

Unless she hits you first. [Laughter]

- Flizzy: Ain't that right! - Tom: Wow.

Or she talks about your mama!

Sarah, that is enough!

"Sarah, that's enough."

Sarah, that's it!

You're embarrassing yourself in front of your daughter

and in front of Pretty Boy Flizzy!

It's like we not even here.

Now, you've had enough.

You are going to go upstairs and sleep it off!

[Laughs] What are you gonna do, Tom?

Hit me?

No! I'm gonna leave you!

Mwah!

Daddy!

Tom, wait! Tom!

Tom, grew a pair.

- Didn't see that coming. - [Burping]

Riley: [Laughing]

Tom: [Grunts] Bitter.

Sorry to bother you.

Didn't really have anyone else to call.

Eh, no sweat, man. That was rough.

Yeah, it was a disaster.

So much for making a man out of me.

Naw, man. To just stand up and walk out, that took guts.

All I ended up learning is my wife likes you better.

Your wife doesn't like me better.

You guys are both just boring as [Bleep].

You're rolling with me tonight.

I'm taking you to man camp.

But I don't hang with no negative-energy-sucking [Bleep].

So gather up some positivity in this bitch right quick

and let's roll out.

Okay! I can be positive.

I'm not a loser.

I can... get stuff... happening,

and I got stuff going on!

Things could be worse. I could be that guy.

It's a mirror, Tom.

Tom: Mm [Bleep].

Welcome.

Oh, what the heck. It's man camp.

[Inhaling deeply]

Tom: Hey, this is the buy-n-fly that Flizzy robbed. [Chuckles]

Funny.

[Bell dings]

Tylenol?

I'm telling you we've watched this thing a million times.

We know that's Flizzy.

Case closed.

That's right. Ha ha ha! Yeah!

[Rewinding]

[Bell dings] Cut!

There was a p.A. In the shot!

Reset!

Man, I'm getting sweaty.

Pretty's sweaty. Is someone deaf?

Shine check!

Can you throw me a line?

- Trying to get my union card. - [Door opens]

Find anything, columbo?

Uh, nope! Nothing.

[Chuckles] Thanks, Jack.

Sarah: [Humming]

Mrs. DuBois, do you mind if we do a quick sound check?

Of course. Go ahead.

Okay, "I'm gonna [Bleep]" on 1, 2, 3...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on!

Excuse me just a sec.

You, uh, can't sing that at Jazmine's party.

Why not?

You don't like it?

No! I love that song. A lot, actually.

We just have to replace [Bleep] with something. [Bleep]

No, no.

How about "cake"?

Sure thing, Mrs. DuBois.

What's up, tiger?

You faked the robbery.

What are you talking about?

I watched the surveillance tape, Flizzy...

The whole tape.

I know you staged the robbery.

You just couldn't leave [Beep] alone, could you?

What else was fake? Were the Nicaraguan guns fake?

Did you really even beat Christianna?

Don't you ever question whether or not I beat Christianna!

I whupped that bitch's ass!

But the Nicki Minaj thing was staged.

She ain't really a cyborg, either.

She's a nice girl.

Damn, Tom.

Why couldn't you just mind your own business?

I'm your attorney!

This is my business!

But why?

'Cause I got to stay relevant! That's why!

This music [Bleep] sucks right now!

You got to act like an idiot just to stay in their [Bleep] faces!

But if I can stay in just the right amount of trouble, I'll be all right.

My audience is women, Tom... women.

And women hate to be bored.

Look, Flizzy, I'm sorry.

I don't understand any of this.

I don't live in your world.

I'm a simple guy.

I just want to do my job, take care of my family,

and I needed some help trying to get my wife back.

Oh, you want your wife back?

How about not inviting a nigga that's richer than you

and prettier than you to meet your wife?

I mean, how stupid can you be, nigga?

What? But I-I thought we were...

Thought what, nigga?!

I'm tired of your punk-ass!

Tom: [Grunts]

Flizzy, I think you should just leave.

[Bleep] Leave? I might as well move in this bitch.

You already done gave me your wife.

[Bleep] This is my house!

Jazmine's gonna be calling me daddy from now on.

Tom: Now, that's enough!

Oh, you mad, Tom? What you gonna do?

You want to hit me? Hit me, Tom!

Hey!

Flizzy, I'm warning you...

Hit me, Tom. Come on, hit me now!

All right, you asked for it!

Tom!

Come on [Bleep], aah!

You're not taking my family!

Tom! Oh, my God! Tom, stop!

Oh! I knew it! I knew it!

Citizen's arrest!

I'm making a citizen's arrest!

- [Screams, grunts] - Tom: [Grunts]

Now shut up! Stop squirming!

You have the right to remain silent!

Oh! Baby, are you okay?!

I can't believe you did that.

You were a maniac! I have never seen you like that.

All right, get moving, get moving.

Avert your eyes, avert your eyes.

Just a nigga going to jail. Nothing to see here.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I was such a bitch, and you didn't deserve any of that.

Yes. Yes, you were a... "B."

Please come home. Please.

I have cake.

Let's get you upstairs.

You ready for some Sarah cake?

[Giggles] Naughty!

[Both laugh]

Tom: [Grunting] Oh, my back!

[Bodies thud] Oh! I'm sorry.

Synced by emmasan www.Addic7ed.Com

Next mondy on "The Boondocks"...

Grandad is broke busted.

How bad is it?

We have no money?

Worse.

Worse? What's worse than no money?

- We are in debt. - Mm-hmm.

What are you doing here?

Question is, Robert, what are you doing here?

You thought you could pay off your mortgage by food stamps?

***

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