All language subtitles for Shit My Dad Says s01e12 Good Son Go Deep.eng

Root beer,
I admire your style.

If you can't eat it or hump it,
you pee on it.

We're not that different,
you and me.

Hey, Rutty.

Stick out your jaw
if you love me.

Yes, you do.

Hey, great news--

I just spoke to my editor,

And they found bedbugs
in the office.

So they're closing
the paper down for the day.

- Isn't that great?
- What's that got to do with me?

Well, I was thinking
that since I have the day off,

- You and I can spend--
- Can't. Busy.

What was the question?

I said do you want
to spend the day together?

Can't. Busy.

Doing what?
It's 9:00 a.M.

You already yelled at everything
you're gonna yell at for today.

What else is left?

I'm going down
to authentic carl's.

The sports-memorabilia place

Where you got
your steve garvey bat?

That's right.

The bat he used that night
he hit for the cycle.

Garvey never hit for the cycle
with the padres.

Not the baseball cycle.

After the game
at a motel near the stadium...

Garvey allegedly banged
a brunette, a blond,

A redhead, and a twin--

That cycle.

And the bat is the one he gave
to the motel manager

So he wouldn't tell
his first wife.

Anyway, I have ordered a ball
that was used in the last game

That the cincinnati reds played
at crosley field.

And authentic carl
is holding it for me.

Uh, dad, um, I moved back here
so I can get to know you better,

So you and I can get closer.

Well, I'm glad we didn't.
You're covered in crabs.

Why don't you go
and pick up that ball tomorrow?

And maybe today you and I
can spend some time together,

Do a father-son activity.

Hey, why don't we go
to the racetrack?

I am going down
to pick up my ball.

If you want to come down
and watch me do it,

That's up to you.

Only if I get to chip in
for gas, dad.

Oh, great, now he wants
to ride in the same car.

Hi, dad.

What the hell do you want?

Well, bonnie's ovulating,

And we're trying
to make a baby.

So if you need to come
into our room

In the middle of the night
to get something,

Maybe you could--
I don't know--

Knock or, uh,
not flip on the lights

Or perhaps not shout out,
"the horror, the horror."

Not happening.

Okeydoke.

Hey, why are you smiling?

Well, we're seeing
a new fertility specialist

Who says that since
there's nothing wrong

With bonnie's ova
or my sperms

That perhaps we should try
staying more positive

As it may affect
our ability to conceive.

So that's what we're doing.

Sounds stupid.

Fair enough.

Ed, ed, ed, I love
that you feel comfortable enough

To come into our room at night
looking for an old life magazine

And then taking
that life magazine

Into the bathroom,

Which is a mere four feet
from my head.

But if there's any way you could
close the door next time,

That would be super, okay?

Thanks, doll!

Why the hell would you want
to have a child now?

You're just starting to get
your business off the ground.

If not now, when?

I mean, there's no perfect time
to have a baby, right, ed?

Bing! Oh!

Ed, ed, ed, you are, gosh,
a delight.

But is there any room
in the house

That you won't walk in on us
when we're trying to conceive

Your grandchild?

Well, there is one.

The garage?

You--you want us to live
in the garage?

Bingo!

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I'm just saying you should be
more careful, dad.

You almost hit
that pedestrian.

Guy was in a wheelchair.
That's a vehicle.

Hey.

- Dr. Goodson.
- Authentic carl.

Henry,
this is authentic carl.

- Look, it's coming in, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's coming in.

Authentic carl's
my good friend, my confidant.

I tell him everything.

Hey, I'm henry.

And, uh, how do you know ed?

I'm his son.

I didn't know
you had a son.

Hey, how is root beer,
by the way?

Oh, so cute.

They grow up so fast.

So you got my ball?

Ah. Ha ha. Yes.
About that...

I got some good news.

It came in this morning,

Amazing condition.

Turns out this ball
is worth twice

What you were gonna pay
for it.

Good news is
I got a great deal.

No, the good news is I sold it
for four times

What you were going to pay.

But, carl, you were going
to hold that ball for me.

We had a verbal agreement.

You can't sell that ball
to the highest bidder.

It's not
your sister's virginity.

Ed, I'm sorry.
I have a living to make here.

We've known each other
20 years.

20 years?
My name doesn't come up once?

You can't go back
on something like that?

Where's your honor?

Ed, I'm 50.

I sell sports memorabilia
and breed iguanas.

I said good-bye to my honor
the first time I signed

Babe ruth's name
on a beanie baby

And sold it
to some idiot kid.

So do you know the name
of the guy who bought the ball?

Of course I do.

I write down the names
of all my customers.

- Where?
- In this ledger.

It's also where I keep
my license

To distribute
medical marijuana.

So do me a favor,
will you?

Tell me how I can get in touch
with the guy who bought my ball

So I can buy it back
from him.

Ed, I cannot give out
customer information.

- I have integrity.
- But no honor.

I can make the distinction.

That's how I can sleep
at night...

That and my medical marijuana.

Oh, uh, ed,
I've got a customer

I have to look after here.

I think his glaucoma
is kicking in.

[buzzer sounds]

Well, hey, look at that.
Your day opened up.

Any chance I can get you
down to the track?

Not likely.
I want that ball.

Aren't we finished here, dad?

I'm going to tell you
the same thing I told

The blind masseuse.

Trust me.
You'll know when I'm finished.

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Honey, look at this.
Look at this.

It's my beanie baby
signed by babe ruth.

Very rare.

Honey,
when did babe ruth die?

Uh, buh, buh, buh, 1948.
Why?

No reason.

[sighs]
you know what?

I think we're going to be happy
living here.

Oh, we're going
to be so happy.

I'm going to turn
this musty old garage

Into our enchanted cottage.

We'll put our bed right
over here by the paint cans.

Yeah. Hey, we can put
our wedding pictures

Right over there
on that shelf

Where those ants are devouring
that bird carcass.

Yeah, there'll be flowers
everywhere

Instead of rat droppings

And...

Cricket husks.

Hey, we'll give
our baby a bath

Right over there in that sink

That looks like it was used
in the movie Saw.

Honey, our baby--
can you even imagine?

Yeah. No, we're really going
to raise a family here.

I know it's not much--
oh, my god, what's in that pail?

You know what?
I don't know.

That--that has been there
since I was a kid,

And it never quite
seems to dry--

[gags]

Come on, let's get out of
here--let's go do something fun.

Henry, if I wanted
to do something fun,

I'd have gone to tijuana
with $18 in quarters.

Now, I figured out a plan...

To get my ball back.

- And why do you need me?
- It's a two-man job.

And since I don't have
another man, I'm asking you.

Why is this ball
so important to you?

Because
I'm sentimental, dummy.

I need you to distract carl.

While you're doing that,
I'm going to quietly

And gracefully leap
over this counter

And grab that ledger.

Are you sure?
This counter's kind of high.

You pulled a hammy
tying your shoe the other day.

You wanted to come with me?
This is what I do.

Now, are you in,
or are you out?

Fine.

Make it quick.

- Hey, carl.
- Hey.

- Is that a tony gwynn jersey?
- Yeah.

What's up with that?

It's a tony gwynn jersey...

One-of-a-kind, most expensive
thing in my shop,

Except for those extremely rare
commemorative plates

I have over on the counter.

So do you have any
of those jerseys in the back?

I just said
it's one-of-a-kind.

Okay, I'll go check.

[snaps fingers]

[plates shattering]

Yeah. Here we go.

Hey, carl, you know what?
I changed my mind.

I'm looking for a hat.

Oh, the hats
are right here.

What about
a bobblehead doll?

Bobblehead dolls
are next to the hats.

What do you got
in the back, carl?

- Baseball cards.
- Do you have an '86 buckner?

There is only one
in all of san diego,

And I have it.

Oh.

- I'll take three.
- Coming right up.

Got it. Let's go.

You carry military-grade
surveillance binoculars

In your car?

Yep.

- Want to elaborate on that?
- Nope.

So we're just going
to sit here in the car

Until that guy with the
cincinnati baseball comes home?

Yep.

Great conversation, dad.

What do you want, henry?

Well, for starters,

Why are you so sentimental
about this baseball?

I want the baseball
'cause I-I love baseball.

My dad used to take me

To watch the reds game
every Saturday.

There, we bonded.
So that's it.

Congratulations.
You're my new bff.

I mean, see, you did stuff
with your dad.

- He took you to the stadium.
- No.

I was nine years old.

You don't take a nine-year-old
to the stadium

Where grown men
are drinking and smoking.

He took me to a bar.

And we watched it
on the only television in town.

Okay, but you hung out.
You talked.

We didn't talk.
Didn't have to talk.

My father and I,
we had a great relationship...

Hardly ever spoke.

Don't need to chatter,
chatter, chatter

Just to know someone.

So you'd watch an entire
baseball game in silence?

He--he didn't watch
the game at all.

He'd drive me
to mcgill's tavern

And, uh, set me up with a bowl
of pickled eggs.

Then he'd, uh,
turn on the reds game,

And then he'd take care
of business.

What kind of business
would your father have in a bar?

He was a farmer.

Well, he'd go upstairs

With mrs. Mcgill
and help her with her taxes.

Your dad would help someone
with their taxes?

He paid for things
in goat's milk.

I don't know.

I guess he was good
with numbers.

Did your mom know
about this?

No. Jeez.

That's why my dad called it
"our little secret."

Oh, my mom would've raised hell
if she'd known I was at a bar.

So your dad
would leave you alone in a bar

And then go upstairs
with a strange woman

For an entire baseball game?

No, no, no.

He would come down
every three innings or so

And check on me

And grab a cigarette, and then
he'd go back upstairs.

And she needed help
with her taxes every Saturday?

That's right. You got to stay
on top of these things.

I think he wanted to stay
on top of mrs. Mcgill.

What the hell
are you talking about?

It just seems pretty obvious
what was going on there, dad.

Come on,
you never thought of that?

No, I never thought of it,

Because there's nothing
to think about.

It was a great memory.

Me driving home
with my tummy filled

With pickled eggs...

And him with a smile
on his face.

And as the blind masseuse said,
that's the end of that.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I got you coffee
and a dozen doughnuts...

Minus 11 doughnuts.

Wow. You did a lot of work
while I was gone.

The place looks--

Like we're starting
a side business

Selling crystal meth?

I was gonna say "great,"
but okay.

Honey, I just--I don't think
it's the right time

To have a baby.

Come on, bonnie,
what about being positive?

I know.
It's just we're trying

To get our real-estate business
off the ground,

And we don't have a lot
of savings,

And the garage is so dirty,

Your dad won't even park
his car in it.

I just don't think
this is the right situation

- To bring a kid into.
- Well, if not now, when?

I don't know.

But we'll know
when the time is right.

- Come here.
- Okay.

Oh, my god.
I think the bucket just burped.

Honey, don't call it that.

That's where the baby's
gonna come from.

No, no, the--the bucket,

The always-wet bucket.

Oh, I am so sorry.
Oh.

I'm just saying,

Even if your father
was an accountant

And not an illiterate
tobacco farmer,

She wouldn't have needed
that much help.

She needed help
with her taxes,

And that's the end
of the story.

- Okay.
- [sighs]

'cause if you want to talk
about it, I think it could help.

I don't think it'll help

'cause I don't want
to talk about it.

Okay.

You know, because sometimes if
you don't deal with something,

- It can build up--
- I can see him now.

Wait. Are you having
a flashback about your dad?

No, moron, the guy
with the ball.

I can see him now.
Let's move.

Why can't you just walk
around anything?

Well, the good news
is that your father won't walk

Through our room anymore
going to the bathroom.

The bad news is it's because
we don't have a bathroom.

The worst news is
that might be a clue

As to what the bucket
was for.

Oh, wow, honey,
my baby stuff.

- Check this out.
- Aw.

Oh, look at this.

This is the onesie I was wearing
the day they brought me home

From the hospital.

Wow. How big were you?

8 pounds, 96 ounces.

Wow. Look at this.

These are some of my toys
from when I was a kid.

Whoa, whoa.
Steak knife?

No, no,
that's my pirate sword.

My dad got me that
for my sixth birthday.

It says "black angus"
on it.

That was my pirate name.

Oh, no way, mr. Block.

Oh, honey, the adventures that
me and mr. Block used to go on.

And what's this, uh--

What's this surgical glove
stuffed with sand?

Uh-oh, watch out.
That's mr. Chicken.

He's got quite a mouth
on him.

[deep voice] yeah, I'd like
to get my mouth on her.

[normal voice]
mr. Chicken, not now.

So sorry, bonnie.

This really brings back
some good memories.

Of what? Visits from
the child protective agency?

No. I had fun
when I was a kid.

I made do with what I had.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

I mean, you know, my parents
used to fight all the time.

But it's okay,
'cause I had these toys.

Mr. Chicken used to say
things to them

That I wish I could,
but couldn't.

- Like your own mr. Hyde.
- No. No, no, no.

- This is mr. Hide.
- Oh.

Mr. Hide
is a confirmed bachelor.

[deep voice]
that's because he's gay.

[normal voice] mr. Chicken,
you don't know that.

[deep voice] yes, I do.
Saw him at a leather bar.

Nothing gets you down,
black angus.

[normal voice]
no. Not much.

You know what?

It's the right time.

- For what?
- To have a baby.

I mean, if you can stay positive
through that childhood,

Then...

I want you to be the father
of my child,

And I don't want to wait
until it's too late.

I love you so much,
bonnie.

I love you too.

But this--this garage,
I-I can't.

We're just gonna have to move
back upstairs

And get a lock for the door--
I hope you're okay with that.

That's fine with me.

[deep voice]
but, you know,

Since we already have
the air mattress blown up,

We might as well use it.

I like the way you think,
mr. Chicken.

All right, threesome.

Out of my way, giant baby.
I get the front.

[normal voice]
mr. Chicken, too far.

Put him down.
Put him down.

Put him down.
Put him down.

You know perfectly well
that ball is rightfully mine.

So stop acting like a child
and give it back to me.

- But I bought it.
- But I reserved it.

Sir, the guy sold my son
the ball.

That's not my son's problem.

You were there.
You saw I reserved it.

Actually, I wasn't.

Where'd he get the money?

That's an expensive ball.
It didn't cost $4.

It's not a blind masseuse
from thailand.

I'm not sure
what that means.

Bob, I thought you said
you were taking timmy

To the card shop.

I did.
I dropped him off.

And then I-I had...
An errand to do.

Yeah. Daddy drops me off
every Sunday.

He dropped you off?

Mary, I have a good reason.

Well, what's going on, bob?
Where'd you go? What'd you do?

I'll tell you
where he went.

Upstairs in a tavern
banging some barmaid.

Dad, they don't know
that story.

I was not banging
a barmaid!

Timmy, "banging" is hugging
someone really fast.

I was not banging anyone!

Okay, well,
where were you, bob?

Yeah, bob.
Where were you, bob?

I don't want to talk
about this in front of my wife.

Well, we're going
to talk about it, bob.

Yeah, where were you, bob?

Fine. I was gonna wait
till our actual anniversary.

But I picked up
an extra shift

So I could pay for us to go
on a cruise.

Oh, bob.

You sick son of a bitch!

- Okay, dad, time to go.
- Yeah.

That's right, bob.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

Spend some time
with your son, bob.

- Dad, let's go.
- Mom really trusted you, bob.

Well, here we are.

Okay, what do you feel like
for dinner?

Really?

We're not gonna talk
about what just happened?

No, we're not.

You know what, dad?
Never mind.

Well, hold on.
H-h-hold on just a second.

My father
was a-a very complicated man.

There weren't many farmers
who could do taxes.

That's what you're taking
away from this?

We're not going to talk
about my father, okay?

But it wouldn't be the
worst idea in the world if...

You and I
spent some time together

And shot the breeze
once in a while.

I'd like that.

You know, it was--
it was kind of fun

Hanging out with you today,

Even though
you did traumatize a child,

You ruined an anniversary,

And broke thousands of dollars
of memorabilia.

It was kind of fun.

[sighs]
oh, crap.

- I forgot my house key.
- It's all right, dad.

We'll just go
through the garage.

- Aaah!
- Oh, my god, dad!

Close the door!
Close the door!

Vince! Bonnie!

Mr. Chicken!

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