Original subtitles

[Narrator] Previously on Republic of Doyle.

[Jake] Okay, for the last time, it wasn't a stag.

[Rose] It was a lame stag. You shoulda had strippers.

[Mayor Clark] I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.

[Leslie] Sergeant Bennet.

[Jake] What is it a state secret that you're dating the mayor?

Oh! Maybe he'll, you know, name a street after you.

Hot cop road.

[Tinny] We split the profit 50-50.

[Chantel] Absolutely. The clones are cooking, Tinny. They're

doing way better. You're a total natural.

[Tinny] The key here, is to not get caught.

[Des] Ah! Tinny, what the hell?

[Rose] My mother's here. She does this, like once a decade.

[Jake] You have a mother in law?

You're really starting to get on my nerves.

[Mal] You're getting edgy. How long's the moratorium been now?

[Walter] Allison Jenkins, this is Jake Doyle.

[Jake] You know you really are very, very attractive.

[J.J.] I've been away a long time in Newfoundland, a long time!

I'm happy to be back though!

Thank you. You found some offshore oil though, didn't ya?

[J.J.] And people don't know what to do about the money. They

don't know what to do with the money. The people don't know

what to do with the money. They don't. I saw a guy driving down

water street in a Porsche, inside a Ferrari, stuffed into a hummer. Yes.

[Jake] So what, this guy gets a stalker, now we gotta babysit him? That's just dandy.

[Stan] Soak it in, boys. That there is a legend. Stan Bittman.

J.J.'s manager. Thanks for coming in.

[J.J.] Be smart about it. Use the money well. Build a bridge

or something. You know, get your mountains done. Bang those

little French islands that you've had your eye on.

[Jake] I'm Jake Doyle. This is my father, Malachy.

[Mal] Seems you picked up a stalker.

[Stan] Yeah, ever since we landed last week. Well, we're

trying to keep in on the q.T.

He's up for this big us pilot.

But he's over reacting if you ask me. It's when they stop

stalking you, that's, that's when you worry... one, one sec.

[Jake] TV pilot, huh?

[Stan] Uh, the shows based on squid dude. Okay? Huge hit for J.J. back in the day.

[Mal] Ah! Squid dude? Lock it down!

[Stan] That was the catch phrase, yeah.

[J.J.] The pilot has one more thing to say, lock it down!

[audience member] J.J.!

[J.J.] Thank you, Newfoundland!

That's all I got!

[Kent] J.J. Murphy, ladies and gentlemen!

[Kent] It was a pleasure having J.J. on my stage. Now, uh, don't

go away, we'll have a short break and then we'll have some

of Newfoundland's finest young comics.

[J.J.] Woah.

[Ryan] J.J.! Yo, you gotta sign this. I love you, man.

[Kent] 20% off white Russians all night. Enjoy!

[J.J.] Uh, what's your name sweetheart?

[Annette] Annette.

[J.J.] Uh, hi.

[Ryan] J.J. Great act. We love you! Can you sign that? Look!

[J.J.] Yeah.

[Ryan] Can you sign that for me, please, please.

[J.J.] Okay, I gotta go.

[Ryan] I just wanna talk to you, please.

[J.J.] Thank you.

[Ryan] J.J., J.J.!

[J.J.] Ah! That was a disaster!

You don't light me from above like that! I look like a troll doll!

[Kent] Still the same, huh, J.J?

It's nice to see that you've mellowed!

[J.J.] Oh-ha, you want me to be nice now, Kent, look at how well

that worked out in your life.

What's with this 20% off the gate crap? You know my deal, my fee, plus 80%.

[Kent] Tonight's box went to charity, J.J. I don't know why I

let you come into my club.

[J.J.] Let me? Let me... You begged me.

[Kent] Beg? Ah, come... I don't need this crap!

[J.J.] Are you going now?

[Jake] Now, this is a show.

[J.J.] You gonna leave all this glass here? You wanna see me cut myself, is that it?

[Stan] Tyler, can you go clean that up?

[Tyler] No problem.

[J.J.] I... [Stan] P.I.'s you told me to hire.

[J.J.] Hardcastle and McCormick, right? Right. Okay, I need

someone to keep the dingdongs away from me. Anyone certifiable show them to the door.

[Jake] We're detectives. We don't do security.

[J.J.] Aw, sensitive body guards. Just what I was looking

for. Find the stalker and shut him up, okay?

[Jake] Well we just... we need to ask you a couple of questions.

[Stan] You can direct your questions to me.

[J.J.] Get that thing out of here!

[Jake] Now that's funny.

[J.J.] Aw.

Sync by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com

♪ oh yeah ♪

♪ oh yeah ♪

♪ oh yeah ♪

♪ oh, yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah♪

♪ oh, yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah♪

♪ oh yeah ♪

[J.J.] As if being on this God forsaken rock wasn't enough. I

hate clowns! Stan, I hate 'em!

[Stan] I know, J.J., just try to stay calm.

[J.J.] Look, I wanted to get my game back in front of morons who

don't know better then work my way back to real cities.

[Stan] Hiring private investigators is a tad excessive.

[J.J.] No. Keep this stalker, whatever, quiet.

[Jake] Quiet? What do you mean?

[J.J.] So we don't spook the network.

[Stan] The execs are coming up this weekend.

[Jake] Right, but, having a stalker, isn't that a good thing? Make you seem more

important, or whatever?

[J.J.] Okay. Now the sensitive body guard is giving me show biz

advice. Allow me to reciprocate, find the stalker!

[Jake] "Dead men don't laugh."

[Mal] Any idea what this note means?

[J.J.] No. But the logic holds up, don't ya say?

[Tyler] It's Pam, network.

[J.J.] Pamcakes! Yeah. No, no, no. I couldn't be better, unless

I was in a bathtub with you!

[Tyler] I'm, uh, Tyler.

[Mal] Mal.

[Tyler] The bottle washer around here, and cook, and pillow

fluffer. J.J. may seem like a jerk, but he's actually cool.

[Mal] Oh, you wanna be a comedian, Tyler?

[Tyler] I am a comedian, and a screenwriter. The world just doesn't know it yet.

[J.J.] Tyler! Food! Stan, bring the car around, moron! Don't be a moron like Stan.

[Tyler] I won't.

[J.J.] And 25 new jokes for breakfast, okay? None of that

"newfie" crap. They hate that here.

[Tyler] No "newfie", okay, got it.

[J.J.] Okay. Let's find the maniac stalker before the network gets here on Saturday.

[Jake] This might be a stupid question, but, um, do you know

of anyone who might have a grudge against you? Or?

[J.J.] Just Google me to find out, hotshot. Find the freak.

[Mal] Look. There's our club owner, Kent.

[Jake] Look at that hair.

"Catfud." Nothing says the 80's like a mount pearl curl, huh.

[Leslie] Hey. How are ya? Good.

Yeah, me too. Uh, listen, I'll have to... I'll call you back later. Bye.

[Hood] I put honey in instead of sugar. It's better for you.

You're all smiles.

[Leslie] What. So?

[Hood] I'm just saying. You look happy.

[Leslie] Frankly, it's none of your business. I'm your partner;

not your little sister, not your wife. Got me?

[Chantel] I talked to Dylan.

He's prime to buy the whole crop.

[Tinny] Dylan? The guy who stiffed you for the equipment?

That's who you want to sell to?

[Chantel] He's the only dealer I know.

[Tinny] He can't come here. No one can.

[Chantel] I already texted him the address. He isn't mad that

you kicked him in the nads.

[Tinny] What part of secret underground drug operation didn't you get?

[Chantel] He thinks you're cute.

You could think about having some fun once in a while. His

car's in right-hand drive, and you wanna go to London. It's karma.

[Tinny] You're an idiot.

[Chantel] And I'm your best friend. What's that say about you?

[Mal] Enemies of J.J. Murphy?

[Jake] I just met the guy and I want to kill him.

[Des] So this is the stuff they've gotten from the stalker?

[Jake] Is that mould?

[Des] J.J.'s a bit of a germaphobe. The stalker's trying to freak him out.

[Rose] Plus the stole some clothes and hair brush.

[Des] You know, if I was a stalker, I'd go for the good stuff like, you know, like a

journal, you know a cute picture. Or that pretty anklet she always wears. I mean he

wears. I mean, yes, yes, what?

[Jake] Maybe the stalker's someone J.J. knows, like, uh, an

ex-girlfriend or something?

[Des] Marlon Brando had a stalker who wanted to kill and

eat him... Oh my God! Is that a clown in a jar?

[Rose] You guys? Okay, check this out, "dead men don't

laugh." That's a strange threat, don't you think?

[Jake] You didn't see his act.

[Mal] Whatcha dig up about ol' J.J.?

[Rose] Well, uh, never been married. No family to speak of.

Left the island about 26 years ago, moved to New York, hit it

big with squid dude on SNL.

[Des] Lock it down!

[Des] That one sketch where squid dude, and he's so nervous

and he keeps lockin' the prison down. It's his, it's his, uh,

best, best work, I think.

[Mal] What about J.J.'s staff?

[Rose] Manager here has been with him for 5 years.

Single-handedly got J.J. Back into the main stream. And then

Tyler is the third intern hired in a year. And this guy, Kent,

club owner. He and J.J. used to have a comedy act together, and

J.J. dumped him when he hit it big.

[Jake] What about Mrs. with the, uh, hair?

[Rose] Rhonda stride. I cannot find anything on her. It's like she disappeared.

[Jake] Alright, father, let's start at the beginning I suppose.

[Mal] Yeah.

[Jake] So Kent's his old improv partner, so what?

[Mal] We should talk to him.

[Jake] Uh, just give me a second, alright? Hey there.

[Allison] Hi. Staking out parking meters? That's good, no job too small, huh?

[Jake] Yeah, huh. Well this is, uh, a real coincidence seeing

you here. Why is it I, uh, always feel so nervous around you?

[Allison] You're nervous around me?

[Jake] Maybe its, um, because you're such a powerful type.

Person, woman.

[Allison] And do you have a problem with powerful person women?

[Jake] Well not in general. I mean, I don't have a problem

with powerful people at all, unless they're, of course, meat heads.

[Allison] Eloquent.

[Jake] Let's go out. Seriously.

[Allison] That's it? That's your pitch?

[Jake] Yeah.

[Allison] Does that usually work for you?

[Jake] Nope.

[Allison] But you keep trying.

Practice makes perfect.

[Jake] What?

[Mal] Take your ball and go home, son. She's out of your league.

[Jake] You know, it's your constant support that sees me through the troubling times.

[Mal] I do what I can.

Zero chance with that lawyer. Zero.

[Jake] Those, uh, how to inspire your family tapes, they're really paying off.

[Mal] No hope.

[Kent] That's good.

[Photographer] Yeah.

[Kent] Box office doesn't open until noon, fellas.

[Jake] We work for J.J. Murphy.

This is Malachy, I'm Jake Doyle. We were here last night when he had

his little clown incident.

[Kent] Right. Bodyguards. I remember a time, years ago, when

J.J. almost wet himself at the sound of an ice cream truck.

[Kent] Yeah, creepy clown incident. I don't know who's

responsible, but whoever it is, I'm a huge fan.

[Jake] Really? It wouldn't have anything to do with an old "catfud" grudge, would it?

[Kent] That was another life.

[Mal] J.J. makes it big. You run a club. Might make a guy a tad bitter?

[Kent] I own the club. He's playin' it. What goes around, comes around.

[Jake] After J.J. bailed on you, why didn't you, and uh, Rhonda

here, carry on with the troop?

[Mal] Speaking of Rhonda, do you have any idea where we might find her?

[Kent] No. I haven't seen her in years. J.J.'s big comeback,

makes a second fall that much sweeter.

[Mal] Hey, that's the creepy kid we saw at the club.

[Jake] So it is. Hey, buddy. Do you got a sec? I just need to talk... to... you.

[Jake] Hey! Kid! I thought you wanted to meet J.J. I can

introduce you if you like. He's a swell guy. Maybe I can get you an autograph?

[Mal] So you lost him, did ya?

Coulda made that happen myself.

[Jake] Ah-ha-ha. Look what he left behind. Vintage J.J.

Material.

[Mal] He musta been pretty scared off to leave it.

[Stan] Hey, hey, hey Leah! Is that our garbage?

[Leah] You got your job, Stan, I got mine.

[Stan] Get outta here! And you, you are so fired.

[Mal] I can see why they call it the entertainment business.

[J.J.] More, more, more. Too much! Scrape it off. Not with

your finger. Leah Jordan is a blogger. Leah's lowdown, need I say more?

[Mal] What was she looking for?

[J.J.] Tyler? Jokes? Whatta ya got?

[Tyler] Uh, at dinner, everyone at my house used to ask for

the turkey leg. Dad would say, "what do you think we have here?

A spider?"

[J.J.] Pass.

[Tyler] One time I was on a plane, about to land... [J.J.] Awful, just awful! You're

getting worse. They're just terrible. Go over there somewhere.

[Jake] Hey, Don Rickles, focus.

Why was Leah Jordan going through your trash?

[J.J.] Well, how should I know?

[Stan] I'm telling ya, she's your stalker. Why wait for a

story, when you could create it yourself? It's her way of making news.

[Jake] Yeah? What about Kent and Rhonda?

[J.J.] Oh, those two comic hacks. I carried them for 5

years, and they have a beef with me? They were like leeches. They were like...

[Tyler] Like leeches doctors were using them to cure infection.

[J.J.] Yes, that's not bad.

That's, that's getting there.

[Stan] Woah, woah.

[Jake] He's still breathing.

Tyler, call an ambulance!

♪Yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah♪

[Nikki] We pumped his stomach, and we're waiting on the lab results.

[Jake] Okay, well I'm pretty sure he was poisoned. So, if you

find anything, let me know.

[Nikki] If I could test the food he was eating, that would be helpful.

[Jake] Alright, I'll find the food, no problem.

[Nikki] Hey, um, if you commit to dinner Saturday night, I will

do that for you. Please. David is a really good guy, Jake.

[Jake] Look, Nikki, I can see how dinner with you and your new

fiancé, slash divorce lawyer, who happened to rob me blind in

our settlement would be fun for you, but me, not so much. Uh... fine.

[Nikki] Great. Saturday, 8. And don't use that thing in the hospital.

[Des] Hello? Jake, what are you doing? Me? I'm slaying monsters,

metaphorically speaking of course.

[Jake] Whatever. Des, find the food that J.J. was eating and

bring it to the hospital for Nikki, okay?

[Des] Oh, no, we threw it out, man. J.J. hates when there's

food around. We threw it in the garbage.

[Jake] I don't care! Find it.

The other option is you can sort through the remnants of J.J.'s bowel movements.

[Des] Hey, how would you like to get into the bowels of private investigating?

[J.J.] Good morning.

[Leah] J.J., what happened? Did someone really try to poison you?

[J.J.] No. But I learned something, if you want to eat endangered species, make sure

they're declawed.

[Leah] It's all a big joke, isn't it, J. J.? You were poisoned by a stalker. You've

been threatened before?

[J.J.] Leah Jordan, ladies and gentlemen, thinks that writing a

blog means she's a journalist.

[Leah] "Shut up and dance."

"Last chance to leave. " "End of the laugh line." I found these

in your garbage, you've been receiving death threats.

[Stan] Oy, oy, uh, he's gotta get his rest.

[J.J.] See ya, folks!

[Stan] Give me those! I'm not playing with ya, Leah. Next time

I'll have you arrested.

[Jake] J.J.'s hiding something from us.

[Mal] Question is, why?

[Chantel] Tinny? It's Dylan.

He's here to see you.

[Tinny] You invited him.

[Dylan] What's going on, ladies?

It's a beautiful day. What's going on here? Expert work. I'm wearing a cup this time.

[Tinny] Really? You can't tell.

[Dylan] You got any beers? You know, make a little toast to new business?

[Chantel] There's, eh uh, peach cooler in the fridge.

[Dylan] Oh, uh, ca s some people, have a little party.

[Chantel] Sounds great.

[Dylan] You cool with that, tin-tin?

[Tinny] Just post the grow-op on Facebook, and then every skeet

in town can come rip us off.

[Dylan] You're funny. I like funny girls.

[Tinny] And I like smart guys.

And call me tin-tin again, and you'll need more than a cup to protect you.

[Tyler] P.I., sounds cool, I mean when you're not digging through garbage.

[Des] Yeah, it's like, I got this brain, right, that's just

like naturally inclined towards like, logic and investigation.

It'd be a sin to waste, man.

[Tyler] Uh-huh.

[Des] Look at this! When will people learn? Our planet, our home! Sorry.

[Tyler] It's okay.

[Des] So, uh, you want to be a comedian?

[Tyler] Yeah. And a screenwriter. I've got this "Squid Dude" script, J.J.'s

gonna read it when he gets a sec. It's all about timing, right?

[Des] Timing, yeah, man. For sure. You know, and skill, and

talent helps. And luck, but it's mostly talent.

[Tyler] Yo, yo! Check it out.

[Des] Ah, nice work man! Man.

[Tyler] Okay, you can have it.

[Des] Sorry, sorry, man. I just got a little excited... Something's alive! Something

just touched me! Something just touched me!

[Rose] Okay. "Leah's lowdown."

She's a big fan of his old material, and it looks like her

blog has put him back on the network radar.

[Jake] So she loved him once.

[Mal] And now she suddenly hates his guts.

[Jake] Sounds like every relationship I've ever had. How much you wanna bet that says

J.J. was sleeping with her? It's always about the sex.

[Rose] Oh, hell hath no fury.

[Jake] Like a person dumped.

Exactly. What about Rhonda?

[Rose] I searched high and low.

There's no Rhonda stride anywhere on this island. Maybe she changed her name?

[Jake] Would you mind looking into that for us?

[Rose] Yeah.

[Jake] I'm gonna go to the hotel, see who's coming and going.

[Mal] You, uh, you wanna go to the hall of records, dig around some old files?

[Rose] You really know how to talk to a girl. Get her all hot and bothered.

[Mal] They have periodicals.

[Rose] Ah, let's go! Hey what are you up to?

[Des] Uh, I'm reading the script, "The Squid Dude and the Boy from Bay Bul."

It's Tyler's script. I'm already on act 9, and it's pretty wicked.

Although the parallels within the narrative are somewhat

opaque. Could do with a bit more nudity though.

[Rose] Let's go.

[Jake] Pursuing? I'm not pursuing anyone. I asked her out. What's the big deal?

[Walter] I work with her, Jake.

Look, all I ask, is that you don't make this my problem, seriously.

[Jake] Well why did you, you know, introduce me to her in the first place?

[Walter] Jake, you don't need to sleep with every woman I

introduce you to. Although she is extraordinarily hot.

[Jake] Hold on for a second.

I've got another call. Yeah?

[Allison] How's the pitch coming?

[Jake] Allison! Hey-hi-hello there. How, how are you?

[Allison] So?

[Jake] Yes.

[Allison] Yes? I think what you mean is Saturday night, 8

o'clock, dinner. Pick me up.

[Jake] Do-do you mean that you pick me up, or I pick you up?

[Allison] You'll figure it out.

[Jake] Oh, wha-wait... Ah, I can't do... Walter, buddy, I gotta go. I'll call you back.

[Allison] Walter.

[Nikki] So, I've settled on prime rib for Saturday. [Jake] Yeah, uh, listen. About

that, something kinda came up.

[Nikki] No dinner, no tox report. Got me?

[Jake] I love prime rib.

[Nikki] Perfect. So, Des dropped by with a nasty bit of tuna. It

was filled with glycopyrronium.

[Jake] Glycoper-what?

[Nikki] Medication used in terminal care. It makes it hard

to breathe for a healthy person.

[Jake] Really? Hey, thank you. I appreciate it. Can I keep this?

[Nikki] Mhmm. Saturday, no excuses. I know where you live.

[Jake] I've got your new fiancé to thank for that.

[Rose] Okay. Rhonda girl, where are you? Oh! Hi.

[Rose] Where is this coming from all of a sudden?

[Mal] I don't know, but everything just seems right in the world. I'm feeling great;

You're looking great. Even the granddaughter we have at home is

acting great, don't'ya think?

[Rose] Tinny's really growing into herself, isn't she?

[Mal] I'll have you all to me self.

[Rose] Now, question is, what are you gonna do with me?

[Mal] Hmmm.

[Mal] Let's go.

[Tyler] A palliative care drug?

Who would do that to J.J.?

[J.J.] My series is about to be ordered. Just when things are going right for me...

[Jake] Okay, J.J., sit down. I need you to stay calm, alright.

No Leah Jordan. You wanna tell me about her; Any idea why she'd

be hanging out with your old comedy partner, Kent?

[Stan] Jake! Why aren't you dressed? We have the thing with the mayor in an hour.

[Tyler] He's getting an award from the city.

[Jake] Good for him. J.J., Leah Jordan. Is there anything about

her in your past I should know?

[J.J.] Okay... [Stan] J. J. Just keep that to yourself.

[J.J.] I slept with her. A couple of times. Then I dumped her. It's an old story.

[Jake] You see, this is the kind of information that'll help me

do my job. All right, what about Kent? Is there anything about

him? Did you sleep with him too?

[J.J.] Kent was a hack. He still is hack. He's lucky to even know

me. Look, I banged a lotta chicks. Do you wanna list of them all? I'll get right onto

that. As a matter of fact, ask Tyler, he probably keeps track.

His nose is so far up my ass... [Stan] Just grab your clothes

and get dressed in the limo.

[J.J.] Stan! You're worse than the kid. He's got talent. What do you got?

[Des] Lock it down!

[Jake] Des, what do you want?

[Des] Uh, this was, uh, taped to the door.

[J.J.] Ah, jeeze.

[Jake] Woah. Just... "Revenge of the Squid Gal"?

[Des] Oh my God. Is that human hair?

[Des] Looks like it... [Jake] Shut up!

[J.J.] Oh, I hate clowns.

[Leslie] Can't you hit on a parking meter cop or something?

[Jake] Ha, ha, ah. Here, look.

Take a look a this.

[Leslie] Is that hair?

[Jake] Yeah, I think so. My, uh, client, he's been getting some weird threats lately.

[Leslie] Jake, fine, whatever. I really don't care. Goodbye.

[Jake] Well... okay... look, I know you're going out with mayor

and you're not with me and we gotta be friends or whatever.

You don't have to be mean about it.

[Leslie] Look, I got enough childish men in my life, so

would you knock it off? I don't need it from you.

[Jake] Leslie, I was joking, by, what's wrong with ya?

[Leslie] Sorry.

[Jake] Are ya all right?

[Mal] What was that?

[Jake] I don't know.

[Mal] Rhonda stride is now Rhonda peck. Still tracking down an address.

[Jake] Rhonda ck.

[Mayor Clarke] Let's get right to the real attraction. Ladies

and gentlemen, J.J. Murphy!

[J.J.] Thank you.

[Mal] Look who showed up.

[Jake] Our super fan.

[J.J.] Thank you! What? Oh!

[Jake] What's he doing? Come on.

[J.J.] Thank you! I was kinda hoping for the keys to the city.

[J.J.] I wanted to have an opportunity to enter all your

homes and see you naked. Just to thank you personally, is that

possible? And now I get a plaque instead. Now, seriously, this is

a wonderful honour. This... Sorry, does this have a name?

[J.J.] Well nice save, idiot.

Nothing happened. Except that.

[Jake] Coulda been worse. Coulda had to listen to the rest of your act.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

[Leslie] The ice cream truck was reported stolen an hour ago.

We'll check it for prints.

[Jake] Thank you.

[Leslie] Uh, Bill... mayor Clarke, this is, uh, this is Jake Doyle.

[Mayor Clarke] I owe you. You saved my life.

[Jake] Yeah well, you can blow up Atlantic place, we'll call it even.

[Hood] Steering wheel was tied off. Knife was, uh, stuck in the

gas pedal. We found this.

[Jake] "Exit stage left."

[Leslie] Does that mean anything to ya?

[J.J.] No, but it's good advice.

[Jake] That guy's hilarious.

Take it easy with all the condos. Don't screw up the city.

[Mal] We have a reporter who hates him. A club owner who hates him.

[Rose] A crazed, super-fan who loves him. An old troop member we can't find.

[Jake] Of course there's J.J.

who both loves and hates himself.

[Des] The monkey was the killer!

[Jake] What was that, Desdemona?

[Des] Super fan fiction. They're stories, or works, written by

fans themselves based on their favourite show or character, but

the beauty with fan fiction is that sometimes they engage in

self insertion, where the writer actually puts himself, or herself, into the script.

[Jake] So did, uh, Tyler self insert himself?

[Des] No, he didn't, but 49 characters and no Tyler character, so I guess he's not a

super fan.

[Jake] No, but Ryan is.

[Rose] Yeah, if he loves him so much, why'd he scratch all his eyes out?

[Jake] Do we have an address for Ryan Brenton?

[Des] I can get it.

[Leslie] Hi there.

[Mayor Clarke] Well, believe it or not, that is not the

strangest ceremony I have ever presided over.

[Leslie] Thank God you're okay.

[Mayor Clarke] Well, thank God that Doyle guy was there.

[Leslie] It's nice to get a quiet second with ya anyway. You

know, um, I'm not sure how much more of this secrecy thing I can

deal with. It's starting to get on my nerves, to be honest.

[Mayor Clarke] Yeah? You know it's cuz I'm ashamed of you,

right? Truly, I'm just saying, you're horrible to look at.

[Leslie] I'm serious. Sort of.

[Mayor Clarke] Let's just take our time, okay? I mean, we'll

see how you feel in a little while. You're gonna find out

sooner or later that I'm a total dink, way too old for you, and

all the rest. So, before we announce you on the ballot,

maybe we should wait to see if you dump me first.

[Jake] Hello? Crazy, super-fan?

Anyone home?

[Jake] Is this literally a list of J.J.'s worst fears?

[Mal] Okay, I'm even getting freaked out. This is pretty weird.

[Jake] Uh, yeah. Look at this.

Every one of these drawers is labeled. This is creepy man.

Look at this. Woah! Jackpot.

"Squid dude" memorabilia. Xe

[Jake] Yeah, I know. I had the blue one. Ah, shhh. You hear

that? What are you waiting for?

Go get him! Go on!

[Kent] Look guys, I'm not the stalker. Leah the blogger was paying me for dirt. I was

looking for the tape.

[Jake] So what were you doing at Ryan's?

[Kent] Weird kid. Collects everything J.J. I sold it to him

a while back, along with all the other "catfud" stuff. No one

else on the planet has this tape.

[Mal] Why are the buttons on this thing so small?

[Jake] Just give it to me, will ya? I can't even believe you still have a VCR.

[J.J.] But these prisoners are just enjoying the sunny day.

[Rhonda] Then we betta lock it down!

[Mal] Is that Rhonda as squid gal?

[Kent] Yeah. Rhonda was the real brains of the troop. She and

J.J., they were a big couple.

Then he dumped her, and... [Jake] Stole her material.

[Kent] Every word.

[Mal] I wonder how the network would react if they found out

their new show as based on stolen material.

[Jake] What's the name of this bit?

[Kent] Um, that's "Revenge... Revenge of the Squid Gal." Yeah.

[Jake] So, I'm guessing that, uh, all these; They're the names of other sketches?

[Kent] There's only three people in world who would know that.

Me, J.J. and Rhonda.

[Jake] And Ryan, our super fan, he'd make 4. Can you remember

the names of any other ones?

[Kent] Well we always closed with "take the plunge."

[Jake] Sorry. Excuse me. Yeah.

[J.J.] Yeah, it's me. Wanna drink?

[Jake] Sure. Just, uh, stay where you are. It's J.J.

I'm guessing it's either Ryan or Rhonda. It has to be one of

them. Where are you? I'm coming to you now.

[Jake] Hey there.

[J.J.] You know Marlon Brando, he had a stalker. She and her

husband had a plan to kill Brando and to eat him.

[Jake] I actually already knew that.

[J.J.] But she loved Brando so much, she confessed everything to him.

[Jake] Oh yeah? What did Brando do?

[J.J.] He banged her.

[Jake] Well, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that course of action for you, in

this particular situation.

[J.J.] We had a gig up here once. Our last gig. "Catfud."

"Take the plunge," at the end of the show we pretended to jump

off. Stupid gag, never worked.

You wanna know a secret? I'm not funny. I never was. I'm a fraud.

[Jake] I know. Rhonda stride.

You stole her material, and then you got rich. That kinda thing,

it tends to leave a mark.

[J.J.] I ripped off her entire act, 20 years ago. She made me

famous. You gonna turn me in?

Expose me?

[Jake] You hired me to find your stalker, not find out where you

get your crappy material.

[J.J.] Rhonda's the one who's been making the threats.

[Jake] Looks like it. She wrote me, called; I never opened one

letter. I sent them all back. I was afraid she'd go public with

this tape, expose me for what I am.

[Jake] We should go to the cops now, before this goes any further.

[J.J.] You find her. I wanna face her about this. I owe her that. Finally, finally.

[J.J.] What? What do ya mean?

Yeah? You serious? Uh, okay.

I'll... Okay. Fine. They just ordered the show. I've been picked up. It's green lit.

[Jake] Congratulations.

[J.J.] You just bring me Rhonda, okay? I need to face her. Make this right.

[Dylan] Tin-tin. Sorry, Tinny.

Where ya going? You need a ride?

[Tinny] I can walk. Thanks.

[Dylan] You know, fear is a real hindrance in life.

[Tinny] Deep stuff. Good on ya!

[Dylan] Okay. Please let me take you home.

[Tinny] Did you drink?

[Dylan] Not a drop.

[Tinny] Alright. Right-hand drive. Weird.

[Mal] Rose had a hell of a time finding Rhonda's address.

[Jake] But J.J., I dunno, it might be just me, but I almost

feel like there's a change in him.

[Mal] He growin' on ya?

[Jake] Well no, I wouldn't say that exactly, maybe it's just

the, you know... Ow! The idea that Rhonda could be his stalker. Him knowing that is

giving him ease.

[Mal] Rhonda? We're not here to cause any trouble. J.J. Murphy

would like to talk to you.

[Jake] We got bills, bills, couple of insurance cheques.

Here. Mail man! Hello?

[Mal] Rhonda?

[Jake] Doesn't look like anyone's been here for a while.

Cisplatin, altretamine, what the hell's this?

[Mal] Cancer drugs. I saw enough of those before. With your

mother, before she died. Lookie here, Ryan's not the only one with a J.J. obsession.

[Jake] Well, at least Ryan's very neat about his.

[Mal] Wow, these are all addressed to J.J. in New York.

[Jake] "Return to sender,"

"return to sender. " "Return to sender" on all of them.

[Mal] J.J.'s hairbrush that was stolen.

[Jake] Really? This one's addressed to an Alphonso Peck.

It's a paternity test... between J.J. Murphy and Rhonda. Dad? I

think this kid, Alphonso, is J.J.'s son.

[Mal] Jake?

[Jake] Well, there's Rhonda.

[Mal] That's one mystery solved.

♪ Yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeah ♪

[Leslie] You're in big trouble here.

[Jake] What do you think happened? I killed her, I froze

her, I found her, then I called you? Look, I'm aware I come up

with a lot of excuses to see you.

[Leslie] You just stumbled upon Rhonda stride's body?

[Mal] There's no external wounds. I think she had terminal cancer.

[Leslie] You examined her?

[Jake] Well, uh, you know, just a quick scan, nothing extensive.

You know, moved a few TV dinners around.

[Mal] Found some cheques in the mailbox. I've seen it before.

Beneficiary hides the body to keep collecting the pension cheques.

[Leslie] The son, yeah. We've been trying to track him down.

Whoever it is.

[Jake] We're free to go.

[Leslie] There's a body in the freezer.

[Jake] Yup.

[Leslie] Don't go far, Jake.

[Jake] So, let's track down Alphonso. You thinking what I'm thinking?

[Mal] Super fan went super crazy?

[J.J.] Thank you. I love you too. You in particular. How do

you spell that? I'll just bluff it. Now I'd be happy to sign any

body parts. Anyone... Yes, here we go. There we go. That'll be

$32.50. Don't worry, I'll pay you, sweetheart. Uh, you have to

put it on first before I'll sign it. Stan! Tyler, Tyler!

[Tyler] You go him, p.I.?

[Des] Nice work. I got him, I got him. I got him.

[Ryan] I just wanted to get him to sign it.

[J.J.] Okay, okay, folks.

[Ryan] I love you, J.J.!

[Des] Woah-oh, that's what they all say.

[J.J.] Get me outa here.

[Stan] Tyler, get him outa here.

Bring the car around.

[J.J.] We just wanted to meet the funniest man in the world.

[Jake] Where's J.J.?

[Des] I caught him. I got the... [Ryan] I'm not the stalker. I

love J.J. I'm the president of J.J.'s online fan club. I have credentials.

[Jake] Woah-oh-oh, Des?

[Des] What? Oh yeah, I got him.

[Jake] Is your name Alphonso?

[Ryan] What? My name's Ryan.

Ryan Brenton. If you don't believe me, ask my dad. He's a supreme court judge.

[Mal] If you love J.J. so much, how come you scratched the eyes out in those albums?

[Ryan] I didn't! They were like that when I bought them from

Kent. I paid 30 bucks for them, but they're priceless.

[Jake] Stan, how old is Tyler?

[Stan] About 26. Des, you say that in fan fiction, the writer

writes himself into a script, right?

[Des] Yeah, yeah. Why?

[Jake] So in Tyler's script was... [Mal] Was there a character named Alphonso?

[Des] Yeah, he, he's the lead.

How'd you know?

[Jake] I think I know where they are.

[Tyler] Drink up. You deserve it.

[J.J.] This place... It's weird you brought me up here...

[Tyler] "Catfud" did their last show here, huh?

[J.J.] Yeah, how'd you know that?

[Tyler] You did a rooftop show, you pretended you were the

Beatles, you had a sold out crowd. But the audience was, uh...

[J.J.] Up here on the roof with us. How did you know that?

[Tyler] It was right before you and Kent and Rhonda broke off.

You took off to New York, and you stole squid gal.

[J.J.] Tyler? Did I tell you this?

[Tyler] I had fun being around you. Watching you work dumpy

clubs, watching you suffer. A hack. You're a terrible person.

A terrible, terrible person.

Dad, she died... mom.

[J.J.] Uh?

[Tyler] She's dead. She's dead.

[J.J.] Wait? Wha... [Tyler] My mother, Rhonda, is dead. Did you hear that, dad?

[J.J.] Why do you keep calling me dad?

[Tyler] You know, I took this job to get to know you better,

to find out why. To hurt you... somehow.

[Jake] It's true, J.J. He's your son. Okay. Let's just stay calm,

everyone. Okay, Tyler.

[Mal] Take it easy.

[Tyler] Just get back! I'll push him over and I'll go with him. I

don't care anymore. Just stay back!

[Mal] Okay.

[Jake] We found your mother, Tyler.

[Mal] This morning.

[Tyler] I didn't do anything wrong. She told me to do it, to

keep getting the insurance cheques. She wanted me to go to university...

[J.J.] What the hell are you talking about... [Tyler] Stay still!

[Mal] He really is your son, J.J.

[J.J.] Whatta know? Oh, well I don't suppose anyone has a cigar?

[Tyler] Another joke, huh, dad?

[Jake] Woah. Okay. Let's just stay cool here, yeah?

[Tyler] Just stay back!

[J.J.] If he wants to kill me, let him. You wanna kill me kid?

Go ahead! I loved your mother. I always did. And yes, I am a hack

and a thief. Let him kill me, guys. It's okay. I am a hack.

Yeah, yeah, let him kill me.

[Jake] You're not helping J.J.

Just...

[J.J.] I have a son. He wants to kill me, but, uh, even so, it's

better than the relationship I had with my father.

[Tyler] Why did you do it? Why did you ruin her life?

[J.J.] I'm sorry, kid. I, um... I'm really sorry.

[Tyler] No!

[J.J.] Hey! Hey, don't hurt him.

He's my son. Right on, boy.

[Mal] Welcome to parenthood.

[Jake] Now that there, that's a real father.

♪ Oh yeah ♪

[Jake] Hey, um, Nikki.

[Nikki] Hey. Look at you.

[Jake] Yeah. Just look at you. Um, I hope you don't mind.

I brought a friend. Allison, this is Nikki. Nikki, this is Allison.

[Nikki] Oh.

[Allison] Hi.

[Nikki] Hello.

[David] Hey, Jake buddy, glad you could make it. We... Oh, we

wanted to introduce you to uh... [Nikki] No, honey.

[Jill] Hi. Hello.

[Jake] Well I'm, um, starved.

[David] So, um, Allison, you're- you're a lawyer, right?

[Allison] You know, I think I left my berry in the car, so I'm

just gonna, I'm just gonna go get it... I'm sorry, I'll just be a minute.

[Jake] I'll be... I'll just be right back. Just...

[Allison] So you take me to a dinner where your ex-wife is trying to set you up with

another woman?

[Jake] Sorry about that.

[Allison] It's a-hell-of a first date.

[Jake] I'm a classy guy, what can I say?

[Allison] Well you're an original, that's for sure. You think this is going where you

think it is going?

[Jake] I have no idea.

[Allison] I need to get that.

[Jake] Okay.

[Allison] It's my husband.

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