Original subtitles

Yes, let's trot.

- Faster! Faster! - What the hell is going on here?

- Goddamn it, Hoyle. - What are you doing to my daughter?

We're not even blood related. You are my stepfather.

I was married to her mother after she was born.

- She's not my blood daughter - Uh-huh. Oh.

But we later found each other and now we've...

Okay, Hoyle, you have to get out of here. You can't keep doing this.

I'm sorry, I apologize for the interruption, sir.

Understood.

Listen, I put an application for you at the tannery.

I am not working at a tannery.

All you have to do is take the animal carcasses

and dip them in the lye.

It dissolves some of the hair off of them...

You are not selling this well.

You can't be a whore forever. It's a very short window.

She doesn't need to be one forever, just for another ten or 15 minutes.

- Hoyle. I went and got your antlers, - Yes.

And you were gone. What are you doing in here?

- I'm talking to Pearl. - Pearl has a customer right now.

Honey?

Theo?

Honey. I thought you were dead.

I thought you were killed in the war.

No, no, no, I was captured behind enemy lines.

Who the hell is this?

I, sir, am Colonel Theodore O'Chestney.

Honey's fianc�.

Hey, Pearl, I'm sorry to interrupt.

It's just it's 10:20 and I had a 10:15.

See, this is why I don't want you to do this.

Just go dip raccoons in a vat.

Honey. My sweet Honey,

you are the same vision of beauty

that you have always been and always will be.

I can't wait to start our life again back in Charleston.

- I don't know, Theo. - We could go back. We could start again.

We could have the life that we always wanted.

I look in your eyes and you are the same young girl that...

They are pretty. But she's not the same, and, you know,

I feel like you can't go back.

- This is my saloon. - This is her life.

- This is what I've made of my life. - This is what she's made of it.

- Can you get out of the way? - I thought you were talking to me

- This whole time. - I'm talking to Theo. Please, move.

I'm talking to my fianc�e, if you don't mind.

This is my business and I like the life I've created here, Theo.

- You own this business? - Yes, I own this business.

- You like this? - She loves it.

- I love it. - Love it.

Look, where the hell have you been? The war ended a decade ago.

I was in the battle of Manassas Run.

- Manassas Run? Me neither. - I haven't heard of that.

After the blast of a cannon, I was caught behind enemy lines.

When I finally realized where I was, I was in Connecticut

far, far, deep into the territory of the enemy.

- In Connecticut? - Yeah.

I tried to get back to you every day.

- Why didn't you just walk back? - Yeah, what got in your way?

I tried to walk back, but there's a lot of rivers and hills and mountains.

So for eight years, you were just wandering around the North?

No, for two. Then it took me a couple years just to kind of even out

and just feel like myself again.

And then there were two years where I got into the silk business.

Sounds like you deserted.

What did you say, sir?

Well, I mean, you say you got "behind enemy lines..."

I was caught in battle.

It must be uncomfortable to be a deserter.

Touch my leg again.

- Touch it one more time. - Don't. Don't do it.

- That makes him very mad. He doesn't... - But he's telling me...

Touch my leg again. Just see what happens.

Ow!

- Get off. - What...? Ah.

- Just stop. - Don't...

Oh, my God.

I already came four times. What is wrong with you?

Well, Hoyle and I were talking,

and he said that it's more pleasurable for a woman

- if you can last longer. - What?

No, just stop talking about Hoyle.

Why is Hoyle getting into everything I do?

You only think about Hoyle. Your life is dependent on Hoyle.

- I think about all kinds of things. - No, you don't.

Yeah, I do. I care... I care about having a brighter future.

Possibly involving you.

Look, when you get some ambition and want to do something with your life,

you can send me a wire.

- Until then, leave the money on the table. - All right.

Hey, tell Hoyle I'll be down in a second.

I'm just saying, a lot of people deserted. You were one of the deserters.

Don't you say that word. Don't say it, one more time.

- Did you kill anybody? - No.

- Did you get killed? - No.

- Did you get hurt? - No.

- Did you hurt anybody else? - No.

So, what did you do? You deserted.

Ow!

- I challenge you to a duel. - God.

You don't just hit people.

- Ow! - Accept it.

- Don't accept it. - Accept it.

- Ow! No, I won't. - Theo.

Let me finish this.

- Accept it. - Ow!

- Stop hitting him. - I'll stop it if you accept it.

- I'm not gonna accept it. - Accept it.

- Ow! - Accept it, you lily-liver. Accept it.

- Accept it. - Stop it. Ow!

All right, I will duel you.

At dawn, pistols, under a tree.

All right,

you each take a gun, you walk eight paces,

you turn and you shoot each other.

- What's a pace? - It's about twice as much as a step.

So we're doing 16 steps.

- It's eight paces. - You say there are two steps to a pace.

I'm doing 16 steps. It's easy...

Don't use your Harvard math on me, sir.

It's just times two.

The man holding the box just set the rules at eight paces.

Okay, fine, I'll do it, I'll do it.

Hoyle, don't you shoot him.

I don't want to. Tell him how good I am.

- I've told you how good he is. - You should be telling me

- not to shoot him. - Don't you snap talk at me, Theo.

- You like it when I snap talk at you. - What? You like it?

I like it sometimes if I'm feeling low.

See, this is another reason, Honey, that we're gonna be so good together

- when we get back home. - All right, screw it. Let's do this.

- All right. - That's what I wanted.

- You're gonna regret this. - Am I?

You hit me with those one more time, I'll shoot you right here, I swear to God.

No, no, no. The time for hitting with these is over.

The time for hitting with that begins.

Does he memorize this stuff?

- Are you ready? All right. - Yes.

Back to back.

One pace.

You're gonna say pace every time?

- Well, that's what... - I don't think you should.

All right, two,

three,

four,

five,

- six, - Oh, this is pathetic.

Seven,

eight.

All right, now turn.

Take aim.

Three,

two,

one.

Hoyle, don't.

- Fire. - Ah.

Fire.

Ah!

Ha-ha! Whoo!

Look who missed. I told you.

Yeah, I see that I missed.

You done missed with your shot, sir.

Ah! He can't shoot again.

Technically, until he's out of ammunition.

No, absolutely not. You can't do that, Theo.

- Don't tell me how a duel's done. - She's right.

If you shoot one more bullet at me, I'm going to respond, O'Chestney.

- Oh, really? - You wanna see what I can do?

- No, Hoyle. - Watch this.

You son of a bitch.

- Really? - Don't egg him on, Theo. Don't.

I'm really, really good. Watch where I'm looking.

You see?

- You weren't even looking at it. - It's called peripheral vision.

A lot of beginners hold with two hands.

- Oh, for chrissakes. - I'm not a beginner.

- You are. You can't shoot. - All right.

- Okay, fine. - Just hold it two hands.

Okay, this is gonna be the one. You better be ready now, boy.

Keep it steady. Hold your breath

- and squeeze easy. - Okay.

See? You're getting better.

- Okay, that's it. - Let's stop.

- You've gotten close enough. - Close enough don't cut it.

- We ain't playing horseshoes. - Hoyle!

- Stop it. Just stop it. - Don't you dare. Don't you dare shoot him.

- Stop it, O'Chestney. - Pull the trigger and shoot him.

- He's gonna shoot you. - I mean it, stop it!

- Ahh! - Ah!

- I had to. I had to do it. - Theo.

- Oh, Jesus. - Are you all right? Theo.

- It looks bad. Does it hurt? - It hurts real bad.

- It's a flesh wound. - The little bear got hit in the paw.

- My bear got an injured paw. - Yeah.

Now he needs some help from his nursey, right?

I need nursey to come and make it better.

- Your bear got a flesh wound. - Would you hush up?

I'm going to Dodge City to get him a doctor.

What? Get Shank to do it.

Oh, you want me to get Shank to work on his hand?

He'll turn it into a foot.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna take good care of my little bear-bear, okay?

- Thank you, mama bear. - You're welcome, baby bear.

Baby bear's gonna be in the cave waiting for mama bear.

Okay.

- Open the box. This duel is over. - No, don't open the box.

- We're opening the box. - We're opening the box.

All right, he's right down here. Come on in, Dr. Hang.

Colonel, someone's come all the way from Dodge City to... He's sleeping.

Everybody calm down. It's doctor here.

- Please. Please. - We're calm.

All right. We're all calm. I mean, he just got shot in the hand.

- How was he feeling last night? - He was a little feverish, you know?

Shh!

- Yes. Be quiet. - Shh!

- You shush. - I was the only one

- not saying anything. - You're shushing.

Shh!

- Oh. - What, he has a fever?

- He seemed a little feverish. - Yeah, he looks so tired.

- He dead. - What?

What are you talking about?

- What? - He's not dead.

My God, he's so cold.

How did he die? He was fine last night.

- We had a couple of whiskeys. - You had a couple whiskeys and what?

- That was it. - Then why he dead now?

- Yeah, why he dead now, Hoyle? - I don't know.

He's got some foam at the mouth. That indicates poison.

Poison?

- It's in the whiskey. - How could you?

- What? - How could you poison my fianc�?

I didn't poison him. I shot at him. I shot his hand.

I could have killed him in the duel.

Well, maybe you decided that was a mistake and you decided to finish him off.

You are the least likely suspect, but also the most likely suspect.

- Thank you, Eli. - I have no idea what that means.

Look, Hoyle, I'm gonna have to arrest you.

- What? - Thank you.

Just on suspicion, just for now.

- Here, I'm gonna take this as evidence. - What?

No, I didn't do it. That's ridi...

- This is ridiculous. - I know you did it. I know you did it.

I didn't do it!

Eli, listen to me. I did not kill Colonel O'Chestney, okay?

I didn't do it. Why? Why would I do it? What's my motive?

Because you were afraid that Honey was gonna run off south with him.

I could have shot him at the duel.

Which was deception on your part

in order to later poison him, fooling lesser minds,

but Detective Brocias was on the case.

You know I went to Harvard.

I took a toxicology class there from a Professor Forsyth.

He explained

that if a victim has that foam on the corner of their mouth,

it means they were poisoned with hellebore.

Hoyle,

so now it's the Indians.

When Eli says it's the Indians, it's never the Indians.

But when Hoyle says it's the Indians, it's the Indians?

- What are you talking about? - Hellebore.

- That's Comanche poison. - What?

Okay. Whoever poisoned him

got the poison from the Comanches.

All we gotta do is go to the Comanches,

find out who they traded it to and we know who the murderer is.

Can't do that, Hoyle.

Indians don't talk to us.

The Comanches especially don't talk to us.

Okay, the Comanches may not talk to you guys,

but that's because you're not Harvard graduates.

I will handle the Comanche.

- I am so sorry. - Yeah, well, good.

I was... It was a C-level Native American cultural studies class

that I took at Harvard and I am shocked that it took this course.

Gentlemen, if we could just have a moment?

I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.

Look at that.

Are they making fun of me?

Well, it's your hat.

I don't walk like that.

Presumably one of the other two is supposed to be me then, right?

Look at him just wa... Hello?

- Does anyone speak English? - They don't speak English, Hoyle.

Anyone speak English?

Do you know how easy it is to get kicked in the face

when you're buried up to your neck?

I got the vulcanized rubber condoms you wanted.

Oh, great, yeah, they're the new ones. You can throw them over there.

That reminds me, Pearl.

There's some stuff I been meaning to give you.

Have a seat on my bed.

I don't know if you've played with this at all,

but it's obviously a steam-powered vibrator.

- Yeah. - Why don't you put it in your room

and use it as you like,

but just make sure you don't let Wanda play with it.

Because that's how she knocked out her tooth, so...

And here are my nipple clamps.

You know, these are real pleasurable...

You know, maybe I'm gonna pack these with me.

Okay, and this is the buttocks plug.

It's part of a sister set with this.

Really, Clay Tidwell is the only one who asks for this.

But it's nice. You don't have to do much else.

Just tickle, tickle, seal it up.

- Easy. - Easy, breezy.

And, well, this is for Hoyle. You know, I use this to stop the poetry.

- Not gonna need that one anymore. - Aren't these your devices?

I mean, I can't take this from you.

They were. I'm not gonna do much with devices anymore.

- I think I'm gonna leave town. - What?

- Why do you call me? - Oh, thank God.

- Thank you for coming. - Finally, somebody who speaks English.

Hello, sir. My name is Sheriff John Henry Hoyle.

I'm the Sheriff of Great Bend. This is my deputy.

Hi, I'm Eli.

We're both waving a hearty hello to you right now.

- My name, Nacoma. - Well, I'm from Harvard.

- I went to university there. - Yes, I know of Harvard.

Most people do. I'm not surprised.

Anyhoo, I approached your men, I offered them some wampum.

- Wampum? - Yes.

That is standard operating procedure according to my professor.

- Is he Comanche? - No, he... Prussian.

Prussian. I do not know that tribe.

It's a professor exchange program we're having with the University of Prussia.

Prussia's across the ocean.

But he taught a course in our culture?

Look, Nacoma, I was just trying to find out some information.

Someone bought or traded for some hellebore from you people.

- Hellebore? - Yes, I wanted to trade some trinkets

in order to find this information out.

They could hang the trinkets from their costumes, perhaps.

You call this a costume?

Where did you get that necklace?

I know you're upset about O'Chestney, but, I mean, just take a couple days.

- And that'll just wash right off, you know? - It's not so much about O'Chestney, Pearl.

It's just, I am so tired of having to try and rely on a man

and then have a man let me down.

You know, first there was Theo

and he left for so long, and I thought for a tiny second

I might rely on Hoyle, but then look what he did.

But you own this place. I mean, what are you gonna do with the brothel?

I'm gonna leave it to you.

I want you to run things for a while, you know?

- I can't take it. - Pearl, you can.

You know you've become like a daughter to me.

And I'm just gonna go.

Hoyle didn't kill Theo.

- What are you talking about, Pearl? - Hoyle didn't kill Theo.

I did.

We make these necklaces.

You know where I got this chest plate? These are bones.

- Oh, Jesus. - From my family.

Oh, okay.

- How dare you? - I'm sorry.

Please, I apologize.

Actually, it is good you are buried in the Earth.

- Why? - Maybe you will learn to speak less,

think more.

Well, I hate to disagree with you,

but I think talking and communicating is very important.

In fact, the lack of communication is what got us in this mess.

I think what got us into this mess

was your talking.

Enjoy your death.

Well, maybe not a costume, maybe an outfit or a combination

or a wardrobe?

But why? I mean, why would you kill Theo?

When you went out to get a doctor,

the day he was a little feverish, I gave Theo a little whiskey, you know,

and he got to telling me that he had a plan,

that he was gonna marry you

he was gonna make you sell the brothel,

and then he was gonna take your money and leave you.

- He told you that? - Yes.

I couldn't let that happen to you, so I got myself a vial of poison

and I put it in Theo's drink.

Why didn't you just come to me and tell me about Theo's plan?

I knew if you loved Theo, that you wouldn't believe me, so...

I will always take a woman's word over a man's.

That's just common sense.

Well, that went really well.

Okay, I can hear the sarcasm there.

I don't... I don't know what you're talking about.

That went really well.

Well, we're in a pickle.

But there is an upside.

What is the upside?

The upside is, is that I have determined who actually killed Colonel O'Chestney.

- Who was it? - I need to speak to the person first

- and find out why they did it. - Was it me?

- Are you serious? - There are portions of most nights

that I sort of lose track of.

We're gonna die.

We're gonna die and we're gonna die slowly

unless wolves come and then we're gonna die quickly.

Guess what I'm doing right now.

- There aren't a lot of options. - I'm peeing.

Ugh.

I've been holding mine in out of courtesy.

- Deputy? - What?

Good news.

My urine flow is such that it's collected around my right pinkie.

My knowledge of hydraulics, thanks to a civil engineering class

I took at Harvard my sophomore year,

is allowing me to make use of this fact.

I'm going to be able to dig a small, tiny, tiny little burrow

with my pinkie.

Eventually I'll be able to free my hand, free myself and free you. Ha, ha.

We're free!

- We're gonna be okay. We're saved. - All right.

Here we go.

Oh! Cramp. Cramp. I gotta stop, I gotta stop. I'll rest.

- Help! - That's not gonna do anything.

Trust me, the pinkie's our only hope.

Anyone?

No need. I'm digging myself out with my pinkie using hydraulics.

We're over here!

If you can hear us, no need to come, go about your business.

I just feel like a fool.

I thought that Theo wanted to marry me because he still loved me.

I mean, everything I've built here in town, Hoyle, he just wanted to take it.

If it wasn't for Pearl finding out and poisoning him, you know, I'd be...

I'd be destitute.

Yeah, but I can't condone that.

You want your daughter, that you've just found again,

to go to jail for the rest of her life?

- I can't have Pearl go to jail. - I can't have Pearl go to jail.

I mean, she's my best girl.

Okay, I agree. I think we should just keep this between us.

Yeah, I agree.

Don't worry about me. I mean, they have no case against me.

It's all circumstantial. When the circuit judge comes through, I'll be acquitted.

As per the previous sheriff's rules, visiting hours are about over.

I never had any visit...

You are just really having a good time, aren't you, Eli?

I'm just trying to bring a little dignity back to this office

that was so recently disgraced.

- Can I just finish my business? - All right.

Is there anything you want from home? Projects, or...?

Well, if you could just feed my gerbil, Tinker Bell.

- What is the food? - Crickets.

- Are they alive? - Yeah, hopefully.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye, Honey.

- She kissed you. - Yeah, she did.

- Right on the mouth. - Right on. And she initiated.

- I know. - She went... She went like this:

And I, like... I'm inside freaking, "Ahh!"

Right? I was pretending not to watch but then I was like, I wanna watch a little bit.

It's weird because I feel so comfortable fornicating with her.

I mean, that's, like, nothing. But the kissing, it's like...

I know exactly what you mean.

I get so nervous. I...

For example, when I'm fornicating with your stepdaughter,

I can be going from behind,

- underneath, or I can just... - Right, right.

You've got a... You know, you've got an eyelash. Here...

Let's see.

Hoyle! Don't.

Do not fornicate with my daughter!

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