Original subtitles

What are you all looking at, huh?

- Come out for the show? - Excuse me.

What do you want with the blue hat bonnet?

- What the heck's going on here? - I hate all of you.

That's Jeremiah Dunlop.

He threatens to kill himself once every few weeks.

- I'm coming, Lord. - Come on, Jeremiah.

Fortunately I took a negotiating class at Harvard University so I can...

Don't worry. I'll handle this, everybody.

- Mr. Dunlop. - What do you want?

I am the sheriff of Great Bend.

- I understand that you... - Well, how do you do?

How do you do? We would rather you not go up there.

We're a little concerned about your health, sir.

Oh, that was polite.

Sir, while John Stuart Mill argued

that in his book, his treatise on liberty,

that you have the right to kill yourself,

he felt strongly that you should not use that right.

- Oh! - No, no, no!

Mr. Dunlop, what could you possibly have to gain

by jumping here and ending your life?

A big Irish wake!

- Yeah! - We're gonna have free food!

- No. - Free booze!

- Yeah! - Free whores!

Yeah!

- And I'm gonna pay for everything. - Yeah!

- Here I come. - No, no, no.

Jeremiah!

Yes.

Oh, God.

I actually failed jumper negotiation class at Harvard but don't pass it around.

I'm gonna puke.

Yeah. Try to find his other leg.

Looks like both eyeballs popped out of his skull.

Oh, here's one right here.

You made a good coffin for Jeremiah.

I put my heart into it.

He threatened to kill himself, but he always landed in that trough.

- Always landed. - Terrific aim.

Mm-hm. It was really something how after three years

that trough being in the same place,

it suddenly moved, huh, Vernon?

It was a slow month, and it was what he wanted.

Mm-hm.

- You still thirsty, Wanda? - Yeah, fill her up.

Okay.

Get rid of him. He doesn't have any money.

Mrs. Dunlop, I just want to express

my deepest sympathy for your loss.

Two husbands like this back-to-back, this must be

really difficult.

And, you know, we're all looking at ourselves and, you know,

what we could have done differently.

I blame myself.

You should blame yourself.

- What do you mean? - You're the reason why he fell off the roof.

I am not. I'm gonna say something here that's very direct.

He was a lost cause.

I mean, that man wanted to die, and I don't know where

that horrible, horrible self-loathing came from.

I imagine, you know, from his marriage...

His marriage was just fine.

I know he was always very happy here at the saloon.

I saw him here on countless occasions.

Hey, you guys, get your drinks up.

We're toasting Jeremiah.

The only man that made me feel comfortable

with my legs behind my head.

Funny man.

- Are you ready to have a real drink? - Hi.

No, we are not ready to have a real drink!

Well, meow, meow, meow.

It's getting very feisty today.

We're throwing you a really nice party here.

I'm throwing a nice party here.

- Who do you think's paying for that? - He wanted it that way.

Get your drinks up for Jeremiah.

One funny, funny guy.

- Funny man. - Very funny. Jeremiah.

Ha-ha-ha! Drink.

I didn't come over here to argue.

I actually wanted to congratulate you on the fact that you are now a free woman.

I know you got a hunk of money when your first husband went

and now that you got rid of the second one, now it's just you.

Yeah, that second one spent half of that money here at your saloon.

I understand that, but he did also have a really good time.

- Jeremiah was a tall man. - Whoo!

You see? Even your own deputy is drunk.

Why, I am very disappointed.

I think the drinking in this town needs to stop.

I think it is the root of all evil.

Livinia, what else do we have to look forward to, you know?

We've got gangrene, rabies, scabies. Nothing is easy around here.

I mean, what's next? You're gonna take away our guns

so we can't defend ourselves?

Are you gonna take away prostitution?

Oh. That will never happen.

That will never happen.

You tangled with the wrong woman, Honey.

This is between you and me.

And this saloon is going down.

- Could I get a Black Stripe? - Mm-hm.

And some oral sex?

- Me giving it to you, yeah. - Yep.

Jeremiah.

Jeremiah.

We are the Women's Christian Temperance League,

and we demand that this saloon be shut down.

Nobody shuts down a saloon.

Alcohol has to be rid from this town.

- You need to be rid from this town. - Thank you. Listen.

Don't try to take a drink away from me.

Don't make her angry, please.

- I'll break this over your pretty little nose. - She will.

So you might wanna watch it.

What's going on here, everybody?

I don't know. Livinia's talking trash about...

- Meow, meow. - Yeah, bah-bah-bah.

Well, sheriff, I'm so glad you're here.

I have an official document here endorsed

by the Women's Christian Temperance League

and signed by our mayor

that ordains alcohol, the sale and the possession,

illegal in this town.

Oh, an official ordinance. Wanda, would you like that?

I would love that. Now we have something to wipe our asses with.

- Wanda, thank you. - Finally.

Honey, this looks legit. "It is hereby declared unlawful to possess

or sell intoxicating liquors in the city of Great Bend."

- I'm afraid that she better start running. - Whoa, whoa.

I swear to God, I will take off your pretty blond head.

- She'll do it. - She's not gonna do it, Wanda.

- Are you on her side now? - No, I'm on everyone's side.

You are literally on her side right now.

- I'm just standing here. - Come stand on my side.

- Okay, I'm over here. - Hoyle, you're supposed to...

You said you saw the signature. You're on my side.

I'm on both sides!

You can't be on both sides. You have to pick one.

I'm the law's side, Honey.

But here's the good news. I mean, yes, liquor is going to be deemed unlawful,

but you guys can continue fornicating for money.

Oh, no, I know I can keep whoring.

- But I'm not gonna be whoring with you. - Oh.

- But I... - Get the hell off my property!

This saloon is officially closed!

- Wanda, no, no. - I'm gonna break you!

I just wanna start by thanking Mr. Tidwell.

Clay, thank you so much

for the use of the school room.

As long as you scrub it down when we're done. I'm serious.

Anyhoo, the purpose of this meeting is for us to share feelings.

- And booze, right? - No.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

No, this is not... This is a whiskey support group

for not drinking whiskey.

- No! - We understand if you wanna leave.

I was under the impression this was a men's-only meeting.

- No, no. - Leave.

- Leave. - Uh...

I'm more of a man than you are, lady.

- But... - Uh...

- I don't know. - She's referring to his homosexuality.

- Now that's out. All right. - Okay. Well, we'll get...

My apologies. I didn't realize...

- Can't put it back in. - Okay.

- Oh. Do we have to talk like that? - A lot of us knew.

It must be extremely lonely and difficult to be the only homosexual man in the t...

Mr. Shank, you can't do that every time I say the word "homosexual."

- You... Are you serious? - It's... I'm sorry, I'm trying not to do it

it's just a very involuntary reaction.

How do you not feel it coming? Every time he points at me...

Everything you say has a very sexual tone.

Mr. Tidwell, would you please come up here

and tell everybody about your problems with alcohol?

- I'll get up and say something. - Okay. Thank you.

Mr. Tidwell, everyone. Let's support. Let's support.

I started drinking...

I had a best friend when I was 7. His name was Sam.

- I know where this is going. - Me too, yeah.

Well, what can I say?

I can't really do my job without whiskey.

You know what I mean? How am I supposed to be loose enough?

- I do some nasty ****, you guys. - Whoa...

My mother died when I was 6.

It had actually been

a facial spider bite,

which unfortunately had left her with a fairly menacing expression.

You know, I wanna find

someone who, uh...

Who completes me, who...

As we added alcohol into our friendship,

our tongues became looser.

- Yeah, they did. - Oh, God, Clay.

Bust out the whiskey, little lady.

- I'm getting mad! - Okay, okay.

- Okay, thank you, Wanda. - Rotate.

- Thank you, Wanda. - I feel like I'm about to...

- I'm about to take you down! - Okay, okay.

- No! - Everybody shut up!

Shut up, all of you.

This is what we're doing:

Stop drinking. Share your feelings.

Okay, Wanda, I swear to God.

It is Ephraim's Extract.

It rejuvenates, invigorates and expectorates.

What are your symptoms?

Well, I been lonely.

Sure. This will take those feelings and turn them into joy.

I'm angry. Everything makes me angry.

This will make you happy that you're so angry.

We'll take it. How much?

- A dollar for the bottle. - One dollar.

- If we could do it for half that... - I'll pay as much as you want.

- I'm not dickering with you, Eli. - Same time.

Let's go, buddy.

- Oh, you look very sick. - You need some, sir.

- You will be helped. - You really need this.

Absolutely. It'll make you whole, sir.

Excuse me. What that hell is going on here?

What do you mean, what's going on? What are you doing here?

This saloon is supposed to be closed, Honey.

Well, this saloon was closed thanks to you,

but now what you see in front of you is an apothecary.

No, I can't sell alcohol, but yes, I can sell medicine.

And I am here with a doctor.

- Hello, Ephraim younger. - I know.

- My brother tried to kill you. - Yes, I know.

- Sorry about that. - You enjoy your stay up at Leavenworth?

Well, I took it as a time to improve upon myself.

And I studied with a master shaman

who was also incarcerated.

So all you gentlemen here,

you're suffering from some health problem?

- That's why they're here? - Oh, yeah.

These are very, very sick men. Look at them.

That man there is afraid of certain colors.

This will just put a stop to that.

See that man? He's got curiosity. Uh-huh.

- You gotta get rid of that. Gotta extract it. - Absolutely.

That man's got the jitters.

- What does it do for aches and pains? - My goodness.

- A lot. - Hey, aches and pains,

- where are you? - Goodbye. Where'd you go?

I'll tell you, they're right here. They're in my shoulder and gut

because of the bullets your brother put in me.

- Let's just send them on their way. - Let him cure you.

Look at this. A train is leaving. It is looking for a tunnel.

It wants just to go right into a tunnel.

- How many men have licked this spoon? - I would say 17 or so.

- But each one gets cured. There we are. - All right.

- Ooh. - Yep.

It's cold and then it's hot and then it's cold.

Ephraim's Extract.

I don't... I don't even...

It's almost like a health drink.

- Oh. That's different. Ugh. - It's a little rough at first, but...

Oh, yeah.

- Sorry. - You wanna pace yourself a little bit.

- No, you don't. - No, you don't.

- Because they weren't... - They were hard.

Ugh.

- Gets easier, right? - Second one's smooth.

One of my molars just fell out. I swallowed it.

- Yep, that molar was holding you back. - Back. Mm-hm.

Oh, good.

I'm gonna do something to you that I don't do with a lot of men.

But I wanna do it with you.

- Well, what is it? I don't know... - You'll see.

You get off my case about this, maybe I'll think about giving you a freebie.

Hey, this is good medicine.

- I'm glad you're here, doctor. - Good to be back.

- Sir. - Thank you, doctor.

I feel much better. I'm just gonna go upstairs and get myself, uh...

I wanna wear the sundress.

I think I love you. Will you marry me and make me

- the happiest man in the world? - Yes.

- Yes, I'm gonna marry you. - Then I'm going again.

Oh, yeah!

- Are your lips still numb? - Oh, my gosh.

Whew. How many times can you do the alphabet, you know?

- That was impressive. - Well, the third time I was doing Hebrew.

- When I did Latin in the middle... - Oh, come on.

Livinia, hi.

What is going on in here? This place is supposed to be closed.

Welcome to my grand opening of my apothecary.

Can I get you a tablespoon of medicine?

- Medicine? - Ephraim's Extract.

- You are welcome. - There's alcohol in it?

There might be a small amount of alcohol, because you just need that to cut

the spices and the medicines.

It's a way to mix it together. It's like a glue.

It keeps the solution diluted.

You are violating an ordinance.

No, I am not violating any ordinance.

- Yeah, I have to agree with her, Livinia. - Thank you.

I don't know if you have any problems, but if you do at all, it just...

It soothes and coats.

Muscles that would just tighten for a few minutes

now can stay tight for hours.

- It's very invigorating. - Like 97 minutes.

Like I was 13 again, you know what I mean?

You could do chin-ups. It was unbelievable.

You little whore.

- Excuse me? - You've been using your body

and your whorish ways to bend the arm of the law.

Excuse me, I am not bending the arm of the law with anything.

I have followed all the rules and there is nothing you can do about it.

You are using your crinkum-crankum

to get the law on your side! There's no alcohol...!

Whoa, ladies, ladies, ladies!

Stop it. Oh! Aah!

What the hell?

- Oh. - Oh, God.

What the...?

Wanda?

Oh, my... I feel worse than I did when I came here.

- What happened? - I don't know.

There's a little... Little bit of a party.

Yeah. Um...

This is awkward.

Here we go.

Okay. That's the healing. That is the healing there.

Livinia. Livinia.

Are you okay?

- Okay. She's all right. She's all right. - It's all better now.

What happened?

You were very upset and you caught your toe on a nail

and fell down...

Sheriff, that one punched her in the mouth.

Yeah. She hit you.

I remember now.

You lost.

You better watch out.

Here. Let me help you up.

Let go of me.

I'm gonna get you.

Honey Shaw.

I'm gonna get you.

That's going to be a dollar for the...

- I got it. - Okay.

It's on my tab.

Oh, this stuff is horrible.

- This... - Oh, God.

- You're gonna fall. - This needs to stay here.

This can never happen again.

I... It's just as bad for me as it is for you.

It's a little less bad for you.

- No, it's the same. - It's a little bit, uh...

- It's the same. - All right.

- That is the devil. - Awful.

- Awful. - The devil.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I gotta find some whiskey.

- I can't do that ever again. - I can't even look at a bottle.

- Okay, so I'm gonna - Well.

Gracefully make an exit.

I'm gonna just tidy up a little bit.

Was there a body here before?

Morning, Jesse.

Honey Shaw.

What?

I'm gonna get you. I told you I was gonna get you.

Here I am, getting you.

Oh, go home, you mess of a woman.

You are, and whores like you.

I just wanna thank you for getting my saloon back in business.

Oh, Honey, I'm just glad you're all right.

I was just worried. I mean, that crazy woman.

Oh, you don't have to worry about me.

What...? What...? What...?

What is this?

All the bottles that it says "Ephraim's" on them are gone

and now there's just Brown's.

That's right, Ephraim. They're all gone.

- Your extract has been outlawed. - Yep.

I took the liberty of having an analysis

of your extract and you'll never guess what I found.

- Happiness? - No.

Fifty percent alcohol?

- Yes. - Twenty percent opium?

- I got that from a Chinese man. - Twenty percent cocoa leaf?

It's for sweetness.

And 10 percent of some sort of animal by-product

- that I don't even... I couldn't identify. - Yeah, I don't like that.

- Jesus. Are you serious? - Yes.

I told you, it had a little love in it.

Get the hell out of here.

You know what? I'm gonna tell my brother.

You guys just stirred up a whirlwind.

- "I'm gonna tell my brother." - Your brother loves me.

Honey, Honey, Honey.

- What? What's wrong? - Over my shoulder. What do you see?

- It's Livinia. - I know.

She works here now.

Does she know that you work here?

I hired her. We had a long talk

and Livinia finally realized that it's time she stops marrying men

to take care of herself and she just get a job and do it herself.

Okay, that's good advice.

Yeah. You know, she showed me a bunch of tricks with her gun

that, I don't know, kind of impressed me. I thought she'd be good behind the bar.

Hm. You know best. She's crazy as a loon.

- Well, aren't we all? - Hi, Hoyle.

Hey, Livinia. Hi.

Ahem. You sure were out of your mind there on the street.

Well, you say out of your mind, I say growing pains.

Mm-hm, ha.

- Can I make you a drink? - Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Okay, so lean back. You might wanna take your hat off.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right.

So I'm gonna mix the drink in your mouth.

- What? Okay. Yeah. - You ready for that?

Whoo!

Yeah! Shake it up.

Do me. Do me. Do me.

- Do me. Do me. - That was all right!

I love alcohol!

Yeah!

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