Original subtitles

- Hi, Sarah. - Hello.

What'd you do last night?

- Peyote. - What?

- Something called peyote and, uh, liquor. - Oh, boy.

I ate something small someone gave me. I wasn't... I don't know what it was.

- Okay. - And I slept with two of the seven whores.

It was good.

You know something, deputy? You do a lot on your nights.

You know what I did last night?

I went home, I stripped naked.

I, uh, read a little bit of, uh, some romantic literature.

I pleasured myself.

And then I went right to bed like a little tiny baby.

Here comes the coach.

John Henry Hoyle?

- Xavier Pearson! - Ha, ha!

By God, you old dandy fat, you get over here.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you know...

That's a good question. So did he tell you we were roommates at Harvard?

Oh, yeah, you had a hard time those first six months.

Talk about the Freshmen 15.

This one gained the Freshmen 50!

Ah, pot-bellied John Henry Hoyle.

Harvard was a lot of fun. Not for you, though. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh. Xavier, this reminiscing's fantastic.

How long are you here? When are you leaving?

Well, uh, how shall I say this?

I'm here indefinitely.

- What? - I'm opening a bank.

- Hey. - Yeah.

I'm gonna make it the best bank in Kansas.

- Yeah! - Get this. Get this, everyone.

- Free checking! - Yeah!

- No minimum deposit! - Yeah!

And every Sunday that you come in

and deposit your 10 percent to the church,

I'll give you a gherkin!

- What's a gherkin? - It's a delicious pickle.

A pickle, yeah!

You got some ideas. You should come work for me.

Why do you wanna waste your time with this guy? He'll be dead in a month.

- Hi, boys. - Honey Shaw.

Please meet Xavier Pearson, my, uh, roommate from college.

How are you? Oh, ha-ha-ha.

- So you two went to school together? - Yes. Yes, at Harvard.

But, uh, Xavier moved off-campus sophomore year.

Well, part of the story is that he became smitten with a certain woman.

Ahem. Believe you married her, didn't you?

Yes.

Hoyle, you had a wife?

Uh, yes. Yeah, I, uh, was married. Her name was Myra.

- Xavier introduced us. - Yes, I did.

I'm impressed. You suddenly just got a little more interesting.

What was she like?

- Well, she was very flat-chested. - Oh.

Nice child-bearing hips. I suppose that's a plus.

Her eyes were a little slanty, looking different directions.

It was great at dinner parties, because she could talk to two guests at one time.

Fabulous conversationalist. She was murdered.

Shot in the back.

Unknown assailant. Never been solved.

So how did she die?

We were out of ginger snaps, which is a snack that I enjoyed at night.

She offered to go to the general store and purchase some more.

On her return, someone shot her in the back

in cold blood.

No one was ever charged.

It's one of the reasons I went into law enforcement.

So you were the one who liked the ginger snaps.

She told me that she wanted to go, Xavier.

- But it's customary for the man to go. - Yes, but she said:

"I wanna get your ginger snaps."

It was important to her. I don't know why.

- But, still, you should've gone. - Yes! Yes, Xavier, I should've gone!

I should've gone to get the ginger snaps!

I should've leapt out of bed, taken off the zipper-hood I had on,

put on my clothes,

and gone down to the general store and gotten the ginger snaps!

I killed my wife!

I love ginger, but I loved Myra even more.

Um...

I'll fold.

It'll be here when you come back.

Good day, banker. Ha-ha-ha.

John Henry Hoyle.

- You're supposed to be fishing today. - Yes.

Well, I wanted to come in and, uh, wish you a happy grand opening.

Well, you missed quite a show.

We had a barbershop quartet standing right there.

Good. The town barbershop quartet, very, very good.

Yeah, the guy that can hit the high notes is a real pro.

- I don't know where you got him, but... - It's not a man.

No, it's, uh, Mr. Jenkins' daughter, Tabitha.

She hits that, "Ah!"

- Oh, this is so fun. - Yeah.

But you know, I best be going.

I'm getting a deep-tissue massage from the village strongman.

Oh.

My buttocks have been just clenched ever since that ride in on the carriage.

Yes, yes, traveling's very difficult.

But I have someone that can help you.

I have a new teller. Eli.

Woo. Well, I gotta go.

What the hell are you doing here?

It's a part-time thing.

You are a lawman. That is a 24/7 job!

Well, you have got a day off and I've got my day off...

But wait, when I have my day off, that can't be when you have your day off.

Well, sure, just think about it, because there's a way that it could work.

- I don't see how. - When I'm in the bank, you're not the...

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is a stick-up! Hands in the air and I won't kill you!

You're Frank James. Brother of Jesse James.

Son of Linda and James James...

Hands up!

Mr. James, I just want you to know we're all gonna do exactly as you order.

So everybody, just please remain calm.

Run! Go!

- You threw a hat at Frank James! - Well, yeah, and it worked.

This is why I have a problem with you taking a night job.

- There is a $5,000 bounty on his head. - Jesus. All right.

I will give you that money if you help me get him.

- All right! - All right, where's your gun?

I don't have a gun. I don't bring a gun into a bank.

All right, here. Use Little Tina, okay?

- Jesus. - All right, ready? One, two, three.

Give it up, sheriff. You don't know who you're in a tussle with.

Oh, I sure do, Mr. James. I studied you in Harvard.

I know your brother, I know you and I know the Youngers.

And I will arrest every last one of you.

- The only one calling out... - Frank! What are you doing down there?

- I got an idea. - Okay.

Get out of here, Pearl.

I got your girl, Frank. Drop the gun or I'll shoot her.

All right, calm down, Miss Star.

You have no business arresting me!

- I had nothing to do with this! - I hear you talking.

Your deputy dragged a lady into a gunfight.

Yeah, how did you do it, Eli?

Well, I knew this was Frank James and that this was Frank James' girl.

- I have a name. - I know your name. It is Pearl Star.

- I am Eli Brocias and it is a pleasure... - You keep your hands off her!

All right, all right, stop right there.

- Both of you. Both of you stop it. - I wasn't doing anything!

God, I feel like I'm at a high-school cotillion dance.

Now, Miss Pearl, you can cool down and we'll sort all this out.

- Come on! - Sheriff, you gotta...

- Let me get that for you, Miss Star. - Thank you.

Where'd you get this picture?

- It's mine. I've had it forever. - Did you pickpocket me?

I've been handcuffed this whole time. How do you think I got that picture?

It's the same picture that I have.

Why do you have a picture of my wife, Myra?

This is my mom, Belle Star.

You don't know who Belle Star is?

- Very famous outlaw. - Very famous outlaw.

- Prostituting. Bank stealing. - Banks. Trains.

- Trains, counterfeiting. - Yeah. She's done it all.

I mean, this is a dime store picture magazine.

- You can find those anywhere. - That one's from The Long Mule Ride.

- You read The Long Mule Ride? - I read The Long Mule Ride.

- I read The Short Mule Ride. - The Short Mule Ride is good.

- The Short Mule Ride... - It was long.

Okay, okay, thank you.

We'll do some dime novel book reports later on about my wife,

who had a secret life and lied to me!

So you're her dad and she's your daughter.

I think, technically, I'm probably your step-father,

because Myra and I never conceived.

I had a testicle accident. It was a horseback-riding accident.

You know the saddle horn? That thing up there that nobody...

I mean, I don't even know why we use it.

You know, it's a testicle-ripper waiting to happen.

Sometimes I'll put, like, an extra sock.

That's a good idea. Anyway, I'll tell you what.

Because you're kin and because I have no direct evidence

linking you to the crime,

I'm gonna let you go.

But I want you to stay in town and I want you to play it straight.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Daddy.

Thank you, Pearl.

So where's your buddy Eli?

Oh. He's over at the jail guarding Frank James.

A U.S. marshal's coming to pick him up day after tomorrow probably.

I heard about the robbery. Eli was a real hero, huh?

What? No. I had a lot to do with that bank robbery.

All right, Eli did have a lot to do with it.

You gonna be reading those sappy books all day?

God, it's just...

I mean, she lives this whole life and then she doesn't tell me about it?

Do you know how many times I've shed my coat and gone into a different skin,

like a lizard, and started a new life?

- That's weird to me. - It's not weird. It's what women do.

It's called, you know, renewal.

She played an amazing game of mah-jongg.

- Mah-jongg is a very important... - Hey, Dad.

- Oh, hi. How are you? This is Pearl. - Hi.

- Are you working here? - Yeah. Honey gave me a job.

You're a whore?

She's been doing real well. She had, like, you know, six guys before lunchtime.

- Yeah. - What? Can I be frank?

I feel slightly uncomfortable with the whore part of it all.

- Just... - Why?

Well, as my newly found step-daughter, I...

Wait, hold on a minute. Hold on a minute.

So you think it's okay for me to do what I do,

but you don't think it's okay for her?

She's just so young...

- I mean younger. Younger. - Oh, excuse me for a second.

- Save it. Save it, Hoyle. - No. No, I'm glad you're a whore.

- I'll see you though at 3? - Nope.

But I... Nope.

- My deposit. - Nope.

Oh, God. This has been a heck of a day. It's just...

You know, learning that my wife was a criminal,

and now my daughter a whore.

- It's just... It's a lot. - You know what I like to do?

- What's that? - I like to drink my problems away.

- That's... - Let me buy you a drink, or two.

- Okay. - Or three, just because it's a special day.

- Sure. Sure, let's have one. - I'll be back. Yeah.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

All right, that's a cute glass.

It's getting hot out here, isn't it?

That's way too much.

Thank you!

Did I get it?

Give this guy a gin and...

- Cheers. - And a cheers.

- Thanks for the... - What?

- Oh, that's awful. - Baby, baby...

Hey, Hoyle! Let's kick this party up a notch!

Two black iron wines!

Row! Row! Row!

I'm so happy!

- I'm gonna get you another bottle. - Okay!

He's gonna go get another bottle.

What are you guys doing?

- Sheriff. - I don't feel good.

I drank a lot.

It seems that you are beset with the evils

of a morning after a night filled with alcohol.

But I am something of a medicine man in this realm.

Ready? Don't move, don't say anything, just stay right there.

Eat the pickled eye of a sheep. Just quickly. Just shove that down.

Have another one. This one's hairy.

Okay, good. Now lick the sweat off my arm.

Easy does it. Easy does it.

Swallow it down, swallow it down.

You're feeling the healing!

A purge of the stomach was all you needed.

I don't need an eyeball to make me throw up.

Where's Frank James?

Sheriff, if that didn't cure your hangover, this will.

A U.S. marshal came in this morning, and took Frank James onward to justice.

- A federal marshal came this morning? - This morning.

- How did he ride...? - Twelve hours.

From Kansas City to here in 12 hours?

I mean, that is the kind of horses that our government buys.

- Did he give you any money? - Of course he gave me the money.

- Let me see it. - Five thousand dollars.

- Don't... - It's Confederate money!

You idiot!

The war is over.

It's worth point-zero-zero-zero-seven cents on the dollar.

You've been bamboozled.

I should've been here. I was drinking.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I was drinking.

We're gonna go pay a visit to Pearl Star.

- Pearl Star. - Aah! What are you doing?

Excuse me. Pardon the interruption.

Hey, Ebenezer.

I'm in the middle of a business transaction.

Would you mind? Just stop transacting with my daughter. Thank you.

- You know him? - He's deaf and mute.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Aren't you forgetting something?

- He only had, like, five minutes. - Well, that's all right. Don't...

They don't like to be kissed. Get the hell out of here.

What do you guys want?

I thought you were innocent. I did. I trusted you!

I thought you'd go straight and be a whore.

Look, I'm trying to make a good life for myself.

I don't understand what I did to you.

Does making a good life mean getting your daddy so drunk

he doesn't know his anus from his mouth

to get your no-good boyfriend broken out of jail?

Because you knew my stupid-ass deputy would fall for the trap. And he did.

I know this isn't just you,

and I know your boyfriend, Frank James, didn't pull this off.

I wanna know who's behind this.

Or I swear to God, I'm gonna throw the book at you.

No, I'm sorry, I can't. I can't tell you. I'm not a snitch.

God! This is what having a daughter is all about!

You're so frustrating!

- Just tell him who it is. - I didn't do it, okay?

I didn't know they were gonna do that.

- This is your picture. - Yeah.

Of Myra.

- Belle. - Yeah.

Deputy, I want you to arrest Miss Star and take her down to the jail.

I'm going to the bank.

Got a deposit to make.

- John Henry Hoyle! - How are you, Xavier?

Not bad. How are you? You look a little peaked.

- Can I get you hair of the dog? - Well...

I'm sorry, Xavier, you're under arrest.

Arrest for, uh, being too pleasant about town?

Bank robbery, fraud, and aiding and abetting a jail break.

Well, that is a laundry list, is it not, Mr. Hoyle?

Yes, it is.

Further, it's my contention

that you've been traveling across the plains,

opening up banks, staging a robbery,

taking the money from the local residents, moving on to the next town.

Well, you know what? You'll have to present some evidence.

You grew up not far from here in the Ozarks, didn't you?

- With a woman named Belle Star. - Belle Star.

Who also happened to be Myra Hoyle.

She introduced you to the Jameses, no doubt.

I didn't realize it fully, until I saw Pearl's photo.

They're absolutely identical, except for one thing.

The bottom half of my photo was ripped away years ago.

- How unfortunate. - I was able to see Myra's hand.

- Can you see what's on her finger? - A ring.

It's a signet ring. I knew that ring. It had a notch in it.

A notch that only your ring had. A notch that is on that ring.

That is some clever sleuthing, Detective Hoyle.

The biggest pistachio sticking in my throat

is that you were romantically involved with my wife.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, that's just...

You seriously don't know, don't get it.

- What? - Oh!

Belle Star was my beard.

- You familiar with the term? - No.

I'm a play-bottoms.

- A feather duster? - Yes, I play backgammon.

I like spooning with a man. I like doing much more.

I'm sorry, Xavier, but you're gonna have to come with me.

I hate to do it.

I hate to put a Harvard man behind bars, but that's where you belong.

Well, this is a disappointment. I guess there's nothing for me to do, but...

Did I get you?

- No, you did not, Xavier. - Damn it.

Obviously, you should've spent more time at the gun club.

I've been taking classes!

- Xavier, you gotta come with me. - I don't want to!

- We can't go on like this all night. - Oh, I can.

I can do it all night long.

- Damn it! - God bless it!

Mine's jammed, it's not... Slow down! Wait for me!

No, I will not. I am going to kill you.

- I'm almost there. - Oh, well, are you?

- It's just my fingers are sweaty. - Come on, baby.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Right in the pooch. Oh!

Right in my front part.

I didn't want it to end like this. I just wanted to incarcerate you.

Not die.

Would you do me one last favor?

Yes, of course. What is it?

Kiss me.

It's a dying man's wish.

- You gotta give a dying man his wish. - Come on.

Okay.

- Lay it on me. Don't be... - I'm doing it.

- Don't do it like halfway. - Okay.

It won't do anything for me.

- If you're gonna do it, do it. - Just kiss him.

Everybody just back off, because I'm gonna do it.

- Don't look at me like that. - I'm looking at your lips.

I'm guiding my way in.

Xavier?

You, uh, got really into that at the end.

- What? - Just the whole kiss.

I mean, is there something you wanna tell me?

- No! - I'm just... If there is, it's fine.

I'm fine with whatever you wanna tell me.

- You told me to do it. - Yeah, but your leg was vibrating a little.

Nip it. Nip it in the bud. Let's go get the undertaker.

"The countless murdered and robbed

have only Sheriff John Henry Hoyle to thank

for releasing the scourge onto the earth as a result of his own idiocy."

- Thank you, Eli. Appreciate that. - Well, look...

You did take down the head of the gang, and to be fair,

you did sort of let Frank James get away.

- What? - Well, I mean, it was on your watch.

This is great. Men do the crime and the woman gets to pay for it.

All right, I will be honest with you.

There is not a lot of evidence against you.

And most of it is circumstantial.

And if you get a decent lawyer,

you will be out of jail in probably about six months,

as long as you can hit those rocks real good.

It's too bad I don't have any money to get myself a really good lawyer.

Well, I suppose as your kin, I should probably help you out a little bit with that.

Let me take care of the lawyer for you.

And, you know what, why don't you go ahead and take that,

and get yourself something nice for prison.

- Thank you, Daddy. - Oh, you're welcome.

- You're the best. - Good luck in there, you know?

- I know it's gonna be so nice of you to... - So nice.

Hey! What are you doing?

Get away from that! Were you pulling my gun?

Is that what you were doing? Blow your only kin away?

I'm getting used to this whole father thing. I apologize!

Well, trust has to begin somewhere, daughter!

Well, it's not by this! You're pointing your gun at me!

All right, you're right. I'm gonna give you my gun.

- All right. - And I'm gonna trust you.

This is the first stage in trust.

- Okay. - I'm giving it to you.

Are you my daughter,

or are you an outlaw?

- Can I...? - Give it back.

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