All language subtitles for Pie.in.the.Sky.S02E10.Lemon.Twist.AMZN-Hi OFF

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Don´t like
the look of that, Guv.

Oh, something´s broken
or blocked or flooded,

I don´t know.

I´ve got Roger with me.

He´s absolutely bloody useless.

But don´t worry, I´ll get to
l´Orangerie in time for dinner,

and you´ll have
my review tomorrow.

The really crucial thing
is my interview

with François the chef.

He´s only a baby
but such a star --

his lobster in truffles
is to die for. Well?

It´s going to take me
an hour and a half

to get it back on the road.

Oh, no! It´s going to take
an hour and a half.

Look, I´m starving.

Is there a pub
or something near here

where we could get a sandwich?

Brian.

Well, gentlemen,
It´s a sad day for me

because I´m not only losing
a fellow officer,

I´m also losing a valued friend.

I´m very happy for Brian though.

This promotion is well deserved,

and I´m very happy
for our colleagues up north.

I hope they appreciate
their new Chief Constable.

To Brian.

To Brian. Cheers.
Well done.

Oh, cheers, Brian.
Congratulations.

Your turn next, Freddy.

I´m very happy
where I am.

So then I said, "Suck it
and see."

I found those petty
cash dockets.

Well, I don´t want them,
take them up to Dave.

Oh, and get onto
vehicles for me, sweetheart,

and see if we can
have our car back?

Right.

Sorry, kitchen´s closed.

Are we in time
for something to eat?

Yes, you are, sir.

If you´d like
to take a seat here?

Madame.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

I want a green salad --
if such a thing is possible --

no dressing, some
still mineral water, no ice.

Sir?

I´m going to try
the steak and kidney pie.

Good move, that.

Oh, for God´s sake.

Could I suggest

the garlic mashed potato
and the buttered cabbage, sir?

Absolutely, why not?

Madame.

Roger, in six hours´ time,

you are going to be eating
a five-course dinner

cooked by one of the hottest
chefs in Europe --

a boy who has two Michelin stars

at the age of 25.

Come far?

London.

Don´t encourage him,
for God´s sake.

Awfully busy, London.

It certainly is.

Too busy for us.

I know what you mean.

God, it´s like
being in a Pinter play.

I think
it´s rather amusing here.

Yes, very you, Roger.

Mutton dressed as lamb,
with two veg.

You know,
I´m sure I recognize her.

She looks like an actress.

She looks like a right pain
in the arse.

Hey, hey. She´s a customer.

They don´t come here
to be criticized.

Now, pie, garlic mash, cabbage.

Lovely. Thank you.

One green salad. Undressed.

Thank you so much.

Hello, Sergeant.
What can we do for you?

Wine. A large glass of wine.

The reason I bring you on these
trips is for the company, Roger.

This is seriously
excellent food, Miranda.

You´re a bit of a peasant
at heart, aren´t you?

It´s quite sweet, really.

I´m not kidding.
This is special.

Try some, go on.

Quite good steak.

Been cooked in red wine.

Now try the pastry.

Excellent shortcrust suet.
What´s going on here?

I´m right, aren´t I?

Cabbage is perfectly al dente,

just the right side
of underdone.

Wait ´til you taste
the garlic mash.

Mm.

Mm. My God. To die for.

You won´t believe this.

We were on a door-to-door
in Barstock the other day,

and he made me drive six miles
out of my way to do what?

To pick up his wife´s
birthday present.

Bye, Henry.

Bye, George, Hilda.

Anyway, I was hoping you could
have a word with Fisher.

You may not believe this
but he listens to you.

He does.

And there´ll be plenty
of opportunity

on the course this weekend.

What course?

The course.
I reminded you twice last week.

Oh, God.

Mmm!

What are you doing?

I´m going to write a review
of this place.

I´m going to make it the Feature
Restaurant in my column.

There´s the chef.

God, have I been spotted?

Sorry, darling.

Your fame doesn´t seem to have

penetrated these parts.

I´ll soon change that.

In three days time, this place
is going to be hot.

Look at that.

- There you go.
- Thank you, Margaret.

What is this course
about, anyway?

Oh, community policing
or something.

You know, even if we can´t catch
the criminals,

at least we can be nice
to the victims.

Henry, what are you doing?

Well, these courses always
happen in dodgy hotels,

so this is the Henry Crabbe
dodgy hotel survival kit.

You see, I´ve got some very nice
olive oil here,

and I´ve got
some Parmesan cheese,

black pepper and a lemon.

It´s amazing what can be done
with a few simple ingredients.

We´re in the paper.

I knew I recognized that woman.

What woman?

Miranda Bishop.

She was here
a couple of days ago.

She just happens to be
one of the foremost food critics

in the country.

And she has given us
a rave review.

She´s written about
Pie in the Sky?

Listen to this -- "The
restaurant critic´s dream

"is to stumble upon
undiscovered delights,

and this dream came true for me
at Pie in the Sky in Middleton."

Ooh-ooh!

"The steak and kidney pie

"was a revelation,

"first class ingredients cooked
in a faultless red wine gravy.

"A miraculous shortcrust
suet pastry,

"beautifully crusty on top while
the underside was permeated

with ambrosial juices."

"The garlic mash was a perfectly
judged blend of potato, oil,

"garlic and milk.

"This dreamy confection alone

"was worth a detour.

"One of the best meals
I have eaten,

and almost comically cheap."

Henry, "comically cheap."

Margaret, the meals that woman

normally eats
are comically expensive.

Hello, Pie in the Sky?

"If you go to Pie in the
Sky, and I urge you to do so,

"be prepared for some seriously
eccentric fellow diners...

"the local femme fatale,
old enough to know better,

made come-hither eyes
at my companion."

Well, charming.

That was Mrs. Goring!

Table for four, 8:00 and will
the garlic mash be on the menu?

You see, I said
a little publicity

would make a great
deal of difference.

There´ll be a price to pay.

What do you mean?

Ready, sir.

Ah, thanks, Cambridge.

All right?

Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

Hello, Pie in the Sky.

I went on one of these
community policing courses

two years ago.

It´s nothing to do with
community policing, Crabbe.

it´s a Management Development
seminar.

The Chief Constable
discovered it in America,

so I suppose we can expect a lot
of Mid-Atlantic psychobabble.

There will be teams
from other regions there,

so I want you both
to pull your weight.

No matter how silly
you think it is.

Hmm.

Bad news, Crabbe,
there´s another restaurant

called "Pie in the Sky."

Miranda Bishop says here

that it was the best meal
she´s had this year.

Oh, well, I suppose
there´ll be some people

who´ll think she´s writing about
your restaurant.

As a matter of fact, she is
writing about my place, sir.

Restaurant reviews --
frivolous nonsense.

Hello, Pie in the Sky.

Oh, I am sorry, the kitchen
closes at 9:00, I´m afraid.

Okay, one potato pancake,

creme fraiche,
hold the salmon roe.

You´ll be in before eight.
That´s fine. Thank you.

Bill for table 6.

Creme fraiche, two pies, one
mash, one chips, two sprouts.

One pie and mash, one cod,
chips and mushy peas.

Come on, Steve,
where are my soups?

Yeah, Henderson, more salmon roe
out of the fridge.

We would like to
remind guests that management

is not responsible for valuables
left unattended --

I´ll have you shown to your
rooms immediately, Mr. Fisher.

You may then wish to partake

of the cold buffet
in the Refectory.

And your introductory session
is in the Orwell Suite at 2:30.

2:30.

Are they with
Management Development?

Oh, good Lord, no.

They´re Fantasy Software.

They´re in the Beckett Wing.

Thank God for that.

£484,
24p.

That´s our best lunch ever.
And the tips were good, too.

Those businessmen on table 5
left 15 quid.

Yeah, they were really sweet.

It´s women who are the worst
tippers -- No question.

Not in my experience,
they´re not.

- So, Nicola.
- Thank you.

- John.
- Thank you.

Steve, and Henderson.

All right, Henderson?

Yeah. Yeah, fine. Well, I´m off.

I´ve got half a field
full of spuds to lift.

- See you.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Trapnel,

I´m afraid
you´re too late for lunch.

Lunch?

Do you really think we´d
come here for lunch after this?

"We were harangued

"by an incoherent,
blazered old buffer

while his wife
gazed vacantly into space."

I know, that´s awful.

They´re as good
as saying we´re senile.

And poor Betty Goring
won´t leave the house

after what they wrote about her.

"Femme fatale" indeed.

I really am very sorry, we have
no control over what they say.

We shan´t be coming here again.

Oh, George, Hilda?

Please stay and have a drink.

Well, the show must go on.

And the last course I went on,

they put us up in this four-star
hotel in the Lakes,

it was just brilliant.

Jacuzzi, tennis courts,
the full monty.

John Major
stayed there once apparently.

Anyway, the food was all French,
you know, haute cuisine,

sauces on everything,

and we were like,
"God, I could murder a curry."

So anyway, Darren Cox --
you know Darren,

he was at Hendon with you --

he said there was a tandoori
about five miles away,

so me and him were just going to
nip out and pick up a take-away.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to this Management
Development seminar.

Perhaps we could start

by introducing ourselves,

and can I suggest
that you don´t use your rank?

Let´s see if we can´t dispense

with that particular crutch
for the time being.

I´m your facilitator,
Stephen Parrish.

I´m Kevin Wright,
Stephen´s assistant.

My name is Sophia Cambridge.

Freddy Fisher.

Henry Crabbe.

You hear about Brian Sutton?

Who?

Brian Sutton,
he´s been promoted.

Chief Constable, Brian Sutton.

That´s good.
Bad?

Can you run through the names
of the group for me, Freddy?

Oh, Paul something,
Clive Hodgkiss, was it?

Can you name everyone
at the table, Sophia?

Paul Connolly, Jan Hart.

Yes, now you wrote them
down, didn´t you?

Yes.

Whereas you didn´t make a note
of everyone´s names, Freddy.

What were you writing?
May I see?

It´s nothing. It´s a doodle.

Ooh, I wouldn´t say
this was nothing.

Look at these 10 dots.

Perhaps they represent
the 10 of you.

Look at each dot surrounded
by a circle or a square.

Isolating them from each other,

perhaps that´s
how you feel at the moment --

isolated from one another.

It´s just a doodle.

Well, okay,

but there´s no harm in treating
it as a visual metaphor?

What we must do, all of us,
for the next three days,

is learn to question everything.

Look at each moment

as it passes, try to see it
as a metaphor and deduce

what it´s saying
about how we conduct ourselves

in the work environment, yah?

Henry, may we see
what you´ve written?

Oh no, really,
it´s all right, thanks.

No, please. It´s okay, really.

Thank you.

"Skin the tomatoes and chop them

while the garlic and onions
are frying in oil."

It´s an idea I had for a sauce.

For a dish with fish.
Cod, say.

It´s a recipe?

Well, can´t it be a metaphor,
Stephen?

"To record outgoing messages,

"press buttons A and B
simultaneously,

and speak through C."

Hello, you have
reached Pie in the Sky,

but we´re very busy
at the moment,

so wait for the bleep
and leave a message.

I thought I told you
to make an effort, Crabbe.

Let´s see if we can come out
of this with our dignity intact.

Would Nurse Jenkins please

report to the Aerobics room
immediately.

You won´t forget, will you, sir?

Forget what, Cambridge?

To have a word
with Fisher about my job.

I don´t know, I´ll see.

"Brian Sutton´s been promoted."

"Talk to Fisher about my job."

"Try to see it all
as a metaphor."

God, I could do with a metaphor
for the whole pack of them.

Hello.

Margaret, it´s me.

You have reached
Pie in the Sky,

but we´re very busy
at the moment,

so wait for the bleep
and leave a message.

The marvellous thing
is you can listen in

when someone sends a message.

Margaret, what´s going on.

It´s Henry.
I wonder what he wants.

Maybe you should
pick it up and find out.

Oh, God.
Hello, Henry.

How do you like
our new answering machine?

Oh, God, an answering machine.

And we have had
the best lunch ever.

Well, that´s great.

Look, has Steve
phoned the butcher´s yet?

I´ll put him on. Butcher.

Hello, Chef.
We had a brilliant lunch.

So I hear.

Listen, have you phoned
Plummer yet?

We need some more steak
and kidney for tomorrow night.

Don´t worry, Chef, it´s all
under control. See ya.

Okay, I´ll try and ring later.

Come in.

That´s it. Last straw.

What is?

Been robbed.

Credit cards. Money. Keys.
Gone from my room. You?

Well, I haven´t
got a credit card.

Margaret won´t let me have them.

Downstairs, five minutes.

And an Amex card, about 30 quid
in cash and a Walkman.

Thank you.

Everyone reports something
missing except D.I. Crabbe.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Fletcher, you know the local
Superintendent, I believe.

Yes, Harry Davies,
he´s a good bloke.

All right, you tell
the hotel manager

that you´ll liaise
with the local police.

Get your pal Davies over here.

You can imagine what a field day

the local uniforms would have
with all this.

Not to mention the local press.

God, yes, it´s just
the sort of thing

the nationals would pick up on.

Right, damage limitation
is the name of the game here.

Right, we better get in
for the next dose of nonsense.

I suppose catching the thief
is out of the question?

Sophia, right? Nice name.

I was hoping there´d
be a gym here

or at least a swimming pool.

I get really stressed
when I can´t work out.

Really?

- Do you work out?
- No.

The exercise I want you
to take part in now

is about concentration,
identification and possession.

Loss, too, perhaps,
which may be relevant

as we are all suffering the loss
of personal possessions,

including a computer
which should never have

been left unattended
in the first place, Kevin.

And I want you all
to close your eyes.

Close your eyes, please.

Thank you.

Now, while they´re closed,

Kevin will give you
a lemon each.

You have 10 minutes
to familiarize yourselves

with your lemon by touch alone.

I want you to focus completely

on the physical characteristics

of your lemon.

Eyes.

Last straw.
Absolute last bloody straw.

Wait for the bleep,
and leave a message.

Crabbe, it´s Plummer here.

Did you want more rump and ox
kidneys for the weekend?

You better let me know
by the end of the day

so I can put some to one side.
Cheers.

Right, eyes still closed,
please.

Now place your lemons
on the table in front of you.

Kevin will collect them
and place them together

in the center
of the table.

When are you going
to let us know

what all this is in aid of?

I think we´ll only find that out
by talking about it, don´t you?

Remember, think metaphor.

Okay, now

open your eyes and see

if you can pick out your lemon
from the others on the table.

I think you´ll find
there are several

with thumb nail marks, Freddy.

All right, Henry?

Marvellous, thanks.

Right then, if you would resume
your seats, please,

and place your lemons
on the table in front of you.

Well now, we have got a problem.

Or rather, one of you
has got a problem, I should say.

Is that your lemon, Henry?

Yes, that is my lemon.

No, no, no, I am sorry, that
is not your lemon, Henry.

I know that is not your lemon.

Now, which of you is minus
a lemon, because whoever it is,

I think you´ll find
that Henry...

Are you absolutely sure
that´s your lemon, Henry?

Yes, I know that´s my lemon,
Stephen.

Look, what is the problem?

We´ve all got
our flaming lemons.

I feel as though
I´m married to mine.

Well now, this is very
interesting, isn´t it?

Would you like to talk it
through, Stephen?

The Cresswell Grill.

A full vegetarian menu
with a topical theme --

a tropical theme is available.

Officer,

I´ve got a maid in my office.

She´s very upset.
Perhaps you could help.

Calm down, calm down,
don´t worry,

calm down.

Does she speak English?

Well, she´s supposed to.

¿Esta bien?
Calmate.

I lost the key.

The key, I lost it.

What key?

I´ve never indulged
in self-pity, Crabbe.

Self-pity is a terrible thing.

Oh, terrible, sir, yes,
terrible.

Self-pity and fear --

two great enemies
of personal advancement.

What on earth is that?

Olive oil, sir.
Would you care for some?

Self-pity and fear.

What do you want, Sergeant?

Sorry to interrupt, sir,

but the maid
who cleans our floor

lost her passkey
a couple of days ago.

Now, she did take another one
from the housekeeper´s office,

but the minute she heard
about the thefts --

Not our problem, Cambridge.

Just thought you´d like
a progress report, sir.

Tell whatsit, Fletcher,
about it.

- He´s in with the local C.I.D.
- Sir.

Yes,

self-pity and fear.

I´ve never been bothered
with either...until last week.

When I started this job,

I drew up my life plan
on a piece of paper.

I´ve still got it at home.

Constable at the bottom,

Commissioner of the Met.
at the top,

and all the ranks in between

with the dates I wanted
to achieve them.

And do you know something?

Until last week
I was on schedule.

Really?

There I was
in Brian Sutton´s office,

drinking to his promotion.

And I suddenly saw the whole
scheme coming unraveled

before my very eyes.

Brian Sutton --
Chief Constable.

Well, I rarely plan more than
a day ahead

and even that
usually ends in disappointment.

That´s when it occurred to me

that maybe I should
get out of the job.

I´m still a young man,

I could get a good job
in the private sector.

But leave it another year
or two and, well,

those poor sods you see

hanging about at reunions.

Are you really thinking
of leaving the job, sir?

Perhaps.

Anyway, I got him
in the back of the car,

and I thought I´d drive him
back to the nick.

And I got there and I thought,

well, I´ll leave him in the back
of the car overnight.

He throws up
all over the back seat.

Can I get you another one?

No, thanks.

So, what do you think
of the course?

Not much.

Policing is a people business.

Maybe it makes sense to find out
a bit about ourselves.

We´re people, too.

I´m sure I´ve seen
that on a T-shirt.

Look, I´m sorry.
Just trying to be friendly.

You have to relate

to some pretty weird people
in this job.

Sometimes it requires
a bit of effort.

Well, maybe that´s
why I´m beginning to think

it´s not the job for me.

You´re thinking of getting out?

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

We´ll have
that drink another time.

Better believe it.

Where are they taking her?

Down to the local nick.

They´re not charging
her, are they?

Nah, just going
to rattle her cage a bit.

Can I order a taxi
for Middleton, please?

- Certainly.
- You know that maid?

They´ve taken her down to the
local nick, can you believe it?

She owns up
to losing her passkey,

and gets a going over.

It´s not our patch.
Not our problem.

An hotel full of policemen

and that´s the best
we can come up with?

Good night.

Nicola, how are we doing
on table 5?

They´ve just ordered dessert.

Thank God.
Tell Steve it´s top priority.

Right, two treacle tarts
for table 5, please, Steve.

- Pie here, John.
- Great. Liver and bacon?

Yeah, it´s on its way, look.

My treacle tarts first, there
are punters waiting for table 5.

Look, I can´t stop in the middle
of doing liver, now can I?

- Hello, Chef.
- Hi.

Hello.

Hey, Crabbe,
have you got one moment?

No, Henderson, no.

I want to talk to you
about sharing out the tips.

Look, Henderson --

I don´t think it´s right.

Not now.

What´s he on about?

I think Henderson´s angling

for a bigger share of the tips.

Over my dead body.

I´m hungry.

How much longer
have we got to wait?

I´m so sorry about that.

I promise you your table will be
ready in 10 minutes´ time.

So, in the meantime,

please would you accept
another drink on the house?

Thank you so much.

What´s going on?

We´re busy,
that´s what´s going on.

Good God, Margaret, are you
doing double sittings now?

Look, Henry, those people rang,
booked a table for 8:30,

then someone else rang and said
they wanted to eat earlier --

Yes, all right,
we´ll talk about it later.

And what´s this?
Three course dinner, 11.99.

Henry, I put the prices up.
Right.

Are you all right, Steve?

Yeah, fine. I´ve done
most of the main courses now.

Good man.

Well, I´m going to put the meat

for tomorrow´s pies
in to marinade.

Steve,

where´s the rump
and kidneys for tomorrow?

Oh.

Crabbe, it´s Plummer here.

Did you want more rump and ox
kidneys for the weekend?

Better let me know
by the end of the day,

so I can put some to one side.
Cheers.

Oh, Henry, I am sorry.

I thought I´d listened
to all the messages.

Damn machine.

Can´t you call him tomorrow?

Tomorrow´s Saturday.

He may not have saved us any.

Didn´t you hear what he said
on the -- oh, never mind.

Most important,

will you please, please, please

not double

All right, I agree,
that was a bad idea.

But, Henry, I am not putting
prices down.

We´ve had people here tonight

from Oxford, London,
all over the place.

Margaret, it won´t last.

It might.

And if it doesn´t,
then I´ll put the prices down.

Freddy Fisher´s

thinking of taking
early retirement, you know.

What´s that got to do
with anything?

Well, if he does,
I might be able to.

All the more reason
to be business-like here

with you hanging around
on half a pension.

Okay, there is one
information pack per group.

Inside you will find a map,
a map reading compass,

a list of grid references

and the psychological profile
of a fictional suspect.

Based on that profile, you must
deduce which of the locations

is the suspect´s
most likely hiding place.

And yes, there is a prize for
the team that finds him first.

Okay, off you go.

I´m sure you both know what
to do, more than me.

Oh yeah, we´ll be fine.

I´ve done loads and loads
of orienteering.

And I think we should start
over there with the church.

You can see the spire
above those trees, look.

May I see the map
for a moment, please?

Do you want to check
the bearing?

Crabbe No, no, no,
wouldn´t dream of it.

Ah, yes now, that must be
the hotel so we are...here.

Yes. Good, right off we go,
then.

I´ll be right behind you.

It´s just down here.

No, that can´t be right.

Look at how close these
contour lines are together.

They´re practically vertical.

I disagree.

With a stream at the bottom.

Can we just get on with it?

I thought this exercise

was supposed
to be about teamwork.

I was on the West
Midlands Orienteering team.

Yes, so you keep telling us.

Look, all I want to know
is how much bloody further?!

Did you see who that was?

No.

That was the maid from the hotel

and the boy who was with
the Fantasy Software group.

He was hanging around outside
our rooms the afternoon

we were burgled.

Fantasy Software

checked out
first thing this morning.

Well, what was
he doing on our floor?!

Hello?

Steve, did Plummer
get the steak and kidney?

No, all I could
get was mince.

Mince?!

Yeah, 15 pounds
of minced beef,

that´s all Plummer had so I
told him to bring it round.

Oh, God, well, we´ll just have
to do cottage pie, then.

We´ll have to do it as soon
as possible, do you mind that?

No, that´s all right, Chef.

Sweat some onions
in butter and oil.

Salt -- no, no, don´t use salt,

use some of that anchovy sauce
towards the end.

Don´t worry, Chef, I can do it.

And keep it simmering
during the afternoon,

and who knows, we might
just get away with it.

All right, Chef. Okay, bye.

But I don´t mind about exams,
I actually quite like them.

Right, now this is

the Lloyd Richards
questionnaire --

a test for defining
psychological types

based on Jungian theories.

Answer A or B
to all 85 questions.

Do not write your names
on the form.

We will identify your form
from the number on the top.

These are strictly confidential
and will be returned to you

after your debriefing
with me tomorrow.

Good work, Sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Ah.

You may begin.

- Good evening, Mr. Crabbe.
- Hello, Nicola.

Hello, Pie in the Sky.

Oh, I´m sorry, we don´t have
a table at all tonight.

But try again soon.
Thank you, bye.

Hello, Henry.

We´re fully booked
on Wednesday night.

Have you thought about upstairs?

We could always get
a card table in the bath.

Put a couple of punters
either end.

Very funny.

I did something
rather impulsive today.

Oh?

Yes, we were doing these
psychological tests, you know,

and I swapped my papers
with Fisher´s.

Why ever did you do that?

Well, you know
I told you Fisher

was thinking about
taking early retirement.

Well, I thought
it just might tip the balance.

You know, if they assessed him

on the basis
of my personality, not his.

Good, eh?

It´s terrible. Poor man. Nicola.

Oh, God, it´s not
still cooking, is it?

I wasn´t able to start
it until gone three.

It will have to reduce
much more.

This machine
is really playing up.

Have we got any more
of this anchovy sauce?

All right, all right.

Look, I´ll need it
for the leek and carrot soup.

Well, you´ll just have
to go upstairs

and get the old one, won´t you?

Can I have a quick word,
Mr. Crabbe?

Yes, John.

I´d just like to say
that if you´re giving Henderson

a larger share of the tips,
they should be

coming out
of Nicola´s share, not mine.

John.

Don´t get me wrong, Nicola
is doing very, very well,

but she´s still learning.

I´ve got so much more experience
than her.

I´ve worked at the Savoy Hotel,
the Hyde Park Hotel --

John, John --

Langan´s, I mean you can´t
say that´s not a bad C.V.

Yes, no, John, look, Henderson
is not getting any more money.

The arrangement
is staying exactly the same

as it always was, and whilst
I yield to no one

in my admiration of your C.V.,

I notice that you didn´t mention

the Knebditch International
Hotel and Conference Centre

which is where you were working
when I first met you.

- Yes, well.
- Yeah, well.

Evening, all.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Are you ready to order,
gentlemen?

She´s so gorgeous,
I can´t speak.

Ooh!

Dutton, table for one.

You´ve upset her now.

I love ´em upset.

Look at her sulky face.

John?

Let me have that.

Good evening.

Would you like some
more time to decide?

Look, I earn 60K a year.

I´ve got a five series BMW
and three Armani suits.

How can you deny yourself
the once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity of going out
with me?

Tell you what, I´ll come back
when you´ve finished, all right?

Finished what?

Puberty.

Ooh!

Right, here´s the menu
and the wine list, sir.

Can I get you something
to drink?

A bottle of still mineral
water please, no ice, no lemon.

Right.

Don´t go, I´ll order now.

I don´t see
the famous steak and kidney pie.

It´s off the menu,
I´m afraid, sir.

The butcher let us down.

There´s cottage pie instead.

Cottage pie?

You´ll never guess
who´s out there on table 3.

Who?

Giles Dutton.

Giles Dutton?

Who´s he?

Giles Dutton

is the most important
food critic in the country.

Oh, God,
that´s all we need.

Another rave review.

One cottage, one broad
beans and one carrots, please,

for table 3.

Nicola, do you know
who that is?

Who, that gloomy geezer
on his own?

Giles Dutton.

Is it
Far out. Who´s he?

Oh, I give up.

Come on, darling!
Just one more!

♫ Why are we waiting?
Why are we waiting? ♫

♫ Here we go, here we go,
here we go ♫

♫ Here we go,
here we go, here we go... ♫♫

Come on, Steve,
where are my soups?

I´m doing them,
for crying out loud.

Giles Dutton´s pie
ready yet?

In a minute.

Hey, he´s on my table!

Come on, Nicola,
I served him at Langan´s.

- He knows me.
- So what?

So I can chat him up
a little bit, put him at ease.

Steve?

I see,
first you want to take my tips

and now you want
to take my customers.

Steve, don´t forget --

You´re getting a little
paranoid, aren´t you, Nicola?

The fact
of the matter is --

To put the lid on.

Sorry.

Henderson,

do me a favor.

Here we go.
Got your grub, chief.

Listen.

I´m not really a waiter,
by the way.

The name´s Henderson,
I grow the veg.

You see that pie?

The mash,
that´s my King Edward´s.

And the slices of new on top,

that´s a French variety
I´m experimenting with,

it´s called Cornichon.

Would you like a beer?

Hmm.

Only...when you come
to write us up,

perhaps you can mention me?

It´s Hen-der-son.
That´s H-E --

Right, who´s having the soup?

Oh dear, silly me.

- Can I get you another fork?
- Ooh!

- You stupid cow.
- Shut up.

Oi, matey,
watch your language.

You mad bitch!

Didn´t you hear what I said?

You stupid prat!
Henderson.

That´s telling him, mate!

That´s enough!

Don´t even think about it.
Do you know what that is?

It´s a warrant card,
it says "Old Bill."

Now I want you and your
friends to sling your hooks

and go out of here immediately
or I will have you nicked

and charged with whatever
appeals to my lurid imagination.

All right, now go.

- Chef?
- Yes, Steve?

Have you tried the pie?

What?

Good grief. Anchovy sauce.

Ladies and gentlemen,

things haven´t gone
as smoothly tonight

as they otherwise
might have done.

And so I hope you will feel able
to accept our apologies,

and, of course,
dinner is on the house,

with our compliments,
thank you.

Henry, how could you?

Now then,
your personality profile.

Your type is very common
in organizations

like the police force --

conformist, easily led,

dependent on rigid hierarchy
for security,

but not usually in such
an extreme form.

Perhaps that´s why you have
risen no higher than Inspector.

Yes. I´ve often wondered
why that was.

Yes, well, you see
the deep-seated fear

of anything to do with
imagination or creativity,

the mistrust of, well, any kind

of emotion whatsoever.

I must ask you, have
you ever thought

of undergoing some form
of therapy?

Will Mr. Harwich Bostson
please go to reception?

Will Mr. Bostson Harwich
please go to reception?

Well?

Fascinating. You?

Well, he asked me
what "Sophia" meant and I said,

"She who goes forth
into the world armed."

He said, "I couldn´t have put it
better myself."

Assessing your questionnaire
was a source of great pleasure

to Kevin and myself.

Really?

Yes, you see,

your personality type
is very rare.

I like to call it
the "artist warrior."

What makes it so rare
is the potent blend

of intelligence,
creativity and discipline.

I see.

There is a downside, of course.

A rebellious streak, which can
become over-dominant.

Sometimes the artist warrior

finds that the world

does not live up
to his own high standards

and turns away from it

and may seek solace in cynicism,
or physical gratification --

food, wine, sex.

Spectacular success

or spectacular failure --

there´s no half measure
with the artist warrior.

Really?

Of course, you have
already achieved a great deal.

I would say you have nothing
to worry about.

You are a man who is perfectly
in tune with himself.

There´s no limit to what you
might achieve in the future.

I must say, I had my
doubts about this weekend,

but when all´s said and done, I
thought it was extremely useful.

I agree, sir.

Really restored my appetite
for the job.

Exactly, sir.

What about you, Crabbe?

Not very impressed
actually, sir.

What´s up, Crabbe?

Didn´t like
your personality profile?

May I ask what they said
about yours, sir?

Oh, nothing
I didn´t know about already.

All right, Henry, I´m sorry.

I went too far.

You were right, I was wrong.

No more double bookings.

No more answering machines.

Now will you please cheer up.

It´s not you, Margaret.

I know you were only trying
to do your best.

Look...

Mr. Crabbe,
we´d just like to say

that we´re really sorry about
Saturday night.

And that all the sort
of problems with Nicola

and about the money,
it´s all been sorted.

Yeah, we did get a bit
out of order,

but we´ve had a chat

and there won´t be any more
aggro from now on, okay?

Yeah, and sorry
about the butcher, Chef.

And the anchovy sauce.

Stop --
All these apologies

are making me suspicious.

And we think you should know
that Giles Dutton´s

written a review
of Pie in the Sky.

"My Nightmare Dinner."

"I´m still convinced the evening
was an elaborate practical joke.

"I looked hard but I couldn´t
spot the hidden cameras.

"The staff occasionally stopped
brawling with the customers,

"but only so they could
throw food at them.

"As a result,

"my cottage pie,
of which much less later,

"was brought to the table
by a bizarre character

"straight from the pages

"of one of the more depressing
Russian novels.

"This gothic troll, wild-eyed,
wild-haired,

"face streaked with grime,

"and hands encased in
fetishistic pink rubber gloves

"sat at my table uninvited
and lectured me

"on the dangers
of liquid manure.

"Then he too joined
the punch-up that

was raging on the other side
of the restaurant."

Oi, Crabbe?

Do you fancy
one of these or not?

Oh, dear.

I suppose it´s back
to square one, then.

Thank God.

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