Original subtitles

Hey. Hey, guys, listen.

Leslie's gonna walk in and say something

that sounds very boring but is actually a really big deal.

So when I give the signal, just everybody cheer like crazy.

Here we go.

Well, someone just officially enrolled

in the Senior Executive Service Development Candidate Program

at the Department of the Interior.

[all cheering]

Surprise!

Thanks. It's a big deal.

So my promotion is official.

We need to find a place in D.C.

because we're gonna be splitting our time.

I guess now is as good a time as any

make my announcement.

Joe and I just closed on a house in Seattle.

- Whoa! - Oh, my God!

Cheers.

Well, actually I have an announcement too.

After all these years in government,

I've decided to finally retire.

This is about people who are moving, Garry.

- Not everything is about you. - Good point.

Everyone's scattering.

Well, look at it this way,

bad news comes in threes, right?

We're leaving, April and Andy are leaving,

Donna's leaving, that's three.

Also I'm retiring.

That's three, Garry.

But we're probably due for some good news.

Good evening.

I come to you tonight with some good news...

Hey.

Is not a sentence I will be saying to you right now,

because beloved Pawnee Mayor Walter Gunderson has died.

[all gasp] [sighs]

Well, you jinxed us, Garry. Thanks a lot.

[triumphant music]

Walter Gunderson served Pawnee for 39 years.

And as per his final wish,

his body will lie in state

in the city council chambers for a day,

which is just a real cool thing for a public space.

Also, he sent us a brief video message

to be played for this event.

Hello, Pawnee.

My time in office has come to an end.

A lot has been done.

But I wasn't really doing very much.

I wasn't paying attention most of the time.

Fortunately, the citizens of Pawnee

didn't pay attention either.

So if there's credit to take,

I will humbly take it.

And if there is blame...

it's your fault.

Thank you.

Good-bye forever.

Uh, okay.

Well, that was really something.

People are dying, moving, retiring.

Too many endings. Not enough beginnings.

We need something to begin, and I have just the thing--

an underground dance competition.

I'm realizing I know nothing about the logistics

of how to start an underground dance competition,

but someone here will.

Hey, April, will you help me out with something?

No.

Apparently as city manager,

I'm in charge of appointing an interim mayor

until the special election.

So why don't you just appoint yourself?

You're basically running the town anyway.

Well, I was a mayor once before.

We all remember how that went.

Oh, yeah, you completely disgraced yourself

and destroyed an entire town.

Yeah, I said we all remember.

Now, will you help me find someone?

It can be anyone over the age of 30

who's a good symbolic face for the town.

Fine, whatever. I'll help you, okay?

Thank you. I told Garry he could help too.

- What? - Oh, notarizing a new mayor,

that is--well, it's like the ultimate notary adventure.

Oh, it's big.

Les-legally Blonde!

Got you a little gift in New York.

You did?

What did you get me? Ooh-la-la.

Men's Ferragamo loafers?

What am I supposed to do with these?

Yeah, you're right. I should probably keep them.

They're a size 6 1/2. Too small for you anyway.

- How was your trip? - Amazing.

A lot of great meetings.

Plus, Lucy and I had the best time.

It's for real, Leslie.

We even went to a jewelry store and looked at rings.

No!

Shia LaBeouf is one hell of a jewelry designer, by the way.

Man's really found his calling.

This is perfect.

With everything ending,

you guys are the happy beginning that we all need.

You should propose to her, right now, here.

What better place to ask a woman to marry you

than an old man's public memorial?

Yeah, I think I'm probably gonna wait.

Plus, Lucy's not in town.

She's in Philadelphia visiting friends.

She gets back tomorrow.

Yeah, you'd probably want her here for that, right?

All right, I'm gonna find April.

I got her a really nice Burberry necktie.

Gunderson was mayor my entire life.

Really makes you consider the "postulence" of time.

Sure.

Death is natural, Andrew.

We're born, we survive as long as we're useful,

and then we're killed,

either by our body's natural decay

or by those younger and stronger.

Speak for yourself.

Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams.

Wait a thousand years, thaw it out,

slap it on a robot, keep on balling.

Ron.

Carl.

Donna, Andy, this is Carl.

He owns the deli right next to my barber Salvatore's shop.

It's terrible, isn't it?

First Salvatore and now Mayor Gunderson.

What? What happened? Explain yourself!

Oh, Ron, you didn't hear?

Salvatore passed away yesterday.

- No. - Jeez.

No, it can't be.

Was he killed by a younger, stronger barber?

And now here to say a few words

is Mayor Gunderson's longtime friend and coworker

Ethel Beavers.

This is gonna be so sad.

They worked together for a long time.

I'll be brief.

Walter Gunderson and his wife

had an open marriage.

It kept him happy. It kept his wife happy.

Hi, Evelyn.

And it definitely kept me happy.

What is happening?

Because for 46 wonderful years,

he spent night after night

exploring every nook and cranny of my body.

[crowd groans]

Grow up, you prudes.

We're all adults.

My only regret is that I never told him

how I really felt.

So I'll say it now.

I loved that man.

And not just because he was a dynamite lay.

[scattered groans]

Good night, you animal.

Tom, listen to Ethel.

Ugh, no, it's too gross.

No, listen to her message.

You can't wait to tell someone how you feel,

because if you wait, before you know it, boom,

46 years later they're gone.

You're right.

We know we want to be together forever.

- So why wait? - Exactly.

And I will help you with the proposal.

What do you want to do?

Off the top of my head,

I guess my ideal proposal might be

a multiplatform media experience,

an action movie with explosive graphics,

fast cars, and a hero with one mission--

to propose to his lady.

A hero named...

Both: Tom Haverford.

- Okay! - Yes!

Oh, um, people grieve in different ways.

Listen, if you can't train 200 white doves

in the next four hours to spell out

"Lucy, will you marry me?"

then you have no business calling yourself a pet store.

Why can't everyone share our commitment

to the basic concept of outrageous pageantry?

I don't know, Tom. I really don't.

Oh, no, what do you want, Leslie?

Hey, Ian. I need a gigantic banner that says,

"Congratulations, Lucy and Tom,"

and I need it by tomorrow.

No way. Impossible.

Over the past 15 years,

I have spent nearly $100,000 at your banner store.

I have ordered banners

for every personal and professional event

that I've ever organized.

My credit card company called me about it.

Not to question the charges

but to sincerely ask me if I was mentally stable.

See that Rolex Submariner on your wrist, bro?

That's 'cause of Leslie.

You'll have the banner done.

Hey, Bobby, thanks for coming in.

Good to see you guys. It's been a while.

How's Leslie? Is she still, um...uh...

Oh.

What was that thing we ran for again?

City councilor.

I don't know. All right, if you say so.

I tell you, it's so hard to remember boring stuff like that.

Choosing to ignore what you just said,

we need an interim mayor just for two months.

And given your family name and how well-liked you are,

I thought you might be interested.

- Mayor? - Yeah.

Man, that'll be fun.

God, I don't think I can do it, though.

Yeah, 'cause I'm getting ready to go on a big trip,

to space.

That'll be really fun too.

Everything in life is always just so fun, right?

It really is.

See, this guy knows what's what.

- Yeah. - That was--yeah.

Hey, Ben, have you ever been to space?

You should check it out. Seriously.

I'm sure the Russian guys who built the rocket

- would be cool with it. - Really?

Just one thing, do you have $600,000?

It's just, that's what they need for a deposit.

Oh. Well, no.

I've already been to space.

I was the second person to walk on the moon.

Buzz Aldrin. Nice to meet you.

Nice try.

[chuckling] That's the guy from Toy Story.

[somber music]

We're so sorry, Ron.

You guys were close?

I've seen Salvatore the first Tuesday of the month

for the past four decades.

Same exact thing every time.

I paid him $8.

I sat in the same chair.

Salvatore put the same cape over me.

Then he'd always ask me about the same thing...

nothing.

It was perfect.

Can't delay this forever. Excuse me.

The three most important people in a man's life

are his barber, his butcher, and his lover.

I have lost one of those.

Here's a tenner, Sal.

As you know, I don't believe in tipping,

so I will collect my change from your wife.

I had an appointment with Salvatore scheduled for Tuesday.

Look how raggedy my hair is.

What am I supposed to be, some kind or rock star?

Okay, Tom, there's your mark.

You'll enter from the front.

Ted, are we rolling?

I think so. I don't really know.

Just please be careful with my store.

Okay, quiet on the set!

Action.

[French accent] Hello.

Would you like to see some rings, Agent Haverford?

Why are you doing an accent?

[normal voice] I came up with a backstory for my character.

She's married to a French billionaire,

and she has a twin sister, identical, and they keep--

Leslie, you have one line.

Well, I committed to the role.

[French accent] Hello.

Would you like to see some gorgeous jewelry?

We have the most rare diamonds in the world.

I'll take that one. The most expensive one.

Not so fast, Haver-fraud.

Ah,zut alors!

Get 'em, boys!

Freeze! Stunt double.

Tom.

Action!

Go, my puppets! Go, my puppets!

Fight, fight, my puppets!

Rack focus. Pan left.

I don't know what any of that means.

Just get--get the right-- go under the--

Go, my puppets.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, you want the big dog.

Is that what you want? You want the big dog?

Ahh!

[groaning]

Lucy, your mission, should you choose to accept it,

is to marry me.

And cut.

Oh, my gosh, Tom, that was amazing!

No, it wasn't.

You just destroyed my case.

Hey, it's the movie business, Ted.

You knew the risks. Okay, everybody in the van.

We're headed to the next location.

You should totally do it.

You'd be an amazing mayor.

Actually, you should be President of the universe.

Oh.

You know, I really would make an incredible mayor.

But, sadly, I cannot,

because I'm only 27 years old.

Really?

So you were born in the 1990s?

[top pops] Ooh! Mmhmm.

What a lovely offer, but I think not.

You know, I've got my hands full

with my practice, my other businesses,

my two terrible children.

I don't think I have time to be mayor.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Hold up. I will do John Mayer.

Again. [laughs]

Daddy, someone set a fire in your car

Because you took too long and I got bored Money, please.

Oh, no, no. There's no money.

Oh.

My bad. No problem.

- Oh, okay. - That's fine.

I'll just destroy this office.

Whoa, hey!

Money, please!

[baby voice] Money, please.

My money, please?

Ben, give her some money. It's easier.

I have to say, The Douche,

I'm skeptical that your interest is sincere.

I can understand that.

A morning shock-jock DJ, the mayor?

But keep an open mind.

I went to Northwestern,

I've worked on two political campaigns,

and I spend all of my time communicating with the public.

That's actually a good point.

I could do some great things for this city.

And some gross things with those juicy city hall interns.

Ga-ga-goink!

[flatulence]

Okay, well, thanks for coming in.

All right, B. Let me know.

Yeah. Ah.

Oh.

Well, I think we have our answer.

Come on, think.

There's got to be someone.

Okay, Ben, you know that I despise you

and that I want you and all people on Earth

to be miserable, right?

Sure.

You should be mayor.

You're the best person for the job,

and you deserve it.

Plus, this would erase Ice Town.

It's been torturing you since you were 18 years old.

And if you became mayor of Pawnee,

you could put it behind you once and for all.

Ugh.

Being nice made me feel terrible.

- My oral office! - What?

I'm gonna turn the mayoral office

into my oral office.

Boom!

Thought of it a second ago, had to pop back in.

- Had to? - Had to.

Buck up, Swanson.

It's like you said, death is natural.

And Sal lived a good, long life.

But so much is changing,

and I've never been a fan of change.

Salvatore was a constant in my life.

In my experience, the only constant is change.

Oh, shit.

Nice to see you, Ron.

I couldn't help but overhear.

Sure am sorry about your loss.

Every time we lose a compadre,

our collective lantern gets a little bit dimmer.

Hey, you look awful familiar.

Have we met before?

Oh, I'm sure our souls have collided

in one lifetime or another.

No, that's not it.

Are you in my Frisbee golf league?

Oh, yeah. I play for the Super Spinners.

Oh, I'm on the Frisbee Champs.

- Oh, cool. - I named us.

Andrew, stop speaking to this man.

He is the worst human being on Earth.

Oh, come on.

Death makes brothers of us all.

I've always found that when my soul aches with loss,

it's best to turn to Eastern wisdom.

This is from the Isle of Islay in Scotland.

This is as Eastern as my wisdom gets.

Swanson, this handsome spiritual cowboy

may actually be right about turning to the East.

I have an idea.

Trust me?

- Who cuts your hair? - Nobody.

Whenever my hair feels it has completed its journey,

it simply sheds itself off.

I hate you so much.

And I love you, my brother.

I'm really glad you were here

to help me with all this today.

You've always been there for me.

And I guess what I'm trying to say is

you're pretty cool.

I'm cool? I'm cool.

I'm a cool dudette.

Hey, it's pizza time.

And you've lost it.

No!

Hey, there's Lucy.

Hey, babe.

We're calling this off. It's all wrong.

Oh, no. Really?

Is it because I said "it's pizza time"?

No, but that definitely didn't help.

What's happening?

Grab Jean-Ralphio and get these three things.

And meet me at The Snakehole Lounge

in 30 minutes.

I have no idea what's happening,

and I'm very scared that everything is falling apart,

but you seem like James Bond right now.

- Go! - Yes.

Tommy T, we got you everything you asked for.

Ragaduk!

I didn't ask for flavored condoms.

No, no, no, that's just me looking out for you.

See, girls get mad horny when you propose.

That's why I do it all the time.

Okay, what are we doing?

There are hundreds of people waiting for us.

No time to explain, Les.

But don't worry, I have a plan.

Fine. I will leave.

Good luck.

You want to stay and hide and watch the proposal?

Yes! Yes, of course!

Okay, I already picked a place.

Don't follow me!

But I'm gonna, I'm gonna.

I can't believe I'm about to be the mayor.

I can't believe I'm about to notarize it.

Okay, so, look, just sign right there,

and then we can let the notary fireworks begin.

You know what? No, I don't want to do this.

Why?

I spent so long trying to forget about Ice Town,

but it's part of my life.

I mean, it set me on this path.

It led me to Pawnee, to my job, to Leslie.

I mean, who knows where I'd be without it?

I like that Ice Town happened,

and I don't want to erase it.

Okay, I wasn't listening to anything you just said.

But who is gonna be the mayor for the next two months, then?

Garry Gergich,

how would you like to be the next mayor of Pawnee, Indiana?

[gasps]

No!

[screaming]

What is all this?

Snakehole Lounge is where we first met.

On our first date, I gave you a single daisy,

like this.

And after that, we ate late-night pancakes at JJ's.

And while we were there, I pulled out a deck of cards,

and I tried to show you a magic trick

I learned off a David Blaine special.

Unsurprisingly, I failed,

and you made fun of me, ruthlessly.

I haven't done this trick in a while,

but I think I'm ready to try it again.

Pick a card.

No, no, no, no.

Go a little bit over to the left.

There you go.

Yes!

- Really? - Yes!

Yay.

Oh, my God, that was so sweet.

It really was.

So what's your story again?

I mean, like, how married are you?

You down to clown? You in that rude mood?

Why are you like this?

Pills, baby! [laughs]

Donna, this is crazy.

Typhoon is an artist, and the human head--

Is his canvas.

Just listen, you're gonna cut the man's hair.

You're gonna charge him $8.

It'll take you four minutes.

So just shut up and make the man look like this.

Fine.

Ugh.

So, Typhoon, what do you like to do for fun?

I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy,

and I do the chandelier design

for my friend's drag puppet show.

No further questions.

All I really want to do is dance.

Except lately all the good warehouse raves

are filled with Eurotrash.

"Eurotrash," I like that.

It is, indeed, a garbage continent.

Yes. Oh, my God.

I had the worst time in Berlin last May.

Everyone was on their stupid bikes.

I was like, "Ew."

[laughs]

Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.

Sorry about the audible.

I just realized Lucy doesn't care

about all that flashy stuff.

That's not the way to her heart.

Frankly, I'm stunned she's still even into me.

No, you were right to change course.

It was perfect and beautiful.

There's still a very big celebration

awaiting you and your fianc?e.

I think Lucy probably wants to hang just the two of us.

I'll see you later, Jennifer Knopez.

Catch you on the flip side, Tom-egranate Juice.

Hey, not bad.

[cell phone chimes]

Hey, babe.

Tom got engaged.

Oh, that's awesome.

More good news.

I finally found someone to be mayor--

Garry.

Oh, so glad we're leaving.

Wait, you know what?

I just had an amazing idea.

Just under the wire.

Oh, Ian, thank you so much.

It's great. Now throw it out.

I need a new one, and I need it in 20 minutes.

Ugh.

Look, if you didn't want

to be on call 24-7 for emergencies,

then you should not have gone into the high-stakes world

of banner making!

What the hell is all this about?

You'll see.

Well, I got to say,

that was a heck of a lot of fun.

What on Earth?

Happy Inauguration Day, buddy.

Oh, jeez, Leslie.

The passing of our beloved Mayor Gunderson

marks the end of an era.

But we are about to begin a new chapter

in Pawnee's history.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the new mayor of the great city of Pawnee, Indiana,

Garry Gergich.

I just want to say...

I'm flying!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0