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1
00:00:04,445 --> 00:00:05,800
I mean, there were rumors
that they were gonna
2
00:00:05,928 --> 00:00:08,393
announce it next month, but they
must have gotten impatient. Okay.
3
00:00:08,513 --> 00:00:10,368
Whatever they say,
we need to come up
4
00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:14,609
with 10,000 possible responses
to 10,000 possible scenarios.
5
00:00:14,836 --> 00:00:16,069
Okay, just to remind you,
6
00:00:16,104 --> 00:00:17,838
I don't work for the National
Park Service.
7
00:00:17,872 --> 00:00:19,106
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How are those scenarios coming?
8
00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:20,374
Okay, look.
9
00:00:20,408 --> 00:00:22,028
Before we go in there,
you need to know something.
10
00:00:22,335 --> 00:00:23,936
- He's here.
- Who's here?
11
00:00:23,970 --> 00:00:25,604
The guy whose name you forbid
me from saying
12
00:00:25,639 --> 00:00:26,872
out loud because it fills you
with rage.
13
00:00:26,906 --> 00:00:28,140
[Groans]
14
00:00:28,174 --> 00:00:29,508
Look, I don't know
who he's working for,
15
00:00:29,542 --> 00:00:30,776
but I guess he's part of one
of the bidding groups.
16
00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:32,211
Are you gonna be able
to be civil in there?
17
00:00:32,245 --> 00:00:33,612
I'm perfectly civil.
18
00:00:33,647 --> 00:00:35,347
He's the stupid garbage-head
doo-doo face.
19
00:00:35,382 --> 00:00:36,482
Perfect.
20
00:00:36,516 --> 00:00:37,850
Thank you all for coming.
21
00:00:37,884 --> 00:00:40,552
I am Trevor Nelson, legal
council to the Newport family.
22
00:00:40,587 --> 00:00:44,557
The Newport family trust intends
to sell a 25-square mile parcel
23
00:00:44,591 --> 00:00:48,427
of pristine, undeveloped land
containing Lake Eagleton
24
00:00:48,461 --> 00:00:50,129
and the Southern Indiana
foothills.
25
00:00:50,163 --> 00:00:51,363
Why now?
26
00:00:51,398 --> 00:00:53,365
The Newports have owned this
land for 100 years.
27
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:55,868
Thanks to the recent economic
boom in Pawnee,
28
00:00:55,902 --> 00:00:57,636
real estate prices are at an all
time high.
29
00:00:57,671 --> 00:01:00,239
And in the words of
Jessica Wicks-Newport, heir
30
00:01:00,273 --> 00:01:02,808
to the entire Newport fortune,
quote, "It's time to trade
31
00:01:02,842 --> 00:01:05,377
those dumb, old trees
for a butt load of cash."
32
00:01:05,412 --> 00:01:07,846
It is.
It truly is.
33
00:01:07,881 --> 00:01:10,683
This land is begging to be
a new national park.
34
00:01:10,717 --> 00:01:12,151
And it's in my own backyard.
35
00:01:12,185 --> 00:01:13,385
This could be my crowning
achievement.
36
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:14,653
I could retire.
37
00:01:14,688 --> 00:01:15,888
I mean, I wouldn't.
38
00:01:15,922 --> 00:01:17,289
I'm gonna work until I'm 100
39
00:01:17,324 --> 00:01:19,158
and then cut back to four days
a week.
40
00:01:19,192 --> 00:01:22,261
Oh, God, I'm already so bored
thinking about that one day off.
41
00:01:22,295 --> 00:01:23,996
Maybe I'll go to law school
or something.
42
00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:25,397
We will select the finalists
43
00:01:25,432 --> 00:01:28,567
from a set of initial sealed
bids due at 5:00 P.M. tomorrow.
44
00:01:28,602 --> 00:01:29,568
Good luck.
45
00:01:29,603 --> 00:01:31,236
- Okay.
- Cool.
46
00:01:31,271 --> 00:01:32,204
- There he is.
- What?
47
00:01:32,238 --> 00:01:33,539
- Okay.
- He's here?
48
00:01:33,573 --> 00:01:34,873
- He is coming over.
- I don't want to talk to him.
49
00:01:34,908 --> 00:01:35,975
I should hide.
No, he should hide.
50
00:01:36,009 --> 00:01:37,276
He should run.
He should run away.
51
00:01:37,310 --> 00:01:40,312
He should hide his stupid face.
He shouldn't be--
52
00:01:43,016 --> 00:01:45,017
Hello, Ms. Knope.
53
00:01:45,051 --> 00:01:49,088
Hello, former strange person
I used to friend.
54
00:01:49,122 --> 00:01:53,525
You're looking very...
Ron-like.
55
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,227
- You have your same hair.
- No, I don't.
56
00:01:55,262 --> 00:01:56,262
I have bangs now.
57
00:01:56,296 --> 00:01:57,463
I've never known what bangs are,
58
00:01:57,497 --> 00:01:58,618
and I don't intend to learn.
59
00:01:58,631 --> 00:02:00,032
Well, maybe you should!
60
00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:02,735
I left the parks department
two years ago.
61
00:02:02,769 --> 00:02:04,136
Now I work in
the private sector,
62
00:02:04,170 --> 00:02:06,438
running my own building
and development company.
63
00:02:06,473 --> 00:02:09,775
It's called Very Good Building
and Development Company.
64
00:02:09,809 --> 00:02:11,677
I wanted to convey the quality
of our work
65
00:02:11,711 --> 00:02:13,479
without seeming flashy.
66
00:02:13,513 --> 00:02:16,415
So your company is involved
with one of the bidders?
67
00:02:16,449 --> 00:02:19,051
Hell yeah, pimp!
68
00:02:19,085 --> 00:02:20,753
He's on team Gryzzl now.
69
00:02:20,787 --> 00:02:22,888
We, uh, hired his company
to help plan and build
70
00:02:22,923 --> 00:02:24,690
our new Gryzzl campus.
71
00:02:24,724 --> 00:02:26,659
Right here in town.
Oh, and that land?
72
00:02:26,693 --> 00:02:28,294
Oh, my gosh.
It's perfect.
73
00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:30,663
The trees and rocks and sky.
74
00:02:30,697 --> 00:02:33,832
Yes, the land has good sky.
75
00:02:33,867 --> 00:02:36,068
Sky!
He's so far out.
76
00:02:36,102 --> 00:02:38,837
So norm-core.
77
00:02:38,872 --> 00:02:42,141
You know that the National
Park System deserves this land.
78
00:02:42,175 --> 00:02:43,742
Why are you trying to screw me?
79
00:02:43,777 --> 00:02:45,811
This is like Morning Star all
over again.
80
00:02:45,845 --> 00:02:47,579
This is nothing like
Morning Star.
81
00:02:47,614 --> 00:02:49,515
And that was two years ago.
82
00:02:49,549 --> 00:02:50,683
Well, you don't know
who you're dealing with.
83
00:02:50,717 --> 00:02:53,152
I directly oversee 1,200 people.
84
00:02:53,186 --> 00:02:56,422
I have a staff
of creative geniuses
85
00:02:56,456 --> 00:02:59,992
that will not stop working
until we win this bid.
86
00:03:00,026 --> 00:03:01,160
Leslie?
87
00:03:01,194 --> 00:03:02,461
I-I couldn't find that file
you wanted,
88
00:03:02,495 --> 00:03:06,198
but I did find a file called
bird census, 1980.
89
00:03:06,232 --> 00:03:08,734
- And...it's empty.
- Get out of here, Ed!
90
00:03:08,768 --> 00:03:09,935
- I fired you.
- Right.
91
00:03:09,970 --> 00:03:12,441
If anyone wants to hang,
I will be at Subway.
92
00:03:15,775 --> 00:03:16,942
He's very stupid.
93
00:03:16,977 --> 00:03:20,679
[Triumphant music]
94
00:03:20,714 --> 00:03:31,436
95
00:03:37,831 --> 00:03:39,098
Babe?
96
00:03:39,132 --> 00:03:40,366
Just dropped off Leslie's
triplets with her mom.
97
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:41,734
All three of 'em.
Nailed it.
98
00:03:41,768 --> 00:03:43,302
Look what she gave us.
Slow cooker.
99
00:03:43,336 --> 00:03:44,670
- Great.
- Yeah.
100
00:03:44,704 --> 00:03:47,064
Um, so hurry up and get ready.
The gala starts in an hour.
101
00:03:47,073 --> 00:03:49,241
And don't forget, tomorrow we
have to go to that guy's office
102
00:03:49,276 --> 00:03:50,576
to sign the renter's insurance
forms.
103
00:03:50,610 --> 00:03:52,177
Get ready.
Go.
104
00:03:52,212 --> 00:03:53,812
Everything is going great.
105
00:03:53,847 --> 00:03:56,282
April's kicking ass at her
National Parks job.
106
00:03:56,316 --> 00:04:00,486
Uh, I work there part time.
And I have my own TV show.
107
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,988
Welcome back to the
Johnny Karate Super Awesome
108
00:04:03,023 --> 00:04:04,423
Musical Explosion Hour.
109
00:04:04,457 --> 00:04:06,859
[Cheering children]
110
00:04:06,893 --> 00:04:09,128
Morning, Johnny.
I have something for ya.
111
00:04:09,162 --> 00:04:11,497
It's Mailman Barry.
Morning, Barry.
112
00:04:11,531 --> 00:04:13,632
- I have something for you.
- Andy, no.
113
00:04:13,667 --> 00:04:16,235
- Ninjas attack!
- No.
114
00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:18,470
Oh!
That's my crotch.
115
00:04:18,505 --> 00:04:20,506
Okay, guys.
Three more kicks a piece.
116
00:04:21,841 --> 00:04:23,509
Uh, Jessica?
Hi.
117
00:04:23,543 --> 00:04:25,023
I'm glad I caught you
before you left.
118
00:04:25,045 --> 00:04:27,146
Just between you and me,
what do you think your land
119
00:04:27,180 --> 00:04:28,681
might sell for tomorrow?
120
00:04:28,715 --> 00:04:33,085
Trevor says it'll probably be
around $90 million.
121
00:04:33,119 --> 00:04:34,887
Ah ha!
Woo!
122
00:04:34,921 --> 00:04:36,922
- Oh.
- Oh--oh, wow.
123
00:04:36,957 --> 00:04:40,459
I know.
I am just--I am so happy for me.
124
00:04:40,493 --> 00:04:42,728
Would you ever consider giving
the federal government
125
00:04:42,762 --> 00:04:43,729
a discount?
126
00:04:43,763 --> 00:04:46,632
For a very good cause?
A national park.
127
00:04:46,666 --> 00:04:48,467
Oh, Leslie.
I have always liked you.
128
00:04:48,501 --> 00:04:49,781
Yeah, no, you haven't, though.
129
00:04:49,803 --> 00:04:54,306
But I also like money.
And money pays for my lifestyle.
130
00:04:54,341 --> 00:04:56,809
Leslie doesn't pay for my
lifestyle, money does.
131
00:04:56,843 --> 00:04:59,712
So between money and Leslie...
132
00:04:59,746 --> 00:05:01,547
Uhh.
133
00:05:01,581 --> 00:05:05,084
- You see the bind that I'm in?
- Yeah, it's a tough one.
134
00:05:05,118 --> 00:05:06,151
Well, thank you, Jessica.
135
00:05:06,186 --> 00:05:07,620
You did and said exactly
what I thought
136
00:05:07,654 --> 00:05:09,088
you were gonna do and say.
137
00:05:09,122 --> 00:05:12,925
- And that's oddly comforting.
- Thank you, sweetie.
138
00:05:12,959 --> 00:05:18,597
Who is Tom Haverford?
He's a mentor, a lover, a hero.
139
00:05:18,632 --> 00:05:21,433
But who is my hero?
Simple.
140
00:05:21,468 --> 00:05:23,569
It's me.
Five years from now.
141
00:05:23,603 --> 00:05:24,703
Okay, I really only need
142
00:05:24,738 --> 00:05:26,572
a correct spelling
of your last name.
143
00:05:26,606 --> 00:05:29,108
You are looking at one of
Indiana Business monthly's
144
00:05:29,142 --> 00:05:30,776
35 under 35.
145
00:05:30,810 --> 00:05:32,478
I own Pawnee's
hottest restaurant,
146
00:05:32,512 --> 00:05:36,015
two fast-casual eateries,
and the Tommy Chopper.
147
00:05:36,049 --> 00:05:37,549
We serve chopped salads
out of a decommissioned
148
00:05:37,584 --> 00:05:39,385
military helicopter.
149
00:05:39,419 --> 00:05:41,120
I'm a mogul now.
150
00:05:41,154 --> 00:05:42,187
Hey, Tom?
151
00:05:42,222 --> 00:05:44,156
Ben Wyatt, city manager
of Pawnee.
152
00:05:44,190 --> 00:05:45,591
Chamber of Commerce asked me
to introduce him
153
00:05:45,625 --> 00:05:47,760
at a very fancy black tie gala
tonight.
154
00:05:47,794 --> 00:05:49,161
One of the many area big wigs
155
00:05:49,195 --> 00:05:51,530
who comes to me for life advice,
fashion tips.
156
00:05:51,565 --> 00:05:53,332
Uh, you get it.
Write this all down.
157
00:05:53,366 --> 00:05:54,600
So for the introduction,
158
00:05:54,634 --> 00:05:56,268
I'd love it if you could just
keep it brief.
159
00:05:56,303 --> 00:05:57,770
Like, stick to my fiscal
accomplishments.
160
00:05:57,804 --> 00:05:59,104
[Snores]
161
00:05:59,139 --> 00:06:01,407
Oh, wanna wake me up when you're
done boring us to death?
162
00:06:01,441 --> 00:06:02,741
Am I right, Janet?
163
00:06:02,776 --> 00:06:04,143
[Laughs]
164
00:06:04,177 --> 00:06:06,245
Write down that I'm funny.
165
00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:08,080
Benji?
Relax, come on.
166
00:06:08,114 --> 00:06:10,049
When's Tommy ever let you down?
167
00:06:10,083 --> 00:06:11,584
Constantly.
168
00:06:11,618 --> 00:06:14,553
I'm being honored at a gala
tonight because I'm in charge
169
00:06:14,587 --> 00:06:17,323
of the Pawnee bicentennial
celebration.
170
00:06:17,357 --> 00:06:19,358
It's my biggest project since
ice town.
171
00:06:19,392 --> 00:06:21,627
So it really means a lot
that I'm being recognized
172
00:06:21,661 --> 00:06:24,363
as a city leader,
instead of being yelled at
173
00:06:24,397 --> 00:06:27,499
and pelted with things.
174
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:29,301
Wait, you don't think
this is all an elaborate setup
175
00:06:29,336 --> 00:06:32,371
to pelt me with things, do you?
176
00:06:32,405 --> 00:06:34,840
It takes like eight hours
to cook something in this thing.
177
00:06:34,874 --> 00:06:37,009
I guess I could pick up
a brisket tomorrow
178
00:06:37,043 --> 00:06:38,644
and start it for dinner
Thursday.
179
00:06:38,678 --> 00:06:39,712
Oh, Thursday's no good.
180
00:06:39,746 --> 00:06:41,947
I have production meetings
all day.
181
00:06:41,982 --> 00:06:44,183
Then we've got dinner
with Joe and Donna on Friday.
182
00:06:44,217 --> 00:06:45,918
Hey, you know, Sunday.
183
00:06:45,952 --> 00:06:46,986
We can go
to the farmer's market,
184
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:48,554
put the brisket
in the slow cooker,
185
00:06:48,588 --> 00:06:50,055
get a movie on pay per view.
186
00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:52,391
The new Jason Bourne movie's
supposed to be pretty funny.
187
00:06:52,425 --> 00:06:53,993
[Screams]
188
00:06:54,027 --> 00:06:57,062
Andy?
We're planning our whole week.
189
00:06:57,097 --> 00:06:58,130
Like old people.
190
00:06:58,164 --> 00:06:59,665
We used to be spontaneous
and weird.
191
00:06:59,699 --> 00:07:01,100
We used to eat cereal
out of frisbees
192
00:07:01,134 --> 00:07:02,534
because we didn't have
any bowls.
193
00:07:02,569 --> 00:07:04,436
You once broke a rib trying
to wrestle one of those
194
00:07:04,471 --> 00:07:05,804
inflatable floppy guys
at a car dealership.
195
00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:07,072
I won.
196
00:07:07,107 --> 00:07:08,207
Now you sprained your shoulder
trying to clean out
197
00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:09,742
the stupid gutter.
198
00:07:09,776 --> 00:07:12,344
You even have a job.
We have a bank account!
199
00:07:12,379 --> 00:07:13,846
That's it.
200
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,115
We've held out as long as we
could, but it finally happened.
201
00:07:16,149 --> 00:07:17,616
We're boring.
202
00:07:17,651 --> 00:07:19,485
We're boring people who will
bore each other by being boring.
203
00:07:19,519 --> 00:07:21,186
No!
We are still fun.
204
00:07:21,221 --> 00:07:22,421
I'm gonna prove it to you.
205
00:07:22,455 --> 00:07:24,690
Tonight at the gala,
we are gonna do something
206
00:07:24,724 --> 00:07:26,725
spontaneous and weird.
207
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:30,696
Okay.
208
00:07:30,730 --> 00:07:32,998
Stop taunting me.
209
00:07:33,033 --> 00:07:34,313
Get on the phone to Washington.
210
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:36,101
Call in every favor
that we have.
211
00:07:36,136 --> 00:07:37,803
Dave, put Missouri on the back
burner.
212
00:07:37,837 --> 00:07:39,138
This is top priority.
213
00:07:39,172 --> 00:07:41,874
You all have 36 hours
to find me $90 million.
214
00:07:41,908 --> 00:07:42,908
Go!
215
00:07:42,943 --> 00:07:44,810
Whoa, $90 million?
216
00:07:44,845 --> 00:07:46,245
Well, I only have $2 million
217
00:07:46,279 --> 00:07:48,480
in the discretionary fund
and I've already used some of it
218
00:07:48,515 --> 00:07:50,416
to make Thomas Jefferson sexier
219
00:07:50,450 --> 00:07:52,718
in those Mount Rushmore
promotions.
220
00:07:52,752 --> 00:07:54,486
Which, by the way, attendance
has been up.
221
00:07:54,521 --> 00:07:55,921
That's not a coincidence.
222
00:07:55,956 --> 00:07:58,190
Pawnee's rich and famous
will all be here tonight.
223
00:07:58,224 --> 00:08:00,526
- Maybe you start there.
- That is a very smart idea.
224
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,395
And that tuxedo makes you look
like a sexy orchestra conductor.
225
00:08:03,430 --> 00:08:04,830
- Here, wave this pen around.
- Focus.
226
00:08:04,864 --> 00:08:06,999
Fine.
Let's go get that park.
227
00:08:07,033 --> 00:08:09,702
That park is my dream.
I'm not gonna let it slip away.
228
00:08:09,736 --> 00:08:12,171
Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron
have more money?
229
00:08:12,205 --> 00:08:14,673
I have the most valuable
currency in America.
230
00:08:14,708 --> 00:08:18,351
A blind, stubborn belief that
what I am doing is 100% right.
231
00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:24,969
Ken Hotate.
Great bow tie, is that new?
232
00:08:25,003 --> 00:08:27,405
Why, yes it is.
My son sells them on Etsy.
233
00:08:27,439 --> 00:08:29,307
He is a huge disappointment.
234
00:08:29,341 --> 00:08:30,575
Oh, well.
235
00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:32,343
Now that we're chatting,
the National Park Service
236
00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:35,113
is looking to buy
the Newport land.
237
00:08:35,147 --> 00:08:36,914
But we're a little short
on funds.
238
00:08:36,949 --> 00:08:39,717
- How short?
- $88 million.
239
00:08:39,751 --> 00:08:42,687
What do you say you put some of
that casino money to good use?
240
00:08:42,721 --> 00:08:44,322
You know, we have been
considering opening
241
00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:45,323
a second resort.
242
00:08:45,357 --> 00:08:46,757
No, it would be a donation.
243
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,153
The government would keep
the land.
244
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,328
So you would like the Wamapoke
people to pay
245
00:08:50,362 --> 00:08:53,664
the federal government millions
of dollars to buy land
246
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,501
that was stolen from us
by the federal government?
247
00:08:56,535 --> 00:08:58,369
And we don't even get to keep
the land?
248
00:08:58,403 --> 00:09:00,938
Well, when you put it like
that, I see the irony.
249
00:09:00,973 --> 00:09:02,907
So are you in?
No?
250
00:09:02,941 --> 00:09:04,942
What if I buy some of your
disappointing son's bolo ties?
251
00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:05,910
Damn it.
252
00:09:05,944 --> 00:09:06,911
Hey, check it out.
253
00:09:06,945 --> 00:09:07,979
I'm so crazy and spontaneous,
254
00:09:08,013 --> 00:09:09,213
I don't even need this sling
anymore.
255
00:09:09,248 --> 00:09:10,648
- Yes.
- Pa-dow.
256
00:09:10,682 --> 00:09:13,184
Oh!
Oh, did you hear that pop?
257
00:09:13,218 --> 00:09:14,485
Could you hear that?
258
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:17,121
- You wanna do shots?
- Yeah, I'd love to do a shot.
259
00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:19,056
'Cause wine makes me sleepy now.
260
00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:20,892
This is gonna be fun.
What do you want to do first?
261
00:09:20,926 --> 00:09:22,059
Ooh.
262
00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:25,029
I dare you to eat this entire
jug of olives.
263
00:09:25,063 --> 00:09:27,198
Done!
264
00:09:27,232 --> 00:09:28,699
- What are you doing?
- I'mma take a Zantac.
265
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,101
All that salt will give me
heartburn.
266
00:09:30,135 --> 00:09:31,335
Oh, God.
You ruined it.
267
00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:33,204
We--we have to figure something
else out.
268
00:09:33,238 --> 00:09:34,572
Should I still take the Zantac?
269
00:09:34,606 --> 00:09:37,575
Yeah, you always feel better
when you do.
270
00:09:37,609 --> 00:09:39,410
Oh, my God, I hate us!
271
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:40,745
Let's go.
272
00:09:40,779 --> 00:09:43,714
Now, I know all of you are off
doing your own things
273
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,983
and we don't see each other
as much as we used to,
274
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:48,252
but I need my old team back
for one last mission.
275
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:51,622
So hands in.
Defeat Ron on three.
276
00:09:51,657 --> 00:09:53,391
- One, two, three!
- Ooh.
277
00:09:53,425 --> 00:09:56,160
Actually, Ron promised me
I could build a restaurant
278
00:09:56,195 --> 00:10:00,264
on the new Gryzzl campus so I'm
kind of totally on Ron's side.
279
00:10:00,299 --> 00:10:01,399
Okay.
Tom's dead to me.
280
00:10:01,433 --> 00:10:03,234
Donna?
Waiting for your hand.
281
00:10:03,268 --> 00:10:07,171
Yeah, Ron hired Regal Meagle
realty to broker the deal.
282
00:10:07,206 --> 00:10:09,473
And I'm gonna need the money
for my wedding.
283
00:10:09,508 --> 00:10:10,842
[Gasps]
284
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:12,710
Shia LaBeouf-designed wedding
dresses do not come cheap.
285
00:10:12,744 --> 00:10:14,045
Oh, my God, you're getting
married?
286
00:10:14,079 --> 00:10:16,647
That's amazing.
And you didn't tell me earlier?
287
00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:17,782
How could you?
288
00:10:17,816 --> 00:10:19,150
Joe popped the question
a few days ago.
289
00:10:19,184 --> 00:10:20,518
I didn't post anything
on Gryzzlfeed
290
00:10:20,552 --> 00:10:22,220
'cause I wanted to tell you
in person.
291
00:10:22,254 --> 00:10:25,623
This is very beautiful.
And I'm furious at you.
292
00:10:25,657 --> 00:10:26,824
How are you?
How are the kids?
293
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:28,259
Oh, they're great.
You know.
294
00:10:28,293 --> 00:10:29,794
They're trying to destroy us.
There's three of them.
295
00:10:29,828 --> 00:10:31,062
It's insane.
But they're great.
296
00:10:31,096 --> 00:10:33,631
We gotta run, Les.
Sorry for totally crushing it.
297
00:10:33,665 --> 00:10:36,667
And you in the process.
Later.
298
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:40,671
Well, never fear,
because Terry is here.
299
00:10:40,706 --> 00:10:42,240
Yes, I go by Terry now.
300
00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:43,775
Because there was a guy
at National Parks,
301
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:45,209
he was already named Larry.
302
00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:47,478
So they suggested I go by Terry.
303
00:10:47,513 --> 00:10:51,249
And then I said my real name is
Gary and they said, who cares.
304
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:53,818
So.
It's just a fun group.
305
00:10:53,852 --> 00:10:54,986
Good evening,
306
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:58,222
and welcome to the Pawnee
Bicentennial Gala.
307
00:10:58,257 --> 00:11:02,059
[Applause]
308
00:11:02,094 --> 00:11:05,363
Not long ago, this town
was barely on the map.
309
00:11:05,397 --> 00:11:06,831
Unless you were talking about
a map of the cities
310
00:11:06,865 --> 00:11:10,168
with the most obese pets.
311
00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:13,905
But then, one great man
came along
312
00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,574
and he lifted all of us up.
313
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:24,015
And that man was me.
Tom Haverford.
314
00:11:24,049 --> 00:11:26,951
Owner and proprietor
of the effortlessly chic,
315
00:11:26,985 --> 00:11:30,555
celebrity-packed Italian
restaurant, Tom's Bistro.
316
00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:32,156
And several other
establishments.
317
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,458
Ron?
How could you?
318
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,226
I simply took a skewer
for one shrimp
319
00:11:35,260 --> 00:11:36,661
and added many shrimp to it.
320
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:38,162
They're long enough
for five or six.
321
00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,731
First you try to steal my park
and now you steal my team?
322
00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:42,266
I didn't steal them.
323
00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:45,103
They're independent people who
have moved onto better things,
324
00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:46,871
just like you did.
325
00:11:46,905 --> 00:11:50,108
Bacon-wrapped shrimp.
I fit seven on this one.
326
00:11:50,142 --> 00:11:51,442
It's a masterpiece.
327
00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:52,944
Why don't you shove them all
in your dumb mouth
328
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:54,679
and then when I turn around,
you can stab me in the back
329
00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:56,147
with the skewer?
330
00:11:56,181 --> 00:11:57,748
People come up to me
and they say things like,
331
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,585
Tom, given all that you've
accomplished,
332
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:02,753
is it hard to stay humble?
333
00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:06,324
And I say...not for me.
334
00:12:06,358 --> 00:12:09,026
I'm pretty amazing
at being humble.
335
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,729
But, enough about me.
336
00:12:11,763 --> 00:12:13,464
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
337
00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:17,168
Pawnee's man of the year 2017,
Mr. Ben Wyatt.
338
00:12:17,202 --> 00:12:20,037
[Cheers and applause]
339
00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,206
Thank you.
Thanks.
340
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:27,278
And thank you to Tom for that
moving tribute to you.
341
00:12:27,312 --> 00:12:30,181
And thank you to the boys and
girls club for the incredibly
342
00:12:30,215 --> 00:12:32,884
lifelike paper-mache statue.
343
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,352
You know, when I first moved
here--
344
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:35,920
[interrupting music]
345
00:12:35,954 --> 00:12:39,190
Oh, uh.
I guess it's time for cake?
346
00:12:39,224 --> 00:12:40,658
Okay.
Great.
347
00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:42,760
Perfect.
Timing.
348
00:12:42,794 --> 00:12:44,195
Oh, how about this?
349
00:12:44,229 --> 00:12:45,696
We shut off the lights,
350
00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:48,566
turn 'em back on, everybody's
fancy jewelry is missing.
351
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,470
Meanwhile, you and I are already
on a boat to the airport.
352
00:12:52,504 --> 00:12:54,038
Let's put stink bombs
in all the vents.
353
00:12:54,072 --> 00:12:55,606
- Yes.
- Wait, no.
354
00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:56,574
I forgot.
355
00:12:56,608 --> 00:12:57,675
I got rid of all the stink bombs
356
00:12:57,709 --> 00:13:00,144
before you babysat
Leslie's kids.
357
00:13:00,179 --> 00:13:02,213
Being responsible adults
sucks butts.
358
00:13:02,247 --> 00:13:03,948
Butts, that's it.
I'll streak across the stage.
359
00:13:03,982 --> 00:13:05,216
Yes, I love it.
360
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:07,485
I'm gonna get naked.
I'm gonna get up there.
361
00:13:07,519 --> 00:13:09,187
Everyone is gonna see my weiner.
362
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:10,755
I mean, you've seen it.
You know how dumb it looks.
363
00:13:10,789 --> 00:13:12,290
- Uh-huh.
- Perfect plan.
364
00:13:13,425 --> 00:13:14,492
Why are you even here?
365
00:13:14,526 --> 00:13:16,027
What have you ever done
for this city?
366
00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:19,530
My company has stimulated
Pawnee's economy.
367
00:13:19,565 --> 00:13:23,100
You're just still upset about
Morning Star.
368
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:25,069
I told you to never say
that word to me.
369
00:13:25,104 --> 00:13:26,904
No one should ever say that word
out loud.
370
00:13:26,939 --> 00:13:28,606
It's like Voldemort.
Or Ron.
371
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:30,808
You know what?
You don't deserve that candle.
372
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:31,809
- Gimme that candle!
- Let go.
373
00:13:31,844 --> 00:13:32,810
- Let go.
- This candle's mine.
374
00:13:32,845 --> 00:13:33,911
No, give me this candle.
375
00:13:33,946 --> 00:13:34,912
You steal my team,
I steal your candle.
376
00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:35,947
- I stole nothing.
- Guys?
377
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:36,914
- Neh.
- Guys?
378
00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:37,915
- I want it!
- Leslie.
379
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,517
- Stop!
- [Grunts]
380
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:42,119
[Crowd gasps]
381
00:13:43,689 --> 00:13:45,556
It's okay.
Everything's fine.
382
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:47,158
Just wheel out the backup cake.
383
00:13:47,192 --> 00:13:49,193
There is no backup cake.
384
00:13:49,228 --> 00:13:51,629
Who doesn't bake a backup cake?
385
00:13:51,663 --> 00:13:53,498
Okay, well that seals it.
386
00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:56,801
Even Leslie is crazier
than we are.
387
00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:58,740
They're still gonna serve
that cake, right?
388
00:14:01,118 --> 00:14:04,698
And then I said, uh, you might
want to check with the penguin.
389
00:14:04,818 --> 00:14:06,623
[Laughter]
390
00:14:06,943 --> 00:14:07,876
I get it.
391
00:14:07,911 --> 00:14:10,412
You Gryzzl guys are a real hoot.
392
00:14:10,447 --> 00:14:13,539
- And you have so much money.
- Thanks, Jessie.
393
00:14:13,659 --> 00:14:16,627
And, hey, enjoy that new
prototype Gryzzl tablet, huh?
394
00:14:16,662 --> 00:14:17,962
I will.
I just love it.
395
00:14:17,996 --> 00:14:20,565
Tablet: Thank you, Jessica.
I love you too.
396
00:14:20,599 --> 00:14:22,900
I love your skin.
Give me your skin.
397
00:14:22,935 --> 00:14:24,235
Oh.
398
00:14:24,269 --> 00:14:25,736
There's still a couple bugs
with the A.I. software.
399
00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:29,073
But, uh, maybe just turn it off
before you go to sleep.
400
00:14:29,107 --> 00:14:30,208
All right, Donna.
Let's hit it.
401
00:14:30,242 --> 00:14:31,742
- About to get some peddies.
- Okay.
402
00:14:31,777 --> 00:14:33,478
Peddies on peddies on peddies.
403
00:14:33,512 --> 00:14:35,479
Okay.
You're next.
404
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:39,584
Hello, Ron.
405
00:14:39,618 --> 00:14:41,185
I just want you to know
that I am not sorry
406
00:14:41,220 --> 00:14:42,854
that I pushed you into
a giant cake.
407
00:14:42,888 --> 00:14:46,657
Well, I am sorry.
That I attended a public event.
408
00:14:46,692 --> 00:14:48,426
Yo, Ron?
Come on, bud.
409
00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:49,594
We're gonna go play some
video games
410
00:14:49,628 --> 00:14:52,263
and we want you
to watch quietly.
411
00:14:58,036 --> 00:15:00,004
[Sighs]
412
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,274
After we drop off the renter's
insurance forms,
413
00:15:03,308 --> 00:15:04,809
we need to stop by
the grocery store.
414
00:15:04,843 --> 00:15:06,511
And then we need to sign
a suicide pact,
415
00:15:06,545 --> 00:15:07,812
because our lives
are meaningless.
416
00:15:07,846 --> 00:15:10,081
Babe, we are not boring people.
417
00:15:10,115 --> 00:15:12,350
Would boring people get
renter's insurance,
418
00:15:12,384 --> 00:15:14,118
even though it's not
legally required?
419
00:15:14,153 --> 00:15:15,253
Where are we?
420
00:15:15,287 --> 00:15:17,655
I have never once been to this
part of Pawnee.
421
00:15:17,689 --> 00:15:20,024
It's the creepy warehouse
district.
422
00:15:20,059 --> 00:15:23,327
It's mostly just raccoons
and old car batteries.
423
00:15:23,362 --> 00:15:25,396
Whoa, hang on.
Pull over.
424
00:15:25,431 --> 00:15:26,497
Look at that.
425
00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:34,739
- This place is amazing.
- Let's go in.
426
00:15:36,608 --> 00:15:38,776
[Knock on door]
What up, playa?
427
00:15:38,811 --> 00:15:41,312
Just wanted to apologize
for my intro running long.
428
00:15:41,346 --> 00:15:42,547
But, uh, you know.
429
00:15:42,581 --> 00:15:44,115
When it comes to inspirational
Will Smith quotes,
430
00:15:44,149 --> 00:15:45,383
how are you gonna stop at ten?
431
00:15:45,417 --> 00:15:46,751
You know, when the Chamber
of Commerce asked you
432
00:15:46,785 --> 00:15:49,187
to introduce me, I was a little
worried you would spend
433
00:15:49,221 --> 00:15:51,823
the entire time talking about
yourself,
434
00:15:51,857 --> 00:15:54,659
which is exactly what you did.
435
00:15:54,693 --> 00:15:56,527
I'm sorry.
436
00:15:56,562 --> 00:15:59,330
Truth is, they didn't ask me
to introduce you.
437
00:15:59,364 --> 00:16:00,565
I asked them if I could do it.
438
00:16:00,599 --> 00:16:04,068
I was gonna talk about how I owe
you so much.
439
00:16:04,103 --> 00:16:07,038
How you stood by me through all
my failures and I stood by you
440
00:16:07,072 --> 00:16:08,506
through all your terrible
outfits.
441
00:16:08,540 --> 00:16:11,409
But when I got up there,
I got pretty emotional.
442
00:16:11,443 --> 00:16:16,180
To make it up to you, I'd like
to read you the speech now.
443
00:16:16,215 --> 00:16:18,349
I've known a lot of ballers
in my day.
444
00:16:18,383 --> 00:16:21,919
But no man balls harder than
the man I'm about to bring up.
445
00:16:21,954 --> 00:16:25,256
He's kind, he's intelligent.
[Sobs]
446
00:16:25,290 --> 00:16:28,693
He's a person I'm deeply proud
to call my friend.
447
00:16:28,727 --> 00:16:32,463
Pretty good speech.
I mean, it was, um...
448
00:16:32,498 --> 00:16:35,433
a little sappy, maybe.
449
00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:36,400
[Sobs]
450
00:16:36,435 --> 00:16:39,370
I think I liked it.
451
00:16:39,405 --> 00:16:44,342
[Sobbing]
452
00:16:45,744 --> 00:16:47,578
Jessica, Mr. Nelson.
453
00:16:47,613 --> 00:16:49,747
You are going to hear
a lot of bids today.
454
00:16:49,782 --> 00:16:54,419
But this is the only one
that matters.
455
00:16:54,453 --> 00:16:56,654
Is this a circle?
456
00:16:56,688 --> 00:16:59,257
Or, is it an "O"?
457
00:16:59,291 --> 00:17:00,425
[Gasps]
458
00:17:00,459 --> 00:17:02,560
Is Oprah involved in your bid?
459
00:17:02,594 --> 00:17:04,262
It's a zero.
460
00:17:04,296 --> 00:17:06,330
I bid zero dollars.
461
00:17:06,365 --> 00:17:08,966
I have to say, that's one of
the lower one's we've seen.
462
00:17:09,001 --> 00:17:11,803
Pawnee is celebrating its
200th anniversary,
463
00:17:11,837 --> 00:17:14,372
and the Newport family has been
here since day one.
464
00:17:14,406 --> 00:17:17,508
Through feast and famine,
transformation, upheaval,
465
00:17:17,543 --> 00:17:19,177
celebration.
466
00:17:19,211 --> 00:17:21,879
The Newport family is part of
the fabric of this town,
467
00:17:21,914 --> 00:17:23,514
and not always in a good way.
468
00:17:23,549 --> 00:17:25,683
Like when your hot fudge
pipeline exploded.
469
00:17:25,718 --> 00:17:27,685
Oh, boo hoo.
It all ran off into the lake.
470
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:28,820
Well, yes.
471
00:17:28,854 --> 00:17:31,022
Admittedly, it did make the fish
taste delicious,
472
00:17:31,056 --> 00:17:32,423
but it was a P.R. nightmare.
473
00:17:32,458 --> 00:17:34,125
My question is this.
474
00:17:34,159 --> 00:17:37,562
What do you want the Newport
name to mean in the future?
475
00:17:37,596 --> 00:17:40,331
If you donate this land
and you let me turn it
476
00:17:40,365 --> 00:17:42,733
into a national park--
477
00:17:42,768 --> 00:17:45,837
the Newport National Park--
478
00:17:45,871 --> 00:17:49,107
your name will stand
for something good.
479
00:17:49,141 --> 00:17:51,375
For generations to come.
480
00:17:51,410 --> 00:17:56,247
- How much was her bid again?
- It was, uh...zero dollars.
481
00:17:56,281 --> 00:17:58,216
Oh.
That's the part I don't like.
482
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:01,285
Just keep me in the running.
483
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,288
Give me a chance to prove
to you how great this could be.
484
00:18:06,825 --> 00:18:10,962
Says here there are 12
closets, three bomb shelters,
485
00:18:10,996 --> 00:18:13,998
five dumb waiters,
two and three eights baths.
486
00:18:14,032 --> 00:18:15,299
No kitchens.
487
00:18:15,334 --> 00:18:16,801
It's a fairly standard layout.
488
00:18:16,835 --> 00:18:18,803
Cool, is that a staircase
to nowhere?
489
00:18:18,837 --> 00:18:20,705
Yes, it is.
Good eye.
490
00:18:20,739 --> 00:18:22,240
What was this place?
491
00:18:22,274 --> 00:18:24,742
Remember the Pawnee doll head
factory?
492
00:18:24,777 --> 00:18:26,577
- This was a doll head factory?
- No.
493
00:18:26,612 --> 00:18:29,380
This was a holding cell
for people who went insane
494
00:18:29,415 --> 00:18:32,383
on the assembly line.
495
00:18:32,417 --> 00:18:34,218
What's behind this door?
496
00:18:34,253 --> 00:18:35,653
[Gasps]
497
00:18:35,687 --> 00:18:36,754
Fire poll.
498
00:18:36,789 --> 00:18:38,823
So this place has had
zero offers?
499
00:18:38,857 --> 00:18:41,359
People seem to be scared off
500
00:18:41,393 --> 00:18:45,096
on account of it being
haunted...
501
00:18:45,130 --> 00:18:46,698
and disgusting.
502
00:18:46,732 --> 00:18:50,535
After 47 years living here,
I decided to move
503
00:18:50,569 --> 00:18:53,805
to Orlando to be closer
to Disney World.
504
00:18:54,807 --> 00:18:57,141
We are responsible adults.
505
00:18:57,176 --> 00:18:58,616
- You know what that means.
- I know.
506
00:18:58,644 --> 00:19:02,046
We have money and we are going
to buy the shit
507
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:03,247
out of this house.
508
00:19:03,282 --> 00:19:04,649
- Seriously?
- Yes.
509
00:19:04,683 --> 00:19:08,286
Who needs rental insurance?
We're gonna live here.
510
00:19:16,317 --> 00:19:18,221
We now go live to the press
conference.
511
00:19:18,341 --> 00:19:19,575
Good evening.
512
00:19:19,609 --> 00:19:21,010
I'm attorney Trevor Nelson
with the law firm
513
00:19:21,044 --> 00:19:22,544
Fwar, Dips, Winshares,
Gritt, Babip,
514
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:23,879
Pecota, Vorp, and Eckstein.
515
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,015
Legal counsel to the Newport
family.
516
00:19:26,335 --> 00:19:28,202
Here to announce that the
Newport family trust
517
00:19:28,237 --> 00:19:30,805
has narrowed the search
to two final candidates.
518
00:19:30,839 --> 00:19:34,142
The Gryzzl Corporation
and the National Park Service.
519
00:19:34,176 --> 00:19:36,644
Okay.
I'm in the game.
520
00:19:36,679 --> 00:19:39,847
All I have to do is convince
them that it's better taking
521
00:19:39,882 --> 00:19:42,350
no money than taking
$90 million.
522
00:19:42,384 --> 00:19:44,953
Well, you did convince three
unsuspecting toddlers
523
00:19:44,987 --> 00:19:47,489
that peas turn into cupcakes
in their tummies.
524
00:19:47,523 --> 00:19:51,626
I started my career in Pawnee
by turning a pit
525
00:19:51,660 --> 00:19:53,461
into a cool, little park.
526
00:19:53,495 --> 00:19:57,498
And now, I have the chance
to give this town a massive,
527
00:19:57,533 --> 00:20:00,034
beautiful gift
that they can use forever.
528
00:20:00,069 --> 00:20:02,971
In the words of Jason Bourne,
"This is where it started
529
00:20:03,005 --> 00:20:05,340
for me, this is where it ends."
530
00:20:05,374 --> 00:20:07,442
Yeah, you know,
I still think Kevin James
531
00:20:07,476 --> 00:20:09,410
was a weird choice
for the reboot.
532
00:20:09,445 --> 00:20:12,747
Oh, I don't.
I think he nailed it.
533
00:20:12,781 --> 00:20:15,149
So I'm thinking in addition
to the Tom's Bistros,
534
00:20:15,184 --> 00:20:18,553
we have a hyper exclusive lounge
area called Tommy's Lounge.
535
00:20:18,587 --> 00:20:20,855
Attention!
This is war.
536
00:20:20,889 --> 00:20:24,659
You guys are going down.
And that's all I wanted to say.
537
00:20:24,693 --> 00:20:26,461
Except Donna, Tom.
Hey.
538
00:20:26,495 --> 00:20:28,730
I'm--I'm sorry I haven't kept in
better touch with you recently.
539
00:20:28,764 --> 00:20:31,684
But I've just, you know, I'm a
little preoccupied with my kids and my job.
540
00:20:32,906 --> 00:20:34,999
And also, prepare for war.
541
00:20:35,178 --> 00:20:38,380
Because you chose the wrong side
and we are gonna smoke you.
542
00:20:38,415 --> 00:20:39,915
And also, I made cookies.
543
00:20:39,950 --> 00:20:42,118
But Ron is not allowed
to eat them.
544
00:20:42,152 --> 00:20:45,387
And they say prepare for war
on them.
545
00:20:45,422 --> 00:20:48,624
But the "O" in the word for
is a heart.
546
00:20:48,658 --> 00:20:50,659
And...
547
00:20:50,694 --> 00:20:53,095
I ate a lot of them on the way
over here,
548
00:20:53,130 --> 00:20:54,997
because we're at war.
549
00:20:55,031 --> 00:20:56,599
- Hey, Tom.
- Hey, man.
550
00:20:56,633 --> 00:20:58,313
- Buddy, good to see you.
- How's it going?
551
00:20:58,335 --> 00:21:00,035
- It's pretty good.
- Hey, Andy!
552
00:21:00,070 --> 00:21:01,704
Let's go.
553
00:21:01,738 --> 00:21:03,506
War.
554
00:21:04,092 --> 00:21:08,234
555
00:21:08,284 --> 00:21:12,834
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