All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e14 saries.eng

"Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt
were married

"one year ago this week
at the Pawnee city hall.

"The bride wore a gown made
by her friend Ann Perkins.

"And the groom wore a butt so perfect
it could make an angel hang itself."

- You wrote this, didn't you?
- I did.

- They cut it way down.
- Thank God.

Okay, so, the big day is tomorrow.

So let's go over this again.
What are the anniversary rules?

At lease 100 kisses.

Dinner at 7:00.

- And no gifts.
- That's right, no gifts.

No gifts.

No gifts.

Oh, I'm getting him a gift.

I always say that I'm not gonna
get him a gift.

And Ben always believes me.

And then, bam, I surprise him

with the best gift of all time.

He makes the cutest, dopiest
face when he's surprised.

It's like... Wha-a-a-at?

I'm not gonna make my stupid
surprise face this year

because this time I got her
the most amazing gift ever.

And she'll never see it coming

because I'm giving it
to her today, one day early.

So she's gonna make
the face this year.

She will make that stupid face!

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Additional support
for Pawnee Public Radio

comes from the Edgar C.
and Janis R. Lumway Foundation

and the Richard and Lois Wallenberg
Foundation Foundation...

dedicated to the idea
that all human beings

deserve a chance to hear about
foundations.

Welcome to
Thought For Your Thoughts.

I'm your Pawneean host,
Derry Murbles.

And I'm your Eagletonian host,
August Clementine.

Yes, if you have not heard
our program in a while,

Thought For Your Thoughts
now has a co-host,

thanks to
the Pawnee-Eagleton merger

I believe that is
the Eagleton-Pawnee merger,

n'est-ce pas?

I'd like to apologize to our listeners

for my co-host's sudden
and violent outburst just now.

Our guest is former city
councilwoman Leslie Knope.

- Leslie, thought...
- For your thoughts.

I said it.

Absorb the aggression, Derry.

Absorb the aggression.

Well, I just want
to say thank you so much

for having me.

It's a thrill to be here.

As a listener, I think
the merging of your two shows

has really created such a big,
quiet, arcane ball of fun.

It's been a couple of months
since Pawnee and Eagleton

officially merged.

Things are going... okay.

There's still a little animosity
between the two towns.

I haven't seen Pawneeans this mad

since Frankie's discontinued
their pizza-stuffed-crust pizza.

It was a pizza whose crust
was stuffed with little pizzas.

And the crust of those little pizzas

was made of chocolate.

Ms. Knope, I understand
you're here today

to try to convince us

that this disastrous merger
of our two towns

was, in any way, a good idea.

Yes, there were some
bumps and bruises.

And a brief rash of arson.

And a rather large-scale brawl
at the dump.

But overall, the state
of the merger is very strong.

Scoff.

Did you just say the word "scoff"?

You must admit, Ms. Knope,
that the merging of the towns

has been fraught with antipathy.

For example, I now have
to share my studio

with a fatuous twerp
who shall remain nameless.

This twerp has a name.

And it's August N'gutu
Liebowitz-Clementine.

Guys...

Hello.

Thank you so much

for letting me help plan
your anniversary.

It is so wonderful to be part
of such a special day.

Okay, remember,
under no circumstances

can Leslie know
about what's going on.

She has to make that face,
do you understand?

No, I don't fully,
but my lips are sealed.

I asked for Larry's help
because he has

the most successful marriage
of anyone I know,

to a gorgeous woman.

Which, honestly,
is still a mystery to me.

Like, was it a hypnosis
accident or something,

where they put Gayle under

and made her fall in love with Larry

and never said the magic word
to snap her out of it?

Like, if I say "nutmeg,"

will she wake up and start screaming?

What kind of pet are you
interested in adopting?

We have dogs, cats, rabbits.

Um, I work here, so, legally,
you can adopt me.

The girls want an actual dog.

And they want it to look like this.

Interesting.

So, like a banana made of spiders?

I've said it before
and I'll say it again,

children are terrible artists.

And artists are crooks.

I think I know a good dog.

There he is!

Ron, how about this guy?

Yes, he is a handsome fellow.

Hello, dog.

I'll take him.

That was easy. Awesome.

Well, Donna can help you
get started on the paperwork.

Donna?

"Why lie? I'm shopping.
Back in an hour."

Ugh! God, she's always just
leaving and not telling me.

Hello, caller. You have a comment?

Yeah, ever since the merger,

we've had a really bad trash problem.

Well, yes, there has been
some confusion

with some of the garbage routes.

And the Sanitation Department
is stretched a little thin.

No, I mean Eagletonians
are human garbage.

And we should throw them
in a dumpster.

Kapow!

Yeah, I really like the merger,

but I hate that Eagleton
was forced to join Pawnee.

Well, that's what the merger is.

Oh. Yeah, then I hate the merger.

I think the merger was great.

And I think Leslie Knope
did an amazing job.

I don't know who this is,
but I agree.

- It's Andy!
- Hey.

I'm on the radio!

That's all the time we have on
Thought For Your Thoughts.

- I'm Derry Murbles.
- And I'm August Clementine.

And I talked last. Good day.

Is this land mine still functional?

Partially.

Why?

Because I want to blow up
Donna's desk

so I can teach her
a lesson about what happens

when you skip work.

I'm not sure that's how
you should go about this.

I'm kind of her boss, now,
but I still feel weird disciplining her.

What do I do?

Look her in the eyes and tell her
exactly what you need from her.

Be mature, direct, and firm.

What? Some fool
just slammed me on Yelp.

I took Ron's advice.

I very maturely and straightforwardly

left anonymous comments
about Donna online.

"Stopped by to adopt a dog,

"but the employee, Donna Meagle,

"was nowhere to be found.

Thanks for nothing,
Donna Meagle. Booooo!"

With five "O"s.

Oh, my God, that sucks.

Just have to work harder,
I guess, huh?

This freak thinks he can hide
behind some anonymous user name?

I'm about to hunt you down.

Don't be upset, Leslie.
No one listens to the radio.

I wasn't even listening.
I was listening to podcasts.

Podcasts are great.
Radio is boring.

Tom, this merger needs a win...

something symbolic
and bright and happy

that will show that there's
light at the end of the tunnel.

God, I am so stressed.

Uh, Leslie, may I borrow you
for a second?

Something very special to show you.

Now is not the time, Larry.
Please leave.

- I think you...
- Larry! What are you still doing here?

Aw, jeez. Okay.

I just wish Pawnee and Eagleton
were as happy as Ben and me.

Yeah, by the way,
I was gonna mention,

you look really old in this picture.

What?

Andy, this is a picture of us.

This is a picture of an elderly couple.

Rosie and Doug DeMarco.

They've been married for 50 years.

"Rosie Hails from Pawnee,
while Doug is originally

from the former Eagleton."

Oh, my God, this is perfect.

A Pawnee-Eagleton couple that
has been married for 50 years

is a perfect symbol of how
our towns can get along.

And we are gonna hold them up
as an example

of Pawnee-Eagleton unity.

Whoo! I'm getting
the epiphany sweats.

Stop where you are
and take off your clothes.

It's couples massage.
Ugh. Where's Leslie?

Oh, well, she seemed
kind of stressed out.

And then she yelled at me,

and she said she was
too busy to come.

And since you had said
do not tell her the secret

- under any circumstances...
- Aw, man.

Well, that's a danger of doing
things a day early, I guess.

Should I text her and try again?

Why don't you just go ahead
and get your massage,

and then hopefully we can
get her in for the next thing.

Okay. I have been
kind of tense lately.

Just thinking about
the new Star Wars sequel.

I'm afraid they're gonna
rely too heavily on CGI.

And I'm carrying it all
in my shoulders.

Just you? You paid for a couple.

Well, can't believe
I'm saying this, but, uh...

Larry, would you like to get
a couples massage with me?

I would love to.

Are we sure we should do this?

Last time we scared an old person,
Larry had a heart attack.

That was awesome.
He farted so much.

Okay, look, obviously,
we don't really know

these people, so let's
keep things fun and positive

and celebratory, and merger-y.

Can I help you?

Hello, Mrs. DeMarco,
I am Leslie Knope,

and we saw your announcement
in the newspaper

and we would love to treat
you and your husband

to a very special day.

All right.
How much money did we win?

Oh, no, you didn't win any money,
you won something better than money.

A golden anniversary celebration.

So no money.

No, and I'm now just realizing
how misleading this giant check it.

- Told you.
- Yes, you did, Tom.

Thank you. Now is not the time.
We... Hey! Hey!

We'll give you some money.
Okay?

Here, here's some money.
Everybody give 'em money.

I got football cards,
and a travel mouthwash.

Wow! That's great!

Let's get started!

Just give me
the IP address of the dude

that gave me
that cracked-out Yelp review.

Okay, here we go.

The IP address says it came from
someone inside city hall.

In this building? Oh, hell, no.

Well, who cares, really?

It's just some dumb
internet person. Ignore it.

Ignore it?

I'm about to come down on this
dude like Thor's hammer Mjolnir.

I'm about to go Mjolnir
on his ass!

Speaking of bad reviews...

Computers are mostly pointless,
but that Yelp thing

gave me a great idea on how to
criticize people and places.

I am composing strongly-worded letters

about things I disapprove of,
and I am using the internet

to get addresses
where I can send them.

So far I've written
to a vegetable farm,

several European ambassadors,
a manufacturer of male cologne,

and a nonfat frozen yogurt bar.

"Dear frozen yogurt,
you are the celery of desserts.

Be ice cream or be nothing.
Zero stars."

Oh, I cannot wait for Leslie
to see this surprise.

I am so prepared.

I watched Enchanted three times
to get all the details right.

And then another two times,
because that movie is amazing.

Oh, it really is.

- Hello?
- Oh, hey, Leslie.

You want to go grab lunch together?

- I'm out front. Super casual.
- I'm sorry, babe.

I'm not even in my office.
I'm out saving the merger.

Can it wait?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No worries.

Okay, great.
I'll see you at dinner. I love you.

Oh, boy.

Well, it's not too late
to cancel the waffle buffet

or the Hilary impersonator,

but a lot of these deposits
were non-refundable.

Hey, Larry.

You up for a boys' day out
in a horse-drawn carriage?

Sure. What the heck?

Well, thus begins
our enchanted adventure.

God, that movie really was amazing.

And you know what doesn't
get enough credit in that movie?

- The score.
- Music.

Good sir,

tally ho.

God, that... from the movie!

That is definitely from the movie.

Okay, you two, head on up there.

We are gonna recreate your
wedding photo from 50 years ago.

Okay, let's relive that day.

Only this time could we
shave her moustache?

Oh, boy. I don't know.

I'm kind of worried about
putting these two on live TV.

They're sort of grumpy.

Why are we wasting our time
with these old people anyway?

They're like the old version of iTunes.

We're like the new version
of iTunes, baby.

We're gonna be here forever.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna die someday.

Well, let's just hope that deep down
these two still love each other.

Hey, no touching.
This is not your birthday.

Now, you see, the trick with paella
is to use just enough saffron

- to complement the shellfish.
- Okay.

- Oh, man, that is so good.
- Oh, yeah.

Wow, isn't this exciting?

In just a few minutes,

you are going to be professing
your love on television.

Could I have a glass of water
before we go on?

Don't give him any water.

He does this annoying thing
where every time

he takes a drink of water
he goes, "Ah..."

She does this annoying thing
where every time

she takes a drink of water
she is an old nag.

Ah, the playful banter
of a couple on the same team.

That's what this is, right?

All right, let's burn this candle.

Joan, if we could just have a moment.

We need to get ready.

Oh, no, no. We gotta go.

Yeah, the uppers are kicking in.

Just took some ludes
to kind of smooth it out,

so I'm right in that sweet spot.

Got about 20 minutes before
I either get really tired

or really horny, so let's roll.

Dougie, are you sure
you want to go on television?

You look like a leather glove
got caught in a lawnmower.

Okay, you know what?
I'm going to admit something.

I orchestrated
the Pawnee-Eagleton merger,

and I was hoping that
your marriage could show people

that a happy union is possible.

So when you're out there,
if you could just, you know,

look back over the past
50 years together

and focus on the good times, okay?

Donna, you wanted to see me?

Yes, I did, troll.

What?

You tried to adopt a cat
last week and I turned you down,

because I thought it was too sad
for you to have six cats.

Then you tried to blow up
my spot online.

You're fired.

You're not my boss, I work
for the city attorney's office.

You're fired.

How much postage does it take
to send a letter to Canada?

- Who's it going to?
- Canada.

It says, "Dear Canada,
you."

Doug and Rosie DeMarco,
50 years.

Ahh.

Tell us how you first met.

Well, it was 1963,

and we met, and it was great.

Isn't love grand?

50 years of marriage, helping
to bridge the meaningless divide

between Pawnee and Eagleton.

Yeah, my show, my questions.

So what is the secret sauce
that we should all

be putting on
our marriage burgers?

Well, we never go to bed angry.

Never, ever would have
thought of that.

- Ahh.
- Okay.

I can't do this.
Leslie, you can keep your money.

M-money?

Did you bribe them to be here?

No, I...

Leslie offered us each
200 bucks to keep this going...

- Ah...
- But it's impossible.

You want to know
why we got married?

Bring it.

I had no prospects, and Dougie
here had an alcohol problem.

Plus the Cold War was happening,

and frankly, we all thought
we were gonna die.

Well, I figured I could
really tick off my parents

by shacking up
with some Pawnee trash.

Ya-ta-ta-ta-ta. Okay.

We all agree that marriages
have their ups and downs,

but at the end of the day,
they're worth it because...

Who likes tap dancing?

I slept with Sharon in 1979.

I used to get out of the shower
in front of your brother on purpose.

Hey, Leslie, who cares?
They're old people.

They eat, they sleep, they complain,
and they watch Family Feud.

Oh, my God,
I wanna be an old person.

Gah, I don't know what to do.

I wish Ben was here.
What is he doing right now?

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Oh, man!

- You did good!
- Larry!

Whoa! Wow. Thank you.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I own Lettuce Eat,
the vegan restaurant on Lowell Drive,

and I wanted to know
why you nailed this letter to my door.

"Veganism is the sad result

"of a morally corrupt mind.

Reconsider your life."

Because I believe it. Good day.

Carnivores. You're all the same.

How did that guy
know where to find you?

I assume he saw
my name and address

at the bottom of the letter
I nailed to his door.

- You signed your real name?
- Of course I did.

What's gonna happen?

A vegan is gonna physically
attack me?

They're basically made of glass.

But more importantly,
if you believe in something,

you sign your name to it.

Which is why the makers
of carbonated water

will soon know exactly
where to find me.

Donna, Kyle did not
write those things, okay?

I did.

- I know.
- You do?

I checked what else
that user had written.

It was a review
of a funeral home that said

"Great first date spot."

I dragged Kyle in here to see
if you would come clean.

Well, you overestimated

how much I care
what happens to Kyle.

Or anyone, really.

But... I'm sorry that I didn't
just talk to you.

And I'm sorry I bailed on work.

And I'm sorry I toyed with you
instead of coming at you straight.

From now on,
we say what we feel.

- Cool?
- Cool.

Your lipstick looks weird.

You're gonna want to
shut your mouth right now.

Good talk.

I don't know.

Maybe Pawneeans and Eagletonians
aren't meant to coexist.

Well, at least our merger
is going well.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You know, Andy and Tom were right

when they said
the DeMarcos don't matter.

Their generation's the past.

The way to make
this merger take hold

is to focus on the future.

Of course.

The children.
The children are our future.

Whitney Houston knew it,

and so do you, and so do I.

I'm gonna need your help
on something.

- I think we should go to work...
- Oh.

But not now. We're having dinner.

Damn, this paella is good.
Did you put saffron in here?

It makes the shellfish
taste delicious.

Yes. Yes, it does.

Okay, the people in this room

are the first members of the
Pawnee-Eagleton Youth Committee.

Now, April says that young people

think the word "committee" is lame,

so let's just think of this
as a like a super chill,

fun e-hangout.

Worse. That's worse.

Okay, new people.
Let's introduce ourselves.

Craig Middlebrooks.

Samantha in the boardroom,
Miranda in the bedroom.

I know it's not ideal,
but it's who I am.

This is my friend Madison.
She's amazing.

And she drove me here!

Okay.

This group has
an incredibly important job.

You need to figure out how to
hold this town together.

You are going to meet twice a week

and you're here
because of your energy,

and your youth, and for some
of you, your mental age,

and you're going to find a way
to make this merger stick.

So we are gonna order you
some 'zzas.

You get to B.S.-ing,
brainstorming.

Just chill. Peace out.

Okay, so it's been an hour.

From out there,
it looks like you guys

were having some fun,
getting to know each other.

So why don't we call
this first meeting a success

and then we'll get together
later in the week.

Hold up, sweet pea.
We have an idea.

It's called the Unity Concert.

It's a massive music and arts festival
to celebrate the merger.

We get artists and musicians
from both towns

to come together.

It's gonna be like a giant Woodstock,

except for instead of everybody
rolling around in mud,

they'll be rolling around
in happiness.

Or maybe mud. I don't know.
I can't control the weather.

We want to have a bunch
of different band stages.

You know, people will go
to parts of the town

they don't usually go to.

Plus, we'll have tents
for art exhibits

and panels, and maybe
a short film festival.

Donna said she might
be able to get Ginuwine.

That's given me a reason to live.

Yeah, it's not like
everyone's gonna suddenly

start holding hands and making out,

but we figure, why not
throw a big three-day

outdoor party,
show everyone a good time,

and maybe they'll forget
about this stupid stuff.

What do you think?

I don't... I don't...

I don't even...
You know what I mean?

What's wrong with her?
Why is making those noises?

Oh, right, you don't know Leslie.

That means she loves it so much
she can't speak.

You guys, that's like...
I don't know... Amazing.

Like... what you do there.

Happy anniversary.

So I know we agreed on no gifts.

- What?
- But I did get you a gift.

- No.
- A bunch of them, actually.

I was gonna surprise you
with them yesterday,

but they never reached you.

Ahem.

Oh, my eff-ing God.

You planned all of this for me?

An enchanted carriage?

This is amazing.

Oh, and your scrapbook
instincts are really good.

I mean, this is a little rough,

but you have a lot of talent here.

Oh, I can't believe

I actually defeated Leslie Knope
at a gift exchange.

- Yes!
- Uh, yeah.

About that.

Happy anniversary.

It's the Iron Throne.

Ohh! It's the Iron Throne.

Yes, it is.

I had a guy at the model store
make a replica.

He's a bigger Game of Thrones
fan than you are.

Okay, I know I'm making
that dumb surprise face,

but I can't help it.

This is the greatest gift
I've ever received, Leslie.

When you play the game of thrones,
you win or you die.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No!

Come here.
Come hither, peasant.

Come here. Who are you?

Our starship is in trouble.

Okay, Leslie, listen.

If you're not... if you don't know
what you're talking about...

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