All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s06e13 hris.eng

What do you mean, you can't?
Look...

I am throwing a farewell party
for my best friend, Ann Perkins.

And if she casually mentioned 3 years ago

that she thought indoor
fireworks would be cool

then guess what,
you're gonna give me indoor fireworks.

Tonight's biggest surprise
is 5 years in the making.

It all goes back to when I
first met my best friend.

I'm here to talk about

the abandoned lot
on Sullivan Street.

I've been trying to get this
thing fixed for months,

and it's government-owned

and you need
to do something about it.

- I will help you.
- Is that a promise?

It's more than a promise.

It's a pinky promise.

That promise launched
a friendship so grand

it takes 103 scrapbooks
to capture it.

I have secretly arranged
to officially break ground

on Pawnee commons at midnight,

fulfilling my pinky promise
that I made five years ago.

Oh, ice cream sandwich
taste test!

That was our biggest fight.

- Hey, Knope.
- Harold.

You're breaking ground on
the Pawnee commons tonight?

Public works
never signed off on that.

Look, your office
was giving me a hard time,

so I had to call in
a few favors.

I don't like it
when people go over my head.

Understood.
I will make a note of that.

Would you like a treat?

I run that department

and I do not appreciate--

- Damn, that's really good.
- Right?

There's gonna be a lot
of these at the party.

- You should come by.
- I kno--

I get it.
I know what you're doing.

And I still--is there
a little crunch in there?

- Hazelnut.
- Ooh.

Ooh, right?

See you tonight.

Okay, well,
let's go set up this party.

April, thank you.

I know you may tease Ann,
but deep down inside

I can tell that you really care.

Ann's leaving town and saying
painful good-byes to loved ones.

Greatest day of my life!

[Triumphant music]

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Thank you all so much for
helping me with these boxes.

I'm just a little behind because
every time I start, I get--

[sobs]
a little emotional.

Hey, that box
has my name on it.

Hey, this one
has my name on it.

This one
has plates' name on it.

You have just found
your buddy boxes.

Each box contains a memento
of our friendship.

I was gonna give them
to you later,

but there is no time
like the present.

Fun pun alert.

A bronzed hamburger.

It's from our turkey versus
beef cook-off, remember?

You were a worthy adversary.

I would have preferred
a regular hamburger for eating,

but this is very nice.

2008 Indiana state audit
spreadsheets?

Man, that year was insane!

That was the year you went
from being an auditor

to a legend.

Whoa!

A picture of me officiating
Leslie and Ben's wedding.

And look, you can
just about see my head.

Thank you so much.

Snakejuice!

I thought these were destroyed
by the FDA.

I did have to go to a very
seedy location to find it,

but now I know where to go to
place a bet on horse fighting.

Okay, don't mention anything
about the groundbreaking to Ann.

Repeat that back to me.

Tell Ann about
the groundbreaking,

frame Ann for murder,

release a deadly virus
into the water supply.

Good.
[Gasps] Oh!

Bon voyage, Ann.

My God, this is amazing.

That's sparkling cider.

Why is there a New Year's Eve
countdown clock

and the Easter bunny?

I don't know
when we're gonna be able

to visit each other,
so just to be safe

this party is a celebration
of every event

that's gonna happen this year.

Your birthday, New Year's,
Chinese New Year's, flag day.

Ain't no party like
a Leslie Knope party

'cause a Leslie Knope party
is actually 30 parties.

Knope, you have
out-knoped yourself.

[Mocking laugh]

Seems like the party's
dying down. Weird.

Ann, you probably wanna head
to Michigan forever,

so I snuck into your house
and packed a bag for you. Bye.

This is just a bunch
of bras and knives.

And loose onions.

Okay, party!

Don't drink!
Have fun!

Hey, so we have a little
farewell gift for you.

We all pitched in
and got you a gift card

from that home store,
"Pots and Pans."

We have been on the prowl
for some amazing pots.

Well, that card's
for three pans.

Either way, this is great.

You know what?

We should get
to the good-bye party,

although I know
it's mostly for Ann.

Yeah, but there's, like,
one corner for you

and it's just carob cookies
and berries.

Carob cookies and berries

are literally my favorite
dessert alternative.

I'll go get changed.

Man, he put a lot of work
into our presents.

I feel kinda bad just
getting him a gift card.

I also shook his hand.
Twice.

Anything more than that
would be excessive.

Let's all put our heads
together and brainstorm.

We gotta send this dude off
with the perfect gift.

I say we start
with the three "C�s,"

cashmere, concert tickets,
caboodles of cash.

I feel like those
are perfect gifts for you.

Those are perfect gifts
for anyone.

Ugh, I wish you guys were Donna!

I'm 100% sure
that I will not meet

another Donna Meagle
in Michigan.

I'm gonna miss you.

You know, I'm gonna miss you
too, Perkins.

But now that you're officially
out of the dating pool,

you know I'm gonna
run this town, right?

Ooh.

Oh, yeah, you do not wanna
go down that road.

Trust me, I tried.

Hi, Stephen.

Hey, Ann.

- Super cute baby bump.
- Thanks.

Good looking out.

Hey, Ron, have you seen April?

I've been mostly focused
on these ribs.

By the way, you're out of Easter
ham and Thanksgiving turkey.

Great party.

[Phone rings]

Hey.

Are you on the lot?

Is everything okay?

Uh, not really.

Public works put up a giant
padlock on the fence

and a sign that says
"No trespassing."

That probably
doesn't apply to us.

There's also a sign that says
"Especially Leslie Knope."

Well, Leslie Knope
is a very common name.

There's a professor in
Copenhagen named Leslie Knope.

They probably mean him.

Do they mean the professor?

Yeah,
there's a picture of you also.

And two huge security guards.

Holy mother of Malia!

And Sasha.

I love them both equally.

Okay, it's that stupid Harold
who's behind this.

Get here and we will
make a plan.

How long do I have to do this?

Until I say so, Orin!

Stay in character.

Leslie can't watch anything
with Julie Andrews in it

before bedtime because
it gets her too hyper.

Okay.

If Chris gets cranky
around noon,

just stuff some chia seeds
into a fig--

works every time.

Awesome, thank you.

Wow, we really picked
some intense people

- to spend our lives with, huh?
- Yeah.

Where's Leslie?
I haven't seen her in a while.

Oh, she's just running around

trying to pull off an elaborate,
thoughtful surprise for you.

- Of course.
- Where's Chris?

I told him that One Headlight
By the Wallflowers

isn't "dancing" music and he
said "Not with that attitude."

Of course.

Dude, Ann, you know
what I just remembered?

We used to date.
[Chuckles]

Yeah, we lived together
for two years.

I know, it's crazy, right?

Anyways, you're the best.

Have fun in Mexico.

Harold,
it is Leslie Knope again.

I know you are
screening my calls,

but if you could call me bac--
[Sighs]

And his voicemail is full.

Did you have any luck?

Flipped through the bylaws.

I don't think
there's anything I can do.

What is the point
of being married

to a city manager if he can't
wield unfettered power

to crush my enemies?

Hopefully there are
a few other reasons.

- Yeah.
- Looks like we hit a wall.

Oh, God.
[Sobs]

April?
Are you okay?

What's happening?

I'm just so scared

that this means that Ann
won't really leave.

Life, huh?

It's quite a ride.

Yes, Tom, it is.

I got you a going-away
present.

I'm deleting you from my phone.

You're finally free
of my animal magnetism.

Maybe one day years from now
when we're both old

and Chris is dead,
you'll run into me somewhere.

I'll be opening
my latest mega club.

I'll see you there
on the street by yourself

and I'll tell
the bouncer/my bodyguard,

"Hey, that woman's way too old
to get into this club,

but why don't you
let her in the back?"

That's very generous.

Stay golden, sweetheart.

I'm gonna miss you too, Tom.

Shh.

And you're kind
and you're thoughtful

and you're always such a delight
to have around.

I am sure you are going
to be an incredible mother.

Thanks, Larry.
That's nice.

Good-bye, Ann.

I have enjoyed
parts of our time together.

[Sobs] Oh, God, Ron.

[Sobs]
That was really something.

Okay, what do
we have for Chris?

I got this City of Pawnee mug.

Also, this cool jacket.

No, I think
that's Chris's jacket.

Okay, good,
then we know he likes it.

Catch up, Larry.

Okay, I found some old receipts

from lunches we had together.

Is that anything?

This is my contribution.

It says "Ron."

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Oh, we're just giving you
a bunch of cool gifts.

No, God--oh...God.

Get your hopes up, Chris.

Let's see what's in here.

Some assorted items.

And...some pieces of paper.

Boom, nailed it.
All right.

Now we can start
enjoying this party.

Leslie, this is the most
incredible event

that has ever been thrown.

There is a pilgrim line dancing
with a box of candies.

Why do you look so bummed out?

We were planning a surprise
groundbreaking

at Pawnee commons for you.

You know, an actual beginning

to the project
that brought us together.

But now we can't do it because
Harold is such a jerk face.

He put a barbed wire fence
around the lot

and now it's not happening.

I'm sorry, Ann.

First of all, don't apologize.

And second of all, screw Harold.

If I learned one thing
from Leslie Knope

it is we do not take "No"
for an answer.

Anything is possible
if we work hard enough.

- Let's do it.
- Oh, my God!

Ann Perkins to the rescue.

Okay, hands in, everybody.

One, two, three.

- Groundbreaking!
- Let's go!

Dark forces, arise!

Okay, I didn't plan
what we were all gonna say.

That's my bad.
Here we go, Ann. Let's go.

Okay, now to ring the bell.

Bust in unannounced.

Love it!

Harold.

What the hell, Knope?

We need the key to the fence

that you put up
on the Sullivan Street lot.

You snuck around
behind my back.

I told you I didn't like that.
Forget it.

Come on, Harold, look.

This is a great opportunity
you have right now.

Just think of us as your genies

who can give you
anything you want.

Nothing gross.

Okay, yeah,
there is something I want.

Super fizzy fruity pop.

Sorry?

Sweetums used to stock our
office with free sodas

as a promotional thing,
but that Kathryn Pinewood lady

just took 'em away.

If you can get us our free sodas
back, I'll get you a key.

- Deal.
- Easy.

It is not easy.

Kathryn Pinewood is the person
on earth who hates me the most.

Well, luckily,
you're with the person on earth

who loves you the most.

Too cheesy?
No, it's perfect.

I love you.
Don't leave.

Come on.

Donna, you are
a remarkable woman,

and I just wanted to say

that I've always
thought of you as family.

I just wanna say that I've
always thought you were hot.

Yes, I know.

April--

Yeah, you saw a lot of
potential in me,

I'm like a daughter to you,
and it was a treat

to watch me blossom.

Blah blah blah, bye.

That is remarkably close
to what I was going to say.

Also, I'm proud of you.

Donna,
are you grabbing my butt?

Can you blame me?

[Chuckles]
No!

Sorry, can't help you ladies.

I don't have time for disgraced
former politicians

and unmarried preggos.

Oh, Kathryn, always a delight.

Listen, I know
that you and Leslie

have had your disagreements
in the past,

but we really need the key,
and we can only get the key

if we get the sodas.
Please?

I don't see why I should do
you any favors.

I mean, if you were still
a city councilor, maybe.

But I seem to remember
you were recalled.

Is that right?

- How dare yo--
- Okay, Leslie.

Please.
It's not worth it.

For you.

For me, I don't care.

[Gasps] What the hell?

Yeah, Pinewood, that's right.

I'm pregnant
and I have you in a headlock.

And if you try to fight back,
I will sue you.

Unless you tell us how to get
those sodas right now.

Okay, fine.

Sweetums
has been desperately trying

to get a local
celebrity spokesman

to endorse
their new sports drink.

So if you can
make that happen somehow,

they'll give you
whatever you want.

Damn, Perkins.

Okay, who does Sweetums want
as their spokesperson?

They already tried to get me
to endorse that sports drink.

I said "No."

They want me dunking
on the label.

When is this town gonna realize

that I'm more than a former
high school basketball star?

I don't think this new sports
drink is even about basketball.

It's called
"Sweetums dunktastic

three-point B-ball blast"

the slogan is
"It's all about basketball."

I'm sorry, you're gonna
have to find yourself

some other famous pawneean.

[Both gasp]

We know that you were already
approached by Sweetums

and you said "No," but is there
any way you would reconsider?

I'm sorry, Miss Knope.

There is such a thing as
journalistic integrity,

and it is something that I have
as a journalist with integrity.

It's really important, Perd.

Please?
Come on.

For old time's sake.

Well, the story of that appeal

is it was heartfelt.

And in response to that appeal,
I respond: Okay.

For old time's sake?

Does that mea--no!

- Ann, you tricky minx.
- Yep.

- I went on a date with Perd.
- What?

It was during that
"explore my freedom

as a single woman" phase.

- Wow.
- We just had a drink.

And at the end he said,
"I am going to kiss you now

by putting my mouth
on your mouth."

And then I ran away.

It was absolutely
the right call.

Well, we could
just tell him the truth

that we feel bad that we didn't
get him anything nice.

[Chuckles] Tell the truth?

That's hilarious.
No.

We tell him
we had the perfect gift,

but we were robbed at gunpoint.

"Chris, he had a gun.

He took all the gifts."

Now Chris feels bad,
he's buying us gifts.

Next thing you know,
Tommy's got a new watch.

Again, I don't see the problem.

I shook the man's hand.
Twice.

Guys, look what I got at
the president's day booth.

Ask not what your country
can do for you.

[Laughs]

From Family Guy, right?

Listen, Chris, we have
to tell you something.

We feel bad because you got us
such thoughtful gifts

and we got you three pans
and a bag of nothing.

Guys, I don't need
anything from you.

My buddy boxes
are about the past,

but let's focus on the future.

Because we're always
gonna be friends.

And just the fact that you feel
bad about your bag of nothing

proves that.

To the future.

- Hear, hear.
- To the future.

- To the future.
- Cheers.

- I have an idea.
- Future.

Don't you ladies ever knock?

No.
Okay, so we got Perd Hapley

to sign on with Sweetums,

which means that
you get your sodas back,

which means that we get our key.

Okay? Everything's here
in writing.

Now call off your guards.

Okay.
Fine.

You two are a couple of real
pains in the ass.

You know that?

Harold, your tiny brain
could not understand this,

but that is the best compliment

you could ever give the two
women standing in front of you.

Bye, Harold.

Victory at last.
Whoo!

- All right.
- You're all set.

Okay, I am gonna call

the official ceremonial
ribbon cutting guy,

'cause I think
we may have missed him.

[Hisses]

What are you doing?

It's for the raccoons.

You have to hiss really loud

and stomp your feet
so they'll leave you alone.

And if one comes close,
make yourself really large

like a puffer fish.
[Hisses]

Pawnee raccoons.

That is one thing
I will not miss.

Well, Michigan has wolverines.

Maybe they'll eat your toes.

So how long do you think
you'll stay in Pawnee for?

I don't know.

We like it here.

I made Andy promise that someday
we'll move to Transylvania,

but that probably won't happen
till we're, like, 100.

Well, for what it's worth,

I'm really happy
that you and Andy are married.

Why?

Why?
Because I love him

and I love you.

Why wouldn't I be happy?

[Mumbles] I love you too.

What's that?

[Mumbles] I love you too.

I-I couldn't--I couldn't
quite hear you.

Please don't make me say it.
Please.

My going-away present to you

will be that I do not make you
audibly say that you love me.

Thank you.

- What's happening here?
- Okay, Leslie's coming back.

- Get off me, wench!
- Did I miss a nice moment?

- No.
- Yes, you did.

Oh, good.

Guys, what are you doing here?

Come in.

You caught me before
my first run of the day.

I call it my "beat the sun" run.

It's a race between me
and the sun.

Well, we got one more
gift for you.

It's quarter-sawn zebra wood
adjoined by floating tenons

to the black walnut
corner posts.

Finished with a wiping varnish

that's a secret
Swanson family recipe.

Handmade at my woodshop,
and you are correct.

It is gorgeous.

You're starting a new life
with your new family,

so it's an empty buddy box

to fill with memories
for your little buddy.

Or...twizzlers.

That's the beautiful thing
about a box.

We all burned
our initials in, see?

Wait a minute,
who's G-J-L-G-G?

That's Garry Jerry Larry
Gergich Gengurch.

I burned in all my names.

I really--I didn't
know what to do.

Well, um...
[Tears up]

Thank you.

Um, this tear, um,

caused by the overwhelming
thoughtfulness of my friends

will be my baby's first memory.

Salt water will warp the wood.

So keep your tears in your eyes
where they belong.

Will do, Ron Swanson.

Can I still call you

when I have thoughts
on Jennifer Aniston's future?

Not if I call you first.

And can we still
be on the phone

for every state
of the Union address

and every Oscar
red carpet coverage

and every single viewing
of Tootsie?

Of course.

Oh, Ann Perkins.

You perfect sunflower.

You totally changed me,
you know?

You taught me
how to balance my life,

- how to be patient.
- Mm...

- How to be more patient.
- Yeah, that's better.

How to throw bureaucratic
caution to the wind

when it came to Ben.

But most importantly,
you taught me

that I can't pull off
a tulip skirt.

It's just not your shape.

[Laughter]

Well, I don't think this
ceremonial ribbon cutting guy

is gonna make it.

Either he flaked or he tripped

and impaled himself
on his own giant scissors.

We wait for no man.

Let's do this.

Both: One, two, three!

[Squeals]

[Both cheer]

All right, I got my park.

That's all I wanted from you.

Friendship over.

[Laughter]

Don't even
joke about that, Ann.

It was your idea
to get me that box.

Ah, it was a group effort.

But it had that trademark

Ben Wyatt mix of thoughtful
and resourceful.

You are literally the best
friend that I will ever have.

You too, man.

Leslie Knope.

Chris Traeger.

I just wanna say
that getting to know you

and watching you work

has been one of the greatest
experiences

of my life--that and working
with Dr. Richard Nygard.

Sure, and I just
want you to know

that I thought
there was no man on earth

good enough for Ann Perkins.

- And I still think that.
- Right.

But if there is no one
actually good enough for her,

you are pretty damn close.

[Exhales]

Okay, well, this is normal.

No big deal.

- Drive safe.
- We will.

I packed you some sandwiches

and some caffeine free iced tea.

So--oh, and there's a mix CD
that I made

already loaded in your car.

There's a lot of
Sarah McLanahan,

so, Chris, I apologize.

Things are gonna get emotional.

[Chuckles]

I love you.

I love you too.

[Engine starts]

Breakfast, Knope?

Oh, I don't know.

Come on.

There has never been a sadness

that can't be cured
by breakfast food.

That's fair.

Someone else is gonna
have to drive though.

My eyes are basically
useless right now.

I'm on it.

Shotgun!
I called shotgun!

- You're all nailed.
- I call sitting on your lap.

You can't--I--double shotgun!

We call double shotgun!

How come people
don't do that more often?

It's illegal.

Raise you hand
if you want waffles.

I'm eating waffles.

Bacon and eggs,
please and thank you.

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