Original subtitles

Oh, yeah! 9-9.

Okay, next point wins. You're going down.

Whoa, Maya's eating a Popsicle.

What? Where?

Ho, ho, ho! Yeah!

Whee!

What'd you do that for?

I did it for my Mama...

and the good Lord.

Dennis!

What's wrong?

Not much,

except that according to my new heart monitor,

I'm clinically dead.

Well, let me be the first to say you were a great, great man...

and dibs on your wife.

What do you need that thing for anyway?

Dennis, my doctor says I need to eliminate stress.

So if anyone calls, take a message.

If the building is on fire, put it out.

Hey, Dad, guess what? Mom's on her way up.

I should've changed my name and identity

when I had the chance!

Dad!

Wait a minute, I might run into her.

The stairs!

No, she'll be expecting me to take the stairs.

Oh, she's diabolical!

Don't do this!

Don't run away!

I'm not running. I'm surviving.

Does the wildebeest hang out at the watering hole

just to chat with a surly panther?

Not in my Africa.

Oh, Eve! How good to see you.

Should've taken the stairs, Jack.

So, Eve, what brings you to New York?

Oh, just came to see Maya.

Speaking of women young enough to be your daughter,

how's your lovely wife?

I haven't seen Allie

since I used to pick her and Maya up from school.

Allie's fine, thank you.

Tell me, did she ever become a ballerina?

Since you brought up vast age differences,

how's Maury? Did the pig valve take?

Dad...

What, I can't make a Maury joke?

No, it was juvenile.

Allie would love it, once you explain it to her.

And I'll do that tonight,

right after I have the best sex of my life.

That sentence lasted longer than the best sex of your life.

That's it.

My office. Now.

Hey, Jack, I need your opinion.

Not now, Elliott.

Elliott?

The photographer Elliott?

I'm Eve, Maya's mother.

She's told me so much about you.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God.

You're right. He is cute.

Mom!

You said I'm cute.

Mom!

Eve, is that you?

Nina!

Eve Gallo. Is it still Gallo?

Well, of course. I've never felt the need to get remarried.

Besides, like you told me, what's the point

when you can live with a man on your ex-husband's dime.

I never said that. I think it's appalling.

Well, it's great to see you, Nina.

I can't believe how fantastic you look.

Me? It's like you found the fountain of youth.

Poor thing. The years have been cruel.

Father Time sure gave her a good spanking.

What makes it so impossible

for you two to be civil to each other

for even one lousy minute?

Maya, it's time we told you.

Your mother and I are divorced.

I'm serious.

I end up walking on eggshells

whenever you two are in the same time zone,

and I'm sick of it.

It's not that bad.

Yes, it is!

I end up bouncing back and forth between you

like some demented ping-pong ball.

No, you don't! No, you don't!

Oh, God, you are so alike.

Yeah. We both spend my money.

And we each took a bath with my sister,

only I was three at the time.

Will you just give it a rest?

If you don't, I'm not talking to either of you.

You can't do that.

You work for me.

Big deal. She can come work for me.

Oh, did you hear that, Maya?

You can be vice president of seducing cabana boys.

It is just so frustrating when-

you took a bath with Aunt Betty?

It's complicated.

It won't stay up.

Shoot.

Nina... Nina, you're tall.

Could you give us a hand?

Sure.

How's that?

Yeah, that's perfect.

What is this, a place of business

or the bouncy ball room at gymboree?

Who are you?

"Who are you?" is that how you greet people around here?

That's gonna change.

Who are you?

I'm Bill Slatton.

I'm the new guy.

Who ordered a new guy?

I did, but you're supposed to show up

at my friend Binnie's apartment

for her birthday party dressed as a gladiator.

Jack wants someone to come in here and crack the whip.

No. Again, that would be me.

Is that true? Is he bringing someone in?

Well, he's talked about it,

but he's also talked about spending a day on stilts.

Quite the acerbic wit, Mr. Finch.

You know my name?

I know all your names- Mr. DiMauro,

Miss Van Horn...

or should I say "Claire Noodleman"?

Aah!

Maya, what is it you want?

I would love, just once,

to sit down with both my parents and have a nice meal.

No way.

I'm willing.

You're just saying that

to make me look like the bad guy.

Well, it's not gonna work. I'm willing too.

Take that.

Yeah, that's the maturity I was looking for.

And not only that, I insist on paying.

No, no. I'll pay.

That's very generous of you, Eve,

but it's still my money,

and at least this way, I get the miles.

Look, I imagine we'll have

an awkward period of adjustment.

Not everyone will make the cut,

but those who do will be tougher, stronger,

and at their desks three hours earlier every morning.

What, you want me here at 9 a.m.?

What's the matter, people? Afraid of a little success?

No, we're just afraid of seeing Nina that early.

That's a good one.

You can use it to make the kiddies smile

when you're taking their pictures

down at Sears.

Yeah, well, we'll just see what Jack has to say about this.

Oh, hey, Bill, you're here.

Hey, Jack.

Finding everything all right?

We're getting there.

Hey, don't give this guy any trouble.

He's the best there is.

I guess I've got some work to do.

Yeah. Me too.

I guess I have to go buy an alarm clock.

So...8:00 then?

Great.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Me too. Let's just hope for smooth sailing.

Can't wait.

Smooth sailing. Oh, she's diabolical!

What?

What's going on?

I should've seen it

the moment she slithered off the elevator.

She's here for this!

The painting?

My favorite painting.

She fought me for it during the divorce.

But you got to keep it.

Only for 25 years,

then she takes possession.

Mom didn't come for the painting.

She came to see me.

Please, don't flatter yourself.

Dennis!

Yeah.

I want you to take this and hide it somewhere.

Put it somewhere where no one ever goes.

Gotcha. I'll put it in Maya's bedroom.

So, we're at the Knicks game,

the real Knicks-

Frazier, Bradley, Reed-

and they're playing the Celtics.

I'm three days from my due date.

Early in the third quarter, I start having contractions.

Every 24 seconds.

I know this because I'm using the shot clock to time them.

Why didn't you take her to the hospital?

Don't look at me. The Knicks were winning.

Oh, admit it.

The only reason you were there

was to see those guys in their short shorts.

Long, baggy trunks have ruined the sport.

Mom!

So finally we go to the hospital.

I'm in the delivery room. Your father's in the waiting room.

I'll tell you, that was the last great men's club.

He's in there smoking cigars, chugging brandy.

Doing all the things in the hospital

you can't even do in a bar anymore.

Then he gets smashed

and passes out on a gurney.

Two hours later, I wake up,

and I got the left side of my head shaved.

I don't know what they did to me,

but I can't taste sour anymore.

Oh, you guys.

See, I told you this would be fun.

Yeah, you were right.

I mean, who would've thought.

No arguing, no barks,

no need to hide paintings from each other.

Hey, we were friends once. Why not now?

Absolutely!

What painting?

Who wants dessert?

The boat painting?

You're hiding the boat painting from me?

Hey, let's get drunk.

You honestly think I'm so vindictive

as to come all the way to New York

just to take away your precious boat painting?

I'll get drunk, Dad.

I am so much bigger than that, Jack.

I've learned to forgive, to let go.

The Tibetans call it masra, inner peace.

Oh, I know you think I'm just a kook.

Well, let me tell you, I'm more than that.

I'm a kook with a painting of a boat,

and I'll be by tomorrow

to pick it up.

The Tibetans call that

"kiss my ass."

Maya, remember when your mother and I

were getting divorced,

and I sat you down

to make sure you understood that it wasn't your fault?

Yeah.

We won't be having that talk today.

Guess what I'm not doing right now.

I'm not reading my shipping report.

Why? Because some pissant

has fallen behind schedule.

Dude, you asked for them, like, five minutes ago.

I know what makes you tick, Dennis Finch.

You live in a world filled with fear.

Yeah, right.

And sometimes, late at night,

you look out into the darkness,

and you know just exactly what it feels like

to be dead.

You know what makes me tick, Bill?

A compulsive fear not to end up like your mother,

dumped for a younger woman,

growing old alone on a farm she never wanted,

waiting, waiting, waiting for time to run out?

Bill, they may be soft,

but I believe I answered your challenge.

I took your suggestions for last night's shoot,

and the results are fantastic.

Good work, Elliott.

Why are you smiling?

Because I'm glad you like the pictures.

Poor Elliott.

The second you receive a glimmer of approval,

you respond like a love-starved puppy,

but when you slink back into the darkroom,

the approval turns to terror.

Because you know you're one day closer

to being exposed as the fraud

your father always knew you were.

You don't know me.

You don't know me!

Problem, Miss Noodleman?

What's with the lock?

With that ghoul after my painting,

I can't be too careful.

Look, I'm sorry I let it slip,

but you had an agreement, and a deal's a deal.

Not when you invoke the law of the wild.

What wild?

Barry Wilde, my attorney. He'll know what to do.

Dad, stop it.

Why is this painting so important?

You wouldn't understand.

Try me.

When your mother and I were on our honeymoon,

the first morning, I woke up in a cold sweat,

and I couldn't breathe. I was having an anxiety attack.

Why?

Because money was tight,

and I didn't know how the hell

I was ever gonna support a family.

I had to get out of that room, so...

I went walking.

The next thing I know, I'm in a meadow,

and there's this guy painting.

The damnedest thing. He was painting boats...

in a meadow, so I asked him why.

And what did he say?

I'll never forget it.

He said, "Sometimes in life,

you've got to make your own oceans."

To this day, when I'm feeling overwhelmed,

I just look at this,

and the weight of the world disappears.

This painting gives me hope, Maya.

I didn't know.

I'll talk to Mom. I'll see what I can do.

Thanks, honey.

And I'm sorry again

for reminding her about the painting.

Oh, it's okay.

I'm just glad you didn't bring up the beach house.

What beach house?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I read your shipping report.

Tell me, you think it was your best work?

Yeah.

I'd say no.

I'd say it's riddled with mistakes...

and decidedly subpar.

It's your pathetic little life, Finch.

What do you intend to do about it?

Start wearing a helmet.

All right, Bill, that's it.

This has to stop.

We're professionals, and we treat each other

with consideration and respect.

Finch, how would you like to become the new photographer?

Let's do it!

Finch!

Forget about them.

Why can't I land you, Bill?

You want to know why? Because you're lazy.

You don't follow through.

You all talk a good game,

but you don't keep your eye on the ball.

You're lucky to even have jobs.

In fact, you don't have jobs.

You're all fired.

What? You can't do that.

My God, I'm fired?

Hey, Bill, back so soon?

I thought you took the tour yesterday.

Tour?

Okay, back to work.

He wanted to see how a magazine runs.

Chop-chop.

Jack, how do you know, Bill?

He's my caddie at the club.

You mean, he's just a golf caddie?

No way. He also details cars.

A caddie, huh?

Look, out on the course,

Jack doesn't know what he needs

until I tell him.

So you faked your way in here

hoping he'd hire you.

It's called initiative, DiMauro. Look it up.

I'll show you initiative. Finch, call security.

Right.

Is that okay with you, Bill?

No need, losers. I'll go peacefully.

I may not have a job at a fancy magazine like you,

but I got something you will never have.

Dignity.

Oh, by the way, if you ever need golf lessons,

I go by the name of Dr. Putts.

Maya?

Oh, hi, Mom.

I was on my way to get that painting from your father,

and the odd little blond man

said you wanted to see me.

Yeah. Uh, quick question.

What if you let Dad keep the painting?

Oh, great. You're on his side.

No, I'm not on anyone's side.

He just loves that painting.

It means a lot to him.

It means a lot to me too.

Why?

Oh, Maya.

When you were a baby, I used to rock you to sleep

in a chair that faced that painting.

I'd tell you stories

about all the places you'd go to

and all the adventures you'd have.

I always wondered if you knew what I was saying,

and then one day, months and months later,

you looked up at me and said your very first word.

Boat.

If I can take back that painting,

it'll be like taking home a part of you.

Or you could always come move in with me.

I'll go talk to Dad.

Hey, Maya,

you know that guy who was bossing us around?

It turns out that he's Jack's cad-

I'll tell you later.

What are you doing?

I'm taking this painting home.

No, you're not. I'm giving it to Mom.

What do you mean? We agreed I'm keeping it.

Yeah, well, she's got a story too.

Oh, she's diabolical.

She's not diabolical.

She's entitled to that painting.

She wants it, and she's going to get it.

So you're on her side.

I'm not on anybody's side.

Okay, if she can look you in the eye

and say she's not trying to punish me,

I'll let her have the damn painting.

I'm glad I wasn't around

when you guys were dividing up your albums.

Oh, yeah!

Where's my Herb Alpert with the whipped cream?

Ask her that!

Oh, just when I thought I was out,

they pull me back in!

Are you taking this painting just to punish Dad?

So he gave you some song and dance

about what that painting means to him?

Don't believe a word he says, Maya.

He's a salesman.

You tell him I'm not buying.

Why do I have to tell him?

Here.

I was being stubborn.

Eve, we had a deal, and I will honor that deal.

Thanks, Jack.

Oh, don't do that.

Save it till you get back home to Palm Springs.

It's specially wrapped for travel.

Excuse me.

Oh, you know, Jack Gallo,

you can't run from me!

Ha! Watch me!

You want to act like this? Fine!

Hey, Maya! Let us out!

Maya, this is your mother!

Open the door!

Who the hell else would it be?

Not until you learn

to be in the same room without arguing!

You haven't changed at all, Jack.

Think that's gonna help?

Couldn't hurt.

Maya, why are you making yourself nuts over this?

Because they're my parents,

and I don't want to see them fight.

Oh, so you got 'em all riled up,

and you locked them in a room together.

Good plan.

Well, I had to try something.

Why?

Because they're my parents,

and I don't want to see them fight.

You already said that.

Because that could be me.

Because I've never had a decent relationship,

and I wonder if that's why.

They're my role models in there.

Am I doomed to a life of slamming doors

and hiding paintings?

That's not gonna happen to you.

How do you know?

Because you're sitting here worrying about it.

Because you've seen how not to do it.

Because I know you. You're not them.

How do you really know?

Oh, for God sakes, I don't know. I mean, look at me.

My longest relationship was six weeks.

That's because I was alternating between twins.

I'm gonna forget that last part.

I'm not.

Hey, wait a minute.

They've stopped arguing.

Maybe it worked.

Either that,

or they've killed each other.

What the hell are you doing?

We couldn't help ourselves.

There's a thin line

between hate and unspeakable passion.

Well, stop it!

You're married, for God sakes...

and he's married, for God sakes.

That's it!

I don't want you two in the same room,

in the same city, in the same state!

Ugh! My parents, kissing.

It's gross.

I told you that would get her

off our backs.

Thanks for the painting.

Thanks for the beach house.

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ 'Cause It's got a mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪♪

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