Original subtitles

Up, periscope.

Look at those perfect legs.

Torpedo locked on target.

That tiny waist...

Das bootie.

Don't you two ever get bored with this?

What?

Drooling over some model

like a couple of dogs in heat.

Sending the message to all women

that if you're not impossibly perfect,

you just don't count.

How about admiring a woman

for her intelligence or character?

Cute tush. Nice rack.

Too late.

Okay. Any other business?

Well, Elliott and I had a little setback

with the "beauty and the older woman" shoot.

I had to fire the model, Jack.

Why?

She had a wrinkle.

Poor thing never saw it coming.

Wait. I have something to say.

Thanks for the warning.

Taxi!

I've been thinking that Blush magazine-

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Kit the intern's in town,

and it's coffees all around.

Let's see. One for DJ Finchy Finch.

Five-star General Jack, sir!

Lovely Maya, meter maid.

Thumbelina Nina.

Elliott.

Hey, what gives? What?

Where's my nickname?

Uh, how about Major Bald Spot?

Okay!

Um, hold on. I have a proposal.

I've been working with this charity

that helps teach inner-city kids to read,

called the Gavalon Foundation,

and tomorrow night,

we're collecting book donations,

and I thought Blush could help out.

You know, become involved in a charity...

Well, don't look at me.

I spent the last four weekends

giving back to the community.

That was court-ordered, Nina.

Finch?

Uh, I just gave blood.

Where?

Okay, sperm.

And you?

What? I give.

I just gave you two minutes of my staff meeting.

Okay, so this is it?

This is what the spirit of giving means

to all of you? Elliott?

I'm a generous lover.

You said when I came to this magazine

that you wanted me to make a difference.

And you have.

You've made these meetings much longer.

Then it's settled.

Fine.

We'll just let Cosmo and Vogue

do all the charity work.

Come again?

That's right. Cosmo and Vogue.

They know good PR when they smell it.

Why, those little weasels... We'll show them.

Maya, what do we do?

Well, let's see.

There's the book drive,

and we need volunteers for storytelling hour-

Hey, terrific. We'll all be there.

Right. Up here, dude.

I thought you were kidding.

Hello, huddled masses.

I'm here to help.

Ah. So don't I get some sort of commemorative cap?

Nina, the foundation needs books,

not your old clothes.

Well, I know, but last night I was poking around

for my books,

and it struck me- I don't have any.

You don't have a single book?

Oh, just the hollowed-out almanac

from my trip to Colombia.

Well...here's Cinderella.

You could read it to the kids.

But I don't like children.

Pretend they're puppies.

You're not helping.

Come on. Admit it, guys.

This feels good.

Yeah. We've captured all the fun of moving

without getting that pesky new apartment.

Elliott, sort these, will you?

Sure.

Aw, The Giving Tree.

Nothing a kid likes better than a story about lumber.

You should read that.

It's actually a very touching book.

Oh, no, thanks.

I think I'll stick with Little Jenny has Two Moms.

"But, fairy godmother, my dress is ruined.

"I have nothing to wear to the ball.

"So the fairy godmother waved her magic wand,

"and suddenly,

"Cinderella's tattered dress was covered in golden sequins,

and her feet were adorned with shiny glass slippers."

Sequins? Glass slippers?

God, I hope the prince likes drag queens.

You know, Finch,

I still haven't seen my father.

You know, he was just looking for you.

Oh, yeah? Where?

Over there.

And he was all, "Where's Maya?"

and I'm all, "Oh, she's looking for you, too."

And he's all, "Oh, I'm really bummed,

because I'm really psyched up about all this charity crap."

Finch.

He's at a party on the Armani yacht.

You're kidding.

I can't believe he blew this off.

I can't believe I didn't.

"The clock struck 12:00, and to Cinderella's horror,

the carriage was once again nothing but a pumpkin."

Well, big deal.

Boys, cover your ears.

Girls, getting a ride home from a party is never a problem.

Well, guess what.

My father's a no-show,

just like my sweet 16

and my high school graduation.

The giving tree gave the little boy

all its fruit and its branches,

and now it's just a stump, and it still wants to give.

Elliott, are you okay?

I'm sorry I made fun of this book before.

I was just trying to be cool.

Maybe you should go home.

No. I want to help.

Furthermore, men can be big, fat fibbers.

So, take it from me,

before you go off with a man who claims to be a prince,

make sure his country is on a map.

Yes, little boy.

You have a question for Auntie Nina?

Well, come, come. Don't be shy.

I see your underpants.

170 yards.

Ha!

Maya, you'll never in a million years

guess what this is.

A high-tech golf club that measures your shot

based on the speed and angle of your swing?

Yeah, more or less.

You know, I was really counting on you last night.

214 yards.

I am on fire.

Here. Try it.

Now I'm broken.

Dad, last night you disappointed me.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Tell you what, let me try it again tonight.

I'll answer phones, I'll mop the floor,

dig a well, whatever you want.

Really?

Dennis?

Yeah.

Call my wife and tell her to find my overalls,

because tonight is about helping and giving

and doing the right thing.

Tonight's your poker game at Marty's.

Thank you.

Can I do the right thing tomorrow?

You know, just once I would love to see you

actually live up to your promises,

to put your money where your mouth is.

Uh, okay. Fair enough.

I'm a man of my word. I said I'd help,

and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Give this to the kids.

What is it?

$50,000.

Is this some kind of a joke?

No. It's to restore the peace.

Now run along and give it to the Babylon Foundation.

Gavalon.

Exactly.

Y- you're just going to give them $50,000?

Well, I'll need a receipt.

Well, look, if you think this makes up for-

Wow. They're gonna be so happy.

But I am still mad.

Thank you.

Suddenly I have a really bad headache.

Go have a little lie-down.

Wait, Dad.

You can't just get your way by throwing money around.

Pumpkin, how do you think you got into Stanford?

Hard work and good grades.

Okay.

All I'm asking for is a bus twice a week

to help the kids get to their tutoring sessions.

Well, sure, I could find a volunteer driver.

You. This is your fault.

I'll call you back.

What? What's the matter?

The clothes I gave?

I accidentally donated my genuine zebra skin dress.

It was one-of-a-kind.

I had it custom-made for Earth Day.

Okay, calm down. We'll find it.

What does it look like?

Like a black and white horse, you idiot.

Mail call.

And in this corner, wearing the tan top,

it's Iron Maya Gallo.

Nina "Couldn't Be Meaner" Van Horn.

Dennis "The Menace" Finch.

Elliott.

Why the hell won't that guy give me a nickname?

How should I know?

All right. You dragged it out of me.

Dragged what?

Elliott, you creep people out.

I do not.

You've hung on artsy and aloof people for so long,

you've forgotten how to relate

to Jimmy Crackcorn over there from Lunchmeat, Kansas.

I do not freak people out.

Face it. You look like Slingblade in a turtleneck.

Oh, please. Yeah, you do.

Come on, please.

Yeah, you do. Shh. You do.

You got to learn to look people in the eye.

Give 'em a smile.

Hey, Colonel Kit, what's the news?

I'm creepy?

Like a back rub from Grandma.

Maya.

Oh, Robert. What a surprise.

I just had to stop by and thank you for the big check

and for getting Blush into the charity business.

You're our guardian ángel, our beacon of hope.

Oh, stop.

Go on.

Wow.

The fashion world.

I mean, this is where it all happens.

The models, the clothes, the glamour.

Oh, it's pretty tame, really.

It's just an office, a bunch of people,

and one guardian ángel.

I want my dress back, you evil bloodsucker.

What?

Oh, that's just our silly fashion talk.

Oh, how fun.

Um, you can have it Thursday, you nasty bitch.

I'm Elliott.

It's truly delightful to meet you.

Why, thank you, Elliott.

The pleasure is mine.

How wonderful that you hire the challenged.

Maya, I came with some big news.

As I mentioned, we're all very grateful

for the work that you've done.

Oh, it's fulfilling to-

So, you remember that it's time

for our Humanitarian of the Year award.

Yes, I remember.

All I'm saying is, don't make any plans for this Friday.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dad.

Dad, come over here.

Come meet Robert. This is Robert from the foundation,

and he has big news.

Jack Gallo.

I was just telling your daughter to circle her calendar.

Because... Because you, Jack Gallo,

are our Humanitarian of the Year.

Hey. Right back at ya.

Jack Gallo for Donald Trump.

I don't care if he's in a meeting.

This is urgent.

Donald. Jack.

I'm the Humanitarian of the Year,

so you can kiss my ass.

Come on. The foundation people are waiting.

For what?

I told you, the photo shoot for their newsletter.

These charity people- you give and you give,

and all they want is more.

Okay, let's do it.

All right, Mr. Gallo.

We're all set up for you. Right over here.

Here he is, our patron saint.

All right. Who's got the big check?

It's right here.

Just be careful. It might still be wet.

Okay, this one's for the kids.

Three cheers for the Guggenheim Foundation.

Gavalon.

Right.

Very nice. Just like that.

Uh, Miss Smith, whenever you're ready.

Excuse me.

Hi, Amber.

Hi, Jack.

I didn't know you were going to be here.

Well, when I found out this was your pet project,

how could I say no?

Hey, a kid's not a kid unless he's got a bike.

Actually, it's a literacy program

that helps teach inner-

Great. Good. Whatever.

Uh, could somebody move her out of the way?

Uh, Maya, don't think that you've been forgotten.

We'd like you to introduce your father at the banquet.

Oh, gosh. Couldn't we just release some doves?

Just a few words

about Jack's passionate concern for the children.

Passionate concern.

Hey. This one's for Trump.

Hey, Princess.

The Times is doing a story on your dad's award.

They want to call you for a quote.

Okay. How about this for my introduction?

"Every once in a while, a man looks at the world,

steps forward, and says, "Hey, who wants my crumbs?"

That's not bad. How about,

"It's touching to see what Jack means to all of you,

because you certainly don't mean jack to him."

Okay. That's good.

Come here.

Oh...

Look, don't forget why you got involved with those kids

in the first place.

You're right.

We all know who's doing the real work around here.

Thanks.

And in the end, the love you take

is equal to the love you make.

Why did you come in here?

I had to hug you in this sweater.

Oh.

Hey, Kit-Kat, how hangs it?

Fine.

Stop!

I have to know something.

Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you.

Then why won't you give me a nickname like everyone else?

Because you're my hero.

Yeah, well-what?

I look around here all day, and all I see

are these mindless fashion drones, but you...

you're an artist.

I've studied your work.

Your lighting, your composition,

it's perfect.

Who-who am I to give you a nickname?

Wow.

Hey, I'm, um, touched, really.

But you know what?

I'm just a normal, friendly, salt-of-the-earth guy.

I've read The Giving Tree. So...

Come on. Give me a nickname.

No. I couldn't.

No, no. Yeah, you could. Come on.

I'd be honored.

Um...

Okay, okay.

How about, uh...

Clicky? Clicky?

Yeah. Sure. What's the haps, Clicky?

I don't like Clicky.

Let's go hit the bars, Clicky.

No. Stop calling me that.

How about Lens Cap?

Nah. I don't like that either.

Sparky? No.

Flash? Freeze frame?

No. Tell you what. Just call me Elliott.

I got it. I got it.

Kodachromey-homey.

No.

Moose? No.

Bambi? No.

Chicken pot pie?

Get away from me.

And in the end, the love you take

is equal to the love you make.

Come here.

Elliott, look. No. Don't look.

My dress.

That jackal's got my zebra.

Stop it. How do you know it's yours?

What, you don't think a mother knows her child?

Forget it. Here's the plan.

I stroll over, nod hello,

then nonchalantly drag her into the coatroom

where you're waiting

with a stun gun and a handful of sedatives.

Don't worry. It's all in there.

I'll tell you what. Let's call that the backup plan.

Yeah, but I want my dress now.

Oh, relax. I'll handle this.

Okay. But at least take the handcuffs.

Dad, where have you been?

You're an hour late.

Well, don't blame me. Jimmy Caan putts like a nun.

Well, what about my dress?

I'll have it for you in the morning.

Hello again, friends of the Gavalon Foundation.

I hope you enjoyed the fish.

Well, without further ado,

I give you the daughter of our award recipient,

Maya Gallo.

My father is a remarkable man.

While one person

may dedicate a lifetime to a particular cause,

another can sweep in and make a tremendous difference

with the mere stroke of a pen.

And who's to say which contribution is more valuable?

Well, apparently, you.

So here he is, our Humanitarian of the Year,

Jack Gallo.

I am so proud to be a part of the Hopalong Foundation.

I wish my wife could be here tonight,

but she's at home reading to our child.

Why?

Because the kid can't read a word.

Of course, she's only six months old.

Yes.

Me? I learned to read when I was five,

and I've been reading ever since,

except when I'm on vacation.

That's my time, and I make no apologies for that.

And so, in conclusion...

Learn...

Love...

Read.

Now, folks, our next item of business

you won't find on the program.

It's a special one-time award

that's given to someone very deserving.

Maya, if you'd help us out one more time...

Me?

It was Maya Gallo here who got the fashion world

involved in our little charity, and without her,

we wouldn't have the support of supermodel Amber Smith...

Who flew all the way here from a photo shoot in Jamaica

just to be with us.

Now, I call that giving.

So...without further ado...

we'd like to present-

Amber Smith.

You're going to give Amber Smith an award?

That's it. I've had it.

You people are all whores.

You just toss trophies at anyone worth sucking up to

while the real heroes get nothing.

Heroes like me. That's right, me.

Uh, Maya-

Oh, shut up, you little lapdog.

Well, folks, I've learned my lesson.

I've had it with helping others.

From now on, Maya takes care of Maya.

It's all about me, me, me, me,

and the rest of you can all just go to hell.

There are so many people I'd like to thank.

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪

♪ Keeps bringing me home ♪

♪ It don't matter what I want To do 'cause ♪

♪ It's got a mind of its own ♪

♪ Life keeps bringing me Back to you ♪♪

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