Original subtitles

Yup.

Yes.

Yup.

Definitely.

Yup.

That is affirmative.

Finch, the copier's broken again.

Maybe that black cloud over your head

shorted it out.

Yes!

Yup.

What are you guys doing?

We're deciding which of these women

we'd like to sleep with.

Really?

I thought we were saying

which women we'd already slept with.

I don't want to play anymore.

[o/~]

Hey. Look what I just got.

MAYA: Oh, no, not another gadget.

It's a laser pointer.

Now if I need to indicate something,

I just point at it like this.

Wow! It's just like a finger, only $200 more.

Yeah.

Hello, all. Guess what today is.

Uh...

wear-your-underwear on-the-outside day.

Oh, look who had cereal with sugar.

Today is my birthday.

Oh, well, oh. Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

Thank you, thank you, and before I forget,

I have to leave early tonight.

Marvin's taking me out to the theater

and then dancing at the Rainbow Room.

Wow. Marvin's still around?

Yeah. We've been together almost six months.

No, I mean, he's still breathing?

How old is that guy?

300 million.

Oh, sorry, that's his net worth.

I always get them confused.

Hey, look, if you want to go out with a man in his 60s--

Watch it.

Then there's no sexier man than this guy right here.

Sorry, ladies. He's taken.

All right, people, let's get started.

Who's got story ideas...

besides "Topless Women of the Riviera"?

I've got some.

Okay, the young lady

with the red dot on her blouse.

What about how men in power

have used fashion to subjugate women?

Do you know

that Louis XIV invented the high-heel shoe

so that...

What are you doing?

I'm miming our readers

hanging themselves out of boredom.

You know, let's ask someone

who has more than a five-second attention span.

Elliott, what did you think?

Huh?

Maya, I think what the gang is trying to say

is that if you were a musical instrument,

you'd be the snooze-o-lin.

Yeah!

Any takers? Guess not.

Okay. What else you got?

Okay, here. This is great.

To commemorate the 40th anniversary

of Jack Kerouac's publication of On the Road,

I thought we could trace the impact

of the beat movement on modern fashions...

What?

Oh, now I'm so bored,

I'm electrocuting myself.

Flowers for Nina Van Horn.

Oh, that's me. Thank you.

Oh, I'll bet they're from Marvin.

Oh, no.

He has to close a deal in London

and he won't be home until eleven.

This is terrible.

What am I going to do until then?

Well, you could hop on your broomstick

and meet him halfway.

Wow.

Kind of chilly.

What? That was funny.

She started it.

Okay, then. Meeting's over.

Uh, Maya, can I see you in my office?

Ooh...

Maya...

this thing between you and Nina,

it's got to stop.

Hey, she is the one attacking me,

and it's been like this since day one.

That's Nina. I expect more from you.

Yeah, but did you see how--

Let me tell you a little story.

When I was at the Times,

there was this jerk

who hated me for no reason at all.

No, wait.

I may have slept with his girlfriend.

Anyway,

he used to take potshots at me at the editorial meetings.

Did I fire back?

No, you charmed him onto your side.

Right,

and soon he became my biggest supporter.

He even lent me five grand

to start this magazine.

And the very day I was supposed to pay him back,

you know what happened?

He dropped dead.

Pure profit, Maya.

That's a beautiful story.

My point is,

you need to be diplomatic.

You have a tendency to lash out

at the slightest hint of criticism.

Ha!

Oh, you are so full of--

wisdom.

Go on.

Maya, you're so talented,

and yet you've been fired

from every job you've ever had.

Why? Your temper.

Well, I guess I have a lot of anger.

Maybe it's from my childhood.

Don't blame me.

Your mother raised you.

Look,

just be nice to Nina.

Win her over.

Use some of that old Gallo charm.

Okay. Fine.

Great.

You can start

by throwing her a birthday party.

Oh. Big step.

Can't I just start by throwing her

from a train, out of a building,

something of that sort?

Maya, this is important.

You have all the editorial skills

to run this magazine.

You just need the people skills.

Okay, okay.

I'll throw her a party.

I'll even be charming.

Attagirl.

People skills.

That's what it's all about.

Ha! Look at that hot dog vendor.

He keeps swatting at nothing.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[STAMPING]

Yup.

All right, I get it.

Look, we all know

the only reason you get girls

is because you're a big photographer.

Oh, yeah,

if that helps you sleep at night.

Then what is it?

Your uncanny resemblance

to an aging Charlie Brown?

Believe me,

I don't need this job to get women.

Would you care to make

a little wager on that, Chuck?

Oh. You don't want to go there.

Here's the deal.

I pick a new career for you,

I pick the woman.

I got 1,000 bucks

that says you end up solo pilot

on a one-way flight to Spankytown.

You're on.

You know, I'm gonna love this.

I get a date and all your money.

Everybody wins.

I mean, except you.

Hi, Nina.

Oh, you caught me.

I was just about to indulge myself

with a little ice cream

on my birthday.

Oh. So good.

Next year, chocolate.

Listen, if it's okay with you,

I would really love

to throw you a birthday party.

Really?

Well, that might kill some time until Marvin's jet arrives.

Um, I was thinking Hanrahan's might be fun.

Oh, uh-huh.

Kind of like the way pinkeye might be fun.

Or we could go to the Boxcar.

Oh, that place that all the hobos live in?

Or I could give it a little more thought.

Or any thought.

Okay, well,

I'll see you tonight, then.

Oh, you're going to be there?

I thought you had a pottery class tonight.

Uh, I don't take pottery.

Really? Huh.

I just assumed from your nails.

NINA: Hi.

Hi.

Oh, welcome, my dear, dear friends.

Though your names elude me,

your presence is no less important.

Aha. Good. You're here.

Well, I hope you got your money,

because I got the honey.

Are you sure you can afford to lose

this kind of cash?

Because 1000 bucks

could get you a lot of horsey rides

outside the drug store.

That's tough talk,

coming from a guy in your position.

Oh, yeah? What do you mean?

I mean, for the rest of the night,

you, my friend,

are the shampoo boy at Supercuts.

"Shampoo boys do it once,

then repeat."

Ouch.

You're going down.

Aah!

Ooh.

[RINGING]

Hello?

Hey, Wally. You beeped.

Yeah. Stacy called and canceled our date.

She said she wants to see another guy.

Oh, I'm sorry. Who?

Oh, she hasn't decided yet.

Listen, I'm just gonna have one drink

and get the hell out of here.

Do you want to go out later, have some beers, play some pool?

Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.

Where are you?

El Mariachi.

My father made me throw Nina Van Horn a party.

Nina Van Horn? The supermodel?

That's the Nina you've been bitching about?

Oh, God.

In junior high,

I stared at her swimsuit poster every night.

Sometimes twice a night.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I buy you a drink?

I already have one.

Can I have a sip?

Maybe after I've gone.

If you don't mind me saying,

I think you have beautiful hair...

Thanks.

and believe me, in my line of work,

I see a lot of beautiful women.

Hey, Mac. I couldn't help but overhear.

I'd love to work with a lot of beautiful women.

What do you do, sir, and where do you do it?

I'm the shampoo boy at Supercuts.

Ooh.

No way!

This is so weird!

I'm a hair sweeper

at Clipper Doodle-Doo's!

No way. No way.

Hey, there's this little party here,

and I'm... you know,

why don't you join us?

And then afterwards, I would just...

I would just...

love to wash your hair.

Okay, but one condition...

Get it?

Oh! We'll get that later.

Will you pick that up, sir?

Ah, the birthday girl.

Oh, Jack.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Anyway, let's celebrate.

Oh, Nina,

you sit over here

by Maya.

Okay. Everyone have a glass?

I want to make a toast.

Excuse me, everybody,

the man said he'd like to make a toast,

so shut your little pieholes and listen up.

Go ahead, Jack.

Thank you.

Uh, first of all,

I'd like to wish Nina a happy birthday.

Nina, over the years,

I've come to love you

like a wife who never divorced me.

[FINCH LAUGHS]

Yeah, a good one.

I'd also like to say to all of you

how much I cherish occasions like these

where I get to celebrate

your personal milestones

and spend some time with my second family.

I wouldn't trade these moments for the world.

Oh, Jack...

Okay. Got to go.

Okay. See you later.

FINCH: See you, Nina.

KIRSTEN: Nice meeting you. You too.

Well...

looks like it's just us prairie dogs.

Woof!

[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING]

o/~ Now wa-a-a-a-ait a minute

o/~ You know You've been so good to me

o/~ I said You've been so good to me

o/~ You know you make me wanna

What are you doing?

That's your cue.

o/~ You know you make me wanna

Not gonna happen.

Oh, Maya, it's my birthday.

Now, come on up here and help me sing.

As I mentioned during "Ebony and Ivory,"

I'd really rather not.

Oh, come on.

If you sing with me,

then tomorrow I'll say yes

to all your silly, little story ideas.

Hit it.

o/~ You know you make me want to Shout

o/~ Throw your hands up and Shout

o/~ Kick your legs out and Shout

o/~ A little bit softer now Shout

o/~ A little bit softer now

o/~ Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey...

Hey, hey, where are you going?

God, who do you have to kill to get a drink around here?

I have an idea.

Oh.

[RINGS]

Hello, and welcome to WallyPhone.

If you're Maya and you have a good excuse

for blowing me off,

press 1.

If you have no excuse at all, press 2.

Wally, I'm sorry.

For a list of excuses available in your area,

press 3.

Wally, please forgive me.

You have selected "begging for mercy."

Wally, please don't hate me.

I have just had the worst night of my life.

I tried to be nice to Nina,

but it is impossible to like her.

There is nothing to like.

Hmm. You're still here.

Marvin just beeped me.

Yay.

I swear.

I swear I will make this up to you.

Oh, don't worry about it.

You're the second girl to dump me today,

but the record still stands at four.

I'm going to sleep.

Don't go to sleep.

I promised I'd cheer you up,

and I will.

Hi, Marvin. It's me.

Oh, I am not

the most beautiful woman in the world.

Oh, yeah.

I know, honey,

and I can't wait to see you, either.

Mm-hmm. Until then. Bye-bye.

Wally, got to go.

Uh, is everything okay with Marvin?

Shame on you for eavesdropping,

but, yes, everything is wonderful.

Are you sure there's nothing you want to talk about?

Why? Why...

Why would there be anything to talk about?

Because that phone's out of order.

Um...

no, it isn't.

Look.

I used that phone. You used this phone.

Whoa, no more tequila for you.

Nina, what's going on?

If you must know,

Marvin and I broke up two weeks ago.

Happy?

Oh...

I'm sorry.

Actually,

he traded me in for a newer model.

Literally.

She's 22.

You know, so what?

Nina, you're still young.

Oh, yeah. Maybe for a senator.

A model's over the hill at 28,

so what does that make me?

A legend?

No. No.

Invisible.

20 years ago,

I couldn't walk into a restaurant

without every man in the room wanting me,

but now...

the only way I can get a reaction

is by dressing like an extra from Shogun.

Nina, I think I know what you're going through--

No, no.

No, no, you don't.

You have no idea how lucky you are.

God, you're so full of passion and ideas.

Your best days are still ahead of you.

You want to see my best days,

go dig up a 20-year-old Cosmo.

Listen, you've been, uh...

you've been really, really nice tonight,

and you don't have to stick around anymore.

You know,

I was just gonna go rent an old movie.

Uh, not old. New. New. A new movie.

You want to come with me?

Sure. I'd...

I'd really like to watch a movie with you.

Wait, um...

now that we're friends,

just let me go in and erase your name

from the men's room wall.

Whoa, back up.

You lived with Andy Warhol?

Well...

Not exactly with him.

I spent three days

chained to his radiator.

Performance art, my foot.

Anyway,

let's talk about you for a change.

I want you to tell me something you've never told anyone before.

Your deepest secret.

Well,

ever since I was 3, I wanted to be a Rockette,

but I was never tall enough,

so I used to--

and this is funny--

I used to try and stretch myself

and attach encyclopedias to my feet and then...

and hang from this curtain rod...

[SNORING]

Maya...

Maya, Maya.

Um, Wally, I know. I know.

Thank you so much for last night.

Okay, I get it. I'm sorry.

I'm a terrible person.

Are you kidding?

That was the nicest thing

anybody has ever done for me.

What are you talking about?

God, I'm so hungry

I could eat an entire sandwich.

Hi, Maya.

Nina!

Did you and she...

Yeah, and it's so much better when she's there in person.

You owe me 1000 bucks.

Because you picked up a hair sweeper

on a complete fluke?

Forget it.

Hey, you chose her. Now, pay up.

Listen...

this isn't easy for me to say.

I like to keep my personal life private,

but, uh... I can't pay you.

I'm broke

because I have to care for an aging parent.

No, you don't.

Okay, I live in a really cool apartment.

Look, since you're a friend,

I think we can work something out.

That is,

if you're willing to humiliate yourself.

I work here, don't I?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

What...

Wait a second,

how about double or nothing?

Any time, any place.

Right now.

That tall, cool drink of water

that just walked in.

Okay.

What's my occupation?

You are...

the President of the United States.

Come on,

that's just gonna make me sound crazy.

Gee. You think?

Hi, excuse me.

I was standing over there,

and I couldn't help but notice how beautiful you are.

Tell her what you do.

Tell her what you do.

I'm the President of the United States.

Anglais, little speak.

No...

Café?

Oh, café. Oui.

Heh heh heh heh.

Where the hell is Nina?

She left me a voice mail

that she had to go to the dentist,

so we should give her a few minutes.

Hey, Jack,

can I play with your laser pointer?

Can't. I traded it in for this hi-tech whistle

that only birds can hear.

[HISSING]

I don't know.

I guess I'm just a sucker for nature.

[LOUD THUMP]

All right. Let's start without her.

Elliott, what is the status--

Good morning.

Uh, don't worry,

I told them about the dentist.

Huh! What dentist?

I was having sex with a man practically half my age,

and you know who I have to thank?

The man who invented chloroform?

No. Maya.

I said "people skills," not "pimping skills..."

but if everybody's happy...

Hey, before we get started,

I just want to thank everyone

for helping me celebrate my birthday,

especially Maya.

I'll never forget it.

Very nice.

Who wants to lead off?

I will.

I'd like to repitch my idea

about how men throughout history

have used fashion to subjugate women.

See? Nina loves it.

Here you are, sir.

Nice, hot coffee,

and to go with it, a special treat.

I am

your sweet-loving lap daddy,

and I do as I am told.

[o/~]

o/~ Life keeps bringing me Back to you

o/~ Keeps bringing me home

o/~ It don't matter What I want to do

o/~ 'Cause it's got A mind of its own

o/~ Life keeps bringing me Back to you

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