Original subtitles

Stephanie? How's my favorite boss?

Oh, look who finally decided to join us.

For most of us, 11:00 is 11:00.

But in Jennifer land, I guess clocks have no meaning.

You know what? I deserve that.

And I'm really sorry.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just in a really good mood, little sis.

Wayne? Jennifer's happy!

Wow, look at you.

Your frown lines are gone.

You either got Botox or you got a little something-something.

And I know you can't afford Botox.

You know what's even better than sex?

- Yeah? - Making breakfast

for Adam and Gretchen afterwards.

Yeah, you lost me.

I mean, we have been spending, like,

three nights a week over there.

It's almost like we're a family,

- except everyone is happy. - Great.

Now you're gonna go and get married,

and then when I say "let's hang out,"

you'll say, "no, I think we're just gonna stay in

and watch a movie."

And I'll get insecure and clingy,

and you'll get angry and push me away.

And at some point I'll get drunk and show up anyway

with that key you didn't know I made.

- Dina, listen... - And then I end up

on top of your car in sweatpants and a bra,

swinging a tire iron. Is that what you want, Jennifer?

Dina, no matter what happens,

I promise you will always be a part of my life.

Even if you end up being the crazy aunt

who lives in the tool shed.

Really? There'll be a place for me?

Always.

In the tool shed.

You know I love tools.

I know.

Hey, hon. What are you doing back here?

- Jennifer was late. - What?

I am just as upset as you are. What are we gonna do with her?

- It's 11:05. - I know.

She's out of control.

Did anybody call for me?

I'm supposed to hear back from the sperm doctor.

You went to a fertility doctor?

Well, yeah. I mean, we've been trying for months

with no results.

And you got checked out and you're okay, right?

- Uh-huh. - Well, yeah.

So I figured I should get tested too.

Wayne, try and stay focused.

Why is your sister happy?

Oh, my God, I ate so much I feel like a giant pig.

I'm gonna have to wear my stretchy pants now.

You know I think you're so hot with your stretchy pants.

- You like my stretchy pants? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, we get it. You like each other.

I'm gonna go get my stuff,

but have clothes on when I come back.

You know, it's kind of ridiculous

that you have to keep packing and unpacking

every time you want to come over.

Are you suggesting that I have a drawer here

at your place, sir?

Yeah. A drawer or a room.

Or a bunch of rooms together.

A house is what I'm saying, I guess.

Move in?

- Are you serious? - Absolutely.

It'll be great. Look, I know this place is small,

but I have two bedrooms.

And once my royalties start kicking in from my new album,

I figure we can get a place in your old neighborhood.

The West Side? Maybe an ocean view?

And Gretchen can go back to her old school

with all of her friends.

You can have your old life back.

Wow. I mean, that sounds...

Can we? Mom, oh, my God. Can we?

- Well... - Yeah, come on, mom.

What do you say?

I say...

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Okay.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God,

oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

- Awesome! - Awesome.

- Okay. - Great.

But, uh, you know what?

Can we talk a little bit more about this later?

I have got to get her to her car.

Oh, yeah. You know what?

I can take her, because I think I'm blocking you in.

Come on, squirt. Let's go.

And, yeah, I'm a dad that gives nicknames.

Get used to it, short stack.

So you just act like you're cool, huh?

Yeah, it lets me say whatever I want.

[Laughs]

Don't be gone too long.

Sure thing, butch wax.

Yeah, you got to stop doing that.

He asked me to move in.

What? I knew it. This is how it begins.

What number is this anyway?

Is this a landline number?

Are you becoming a landline person?

Dina, you will always have the tool shed.

Okay, good.

So, what did you say?

- Are you gonna do it? - I think I am.

Oh, good.

Oh, this is like a fairy tale

set in a sleepy bedroom community

in the greater Los Angeles area, freeway adjacent,

four miles from a six flags.

I've got a really good feeling about this.

[Doorbell rings] Hold on.

Hi.

Jennifer?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Who are you?

Oh, Cherie. I'm Adam's wife.

Dina: Holy crap!

His wife?

Adam's married?

This is unbelievable.

Are you angry you weren't invited

to the wedding, Jennifer?

No, no, I'm upset there was one.

And how do you know my name?

- Because you're Jennifer. - Yeah! I know who I am.

How's Gretchen?

She must be 16 by now.

- Who are you? - Honey, I'm home.

I can't wait to get in those stretchy pants with you,

because when I was pulling into the driveway,

little Adam went from 6:00 to midnight.

By the way, I have a wife.

I've been waiting for the right time to tell you,

but now seems like a good time.

Adam, you didn't tell her about us?

Jennifer, could you excuse us for just one moment?

What? [Laughs]

No, no. Honey, if anybody's gonna be excusing anybody,

it's gonna be me excusing you.

What the hell is going on?

Oh, uh, this is... All right, look,

I definitely should have told you this already,

but this is just a green card marriage.

Uh-huh.

I don't know. It sounds kind of sketchy.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking at first.

But Cherie was just there to drop off paperwork.

And once she left, Adam explained everything to me.

She's in his band. You know, she's Canadian.

Her visa was up, and he didn't want to lose his bass player.

Yeah, 'cause where are you gonna find another bass player

in all of America?

They're friends.

Look, I like Adam.

In fact, if you weren't in the picture,

I would be all over that,

because he's hot and he makes me feel...

- I am in the picture. - But like you say,

you are in the picture. It's just that in my experience,

the only reason people do green card marriages is for money.

That's ridiculous. He's doing really well.

He doesn't need the money.

- Okay. - Seriously?

- What, are you calling him? - I'm just checking in.

- I like to hear his voice. - Hmm.

Wait.

Ugh, this is Adam's.

Oh, that's Adam's phone?

Let's see who the last person he called was.

What? Don't do that. Give me the...

- I got it. Get it, get it. - The phone.

Gimme the phone.

Oh, my God.

[Ringing]

Unemployment office. Doreen speaking.

- Hey, Maggie. - Stephanie.

Wayne said you had two veal Parmesans

that were making you sad?

Here you go, dear.

I know Wayne loves my veal Parmesan.

Just like his father.

For years I'd keep them in the freezer,

in case Mike would stop by for a late supper.

Or to sleep one off.

Anyway, I know Wayne will love these.

I wish I had something for you.

Oh, well, I've always loved that lamp you have

- in the living room. - Ha.

You and my housekeeper, Oksana.

You'll have to fight it out when I go.

[Sobs]

Oh, honey, aren't you sweet.

That'll be years from now.

No, it's not that.

Well, what is it?

Maggie, can I speak to you in your role as a therapist?

Well, that depends.

What kind of co-payment do you have?

- What? - I'm kidding.

We can work out a barter deal.

This is completely confidential, right?

Absolutely.

In this room, you are not my daughter-in-law.

You are my patient.

Would you like some water?

I don't deserve water!

I have been secretly taking birth control pills

even though Wayne thinks we're trying to get pregnant.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God!

Shame on you!

Hey.

I said this was confidential,

not that I wouldn't judge you.

Hi.

Hey, look who it is, Doreen.

It's the $250,000-job lady.

I'm actually not here for a job.

I'm here because I need some information

on one of your clients.

Oh, good for you.

You got a job as a detective.

Look, Doreen, it's Veronica Mars.

I didn't do it!

[All laugh]

You're supposed to have my back.

I'm sorry. They're like those Muppet guys.

Client information is confidential.

You know what? I get it. Totally understand.

It's just, um...

[Sighs]

The father of my child is back,

and... there's a spark.

- Can't deny it. - Ooh, a spark.

I do love a spark.

And now he wants them to move in.

Yeah, and he claims that his music career has taken off.

So this could be really, really good

for me and my daughter, but...

- There's always a "but." - Mm-hmm. Don't I know it.

- But there is an ex-wife. - Uh-oh.

And even though he's supposed to have all this money,

he's calling the unemployment office.

So I am trying to figure out what's really going on.

I know you have your policies,

but do you think that maybe

you could just make an exception?

Oh.

You mean just for you and nobody else?

Like a one-time thing?

- [Whispers] Oh, could you? - Oh, sure!

Let me get the "one time" file. Where did I put that file?

Where did I put...

Do you have the "one time" file, Doreen?

Well, I'm sure it's here somewhere...

- [Laughs] - Oh, yeah. We replaced it

with the "get out of our face 'cause we have work to do" file.

[Both laugh]

This is a waste of time.

I gotta admit, I'm kind of on their side.

- This was your idea. - Well, sorry.

I always like it when she comes by.

- It does break up the day. - I know, right?

I don't think we should be going through his stuff.

- You want me to stop? - No.

Okay, water bill, phone bill.

Oh, busted.

- What? He is on unemployment. - No.

But he's got a subscription to Us Weekly.

What a douche.

- Oh. - Hold on.

Unemployment debit card.

- Oh, God. - Oh, come on.

You can't be too surprised.

Before Adam made it big, the guy was a total flake.

I don't know. I mean, I've heard

that even movie stars go on unemployment sometimes

between parts.

I've been on unemployment.

I've never seen Tom Cruise in line.

I did see Gary Busey once.

Well, you know what?

I'm gonna text Adam one more time.

Hold on. Here's the green card papers.

Cherie Warner. Thunder Bay, Ontario.

Whoa. Licensed practical nurse?

- What? - She's not a bass player.

Well, if she's not in his band,

why would he help her get a green card?

I can give you 10,000 reasons.

She paid him to do it.

So he totally lied to me.

Ten thousand times.

If I had sunglasses,

I'd be taking them off right now.

Are you sure Adam will be here?

Well, he said he's been putting in 12-hour days

trying to finish his album.

Wow. You think we'll meet some rock stars?

- I don't know. - Just in case.

Here, have an Ice Breakers mint.

I don't...

Mmm! That is coolly refreshing.

I know, right?

Minty, confident, ready to meet rock stars.

We totally killed it.

Rock on, players.

Can't wait till your new single drops.

Those are the exterminators.

I know. I got all their albums.

We had a possum loose.

I hear that.

I'm looking for Adam Pederson.

He's supposed to be recording an album here.

Just a minute.

So, what are you gonna do?

You gonna punch him or mess him up?

- I'm gonna talk to him. - Well, then why am?

You're looking for Adam Pederson?

- Uh, that's right. - Yeah, so am I.

He hasn't been here in weeks.

He owes me 8 grand for studio time,

and he stole a yogurt out of my mini fridge.

Oh, God, Adam.

So if you see him,

that's 8 grand and one Greek yogurt.

Okay. If I see him.

- Unbelievable. - I know.

It's like one day, the world woke up

and decided to eat Greek yogurt.

Hey, Mom.

Oh, hey, hon. You're home.

I didn't see your car out front.

- Yeah, they towed it away. - What?

Your car got repossessed?

Dad said you might overreact.

No, he explained the whole thing to me.

There was a recall.

There's some kind of, like, electrical problem.

But it's gonna be gone for like a couple of weeks,

and then it's gonna come back better than new.

Better than new. Right.

This is a new low.

I mean, it's bad enough that Adam's lying to me.

Now he's lying to his daughter.

Hey, Adam, we need to talk.

Meet me at Wayne's at 8:00 tonight.

Mom, guess what.

Your miniature horse came home?

No, boots is still missing.

It's about my sperm.

Oh. I'm... I'm listening, dear.

Well, I just had my little guys checked,

and it turns out they're healthy and plentiful

and ready for battle.

So I just know a baby is just around the corner for us.

Hmm. Have you spoken with Stephanie about this?

No, I wanted to tell my mom first.

I was afraid I was shooting blanks.

Turns out I'm shooting bullets of life.

Hmm. Couldn't be happier for you, sweetheart.

But there's something you need to know.

You know what?

Let me tell you a story.

In a little village in a faraway land,

there lived a therapist whose patient told her

she was secretly taking birth control pills

without her husband's knowledge.

But the husband was the son of the therapist,

so the therapist couldn't reveal it to him.

So she had to tell him with a story.

A thinly-disguised story.

Do you understand?

Of course I understand.

Mom's losing it.

Having said that, it was a pretty good story.

Okay, it wasn't a recall, you know?

It was repossessed, technically.

I had a check bounce.

And you know how things are nowadays.

You know, you miss a payment and suddenly

you're, like, behind.

But I'm gonna call the bank

and I'm gonna get everything straightened out.

It's actually kind of funny if you think about it.

Adam, just stop right there.

I know you're on unemployment.

I know that Cherie paid you $10,000 to marry her,

and I know that you're not very popular at the recording studio.

Is this about the yogurt?

Is there anything that you've said

since you've been back that is true?

I love you.

I don't even believe that.

- Jennifer... - [Thud, clatter]

Ah, damn it!

Ugh, my pants.

Uh, you know what? I'm gonna go clean this up,

and then when I come back,

I'm gonna explain everything to you, okay?

One more step, and you got it.

Hey. Um...

Is... you know what? It was so crowded in there,

and I... I couldn't wait,

so I was just gonna jog down to the gas station.

But order some calamari. I'll be right back, all right?

Adam, stop.

It's over, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Look, I... I never meant to lie to you and Gretchen.

I...

I had big plans for us. I just...

I wanted to sweep you and Gretchen off your feet.

We didn't need that.

No, but I did.

I wanted to give you a part of your old life back again.

But this time, I wanted to be part of it.

But my album didn't sell like I thought it would.

But I'm working on a really killer track right now.

It's... it'd be great for, like, a Zach Baff film

or like a truck commercial.

That's great.

[Laughs]

Look, Adam, I'm not gonna tell you

to stop having your dreams,

but you cannot have them at Gretchen's expense.

So you and Adam are gonna talk to Gretchen?

What are you gonna tell her?

The truth.

She needs to know the truth.

I mean, I grew up with a dad like that.

You never knew when he was gonna disappear,

or when he was gonna show back up again.

Yeah, Mike was kind of full of it.

But he was a lot of fun when he was around.

- Hmm. - Remember on new year's,

when he would sneak us whiskey,

and then we would throw up in the bushes.

And your mom would yell at him, and he would laugh.

Yeah, I guess it wasn't that great, was it?

Yeah.

- I still miss him. - Yeah.

I guess it was probably better

that he wasn't always in our lives, though.

Uh-oh.

This doesn't look good. What's up?

Look, I'm sorry, but I don't think it's going to work out

with you guys moving in.

What? Why?

Um...

Look, Gretchen, I want this more than anything,

but, um, it's just not gonna happen.

Why not?

Because...

Um...

Because...

Because I can't do it.

You know, with everything that's happened to me,

I... I just can't do it.

I'm really sorry, sweetie.

But, look, I mean...

Hey, you know, we'll still hang out.

I'll call you.

Yeah. Okay.

Okay.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye.

You know, dear, no matter how much

we tamp them down,

secrets have a way of coming out.

Like a weed through concrete.

Wow. You're a poet, Dr. Doyle.

No, I've just had a lot of trouble with my driveway.

Now what are we going to do about Wayne?

Whatever you say, I'll do it.

Stop lying to Wayne. Tell him the truth.

Anything at all.

Tell him the truth.

Okay. Take your time. Give it some thought.

Hi. I'd like to return this...

[Whispering] Sperm enhancer.

[Whispering] Okay.

- Hey, Wayne. - Hey, Phil.

Listen, while you're here,

you might as well pick up Stephanie's prescription.

You can't skip a day.

These are birth control pills.

Right. She called in a refill yesterday.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

So I guess I won't be getting my old life back anytime soon.

I'm still gonna be living with my mother,

still gonna be working for my brother,

still gonna piss off my daughter.

But the weird thing is,

it's kind of starting to feel like home.

[Voices whispering seductively]

[Woman giggling]

Dad?

Hey, Jennie.

What the hell happened to your hair?

Close your mouth, dear.

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