Original subtitles

Do these environmental concerns outweigh

the benefits of fracking to the American economy?

I will argue they do not.

Oh, God, when is Gretchen gonna talk?

Student debates are so boring.

Why am I here?

I'm not even her real aunt.

An you said there would be cupcakes and juice.

There's no cupcakes. There's no juice!

Hey, what did I miss?

Besides 16 years of her life.

[Both chuckle]

The important thing is you're here now,

so Gretchen can have at least one parent who's awake.

Gretchen's father has decided to come back into her life,

and I couldn't be happier about it.

And his music career is taking off.

In fact, he just signed a big record deal.

So while he's sort of on the rise, I'm regrouping.

Congratulations, team fracking.

Whoo-hoo!

[Applause]

What happened?

I dozed off. Do I have drool?

Gretchen won!

Oh, God. You know what that means.

Yeah, that means we have to do this

- all over again for finals. - [Giggles]

I mean, why are we teaching teenagers

to argue better anyway?

- I have no idea. - [Gasps]

Good job. Hey!

Oh, you were awesome.

Thanks, mom. Dad, you made it.

Hey, come on, like I would miss

a vigorous debate about fracking?

Everyone was asking if you were gonna come.

Everyone? Really? Who's everyone?

Hey, Adam.

I have red velvet, your favorite.

Ah, you know me too well, Marcy.

I'm sorry, I thought you said

there were no more left.

I didn't care for your tone.

- Hey, Adam. - Adam!

Okay, how does everybody know you?

You've only been here a week.

I have been here, like, six months,

and nobody knows me.

I mean, even what's-his-face... and I was super nice to him.

Oh, yeah. That's Jerry.

We're gonna go camping soon, spread his mom's ashes.

Figured that's the least I can do.

- Hey, Adam. - See you, Catherine.

Oh, hey, Mike, we gotta go get that beer soon.

- You got it, Adam. - [Laughs]

Dina, you want to go halfsies?

Oh, thanks.

I never would've let you go.

Oh, God. I am so proud of you.

You were riveting.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

What was your favorite part?

Oh. Oh, God.

Do I have to pick one?

I mean, it was all just so incredible.

"Fracking is the key to unlocking

an additional 24 million tons of natural gas,

not to mention creating thousands of jobs

and diminishing our nation's dependence

on foreign oil."

Wow. Dad, that's amazing.

Hey, Gretchen.

Okay, you don't get to show up late

- and then listen. - [Scoffs]

- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito - - www.addic7ed.com -

Here you go.

Do you think I drink too much?

I work at a bar. I can't legally answer that.

Hmm.

Did you see how Adam was getting

all the attention at Gretchen's debate?

How does he win people over so quickly?

I don't know. He's naturally charming.

I'm charming.

But he's actually charming,

not just a person who insists they're charming.

Jennifer, an unlucky cricket

has set off the rat trap.

I'm not saying this is your job to clean it up,

but it's sort of no one else's,

- if you see what I'm saying? - Mm.

- Dina... - [Laughs]

When are we gonna find you a fella, huh?

Bet there's gotta be some guy out there

who's into giant feet.

Ah, Stephanie, anything's possible.

You found a guy who's into super fake chicks

with sticks up their asses, so...

[Forced laughter]

Honey, I've done it!

You know how Wayne's sports bar

has been lacking a signature appetizer?

Well, no more.

I give you... Slider bites.

Sounds like "spider bites."

I think they look delicious, honey.

And how did I come up with this concept, you ask?

Allow me to paint you a picture.

I'm on the third floor of the mall,

I look down at a guy eating a burger in the food court,

way down below.

- Wayne? - Hold on.

It looked so tiny and yet still delicious.

Stephanie's choking!

- [Gags] - Where's the heimlich chart?

Hurry!

Why is it in Spanish?

Who chokes in Spanish?

[Gasps]

Are you okay?

I think so. I was so scared.

You saved my life.

- Oh, God. - [Whimpering]

I was three seconds away from saving her.

Stupid chart. Damn it! Laminated!

Thank you.

I just stood there like an oaf,

a non-Spanish-reading oaf,

while Dina saved my wife's life.

I'm the husband. I'm supposed to be the hero.

Oh, Wayne.

We live in a different time now.

Men can be weak and feel no shame.

They don't have to be handy, they don't have to be strong.

Really, women don't need them at all.

Thanks, mom.

Except for setting up Christmas trees.

Those bastards are tricky.

There's my hero!

Huh? What are you doing in this crappy seat?

You deserve the best table in the house.

Move it, Larry! Come on, Lar...

hero coming through.

Okay.

I've been trying to think about what I can do

- to pay you back. - Oh, that's not necessary.

You know, what do I have that you want?

- Nothing... - And then it hit me

like a shot... it's my love.

Your what now?

I know we haven't always been close.

We hate each other.

And I'm sure in some small way

I have played a part in that,

but now fate has bonded us together.

Would it make you uncomfortable if I call you "life giver"?

- Yes, it would. - We are gonna be best friends now!

- [Groans] - I'm gonna have to find a new bar.

Unless...

It feels weird to be your friend and owe you money.

You know, my bar tab... it's kind of embarrassing

how big it's gotten over the last five years.

Oh, easy peasy. Just settle up.

Huh. That is one option.

It's just so hard to put a price tag on a life...

Oh, I can just forgive the whole thing.

- That did not even occur to me. - Yeah.

Would that help you, Stephanie?

- Yeah. - Oh...

- Whoo! - We won!

We're the champions!

Wait, what are you talking about?

I thought the finals were on Thursday.

Oh, they moved them up. I didn't tell you?

Oh, maybe I just told dad.

Sorry, I'm just so not used to having two parents.

Yeah, you should have seen our daughter

argue that alternative energy is killing our planet.

It was so easy.

The oil companies have a lot of helpful websites.

Oh, there's your coach. I told him I'd buy him a beer.

Hey, I am so proud of you.

You know what, I am taking you

for a celebration dinner on Saturday night.

Oh, Saturday... I can't.

Sorry, it's the father-daughter dance at school.

That's right, it is.

Someone's gonna be steppin' out with her Uncle Wayne.

Oh, sorry, Uncle Wayne, not anymore.

I'm going with my dad. But we made a plan.

Yeah, that was before my dad came back.

Hold on. I think I know what's happening here.

Yeah, my dad is here.

You're ashamed of me

because I didn't save Stephanie's life.

No, it's because my dad's here.

Well, that's just great.

You know, I ordered a corsage and everything.

Gretchen was amazing today. She's such a great kid.

You really raised her right, Adam.

Wow. Thanks, coach.

- [Scoffs] - I'm sorry.

Did you just take credit for Gretchen's success?

There she is.

We're excited to see you.

Well, thank you. I, you know...

How about a pitcher of margaritas and your nachos?

Oh, what the hell, we won.

Super nachos!

[Forced laugh]

[Clears throat]

Would you like to add guacamole

for a dollar more?

Yeah, I...

yeah, I think, um...

I'm sorry I didn't take the time

to explain our complicated past,

but what did you want me to say?

"Her mother raised her."

Four words, two seconds, one decent human being.

I mean, God, just when I get my hopes up about you.

So you have hopes about me?

Don't flatter yourself.

Okay, well, you just said...

hey, is there a problem with our order?

Is everything okay?

Okay, I'm Gretchen's mother.

Adam's wife? It's great to meet you.

I have met you five times!

Five.

- Ah! - [Shudders]

- [Gravelly] - Ahhhhh...

Okay, my turn. Here's a secret...

I've never voted.

- What? Why not? - Mm-hmm.

'Cause I don't want to get jury duty.

[Imitates explosion]

- That is so smart! - I know.

Here, I've been voting this whole time

- like an idiot! - Yeah.

You know, this...

Not nearly the train wreck I thought it was gonna be.

I know, right?

Okay, your turn... To tell me a secret.

- Something naughty. - [Burp]: Excuse me.

Okay. Here's one.

Last year, I was having this stupid affair

with my supervisor, gill.

- Dina, that's so tawdry. - I know.

We would do it anywhere, anytime,

which oddly enough is also our company's motto.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- Thank you. - Isn't life funny?

'Cause Wayne and I are trying to have a baby,

but the whole time, I've been taking birth control pills.

[Laughs]

- [Crying] - Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

Wow. I really wish I didn't know that.

Mom, Saturday night...

should I wear my comfortable shoes

or can I wear my heels?

Is dad a good dancer?

I don't know.

- Why don't you ask coach? - What?

I'm sure Adam's a great dancer.

He's great at everything.

Well, you're still better at jealousy.

You're damn right I am.

Oh.

What?

Patient was depressed, expressing suicidal ideation...

ooh, I need Post-its.

Mom.

Oh, hi, honey. What's up?

It's Adam.

- Is he coming over? - No.

Now that he's back in my life,

I'm trying to figure out...

- Marry him. - What?

He's adorable.

And he's doing such a great job with Gretchen.

For five minutes!

I've been doing it for 16 years.

Gretchen changed her profile picture

of the two of us to one of her and Adam.

I know.

I "liked" it and wrote several witty ripostes.

It sucks, mom.

It hurts.

Hmm.

I can imagine it does.

You've raised a wonderful daughter on your own,

and it's only right that you should get the credit.

Thank you.

But... and here's a question I ask my patients all the time...

do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

I want to be happy.

- That's very wise. - But I...

- no "buts." - But how can I...

Let it go, Jennifer.

But how can I be happy if I'm not right?

You're going to lead a very long and difficult life.

Hey, Wayne.

Dina, let me ask you a question.

You're a Hero.

What kind of father am I gonna be

if I can't even save my own wife?

Relax. Think positive.

Maybe you won't even become a father.

What? Why would you say that?

No reason. I was just making conversation.

Oh, there's your wife who I've recently become friends with.

I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go talk to her.

- [Gasps] - Hey, girlfriend.

I was thinking that we need nicknames for each other.

Like, I can call you "Flapjack."

- And you can call me... - You have to tell Wayne.

No, I did tell Wayne. He likes Flapjack.

You can call me "Puddin'."

- No, Stephanie... - No, "Puddin'."

The thing you told me.

Oh, that.

- Yeah. - No.

That was... that was just the schnapps talking.

I wouldn't pay much attention to that.

You can't keep Wayne in the dark.

That's a terrible thing to do to him.

- Okay, Flapjack. - Not loving Flapjack.

Okay, I'm gonna cut you a little bit of slack

because we're besties,

but that sounded a little bit judge-y.

It's very judge-y!

I am judging you!

Okay, now you're yelling.

What's happening to our friendship?

There is no friendship.

You could have been anybody else,

and I still would have saved your life.

And I wish you had been.

You know how I told you that I liked your highlights?

I know. You were lying.

No, that's the truth.

They're lovely, but I'm angry that I said it.

Hey, mom, remember how you asked me

if I'd rather be happy or right?

Yes, dear, it was an hour ago.

Time hasn't entirely robbed my mind of its gifts.

Well, I figured out a way to be both.

See, I made one of those movies-of-your-life things

people do on Facebook and posted it.

Check it out.

We start with a picture of me holding Gretchen

when she was a baby.

Is her dad there?

Why, no, he's not.

And this is Gretchen taking her first steps,

while I wait to catch her.

Me, her mother.

Where's her dad? Who knows?

Jennifer, this is a salute to you.

No, this is an homage to mothers everywhere.

But you're the only mother in this.

Okay. Fine.

I just... I want a little appreciation.

- From whom? - I don't know.

Let's start with the 187 people who "liked"

Gretchen's new picture.

I see.

So you think settling the score like this

will make you happy?

That is my hope, yes.

- You've ruined my life forever. - Oh, Gretchen.

Honey, please don't start with that

"I'm ugly and embarrassed for people

to see me in pictures."

You're beautiful, every inch of you.

And I want people to see that.

Don't worry. They did!

- Look at this picture you posted. - What?

That's just me steaming out your dress for the dance.

Behind you.

Oh. Huh.

I didn't see you in the background.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, I'm putting Zit Cream on my backne.

Wow, that one might need to be lanced.

Thanks, mom.

Now, I'm not going to the dance

or anywhere else for the rest of my life.

Happy?

Gretchen, sweetie.

I am so sorry,

but you're so beautiful.

Nobody's going to be thinking about your backne.

Stop saying backne.

When you're done making it worse,

I have some special soap that'll help.

Mom, I'm good.

I can handle this one on my own, okay?

Based on what?

Gretchen, honey, please don't let my stupid mistake

ruin your wonderful night with your father.

Oh, my God.

You look... You look beautiful, honey.

[Laughs]

Oh, I'm so glad we talked this out.

We didn't. I've been texting dad.

He convinced me to go. He's waiting outside.

Outside? Now?

[Car horn honks]

Oh, my God, I'm wearing slippers.

Hey, guys. I brought this for Gretchen.

I preordered it when I thought

I was taking her to the dance.

You know, before your stupid friend

saved my wife's life and made me look like a coward.

Well, she's already at the dance,

but you can take it to her.

- I'm sure she'd love it. - Yeah?

And then I'd kind of be a hero.

Well, you're delivering flowers, honey,

not wrestling a bear.

Right. Thanks, mom.

Come on. I'll go with you.

[Indistinct chatter]

- Adam! - What's up, Phil?

Hey, Rick.

So what is it that you kids

are listening to nowadays, huh?

Because I have some dance moves that I've worked on.

Here, check this out.

You know what I call this?

I call this move the "dad"

- are you serious? - Totally serious.

I've got 16 years of embarrassing you

to catch up on.

You are all caught up.

No way.

Oh.

Hey.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Don't worry. I'm not gonna embarrass you.

You're at my dance wearing yoga pants.

What? These are day-to-night yoga pants.

Which one's yours?

Oh. I don't have a daughter.

I'm just hanging out.

Look, I know you're really mad at me,

but I'm not here to crash your party.

I just feel like...

I feel like an idiot for making such a big deal

out of getting credit for how wonderful you turned out.

You know what, never mind.

Just enjoy your dance, sweetie, okay?

- [Taps microphone] - Excuse me.

Hi, I've been asked to introduce

the first father-daughter dance tonight.

- [All chant] - Adam!

Adam! Adam! Adam!

You know what, actually before I do that,

I'd like to say a few important words

about fatherhood.

- Do it, Adam! - Come on, Adam!

- Show us what you got, baby! - Love that shirt!

I'll see you at home, Gretchen.

What makes a good father?

Reading a bedtime story?

Checking for monsters under the bed?

Showing your kid how to throw a ball or ride a bike?

I think it's about all those things.

But more importantly, I think it's about

showing up. Being there,

through the good times and the bad.

Oh, my God.

I'd like to introduce Gretchen's real father...

her mother.

- What? - [Applause]

What?

I did not see that coming.

[Sighs]

I'm starting to remember why everybody loves you so much.

Well, you know, I don't care what they think.

I care what you think.

I think you have your moments.

Well, this is your moment.

- [All chanting] - Adam! Adam!

Guys, actually, not now.

You know I appreciate everything

you've done for me, right?

Yeah, I know, but I still like to hear it.

You're gonna leave after this song, right?

- [Laughs] - Don't worry.

Hey, aren't you Gretchen's friend?

Zoe, is it?

What's wrong?

My dad is stationed in Afghanistan.

The last time we skyped he said he might be coming home soon.

I really thought he was gonna surprise me here tonight.

Guess I've been watching too many stupid YouTube videos.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, you know, I'm not your dad,

but I'm here, and if it wouldn't be too weird,

I would dance with you.

- Really? - Sure.

Okay.

You're my hero.

Really?

Finally.

Oh, daddy!

Now, hold on. Let's not get carried away.

I'm just your friend's Uncle.

Oh, come on!

- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito - - www.addic7ed.com -

- Well, we did one thing right. Huh? - Yeah.

Hey, when you're going on tour you're not actually gonna dance, right?

You know, in High School, you used to love my dancing.

Yeah. I also used to smoke weed out of a potato. So...

[Laught]

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