Original subtitles

Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you try on one more?

It'll mean so much to my wife

when I surprise her on our anniversary.

Are you sure I'm the right size?

Oh, you're definitely in the ballpark, baby.

Okay. Be right back.

Jack. I've been looking all over for you.

I thought you hated shopping.

Oh, well, it's our anniversary, right?

What anniversary?

The six-month anniversary of our partnership,

and, well, I thought I'd look around

and find something nice and surprise you. Yeah.

That's so sweet. Well, perhaps we can celebrate after the Governor's party

with a game of chess and a glass of wine.

The Governor's party? Oh, no, I forgot about that stuffy brouhaha.

Do we have to go? Oh, you won't want to miss it.

The Governor's guest tonight

is millionaire Sultan Mohammed Kareem Abdul Ohmar Shariff Ali.

Wait a minute, he's the guy with the 70 wives. Uh-huh.

Oh, man, I'll bet he gets great group... discounts.

You think your wife would like this one, mister?

Thank you so much, Jack, but I already have a handkerchief.

She'll love it.

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, you're so handsome in your uniform.

Thank you for your kind invitation, Governor.

This meeting has been long overdue.

Indeed. And how lovely that all of your charming wives could come.

CROQUE: Emilia, my dear!

Governor.

Sultan, may I present Madame Emilia Rothschild

and her attaché, Monsieur Jacques Stiles.

It's a pleasure.

You remind me of a sunflower, my dear.

Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Say, Ali Baba, understand you got quite the pad on the island here.

What do you say I come on over for a barbecue after happy hour?

You supply the buns. I'll be sure to bring the meat.

My apologies. The harem is sacred.

Only my wives and my guards are allowed inside its walls.

May I present two of my wives,

Petunia and Lilac.

Well, hubby here must have a pretty good memory

to remember the names of all of you, huh?

I choose their names myself when they marry me.

Each one after the flower they remind me of.

Oh, how clever.

The sooner you erase their former identities,

the easier it must be for you to control them.

Charming.

Say, which reminds me, Sulty, how do you put up with all the nagging?

Why not ask them?

This way, Mr. Stiles.

Governor, I have decided to allow your troops to re-supply

at any of my islands.

(EMILIA SCREAMING) You'll have a contractual agreement to sign

by tomorrow morning.

I must write to my brother at once!

Say, ladies, what's the rush?

Em?

Let me go at once!

May I present, dear husband, for your pleasure,

your new wife.

What?

Sunflower.

(GASPS)

(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

Everyone, say hello to Sunflower.

WOMEN: Hello, Sunflower.

I demand to be released!

(WOMEN GASPING)

How cute.

Isn't my new wife adorable?

An excellent choice, dear husband.

Sunflower, this is Iris.

She will help you get acquainted with my tastes, so to speak.

Iris, perhaps you could give Sunflower a tour of her new home.

My name is Emilia Rothschild.

(WOMEN GASPING)

And you are so cute.

Come on.

Let's get something straight, right here.

Out there, he may be the boss,

but in here, you answer to me.

You got that?

It's quite a show you put on for him.

You'll be doing it, too.

But don't get too full of yourself, Sunflower.

You're just the flavor of the month.

I was the first woman he ever married.

Do I detect a note of pride behind that tragic fact?

You're one snobby bitch, aren't you?

(WOMEN GASPING)

But don't worry, I can fix it

so you can go home if you're not happy here.

ALL: Fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

What a pity that women of such obvious strength would turn on each other,

when their real problem's right outside that door!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Now, then,

you can all choose to stay here in matrimonial slavery,

or you can follow me.

(GROANS)

Where do you think you're going?

I was just making sure somebody was standing here to...

To keep me from escaping.

Fellas. Say, brother, this where the Sultan lives?

Oh, this is just his vacation home, sir.

Good. Then I've come to the right place.

Look, he told me to stop by here for a job interview.

So, here I am.

Did he say for what position?

Well, after seeing his wives,

I was hoping to go through a variety of positions.

But, whatever you have open.

We do have an opening available for the harem security detail.

Let me get this straight. You get paid to watch 70 women?

Let me think about that.

Okay.

Well, if you come with me, we'll get you prepared for the main hall.

Okey-doke.

You know, I was just kidding about what I said before.

The Sultan's got nothing to worry about with me around his wives.

I'm sure you're right, sir.

Now, perhaps I can offer you a slug of whiskey to take the edge off

before I take the edge off.

Don't mind if I do.

Nothing like a full-service barber.

Hey, I'm thinking just a little off the top, if you don't mind.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to take off more than that.

What the Sam Hill is that?

The Sultans guards are composed entirely of eunuchs, sir,

so that they may not be clouded by temptation.

Surely the Sultan told you.

Ah, well...

Yeah, sure, I knew that.

But you don't have to worry about me.

See, I got that part all worked out.

I lost my chromedanglers during the war.

There I was, oiling my musket, when all of a sudden...

Well, let's just say everything went nuts.

Why didn't you say so? You poor man.

You can start today.

Thanks.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Tell me, how are you enjoying your stay so far?

Well, let's see.

I find you to be an atrocious, patronizing swine

who obviously sees women as nothing more than

silly little playthings placed on the earth for your amusement.

Cute! Yes, you are.

If you get any more adorable, I'll explode.

JACK: Care for some more goat's milk, Sunflower?

You must be the new eunuch.

Yes. I'm here to fulfill your every desire, madam.

Have you ever done this before?

Oh, yeah. Don't worry about me. I'm on top of you.

It. I'm on top of it.

IRIS: Hmm.

There's something odd about you.

Oh?

Security check.

(JACK GASPS)

Holy moly.

(GROANS)

(WOMEN GROANING IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Care for dessert, anyone?

That reminds me, the final order of business.

Gather round!

Congratulations, Sunflower.

Fate has chosen you for a higher calling.

Tonight, we mate.

JACK: Psst.

Oh, so good to see you, Jack.

All right, let's not get all mushy. Now, look, the way I see it,

we can sneak out of here at midnight when they switch the guards.

I can't leave.

Excuse me?

These women are slaves, Jack. We need to show them

they're capable of freeing themselves from the bosom of tyranny.

Look, the only bosom I'm busting out of here is yours.

Now, come on, let's get going already.

(GASPING)

Guards! Guards!

No package, no pain.

Well, at least you still have guts.

All right, baby, let's go! I can't, Jack.

I'm sorry. Oh, this ain't over, sister.

What is going on in here?

It pains me to have to tell you this, dear husband,

but Sunflower here was discovered plotting her escape

with the new eunuch.

Oh, preposterous! I'm still here, aren't I?

My cherished little Sunflower.

I wouldn't want you thinking I'm a monster.

All will be forgiven after we test drive my new mattress.

I cannot stop you from ravishing my body, Sultan,

but you will never lay claim to my heart.

I've heard enough.

Far be it from me to force a woman to act against her will.

Execute her at dawn!

(WOMEN GASPING)

Congratulations, Iris.

Within the hour you'll have the Sultan all to yourself again.

Don't presume to know anything about me.

You're in love with him, aren't you?

That's why you won't leave.

I was once, a long time ago.

As I said, I was the first he ever married.

Which makes you the best hope to stand up to him.

You've had his ear the longest.

I mean, why not claim the life you deserve?

And what life would that be?

A life of independence, and the right to choose your husband.

A pleasant delusion.

But you seem to forget that disobeying the Sultan

is a crime punishable by death,

as you will soon discover.

Well, I hope you can live with my death on your conscience.

I really do.

Good speech, Em. If I had a bra, I'd burn it.

Jack! How long have you been there?

Long enough to know if busting you out of here means busting them out, too,

well, so be it.

I'm sorry I ruined your carefully crafted escape plan.

Don't sweat it. It was too much to expect me to pass for a stinking eunuch anyway.

Can we get back on track, Jack?

All right, all right, look, I happen to know a certain masked crusader in these parts

who can put a door in that wall of guards,

but you gotta lead those women through it.

If I can just get through to Iris, the rest of the harem will follow.

The palace is very well guarded.

You'll need a huge distraction to occupy his guards.

Don't you worry about a thing, baby. I got just the ticket.

Hey, is trash day Wednesday or Thursday?

You're so cute.

What a shame you have to die.

Oh, well.

Don't I get any last words?

Ladies, it was Socrates who once said,

"It is now time to depart, for me to die,

"for you to live.

"But which is going to a better state

"is unknown to everyone but God."

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mon Gouverneur, the treaty has arrived from the Sultan's palace.

Fabulous.

Mark this day on your calendar, Brogard.

Oui, mon Gouverneur. A great day in French history.

Once I affix my signature to this treaty,

the alliance between la France and Sultan Mohammed Kareem Abdul Ohmar Shariff Ali

will be complete,

and Napoleon's armies will be strategically placed across the globe.

Papers, please. Thank you very much. Coming through.

Catch me if you can.

The Dragoon!

After him!

Oui, mon Capitaine!

We didn't land on the altar of marriage.

The altar of marriage landed on us.

And so, in closing, I say that if freedom can only come to me through death,

then death shall it be.

You really are a tasty little peanut.

I will miss you.

Come on.

BROGARD: After him!

After him!

After him!

(SHRIEKS)

Come on, guys, pick up the pace.

Come on, you idiots!

(WOMEN GASP) IRIS: Wait!

How dare you interrupt my execution, Iris?

Stick it up your keister, Mohammed. I'm talking here.

This prissy blonde annoys me as much as she annoys the rest of you.

But I'm not too proud to admit she has a point.

(ALL MURMURING)

I could have you executed, Iris.

The name is Sheba.

Not Iris, not Daffodil.

Sheba.

You called me by name once, remember?

When we first met.

That was the only time I ever felt like a woman around you,

and not your property.

And if the rest of you don't want to forget your names for good,

you'll stand with me now.

Listen to her.

Aren't you tired of being a number?

And aren't you tired of faking it in the sack?

WOMAN 1: Oh, yeah! WOMAN 2: Yes.

Guards, gag her!

Yes, Sultan.

Sorry to interrupt, Your Sultan-ness,

but I think the French have double-crossed you.

What? I don't believe this.

Oh? Then how do you explain the battalion of troops storming your palace?

I thought you might like that back.

Traitors! Kill them!

Attaboy!

You know, I like your style, but your execution's all wrong.

Okay, come on, sister. We've got some women to lib.

Ladies, follow us! The road to freedom awaits!

JACK: Okay, ladies, right this way. Come on. Go, go, go, go!

Hurry! Come on, ladies!

Iris, just you and me together, forever?

Stick it, slick. And for the last time, the name is Sheba.

(EXCLAIMS)

This way!

(ALL CHEERING)

WOMEN: We're free, we're free!

Anyone needs a place to stay, please do not hesitate to ask, all right?

There you go.

Is he a friend of yours?

Oh, more often than not.

You hold onto him. Good men are hard to find.

Thank you for saving my life, Sheba.

Oh, no. Thank you for saving mine.

Take care, Sheba.

Wow.

Well, another day well spent, Jack,

thwarting French imperialism and standing up for women's rights.

Hear, hear.

Hey, just imagine the kind of alimony payments the Sultan's in for.

What are you hiding there?

Well, it is the six-month anniversary of you bossing me around, remember?

Well, I'm glad to see the day's events have inflamed your feminism, Jack.

That's just the wrapping, Em. Look inside.

Now, turn it over.

"To my partner,

"the only one who can get a rise out of me.

"Your favorite eunuch, Jack."

It's beautiful.

It better be. It cost me two months' salary.

Hey, since you didn't lose your head today,

what do you say we celebrate, Rothschild style?

Oh, with a game of chess.

And a bottle of wine.

Now, you just sit tight, and I'll be back

before you can say "unique eunuch" ten times real fast.

Unique eunuch, unique eunuch.

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