Original subtitles

A deed to priceless native lands.

The Governor's men have stolen it,

now we must return it to the people.

No problem.

Don't you want to reach out and rip this cape right off me?

Only if I knew it would hurt.

Oh! Hey, lighten up, will you?

I'm demonstrating the explosives I've developed,

which you'll use to blow the Governor's safe.

And the Governor's safe only, Jack.

No blowing anything up on the way back.

Well, what fun is being a spy without a little pointless diversion?

Well, spying isn't meant to be fun, Jack.

You know, Emilia, only you could make the fight against evil

so uninteresting.

When are you gonna let your hair down?

When you learn to obey my orders and hold your tongue.

Where do you want me to hold it?

Hey!

(LAUGHING)

JACK: Emilia's putty.

(SNICKERING)

(HUMMING)

Ooh.

My favorite kind, the free kind.

(SNICKERING)

(LAUGHING)

Top secret plans.

Not anymore.

Oh, correspondence with Napoleon.

(LAUGHING) Return to sender.

Wait a minute.

(LAUGHING)

Deed to native lands.

The Daring Dragoon strikes again.

(BANGING ON DOOR) GUARD: Open up in there!

(IN WOMAN'S VOICE) Oh, I'm not decent, boys!

EMILIA: Now meet me at the rendezvous point.

And don't harm one more soldier than necessary.

SOLDIER: Break it down!

All right, guys, I'm on a strict diet, so let's make this count.

Oh, I was just getting warmed up.

Hello! GUARD: Stop, in the name of France!

Ha!

After him!

Come on, boy!

Stand aside, madame!

(PANTING) We are in pursuit of a criminal!

Oh, dear, how I detest lawbreakers.

Well, if you'll just show me a search warrant signed by the Governor,

I'll open my doors at once.

We have no time for this!

Well, then I hope you have time for a lawsuit,

because that's exactly what you'll have if you don't have a warrant.

We'll be back, madame!

Search warrant.

(GUARD SPEAKING FRENCH)

(GRUNTS)

Emilia. Emilia?

Who's Emilia?

(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

Who's Emilia?

You are.

Me?

And who are you?

Jack.

I guess you're not as hardheaded as I thought.

I'm sure it'll all come back to you.

Yes, well, I hope it does, because I, uh...

I can't seem to remember a thing.

You don't say?

International secret agents?

Mmm-hmm. Top secret.

And you're a masked hero?

No, I'm a dashing masked hero.

And I'm your trusty sidekick?

Mmm-hmm. One who looks up to me with utter devotion.

Balderdash. Oh, yeah?

Well, who else but a couple of international agents

would have a Trypton encryption machine

hidden in a coffee barrel, huh?

But wait, there's more.

Who else would have a secret closet stuffed full of masked hero suits, size 42?

Perhaps you're right.

In case you've forgotten, Jack Stiles is always right.

And while we're on the subject, missy,

let's clear up a few more things.

I give the orders around here.

Really? But I'm obviously so much smarter than you.

Hey, do you want me to dock your pay, huh?

You have a little more respect for your superior officer.

Yes, all right. But enough about you. Tell me about me.

Well, let's see.

The Emilia I know is uninhibited.

She's free with her body.

She follows her every impulse.

She enjoys a good prank.

I'll tell you what. Wow, is she a party animal.

Party animal.

Oh, yeah. But first things first.

We gotta find out what you did with that deed.

What deed?

You were carrying a deed we stole from the Governor.

It was a deed to native lands.

Well, how should I know what I did with it?

Well, what's the last thing you remember?

Hog. Hog?

I clearly remember the word "hog."

Well, that's clear, all right. Yeah.

Unless... Lin Po at the marketplace.

He's one of our operatives and his cover is a hog merchant.

So you must have given the deed to him for safekeeping.

Ha! Come on, sister, let's go.

And that is an order.

So I'm a party animal, huh?

Are you sure?

Well, if you don't believe me, ask around.

You were the wet T-shirt champ three years running.

Oh, look, you dropped a penny.

Oh.

(JACK GROANING)

What'd you do that for?

Well, you said I enjoy good pranks, remember?

Not to mention the pleasure I took in your physical torment.

And, of course, the opportunity to pilfer this.

(CHORTLING) You naughty girl.

That was fun.

You're right, Jack. I am a party animal. Being bad is good.

I knew you were in there somewhere.

(JACK LAUGHING)

Lin Po.

Care to try some head cheese?

Mmm, just like grandma used to make.

What can I do for you, Mr. Stiles?

First thing you can do is change the code.

As you wish.

(EXCLAIMING) Stop that.

Hey, look, we swiped a deed from the Governor.

It's a document about yea big.

It's got writing all over it. It says the natives were screwed.

Don't do that. Get out of here.

The problem is that the only thing that Emilia remembers about

what she did with it was something about the word...

Why would I want a peach? I'm talking to the man.

...was something about the word "hog".

So I'm hoping she gave it to you.

No. No?

Hog? Hog.

Ha. Ha.

Are you sure she didn't mean "pig"?

Pig? Pig, of course. The tavern.

Tavern?

The Drunken Pig.

That rascally parrot Jean-Claude hangs out there,

so she must have given the deed to him to hang on to.

Thanks, Lin Po. Hey, Em.

Em?

Oh, no.

(EMILIA LAUGHING)

Oh!

(EMILIA WHOOPING)

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, fellows, please.

I'll bring her back, I promise.

Emilia, could I have a word with you, please? Over here?

Jack, I've made the most marvelous discovery.

This establishment serves intoxicating beverages!

You don't say.

And those sailors are the most charming fellows.

Look what they've taught me to do with a cigar.

Oh, no, you don't! A cigar is never just a cigar.

You're such a wet blanket, Jack. Let's dance.

You better stop before you fall over.

You're what we say "loaded," "blitzed," "blotto."

I love being blotto.

Talk to me in a few hours. Now, do me a favor, will you?

Just sit down here, don't cause any trouble,

while I talk to our feathered friend.

(SIGHING)

Ah, forgive me, monsieur, but with such a parched beak, I cannot remember.

All right. Barkeep, another shot for the lush thrush.

Here you go.

Ah, yes, I remember now. I have no deed.

But a shipment of pigs arrived for the Governor this morning.

Pigs? What the heck for?

Palau-Palau's founder was trampled by pigs 100 years ago.

The locals commemorate his death every year with the Running of the Pigs.

Pigs? Well, that's another word for hog.

Wait a minute, maybe Emilia hid the deed in Croque's pigpen.

Well, I guess I gotta roll up my sleeves and get down and dirty.

Okay, birdbrain, you are cut off.

(SQUAWKING) Party pooper.

Em...

ALL: (CHANTING) Em! Em! Em!

(HORN BLARING)

Au revoir!

(GLASS BREAKING)

Oh, how delightful! A barroom brawl.

And to think all that wanton violence was initiated by me.

(GAGGING)

Emilia, I said you were a party animal, not a sociopath.

I have to be myself, Jack.

I've created a monster.

Jack, put me down!

(EMILIA SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(EMILIA HUMMING)

Hey, will you quit goofing around and help me find this deed?

What fun is being a spy without a little diversion?

Being a spy is not meant to be fun, Ms. Rothschild.

I can't believe I just said that.

You're such a stick-in-the-mud, Jack.

I tell you what, if it makes you happy,

I'll get down and dirty with you.

Well, it's about time, sister.

(EMILIA LAUGHING)

If you throw that, you are in so much trouble.

(GASPING)

Madame Rothschild, are you feeling quite all right?

Oh, yeah.

Emilia was just showing me one of her beauty treatments.

The mud bath.

Charming, you little monkeys.

Unfortunately, Monsieur Stiles,

no beauty secrets could ever correct

the unsightliness of your American features.

So nice to be loved.

(CROQUE GIGGLING)

If I may, I would like a word with both of you.

It is about the Daring Dragoon.

SOLDIER: Left. Right. Left. Right.

And our soldiers followed the Dragoon

to one of your warehouses.

Well, let's not talk about that.

Because it's not often a girl gets to enjoy

the attentions of two such manly specimens.

(EMILIA MOANING)

Oh, she must be more hammered than I thought.

Emilia seems in fine spirits today, Jacques.

Oh, yeah, she's full of spirits, all right.

Hey, guys, I'll bring her right back, okay?

Come here, you. What do you think you're doing?

Flirting. They're the enemy, remember?

Us, good. Frenchies, bad.

Yes. Which is why I'm subjecting them to my feminine charms.

(WHISPERING) Much easier to find out what they know.

What they know? In case you haven't noticed, they're questioning us.

Yes!

I do hope that Brogard fellow gives me the third degree.

Have you lost your memory or your eyesight?

Now you behave.

I will not.

I'm giving the orders around here.

And I'm disobeying them.

Listen, sister...

Release me!

Captain Brogard, arrest this man.

(LAUGHING) Oh, come on. On what grounds?

On the grounds that he's no fun,

and he's the Daring Dragoon.

You heard me,

(SHUSHING) He's the Dragoon.

My little American monkey? Impossible.

This man is a worm, not a serpent.

Haven't you noticed the Dragoon's American accent,

his distinctive jaw?

Haven't you wondered why Jack is never around when the Dragoon is?

In case you guys haven't noticed, she's a little soused.

And therefore free of inhibitions.

Did I mention she's got a wicked case of amnesia?

Hey, Brogard, come on, man, we've always been buddies.

JACK: You've gotta believe me.

I believe this accusation deserves some investigation,

buddy.

JACK: Not feeling so good now, huh?

(EMILIA MOANING) Here you go, Em. Now, sit tight.

My apologies, madame, but it is my duty, you understand.

Check everything.

Leave nothing unturned.

SOLDIER: Oui, mon capitaine.

(YAWNING)

Check the coffee.

The coffee? Oh, hey, come on, fellows.

That's grounds for a protest.

(JACK LAUGHING)

Okay, you got me over a barrel.

Nothing.

Mon gouverneur, it seems this place is free of any impropriety.

Wait!

This painting is a Jackson Hogg.

CROQUE: It is a priceless work.

And it's our birthday gift to you.

But it is not my birthday.

Well, just consider it a belated gift for your last birthday.

And let's hope it's your last.

I am touched.

Hey, Croquey, you know about that whole

"He's the Dragoon" thing?

It was just our idea of a joke to get you over here.

Isn't that right, Emilia?

Take the painting back to the mansion at once.

SOLDIER: Oui, Gouverneur.

And now we must return to prepare for the Running of the Pigs.

You'd be crazy not to.

Okay, guys, you take care, all right?

I'm sorry.

That's okay, Em.

At least Croque got his Hogg.

Hogg? Hogg?

(EXCLAIMING)

Now, you may not remember that, but you invented it.

There it is.

All right, now let's find the deed and get out of here.

SOLDIER: Down here! They're in the Governor's office!

All right, get going. I'll hold them off.

I can help. No, no.

This is where Emilia would dive out the window.

What?

(EMILIA SCREAMING)

All yours.

(GRUNTING)

Don't move or the cherub gets it!

(JACK LAUGHING)

Looks like you've been framed.

After him!

SOLDIER: Oui, mon capitaine!

It's about to get started.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Don't tell me you're going to make this a habit.

Ow.

Jack.

I remember everything.

Oh, yeah? What's my waist size?

36 and expanding.

You're back, all right.

You better get out of here.

Get him!

How'd you like a nice pork chop?

(JACK LAUGHING)

Pigs in a blanket.

This little piggy

got punched in the nose.

And that little piggy got none.

This little piggy

got his butt kicked.

And this little piggy went...

SOLDIER: Oui, oui, oui.

...all the way home.

Freeze.

I have you now, Dragoon.

Again.

Oh, I can't look.

Hello, Jack.

(CLEARING THROAT) So, everything's back to normal, huh?

Yes. That second blow to the cranium

really jarred me back to health.

Great. Well, that's it, I guess.

Not quite.

You really sunk to a new low today, Jack.

Yeah, I know, Em.

My name is mud.

On the other hand, you did accomplish the mission

and you didn't let those sailors take advantage of me at the tavern.

Well, there you go.

Therefore, I will only dock you two weeks' pay.

What is so amusing, Mr. Stiles?

(SIGHING)

It's great to have you back, Emilia.

Party animal.

Crazy.

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