Original subtitles

Hey, knock it off.

What is all the racket?

For the love of God, it's an indecent hour.

It's 4:00 in the afternoon.

Apology accepted.

You don't actually think you're going to get that sardine can to float, do you?

Well, actually I hope it won't.

I intend to use it for submarine exploration.

Oh, when are we gonna take a vacation?

With you it's always work, work, work.

We're not here on vacation, Jack.

Besides, you never know when you need a contraption such as this.

Yeah, never is right.

That's the problem with you Brits, you're always over-prepared.

Yes, unlike you Americans who think you can improvise your way through life

with a joke and a smile.

Yeah? Well, at least we know how to live a little, sister.

And by living I suppose you mean rolling out of bed midday

for the momentous tasks of relieving yourself, stuffing your face

and hosing off?

Yeah, if the spirit moves me.

Call it my own personal Declaration of Independence.

(BELL JINGLING)

Oh, someone's at the door.

(JEAN-CLAUDE SQUAWKING)

I just flew into town, and mon dieu, are my wings sore.

Well, if it isn't Jean-Claude, our trusty carrier parrot.

What's the word on the cobblestone?

I was on my way to Bangkok

when I saw a most disturbing sight.

The dreaded pirate Blackbeard headed this way.

BOTH: Blackbeard?

The most potty-mouthed mercenary on the seven seas?

Which way was he headed, J. C?

I overheard a deckhand say he'd be arriving at the port on the north shore.

Ah, the north...

Wait a minute, birdbrain, there is no port on the north shore.

In the spirit of intrigue, everything is not always what it seems to be.

Vive la résistance!

(PIRATES CHATTERING)

Enchanté, Monsieur Blackbeard.

I sincerely hope

the rough seas around our fair island

did not prove a great problem for a seaman of your stature.

I haven't just sailed half way around the world to exchange au revoirs

with a couple of creampuffs!

Now, how about you expedite the forking over of me cashola?

Where's the rest of it?

(CHUCKLING) No, no, no. We agreed.

Half the money now, half when you deliver our distinguished guest

to Napoleon.

(GROWLING)

I am inclined to execute this mercenary for his insolence, Governor.

How disgusting. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I knew it. Tastes like chicken.

Delightful. But perhaps I could examine the merchandise

to see that our prize was not damaged in the transfer.

Behold

the piggy!

I must say, that man looks rather familiar. Familiar?

That's Benjamin Franklin.

(SINGING) In 1801, the Revolution had been won

And Uncle Sam's favorite son

Had a job he needed done

Which brought Jack to a lady

Both beautiful and smart

Who found his mix intriguing

A scoundrel with a heart!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

There was never a leatherneck braver

A daring dragoon is he!

He'll halt the bold advance

Of Napoleon's attack

There ain't a French or pirate rogue

Who don't know Jack!

From the Halls of Montezuma

To the shores of Tripoli

Sailin' 'round the bloody world

To defend democracy

And when ya need a fightin' man

To trust or watch your back

Just ask the bloke right next to ya

Damn right!

It's Jack!

That's Benjamin Franklin?

Author of Poor Richard's Almanac?

Inventor of the stove, creator of the lightning rod?

Yeah, you left out one small detail.

He's also the Founding Father of the greatest country in the world.

See, America ain't looking too shabby now, is it?

Well, I hate to rain on your Independence Day parade, Jack,

but Franklin was born to British parents who clearly infused him

with the proper traits of ingenuity, self-discipline and culture.

Oh, really? Well, let me ask you a question.

If his parents were so thrilled to be a couple of English muffins,

why were they so willing to suffer a four-month,

black-plague-rat-infested ship cruise just to get the hell out of there?

In the name of democracy,

I demand that you release me at once!

Shut up, piggy!

Or at least provide me with a six-course meal and a wash maiden.

But Monsieur Franklin,

democracy is but a passing fad.

Once we discover all your scientific secrets,

America will be ours to do with as we choose.

Take him away!

Oui, mon capitaine.

FRANKLIN: You may be able to imprison me,

but you will never imprison the spirit of freedom! Ever!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What a guy. Did you see that?

Talk about grace under pressure.

A British quality, to be sure.

Oh, give it up, sister. We've got a Founding Father to rescue.

(SOUNDING OFF IN FRENCH)

Wait a minute.

You can't pass for a French soldier with those jubblies.

You gotta hide them.

It may surprise you to know, Jack, they're not detachable.

Too bad. It'd be a nice addition to my teddy bear.

Yes, and it's a shame your Andrew Johnson's not detachable, either.

I could use it to cork wine. A pinot noir, no doubt.

Now come on, get behind me.

Stay close and keep your head down.

(SOUNDING OFF IN FRENCH)

(GATE OPENING)

Mr. Franklin,

I'm sure you remember me. I'm Jack Stiles, an American agent.

Oh, thank God. I'm starving.

You must be my wash-maiden.

I beg your pardon?

I hope you've got a loofah.

In point of fact, Mr. Franklin, I'm a British agent

working with your Mr. Stiles to thwart French expansion.

In that case, you'll have to do away with their pastries.

Every time I look at those tiny little chocolate éclairs,

I gain five pounds.

So what exactly does Napoleon want with you, Benji?

(SIGHING) He's asked me to build the most shocking weapon, to be sure.

A giant kite capable of generating an electric charge so powerful,

it'll turn the White House black.

Not to mention, overcook dinner entirely.

How could that be?

Electricity discharges to the ground state

at the first opportunity it gets.

It would be impossible to aim such a weapon.

True, my dear.

But the simple addition of a magnet to the head of the kite

creates a field capable of containing the electric charge.

Ah, like a cork.

So if you remove it over the target...

Indeed, mass destruction.

Oh, look, I hate to interrupt this little science lesson,

but this prison is too well-guarded

for us to get you out of here right now.

So, tomorrow morning at dawn,

when they're taking you back to the ship,

we'll arrange a little kidnapping of our own.

JACK: See ya. My sandwich!

SOLDIER: Close the gate!

I hope you won't think me indelicate, Monsieur Blackbeard,

but I could not help noticing

that your beard was not entirely black.

(SNORTING)

Well, Gov,

it just so happens I got this here trick lip.

And whenever I'm sucking on a sample of me, uh, preferred dinner hooch,

I's tend to dribble on me wee namesake here.

That is quite a pungent odor, monsieur.

Kerosene!

Good for the old sciatica!

CROQUE: Fire.

Tell me, my repulsive friend,

are you enjoying your stay on Palau-Palau?

Well, let's see.

I spent most of me day sitting on your flush hole

'cause I was stupid enough to drink the water.

Then, after a quick dip at a local gentlemen's establishment,

I discovered the painful sensation of blowing fireballs

out of me Long John Silver!

Delightful.

Louis, a shot of penicillin for our revolting guest, tout de suite.

I hope your crew is prepared for any eventuality, monsieur.

You saying that I is a crappy pirate?

What Capitaine Brogard means

is that a masked man the locals refer to as the Daring Dragoon

has taken it upon himself to interfere with our operations.

The Daring Dragoon?

Sounds like a creampuff!

And you know what I do to creampuffs?

I think a few extra precautions

might afford us all a better night's repose.

I believe I have a plan, mon gouverneur.

You grab the trunk. We ain't got all day.

Excuse me, boys.

(EXCLAIMS)

Could somebody help me with my num nums?

(PIRATES EXCLAIMING)

Me?

Whoa, boy.

All right, down you go.

Ha! A granny knot.

This was all too easy.

(URGING HORSE)

For once, Monsieur Dragoon, we are in complete agreement.

(WHISTLES)

Go ahead and shoot.

But I gotta warn you, me and the big guy upstairs have an understanding.

Oh? Yeah, he picks the winners at the track,

I give 10% to the orphan's fund.

You kill me, you'll break their little hearts.

I detest children.

You would, you humbug.

You wanna tee off the Almighty?

I would gladly go to hell to insure your eternity there as well, monsieur.

Until we meet again.

Ten of your American dollars says God is a woman.

Well, that explains why we're always trying to please her,

and nothing we ever do is good enough.

It would also explain why we're no longer covered in fur

(BLACKBEARD YELLING) While we hunt our neighbors for recreation.

Yeah, yeah. Next thing you'll tell me, God's British.

I'm trying to break you in slowly, Jack.

Oh, we're too late. Blackbeard's sailed with Franklin.

We've got to get on that ship.

What, are you out of your mind?

If he sees us rowing after him,

he'll blow us straight to that feminine British heaven of yours.

Jack, Jack, Jack. You must learn to think three-dimensionally.

Oh, I do. What are you, 36, 24, 36?

By three-dimensionally,

I mean there's more to the ocean than the surface of the water.

JACK: Boy, now I know what a sardine feels like.

(JACK GROANING)

Say, why do I have to do all the work? My ship, my rules.

Besides, far be it for me to enforce the British custom of teatime on an American.

When it's burgertime, I'll paddle.

(SCOFFING)

This from a woman whose country gave us mint jelly and kidney pie.

Well, you're just bitter because you know we wouldn't have a chance

of rescuing Franklin if it weren't for my submarine.

Still think we British are over-prepared?

(SUBMARINE RUMBLING)

(SNICKERING) I hope you're prepared to die.

Hull pressure's rising, Jack!

We're sinking! I thought that was the point!

If we pass below a certain depth, we'll be crushed!

We need propulsion. I'm trying to propulse.

It's not you. It's an electrical fault, but I can't pinpoint it.

Stand back!

This is how we fix things in America!

Jack, you did it!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

My tea's getting cold. Yeah. I'd better get back to paddling.

PIRATE: Steady as she goes!

Hey, thar she blows.

We'll attach ourselves to the aft underside,

drill a hole into the vessel and pull Franklin out.

And how exactly do we do that without flooding the sub?

Oh, I've equipped this hatch with a watertight docking ring.

Well, he could be anywhere up on that tub.

I'm familiar with this design,

thanks to my exporting business.

If I were Blackbeard, I'd place Franklin in the pantry.

It's the only locking room on the ship.

Keep paddling.

Maybe God is a woman.

(BLACKBEARD YELLING)

(SINGING) What shall we do with the piece of bacon?

(ALL SINGING) What shall we do with the piece of bacon?

What shall we do with the piece of bacon?

We'll fry him in the morning.

(BLACKBEARD LAUGHING)

Aye-aye, me mateys.

(CRASHING)

What was that?

Check on the hog!

(BURPING)

Mr. Franklin, your carriage awaits.

See, now this is what I'm talking about.

Here we are in the middle of a splashy entrance,

and all your proper English mind

can concoct is "Your carriage awaits"?

This is Ben Franklin, not Cinderella.

Yes. Go ahead then, Jack. Enthrall me with your American verbiage.

Oh, it's too late, the moment's passed.

May I suggest that we make like shuffleboard players

and get the puck out of here?

(PIRATE SHOUTING) Good enough for me.

You get that flounder started, I'll hold them off.

Uh-uh-uh.

No eating between meals.

What the hell are you doing on my ship?

Ah, you know me, I never pass up a sail.

A word of advice, deathbreath. Lay off the liverwurst.

(EXCLAIMING)

You are quite an engineer, my dear.

Well, truth be told, the sub's electrical system is based on your studies.

Not again!

What seems to be the problem?

The propulsion system isn't getting any power!

Anyone ever tell you you got a dirty mouth?

Yeah, your mother, when I was showing her how to wax my plank.

Okay. Now you're just being rude.

For the love of God, have mercy.

Not the tongue.

(JACK SHOUTING)

Oh, you are the grossest pirate. Right.

That does it. Time to feed the fishies.

Sorry, but I've got bigger fish to fry.

It's the catalytic coils. They're not supplying power to the engine.

What did you make them out of? Well, lead. Why?

Lead has a prodigiously low melting point.

The coils have probably atomized.

Well, then we'll have to bypass them.

They won't reach!

I hate to be an alarmist, but Blackbeard breathes fire.

What have you done to me ship?

Oh, we need a conductor, or we're never gonna get these engines started.

And now,

Blackbeard presents a painful and fiery death!

I'll conduct. What do I have to do?

Just hold these.

How hard could it be?

Piggy, huh?

Hit it, sister.

Boy, does this...

This is...

(STUTTERING)

(BLACKBEARD SCREAMING)

(MUMBLING) Emilia...

Emilia, how much...

(QUIVERING)

...Ionger?

EMILIA: Roughly 100 nautical miles.

JACK: (QUIVERING) Well, that's not so bad.

(JACK SHOUTING)

EMILIA: I've arranged for one of my shipping vessels to take you home,

Mr. Franklin.

I'll advise the President you have matters well in hand, Jack.

You see? That is where we have you Brits beat.

Oh, not this again. The King's crown is inherited.

It's passed down from one idiot inbred son to the next.

But the President, no, no, no.

His power is from the people and the rule of law.

It was our own English King John

who first signed into effect the Magna Carta,

which established that no man, not even a king,

is above the law. And that was 600 years ago.

Britain is quite advanced, Jack.

Stick that in your Liberty Bell and ring it, Stiles.

Say, who's side are you on anyway?

Jack,

I invented these spectacles so I could see the fine print.

Despite all the bickering, today I have seen the best of England

and the best of America,

working together side by side for the common good.

You two are the beginning of a lasting partnership between two great nations.

If you don't kill each other first.

Bloody good speech, Ben.

Right on, Mr. Franklin.

See, that's why he's on the C-note, baby.

So, Emilia, care for a spot of tea?

Sure, pal, after we stop for a cheeseburger.

Is that really how I sound?

That's exactly how you sound.

You can't do an English accent to save yourself, frankly.

Oh, really? Would you like to hear how you sound to me?

Go for it. It doesn't bother me.

(MOCKING) Oh, go for it. It doesn't bother me.

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