Original subtitles

‐ Well, Trump is deploying thousands of armed soldiers

to the border to stop human beings

fleeing danger from legally seeking asylum.

WOMAN: As part of Operation Faithful Patriot,

the Pentagon is sending more than 5,200 troops

to the Southwest border, in addition

to the more than 2,000 National Guard already deployed there.

‐ Operation Faithful Patriot?

That sounds like a direct‐to‐DVD movie

starring Kevin Sorbo about an Army Ranger

who uses the power of prayer to help him gun down brown people.

Good grief. Operation Faithful Patriot.

It is so pandering.

It's like if you had a TV show and you called it...

"I Love You, America." Whatever.

Sending troops to the border or floating the idea

of overturning birthright citizenship‐‐

these are just attempts to motivate his base

right before midterms.

We know it's a ploy because the caravans

aren't even arriving until, the earliest, December,

so for about a month, we're just gonna have, like,

5,000 troops sitting at the border playing Uno.

Playing Uno is what I call jacking off.

The only things this administration

has accomplished in the last two years

is giving massive tax cuts to billionaires

and appointing Crying Calendar Man to the Supreme Court.

Trump knows the only way that they can energize

their base is through fear.

He riles them up by starting a fake fight

with a made‐up enemy.

‐ When you look at that caravan and you look‐‐

of largely, very, you know, big percentage of men,

young, strong, a lot of bad people,

a lot of bad people in there, people that are in gangs.

‐ That's who they're running from!

These are exhausted refugees who have walked

thousands of miles to flee desperate circumstances,

and he is describing them like they're street toughs

from the "Beat It" video.

He starts fake fights that he doesn't have to finish,

because he knows, in one way or another,

someone will finish them for him.

And that is his starring role

in our current epidemic of domestic terrorism.

It's how we end up with 14 bombs to 14 people

he has publicly targeted over and over again.

A racist shooting in Kentucky.

An anti‐Semitic massacre in Pittsburgh.

All in less than a week of announcing

that he is a nationalist.

So next week, you know, think about voting.

We've gotta vote leaders into power

that will see through the fear‐mongering

and the fake panic, because if it's not immigrants,

it'll be the media, and if it's not the media,

it'll be some other made‐up enemy,

or the classic fallback, Jews.

Oh, shit, that reminds me.

I've gotta get ready for the War on Christmas.

Toodles.

[Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ♪

♪ Show us how to conquer first and then divide ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ♪

♪ Used to staying weak ♪

♪ And now we're staying strong ♪

♪ We don't wanna go where we do not belong ♪

♪ Lonely as the day is long, day is long ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

‐ Wow.

Good‐looking crowd. Good‐looking‐‐

Oh. I spoke too soon.

Whether liberal or conservative,

Democrat or Republican, Whig or Tory,

Laurel or Yanny... [laughter]

We can all agree that a representative government

should actually be representative of the people,

that every vote should count equally,

and that those Japanese toilets that shoot warm water

up your asshole should be a right, not a privilege.

[laughter and applause]

We send our representatives

to Washington, D. C., to represent us.

That's representative government.

But us, we, aren't actually being represented.

Every vote is not created equal.

Just look at the Senate.

Every state gets two senators, right?

But the ten least populous states

have an estimated combined population

of 9.3 million people.

Los Angeles County alone has an estimated 10.1 million people.

That's just one county in California.

And yet two senators represent the whole state,

39 1/2 million people.

Or think of this‐‐ Wyoming has two senators

representing 600,000 people.

New York has two senators representing 20 million people.

That's like the difference between a public school

with one guidance counselor for 4,000 students

and a Montessori school with three counselors per Skyler.

[laughter]

The idea of two senators per state

was created as a compromise to entice

the less populated states to join the union.

Yeah, that made sense 240 years ago,

but it doesn't make any sense now.

The reason why the Constitution is a living, breathing document

is because our forefathers knew that as our country grows

and changes, so should our Constitution.

What I'm saying is, our forefathers could not

have anticipated things like Twitter or AR‐15s

or even the concept of a shower.

Things have changed in 240 years.

Like, no one is named Thaddeus anymore.

[laughter]

Maybe I'll bring it back.

Maybe I'll my name my son Thaddeus.

Just kidding, I'm barren.

[laughter]

Major metropolitan areas have high concentrations

of people of color, so people of color end up being

wildly underrepresented in the Senate.

But doddering old white guys,

holy fucking shit, are they represented.

Have you been to the Senate?

The whole place smells like Gold Bond.

[laughter] It really does.

Their balls must hang so low, but when they go low, we go,

"Hi, look at your balls. Are those your balls?

They're so low."

Hey, at least we're represented in the House.

It's literally called the House of Representatives,

so they must be representing us, right?

Wrong. Because even though our population has tripled

since 1911, we still have the same number

of representatives, 435.

There is nothing sacred about the number 435.

There's no reason why it shouldn't change.

If we get more people, raise the number.

The song used to be "Mambo No. 4"

until a little bit of Monica came into his life.

But Lou Bega is a man of progress.

Now, adding to the problem with the House

is the unfair drawing of Congressional districts,

also known as gerrymandering.

Not to be confused with Jerry Seinfeld‐ing,

which is obviously when you get an espresso

with Ray Romano in a Model T.

[laughter]

The way things are, rural America is represented

more than urban America.

More than half of our senators

represent less than 1/5 of the American population.

Plus, D. C. and Puerto Rico have a combined population

of, like, 4 million people

and have no real Congressional representation,

and surprise, surprise, they both have

high populations of people of color.

All they have by way of representation

is one delegate,

and that delegate can't even vote.

These are taxpaying citizens.

Whatever happened to "no taxation

without representation"?

Wasn't that a thing once? Did I dream that?

Puerto Rico and D. C. have the same Congressional

influence as, like, Yogurt Land.

[laughter]

And then there's the electoral college,

which has given us five presidents

who lost the popular vote.

That means five times the will of the American people

was ignored because of our weirdo outdated rules.

I'm still so pissed that Rutherford B. Hayes

became president over Samuel J. Tilden.

#NotMy19thPresident.

[laughter]

Our system of representation is screwy.

It needs to be fixed.

Sixty‐seven percent of Americans support

a ban on assault weapons, and yet the NRA

and the red state politicians they pay have prevented it.

Sixty‐eight percent of Americans believe

corporations who are polluting the planet should be taxed

to offset the damage they're doing,

but Big Oil and the red state politicians

they pay have stopped that.

I mean, 97% of Americans hate piss on toilet seats,

but, you know...

[laughter] Big Pee.

Who are the 3% that love it?

This guy.

[laughter]

Good grief.

Supporting an equal say for all citizens

is as nonpartisan as supporting the troops.

It's not about red states or blue states.

One third of the country is represented

by just eight out of a hundred members of the Senate.

That includes blue California, purple Florida,

red Texas, and Jew New York.

[laughter]

They all should have more senators.

Abraham Lincoln spoke of a government of the people,

by the people, for the people.

It's beautiful. It's the ideal.

But unfortunately, idealism is no match

for the greed and self‐preservation

by today's politicians.

Of course it benefits the citizens of the country

to be properly represented.

Unfortunately, it doesn't

benefit the people sitting in power

when their sole objective is to maintain that power.

They would rather jump through hoops

to ignore people than to hear them.

So what can we do about this?

I know everyone has been shoving the importance

of voting up your assholes for months now.

[laughter]

Like a sweet Japanese toilet.

[cheers and laughter]

It is the single most effective power we have

as citizens, because the only way any of this stuff happens

is if we elect people who are committed

to make the changes we need, like restructuring Congress,

getting special interest money out of Washington,

getting rid of the electoral college,

giving statehood to D. C. and Puerto Rico,

putting an end to gerrymandering‐‐

oh, fuck it, there's just so many things.

Look, liberals, progressives, whatever‐‐

you're gonna have to just move back home.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news.

I know you got out and moved to the coast

so you could let your freak flag fly.

But you all have to go back to your hometowns.

It's the only way.

We have too much red and blue

and not enough purple.

We gotta flood the red areas, like locusts.

Like locusts carrying vegan banh mis and oatmeal and NPR.

[laughter and applause]

So if you can do so safely and you can bear the thought

of having to get your Mason jar cocktails at Chili's...

[laughter]

Then please move back to your hometown.

MAN: Paid for by Conservative Mothers

of Liberal 30‐Year‐Olds.

WOMAN: Come home!

[laughter and applause]

And I know you're probably thinking,

"Hey, what about you, Sarah?

You're from New Hampshire, but now you live in Hollywood."

Yeah. I'm a hypocrite.

[laughter]

I love it here. My bathtub is here.

Oh, yeah, and I've got a show to shoot.

I can't help it if I have my own TV show.

All right, I'm done, clap.

[cheers and applause]

Later on, I have an interview with future governor

of California Gavin Newsom.

You want a tease? Yes, please.

I just really want to‐‐ I want to, like,

get into the politics of California

and, like, pick your brain about it

and lick your teeth

and just, like, figure out how you compartmental�

� What? What?

‐ What? ‐ What?

‐ Lick what?

‐ Oh. I want to pick your brain.

‐ "Pick your brain," on California,

but then you said what?

‐ I want to lick your teeth?

‐ Did you say that?

‐ Yeah. GAVIN: What?

SARAH: It's like a saying.

Like I want to lick your teeth.

GAVIN: Pick your brain, I get.

‐ Pick your brain.

‐ Talk about California. ‐ Talk about California.

‐ But lick your teeth?

‐ Yeah, I want to lick your teeth.

‐ [chuckles]

What?

‐ "What? What?"

I don't know how to‐‐

What do I do with this guy?

‐ You guys, I found Jesus.

He was at the polls! Take a look.

‐ We're gonna need some other form of ID.

I'm just trying to do my job.

‐ I know you're being helpful,

but this is the only form of ID I have.

‐ This doesn't even look like you.

‐ The photo was restored by a woman

who I know for a fact was doing the best she could

with what she's been given.

‐ Jesus?

JESUS: Sarah! My child, how are you?

‐ I'm great, how are you? ‐ Doing good.

Did you do something new with your hair?

‐ No. ‐ New shirt.

‐ No. ‐ Shave your beard?

‐ What? Aren't you supposed to be omniscient?

‐ [sighs] Divinity fail!

[both laugh]

‐ Anyway, it's so great

you made it out to the midterms.

Did you vote yet?

‐ No, um, this guy is kind of busting

my God balls a little bit.

‐ Are God balls different than regular balls?

‐ Uh, they're similar.

Instead of being filled with semen,

they're filled with clouds.

‐ That's kind of beautiful.

I bet, like, ejaculating must be, like, amazing.

‐ It's actually quite painful.

‐ Oh. Sorry.

Um...

Important midterms, huh?

Are you hoping for a blue wave?

‐ I don't want to say who I'm voting for.

‐ Come on, you've gotta have some key issues

that are driving your vote this year.

‐ I just want a law that says you can't force your kid

to die publicly by bleeding to death on a cross.

‐ I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

‐ Yeah, now. ‐ [laughs]

So what's your take on, like, the immigration situation?

‐ Immigration, well, we live in a nation

where they'll let a Middle Eastern guy

into their hearts but not into the country.

I mean, ThingsThatMakeYouGoMm?

[both laugh]

SARAH: Right?

It's so fucked up. Sorry.

‐ Come on. I curse all the time.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Damn. Piss. Hell.

Bastard. Shit.

Sidenote, why is "shit" a curse, right?

It's just another word for poop.

SARAH: It's just a word for poop. Thank you!

Oh, my God, I'm always thinking that.

JESUS: I know. ‐ [giggles]

You are cool... and smart...

and cute.

You know, I wish‐‐ oh, this is stupid‐‐

I mean, I almost wish that you weren't,

like, celibate or asexual.

‐ Actually, I'm not. I'm essentially pansexual.

I love everyone and everything.

In fact, I had mind‐blowing sex with an oak tree the other day.

Actually, Sarah, can you help me with something?

I'm trying to figure out‐‐ with these ballots,

who do I vote for for, like,

county clerk or lieutenant governor?

‐ Oh. You know what I do?

I just, like, do a little research online.

Like, there are so many people

posting helpful information on social media.

Like, you know Ilana Glazer?

‐ No, who's that?

‐ From "Broad City."

‐ "Broad City." Yes!

‐ Yes! Yeah. [laughs]

She's liberal like me.

And you, your ideals are‐‐

well, they seem very liberal to me.

‐ Well, I don't want to pick sides,

but let's just say I brew my own kombucha.

‐ Right.

Plus, you love trees.

You are literally a tree hugger.

A tree fucker.

‐ Everyone is my type.

I'm literally attracted to everyone.

‐ No. ‐ Yes.

‐ You can't be attracted to everyone.

‐ Yes, I can. ‐ Swoosie Kurtz.

‐ Swoosie Kurtz? Of course, come on.

‐ Well, yeah, she's attractive. ‐ Yeah.

‐ What about the dancing guy from the Six Flags commercials?

‐ I'm getting hard just picturing him.

‐ No, you're not. ‐ I am.

SARAH: Steve Bannon. ‐ Steve Bannon. Hmm.

[laughter]

Yes, of course!

I love all forms of human

because I am all forms of human.

Watch this.

[ethereal twinkling]

‐ Whoa, Seattle Storm point guard Sue Bird!

‐ Yep. I take many forms.

‐ She is amazing. I am a huge fan.

‐ I know, me too.

Um, I probably can't shoot like her.

Or can I?

[heavenly choral music]

Did I make it? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ You know liars go to hell, right?

‐ Is that true? ‐ No. Hell is just a construct.

[ethereal twinkling]

‐ Whoa, there he is.

By the way, my dad loves "Bosch."

‐ My dad loves "Bosch" too.

‐ Dads love "Bosch."

‐ I'm just gonna check in really quick.

Um, excuse me.

Are you sure I'm not in the system?

[profound, ethereal music]

♪ ♪

[cymbal shimmering]

‐ Oh, there you are.

Jesus Callahan.

You're good to go.

JESUS: All right, thank you.

‐ Good luck, Jesus.

JESUS: Thank you!

‐ I'm checking in. Sarah Silverman.

MAN: Okay.

You're all set.

You can use his booth when he's done.

JESUS: I'm done. She's all yours.

I'm outie.

[heavenly choral music]

♪ ♪

Ooh. Ugh.

[ceiling thudding]

‐ You know, I can see

your God balls from here.

‐ Oh. Well, don't look.

SARAH: They're in the sky.

Like clouds.

I mean, how often does that‐‐ well, maybe a lot.

‐ Sarah, it was great to see you.

‐ And also with you.

‐ Well, see you later.

♪ ♪

[ceiling thuds] Come on.

‐ Gavin Newsom. Ever heard of him?

No?!

He's gonna be the next

governor of California, bro!

Check it out.

Listen, let's get right into this.

GAVIN: Are we ready? Let's do it.

‐ I'm sitting here with Gavin Newsom.

Hot shit.

Lieutenant Governor.

Former mayor of San Francisco.

I could go on and on.

He's gonna be the next governor of California.

He's sitting across from me. He's looking at me right now.

GAVIN: Staring.

Staring you down.

‐ Let's get right into this.

You are dyslexic. ‐ Yeah.

‐ How did that shape you, being dyslexic?

‐ Everything.

Worst thing that ever happened to me when I was a child.

Best thing that ever happened to me as an adult.

See the world differently. You're more empathetic.

I think you're more collaborative, more caring.

You don't‐‐ you can't see the world

the same way everybody else sees it,

so you can't "compete" in that world.

So you find your own path.

Find different ways of looking at problems,

solving problems.

You're willing to take risks.

You're willing to make mistakes.

Willing to learn from them.

'Cause you're good at making mistakes.

But if you can get through that,

without giving up, sky's the limit.

‐ Yeah, if you can get past that adversity‐‐

I don't know if you look at it as adversity,

I don't know, but like‐‐ ‐ Yeah.

‐ So many comedians are dyslexic.

GAVIN: It's interesting.

‐ And they've become great spontaneous speakers

because of that.

‐ Because they have no choice. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah, and that's‐‐ I mean, politically,

it's a burden, though, to be candid,

so if you gave me a speech to read,

good luck, not gonna happen.

If I looked down at a speech, I literally would lose‐‐

if I had to look back up‐‐ lose my space on the page.

Not a chance, so, only speeches I read

have to be in a teleprompter,

but I'll spend easily an hour for a five‐minute speech.

‐ So we have a president. His name is Donald Trump.

He‐‐he's given you a lot of shit.

He called you a clown.

He, like‐‐your stance on, you know,

not wanting a wall or wanting health care for all,

you know, he gives you a lot of shit about that.

GAVIN: Yeah. ‐ Are you hurt? I mean...

‐ I am part of his stump speech lately,

so we're getting under his skin for a reason.

He's just met his match.

With all due respect, we're California.

It's just a different thing.

I mean, we are the ultimate un‐Trump state.

And this state celebrates its diversity.

He doesn't tolerate it.

This state is happy and prideful

about its low‐carbon green growth strategies.

This state will happily push back,

enthusiastically push back on Trump.

‐ It's funny, too, because a lot of

Republican politicians weaponize California.

‐ They wouldn't be weaponizing

if this state was a failed state.

What's really problematic for the right,

for all my friends on Fox News and others,

is that we're proving at scale that everything

they've been saying for years and years is flat out wrong.

We're not asserting it. We're proving it.

We took a $27 billion budget deficit,

have the highest rainy‐day reserves

in our state's history.

Twenty‐seven percent of the state foreign‐born.

A state that's brought in 112,000 refugees

in the last 15 years.

No one does what we do at scale.

‐ California's so great with environmental stuff,

environmental law, all that stuff,

and yet we don't have any water.

‐ We're making a lot of progress on water.

Interestingly, Orange County has a toilet‐to‐tap system

that's the envy of the entire planet,

meaning no one does what they're doing in Orange County.

‐ Hold on, what does toilet‐to‐tap mean?

That doesn't sound appetizing to me.

‐ It doesn't sound appetizing, but it shows

how efficient and effective technology

and a willingness to be resourceful

at a time of declining resources

and water resources‐‐

but basically taking dirty water

and providing a framework to clean that water,

use that water for‐‐

I‐I can't say this with you looking at me that way.

‐ I'm just saying, you're saying, like,

you're taking, like, doody water and drinking it?

‐ We're drinking it. ‐ Putting it through a Brita?

‐ A little bit more intense than a Brita.

‐ Can't we say, like, bath‐to‐tap or something?

‐ I know, it doesn't‐‐ it's not a good slogan.

‐ I get it, it's, like, a T‐T‐T alliterative,

it's catchy, but it's‐‐

‐ It's not good. You're right.

Now you have expressed a strong point of view.

‐ How about, like, diarrhea water?

‐ That's absolutely not‐‐ ‐ That you can drink?

‐ That's not gonna happen.

‐ Put it on a T‐shirt,

and it says "Vote Gavin Newsom."

‐ Yeah. [laughs]

The Trump administration will love that.

Yes.

SARAH: All right.

Let me ask you this. You're so progressive.

You've always been ahead of the curve

as mayor of San Francisco

with marriage equality, with... weed.

With the environment.

What are you chewing on next?

Like, what is kind of the next thing for you?

‐ I mean, the most important thing,

and it‐‐ you lose folks on this‐‐

but it's the new brain science that's come in, zero to three.

‐ What does that mean? Are you about to explain it?

‐ Eighty‐five percent of the brain is formed

by the time you're just three years old.

Billions of neurons that are connecting,

they start pruning by the age of four.

So much of our time, energy, money is spent

trying to solve problems after they manifest

as opposed to preventing

the problems in the first place.

‐ Formative years.

‐ And so it's infant and toddler care,

not just preschool.

‐ Let me ask you this, switching gears.

GAVIN: Yes.

‐ That was, like, a very professional

kind of thing to say.

‐ Unbelievable.

‐ How do you reconcile how you feel

about money in politics

with the realities of money in politics?

‐ Yeah, and I've raised a ton of money.

There was $119 million spent in our primary.

And I'm out there doing three, four fund raisers a day.

‐ Jesus fucking Christ. ‐ So it's absurd.

Money in‐‐it's the answer to every single question.

Whatever you have, whatever critique,

whatever question you have as to why

something is the way it is,

there's one thing in common, it's money in politics.

Just a fact.

That fundamentally is the issue

that defines all other issues.

And here I am talking about money in politics,

and literally, no exaggeration, after this,

I'm going to do three fund raisers.

Three. Today.

And I'm committed, if I'm successful as governor,

to advance efforts on clean money

and figure out a way to have public financing of campaigns.

It's just absurd. It's past absurd now.

‐ That's what I say to anyone.

I won't even try to change your mind.

Just see who benefits from taking this‐‐their stances.

‐ Yeah, why don't we have universal health care?

Follow the money. Obvious.

Why do we have poverty rates as high as we have?

Follow the money. Look at the incentives.

For bad behavior,

perverse incentives for bad behavior,

everything makes sense if you follow the money.

‐ You're not afraid of Republicans.

You were married to one. Your in‐laws are them.

GAVIN: My in‐laws, yeah. I know.

‐ How does that help you? I think that‐‐

‐ Completely. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah, no, I mean, again,

you gotta be able to see the world

with a different set of eyes.

You have to be empathetic.

You gotta understand where they're coming from.

And look, the lens to which a lot of my family members,

my in‐laws, see the world is exclusively through

the editorial pages of the "Wall Street Journal"

and Fox News, and so I forgive them.

I get it. ‐ Yeah.

GAVIN: But the point of emphasis

is an understanding and empathy of why we're talking

past each other, often down to each other,

and at a certain point, enough's enough.

Something's gonna have to give.

I'm in a prism of partisanship and a campaign for governor

with a hand‐picked candidate that Donald Trump tapped

on the shoulder to get in a runoff.

So we're certainly in a different dynamic,

but hopefully there's some healing process beyond that.

‐ Yeah, it doesn't seem like there's much

bringing us together.

Like, used to be like,

"Oh, baby Jessica in a well."

‐ I mean, perversely, war was a shared experience.

And we've lost sight of citizenship.

Active, not inert citizenship.

It's not you vote, I decide.

It's about two‐way conversations,

and I think there's a sweet spot

with citizenship where we can focus

on the collective, the commonwealth,

the things that bind us together.

‐ The blue wave, is it? ‐ Happening.

‐ It is? ‐ I just finished a bus tour.

Eight days. Twenty‐three rallies.

Fifteen candidates.

Not just standing room only.

Standing room out in the parking lots.

The energy is off the charts.

I have no, no stress, no anxiety

around what's gonna happen on election day.

‐ You are so goyim.

GAVIN: We're gonna take back the House.

It's gonna happen.

‐ Well, we did it.

We had an incredible conversation‐‐

‐ We got through it. ‐ And barely sipped our drinks.

Congratulations on becoming governor.

‐ Knock on wood. One more week.

‐ Oh, now you get a little Jewish, knock on wood.

You're sure there's a blue wave.

‐ I am sure of that. ‐ But I don't know about me.

GAVIN: [laughs]

‐ Well, good luck, I'll be voting for you.

‐ Thank you, I appreciate it.

[cheers and applause]

‐ Well, that's the show.

Thanks to Fred Armisen, Sue Bird, and Gavin Newsom,

and now it's time for some sleep.

Just gonna put my sleep tape on,

and off to bed.

Good night, America.

I don't always like you, but I lurve you.

Mm.

[soothing ambient music]

MAN: You're getting tired.

You're so... famous.

[laughter] And no one

will ever tire of your youthful

yet age‐appropriate ponytail

that you waggle.

No one can tell that you're Jewish.

Not one person.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

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