Original subtitles

? Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ?

? Show us how to conquer first and then divide ?

? Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ?

? Used to staying weak ?

? And now we're staying strong ?

? We don't wanna go where we do not belong ?

? Lonely as the day is long, day is long ?

Hey, it's my buddy and yours,

Sarah Silverman!

- Hi!

Hi, crowd.

Oh, my God. You guys are the best.

You guys are the second best. All right, settle in.

I'm gonna tell you my monologue now.

It's my birthday this week.

And...

Indeed, it is the anniversary

of the first time I got my shit together

and moved out of my mother's body.

She was 17...

years younger than I am now.

It's so sad.

And I still feel like if I had a baby,

it would be babies having babies, like...

even though I am almost positively barren.

But...

And don't get me wrong, I love kids.

To an insane degree.

Like you know how some guys have a rubber neck

over, like, juicy butts or whatever?

That's me with babies.

Like if a toddler strolls by me, I'm like...

Bllllllbbbbb... ah-ooga!

You know, it's... you know, that sounds...

I don't mean that in a sexual...

It's very... We live in...

we live in a time where I should be

very, very clear about this.

I just mean when kids are near me,

I get really excited. That also sounds wrong.

I'm, um, I'm saying that I...

I like looking at strangers' children.

Fuck! No! What I'm saying is

that I'm running for Senator of Alabama.

This just...

It's... Keeps coming out wrong.

I love kids, in a maternal way, like...

I just love them, like, they're so cute,

I wanna fucking eat their fucking cheeks.

And I'm good with kids.

I have so many bits that kill with kids.

This is where I really shine with babies,

because I'm so committed.

When they're like, "Again," I'm like, no problem.

"Again!" You got it.

"Again!" I'm three steps ahead of you,

baby. I just freebased a Red Bull.

I don't get tired. You get tired.

That said, loving kids and having kids of your own

are two very different things.

The thought of having my own baby completely paralyzes me.

How do people have kids so easily?

It's such a huge decision. It's fucking forever.

Even the logistics... I'll sit in my apartment

and be like, okay, so... that would be its room?

And I guess I'd buy food for it and clothes for it.

And then I'd have to figure out like a school for it, and...

Oh, my God, why did I name it "it"?

That's my first mistake.

You know, a few summers ago, I did a tour

with a bunch of comedians, and it was really fun.

And it was at a time when I was really struggling

about never having had kids, you know,

like at a real crossroads.

And one of my comedian friends, a man, was like,

"Sarah, you'd be the best mom.

You should do it, it's easy!"

And I was like, really?

"Who's watching your two-year-old right now

"and for the next eight weeks of this tour,

You fucking dick?"

Who is... who is my friend and who I love.

And I know that comedy guys who say this kind of thing,

they mean well. They love me.

They're my brothers.

I just... I wish they would consider the fact

that it is different for women.

And they're not aware of it,

because they've simply never had to be aware of it.

And it's that blissful ignorance

about our different realities

that drives me a little bananas cuckoo.

Like telling me "it's easy"

is like me telling Stephen Hawking:

"Oh, my God, you know what you would love?

Going like this..."

"It's so easy, Stephen! Just do this!"

If I could be the kind of parent my guy friends are,

I would do it in a fucking second.

If I could be a fun dad,

I would have done that years ago.

I'd still get to put my job and my passion first

and be on the road and then come home and be

the best version of myself in loving 40-minute bursts.

Yes, I would love to do that.

If I had a partner who wanted to stay at home

and be the primary caregiver, I would be so down.

I just, unfortunately,

am not attracted to cuck pussies.

I do love kids. I love kids.

But I also really love what I do.

Which is... anything I want. All of the time.

Don't get me wrong. I know I'm the anomaly.

You know, most women my age

have both children and jobs,

and I'm in awe of them.

And they always get the same question:

"How do you balance your life as a working mom?"

When was the last time a man was asked

how he manages it all as a working dad?

Have you ever even heard someone talk about

or even mention the words, "working dad"?

I do think we should start, though.

Are you a, um, are you a dad?

Do you have kids?

- I am. - And do you have a job?

- I do. - Oh! That is amazing!

- Thank you. - Wow!

You guys, a working dad!

I don't know how you do it!

Working father in the audience.

It's an honor to...

Men really can have it all.

That's amazing.

What is this monologue about?

Um... yeah, I guess it's about double standards.

But it's also about understanding

that different people have different realities.

Like right now I'm realizing

that this monologue is extremely heteronormative,

a tad bit Sarah-centric as well, uh...

and downright laugh-tastic.

But, you know, I'm trying. I'm trying to be aware of that.

And really, that's all I'm talking about.

Like when I see Stephen Hawking now,

I'll just say, "Oh, my God, you know what you would love?"

"Solving the problems of the universe

whilst moving just your eyes a little bit."

Look, it's hard. It's hard to be a person.

And regardless of who raised you,

we all started off the same way...

As innocent babies.

Check out these baby pictures. Okay, this is a picture of me.

- Okay. Ohh... - Aw!

- I was the cutest kid.

Back then no one would've said

that little girl would someday grow up

to become a divisive comedian

who's very much not everybody's cup of tea.

Okay, um, here's Allan.

Okay, this is our terrific Director on the show.

Allan Kartun. - And ready, back to two,

and take.

-

Adorable.

Oh, here's one.

Aw!

This one melts my heart.

Can you believe it? It's Hitler.

Babies are cute. They're born innocent.

I saw you. You were like...

"Oh, my God!"

Yeah!

He was like a super-cute baby.

Assholes don't start out assholes.

They blossom into assholes.

We start out as dreamers.

Just take a look at these lil' dreamers.

Cool. Can you hop up here?

I'm gonna hold it, so that way it doesn't tip over.

Okay, so what do you wanna be

when you grow up?

- Oh, my God.

Weren't those kids adorable?

Kills me. Adorable, adorable

colossal assholes.

What is that?

What the... I'm sorry.

Am I interrupting something important?

I doubt it!

You're in "The Mather Zone" now!

- Hey, it's your good friend Mather!

Hello, sheeple!

The lame-streaming media told me

that I wasn't needed anymore.

And I was like, oh, boo-hoo.

No more playing the beta bitch?

Beta bitch! - Yeah, I'm okay with that.

You won't see me playing second fiddle

to some skirt with a vajayjay like, um...

- ever! - Bye!

- Because, baby, I am all that

and a bag of chips.

See, white men are under attack, boo-boo.

I've been tuning into the manisphere,

so consider this my red pill moment.

I've unplugged from the shestem,

and I'm not taking orders from females anymore!

See, I'm not the problem.

Sarah "Enslave All Men" is the problem!

I was her...

That's not racist!

Well, now this white man is fighting back

and exposing her for what she is...

The Hitler of female talk show hosts

of streaming TV.

- Ha ha. I just realized I could do that.

Whew...

- I guess, uh... - Whoo!

- Apparently, Mather... hacked into the system.

And by the way, there are only two female hosts

on streaming TV, so basically he's saying

that I'm the Hitler of me and Chelsea Handler.

I can't believe he said I'm racist against white guys.

That's crazy! Some of my best friends are white guys.

Look, I... You know, it'd be easy to get mad,

but the truth is, like...

I care about Mather, you know?

We started out together.

We were both interns on the "Jenny Jones Show."

I'm gonna... In the meantime, I will.

I'll have to find a replacement,

but, you know, I do hope he'll be back.

Oh, and we'll be back, right after this.

- If I weren't a comedian,

I'd probably be a schoolteacher.

I always thought I'd be good at that.

But after this next piece, I know I was wrong.

I'm great at it.

The education system is suffering in myriad ways,

and that is a real word that I used correctly.

Teachers are overworked. Resources are strapped.

There's too many kids per classroom.

Plus, they're teaching the wrong stuff.

They're not teaching life lessons,

like how to not be an asshole.

So I came to this school in Brooklyn to impart my wisdom.

Come to expect it.

My name is Sarah Silverman.

I'm your substitute teacher today.

I want you to take your books,

throw them out the window, right?

Don't really, though.

I don't wanna get in trouble with them.

But what I do want you to throw out the window...

All your preconceived notions, all right?

'Cause that's not what today's gonna be about.

Who knows what preconceived notions are?

- A preconceived notion is a false assumption or idea

made by stereotypes or general concepts,

not necessarily based off of fact.

- Holy shit.

Yeah. That's good, uh...

That's definitely correct.

- Thank you. - All right.

Let's talk about the basics you need for life.

Lesson number one... Don't have a shitty handshake.

It's gotta be firm, it's gotta be strong,

it's gotta be confident. No wet pieces of bread.

Hey, what's up? I'm Sarah. - Nice to meet you.

- A-plus.

Hey, what's up? I'm Sarah. - Hey, I'm Jeremy.

- Nice to meet you. - I love it.

- Thank you. - It felt like home.

Something in that handshake felt like home.

Oh, no!

Oh, my God! What happened to you?

Who did this?!

- I was doing parkour, and I was climbing a wall.

- Do you, like...

jump from buildings and stuff and do...

- I haven't gotten to that point yet.

- Yeah, well, let's master a wall.

All right. One of the most important life skills...

Job interviews.

Let's role play. Terik.

What do you have to offer this company?

- I can offer

not only my own expertise

but my personality.

- I've been told I'm pretty cool.

- I can bring snacks. Everyone likes snacks.

- All right. You guys don't get it.

I'll show you how it's done. You interview me.

Um...

Why do you want to work for me?

- 'Cause I'm awesome.

All right. My other lessons for you.

Before you judge somebody, think about

how they didn't choose the life they were given.

And then also, don't be a dick.

Okay, this one's important: Battle of the Bulge.

This was the last major German offensive campaign

of World War II.

Here's how to cheat:

Study and read the books

and then just know all the information,

and then you'll know all the answers.

Sex education... This is the uterus.

That's a fallopian tube. I think that's like...

- It's an ear. - What?

- It's an ear. - That's an ear.

- Yeah. So the pee definitely doesn't come out of that.

Another thing.

So you order the appetizers for the whole table.

Who's paying for it? You are.

You ordered the extra buffalo wings,

you ordered the onion rings for "the table."

It's on you... don't be cheap. It's tacky.

Also, other people exist.

Something to keep in the back of your mind.

Hold off on starting a podcast

until you really, really think you've got something good.

This one's for the girls. You guys come with me.

Empowerment. There's so many ways to express yourself.

This is just one, my favorite,

and I'm giving it to you.

Dip...

and then speak your truth.

You're not the boss of me!

Any questions?

- Eat this!

Whoo!

- My body, my choice.

- Yes! - Whoo!

- God is a woman!

- These... are weapons.

- I fuckin' love science!

- No, I won't read your script!

- You should have canceled "The Office" after season five!

- Monica Lewinsky was only 24 when all that stuff happened.

She was only a child!

- Wow. I came here to get my teach on,

but it turned out the students got their teach on me.

All over me.

I'm covered in teach.

- My guest tonight is an ironworker,

a veteran, a single dad,

and a Democrat running against House Speaker Paul Ryan

in next year's midterm election.

Please welcome "IronStache" himself, Randy Bryce.

Hello, Randy Bryce. - Hi. Thank you for having me.

- Okay. I have this written down.

You are a dad,

a union leader.

You're Polish and you're Mexican,

and your sister's a teacher and your dad's a cop.

And you're a cancer survivor,

and you're adopted, and you're a veteran.

You're literally everyone in America!

Honestly...

if you were also disabled and a lesbian,

you would have this whole thing in the bag,

which maybe you should consider.

- I support those people.

- Ohh...

You've been an ironworker for decades

in Wisconsin.

And now you're running

in one of the highest profile races in the country.

What made you decide to run?

- Well, I'd been involved in politics,

especially for the last decade.

A lot of change has come to the state of Wisconsin

with Governor Walker being elected

and these extremist Republicans

that have just proceeded to shred everything

that was once good about our state.

And it got to the point where

it's a fear of what happened in Wisconsin

taking place on a national level,

and I just had enough.

And... and I'd been standing up for stuff,

and who better than me to take it on?

- Yeah.

So, uh... you're running

in the 1st District of Wisconsin.

What is that, the southeast...

- Southeast. - Part of Wisconsin.

And you're... You grew up there. That's where you're from.

- Right. - So, like, what can you

tell me about the 1st District of Wisconsin?

- It's... I mean, traditionally, a lot of hard-working people

just like you'd see anyplace else

in the rest of the country.

It used to be a manufacturing center.

There used to be a lot of autoworker jobs.

There's a huge plant in Janesville,

right in Paul Ryan's backyard,

that's just being overgrown with weeds and things now.

And it's a lotta hard-work...

A G.E. plant just moved up to Canada.

So a lotta people...

There used to be a lotta good jobs,

and they're all disappearing, and nobody's doing anything

to help, you know, keep the good-paying jobs that we have.

- You know, on the surface, you could...

If I were to see a picture of you...

Maybe be like someone who looks like you voted for Trump.

And, um... that is

very superficial of me.

- Yes. - Um, but, yeah...

You're a guy...

You know, a lot of your campaigning,

you were talking to Trump voters.

Like, what are you hearing from them?

What are they saying? - People that voted for Trump

saying... I mean, there's a lotta them

that voted for Obama as well.

Some have voted for Bernie and then voted for Trump...

That were just fed up with

the establishment in Washington, D. C.,

the way that things are.

They liked the Trump message of

he was gonna drain the swamp.

The only thing they weren't ready for

was what he's gonna put back in the swamp,

and it's a lot more toxic than swamp water.

- Yeah. - And they're having

all kinds of buyer's remorse from 'em.

The people on the job site, when they see me coming,

the ones... the few that I know voted for Trump,

they'll hide behind a column, first of all.

But when I'll catch 'em, I'll say,

"This is gonna be a really short conversation"

if you can answer one question.

"What promise did Trump make to you that he kept?"

And... and that's the whole thing.

People are waking up, seeing that he hasn't...

He hasn't made any promise that he intended on keeping.

And the same people that say they voted for Trump

because they wanted to have a change in Washington, D. C.,

see Paul Ryan as part of that, a main part of the problem.

- Paul Ryan, uh...

he has won by a huge margin for two decades there.

And you've run for a few things over the years

and have not won.

How are you gonna win this?

- You know, using the Bernie model,

coming out and saying what you stand for

and where you're not gonna be, you know,

where you're not gonna be bought off.

I mean, early in the campaign we said we're not gonna accept

any money from fossil fuels,

we're not gonna accept any money from Wall Street,

And that seemed to follow that...

- Yeah.

- We know we're not gonna outraise or outspend Paul Ryan,

but what's he gonna spend money on,

getting people to know who he is?

- Yeah. - Everybody knows who he is.

It's gonna be getting enough money to get our message out,

which we're well on our way to doing.

We've done polling that shows that when people...

We have a positive statement of him

versus a positive statement of me,

that we're actually up by 3 points.

- That's amazing.

So, uh... Here's a big one.

What does this tax plan mean for the average American?

- It means if you're somebody like me

or making under $75,000,

even under $100,000, you're gonna get screwed.

And any benefit that's gonna be put in there

for people that aren't billionaires...

And that's basically what's gonna happen

is billionaires... The richest people

are gonna get richer,

and the rest of us are gonna get screwed.

Same thing that's happened since Ronald Reagan came in

when, you know, he took the tax rate from 70%

down to 40% for the richest people.

And look how the income inequality has just...

It's blown up since then.

It's gonna be a horrible thing,

and they're not shy about getting it done.

They've even had... you know, some of them have come out and

said that if we don't get this passed,

our donors aren't gonna contribute anymore.

- Yeah. It's all about the donors.

It's all about the oligarchs. I looked that up once,

and now I say it all the time with aplomb.

You know, thank you for running for office.

Running for office is something

that I can't imagine how punishing that is.

Like, how do we get more people,

good people like you, to run?

- Don't tell them how punishing it is, for one.

Um...

No, actually, I... It's something... You know,

people... I'll get a message on Twitter or something,

"Hey, Randy, I'm in North Carolina.

Can you send one of your brothers down here?"

And I'm like, "What about you?"

You live in North Carolina. Obviously, you care

because you're asking about somebody to run.

Why don't you think about it

and let me help get your message out?

Let me amplify your message.

And that's going on throughout the country

through social media... People are seeing

other working people that wanna step up,

and we're getting behind each other and giving them support.

- It's so important. I think if Trump gave us anything,

he made it so people went, "I can fucking do that."

Randy, thank you so much.

- Thank you so much. - You're amazing.

Randy Bryce, everybody. - Thank you.

- Wow.

Obviously, I'd love it if Mather were here

to wrap up the show, but in the meantime,

we did find a temporary replacement.

So, Jimmy, take us home.

- Thanks a lot. That is our show.

Thank you for watching. My apologies to Matt Damon.

We did run out of time for him.

Good night, America. Sarah "lurves" you.

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