All language subtitles for I Love You America s01e03 Al Franken.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,046 --> 00:00:04,717 - How long has it been... 2 00:00:04,718 --> 00:00:05,802 since we've seen each other? 3 00:00:05,803 --> 00:00:07,138 I mean, you're busy here. 4 00:00:07,139 --> 00:00:08,808 - I'm very busy. 5 00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,687 - I got, you know... I'm busy in Washington 6 00:00:10,688 --> 00:00:12,900 and the Senate. - Right. 7 00:00:12,901 --> 00:00:15,488 - So when was the last time we saw each other? 8 00:00:15,489 --> 00:00:17,242 - Democratic National Convention. 9 00:00:17,243 --> 00:00:19,162 - Oh, jeez. Oh, right, right. 10 00:00:19,163 --> 00:00:21,626 Oh, God, I'm just haunted by that. 11 00:00:21,627 --> 00:00:23,505 I mean, I thought what we did was fine, 12 00:00:23,506 --> 00:00:25,299 but if we-- You know, I can't think-- 13 00:00:25,300 --> 00:00:27,428 If I just had come up... 14 00:00:27,429 --> 00:00:30,309 with the right combination of words, you know, 15 00:00:30,310 --> 00:00:31,938 that maybe... 16 00:00:31,939 --> 00:00:33,733 maybe it would have made the difference. 17 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:36,405 - You can't beat yourself up about it, you know? 18 00:00:36,406 --> 00:00:38,450 There's nothing you could have said. 19 00:00:38,451 --> 00:00:40,079 You're not that influential. 20 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,292 [laughter] - So comedy-- 21 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,296 staying in comedy. That was the right... 22 00:00:44,297 --> 00:00:47,135 thing for you, you think? - Yeah, I have belly laughs, 23 00:00:47,136 --> 00:00:49,472 and it's about truth, and I care about truth. 24 00:00:49,473 --> 00:00:51,184 And it's... you know, I mean... - Yeah. 25 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,606 - That's why you got into government, 26 00:00:53,607 --> 00:00:56,445 because it's about truth. 27 00:00:56,446 --> 00:00:59,410 [laughter] - [softly] Yeah... 28 00:01:01,915 --> 00:01:03,668 Oh, oh! Thank you, thank you. 29 00:01:03,669 --> 00:01:05,881 - Oh, do you wanna split it, or... 30 00:01:05,882 --> 00:01:08,427 - Uh, you know, I insist. - Oh... 31 00:01:08,428 --> 00:01:10,473 - I insist on you paying it. 32 00:01:10,474 --> 00:01:12,352 [laughter] - Oh, me pay. 33 00:01:12,353 --> 00:01:15,232 - Yeah. 'Cause I'm a Senator, no one can buy me dinner. 34 00:01:15,233 --> 00:01:17,696 Right? 'Cause it's like a bribe or something. 35 00:01:17,697 --> 00:01:19,700 - Right. - Except for people 36 00:01:19,701 --> 00:01:22,748 who knew me before I ran for office. 37 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,167 And we knew each other, of course, 38 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,712 when you were at "Saturday Night Live"... 39 00:01:25,713 --> 00:01:27,298 - But did we know each other that well? 40 00:01:27,299 --> 00:01:28,802 - No, not well, but it doesn't matter. 41 00:01:28,803 --> 00:01:32,183 I insist... that all my friends... 42 00:01:32,184 --> 00:01:34,772 buy me, uh... meals. 43 00:01:34,773 --> 00:01:36,693 - Okay. No, I can do that. 44 00:01:36,694 --> 00:01:38,362 'Cause they let me just sign for it here. 45 00:01:38,363 --> 00:01:39,907 - And leave a really good tip, 46 00:01:39,908 --> 00:01:41,536 'cause she's Scandinavian-looking... 47 00:01:41,537 --> 00:01:43,288 - Oh, yeah. - And she might have family 48 00:01:43,289 --> 00:01:46,044 back in Minnesota. She might be one of these... 49 00:01:46,045 --> 00:01:48,173 "You know who gave me a big tip?" 50 00:01:48,174 --> 00:01:51,597 - Sarah Silverman. - Yes. Who was with Al Franken. 51 00:01:51,598 --> 00:01:52,975 And they go, "Oh!" 52 00:01:52,976 --> 00:01:54,854 - Al, do me a favor. 53 00:01:54,855 --> 00:01:56,983 I'd love it if you looked into, uh... 54 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:59,530 looked into this camera... - Mm-hmm. 55 00:01:59,531 --> 00:02:03,454 - And said, like, "coming up on the show 56 00:02:03,455 --> 00:02:05,124 "is dah-dah-dah-dah-dah." - Okay. 57 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,669 - You know, something like that. 58 00:02:06,670 --> 00:02:08,380 - Coming up on the show... 59 00:02:08,381 --> 00:02:10,092 What do you mean is "dah-dah-dah-dah-dah"? 60 00:02:10,093 --> 00:02:12,848 - Well, we don't know-- This is a pre-tape, 61 00:02:12,849 --> 00:02:14,727 and we don't know, uh, where it will-- 62 00:02:14,728 --> 00:02:16,396 you know, what episode it'll land on, 63 00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:18,317 so you don't really know what you would say, 64 00:02:18,318 --> 00:02:19,737 but if you just move your mouth... 65 00:02:19,738 --> 00:02:21,616 [silence] and then we'll just-- 66 00:02:21,617 --> 00:02:23,703 - And someone will fill it in? - Yeah, I can fill it in. 67 00:02:23,704 --> 00:02:26,584 [weird voice] Tonight on the show... 68 00:02:26,585 --> 00:02:28,755 Sarah interviews-- - That's your impression of me? 69 00:02:28,756 --> 00:02:30,717 - Mostly just the physical. - That was your impression 70 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:33,013 of me? - [weird voice] Tonight... 71 00:02:33,014 --> 00:02:34,892 - Okay, I got it. - That's your impression 72 00:02:34,893 --> 00:02:37,271 of me? - [laughs] Okay. 73 00:02:37,272 --> 00:02:39,442 Tonight on the show we have... 74 00:02:39,443 --> 00:02:40,904 [Sarah, weird voice] Halloween costumes, 75 00:02:40,905 --> 00:02:43,408 Tig Notaro, and me, Al Franken. 76 00:02:43,409 --> 00:02:47,124 That was great. - [laughing] 77 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,130 [Psychic Friend's "We Do Not Belong" plays] 78 00:02:50,131 --> 00:02:53,888 ? ? 79 00:02:53,889 --> 00:02:57,813 MAN: ? Shave it off, stay alive, open wide ? 80 00:02:57,814 --> 00:03:01,444 ? Show us how to conquer first and then divide ? 81 00:03:01,445 --> 00:03:05,077 CHORUS: ? Don't know if we're stayin' long, stayin' long ? 82 00:03:05,078 --> 00:03:06,581 ? Used to staying weak ? 83 00:03:06,582 --> 00:03:08,877 ? And now we're staying strong ? 84 00:03:08,878 --> 00:03:12,759 ? We don't wanna go where we do not belong ? 85 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,765 ? Lonely as the day is long, day is long ? 86 00:03:15,766 --> 00:03:17,686 ? ? 87 00:03:17,687 --> 00:03:19,940 [cheers and applause] 88 00:03:19,941 --> 00:03:21,861 MARK: Hey, it's my buddy and yours, 89 00:03:21,862 --> 00:03:24,282 Sarah Silverman! 90 00:03:24,283 --> 00:03:28,415 [cheers and applause] 91 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,254 - Hey. Oh! 92 00:03:31,255 --> 00:03:33,467 Oh, my goodness. 93 00:03:33,468 --> 00:03:36,807 Thank you. [cheers and applause] 94 00:03:36,808 --> 00:03:38,477 Thank you so much. 95 00:03:38,478 --> 00:03:40,732 Oh, my gosh! 96 00:03:40,733 --> 00:03:42,276 Hi, Dave! My friend Dave is here. 97 00:03:42,277 --> 00:03:44,030 That's so random. I love that you're, like, 98 00:03:44,031 --> 00:03:46,827 sitting on the stage in the... 99 00:03:46,828 --> 00:03:48,665 the stage section of the audience. 100 00:03:48,666 --> 00:03:51,671 Well, welcome. Hi. I'll say hi to you after the show. 101 00:03:51,672 --> 00:03:54,342 Hi, sweet buttercup faces. 102 00:03:54,343 --> 00:03:56,471 Hi, chocolate brownie mix from a bowl. 103 00:03:56,472 --> 00:03:58,100 Who deserves love? 104 00:03:58,101 --> 00:04:01,106 You do. - Kicka-kicka-cow, kicka-cow! 105 00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:02,651 - Okay. [chuckles] 106 00:04:02,652 --> 00:04:04,278 That person just wants attention, 107 00:04:04,279 --> 00:04:07,243 so don't give it to him. [laughter] 108 00:04:07,244 --> 00:04:09,748 Give it to me! I don't want any attention. 109 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,209 [laughter] 110 00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:13,338 That's so awful. Why is that a thing? 111 00:04:13,339 --> 00:04:16,762 "He just wants attention. Don't give it to him." 112 00:04:16,763 --> 00:04:20,060 Those are like the saddest two sentences I've ever heard 113 00:04:20,061 --> 00:04:22,022 constantly, growing up. 114 00:04:22,023 --> 00:04:25,739 [laughter] Why are we... 115 00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:28,201 Honestly, why are we disgusted 116 00:04:28,202 --> 00:04:30,915 when we sense human need? 117 00:04:30,916 --> 00:04:33,336 "He just wants water. Don't give it to him. 118 00:04:33,337 --> 00:04:35,466 "Ew! Look how thirsty he is. 119 00:04:35,467 --> 00:04:38,515 He's like... muhh, chomping his lips." 120 00:04:40,519 --> 00:04:42,856 That is a thing, though: "He just wants attention. 121 00:04:42,857 --> 00:04:44,693 Don't give it to him." You guys have heard that 122 00:04:44,694 --> 00:04:46,697 before, right? CROWD: Yeah. 123 00:04:46,698 --> 00:04:50,120 - You're even acknowledging what his acting out is about-- 124 00:04:50,121 --> 00:04:52,041 a need for attention. The fact that you're 125 00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:55,297 actively choosing to withhold it is--is mean! 126 00:04:55,298 --> 00:04:59,013 He just wants attention. Give it to him! 127 00:04:59,014 --> 00:05:01,226 If not out of human empathy, 128 00:05:01,227 --> 00:05:03,355 give it to him to prevent, like, 129 00:05:03,356 --> 00:05:06,529 Hitlers from happening. [laughter] 130 00:05:06,530 --> 00:05:08,825 How hard would it have been for one of Adolf's friends 131 00:05:08,826 --> 00:05:11,037 to be like, "That's a nice painting of a building." 132 00:05:11,038 --> 00:05:13,793 "That's a nice painting of a landscape. 133 00:05:13,794 --> 00:05:16,214 You should stick with that!" 134 00:05:16,215 --> 00:05:18,886 [laughter, applause] 135 00:05:18,887 --> 00:05:21,308 [whooping] 136 00:05:23,564 --> 00:05:25,274 I mean, not giving attention to someone 137 00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:26,777 who's starved for attention 138 00:05:26,778 --> 00:05:29,198 is literally how you make Hitlers. 139 00:05:29,199 --> 00:05:33,415 And... also some stand-up comedians, but... 140 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:35,460 Honestly, I would trade a few Gaffigans 141 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:37,549 to stop a genocide! 142 00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:40,722 [laughter] 143 00:05:40,723 --> 00:05:42,517 And I know what it is. It's... 144 00:05:42,518 --> 00:05:45,314 it's how they go about asking for attention. 145 00:05:45,315 --> 00:05:49,030 They shout out during a taping of a show, you know? 146 00:05:49,031 --> 00:05:51,159 They--they act out, they pull hair, 147 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,539 they... kill 6 million Jews, you know. 148 00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:56,085 These are the things-- - [indistinct] 149 00:05:56,086 --> 00:05:58,633 - Too soon? [laughter] 150 00:05:58,634 --> 00:06:00,302 These are the things that happen 151 00:06:00,303 --> 00:06:02,097 when people do not feel heard. 152 00:06:02,098 --> 00:06:03,350 - Hi, Sarah. 153 00:06:03,351 --> 00:06:05,772 - Hi, Dave, I-- [laughs] 154 00:06:05,773 --> 00:06:08,945 You remember my friend Dave from about 30 seconds ago. 155 00:06:08,946 --> 00:06:10,698 Hi. What--what's up? 156 00:06:10,699 --> 00:06:13,829 - Uh, I have an idea to liven this up a little. 157 00:06:13,830 --> 00:06:15,415 [laughter] 158 00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:18,421 - Okay. I'm kind of... 159 00:06:18,422 --> 00:06:21,344 in the middle of talking about, um... 160 00:06:21,345 --> 00:06:23,933 well, making sure people feel heard, so, yes. 161 00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:25,853 I would love to hear your idea, Dave. 162 00:06:25,854 --> 00:06:28,776 What is it? - Uh, it's kinda like a game. 163 00:06:28,777 --> 00:06:30,697 Pick someone in the audience, 164 00:06:30,698 --> 00:06:34,453 and if they can fart on command, they get $500. 165 00:06:34,454 --> 00:06:36,959 [laughter] 166 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,089 [applause] 167 00:06:40,676 --> 00:06:42,136 - That's your idea. 168 00:06:42,137 --> 00:06:44,140 - [laughs] No! - Oh. 169 00:06:44,141 --> 00:06:46,019 - There's more complexity to it. 170 00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:48,315 If they can't make themselves fart, 171 00:06:48,316 --> 00:06:50,570 then it's a wash. But if they push too hard 172 00:06:50,571 --> 00:06:52,532 and poop themselves, 173 00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:55,997 they owe the show $500! 174 00:06:55,998 --> 00:06:58,961 [scattered laughs, applause] 175 00:06:58,962 --> 00:07:00,631 And they have seven seconds to do it. 176 00:07:00,632 --> 00:07:02,802 - Seven sec--Why seven seconds? 177 00:07:02,803 --> 00:07:06,350 - Well, anyone can fart if you give them eight seconds. 178 00:07:06,351 --> 00:07:07,937 [laughter] - Right, of course. 179 00:07:07,938 --> 00:07:10,777 How silly of me. Um... okay. 180 00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:14,158 Thank you, Dave. I'm glad I listened to you. 181 00:07:14,159 --> 00:07:17,665 And I want you to know that I heard you. 182 00:07:17,666 --> 00:07:19,503 Um... I just think 183 00:07:19,504 --> 00:07:22,299 people came here for literally the tiniest bit more 184 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:25,222 intellectual stimulation than that, like... 185 00:07:25,223 --> 00:07:27,644 - I'm not, uh, totally against it. 186 00:07:27,645 --> 00:07:29,146 - This is fucking chaos. Dave, can you 187 00:07:29,147 --> 00:07:32,277 give your microphone to this, uh... 188 00:07:32,278 --> 00:07:33,864 I'm sorry, what--what is that? 189 00:07:33,865 --> 00:07:36,327 - [ahem] I came to hear your take, 190 00:07:36,328 --> 00:07:39,751 but his idea does sound... 191 00:07:39,752 --> 00:07:42,799 I would be interested in seeing that. 192 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,763 It's, uh, more than a silly fart game. 193 00:07:45,764 --> 00:07:48,686 It's about... mind over body. 194 00:07:48,687 --> 00:07:51,942 Do we control our bodies, 195 00:07:51,943 --> 00:07:54,656 [softly] or do they control us? 196 00:07:54,657 --> 00:07:57,871 [laughter] It's a question for the ages. 197 00:07:57,872 --> 00:08:01,335 And, um, I think I, as they say, 198 00:08:01,336 --> 00:08:04,008 have one in the chamber. 199 00:08:04,009 --> 00:08:06,470 [laughter] 200 00:08:06,471 --> 00:08:07,807 - That's... 201 00:08:07,808 --> 00:08:09,686 that's not what the game even is! 202 00:08:09,687 --> 00:08:13,484 The game isn't "I have to fart, so give me $500." 203 00:08:13,485 --> 00:08:15,698 The game is "I don't have to fart, 204 00:08:15,699 --> 00:08:18,579 but I can make my body produce such for a prize." 205 00:08:18,580 --> 00:08:20,248 Jesus fucking Christ! Fine. We'll do this. 206 00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:21,919 We'll do it with one person. 207 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,841 Allen, can we find a-- Do a contestant thing? 208 00:08:24,842 --> 00:08:27,847 [upbeat game show music] 209 00:08:27,848 --> 00:08:31,605 ? ? 210 00:08:31,606 --> 00:08:33,817 Okay, this guy, um... 211 00:08:33,818 --> 00:08:36,782 And Allen, can you put like seven seconds on the clock? 212 00:08:36,783 --> 00:08:39,955 Okay, um, ready, set, go. 213 00:08:39,956 --> 00:08:42,919 [audience counting down] 214 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,758 Shut up! Let him work! 215 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,302 [loud ticking] 216 00:08:47,303 --> 00:08:48,514 [farts] [buzzer] 217 00:08:48,515 --> 00:08:51,270 Oh. Okay... 218 00:08:54,694 --> 00:08:56,195 [laughs] 219 00:08:56,196 --> 00:08:58,449 Okay. 220 00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:01,038 All right, that was... Actually fun. 221 00:09:01,039 --> 00:09:02,499 All right. 222 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,297 So just to wrap up, um, I was saying 223 00:09:05,298 --> 00:09:07,426 that if someone is acting out, maybe just try to-- 224 00:09:07,427 --> 00:09:09,138 GROUP: [chanting] One more fart! 225 00:09:09,139 --> 00:09:10,641 One more fart! 226 00:09:10,642 --> 00:09:12,019 One more fart! 227 00:09:12,020 --> 00:09:13,479 - Fine! Yes! Okay! 228 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:14,524 One more! We'll do one more. 229 00:09:14,525 --> 00:09:16,402 Allen, can you... 230 00:09:16,403 --> 00:09:22,790 ? ? 231 00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:25,086 Okay... seven seconds on the clock. 232 00:09:25,087 --> 00:09:26,172 Ready, set, and-- 233 00:09:26,173 --> 00:09:27,174 [elongated fart] 234 00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:28,260 Wow. [buzzer] 235 00:09:30,348 --> 00:09:32,728 [laughter] 236 00:09:33,813 --> 00:09:36,526 Why did she bring a checkbook? 237 00:09:36,527 --> 00:09:38,614 Why would you pack a checkbook? 238 00:09:38,615 --> 00:09:40,618 Is it okay if I get back to the point 239 00:09:40,619 --> 00:09:43,122 I was trying to make on my television show? 240 00:09:43,123 --> 00:09:46,337 - Technically, it's streaming-- - Dave, please. 241 00:09:46,338 --> 00:09:48,383 [laughter] 242 00:09:48,384 --> 00:09:50,805 [sighs] I'm not being my best self, certainly. 243 00:09:50,806 --> 00:09:53,727 Um... okay, I'm sorry. What was I saying? 244 00:09:53,728 --> 00:09:56,482 Listen to people... who want atten-- 245 00:09:56,483 --> 00:09:58,361 I don't even know if I 246 00:09:58,362 --> 00:10:00,073 believe in this anymore. 247 00:10:00,074 --> 00:10:02,452 I-I--You know, I mean, people say 248 00:10:02,453 --> 00:10:05,584 if Trump had won an Emmy for "The Apprentice," 249 00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:07,588 maybe he wouldn't have run, but, Jesus Christ, 250 00:10:07,589 --> 00:10:09,592 you're supposed to be able to lose Emmys 251 00:10:09,593 --> 00:10:12,974 without launching a revenge presidency. 252 00:10:12,975 --> 00:10:16,857 You know, Jason Alexander lost eight Emmys in a row, 253 00:10:16,858 --> 00:10:19,361 and you don't see him trying to ban Muslims. 254 00:10:19,362 --> 00:10:21,658 He couldn't even parlay that brilliant performance 255 00:10:21,659 --> 00:10:23,537 into another sitcom, and you don't see him 256 00:10:23,538 --> 00:10:25,123 trying to make a wall, you don't see him 257 00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:27,169 grabbing women by their pussies. 258 00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:30,258 And most of the time, he lost to "Frasier's" brother. 259 00:10:30,259 --> 00:10:34,183 You don't hear him saying, "Niles is from Kenya!" 260 00:10:34,184 --> 00:10:35,686 [laughter] 261 00:10:35,687 --> 00:10:38,859 Jason Alexander is a goddamn hero, so-- 262 00:10:38,860 --> 00:10:41,197 Give people attention, don't give people attention. 263 00:10:41,198 --> 00:10:42,825 Whatever--you're gonna do what you're gonna do. 264 00:10:42,826 --> 00:10:44,746 I don't give a fuck. Just please never forget 265 00:10:44,747 --> 00:10:46,958 the gracious loser of a private citizen 266 00:10:46,959 --> 00:10:49,004 that is Jason Alexander. 267 00:10:49,005 --> 00:10:52,011 [cheers and applause] 268 00:10:56,186 --> 00:10:58,732 I mean, I... feel passionately about it. 269 00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:00,193 [applause continues] [exhales] 270 00:11:00,194 --> 00:11:01,780 And now a message 271 00:11:01,781 --> 00:11:04,201 from our local sponsor, Drew Nostume. 272 00:11:04,202 --> 00:11:06,665 [applause] 273 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,294 - Hey, Tommy, what are you gonna be for Halloween? 274 00:11:09,295 --> 00:11:11,131 I'm gonna be a scary ghost. 275 00:11:11,132 --> 00:11:12,802 - You know what scares me, Samantha? 276 00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:14,722 The political climate. That's why this year 277 00:11:14,723 --> 00:11:16,475 I'm getting my costume 278 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,273 [echoing] from Drew Nostume's New Costumes! 279 00:11:19,274 --> 00:11:21,570 MAN: Drew Nostume's New Costumes. 280 00:11:21,571 --> 00:11:23,155 Spook your conservative neighbors 281 00:11:23,156 --> 00:11:25,285 with costumes like Female God. 282 00:11:25,286 --> 00:11:28,709 - I created the universe, and I have a vagina! 283 00:11:28,710 --> 00:11:30,378 Deal with it! 284 00:11:30,379 --> 00:11:33,134 MAN: Or what about Mark, The Stay At Home Dad? 285 00:11:33,135 --> 00:11:35,179 - I'm comfortable taking care of my kids 286 00:11:35,180 --> 00:11:36,600 while my wife earns for our family. 287 00:11:36,601 --> 00:11:38,937 MAN: Yikes! You'll be sure to 288 00:11:38,938 --> 00:11:41,442 fill the Right with fright with this next costume: 289 00:11:41,443 --> 00:11:43,195 An All Gender Bathroom! 290 00:11:43,196 --> 00:11:45,784 - Everybody is welcome to poop in me! 291 00:11:45,785 --> 00:11:47,245 - Aah! MAN: And this year's 292 00:11:47,246 --> 00:11:50,043 newest costume-- Al Frankenstein! 293 00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:52,380 - Uggghhhh... MAN: We also have costumes 294 00:11:52,381 --> 00:11:55,846 that will make your liberal neighbors Demo-crap their pants 295 00:11:55,847 --> 00:11:57,474 like the "BreitBart" Homepage. 296 00:11:57,475 --> 00:11:58,936 - [cackling] 297 00:11:58,937 --> 00:12:01,482 MAN: And the Trump voter with a PhD! 298 00:12:01,483 --> 00:12:03,110 - Without sounding pedantic, 299 00:12:03,111 --> 00:12:05,073 Trump's "America first" ethos 300 00:12:05,074 --> 00:12:06,785 has us primed for success. 301 00:12:06,786 --> 00:12:08,623 MAN: So this Halloween, creep it real at... 302 00:12:12,418 --> 00:12:13,420 [solemn piano notes] 303 00:12:15,427 --> 00:12:19,256 ? ? 304 00:12:21,684 --> 00:12:22,940 [laughter] 305 00:12:27,326 --> 00:12:29,664 ? ? 306 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:32,545 [cheers and applause] 307 00:12:32,546 --> 00:12:34,882 - Welcome back, everybody. 308 00:12:34,883 --> 00:12:37,262 Your dreams are your ticket out. 309 00:12:37,263 --> 00:12:39,349 One of the great things about having your own show 310 00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:42,063 is that you can make your friends come do stuff. 311 00:12:42,064 --> 00:12:44,986 Well, I asked my good pal Tig Notaro, who-- 312 00:12:44,987 --> 00:12:47,240 [audience whooping] Oh, yeah! 313 00:12:47,241 --> 00:12:49,662 [applause] 314 00:12:49,663 --> 00:12:51,916 Who you may know from the brilliant show 315 00:12:51,917 --> 00:12:54,797 "One Mississippi" to do whatever she wanted, 316 00:12:54,798 --> 00:12:57,135 and she did--she came and did whatever she wanted. 317 00:12:57,136 --> 00:12:58,555 Here it is. 318 00:12:58,556 --> 00:12:59,932 - Hi, I'm Tig Notaro, 319 00:12:59,933 --> 00:13:02,187 and I'm a bit of a slow talker, 320 00:13:02,188 --> 00:13:04,984 so... I thought I'd come out of my comfort zone 321 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,780 and head to West Virginia 322 00:13:06,781 --> 00:13:09,034 and learn how to be an auctioneer. 323 00:13:09,035 --> 00:13:10,621 Wish me luck. 324 00:13:10,622 --> 00:13:12,165 TIG: I met with Brian Shafer. 325 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,044 For the past 25 years, 326 00:13:14,045 --> 00:13:15,672 he's been traveling the U. S. 327 00:13:15,673 --> 00:13:18,512 Doing charity auctions for people in need 328 00:13:18,513 --> 00:13:20,516 and has one of the best 329 00:13:20,517 --> 00:13:23,855 cat needlepoint collections I've ever seen. 330 00:13:23,856 --> 00:13:26,151 Brian, what are some of the terms I need to know 331 00:13:26,152 --> 00:13:27,780 to be an auctioneer? 332 00:13:27,781 --> 00:13:29,157 - Client. That's who you're working for-- 333 00:13:29,158 --> 00:13:31,453 - Client! - Client. 334 00:13:31,454 --> 00:13:32,706 The most important thing you need to know 335 00:13:32,707 --> 00:13:34,417 as an auctioneer is the chant, 336 00:13:34,418 --> 00:13:36,714 and that's the actual-- - Hey, batter-batter-batter-- 337 00:13:36,715 --> 00:13:38,342 - That's it. - Do you wanna buy this 338 00:13:38,343 --> 00:13:40,388 for $5, do you? - That's correct. 339 00:13:40,389 --> 00:13:43,645 - Can I hear you... like auction off... 340 00:13:43,646 --> 00:13:45,691 - Your watch. 341 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,778 Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna sell this Rolex. 342 00:13:47,779 --> 00:13:49,782 What're ya gonna pay? How 'bout $2,000? 343 00:13:49,783 --> 00:13:51,870 Now 2,500. $3,000. 344 00:13:51,871 --> 00:13:53,665 How 'bout 3,500, $4,000? 345 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:54,750 Could you give it a 4? 346 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:57,171 I've sold it, $3,500. 347 00:13:57,172 --> 00:13:59,510 - Wow. Do you think it's worth 3,500? 348 00:13:59,511 --> 00:14:01,639 - People ask me all the time, "Can you appraise this?" 349 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,977 I said, "Sure. About ten seconds after I sell it." 350 00:14:03,978 --> 00:14:06,733 - Brian, if you had to auction me off, 351 00:14:06,734 --> 00:14:08,277 what attributes... 352 00:14:08,278 --> 00:14:11,701 would you... use to kinda... 353 00:14:11,702 --> 00:14:13,412 sell me? 354 00:14:13,413 --> 00:14:15,709 - Wow. Um... [laughter] 355 00:14:15,710 --> 00:14:18,172 - What about the hair? I mean, I have good hair. 356 00:14:18,173 --> 00:14:20,092 - You got great hair. - Okay. 357 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,888 So let's start over. - Okay. 358 00:14:21,889 --> 00:14:23,516 I'd say, "She has great hair." 359 00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:24,685 - Sold! - What else is there? 360 00:14:24,686 --> 00:14:26,480 - Uhhhhhhh... sold! 361 00:14:26,481 --> 00:14:27,816 [laughter] And what speed 362 00:14:27,817 --> 00:14:29,528 do you have to be talking 363 00:14:29,529 --> 00:14:31,156 where people are like, "Oh, this is an auction"? 364 00:14:31,157 --> 00:14:32,701 - Well, it's not necessarily speed. 365 00:14:32,702 --> 00:14:35,247 What they do do is communicate numbers-- 366 00:14:35,248 --> 00:14:37,085 - Do do? - They do do. 367 00:14:37,086 --> 00:14:39,089 That's right. They do do. Ha. 368 00:14:39,090 --> 00:14:41,678 - Let's stay on track, Brian. - Yeah, that's right. Sorry. 369 00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:43,682 They talk fast enough to where they can 370 00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,688 sell a lotta items quickly, and they abbreviate terms. 371 00:14:46,689 --> 00:14:49,819 Like, who would give me $5? 372 00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:51,446 - And then you go, "Who would give me 10?" 373 00:14:51,447 --> 00:14:53,242 - That's it, and shorten it. Who'da gimme it? 374 00:14:53,243 --> 00:14:55,079 Who'da gimme it? - Who'dagibbyda? 375 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,833 - Who'da gimme dat. Who'da gimme da. 376 00:14:56,834 --> 00:14:58,545 - Who'da gibby da? 377 00:14:58,546 --> 00:15:00,966 So you went to school and your teacher said, 378 00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:03,053 "That's right, say 'Who'da gibby da'"? 379 00:15:03,054 --> 00:15:04,180 - That's called a filler word. 380 00:15:04,181 --> 00:15:05,809 - Who'da gimme da $10? 381 00:15:05,810 --> 00:15:08,565 Who--who--now who'da gimme da $15? 382 00:15:08,566 --> 00:15:10,902 Now who'da gimme da $20? - Who'da gimme the 3, 383 00:15:10,903 --> 00:15:13,240 now 4, who would gimme 5, now 6, who would gimme 7? 384 00:15:13,241 --> 00:15:15,327 - Is this someone else's little word? 385 00:15:15,328 --> 00:15:17,750 - I'm sure somebody uses it. - I wanna come up with 386 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:19,127 my own thing, though. 387 00:15:19,128 --> 00:15:20,881 - We'll have to come up with one. 388 00:15:20,882 --> 00:15:22,258 - What about "hey, tiggy now"? - That's great. 389 00:15:22,259 --> 00:15:23,678 Hey, tigga now 1, hey, tigga now 2, 390 00:15:23,679 --> 00:15:25,222 hey, tigga now 3, now 4, now 5 391 00:15:25,223 --> 00:15:26,768 now 6, hey, tigga now 7. 392 00:15:26,769 --> 00:15:28,437 So you switch it up 393 00:15:28,438 --> 00:15:30,901 to where they do not... get bored of that. 394 00:15:30,902 --> 00:15:32,780 And then come back-- - Keep the audience. 395 00:15:32,781 --> 00:15:34,867 TIG: It was time for the last phase of my training. 396 00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:36,495 So we went outside 397 00:15:36,496 --> 00:15:38,583 and did the exact same thing standing up. 398 00:15:38,584 --> 00:15:41,338 - You've got the basics of the chant down now. 399 00:15:41,339 --> 00:15:42,674 Using your filler word "tigga now," 400 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:44,804 start at 10, tigga, now 20. 401 00:15:44,805 --> 00:15:46,473 Go up to 100. And what we're gonna do 402 00:15:46,474 --> 00:15:47,684 is we're gonna time you and see if you can 403 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,062 get it done in ten seconds. 404 00:15:49,063 --> 00:15:50,732 Go. - 10 now, 20 now, 30 now, 405 00:15:50,733 --> 00:15:52,820 gimme now 40 now, gimme the tigga now, 406 00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,865 50 now, tigga now, 50--60 now, 407 00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,953 tigga now, 70 now, tigga now... 408 00:15:56,954 --> 00:15:58,288 oh, boy. 409 00:15:58,289 --> 00:15:59,834 [click] - 11 seconds. 410 00:15:59,835 --> 00:16:02,714 - That was 11 seconds? - 11 seconds. 411 00:16:02,715 --> 00:16:04,760 - All right. Do it again. 412 00:16:04,761 --> 00:16:06,346 Go. - Tigga now 10, tigga now 20, 413 00:16:06,347 --> 00:16:07,683 tigga now 30, tigga now 40, 414 00:16:07,684 --> 00:16:09,018 tigga now 50, tigga now 60, 415 00:16:09,019 --> 00:16:10,564 tigga now 70--Damn it! 416 00:16:10,565 --> 00:16:12,150 - You're not throwin' baseballs. 417 00:16:12,151 --> 00:16:13,820 You're just... back and forth. - Okay. 418 00:16:13,821 --> 00:16:15,657 Go! - 10, now 20, gimme 10, 419 00:16:15,658 --> 00:16:17,536 let's take--take it to 30. 420 00:16:17,537 --> 00:16:19,122 - Go. - 10 now, 20 now, 30 now, 421 00:16:19,123 --> 00:16:20,499 40 now, 50 now, 60 now, 422 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:22,838 70 now, 80 now, 90 now, 100 now. 423 00:16:22,839 --> 00:16:24,382 - Four seconds. 424 00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:26,094 - Ohhh... - That's awesome! 425 00:16:26,095 --> 00:16:28,223 - I'll see ya at the auction. - We got this. 426 00:16:28,224 --> 00:16:29,852 - One red car comin' towards me, telephone pole 427 00:16:29,853 --> 00:16:31,271 on the right, blue truck in front of me. 428 00:16:31,272 --> 00:16:33,150 We got a graveyard up here on the right. 429 00:16:33,151 --> 00:16:34,945 No, that's not a graveyard, that's just someone's 430 00:16:34,946 --> 00:16:37,283 front yard with flags in it waving in the yard. 431 00:16:37,284 --> 00:16:39,037 There's a farmers' market. That's one farmers' market, 432 00:16:39,038 --> 00:16:40,206 one gas truck. 433 00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,667 [car horn honks] Sorry. 434 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,796 BRIAN: All right, what you wanna pay? 435 00:16:43,797 --> 00:16:45,508 5, now $7, who'da gimme the 10? 436 00:16:45,509 --> 00:16:47,428 10, 15, now 20? 437 00:16:47,429 --> 00:16:48,556 I've sold it. Thank you, sir. 438 00:16:48,557 --> 00:16:49,975 Ladies and gentlemen, 439 00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,436 one of my new best friends. 440 00:16:51,437 --> 00:16:53,357 Tig, would you come up here, please? 441 00:16:53,358 --> 00:16:56,238 [light applause] 442 00:16:56,239 --> 00:16:57,406 - Thank you. 443 00:16:57,407 --> 00:17:00,831 Um... I just learned today. 444 00:17:01,833 --> 00:17:03,377 BRIAN: Hey, look at this! 445 00:17:03,378 --> 00:17:06,550 This is a 9/11 flag. "Never forget." 446 00:17:06,551 --> 00:17:09,472 Look at this. Now Tig's gonna sell this. 447 00:17:09,473 --> 00:17:11,142 - "Never forget." 448 00:17:11,143 --> 00:17:13,146 Let's start it out at... 449 00:17:13,147 --> 00:17:14,858 20. Can you give me 20? 450 00:17:14,859 --> 00:17:16,444 Can you give me 20, Tigga me 20? 451 00:17:16,445 --> 00:17:18,448 20, 20, 20, 20? 452 00:17:18,449 --> 00:17:20,203 All right, I'll give you 10. 10. 453 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,588 How am I doing? [laughter] 454 00:17:25,589 --> 00:17:27,884 Uh... 455 00:17:27,885 --> 00:17:29,470 10? 5? 456 00:17:29,471 --> 00:17:30,807 Now 5--Oh, 5. 457 00:17:30,808 --> 00:17:33,145 Okay. 5, uh... 6. 458 00:17:33,146 --> 00:17:36,443 Okay, give me 6--6? 459 00:17:36,444 --> 00:17:38,322 Oh, 6! Yeah, this is going well. 460 00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:40,451 Uh, 6, now 7. 461 00:17:40,452 --> 00:17:42,623 Oh, 7! Can you give me 8? 462 00:17:42,624 --> 00:17:44,543 Can you give me 9? Uh, tiggleby 9, 463 00:17:44,544 --> 00:17:46,087 tiggleby... 10. 464 00:17:46,088 --> 00:17:47,758 10! Can you gimme 11? 465 00:17:47,759 --> 00:17:48,843 Tiggleby 11... 466 00:17:48,844 --> 00:17:50,262 tiggleby 11. 467 00:17:50,263 --> 00:17:52,684 Tiggleby, uh... 468 00:17:52,685 --> 00:17:54,145 Do we just sell it? 469 00:17:54,146 --> 00:17:55,565 BRIAN: You can. - Sold! 470 00:17:55,566 --> 00:17:57,276 All right. 471 00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,074 BRIAN: Fantastic! - That went really well. 472 00:18:00,075 --> 00:18:01,952 It didn't go as well as I had hoped, 473 00:18:01,953 --> 00:18:03,623 and I forgot everything, 474 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:06,378 and I realized I started... saying a word 475 00:18:06,379 --> 00:18:09,342 that was never even... you know... 476 00:18:09,343 --> 00:18:11,137 up for discussion. 477 00:18:11,138 --> 00:18:13,100 I just started saying "tiggleby." 478 00:18:13,101 --> 00:18:15,647 Uh... yeah, I panicked. 479 00:18:15,648 --> 00:18:18,110 It was a tough crowd. I'm gonna go back in there. 480 00:18:18,111 --> 00:18:20,030 I'm gonna drop "tiggleby," 481 00:18:20,031 --> 00:18:21,784 and then I'm gonna up the ante 482 00:18:21,785 --> 00:18:24,122 with a couple more items that I think 483 00:18:24,123 --> 00:18:26,418 are gonna really pull in some cash. 484 00:18:26,419 --> 00:18:28,130 Brian. - Yes. 485 00:18:28,131 --> 00:18:29,717 - I think I'm ready to give it another shot. 486 00:18:29,718 --> 00:18:31,428 - Are you really? Okay! 487 00:18:31,429 --> 00:18:33,558 Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. 488 00:18:33,559 --> 00:18:35,144 - I've got something. 489 00:18:35,145 --> 00:18:37,899 A bachelor. My personal assistant. 490 00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,903 Thomas. Come on in. 491 00:18:39,904 --> 00:18:41,907 BRIAN: Come on, Thomas. 492 00:18:41,908 --> 00:18:43,536 - Right here. Thomas is a single guy. 493 00:18:43,537 --> 00:18:45,372 I'm gonna auction him off. 494 00:18:45,373 --> 00:18:48,462 You know, maybe you're not looking for a bachelor. 495 00:18:48,463 --> 00:18:50,466 Maybe you're looking for a best friend. 496 00:18:50,467 --> 00:18:52,386 Sir, in the hat, you looking for a best friend? 497 00:18:52,387 --> 00:18:55,476 Don't answer. Think it over. 498 00:18:55,477 --> 00:18:57,898 I'm gonna start Thomas off at $2. 499 00:18:57,899 --> 00:19:00,068 Can you give me $2? $2 for Thomas. 500 00:19:00,069 --> 00:19:02,991 $2. $2 for Thomas, 501 00:19:02,992 --> 00:19:04,995 that's good with kids, has a moustache. 502 00:19:04,996 --> 00:19:06,999 Thomas, you wanna take your shirt off? 503 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,878 See if we can really get some sales goin' here. 504 00:19:08,879 --> 00:19:11,717 All right, $50 for Thomas right here. 505 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,890 $50... MAN: $50 to put it back on. 506 00:19:14,891 --> 00:19:17,646 - $50 to put his shirt back on. 507 00:19:17,647 --> 00:19:19,148 Okay. 508 00:19:19,149 --> 00:19:21,695 [laughs] Sold right there at the back. 509 00:19:21,696 --> 00:19:23,950 50 bucks to put his shirt back on, 510 00:19:23,951 --> 00:19:25,703 and he's your new best friend. 511 00:19:25,704 --> 00:19:29,252 [scattered applause] 512 00:19:29,253 --> 00:19:31,507 BRIAN: You challenged yourself really well today. 513 00:19:31,508 --> 00:19:33,511 You set a high bar, and I think you did well. 514 00:19:33,512 --> 00:19:36,266 - I'm gonna keep practicing and get better and better 515 00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:39,857 and one day really blow the roof off of this church and... 516 00:19:39,858 --> 00:19:41,735 - That'd be great. There's a tradition 517 00:19:41,736 --> 00:19:43,698 when you become an auctioneer, 518 00:19:43,699 --> 00:19:45,284 you gain the rank of colonel. 519 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,747 When I graduated Nashville Auction School, 520 00:19:47,748 --> 00:19:50,712 I got this--this is really important to me. 521 00:19:50,713 --> 00:19:52,883 I got this when I graduated, 522 00:19:52,884 --> 00:19:54,928 and now, you have graduated. 523 00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:57,141 And you are now a colonel. 524 00:19:57,142 --> 00:19:59,186 - [laughing] Oh, my gosh. 525 00:19:59,187 --> 00:20:01,024 - That's yours. - That is so-- 526 00:20:01,025 --> 00:20:03,069 This used to be yours? - It was mine. 527 00:20:03,070 --> 00:20:05,073 I've had it since I graduated auction school. 528 00:20:05,074 --> 00:20:06,492 So we had your name put on it. 529 00:20:06,493 --> 00:20:09,040 - "Colonel Tig Notaro." 530 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,334 Thank you. - You earned it. 531 00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:12,379 You did really well. 532 00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:15,385 - I feel like Luke Skywalker saying good-bye to Yoda. 533 00:20:15,386 --> 00:20:17,348 - I'm gonna die now? I mean, what is that? 534 00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:19,143 [laughter] - Yoda lived to be 535 00:20:19,144 --> 00:20:21,230 over 900 years old. - I don't wanna be bent over 536 00:20:21,231 --> 00:20:23,569 walking with a cane. I don't wanna live to 900-- 537 00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:24,655 - Even with three claws? - No. 538 00:20:24,656 --> 00:20:26,366 - Okay. - No! 539 00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:28,328 - Let's get outta here. - Live long not--not me. 540 00:20:28,329 --> 00:20:30,123 - Ha. You are Yoda. 541 00:20:30,124 --> 00:20:33,004 Tiggleby 1, tiggleby me 2, tiggleby 3, 542 00:20:33,005 --> 00:20:34,215 tiggleby 4. 543 00:20:34,216 --> 00:20:36,720 [tap] Sold! 544 00:20:36,721 --> 00:20:38,808 [cheers and applause] 545 00:20:38,809 --> 00:20:41,437 - And she is here to show her wares tonight. 546 00:20:41,438 --> 00:20:43,901 Come on out, Colonel Tig! 547 00:20:43,902 --> 00:20:46,908 [cheers and applause] 548 00:20:49,747 --> 00:20:50,958 All right. 549 00:20:53,129 --> 00:20:56,467 Okay, are you... have you been honing your skills? 550 00:20:56,468 --> 00:20:58,179 - Oh, yeah. Um... 551 00:20:58,180 --> 00:21:00,518 this is me two months after I filmed that. 552 00:21:00,519 --> 00:21:02,146 - Uh-huh. - And... 553 00:21:02,147 --> 00:21:04,066 I am at the top of my game. [laughter] 554 00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:06,530 - Wow. What is the item 555 00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:08,659 you're auctioning off? - It is... 556 00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:11,330 a $100-bill. 557 00:21:11,331 --> 00:21:13,376 CROWD: Whoo! - Ooh! 558 00:21:13,377 --> 00:21:16,174 So... let's do it. Sounds like a good idea. 559 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,012 Go for it. - All right. 560 00:21:22,772 --> 00:21:25,400 [in "auctioneer" voice] I have $100... 561 00:21:25,401 --> 00:21:29,534 Who needs $100? [laughter] 562 00:21:29,535 --> 00:21:32,081 $100! 563 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:35,003 I have $100 564 00:21:35,004 --> 00:21:36,673 ready to auction off. 565 00:21:36,674 --> 00:21:39,513 I lied to Sarah. I have not been practicing. 566 00:21:39,514 --> 00:21:41,265 I'm gonna start it off at 20. 567 00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:43,687 Tiggleby 20, tiggleby... 568 00:21:43,688 --> 00:21:45,107 20... 1. 569 00:21:45,108 --> 00:21:47,486 Tiggleby 22! 570 00:21:47,487 --> 00:21:49,448 Tiggleby 23, 24, 571 00:21:49,449 --> 00:21:51,035 25, 26, 572 00:21:51,036 --> 00:21:53,456 27--Tiggle-- Tiggleby... 20... 573 00:21:53,457 --> 00:21:55,210 8, tiggleby... 574 00:21:55,211 --> 00:21:57,715 29. This is so easy! 575 00:21:57,716 --> 00:21:59,594 [laughter] 576 00:21:59,595 --> 00:22:02,141 Tiggleby 28, tiggleby 29, 577 00:22:02,142 --> 00:22:03,309 tig--or tiggleby-- 578 00:22:03,310 --> 00:22:04,646 - 30. 579 00:22:04,647 --> 00:22:06,692 [laughter] 580 00:22:06,693 --> 00:22:10,324 - Let me figure this out on my own. 581 00:22:11,744 --> 00:22:13,581 - Sorry. - What if I get back out 582 00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:16,377 in the wild, and I don't know what I'm doing? 583 00:22:16,378 --> 00:22:18,256 - I got caught up. - Yeah, I did too. 584 00:22:18,257 --> 00:22:21,095 I think we were all really caught up in that moment. 585 00:22:21,096 --> 00:22:22,682 Tiggleby 30, 586 00:22:22,683 --> 00:22:25,395 35, 40, 45, 587 00:22:25,396 --> 00:22:28,067 50--you know what? I forgot to actually look 588 00:22:28,068 --> 00:22:31,576 to see if there was anyone raising their hand. 589 00:22:32,661 --> 00:22:34,831 Tiggleby 80, 85? 590 00:22:34,832 --> 00:22:36,710 80--85? 591 00:22:36,711 --> 00:22:38,923 85 going once, 85 going-- 592 00:22:38,924 --> 00:22:41,427 90, tiggleby 95. 593 00:22:41,428 --> 00:22:42,972 Tiggleby 90--100. 594 00:22:42,973 --> 00:22:45,812 [laughter] 595 00:22:47,148 --> 00:22:48,150 Sold! 596 00:22:51,616 --> 00:22:53,827 Sir, you earned it. - [indistinct] 597 00:22:53,828 --> 00:22:56,917 - No, give this to your-- Give this to your loved one. 598 00:22:56,918 --> 00:22:59,673 ALL: Aw! 599 00:22:59,674 --> 00:23:02,637 - And that is how it's done, everybody. 600 00:23:02,638 --> 00:23:06,310 So many pointless exchanges of money tonight on the show. 601 00:23:06,311 --> 00:23:10,193 It is--I think it's a real metaphor for how the world is right now. 602 00:23:10,194 --> 00:23:11,780 Am I right? 603 00:23:11,781 --> 00:23:13,617 Eh, I don't know. Maybe not. 604 00:23:13,618 --> 00:23:15,453 We'll be right back after we sell some soap 605 00:23:15,454 --> 00:23:18,084 for the fuckin' Man. 606 00:23:18,085 --> 00:23:21,258 ? ? 607 00:23:24,515 --> 00:23:28,522 [cheers and applause] 608 00:23:28,523 --> 00:23:30,693 - Welcome back. We are in the home stretch, 609 00:23:30,694 --> 00:23:33,406 and I'm having a blast. Everything's gone really well, 610 00:23:33,407 --> 00:23:35,452 and I'm excited that we-- - Ah-heh-hem! 611 00:23:35,453 --> 00:23:37,832 - Oh, my God, Mather! - No, I-I'm sorry. 612 00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:40,003 I just feel like we haven't cut to me in a while... 613 00:23:40,004 --> 00:23:41,255 - No! You're right! 614 00:23:41,256 --> 00:23:43,719 I'm sorry! But it's... 615 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,765 it is kind of cool because, 616 00:23:45,766 --> 00:23:49,063 you know, you're here for when things get a little crazy. 617 00:23:49,064 --> 00:23:52,235 But all that insanity at the top of the show, 618 00:23:52,236 --> 00:23:54,532 and I feel like I handled it. 619 00:23:54,533 --> 00:23:56,536 And the audience seemed to be onboard, 620 00:23:56,537 --> 00:23:58,749 and, you know, that's a testament to you. 621 00:23:58,750 --> 00:24:00,544 You were... my training wheels 622 00:24:00,545 --> 00:24:02,381 and, you know, I guess I've... 623 00:24:02,382 --> 00:24:04,803 I've learned how to ride a bike. 624 00:24:04,804 --> 00:24:08,560 - Great. I'm glad I could help you make me irrelevant. 625 00:24:08,561 --> 00:24:10,438 [laughter] - Okay. Uh... 626 00:24:10,439 --> 00:24:12,568 I'm sorry, I guess that wasn't a great analogy. 627 00:24:12,569 --> 00:24:15,323 I can't remember-- do training wheels look at you 628 00:24:15,324 --> 00:24:16,827 like you're a fucking asshole 629 00:24:16,828 --> 00:24:18,496 for learning how to ride a bike? 630 00:24:18,497 --> 00:24:20,166 [laughter] - Gee, I don't know. 631 00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:21,837 Do bikes not thank their training wheels 632 00:24:21,838 --> 00:24:25,009 for their service? - What are you, a Marine? 633 00:24:25,010 --> 00:24:26,930 I hate this energy. I'm sorry. 634 00:24:26,931 --> 00:24:29,561 Let's--We can cut this whole thing out, right? 635 00:24:29,562 --> 00:24:33,569 And... why don't we just kind of like laugh like... 636 00:24:33,570 --> 00:24:35,573 something funny happened, 637 00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:38,495 and you can introduce the next piece, okay? 638 00:24:40,166 --> 00:24:43,087 [both laughing] 639 00:24:43,088 --> 00:24:44,841 - And now take a look at Sarah's interview 640 00:24:44,842 --> 00:24:47,262 with her old friend Senator Al Franken. 641 00:24:47,263 --> 00:24:49,183 Let's roll the clip. 642 00:24:49,184 --> 00:24:51,312 - That was really good. - Yeah. I'm a professional. 643 00:24:51,313 --> 00:24:53,065 - Okay. [laughter] 644 00:24:53,066 --> 00:24:56,363 First of all, I know that you hate liars. 645 00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:58,451 - Right. - Which is why 646 00:24:58,452 --> 00:25:02,125 you decided to spend your time with senators. 647 00:25:02,126 --> 00:25:05,131 - [laughs] Uh, yeah. 648 00:25:05,132 --> 00:25:08,597 I really do... very much like my colleagues. 649 00:25:08,598 --> 00:25:12,062 And I spend more time with Democratic colleagues, 650 00:25:12,063 --> 00:25:15,360 but I like colleagues on both sides of the aisle. 651 00:25:15,361 --> 00:25:19,201 And I would say that I try to be a truth teller, 652 00:25:19,202 --> 00:25:20,996 but I understand that 653 00:25:20,997 --> 00:25:24,504 there are sometimes... 654 00:25:24,505 --> 00:25:26,006 limits. 655 00:25:26,007 --> 00:25:28,344 You can say something that's true 656 00:25:28,345 --> 00:25:31,141 and not be recklessly true. [laughs] 657 00:25:31,142 --> 00:25:33,312 - Example. - I was talking about-- 658 00:25:33,313 --> 00:25:37,613 - Ow! I bruise like a peach. 659 00:25:37,614 --> 00:25:39,617 Go on. You were talking? 660 00:25:39,618 --> 00:25:41,788 - I was just... 661 00:25:41,789 --> 00:25:44,126 "Franken Batters Woman In..." 662 00:25:44,127 --> 00:25:45,796 [both laughing] 663 00:25:45,797 --> 00:25:48,677 - "Franklin Likes Beastiality." 664 00:25:48,678 --> 00:25:50,764 - Ha. Yes. Well, that was... 665 00:25:50,765 --> 00:25:52,810 uh, you read the book. 666 00:25:52,811 --> 00:25:55,273 - Well, no. I'm seven hours in. 667 00:25:55,274 --> 00:25:56,901 - Oh! You're listening to the audio. 668 00:25:56,902 --> 00:25:58,572 - You have to listen to the audio book. 669 00:25:58,573 --> 00:26:00,951 So much of the humor is you delivering it. 670 00:26:00,952 --> 00:26:04,249 And that book is built for the dehumanizer, by the way, 671 00:26:04,250 --> 00:26:05,669 because-- - The DeHumorizer. 672 00:26:05,670 --> 00:26:08,967 - The dehumanizer. The DeHumorizer. 673 00:26:08,968 --> 00:26:11,138 Ooh, dehumanizer. - I know. 674 00:26:11,139 --> 00:26:13,059 - But there's so much in that book 675 00:26:13,060 --> 00:26:15,104 you can take out of context and sound terrible 676 00:26:15,105 --> 00:26:17,233 because you're so sarcastic. 677 00:26:17,234 --> 00:26:19,071 - [laughing] - But it's incredible. 678 00:26:19,072 --> 00:26:22,202 - It's funny--the publisher said to me like, uh... 679 00:26:22,203 --> 00:26:23,830 "We can have someone else read the book." 680 00:26:23,831 --> 00:26:26,460 Isn't that funny? - So insulting! 681 00:26:26,461 --> 00:26:28,005 - I thought it was more clueless. 682 00:26:28,006 --> 00:26:30,259 - Who would you have read your book? 683 00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:33,517 - Bernie. [both laughing] 684 00:26:33,518 --> 00:26:36,773 [as Bernie] I grew up in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. 685 00:26:36,774 --> 00:26:38,985 [laughter] - That's so good! 686 00:26:38,986 --> 00:26:42,660 Oh. - In a two-bedroom house. 687 00:26:42,661 --> 00:26:46,793 I felt like the luckiest kid in the world, 'cause I was. 688 00:26:46,794 --> 00:26:48,379 Something like that? - Yes. 689 00:26:48,380 --> 00:26:50,383 That is your book. I love it. 690 00:26:50,384 --> 00:26:52,220 - Yeah. - When I interview people 691 00:26:52,221 --> 00:26:55,101 on this show, the common thread is 692 00:26:55,102 --> 00:26:57,313 people who have experienced change in their life. 693 00:26:57,314 --> 00:27:00,738 So would you say--Where would be your inciting incident? 694 00:27:00,739 --> 00:27:03,117 - What changed my life was 695 00:27:03,118 --> 00:27:07,083 my wife Franni--and I'm very frank about this in the book-- 696 00:27:07,084 --> 00:27:09,922 she had a drinking problem. She was an alcoholic. 697 00:27:09,923 --> 00:27:12,385 She is an alcoholic. She's a recovering alcoholic. 698 00:27:12,386 --> 00:27:15,559 And also Tom Davis, my partner, 699 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,980 was your garden variety alcoholic 700 00:27:17,981 --> 00:27:20,944 but did coke and did everything, you know. 701 00:27:20,945 --> 00:27:23,199 So when my wife went in rehab, 702 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:24,702 I started going to Al-Anon. 703 00:27:24,703 --> 00:27:27,875 And in Al-Anon, 704 00:27:27,876 --> 00:27:31,256 I started to realize that I'd become a jerk. 705 00:27:31,257 --> 00:27:33,512 And it was in a certain reaction 706 00:27:33,513 --> 00:27:36,475 to being with these two, um... 707 00:27:36,476 --> 00:27:38,354 two alcoholics. 708 00:27:38,355 --> 00:27:41,109 And I started looking at myself a little bit closer 709 00:27:41,110 --> 00:27:44,074 and taking care of me, and I became a nicer person. 710 00:27:44,075 --> 00:27:45,869 And, uh, Stuart Smalley, 711 00:27:45,870 --> 00:27:48,499 the character who came out of this-- 712 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:50,378 And what came out of this-- - Wait. You should pause for-- 713 00:27:50,379 --> 00:27:53,133 There'll be applause in the studio audience. 714 00:27:53,134 --> 00:27:54,929 - [laughing] - No, nothing? 715 00:27:54,930 --> 00:27:58,394 Okay, sorry, go on. - Okay. Uh... 716 00:27:58,395 --> 00:28:02,987 Stuart would do a lot of 12-step... jargony stuff. 717 00:28:02,988 --> 00:28:04,907 And one of them was, 718 00:28:04,908 --> 00:28:07,370 "It is easier to put on slippers 719 00:28:07,371 --> 00:28:09,457 than to carpet the entire world." 720 00:28:09,458 --> 00:28:12,338 - Oh! - And... 721 00:28:12,339 --> 00:28:14,467 [laughing] 722 00:28:14,468 --> 00:28:16,221 So, you know, when you're a senator, 723 00:28:16,222 --> 00:28:18,309 you're trying to carpet the world. 724 00:28:18,310 --> 00:28:21,440 But how it relates to you 725 00:28:21,441 --> 00:28:23,277 is you came after that, 726 00:28:23,278 --> 00:28:25,239 'cause that was about '85, '86. 727 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:26,868 So I started... - Yeah, I was there 728 00:28:26,869 --> 00:28:28,747 in '93, '94. - Doing Al-Anon. 729 00:28:28,748 --> 00:28:30,667 And, uh... 730 00:28:30,668 --> 00:28:33,464 you, uh, told me 731 00:28:33,465 --> 00:28:36,596 last time we talked, uh... 732 00:28:36,597 --> 00:28:40,269 something about how I came up to you 733 00:28:40,270 --> 00:28:42,608 after I'd seen you in the subway or something? 734 00:28:42,609 --> 00:28:44,528 - Is that part of, like, a step? 735 00:28:44,529 --> 00:28:47,450 We were not unfriendly, but you weren't...[stammering] 736 00:28:47,451 --> 00:28:49,872 I wasn't on your radar, I don't think. 737 00:28:49,873 --> 00:28:51,500 - When you first came to the show. 738 00:28:51,501 --> 00:28:53,379 - And I was just a kid, 739 00:28:53,380 --> 00:28:55,007 and you came up to me... 740 00:28:55,008 --> 00:28:57,095 You came up to me and you were like, 741 00:28:57,096 --> 00:28:59,057 [as Al] "I just wanna say I'm sorry." 742 00:28:59,058 --> 00:29:00,811 You know, like for what? 743 00:29:00,812 --> 00:29:03,482 And you're like, "I didn't like you. 744 00:29:03,483 --> 00:29:05,779 [laughter] "Then I saw you" 745 00:29:05,780 --> 00:29:07,407 "in the subway station, 746 00:29:07,408 --> 00:29:09,244 "and you were giving people directions, 747 00:29:09,245 --> 00:29:11,206 and you were nice." 748 00:29:11,207 --> 00:29:12,543 - Yeah, well... - It was like... 749 00:29:12,544 --> 00:29:14,045 - I was hoping I did it 750 00:29:14,046 --> 00:29:16,843 in a even nicer way than that. - It was. 751 00:29:16,844 --> 00:29:20,057 I have to have that face to do your voice. 752 00:29:20,058 --> 00:29:22,061 - I was working on myself during that time. 753 00:29:22,062 --> 00:29:23,815 - I was very moved by it, and it made me very happy... 754 00:29:23,816 --> 00:29:25,944 - Well, yeah... - Because... I loved you. 755 00:29:25,945 --> 00:29:27,321 - Well, I love you too. 756 00:29:27,322 --> 00:29:29,033 - I said loved. [laughter] 757 00:29:29,034 --> 00:29:31,163 - Well, then I guess it's out. 758 00:29:31,164 --> 00:29:33,167 I love you. 759 00:29:33,168 --> 00:29:36,340 - I love you too, you son of a gun! 760 00:29:37,969 --> 00:29:39,597 We kiss on the lips! 761 00:29:39,598 --> 00:29:41,560 - That's what we do. - That's what we do! 762 00:29:44,148 --> 00:29:47,445 [laughter] 763 00:29:47,446 --> 00:29:50,326 Well, I paid hours ago, so I guess we're good to go. 764 00:29:50,327 --> 00:29:51,913 - Okay. Let's go. 765 00:29:51,914 --> 00:29:53,876 - See ya later. 766 00:29:55,295 --> 00:29:57,423 [laughter, applause] 767 00:29:57,424 --> 00:30:00,221 [Al laughing] 768 00:30:00,222 --> 00:30:02,016 Thank you, Al. That's the show. 769 00:30:02,017 --> 00:30:03,853 See ya next week. Good night, America. 770 00:30:03,854 --> 00:30:06,024 I "lerve" you. 771 00:30:06,025 --> 00:30:08,863 [cheers and applause] 772 00:30:08,864 --> 00:30:11,869 [upbeat jazz] 773 00:30:11,870 --> 00:30:16,419 ? ? 774 00:30:16,420 --> 00:30:18,508 - Oh, [mumbling]...75 cents, 775 00:30:18,509 --> 00:30:21,346 a dollar, $3, [mumbling] $2, do I hear $2? 776 00:30:21,347 --> 00:30:23,810 Do I have $3, $3, $3, $4, $4, $4. 777 00:30:23,811 --> 00:30:25,814 Sold! 778 00:30:25,815 --> 00:30:28,318 You know, the first auction I ever went to 779 00:30:28,319 --> 00:30:30,406 was at a, um-- What do they call it? 780 00:30:30,407 --> 00:30:32,368 Burlesque show at the Old Howard 781 00:30:32,369 --> 00:30:34,414 in Boston, Massachusetts. 782 00:30:34,415 --> 00:30:37,169 And in between the show, 783 00:30:37,170 --> 00:30:39,007 there were comedians-- 784 00:30:39,008 --> 00:30:41,136 I don't think Sarah ever was there-- 785 00:30:41,137 --> 00:30:43,933 comedians and people that took off their clothes, 786 00:30:43,934 --> 00:30:45,645 girls who took off their clothes, 787 00:30:45,646 --> 00:30:48,233 and they would go all the way down to pasties. 788 00:30:48,234 --> 00:30:50,487 Whoo! That was big-time. 789 00:30:50,488 --> 00:30:53,452 [laughter] And, uh... 790 00:30:53,453 --> 00:30:56,416 in the middle, they would auction off boxes of candy. 791 00:30:56,417 --> 00:30:59,255 And in the candy were prizes. 792 00:30:59,256 --> 00:31:01,677 And the guy would say, "50 cents for a box of candy, 793 00:31:01,678 --> 00:31:04,307 "50 cents--there's one there! Open up your box! 794 00:31:04,308 --> 00:31:05,977 "He's got a new watch! 795 00:31:05,978 --> 00:31:07,731 "And, oh, there's another one, 796 00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:09,860 this boy has got a bracelet inside!" 797 00:31:09,861 --> 00:31:12,073 And, uh, of course I never bought one, 798 00:31:12,074 --> 00:31:13,910 'cause I knew it was full of bullshit. 799 00:31:13,911 --> 00:31:16,666 I was just there to see, uh... well, I was young 800 00:31:16,667 --> 00:31:18,628 and it was in the '50s. 801 00:31:18,629 --> 00:31:20,757 "I wanted to see what a tit looked like." 802 00:31:20,758 --> 00:31:24,430 [laughter] ? ? 803 00:31:24,431 --> 00:31:26,310 [cheers and applause] 804 00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:30,910 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 58034

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