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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,784 --> 00:00:03,364 It kind of sounded like you were getting down and dirty last night. 2 00:00:03,464 --> 00:00:05,432 - Ha ha. - Hey, Pete. 3 00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:08,143 Did you just now arrive or? 4 00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:09,151 - No. - No. 5 00:00:10,012 --> 00:00:11,342 Are you seriously telling me 6 00:00:11,342 --> 00:00:13,506 that you haven't, I don't know, drop your good boy routine long 7 00:00:13,506 --> 00:00:16,007 enough to get into something that's none of my business? 8 00:00:16,032 --> 00:00:19,423 What are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf? 9 00:00:19,465 --> 00:00:21,651 I'm trying to impress her. I'm a comic. 10 00:00:22,213 --> 00:00:23,859 I'm trying to get into the college market. 11 00:00:23,859 --> 00:00:25,026 NACA changed my life. 12 00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:27,643 I booked like 80 colleges. Who here has a car? 13 00:00:27,668 --> 00:00:29,856 Anybody have a car? You ever treat yourself and get 14 00:00:29,856 --> 00:00:32,019 - full service? Gas it up. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 15 00:00:32,296 --> 00:00:34,097 Gas it up. 16 00:00:34,833 --> 00:00:36,070 I got six so far and 17 00:00:36,095 --> 00:00:37,830 - I'm working on more. - Six? 18 00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:38,863 Yes. 19 00:00:46,108 --> 00:00:48,942 ? 20 00:01:00,096 --> 00:01:01,417 Thanks for coming, Artie. 21 00:01:02,078 --> 00:01:04,998 Well, listen, man. I... I worry about you, too. 22 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,353 What's going on? 23 00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:08,684 Uh... I'm kind of freaking out. 24 00:01:09,077 --> 00:01:10,096 You are? 25 00:01:10,096 --> 00:01:11,696 About the... You know, the roast. 26 00:01:11,732 --> 00:01:14,466 It's not really my natural habitat to be, uh... 27 00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,968 - Funny? I mean, uh... - To be mean. 28 00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:18,769 See, no, but that's good, that's why I wanted 29 00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,545 to talk to you. I wanna see if I can... 30 00:01:20,632 --> 00:01:23,199 I'm trying be mean, and I thought I could run some by you. 31 00:01:23,235 --> 00:01:24,867 I can't help you with roast jokes, you know. 32 00:01:24,902 --> 00:01:26,969 I'm a judge on the same show, you know that. 33 00:01:27,005 --> 00:01:30,006 I have a code of ethics, despite what you might think. I really do. 34 00:01:30,041 --> 00:01:32,642 I know, I'm not asking for you to write jokes for me. I just... 35 00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,144 Yes, you are, that's what you're asking. 36 00:01:34,179 --> 00:01:35,645 Just a sounding board, just a sounding board. 37 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,680 Honestly, you're gonna be fine. I'm serious. 38 00:01:37,715 --> 00:01:39,148 You just need a little ammo going in. 39 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:40,683 You're better at this than you think. 40 00:01:40,718 --> 00:01:43,525 You need fat guy stuff, ugly guy stuff, 41 00:01:43,550 --> 00:01:45,844 gay stuff, uh, fat ugly gay stuff. 42 00:01:46,223 --> 00:01:48,824 [STAMMERING] All the word... I don't wanna call somebody fat, 43 00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:50,993 somebody I don't even know, somebody ugly. 44 00:01:50,994 --> 00:01:52,033 So? 45 00:01:52,058 --> 00:01:54,596 I don't... it's just not... It doesn't feel good. 46 00:01:54,632 --> 00:01:56,331 The only part of a roast that I like 47 00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:57,932 is when you say the nice parts at the end. 48 00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:00,035 - Oh, okay. - Maybe I'll just do that. 49 00:02:00,070 --> 00:02:02,571 I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon. 50 00:02:02,849 --> 00:02:05,216 If this freaks you out so much, why are you even doing it? 51 00:02:05,251 --> 00:02:07,115 Well, Ali's doing it, and I wanted 52 00:02:07,140 --> 00:02:09,253 to show her that I could do it, too. 53 00:02:09,289 --> 00:02:13,257 She... She... She thinks I'm like a fluffy butterfly man... 54 00:02:13,293 --> 00:02:14,425 of course she does. 55 00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:16,527 ...that has no spine. She doesn't think I have any grit. 56 00:02:16,562 --> 00:02:17,861 I wanna show... I wanna do good for her. 57 00:02:17,897 --> 00:02:18,829 You have to do this for yourself. 58 00:02:18,864 --> 00:02:20,965 You gotta get at the jugular vein with this. 59 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,733 Honestly, you know what happened to me once? 60 00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:24,535 I was on a dais with Rich Vos, 61 00:02:24,570 --> 00:02:25,915 And he said this about me: 62 00:02:25,915 --> 00:02:27,959 he said, the worst thing about 9-11 63 00:02:27,984 --> 00:02:29,620 was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey. 64 00:02:30,475 --> 00:02:32,876 If I said that, I wouldn't sleep for a week. 65 00:02:32,912 --> 00:02:35,125 If you said that, you might have a development deal. 66 00:02:35,439 --> 00:02:36,849 I don't like being mean. 67 00:02:40,795 --> 00:02:43,344 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 68 00:02:43,379 --> 00:02:44,646 [LAUGHING] 69 00:02:44,681 --> 00:02:47,849 ALL: Battle! Battle! Battle! 70 00:02:47,884 --> 00:02:51,753 Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! 71 00:02:52,284 --> 00:02:55,420 Uh, you know, Mike Lawrence, you're a really good writer. 72 00:02:55,538 --> 00:02:57,726 I've always loved your writing, especially all 73 00:02:57,751 --> 00:02:59,960 that stuff you do on cardboards at red lights. 74 00:02:59,995 --> 00:03:02,663 [LAUGHTER] 75 00:03:02,698 --> 00:03:04,165 Pew, pew! 76 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,144 Sarah is like a good breakfast. 77 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,387 She's got pancake tits, a butter face, 78 00:03:08,464 --> 00:03:10,304 and a limited supply of eggs. 79 00:03:10,339 --> 00:03:11,905 [LAUGHTER] 80 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:12,940 Mike, you, uh, 81 00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:14,507 you have such a beach body. 82 00:03:14,543 --> 00:03:16,209 And by that I mean the body of somebody 83 00:03:16,244 --> 00:03:18,679 that's been murdered, and washes up on the shore. 84 00:03:18,714 --> 00:03:21,548 [LAUGHTER] 85 00:03:21,697 --> 00:03:24,885 Sarah's from Georgia. You know, it's been tough for her finding a man. 86 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,754 She just can't seem to find Mr. Alt Right. 87 00:03:27,790 --> 00:03:30,590 [LAUGHTER] 88 00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:32,292 Whoa! 89 00:03:32,327 --> 00:03:33,926 Whoa! 90 00:03:33,962 --> 00:03:35,328 Whoa! 91 00:03:36,298 --> 00:03:37,397 Are you nervous? 92 00:03:37,432 --> 00:03:38,465 Uh-huh. 93 00:03:39,434 --> 00:03:40,666 I'm freaking out. 94 00:03:40,702 --> 00:03:42,135 Okay. Just get a drink. 95 00:03:42,170 --> 00:03:43,336 - Yeah, maybe I will. - Yeah. 96 00:03:43,371 --> 00:03:46,005 Uh, who's your first... battler? 97 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,507 Uh, ooh, uh, Damien Lemon. 98 00:03:48,542 --> 00:03:49,508 Ah. 99 00:03:49,543 --> 00:03:52,007 I think he's... Yeah, he's right over there. 100 00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:56,266 He looks, you know... he doesn't look too mean. 101 00:03:56,550 --> 00:03:58,350 Uh, maybe I'll get a Pino Grig. 102 00:03:58,385 --> 00:03:59,518 Feels appropriate. 103 00:03:59,553 --> 00:04:01,932 Whatever's fresh. Chard. 104 00:04:02,163 --> 00:04:04,956 Hey, hey, sorry. They're almost done upstairs. You're next. 105 00:04:04,992 --> 00:04:06,492 - Oh, okay. - Cool, yeah. 106 00:04:06,527 --> 00:04:07,644 How'd it go? 107 00:04:07,967 --> 00:04:10,298 Man, Matteo called me Cedric the Entertainer. 108 00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:12,796 Knocked me right out. Fucking twerp. 109 00:04:12,821 --> 00:04:13,954 I don't look like him. 110 00:04:14,103 --> 00:04:15,733 - No. - I don't think you do. 111 00:04:15,758 --> 00:04:17,291 At least you can relax now. 112 00:04:17,337 --> 00:04:19,671 Relax? You don't want $5,000? 113 00:04:20,034 --> 00:04:23,453 Yeah, of course, but, you know... whew, you know, you're done. 114 00:04:23,454 --> 00:04:25,037 I'm... I'm Pete, we haven't met. 115 00:04:25,072 --> 00:04:26,105 That's Pete. 116 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:27,639 - Hey, Pete. - I'm Ali's boyfriend. 117 00:04:27,674 --> 00:04:29,511 It's your boyfr... He's straight? 118 00:04:29,810 --> 00:04:32,077 You look like you coach girls' field hockey. 119 00:04:32,113 --> 00:04:34,104 You look like He-Man's flabby brother. 120 00:04:34,104 --> 00:04:36,138 - He-Flab. - Ooh! [LAUGHS] 121 00:04:36,173 --> 00:04:37,372 Everybody's, uh, still in roast mode. 122 00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:39,974 [ALI LAUGHS] You look like you're the mascot for soup. 123 00:04:40,009 --> 00:04:42,176 How much food for winter are you storing in your neck? 124 00:04:42,212 --> 00:04:45,246 Girl, fuck me instead, I got a bigger dick than he does. 125 00:04:45,281 --> 00:04:46,948 I'm on fire! 126 00:04:46,983 --> 00:04:48,750 Let me roast you next time. You suck. 127 00:04:48,785 --> 00:04:50,359 All right, I'm gonna get a drink. 128 00:04:53,756 --> 00:04:55,123 You'll do great. 129 00:04:56,345 --> 00:04:59,793 It looks like we found Waldo, you guys, in a ditch. 130 00:04:59,829 --> 00:05:00,821 [LAUGHTER] 131 00:05:01,091 --> 00:05:03,464 Yeah, I was lying next to your career. 132 00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:06,033 [LAUGHTER AND CHEERS] 133 00:05:06,069 --> 00:05:09,170 ? 134 00:05:09,205 --> 00:05:10,967 - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] - Woo! 135 00:05:13,559 --> 00:05:15,792 Wow. That was a bloodbath. 136 00:05:15,944 --> 00:05:17,678 Artie, who do you like in this one? 137 00:05:17,713 --> 00:05:19,680 In honor of, uh, everyone in Jersey, 138 00:05:19,715 --> 00:05:20,927 I'm going with the broad. 139 00:05:20,927 --> 00:05:23,717 Sarah. Good job. Sarah. 140 00:05:23,753 --> 00:05:24,787 [APPLAUSE] 141 00:05:24,812 --> 00:05:25,811 Beth Stelling? 142 00:05:25,836 --> 00:05:26,819 Sarah, blink twice 143 00:05:26,855 --> 00:05:29,089 if this is actually a hostage situation. 144 00:05:29,124 --> 00:05:30,123 [LAUGHS] 145 00:05:30,158 --> 00:05:32,125 Listen, I... I never side with the victim, 146 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,159 so I'm going with Mike. 147 00:05:33,445 --> 00:05:35,820 - [APPLAUSE] - Ooh, tied up, Jeff. 148 00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:36,828 Who do you like? 149 00:05:36,828 --> 00:05:38,631 Well, you both had some great jokes, 150 00:05:38,666 --> 00:05:39,900 you both killed. 151 00:05:39,935 --> 00:05:41,434 This is tricky. Sarah's from the South, 152 00:05:41,469 --> 00:05:43,903 but Mike looks like the Confederate general 153 00:05:43,938 --> 00:05:45,538 she named her cat after. 154 00:05:45,573 --> 00:05:47,106 [LAUGHTER] 155 00:05:47,141 --> 00:05:50,142 I think Mike squeaked this one out. Congrats, Unabomber. 156 00:05:50,177 --> 00:05:52,801 - [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] - That's Mike Lawrence! 157 00:05:58,653 --> 00:06:00,452 That brings us to our next challengers. 158 00:06:00,487 --> 00:06:04,032 She's a left-leaning Jew, his dad left when he was two. 159 00:06:04,258 --> 00:06:06,725 It's Black Lives Matter versus Stepford Wives. 160 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,228 Make it loud for Damien Lemon and Ali Reissen! 161 00:06:09,263 --> 00:06:12,564 [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] 162 00:06:16,598 --> 00:06:18,036 Battlers, are we ready? 163 00:06:18,071 --> 00:06:20,238 Oh, yeah, I mean, I think this is gonna be a fair battle, 164 00:06:20,273 --> 00:06:22,140 'cause even though I have more experience roasting, 165 00:06:22,175 --> 00:06:25,443 Damien has more experience speaking in front of judges, so... 166 00:06:25,478 --> 00:06:26,945 [LAUGHTER] 167 00:06:26,980 --> 00:06:28,012 Hear, hear. 168 00:06:28,048 --> 00:06:29,380 [CHUCKLES] Guilty. 169 00:06:29,416 --> 00:06:32,616 Speaking of judges, this is the closest I've felt like O.J. Simpson, 170 00:06:32,652 --> 00:06:34,485 because I'm about to murder this white bitch 171 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,786 and walk off Scot-free! 172 00:06:35,822 --> 00:06:38,121 [AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERS] 173 00:06:38,157 --> 00:06:40,591 Not guilty! Not guilty! Not guilty! 174 00:06:40,626 --> 00:06:42,626 All right, all right. Save that heat. 175 00:06:42,662 --> 00:06:43,885 Who wants to go first? 176 00:06:43,885 --> 00:06:44,922 Ladies first. 177 00:06:44,922 --> 00:06:46,729 Oh, I totally agree. Damien? 178 00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,955 - Whoa! Damien, you're up. Let's roast! - Fair enough. 179 00:06:49,990 --> 00:06:52,791 [CHANTING] Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! 180 00:06:52,826 --> 00:06:54,092 Roast! Roast! 181 00:06:54,127 --> 00:06:56,428 - Ali, I'm on MTV. - Mm. 182 00:06:56,463 --> 00:06:58,063 I think you should be, too. 183 00:06:58,098 --> 00:07:00,465 You know? You got the body of a Teen Mom, 184 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,190 you got the face of a Catfish, 185 00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:05,002 and your pussy is Wild 'n Out! 186 00:07:05,038 --> 00:07:08,766 Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! 187 00:07:09,176 --> 00:07:12,176 That joke was weaker than Damien's credit score. 188 00:07:12,211 --> 00:07:13,581 - Now, listen... - [LAUGHTER] 189 00:07:14,447 --> 00:07:16,246 It's true, Damien, you book a lot of roles, 190 00:07:16,282 --> 00:07:18,727 even though you're a shitty actor. 191 00:07:19,218 --> 00:07:21,834 Before each take, the director has to yell, 192 00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:23,320 "Affirmative... action!" 193 00:07:23,355 --> 00:07:24,923 [LAUGHTER] 194 00:07:24,923 --> 00:07:28,232 Ali, you look like if white privilege had a HR department. 195 00:07:28,359 --> 00:07:30,626 - [LAUGHTER] - _ 196 00:07:33,299 --> 00:07:35,633 Damien, you look like a black ghost 197 00:07:35,658 --> 00:07:37,434 that haunts barber shops. 198 00:07:37,470 --> 00:07:39,035 [LAUGHTER] 199 00:07:39,071 --> 00:07:41,605 Ali, your name is beautiful. 200 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,941 You know, your parents named you after the place you were conceived. 201 00:07:44,977 --> 00:07:48,678 [LAUGHTER] 202 00:07:55,186 --> 00:07:58,154 Hey, Tony. Pete Holmes. 203 00:07:58,189 --> 00:08:00,123 Uh, we're roasting each other. 204 00:08:01,499 --> 00:08:02,857 Have you done this before? 205 00:08:04,736 --> 00:08:06,255 I'd rather not talk. 206 00:08:07,472 --> 00:08:08,437 Excuse me? 207 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,863 It's just, anything I say could be something 208 00:08:10,898 --> 00:08:12,561 that you use against me. 209 00:08:12,929 --> 00:08:15,153 Oh, no, I... I already wrote my jokes. 210 00:08:15,432 --> 00:08:16,958 They're not even that mean. 211 00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:18,363 Are... Are yours? 212 00:08:20,234 --> 00:08:22,769 Serious. Truce, you know, we can just shoot the breeze. 213 00:08:22,804 --> 00:08:23,970 I... I... I don't... 214 00:08:24,005 --> 00:08:27,139 See? Now I know you say things like "shoot the breeze," 215 00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:29,568 and that you have really soft hands. 216 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:33,892 They're sweaty, too. 217 00:08:37,418 --> 00:08:40,286 JEFF ROSS: You had some great jokes, some really great jokes, 218 00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:42,713 super hilarious. You got my vote. 219 00:08:42,714 --> 00:08:44,678 - [APPLAUSE] - Thank you. 220 00:08:45,418 --> 00:08:47,098 BRIAN: Beth Stelling, who do you like? 221 00:08:47,381 --> 00:08:48,552 I pick Ali! 222 00:08:48,587 --> 00:08:50,554 - Ah! - Ali wins! 223 00:08:50,589 --> 00:08:52,422 - Hug each other! - Sorry! 224 00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:54,832 Sorry! 225 00:08:57,730 --> 00:08:58,829 - LEIF: Peter! - Hey. 226 00:08:58,864 --> 00:09:00,196 Ah. What? Hi! 227 00:09:00,232 --> 00:09:01,932 Hey, man, sorry we're late. Did we miss anything? 228 00:09:01,967 --> 00:09:04,535 No. What... What are you doing here? 229 00:09:04,570 --> 00:09:06,269 We came here to support you, brother. 230 00:09:06,304 --> 00:09:07,737 Yeah, Leif saw it on your Instagram. 231 00:09:07,772 --> 00:09:10,773 And, I mean, frankly, I couldn't imagine you roasting anyone, so... 232 00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:13,228 Yeah. Yep. 233 00:09:13,253 --> 00:09:14,911 You never used to come to my shows, 234 00:09:14,946 --> 00:09:18,281 so it's a little bit... you know, it's jarring to see you, you know. 235 00:09:18,316 --> 00:09:19,815 I... I'm being supportive. 236 00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:22,513 Yeah... you are, thank you. 237 00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,667 Thank you both. Why don't we see if the... 238 00:09:24,692 --> 00:09:27,356 - Hey, who's this? - Hey, man, I'm Leif. This is Jess. 239 00:09:27,391 --> 00:09:29,124 - Hi. Jess. - Are you competing, too? 240 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,827 Yeah, Pete and I are roasting each other tonight. Roasting each other. 241 00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,985 Oh, boy. Careful though, 'cause he 242 00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:36,231 looks really sweet, but he's not. 243 00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:38,833 He practices his roasting on me all the time. 244 00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:41,103 - TONY: I see. - And who are you, exactly? 245 00:09:41,138 --> 00:09:43,405 - No. - No, it's a short, fun, cool story. 246 00:09:43,441 --> 00:09:45,107 I don't really think that's a fun story. 247 00:09:45,142 --> 00:09:46,475 Not for the guy who's roasting me. 248 00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:48,510 Well, he's... We're intertwined souls. 249 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,844 - PETE: No. No. No. - We were married. 250 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,047 - No! - Ah! This is the... 251 00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:53,372 - Now we're roommates. - No! 252 00:09:53,397 --> 00:09:55,116 - Stop that! - We were. It's not a big deal. 253 00:09:55,151 --> 00:09:57,919 - He's our friend. - This is worlds colliding, I like my... 254 00:09:57,955 --> 00:10:00,088 One galaxy, though, Peter. It's the same galaxy. 255 00:10:00,123 --> 00:10:01,890 - Worlds colliding... - It doesn't matter now. 256 00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:03,992 Why don't we see if there are seats for you guys? 257 00:10:04,027 --> 00:10:06,127 - Okay, great. - Good to see you. 258 00:10:06,162 --> 00:10:09,998 Hey, good luck! Good to meet you guys. 259 00:10:10,033 --> 00:10:11,799 ? 260 00:10:15,371 --> 00:10:17,572 Tony Hinchcliffe looks like a schoolboy, 261 00:10:17,607 --> 00:10:20,108 and Pete Holmes looks homeschooled. 262 00:10:20,143 --> 00:10:21,642 [LAUGHTER] 263 00:10:21,677 --> 00:10:24,312 Make it loud for Pete Holmes and Tony Hinchcliffe! 264 00:10:24,347 --> 00:10:27,482 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 265 00:10:30,219 --> 00:10:32,620 All right, are we ready to do this, gentlemen? 266 00:10:32,655 --> 00:10:35,489 - Yes. - Yeah. I, uh, I met Pete before the show. 267 00:10:35,524 --> 00:10:37,758 His hand's so clammy that he doesn't masturbate, 268 00:10:37,793 --> 00:10:39,359 he just waterboards his own dick. 269 00:10:39,394 --> 00:10:41,662 [LAUGHTER] 270 00:10:41,697 --> 00:10:43,351 Are... Are we starting? 271 00:10:44,166 --> 00:10:45,265 Yes. 272 00:10:45,608 --> 00:10:47,710 I thought you had to say, "Let's roast, everybody." 273 00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,737 Well, you could be funny anytime you want, Pete, 274 00:10:50,772 --> 00:10:52,305 there's a microphone in front of you. 275 00:10:52,341 --> 00:10:53,373 [LAUGHTER] 276 00:10:53,408 --> 00:10:55,519 I'd like to... play by the rules. 277 00:10:55,910 --> 00:10:57,611 - Jesus! - Okay, good... good intro. 278 00:10:57,646 --> 00:10:58,844 Who wants to go first? 279 00:10:58,844 --> 00:11:00,280 Let Pete go first, 280 00:11:00,315 --> 00:11:01,714 he has to get back to being the Muppet 281 00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:04,117 that's gonna gentrify Sesame Street. 282 00:11:04,152 --> 00:11:06,619 [LAUGHTER] 283 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,221 I... I don't mind... I don't mind going first. 284 00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:16,813 Uh, unlike all the women here, I don't mind if Tony follows me. 285 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,261 [QUIET LAUGHTER] 286 00:11:20,296 --> 00:11:23,664 Soft jab. Pete, Tony, let's roast! 287 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:27,535 [BELL RINGS] [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] 288 00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:31,057 Hey, Tony, um... why the extremely long face? 289 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,176 [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 290 00:11:35,176 --> 00:11:36,340 Is that it? 291 00:11:37,245 --> 00:11:39,277 PETE: Uh, yeah, you look forlorn. 292 00:11:40,882 --> 00:11:44,183 Pete is somehow both creepy and nonthreatening. 293 00:11:44,218 --> 00:11:47,319 He's like the blond mustache on a paraplegic man. 294 00:11:47,354 --> 00:11:50,822 [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] 295 00:11:51,173 --> 00:11:54,409 Tony Hinchcliffe, uh, you look like Tony Robbins. 296 00:11:54,444 --> 00:11:56,821 And simultaneously someone who desperately 297 00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:58,646 needs the help of Tony Robbins. 298 00:11:58,681 --> 00:12:00,782 [LAUGHTER] 299 00:12:00,817 --> 00:12:01,959 Ah-ha! 300 00:12:02,184 --> 00:12:05,386 Pete looks like if someone put all of Donald Trump's sons 301 00:12:05,422 --> 00:12:07,587 in the microwave at the same time. 302 00:12:07,623 --> 00:12:09,957 - [LOUD LAUGHTER] - Yeah! 303 00:12:10,768 --> 00:12:13,409 Tony, uh, Tony looks like he's hiding the fact 304 00:12:13,479 --> 00:12:15,853 that he got bit by a zombie four hours ago. 305 00:12:15,885 --> 00:12:18,750 [LAUGHTER] 306 00:12:18,785 --> 00:12:19,984 [LAUGHS] 307 00:12:20,344 --> 00:12:23,179 Pete's career is a lot like his ex-wife's pussy. 308 00:12:23,214 --> 00:12:26,971 They're both gonna be opening for losers for the rest of their lives. 309 00:12:26,971 --> 00:12:28,636 [AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS] 310 00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:30,529 Too soon. 311 00:12:30,774 --> 00:12:32,304 [LAUGHS] 312 00:12:32,576 --> 00:12:34,348 What? It's funny. 313 00:12:34,395 --> 00:12:36,122 BRIAN: Pete! Last joke. 314 00:12:37,013 --> 00:12:39,481 Uh, Tony, you're so thin and white, 315 00:12:39,516 --> 00:12:42,549 I'm only standing here to make sure Artie doesn't snort you. 316 00:12:42,585 --> 00:12:45,486 [LOUD LAUGHTER] 317 00:12:45,521 --> 00:12:46,988 [MOUTHS] 318 00:12:47,023 --> 00:12:49,357 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 319 00:12:49,392 --> 00:12:52,659 ? 320 00:12:52,695 --> 00:12:55,596 That was incredible. Judges, what do we think about this one? 321 00:12:55,631 --> 00:12:59,165 Dude, what the fuck was that? You were so nice offstage. 322 00:12:59,201 --> 00:13:00,630 ARTIE: Yeah, when did you grow some balls? 323 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:03,069 BETH: Seriously, look at him, he looks like a priest. 324 00:13:03,105 --> 00:13:06,540 That makes sense, actually, 'cause he just fucked this little boy. 325 00:13:06,575 --> 00:13:09,209 [GROANS, LAUGHTER] 326 00:13:09,468 --> 00:13:11,378 Pete, this is your first battle ever? 327 00:13:11,414 --> 00:13:13,380 - Yeah. - I mean, it was a close one, 328 00:13:13,415 --> 00:13:16,950 but the Tony Robbins joke, the cocaine thing at the end, 329 00:13:16,985 --> 00:13:19,419 the zombie joke... You killed it, buddy. 330 00:13:19,454 --> 00:13:21,554 Congratulations, you're moving on. 331 00:13:21,589 --> 00:13:23,456 [CHEERING] 332 00:13:23,491 --> 00:13:25,591 His first battle! His first win! 333 00:13:25,627 --> 00:13:27,193 - [CHEERING] - Pete Holmes! 334 00:13:27,729 --> 00:13:31,674 Pete, you're moving on to round two to face Ali Reissen! 335 00:13:31,766 --> 00:13:34,834 [CHEERING, APPLAUDING] 336 00:13:36,538 --> 00:13:38,604 I can't believe you beat Tony. 337 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,005 Holy shit! 338 00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:42,775 I don't... I didn't... It didn't feel good. I feel like... 339 00:13:42,811 --> 00:13:44,009 - Hey. - Hi. 340 00:13:44,045 --> 00:13:45,478 - Hi. - You did so great. 341 00:13:45,513 --> 00:13:47,079 - Oh, thank you. - Yeah. 342 00:13:47,114 --> 00:13:48,414 Oh my God! 343 00:13:48,656 --> 00:13:50,408 - That was amazing, what was that? - [STAMMERS] 344 00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:52,400 I don't know, I... Do you have Tony's e-mail? 345 00:13:52,593 --> 00:13:54,193 - I don't want to... - Are you kidding me right now? 346 00:13:54,228 --> 00:13:56,995 You wanna e-mail him? You won fair and square. 347 00:13:57,031 --> 00:13:58,213 Let him lick his wounds. 348 00:13:58,499 --> 00:14:00,846 Besides, now you get to go against moi. 349 00:14:00,846 --> 00:14:03,080 - Mm. - You two are roasting each other? 350 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,447 - Yeah. - I have nothing. 351 00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:05,548 - Oh my God. - I have nothing. 352 00:14:05,583 --> 00:14:06,882 You're fine. What do you mean you have nothing? 353 00:14:06,918 --> 00:14:09,785 It's gonna be so fun. I didn't think I'd get this far. 354 00:14:09,821 --> 00:14:13,088 And now, the judges... the judges are gonna destroy me. 355 00:14:13,123 --> 00:14:15,290 If any of the judges fuck with you, you just tell 356 00:14:15,326 --> 00:14:17,526 Jeff Ross he looks like somebody skinned a penis. 357 00:14:17,562 --> 00:14:19,094 - [LAUGHS] That's funny. - Thank you. 358 00:14:19,129 --> 00:14:21,096 - Can I have that? - Of course. 359 00:14:21,131 --> 00:14:22,630 - I can have that. - Absolutely. 360 00:14:22,666 --> 00:14:25,699 - Okay. - Keep it loose. This is fun, okay? 361 00:14:26,270 --> 00:14:27,802 All right, I have to look over these jokes. 362 00:14:27,838 --> 00:14:29,680 What are you... Is that for me? 363 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,369 Mm, maybe. 364 00:14:31,394 --> 00:14:33,233 You still kiss your mom on the lips, right? 365 00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:36,563 - Don't... - That's kind of what I'm working with. 366 00:14:37,180 --> 00:14:39,914 - It's gonna be good. See you later. Bye. - Bye. 367 00:14:39,950 --> 00:14:41,015 Bye. 368 00:14:42,018 --> 00:14:44,586 Uh, she seems pretty pumped. 369 00:14:44,621 --> 00:14:46,556 I hope you actually have jokes. 370 00:14:46,556 --> 00:14:47,622 I got nothing. 371 00:14:47,657 --> 00:14:49,156 I don't know if I can do this. 372 00:14:49,192 --> 00:14:50,191 - Why? - Why? 373 00:14:50,226 --> 00:14:52,459 'Cause she's my... you... That's my girlfriend. 374 00:14:52,494 --> 00:14:54,461 I don't want to roast my girlfriend. 375 00:14:54,532 --> 00:14:57,533 If you say something mean to her, you're treating her like an equal. 376 00:14:57,568 --> 00:15:00,208 That's... that's what you're supposed to do. She's a peer. 377 00:15:00,279 --> 00:15:02,154 I'm protective of my peer. 378 00:15:02,155 --> 00:15:05,623 I want her to be good, and safe, and whole, and complete, 379 00:15:05,657 --> 00:15:09,348 not called... some ugly bitch. 380 00:15:09,423 --> 00:15:10,438 I got nothing. 381 00:15:10,462 --> 00:15:13,763 If you really love her, then you gotta get up there, 382 00:15:13,799 --> 00:15:15,243 and you shit all over her. 383 00:15:17,223 --> 00:15:18,255 Oh, boy. 384 00:15:18,604 --> 00:15:19,870 [CHEERS, APPLAUSE] 385 00:15:19,905 --> 00:15:22,672 BRIAN: Yes! I love this show! 386 00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:24,524 - Hey. - Hi. 387 00:15:24,943 --> 00:15:26,612 BRIAN: I love hatred. 388 00:15:26,811 --> 00:15:28,299 [CHEERING] 389 00:15:28,353 --> 00:15:29,412 Love this show. 390 00:15:29,447 --> 00:15:31,568 I just want to say, you know, have fun. 391 00:15:32,117 --> 00:15:35,264 And, um, my middle name is Benedict. 392 00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:38,754 I don't know if you knew, but that might be something. 393 00:15:38,789 --> 00:15:41,080 Nah, I don't need help. I have plenty. 394 00:15:44,228 --> 00:15:46,294 BRIAN: I'm excited for this next battle, 395 00:15:46,330 --> 00:15:48,697 because these two comics are dating. 396 00:15:49,090 --> 00:15:50,966 I didn't know that, did you? 397 00:15:51,002 --> 00:15:52,043 I didn't. 398 00:15:52,904 --> 00:15:55,571 Who's ready to see a live domestic dispute? 399 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:56,805 [CHEERING] 400 00:15:56,841 --> 00:15:58,340 Who wants to see a bloodbath? 401 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,442 - [CHEERING] - Let's bring 'em out! 402 00:16:00,477 --> 00:16:02,430 Pete Holmes! Ali Reissen! 403 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:04,807 Woo! Roast! Roast! 404 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,882 AUDIENCE: Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! 405 00:16:07,918 --> 00:16:10,852 - Yes! - Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! 406 00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,354 Roast! Roast! Roast! 407 00:16:12,389 --> 00:16:14,124 - Let's roast! - [BELL DINGS] 408 00:16:14,558 --> 00:16:16,724 [CHEERING] 409 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,793 Guys, it's so good to be here. Um... 410 00:16:18,828 --> 00:16:20,028 Ooh, boy. [CHUCKLES] 411 00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:21,962 Well, obviously you can see that Pete 412 00:16:21,997 --> 00:16:24,247 looks like a sweet golden retriever. 413 00:16:25,034 --> 00:16:26,600 He's also like that in the bedroom. 414 00:16:26,635 --> 00:16:28,869 - [LAUGHTER, GROANS] - It's true, he is. 415 00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,456 When he goes down on me, he slobbers 416 00:16:30,481 --> 00:16:32,138 so much that the only way I can come 417 00:16:32,174 --> 00:16:34,007 is if I'm, like, "Babe, go fetch my vibrator." 418 00:16:35,166 --> 00:16:37,611 - JEFF: Brutal! Brutal! - Oh, my God. 419 00:16:37,645 --> 00:16:39,145 You should get laid, babe. 420 00:16:39,181 --> 00:16:42,115 Oh, Jeff, you look like somebody skinned a penis. 421 00:16:42,150 --> 00:16:44,517 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 422 00:16:44,553 --> 00:16:47,187 Oh, also, um, Pete sits down to pee. 423 00:16:47,579 --> 00:16:50,088 It's fine. No, yeah, you do. It's not even a joke. 424 00:16:50,089 --> 00:16:53,382 I think he sits down 'cause it's easier to put the tampons in that way. 425 00:16:53,418 --> 00:16:55,644 - [AUDIENCE GROANS] - [LAUGHS] 426 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,488 I'm sorry, I feel like we need a safe word or something. 427 00:16:59,523 --> 00:17:00,622 No, no, no. You're right. You're right. 428 00:17:00,658 --> 00:17:03,731 Um, the safe word should be "stop being a fucking pussy." 429 00:17:04,228 --> 00:17:06,511 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 430 00:17:07,065 --> 00:17:08,794 JEFF: Come on, one joke at a time. 431 00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:10,293 The rules. Pete goes. 432 00:17:10,575 --> 00:17:12,397 Uh... um, 433 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,932 I'm not the first comedian that Ali has been with. 434 00:17:15,362 --> 00:17:17,336 Uh, in fact, her list of former lovers 435 00:17:17,361 --> 00:17:19,489 reads like an open mike sign-up sheet. 436 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,873 [LAUGHTER] 437 00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,509 - JEFF: Sign me up! - Which makes sense, 438 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,310 'cause the only thing you need to get on her 439 00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:27,945 is to buy her two drinks. 440 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,379 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 441 00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:31,815 AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Two drink minimum! Two drink minimum! 442 00:17:31,851 --> 00:17:33,584 Two-drink minimum! 443 00:17:34,225 --> 00:17:36,921 Pete is a Christian comic, obviously. 444 00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,957 Um... And, you know, he really abides by the commandment 445 00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,414 when he's on stage, "Thou shalt not kill." 446 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,694 [LAUGHTER] 447 00:17:44,729 --> 00:17:47,197 News flash, Pete: Jesus isn't coming back, 448 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,032 and neither is your wife. 449 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,268 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 450 00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:54,304 That's right. They both got nailed and are in a better place. 451 00:17:54,339 --> 00:17:57,307 [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] 452 00:18:01,913 --> 00:18:05,233 [MUFFLED VOICES] 453 00:18:06,484 --> 00:18:10,219 MAN [MUFFLED]: Pete, go. Pete, go. Come on! 454 00:18:10,254 --> 00:18:12,722 [VOICES MURMURING] 455 00:18:14,059 --> 00:18:15,416 Uh... 456 00:18:15,794 --> 00:18:16,992 Wow. 457 00:18:22,464 --> 00:18:24,430 Ali, uh, it's hard to make fun of you 458 00:18:24,455 --> 00:18:26,656 because you already have body dysmorphia, 459 00:18:26,656 --> 00:18:29,446 which means, Artie, that she thinks she's fat. 460 00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:33,495 I always have to reassure her, "Baby, you're not fat, you're stupid." 461 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,694 [LAUGHTER, GROANS] 462 00:18:36,729 --> 00:18:39,596 - Wow. - Pete has a lot of moles on his face. 463 00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,599 A lot of moles, but they're not cancerous, 464 00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:44,582 they're completely benign, just like his act. 465 00:18:44,737 --> 00:18:47,190 [LAUGHTER] 466 00:18:47,674 --> 00:18:49,107 She thinks she has cellulite. 467 00:18:49,326 --> 00:18:53,172 I always reassure her, that's not cellulite, that's acne scarring. 468 00:18:53,479 --> 00:18:55,579 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 469 00:18:55,615 --> 00:18:58,716 Well, I mean, it's true I thought about having plastic surgery, 470 00:18:58,751 --> 00:19:01,819 but I don't really think there's a need for, like, Botox, 471 00:19:01,854 --> 00:19:04,955 because, um, the poison that I put in my body is Pete. 472 00:19:04,990 --> 00:19:06,756 - [AUDIENCE GROANS] - Hey-oh! 473 00:19:06,792 --> 00:19:08,926 PETE: Ali, I'm so happy to see you finally acting 474 00:19:08,961 --> 00:19:12,160 like your vagina onstage, so comfortable and loose. 475 00:19:12,631 --> 00:19:14,935 [GROANING] 476 00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:16,366 Pete, your ex-wife called. 477 00:19:16,401 --> 00:19:18,668 She said she's really sorry about cheating on you. 478 00:19:18,704 --> 00:19:20,070 At least I think that's what she said. 479 00:19:20,105 --> 00:19:23,206 I couldn't hear her 'cause she had so much cock in her mouth, so... 480 00:19:23,241 --> 00:19:25,854 [GROANS, APPLAUSE] 481 00:19:26,277 --> 00:19:28,493 BRIAN: Last joke of the battle. 482 00:19:29,139 --> 00:19:31,222 Ali, you did great tonight. You did really, 483 00:19:31,247 --> 00:19:32,974 really great, really, really funny. 484 00:19:33,009 --> 00:19:35,467 Eh, not really. I haven't seen someone choke this hard 485 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,335 since I sucked on your nipple hair. 486 00:19:37,335 --> 00:19:40,135 [GROANS, APPLAUSE] 487 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:43,602 Ali's, uh, right nipple is so hairy... 488 00:19:44,140 --> 00:19:45,973 AUDIENCE: How hairy is it? 489 00:19:46,008 --> 00:19:48,968 She named the left one "And the Hendersons." 490 00:19:49,111 --> 00:19:52,579 [LAUGHING] 491 00:19:52,614 --> 00:19:54,381 [CHEERING] 492 00:19:54,416 --> 00:19:55,649 [LAUGHS] 493 00:19:55,684 --> 00:19:58,284 Ho-ho-ho! Wow, you two! 494 00:19:58,749 --> 00:20:01,104 - Really! Woo! - [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 495 00:20:01,104 --> 00:20:02,403 [ALI LAUGHS] 496 00:20:02,818 --> 00:20:04,673 What do we think about that one? Beth? 497 00:20:04,708 --> 00:20:06,341 Wow, Pete, you were like Jesus. 498 00:20:06,377 --> 00:20:08,877 You died, and then three jokes later, rose again. 499 00:20:08,912 --> 00:20:10,345 - [LAUGHS] - [APPLAUSE] 500 00:20:10,381 --> 00:20:12,080 Artie Lange, who do you like? 501 00:20:12,115 --> 00:20:15,149 ARTIE: Uh, I... I don't know. I... I like Pete, 502 00:20:15,185 --> 00:20:17,894 uh, but I don't want him back on my fucking couch, 503 00:20:17,952 --> 00:20:20,454 to tell you the truth, uh, so it's a dilemma. 504 00:20:20,454 --> 00:20:22,661 - I gotta give it to Ali. - [APPLAUSE, CHEERS] 505 00:20:23,457 --> 00:20:25,490 BRIAN: Tied up, Jeff. Who do you wanna see win this thing? 506 00:20:25,526 --> 00:20:28,327 Well, first of all, this was the best battle of the night for me, 507 00:20:28,362 --> 00:20:30,537 so give it up for these two, you killed it. 508 00:20:30,537 --> 00:20:32,237 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 509 00:20:32,274 --> 00:20:33,550 Vicious. 510 00:20:35,112 --> 00:20:38,247 Ali, you had some killers that got super personal, 511 00:20:38,282 --> 00:20:41,451 but, Pete, you really went for the jugular today, and, uh, 512 00:20:41,486 --> 00:20:43,853 I'm proud of you, buddy. You got my vote. 513 00:20:43,888 --> 00:20:46,333 - Pete Holmes is the winner! - [BELL DINGS] 514 00:20:46,891 --> 00:20:49,285 [CHEERING] 515 00:20:52,629 --> 00:20:54,830 ? 516 00:20:54,866 --> 00:20:57,632 Pete's gonna face Mike Lawrence in the finals! 517 00:20:57,668 --> 00:20:59,355 [CHEERING] 518 00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:00,527 Yeah! 519 00:21:03,543 --> 00:21:05,240 Hey, whoa. Congrats, Pete. 520 00:21:05,275 --> 00:21:07,008 Yeah, that was so awesome, man, cold-blooded. 521 00:21:07,043 --> 00:21:09,689 Thanks. Excuse... I'm sorry, I have to find Ali. 522 00:21:09,714 --> 00:21:11,051 - Excuse me. - Oh. 523 00:21:15,519 --> 00:21:17,919 [CHATTERING] 524 00:21:20,123 --> 00:21:23,022 Hi! You were incredible. 525 00:21:24,422 --> 00:21:25,722 That was incredible! 526 00:21:25,758 --> 00:21:27,590 Oh my God. The back and the forth. 527 00:21:27,626 --> 00:21:29,577 Phew! It was like rough sex. 528 00:21:29,828 --> 00:21:31,831 - I... Yeah... - In a good way. 529 00:21:32,197 --> 00:21:35,028 You... are sexy when you're mean. 530 00:21:36,934 --> 00:21:38,952 - Al... - What? 531 00:21:39,638 --> 00:21:43,373 You just... you just used a lot of stuff that I told you, 532 00:21:43,408 --> 00:21:46,576 private stuff, in confidence, against me. You just... 533 00:21:46,611 --> 00:21:48,244 - Pete... - You totally sold me out. 534 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,946 You did the same thing to me, it's a roast battle. 535 00:21:50,982 --> 00:21:53,621 I did it to you because you did it to me. I was just... 536 00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,551 What is this? I know you are, but what am I? 537 00:21:55,586 --> 00:21:57,345 What are you talking about? 538 00:21:57,922 --> 00:21:59,088 I didn't... 539 00:21:59,123 --> 00:22:02,435 It didn't feel the same, I was... retaliating. 540 00:22:03,795 --> 00:22:05,795 - Um... - I followed your lead, you know? 541 00:22:05,830 --> 00:22:08,530 I wasn't... I didn't even write most of that. 542 00:22:08,566 --> 00:22:12,434 I'm just scrambling to think of mean shit to say to keep up. 543 00:22:13,904 --> 00:22:16,838 That's even worse. Then you were just speaking from the heart. 544 00:22:16,873 --> 00:22:18,323 - I just... - [SCOFFS] 545 00:22:20,611 --> 00:22:22,578 I didn't want to throw you under the bus. 546 00:22:22,613 --> 00:22:24,545 - I don't care! I'm fine! - I didn't want you... 547 00:22:24,886 --> 00:22:26,614 I didn't want you to throw me under the bus. 548 00:22:26,649 --> 00:22:30,051 I thought we had different rules than Damien Lemon. 549 00:22:30,087 --> 00:22:33,154 - I... I thought... - What kind of comedian can't take a joke? 550 00:22:33,516 --> 00:22:35,023 Are you even a comedian? 551 00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:40,586 Fuck... you. That's what you say to me right now? 552 00:22:40,621 --> 00:22:43,391 - No... - I'm not Tony Hinchcliffe. 553 00:22:43,391 --> 00:22:45,725 - No! - We have an alliance! 554 00:22:45,761 --> 00:22:48,662 - And you just... - Not when we're onstage, performing! 555 00:22:48,697 --> 00:22:50,730 What, do you want me to go up and be, like, 556 00:22:50,766 --> 00:22:52,699 - Okay. - "Oh, Pete's a great guy!" 557 00:22:52,734 --> 00:22:55,034 No laughs, like, that doesn't make sense! 558 00:22:55,070 --> 00:22:56,492 I don't think you had to say that my 559 00:22:56,516 --> 00:22:58,070 wife had cock in her mouth or that... 560 00:22:58,106 --> 00:22:59,638 - She did! - Yeah. 561 00:22:59,674 --> 00:23:01,001 It's funny! 562 00:23:04,346 --> 00:23:07,513 I don't know how I walk away from that and just forget that you said it. 563 00:23:07,548 --> 00:23:10,049 I'm just gonna delete the memory of that? 564 00:23:10,085 --> 00:23:12,818 - You want to go to dinner tomorrow... - God, this is so exhausting! Yes! 565 00:23:12,854 --> 00:23:15,053 ...and just act like you didn't say that shit? 566 00:23:15,089 --> 00:23:17,022 - Yes! - That you want my moles... 567 00:23:17,057 --> 00:23:20,593 What, do you think I'm sitting here obsessing about my cellulite? 568 00:23:20,938 --> 00:23:23,128 - That was... - I mean, get over yourself. 569 00:23:23,624 --> 00:23:26,732 - Great. - You're just as selfish, 570 00:23:26,767 --> 00:23:28,802 and fucked up, and mean, 571 00:23:29,305 --> 00:23:31,031 as everybody around you. 572 00:23:31,338 --> 00:23:34,206 They just have the balls to say that they have those qualities, 573 00:23:34,241 --> 00:23:37,809 while you act like you're better than everybody! 574 00:23:39,046 --> 00:23:42,580 You're afraid of God, so you hide your feelings. 575 00:23:44,784 --> 00:23:47,318 ? 576 00:23:50,718 --> 00:23:54,386 I don't... want to date. 577 00:23:55,795 --> 00:23:57,595 ? 578 00:23:59,265 --> 00:24:00,550 I'm sorry. 579 00:24:04,970 --> 00:24:07,283 - I just... - This is good. No, this is good. 580 00:24:08,741 --> 00:24:10,274 How is that good? I... 581 00:24:10,645 --> 00:24:12,416 Because I don't want to be with someone 582 00:24:12,441 --> 00:24:14,083 who doesn't fucking know who they are. 583 00:24:16,049 --> 00:24:17,829 Pete, they're ready for you. 584 00:24:23,789 --> 00:24:26,857 I... I'm with... I'm against Mike Lawrence, 585 00:24:26,892 --> 00:24:30,240 - I have to... - Oh, yeah. Go be nice. 586 00:24:38,034 --> 00:24:41,369 Pete is the first person to have stepdad bod. 587 00:24:41,394 --> 00:24:43,594 Pete, you Pillsbury dough adult. 588 00:24:43,741 --> 00:24:45,875 The only difference between you and white bread, 589 00:24:45,910 --> 00:24:48,313 is that white bread has less carbs. 590 00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:50,780 [LAUGHTER] 591 00:24:50,815 --> 00:24:53,449 He looks like he was kicked out of the Mormon Church 592 00:24:53,484 --> 00:24:55,017 for not being cool enough. 593 00:24:55,053 --> 00:24:57,720 [LAUGHTER] 594 00:25:00,424 --> 00:25:04,193 The only adventure Pete's ever been on was trying Chipotle. 595 00:25:04,228 --> 00:25:06,128 [LAUGHTER] 596 00:25:09,866 --> 00:25:12,468 Your comedy is like conversion therapy. 597 00:25:12,503 --> 00:25:14,269 It's not working for you. 598 00:25:14,305 --> 00:25:16,972 [LAUGHTER] 599 00:25:24,615 --> 00:25:28,149 ? 600 00:25:48,671 --> 00:25:51,539 ? 601 00:26:10,626 --> 00:26:13,460 ? 602 00:26:26,607 --> 00:26:28,240 MAN: Okay, Pete. I'm just going to do 603 00:26:28,276 --> 00:26:30,576 a quick assessment of the vehicle before I give you the keys. 604 00:26:30,611 --> 00:26:32,678 I would highly recommend getting second-party insurance 605 00:26:32,713 --> 00:26:35,898 in the event that you have an incident with another vehicle. 606 00:26:39,286 --> 00:26:40,843 - So...? - Yeah. 607 00:26:41,645 --> 00:26:43,100 Whatever you recommend. 608 00:26:44,958 --> 00:26:48,060 ? 609 00:26:54,168 --> 00:26:56,701 [CHATTERING] 610 00:27:04,344 --> 00:27:06,770 Excuse me? Excuse me. 611 00:27:07,020 --> 00:27:09,288 Hi. Um, I'm a little turned around. 612 00:27:09,511 --> 00:27:12,047 I'm looking for, uh... Bundt? 613 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,046 Bundt Cafeteria? 614 00:27:14,418 --> 00:27:15,868 It's up the hill, to the left. 615 00:27:16,940 --> 00:27:18,006 Thanks. 616 00:27:19,342 --> 00:27:21,275 I'm competing with steamed vegetables. 617 00:27:21,310 --> 00:27:24,646 Serving up hot and fresh jokes, uh, and also broccoli. 618 00:27:24,681 --> 00:27:26,781 - [LAUGHTER] - There's also broccoli here today. 619 00:27:26,816 --> 00:27:28,549 It's kind of weird, I... I don't have any kids, 620 00:27:28,584 --> 00:27:30,736 but doesn't it kind of feel like I do? 621 00:27:31,435 --> 00:27:35,235 Like, don't I kind of feel already like a dorky... like a dorky dad? 622 00:27:35,558 --> 00:27:37,491 Just like a fun dad at a barbecue? 623 00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:40,794 Just like... [LAUGHS GOOFILY] Fresca. 624 00:27:40,829 --> 00:27:43,630 - [LAUGHTER] - Throwing Frescas to children. 625 00:27:43,666 --> 00:27:45,632 I'm kind of intimidated. You guys are younger than me, 626 00:27:45,668 --> 00:27:47,935 but you have... Some of you have beards. 627 00:27:47,970 --> 00:27:49,335 I can't... I can't grow a beard. 628 00:27:49,371 --> 00:27:51,205 I haven't shaved in weeks. 629 00:27:51,540 --> 00:27:54,282 That's real. This is... This is what happens. 630 00:27:54,335 --> 00:27:55,408 Nothing. 631 00:27:55,444 --> 00:27:57,243 - [LAUGHTER] - Which isn't really a problem, 632 00:27:57,273 --> 00:27:59,303 unless, sometimes I think, what happens 633 00:27:59,328 --> 00:28:01,281 if I'm stranded on a desert island, 634 00:28:01,316 --> 00:28:03,450 and I have to live there for, like, six years... 635 00:28:03,485 --> 00:28:05,562 It's been an hour, you can stop whenever. 636 00:28:05,724 --> 00:28:07,119 Okay. Thank you. 637 00:28:08,626 --> 00:28:10,457 Uh, I'll do a little bit more. 638 00:28:10,890 --> 00:28:12,445 If, uh, if that's okay. 639 00:28:13,625 --> 00:28:14,627 Uh... 640 00:28:16,331 --> 00:28:18,430 You know, if if I'm on a deserted island for six years, 641 00:28:18,466 --> 00:28:20,766 the rescue chopper's gonna come, I'm gonna come out 642 00:28:20,802 --> 00:28:23,068 baby-faced, loincloth. 643 00:28:23,471 --> 00:28:25,705 I look like a guy who's been there 15 minutes. 644 00:28:25,740 --> 00:28:27,673 [LAUGHTER] 645 00:28:28,722 --> 00:28:30,637 Just couldn't wait to wear a loincloth. 646 00:28:31,406 --> 00:28:33,873 [LAUGHTER] 647 00:28:36,425 --> 00:28:37,691 Rescue me! 648 00:28:37,726 --> 00:28:38,792 [LAUGHTER] 649 00:28:38,827 --> 00:28:41,562 ? Well, it's all right ? 650 00:28:41,597 --> 00:28:43,530 ? Riding around in the breeze ? 651 00:28:43,566 --> 00:28:47,067 ? Well, it's all right ? 652 00:28:47,102 --> 00:28:49,203 ? If you live the life you please ? 653 00:28:49,238 --> 00:28:53,005 ? Well, it's all right ? 654 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:54,973 ? Doing the best you can ? 655 00:28:55,009 --> 00:28:58,611 ? Well, it's all right ? 656 00:28:58,646 --> 00:29:01,214 ? As long as you lend a hand ? 657 00:29:03,251 --> 00:29:06,852 ? You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring ? 658 00:29:06,887 --> 00:29:09,087 ? At the end of the line ? 659 00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:12,557 ? Waiting for someone to tell you everything ? 660 00:29:12,593 --> 00:29:14,226 ? At the end of the line ? 661 00:29:14,261 --> 00:29:18,363 ? Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring ? 662 00:29:18,398 --> 00:29:19,797 ? At the end of the line ? 663 00:29:19,833 --> 00:29:22,467 ? Maybe a diamond ring ? 664 00:29:22,502 --> 00:29:25,836 ? Well, it's all right ? 665 00:29:25,871 --> 00:29:27,838 ? Even if the sun don't shine ? 666 00:29:27,873 --> 00:29:31,575 ? Well, it's all right ? 667 00:29:31,611 --> 00:29:33,277 ? We're going to the end of the line ? 668 00:29:33,327 --> 00:29:37,877 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 49389

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