All language subtitles for Crashing s02e07 NACA.eng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian Download
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,810 --> 00:00:04,313 And I just want you to know, as your manager, 2 00:00:04,313 --> 00:00:06,730 I'm entitled to 20 percent of those things going forward. 3 00:00:08,438 --> 00:00:09,396 Are you going up tonight? 4 00:00:09,396 --> 00:00:11,646 Well, not here, obviously. But um... 5 00:00:11,646 --> 00:00:12,980 I do the alt scene a little bit. 6 00:00:13,188 --> 00:00:15,104 I know this is weird for a comedian to say, 7 00:00:15,104 --> 00:00:16,897 but I'm not used to laughing. 8 00:00:16,897 --> 00:00:19,063 - [PEOPLE LAUGHING] - He's funny, right? 9 00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,605 He'll be funny in three years. 10 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:22,730 My dad just told me, 11 00:00:22,730 --> 00:00:24,521 "If you want something, you got to ask for it." 12 00:00:24,521 --> 00:00:26,521 - But... - Your dad sounds like an idiot. 13 00:00:26,521 --> 00:00:28,188 PETE HOLMES: I'm trying to get into the college market. 14 00:00:28,188 --> 00:00:30,772 I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA, I don't know if... 15 00:00:30,772 --> 00:00:33,104 - They still have NACA? - They still have NACA. 16 00:00:33,104 --> 00:00:34,063 NACA changed my life. 17 00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:37,772 I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan... 18 00:00:37,772 --> 00:00:39,313 That's what NACA did for me. 19 00:00:43,747 --> 00:00:45,747 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 20 00:00:45,772 --> 00:00:47,772 ? 21 00:00:58,605 --> 00:00:59,702 [HONKS] 22 00:01:01,505 --> 00:01:02,850 We're right here. 23 00:01:04,188 --> 00:01:05,229 [HONKS] 24 00:01:05,229 --> 00:01:07,473 [CLICKING TONGUE] 25 00:01:08,521 --> 00:01:09,938 Babe, you all right? 26 00:01:09,938 --> 00:01:12,627 Yeah. You're making sprinkler sounds with your mouth. 27 00:01:13,104 --> 00:01:14,167 Yeah, I'm... 28 00:01:14,736 --> 00:01:17,354 I'll calm down when I see the venue. 29 00:01:17,354 --> 00:01:18,673 If that makes sense? 30 00:01:18,813 --> 00:01:20,646 Like you said it's 300 people, 31 00:01:20,646 --> 00:01:23,229 That's way bigger than I've performed for. 32 00:01:23,229 --> 00:01:26,521 So, when I see the stage, I think I'll calm down a little bit. 33 00:01:26,521 --> 00:01:28,980 Remember? You're good. We've worked on these jokes. 34 00:01:28,980 --> 00:01:31,104 The NACA showcase is, like, no big deal. 35 00:01:31,104 --> 00:01:33,022 Just do your act, make them laugh, 36 00:01:33,022 --> 00:01:35,188 and I'm sure you'll book a lot of colleges. 37 00:01:35,188 --> 00:01:38,730 So relax, and enjoy our ride to Philadelphia. 38 00:01:38,730 --> 00:01:39,813 - Thank you. - Okay. 39 00:01:39,813 --> 00:01:41,563 - I will. - I mean, you can't trust her 40 00:01:41,563 --> 00:01:42,993 'cause you guys are fucking. 41 00:01:43,752 --> 00:01:44,800 All right. 42 00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:48,627 Uh, hey, can you not look at your phone while we're driving? 43 00:01:48,627 --> 00:01:50,646 No, I got it. I do this all the time. 44 00:01:51,591 --> 00:01:55,299 Right, but you shouldn't, 'cause it's illegal and dangerous. 45 00:01:55,299 --> 00:01:56,841 It's basically like drinking and driving. 46 00:01:56,841 --> 00:01:58,591 I actually put it in my phone, too, 47 00:01:58,591 --> 00:02:00,175 so I can navig... I'm happy to navigate. 48 00:02:00,175 --> 00:02:01,799 You guys talking is actually distracting me more, 49 00:02:01,799 --> 00:02:04,716 - so I'm just trying to focus on... - On killing us? 50 00:02:04,716 --> 00:02:06,050 I can only do two things at once... 51 00:02:06,050 --> 00:02:07,883 You're focusing on trying to murder us 52 00:02:07,883 --> 00:02:10,050 - by being obstinate. - I'm just trying to keep it simple, 53 00:02:10,050 --> 00:02:11,299 phone and road. 54 00:02:11,411 --> 00:02:12,953 Just look forward. Just look... I got it. 55 00:02:12,953 --> 00:02:14,286 You're supposed to go straight. 56 00:02:14,286 --> 00:02:16,453 - We're supposed to go straight. - We got one more. 57 00:02:16,453 --> 00:02:17,619 One more what? 58 00:02:17,619 --> 00:02:19,661 You have... Someone else is coming? 59 00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:21,239 Yeah, we're picking somebody up. 60 00:02:24,703 --> 00:02:25,778 Hey! 61 00:02:26,838 --> 00:02:28,244 Is that Melissa Villasenor? 62 00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:31,828 You rep Melissa Villasenor from SNL? 63 00:02:31,828 --> 00:02:33,895 Yeah, I rep a lot of people you don't know about. 64 00:02:34,202 --> 00:02:36,219 My finger is in many pots. 65 00:02:36,219 --> 00:02:37,885 - Ew. - Pete: Hi! 66 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,177 Melissa, you can, uh, you can have shotgun. 67 00:02:40,177 --> 00:02:42,010 - Oh, thanks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 68 00:02:42,010 --> 00:02:44,678 That's nice. Thank you. 69 00:02:44,678 --> 00:02:46,344 - Coming back. - ALI: Aah! 70 00:02:46,344 --> 00:02:47,719 Sorry! Got it? 71 00:02:47,719 --> 00:02:49,632 - ALI: Pete, be careful, wow. - I got it. 72 00:02:51,643 --> 00:02:53,142 - It's a nice bag. - Thanks. 73 00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:56,511 I just wanna say you're, uh, my favorite part of SNL right now, really. 74 00:02:56,511 --> 00:02:58,052 - MELISSA: Aw. - I think you're sensational. 75 00:02:58,052 --> 00:03:00,511 Your Owen Wilson, it's like... 76 00:03:00,511 --> 00:03:02,553 And David, uh, Pumpkins. Mr. Pumpkins. 77 00:03:02,553 --> 00:03:03,803 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - David S. Pumpkins. 78 00:03:03,803 --> 00:03:05,571 - Yeah, thanks. - That's one of my favorites. 79 00:03:05,596 --> 00:03:08,094 [QUIETLY]: Just relax. She just sat down. 80 00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:10,386 She seems okay with it. 81 00:03:10,978 --> 00:03:12,143 Okay. 82 00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:15,096 I've never, uh, met a cast member before. 83 00:03:15,805 --> 00:03:19,513 PETE: I... I really think you're the next Kristen Wig 84 00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,164 but with better impressions. 85 00:03:21,164 --> 00:03:23,247 - MELISSA: Aw. - I just think you're phenomenal. 86 00:03:23,247 --> 00:03:24,979 PETE: What's it like working with Lorne? 87 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,765 MELISSA: He's a funny one. 88 00:03:27,497 --> 00:03:29,081 PETE: Hey, what did you do for your audition? 89 00:03:29,081 --> 00:03:31,059 MELISSA: Oh, I did a lot of, mainly, impressions. 90 00:03:31,059 --> 00:03:34,851 Like Christina Aguilera was one of my first singing impressions. 91 00:03:34,851 --> 00:03:36,851 It was just one really one letter, you know, just... 92 00:03:36,851 --> 00:03:41,601 ? Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Whoa! Yeah! ? 93 00:03:41,601 --> 00:03:43,309 [LAUGHING LOUDLY] 94 00:03:43,309 --> 00:03:47,225 Really fills the car. Fills the car with joy. 95 00:03:47,225 --> 00:03:49,018 - PETE: It's so good! - Thanks. 96 00:03:50,184 --> 00:03:51,684 I've been working on Malkovich. 97 00:03:51,684 --> 00:03:52,622 MELLISA: Mm! 98 00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:55,397 Which is just... "I'm better. I'm stronger. 99 00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:58,018 I'm faster." It's just overenunciating. 100 00:03:58,018 --> 00:04:00,744 SARAH SILVERMAN: "I'm here in the car. 101 00:04:01,517 --> 00:04:04,976 My vagina is here." [GIGGLING] 102 00:04:04,976 --> 00:04:06,601 [PETE AND MELISSA LAUGHING] 103 00:04:06,601 --> 00:04:10,059 What would Christina Aguilera sound like singing a lullaby? 104 00:04:10,059 --> 00:04:14,517 ? Hush little baby don't say a word! ? 105 00:04:14,517 --> 00:04:15,936 And she'd wake up the baby. 106 00:04:15,936 --> 00:04:19,811 [PETE AND MELISSA LAUGHING] 107 00:04:19,812 --> 00:04:22,271 ? 108 00:04:22,605 --> 00:04:25,897 MELISSA: Wanda Sykes impression: "What the hell is this shit?" 109 00:04:25,897 --> 00:04:27,980 PETE: Oh, it's so good! 110 00:04:28,456 --> 00:04:31,271 MAN [SPEAKING LOUDLY]: ...all the world, I made it all the way to NACA. 111 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,480 This hotel, it's insane. It's so wild. 112 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:36,563 Gonna be gramming, snapping all week. Gonna be a good time! 113 00:04:37,024 --> 00:04:38,771 I gotta get on Snapchat. 114 00:04:38,772 --> 00:04:40,229 ALI: Yeah, apparently. 115 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,730 - MAN: Name? - Uh, Woods. 116 00:04:42,906 --> 00:04:44,709 - Here for NACA? Great. - Yes. 117 00:04:45,313 --> 00:04:48,563 Three people in a standard double for one night. 118 00:04:48,563 --> 00:04:50,125 - Yeah. - Great. 119 00:04:52,105 --> 00:04:53,960 Sir, are they with you? 120 00:04:55,688 --> 00:04:56,772 No. 121 00:04:56,772 --> 00:04:59,271 Well, uh, two... one... Uh, two of them are. 122 00:04:59,271 --> 00:05:02,063 The other guy is... he's staying somewhere else. 123 00:05:02,063 --> 00:05:04,625 Okay, because the maximum is three. 124 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,732 Uh, you're allowed only three in the same room. 125 00:05:09,038 --> 00:05:12,437 Because we have a lot of people abusing our extra guest policy. 126 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:16,521 I wouldn't do that. I would never abuse a policy. 127 00:05:16,521 --> 00:05:19,589 That's one of my policies: never abuse policies. 128 00:05:20,104 --> 00:05:22,083 - Okay. - [KEYBOARD CLACKING] 129 00:05:22,438 --> 00:05:25,521 And, uh... how many keys would you like? 130 00:05:25,885 --> 00:05:27,715 Uh, let me do four. 131 00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:29,727 Great. 132 00:05:29,938 --> 00:05:32,938 - And, uh, we're gonna need a cot. - [KEYBOARD CLACKING] 133 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:37,229 ? 134 00:05:44,938 --> 00:05:47,146 Melissa, what is that stuff? 135 00:05:47,568 --> 00:05:49,063 That's my sleep mask, 136 00:05:49,348 --> 00:05:52,228 my noise-canceling headphones, and my white noise machine. 137 00:05:53,438 --> 00:05:55,313 So, what do you play in the headphones? 138 00:05:55,665 --> 00:05:56,854 Brown noise. 139 00:05:57,424 --> 00:05:58,466 Hmm. 140 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,472 - I need some dinner. - Oh, man, me too. 141 00:06:00,519 --> 00:06:02,030 - Can I come? - Sure. 142 00:06:02,088 --> 00:06:03,491 Do you want anything? 143 00:06:03,516 --> 00:06:05,097 Mm, I'm okay. 144 00:06:05,175 --> 00:06:07,112 - Melissa? - I'm good, thanks. 145 00:06:10,407 --> 00:06:11,558 The elevator's this way. 146 00:06:11,851 --> 00:06:13,176 Hey, I'm glad you came. 147 00:06:13,737 --> 00:06:15,641 We need to talk about your college act. 148 00:06:15,934 --> 00:06:18,087 What do you mean? I don't really have a college act. 149 00:06:18,118 --> 00:06:19,265 I just have my act. 150 00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:22,036 Yeah, that's the problem, okay? These kids are super sensitive. 151 00:06:22,061 --> 00:06:23,812 You never know what's gonna set 'em off. 152 00:06:23,812 --> 00:06:25,770 You grew up in the '80s, when everybody thought bullying 153 00:06:25,770 --> 00:06:28,016 was a hilarious and just normal part of life. 154 00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:30,144 Okay, so, well, like, what? 155 00:06:30,144 --> 00:06:33,269 - Don't talk about abortion. - Have you seen my act? 156 00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:36,103 Yeah. No more gypping, okay? 157 00:06:36,103 --> 00:06:39,728 You don't wanna talk about gypsies or really any type of group 158 00:06:39,728 --> 00:06:42,186 from any area. You don't wanna talk about sex, okay? 159 00:06:42,186 --> 00:06:44,687 - Okay, fine. - Don't talk about rape. 160 00:06:44,687 --> 00:06:47,896 Don't talk about overdosing, no suicide, no fire... 161 00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:51,144 - none of that. - So, what am I supposed to talk about? 162 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,436 Just talk about the absurdities of the world 163 00:06:53,436 --> 00:06:55,103 or like, make an observation, 164 00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:57,186 and then talk about what's weird about it. 165 00:06:57,186 --> 00:06:59,061 I... That's vague. 166 00:06:59,061 --> 00:07:02,552 Just do, like, uh, do, like, "there's always one guy" stuff. 167 00:07:02,770 --> 00:07:05,103 - What is that? - There's always one guy at the office 168 00:07:05,103 --> 00:07:06,863 who's always got a hat on. 169 00:07:07,103 --> 00:07:08,645 Always got a hat on? 170 00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:10,603 ? 171 00:07:18,766 --> 00:07:20,311 [QUIETLY] I don't have any kids, 172 00:07:20,311 --> 00:07:22,478 but doesn't it kind of feel like I do? 173 00:07:23,608 --> 00:07:25,645 I'm kind of like a fun dad, 174 00:07:26,103 --> 00:07:28,127 the dad you see at a barbecue. 175 00:07:28,687 --> 00:07:30,221 [LAUGHS GOOFILY] 176 00:07:31,212 --> 00:07:32,529 Fresca. 177 00:07:33,311 --> 00:07:34,914 Fresca. 178 00:07:37,269 --> 00:07:38,645 [BIRDS TWITTERING] 179 00:07:38,645 --> 00:07:41,311 [ALARM CHIMING] 180 00:07:41,311 --> 00:07:43,812 ? 181 00:07:43,812 --> 00:07:47,645 - Let's get up. Big day! - [GROANS] No, no. 182 00:07:48,704 --> 00:07:51,144 WOMAN: Obviously, we don't want any of you to feel censored 183 00:07:51,144 --> 00:07:53,311 in any way, but I strongly encourage, 184 00:07:53,311 --> 00:07:55,812 if your creativity or banter within your performances 185 00:07:55,812 --> 00:07:57,858 skews towards things like 186 00:07:57,883 --> 00:08:00,478 assault, rape, suicide, race, 187 00:08:00,478 --> 00:08:03,103 kindly steer that ship right on over to somewhere else. 188 00:08:03,103 --> 00:08:05,812 [QUIETLY] Or fire. He said don't talk about fire. 189 00:08:06,448 --> 00:08:10,011 If they would bleep it on The Big Bang Theory, don't do it. Okay? 190 00:08:10,561 --> 00:08:11,687 [LAUGHTER] 191 00:08:11,687 --> 00:08:14,103 When I was a kid, I always eating Bubble Tape. 192 00:08:14,103 --> 00:08:15,520 You guys remember Bubble Tape? 193 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:17,228 - [CHEERING] - Oh my... Yes, right? 194 00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,186 It's so good. It's like the best gum. 195 00:08:19,186 --> 00:08:21,144 You know, and what's awesome about Bubble Tape, 196 00:08:21,144 --> 00:08:24,103 instead of it being, like, individually wrapped little pieces, 197 00:08:24,103 --> 00:08:26,687 like, "Oh, ooh, I gotta put the gum in an envelope," 198 00:08:26,687 --> 00:08:29,228 like, what is this, like, a post office or something? 199 00:08:29,228 --> 00:08:31,853 - [LAUGHTER] - Bubble Tape, though, Bubble Tape was just 200 00:08:31,853 --> 00:08:34,812 one, like, long-ass piece o'gum! 201 00:08:34,812 --> 00:08:36,770 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Long-ass piece o' gum! 202 00:08:36,770 --> 00:08:39,019 I would just bite into that thing like a hockey puck. 203 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,770 Ohm! More for me! 204 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:43,561 I was like a Cookie Monster but with Bubble Tape. 205 00:08:43,561 --> 00:08:45,603 I was like... Ohm, nom, nom, nom! 206 00:08:45,603 --> 00:08:47,937 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - All right, y'all. Thank you, guys. 207 00:08:47,937 --> 00:08:49,395 - Thank you. - [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 208 00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:51,455 HOST: Clay Dayton! 209 00:08:51,728 --> 00:08:55,646 - [BEATBOXING] - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 210 00:09:01,061 --> 00:09:04,561 ? Watch me whip watch me nae nae ? 211 00:09:04,561 --> 00:09:07,770 ? Watch me whip watch me nae nae ? 212 00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:09,830 [BEATBOXING] 213 00:09:10,019 --> 00:09:12,169 - You guys know what's up. - [CHEERS] 214 00:09:12,194 --> 00:09:14,875 All right, are you guys ready for your next act? 215 00:09:15,027 --> 00:09:16,027 [LOUD CHEERS] 216 00:09:16,136 --> 00:09:18,644 Please give it up for the lovely and talented 217 00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,561 Ali Reissen! 218 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:24,144 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [BEATBOXING] 219 00:09:24,144 --> 00:09:25,144 Oh my God! 220 00:09:25,144 --> 00:09:28,486 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES] 221 00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:32,247 Thank you! Oh my God, 222 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,546 it's so good to be here. 223 00:09:34,728 --> 00:09:37,061 So you guys are in college, that's pretty chill. 224 00:09:37,061 --> 00:09:39,478 - [CHEERS] - Yeah? You guys got roommates? 225 00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:40,645 AUDIENCE: Yeah! 226 00:09:40,645 --> 00:09:42,311 Yeah, that's a whole thing. 227 00:09:42,311 --> 00:09:43,709 I had a roommate in college, 228 00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:46,505 she would always walk around naked, you know? 229 00:09:46,812 --> 00:09:49,436 She would always refer to her breasts as "the twins." 230 00:09:49,436 --> 00:09:52,061 Which I thought was funny, 'cause, I'm like, I've seen the twins, 231 00:09:52,061 --> 00:09:53,353 and they're fraternal. 232 00:09:53,353 --> 00:09:54,881 - [LAUGHTER] - Um... 233 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,332 I was like, I don't know if the left one 234 00:09:57,357 --> 00:09:59,395 is from the same father, you know? 235 00:09:59,395 --> 00:10:01,028 [LAUGHTER] 236 00:10:01,395 --> 00:10:02,687 She was like, "What do you mean?" 237 00:10:02,687 --> 00:10:04,228 I'm like, "The left one's black," and, um... 238 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:06,937 - [LAUGHTER] - Colleges are scary now, though, 239 00:10:06,937 --> 00:10:09,735 like, you got a lot of activities, obviously. 240 00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:13,144 You can get involved in so many things. 241 00:10:13,144 --> 00:10:17,103 Uh, let's see, sports, theater, rape is pretty big. 242 00:10:17,103 --> 00:10:18,978 - Um... - [GROANS, SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 243 00:10:18,978 --> 00:10:21,311 Yeah, I mean, you know, if you're a girl, and you go to a frat party, 244 00:10:21,311 --> 00:10:24,812 like, there is a chance that you could get roofied. 245 00:10:24,812 --> 00:10:28,206 Um, which... Yeah, don't laugh at that, 'cause it's fucked. 246 00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:31,978 But, uh, yeah, I think... I think it's disgusting that we've shortened the word 247 00:10:31,978 --> 00:10:35,520 Rohypnol to roofie, right? It's like Rohypnol, 248 00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:39,061 it sounds, like, severe, 'cause it is severe, it's a rape drug. 249 00:10:39,061 --> 00:10:41,843 We're like, "Mm-hm, roofie," like we made it cute... 250 00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:42,769 [LAUGHTER] 251 00:10:42,770 --> 00:10:44,687 ...which is so demented. You know what I mean? 252 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:48,520 You can't take something terrible and make it sound adorable, 253 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:49,937 that's not acceptable. 254 00:10:49,937 --> 00:10:52,061 Like, you would never be, like, "Yeah, my roommate", 255 00:10:52,061 --> 00:10:54,311 "she was in a car crash. It's actually really sad." 256 00:10:54,311 --> 00:10:58,228 "Her head got de-cappied, and, um, yeah, it's a bummer." 257 00:10:58,228 --> 00:11:00,520 "It was also on 9-elevzies, which is just, like," 258 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,269 "really weird timing, but it's okay, it's okay." 259 00:11:03,269 --> 00:11:05,663 "The driver, he was sentenced 260 00:11:05,688 --> 00:11:07,645 to, um, life in priz." 261 00:11:07,645 --> 00:11:10,728 - [LAUGHTER] - And... forev's in priz. 262 00:11:10,728 --> 00:11:13,687 - [GROANING] - Thank you, guys. I'm Ali Reissen. 263 00:11:13,687 --> 00:11:16,228 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Have a great night. I mean, day. 264 00:11:16,228 --> 00:11:19,019 - HOST: Ali Reissen! - This was exciting. 265 00:11:19,019 --> 00:11:22,496 [BEATBOXING] 266 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:27,926 This next performer, 267 00:11:28,603 --> 00:11:30,645 you may know her from Saturday Night Live! 268 00:11:30,645 --> 00:11:34,436 - [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Please welcome Melissa Villasenor! 269 00:11:34,436 --> 00:11:37,895 [BEATBOXING] 270 00:11:44,061 --> 00:11:46,639 Hey, you guys are the best! 271 00:11:46,978 --> 00:11:49,395 Are you guys Shakira fans? Shakira? 272 00:11:49,395 --> 00:11:51,061 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 273 00:11:51,061 --> 00:11:52,812 Well, I don't know if you'll be now, 274 00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:54,812 'cause I've figured out something, okay? 275 00:11:54,812 --> 00:11:56,895 I realized, I don't think she's all that hot 276 00:11:56,895 --> 00:11:58,645 if she didn't have background music. 277 00:11:58,645 --> 00:12:01,061 Like, if it was just that singing voice and her dancing, 278 00:12:01,061 --> 00:12:02,567 it'd be this... 279 00:12:02,592 --> 00:12:05,478 [VOCALIZING] ? Camel hump ? 280 00:12:05,478 --> 00:12:07,937 - ? I want to see you in my pants ? - [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] 281 00:12:07,937 --> 00:12:11,395 ? Oh, hello! Let me take off ? 282 00:12:11,395 --> 00:12:14,853 [LAUGHING, CHEERING] 283 00:12:14,853 --> 00:12:19,895 - ? You're gone ? - ? Dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams ? 284 00:12:19,895 --> 00:12:21,215 ? Oh, oh, oh! ? 285 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,019 ? She's making me high She's making me high ? 286 00:12:25,019 --> 00:12:28,103 ? Dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams ? 287 00:12:28,103 --> 00:12:31,520 - ? Oh, oh, oh! ? - ? She's making me high ? 288 00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,645 ? I wanna get me free ? 289 00:12:33,645 --> 00:12:37,937 ? 290 00:12:39,436 --> 00:12:42,269 ? Nothing gonna get me in my world ? 291 00:12:42,269 --> 00:12:44,061 ? 292 00:12:47,937 --> 00:12:49,103 Woo! 293 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,982 MELISSA: Here have some pins. 294 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:53,770 ALI: Hi. 295 00:12:56,269 --> 00:12:57,519 MELISSA: Do you want a pin? 296 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,269 - [LAUGHING] - It's my little head. 297 00:12:59,269 --> 00:13:00,687 [LAUGHING] 298 00:13:00,687 --> 00:13:01,937 Put it on your backpack. 299 00:13:01,937 --> 00:13:03,853 - We can't wait. - See you in November. 300 00:13:03,853 --> 00:13:05,395 I'm coming to your guys' campuses, right? 301 00:13:05,395 --> 00:13:07,812 You got to book me on your campus. Go ahead, you take a hat. 302 00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:09,978 Take a hat. Think about it, right? 303 00:13:11,478 --> 00:13:12,553 Hi. 304 00:13:12,812 --> 00:13:14,362 - This is fun. - Mm-hmm. 305 00:13:14,645 --> 00:13:15,812 Did you see the slide? 306 00:13:15,812 --> 00:13:17,687 I did, yeah. It looks really fun. 307 00:13:17,687 --> 00:13:19,853 There's a magician over there, he read the serial number 308 00:13:19,853 --> 00:13:22,186 on a bill that I had in my wallet. 309 00:13:22,186 --> 00:13:23,561 - Whoa. - He knew the number. 310 00:13:23,561 --> 00:13:25,404 - Whoa. - BOTH: That's crazy. 311 00:13:26,019 --> 00:13:27,061 Yeah. 312 00:13:27,061 --> 00:13:30,520 [NOISY CHATTERING] 313 00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:33,267 You did great. 314 00:13:35,728 --> 00:13:39,353 This is brutal. This is... brutal. 315 00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:41,686 I feel like the ugly girl at the kissing booth. 316 00:13:42,104 --> 00:13:43,186 No. 317 00:13:43,186 --> 00:13:45,395 You're the prettiest girl at the kissing booth. 318 00:13:45,395 --> 00:13:46,895 You're not even in a booth. 319 00:13:50,625 --> 00:13:52,227 Thanks for stopping by. 320 00:13:52,228 --> 00:13:54,061 - She's so great! - Look forward to seeing you. 321 00:13:54,061 --> 00:13:56,311 Hey! How's it going? Want a pin? 322 00:13:56,311 --> 00:13:58,118 - GIRL: You were great. - [MELISSA GIGGLES] 323 00:13:58,603 --> 00:14:00,645 - MELISSA: Thanks. - I love pins, thank you. 324 00:14:00,645 --> 00:14:01,785 I'm gonna run out. 325 00:14:01,810 --> 00:14:02,770 Why? 326 00:14:02,795 --> 00:14:04,490 I think I'm... scaring the bookers away. 327 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,812 So maybe if you're just here, 328 00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:08,743 they'll... "Oh, that's the girl," right? 329 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:10,687 Later. 330 00:14:11,154 --> 00:14:13,482 - Ali Reissen. - All right, just go. 331 00:14:13,507 --> 00:14:15,520 - From the nine a.m. show. - Okay, bye! Bye, bye, bye. 332 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,221 - Be right back. I'll be right back. - Okay, bye. [GROANS] 333 00:14:20,186 --> 00:14:22,871 Oh. Cool shirt. 334 00:14:27,103 --> 00:14:28,191 - Hey. - Oh. 335 00:14:28,728 --> 00:14:29,781 Hi. 336 00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,837 You know, this is all a big part of it, the mingling, 337 00:14:31,882 --> 00:14:34,292 - and the, you know, meeting people. - Mm-hm. 338 00:14:35,603 --> 00:14:37,269 I was also thinking, uh... 339 00:14:37,434 --> 00:14:39,271 you should try to get on SNL, you know? 340 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,213 - Mm-hmm. - That's been huge for Melissa. 341 00:14:41,238 --> 00:14:43,600 Yeah. No. It's... it's a big show for her, 342 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,267 and everybody who's on it. 343 00:14:45,267 --> 00:14:47,433 So maybe as a next step, I think that'd be... 344 00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:49,100 - That'd be good for you. - Totally. 345 00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:50,649 Totally, totally, totally. Mm-hmm. 346 00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:53,408 But because we had this conversation, if you do get SNL, 347 00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:56,267 I get 10 percent. Just so you know, that's how it works. 348 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,350 Yep. Okay, you're so helpful. Thank you, this was awesome. 349 00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:00,662 Great chat. Okay. 350 00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:04,433 ? 351 00:15:11,975 --> 00:15:14,433 ? 352 00:15:27,642 --> 00:15:29,475 ? 353 00:15:35,642 --> 00:15:37,308 Are these really two bucks? 354 00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:39,958 Yeah, they're a real steal. 355 00:15:42,225 --> 00:15:45,684 ? 356 00:15:45,684 --> 00:15:48,517 ? Ha, ha, ha! ? 357 00:15:48,517 --> 00:15:50,600 [CHEERING] 358 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,891 ? Pump it ? 359 00:15:51,891 --> 00:15:54,517 ? Ha, ha, ha! ? 360 00:15:54,517 --> 00:15:57,600 [CHEERING] 361 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,684 - [MUSIC MUFFLED] - ? Pump it ? 362 00:15:59,684 --> 00:16:01,141 ? Pump it ? 363 00:16:01,141 --> 00:16:02,350 ? Pump it ? 364 00:16:02,954 --> 00:16:04,850 - Hey, there you are. - Hey. 365 00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,156 Any bookings? 366 00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:08,475 Uh, no. Not yet. 367 00:16:08,475 --> 00:16:09,685 Sorry. 368 00:16:09,891 --> 00:16:11,392 What are you doing? 369 00:16:11,392 --> 00:16:13,350 Uh, it's my merch. 370 00:16:13,793 --> 00:16:15,381 I ran out and I got some. 371 00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:16,850 "Gas it up." 372 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:19,350 Yeah. I thought it was, uh, it might work, 373 00:16:19,350 --> 00:16:22,016 as, like, a catchphrase, something to help me stand out. 374 00:16:22,016 --> 00:16:23,559 It's from a gas station. 375 00:16:23,559 --> 00:16:26,011 So you're gonna write a joke 376 00:16:26,036 --> 00:16:28,433 to match this shirt? 377 00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:30,100 Yeah. It's like a sales pitch. 378 00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,725 This is like a marketing play. 379 00:16:31,912 --> 00:16:34,058 You're spiraling. Why would you do that? 380 00:16:34,058 --> 00:16:36,600 - I just... - You have a great act, just do your set. 381 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:38,517 I don't know if a great act is enough. 382 00:16:38,804 --> 00:16:41,891 - What do you mean? - They need laughs and a takeaway. 383 00:16:42,282 --> 00:16:44,600 I'm not trying to, like, play to the back of the room. 384 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,058 I'm trying to get a bunch of dorks that book campus activities 385 00:16:48,058 --> 00:16:50,249 to think that I'm a neat-o fella, you know? 386 00:16:50,274 --> 00:16:51,334 Right. 387 00:16:51,359 --> 00:16:54,482 So, like, nostalgia stuff, obviously impressions 388 00:16:54,507 --> 00:16:56,194 are killing really hard... so I... 389 00:16:56,219 --> 00:16:58,862 I wanna do some "remember when" stuff, 390 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,842 - for these guys. - Okay, well... 391 00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,433 sounds like you have a master plan. 392 00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:07,267 I'm not gonna try to mess with it. 393 00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:08,946 - I mean... - Good luck with this. 394 00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:11,100 - It's like a business card. - Mm-hmm. 395 00:17:11,100 --> 00:17:13,809 - That you can wear. - That's... I know you're joking. 396 00:17:13,809 --> 00:17:16,162 - Sassy. - We'll see who's laughing. 397 00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:17,651 [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS] 398 00:17:17,676 --> 00:17:21,416 Keep it going for the Chicago Boys! 399 00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:24,933 Are you guys ready for your next comic? 400 00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:26,308 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 401 00:17:26,308 --> 00:17:29,975 A super funny dude, put your hands together for Pete Holmes! 402 00:17:29,975 --> 00:17:32,100 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 403 00:17:34,141 --> 00:17:36,809 Hello! How's it going, NACA? 404 00:17:36,809 --> 00:17:38,267 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 405 00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:40,058 - Let me hear you say "Hey!" - AUDIENCE: Hey! 406 00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:41,183 - Ho! - AUDIENCE: Ho! 407 00:17:41,183 --> 00:17:42,433 - NACA! - AUDIENCE: NACA! 408 00:17:42,433 --> 00:17:44,225 - Yeah! - AUDIENCE: Yeah! 409 00:17:44,225 --> 00:17:46,419 Yeah! You guys are good! 410 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:47,642 I love High School Musical. 411 00:17:47,642 --> 00:17:49,308 You guys remember High School Musical? 412 00:17:49,308 --> 00:17:50,975 [CHEERING] 413 00:17:50,975 --> 00:17:52,058 That was the best. 414 00:17:52,058 --> 00:17:54,517 That ruined regular basketball for me. 415 00:17:54,517 --> 00:17:55,809 [LAUGHTER] 416 00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:57,308 I would go to a regular basketball game, 417 00:17:57,308 --> 00:17:59,308 I'd be like, "Why aren't you dancing?" 418 00:17:59,308 --> 00:18:00,350 [LAUGHTER] 419 00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:01,951 Don't just pass! 420 00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:04,231 - Flail! - [LAUGHTER] 421 00:18:05,149 --> 00:18:07,767 What about Harry Potter? Harry Potter, that was the best! 422 00:18:07,767 --> 00:18:10,225 - [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] - I love Harry Potter! 423 00:18:10,225 --> 00:18:11,850 Harold M. Potter. 424 00:18:12,163 --> 00:18:14,308 But I think the most magical thing about all of Harry Potter 425 00:18:14,308 --> 00:18:16,684 is that it made us love books. 426 00:18:16,684 --> 00:18:18,723 - [CHEERING] - How did they do that? 427 00:18:19,308 --> 00:18:20,450 Books? 428 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,965 Is there anything worse than books? 429 00:18:23,225 --> 00:18:25,475 And suddenly, they're like, "Oh, it's about a magical nerd." 430 00:18:25,475 --> 00:18:27,016 We're like, "Give me that book!" 431 00:18:27,629 --> 00:18:30,659 - [LAUGHTER] - How many pages? A thousand? 432 00:18:30,684 --> 00:18:32,141 Not enough book! 433 00:18:32,141 --> 00:18:33,850 [LAUGHTER] 434 00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:36,159 - Who here has a car? Anybody have a car? - [CHEERING] 435 00:18:36,184 --> 00:18:37,600 Anybody have a car? Are you out there driving? 436 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,850 Out there driving? Put it in drive? Put it in D? 437 00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:41,744 Put it in D, baby! 438 00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:44,804 I love getting gas in my car. You ever treat yourself? 439 00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:47,183 You ever treat yourself and get full service? 440 00:18:47,183 --> 00:18:50,100 - [LAUGHTER] - Whoo! 441 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,767 Full service! You don't have to do anything! 442 00:18:53,129 --> 00:18:55,225 I like to put my hands behind my head. 443 00:18:55,225 --> 00:18:57,183 [LAUGHTER] 444 00:18:57,183 --> 00:18:58,350 Gas it up. 445 00:18:58,350 --> 00:19:00,475 [LAUGHTER] 446 00:19:00,475 --> 00:19:02,559 In the road trip of life, don't go with a half tank, 447 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:06,183 go with a gas it up! Go with a gas it up! 448 00:19:06,183 --> 00:19:07,330 [LAUGHTER] 449 00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,854 What would happen if Arnold Schwarzenegger 450 00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:10,684 had an itch on his back he couldn't reach? 451 00:19:10,684 --> 00:19:12,141 He's just, like... [GRUNTS] 452 00:19:12,141 --> 00:19:15,671 - [LAUGHTER] - [GRUNTING] 453 00:19:17,325 --> 00:19:20,433 "Bring me the terminator hand that I might reach it!" 454 00:19:20,975 --> 00:19:23,392 When he finally reaches it, "Oh, yeah." 455 00:19:23,392 --> 00:19:24,850 Oh, my fucking God. 456 00:19:24,850 --> 00:19:27,684 And he drives home in his Hummer, goes and gets full service, 457 00:19:27,684 --> 00:19:29,433 - "Gas it up!" - [LAUGHTER] 458 00:19:29,433 --> 00:19:33,225 Gas it up! [LAUGHS] NACA, thank you so much! 459 00:19:33,225 --> 00:19:35,471 - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Thank you! 460 00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:38,684 Thank you so much! come see me in Booth five-five-zero. 461 00:19:38,684 --> 00:19:42,267 - Gas it up! Gas it up! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 462 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,267 ? 463 00:19:48,308 --> 00:19:50,767 Thank you ladies. I'm so glad you enjoyed the show. 464 00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:52,475 - Thank you! - It was great. Thank you. 465 00:19:52,475 --> 00:19:54,594 Yes, gas... it... up! 466 00:19:54,933 --> 00:19:56,267 Gas it up! 467 00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:58,642 You got six so far and I'm working on more. 468 00:19:58,642 --> 00:20:00,725 Six? Yes! 469 00:20:00,725 --> 00:20:03,233 That's... Six times 1,100 is like... 470 00:20:03,258 --> 00:20:05,183 that's almost seven grand! 471 00:20:05,183 --> 00:20:08,016 Yeah, minus, uh, hotel, travel, and my 20 percent, 472 00:20:08,016 --> 00:20:09,767 that's not bad for a year's work. 473 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:11,433 You're my new show pony. 474 00:20:11,605 --> 00:20:13,480 I've been paying attention to the wrong horse. 475 00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:15,767 I should've been sneaking into your stable. 476 00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,725 - You're the "gas it up" guy. - Hey! 477 00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:20,203 - You got this. - Yes, yes, yes. 478 00:20:20,331 --> 00:20:22,015 Where do you guys go to school? 479 00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:24,767 [INDISTINCT CHATTERING] 480 00:20:27,975 --> 00:20:30,119 Hey. I just wanted to say, 481 00:20:30,144 --> 00:20:32,278 you were my favorite. 482 00:20:32,578 --> 00:20:36,141 Oh. Uh, thank you. That's really nice. 483 00:20:36,141 --> 00:20:38,141 - What's your name? - Nadine. 484 00:20:38,141 --> 00:20:39,517 Hi, Nadine, nice to meet you. 485 00:20:39,517 --> 00:20:40,809 What school do you go to? 486 00:20:40,809 --> 00:20:44,252 Uh, Earlham. Uh, you've probably never heard of it. 487 00:20:44,725 --> 00:20:46,725 I... I go there, and I haven't heard of it. 488 00:20:46,725 --> 00:20:49,016 [LAUGHS] That's really funny. 489 00:20:49,016 --> 00:20:50,642 - Really? - Yeah. Do you do comedy? 490 00:20:50,642 --> 00:20:54,100 I would, but I think I'm more, like, situational funny, 491 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,267 and than, like, writing funny. 492 00:20:56,267 --> 00:20:58,850 - Mm-hmm. - But you were so good. 493 00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:00,517 Oh. [CHUCKLES] Thank you. 494 00:21:00,517 --> 00:21:03,308 Like, that one bit you had about dating a mime, 495 00:21:03,308 --> 00:21:05,872 I was like, oh my God. [LAUGHS] 496 00:21:06,350 --> 00:21:08,141 Um... I don't... 497 00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,133 I don't have a bit about dating a mime. 498 00:21:11,487 --> 00:21:12,941 Shit, I'm... I just... 499 00:21:13,222 --> 00:21:15,684 I saw so many comedians today. 500 00:21:15,684 --> 00:21:17,433 - Sure. - It's... You just guys 501 00:21:17,433 --> 00:21:19,725 all kind of just blurred together. You know? 502 00:21:19,725 --> 00:21:20,891 Yeah. 503 00:21:22,752 --> 00:21:24,936 - Uh, sorry. - It's okay. 504 00:21:25,809 --> 00:21:27,225 - Okay. - Okay. 505 00:21:33,308 --> 00:21:35,183 ? 506 00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:51,725 Hey. 507 00:21:55,457 --> 00:21:58,700 Where'd you go? I... I was looking for you. 508 00:21:58,725 --> 00:22:00,117 Everybody's down there. 509 00:22:00,933 --> 00:22:02,257 Came here. 510 00:22:02,684 --> 00:22:05,534 Didn't book any colleges, so I'm just, you know... 511 00:22:06,539 --> 00:22:08,040 eating my feelings. 512 00:22:11,016 --> 00:22:12,684 - Turkey club? - Mm-hmm. 513 00:22:14,058 --> 00:22:15,600 They do avocado or...? 514 00:22:15,790 --> 00:22:18,933 I don't think they have that in Philadelphia. 515 00:22:20,809 --> 00:22:22,308 I booked six. 516 00:22:22,890 --> 00:22:25,392 On the marketplace floor, and then I actually booked another one 517 00:22:25,392 --> 00:22:27,225 just networking at the mixer. 518 00:22:27,225 --> 00:22:28,222 Mm. 519 00:22:28,642 --> 00:22:30,350 Don't say networking. 520 00:22:30,806 --> 00:22:33,363 I'm sorry. What... What's going on? 521 00:22:34,134 --> 00:22:35,861 Are you... What's happening? 522 00:22:36,875 --> 00:22:40,141 You deserve it, Pete. You did everything they wanted, you know? 523 00:22:40,141 --> 00:22:42,278 You were out there gassing it up. 524 00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,359 Are you upset? At me? 525 00:22:45,841 --> 00:22:49,016 I... I just did what I thought we came here to do. 526 00:22:49,016 --> 00:22:52,961 We're here to book shows. We're here to make some money. 527 00:22:53,267 --> 00:22:54,600 - It's not about the money. - I didn't... 528 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,559 It's about the craft, and this whole place is a circus. 529 00:22:57,584 --> 00:22:58,683 Yeah, I... I... 530 00:22:58,708 --> 00:23:00,924 You really think Chris Rock would stand out there 531 00:23:00,949 --> 00:23:02,967 and wait for some teenager to validate 532 00:23:02,992 --> 00:23:05,169 his existence with a precious booking? 533 00:23:05,748 --> 00:23:08,475 Chris Rock doesn't work at a Cold Stone Creamery, right? 534 00:23:08,923 --> 00:23:11,600 I mean, we take the opportunities as they come. 535 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,408 - We can't pick and choose. - Mm-hmm. 536 00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:16,093 I really... I'm sorry you didn't book. 537 00:23:16,517 --> 00:23:17,831 But, you know... 538 00:23:18,528 --> 00:23:21,141 it's not... you didn't exactly play ball. 539 00:23:21,617 --> 00:23:22,725 Excuse me? 540 00:23:23,124 --> 00:23:26,763 You're up there swearing, and you told rape jokes. 541 00:23:26,809 --> 00:23:29,642 Oh! I was doing my act! 542 00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:31,975 - No, I know... - And it was an anti-rape joke, 543 00:23:31,975 --> 00:23:33,392 if you were even listening. 544 00:23:33,392 --> 00:23:34,975 Yeah, see? 'Cause, what I do is, 545 00:23:34,975 --> 00:23:38,517 I use that opportunity to make young people feel less alone, 546 00:23:38,517 --> 00:23:40,196 as opposed to what you did, 547 00:23:40,221 --> 00:23:42,809 which was, um, take a shit on the stage. 548 00:23:43,439 --> 00:23:46,699 How can you say that? We're not here to change lives. 549 00:23:46,724 --> 00:23:48,349 We're here to change our lives. 550 00:23:48,388 --> 00:23:51,642 They just said, don't say "rape," and you open with rape. 551 00:23:51,642 --> 00:23:55,350 I don't care what they said. I know what kind of stand-up I should do! 552 00:23:55,350 --> 00:23:58,000 I don't need someone else dictating my act! 553 00:23:58,047 --> 00:24:00,809 Read the situation. This wasn't the time to take a stand 554 00:24:00,809 --> 00:24:02,933 and try and change lives. We're trying to get work. 555 00:24:02,933 --> 00:24:04,975 Do you know what it was like for me to watch 556 00:24:04,975 --> 00:24:07,850 my boyfriend up there sucking NACA's dick? 557 00:24:07,850 --> 00:24:10,740 We're supposed to suck NACA's dick, that's why we came here! 558 00:24:10,769 --> 00:24:13,308 You came here to suck NACA's dick, suck NACA's dick! 559 00:24:13,308 --> 00:24:15,938 Honestly? Honestly? You're disgusting. 560 00:24:16,123 --> 00:24:19,390 I don't need advice from you on how to book, Pete, okay? 561 00:24:19,475 --> 00:24:22,267 Well, I'm sorry. If you're so above this, why did you come, 562 00:24:22,267 --> 00:24:24,100 if you don't wanna gas it up a little bit? 563 00:24:24,100 --> 00:24:27,684 I came here to book. I came here to try to turn this into a career. 564 00:24:27,684 --> 00:24:29,850 I don't wanna be a fucking open miker! 565 00:24:29,850 --> 00:24:31,267 - Mm-hmm. - Do you? 566 00:24:31,267 --> 00:24:34,016 Yes! That's my dream! 567 00:24:34,016 --> 00:24:35,127 Okay. 568 00:24:36,403 --> 00:24:39,392 I don't... Can we... Can we back this up a little bit? 569 00:24:39,392 --> 00:24:42,100 I'm... I'm sorry. 570 00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:43,433 Okay? I really am. 571 00:24:43,433 --> 00:24:46,725 I'm sorry that it didn't go your way. I thought it would. 572 00:24:47,069 --> 00:24:49,197 I thought you were great. Okay? 573 00:24:49,252 --> 00:24:52,767 But, you know, I booked. 574 00:24:52,767 --> 00:24:55,592 That's... That's some... That's good for us. 575 00:24:55,891 --> 00:24:56,916 Listen. 576 00:24:58,399 --> 00:25:01,559 I'm probably gonna need somebody to open for me, if you want to... 577 00:25:01,559 --> 00:25:05,100 [SCOFFS] Someone to open for you? 578 00:25:05,100 --> 00:25:07,475 - Something we can... - Fuck you! 579 00:25:07,475 --> 00:25:10,778 - Come on, I... - Throw yourself on a fucking fire, Pete. 580 00:25:16,225 --> 00:25:17,435 Fuck. 581 00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,891 [TOILET FLUSHING] 582 00:25:19,891 --> 00:25:21,438 Hey, we leave in five. 583 00:25:22,016 --> 00:25:24,809 Also, can you call downstairs and tell 'em we never got any robes? 584 00:25:26,016 --> 00:25:28,440 What are you... you stealing robes? 585 00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:30,842 Yeah, I take a lot of baths. 586 00:25:31,100 --> 00:25:33,725 ? 587 00:25:42,378 --> 00:25:44,433 - Hey. - Hey. 588 00:25:45,714 --> 00:25:47,298 We're gonna get going soon. 589 00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:50,407 You okay? 590 00:25:51,141 --> 00:25:52,486 Um... 591 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,283 Yeah, I guess, I'm fine. 592 00:25:58,445 --> 00:26:01,975 You know, the first time I did a NACA, I bombed really hard. 593 00:26:02,233 --> 00:26:03,900 [SCOFFS] All right. 594 00:26:03,925 --> 00:26:06,572 No, I'm serious. Like, I was standing in the booth, 595 00:26:06,597 --> 00:26:08,659 and there was a juggler near me and a hypnotist, 596 00:26:08,684 --> 00:26:10,475 and they're just showing off, 597 00:26:10,475 --> 00:26:13,517 and I was like, well, I just talk, you know? 598 00:26:13,802 --> 00:26:16,642 Well, you know, things worked out for you, so... 599 00:26:18,912 --> 00:26:21,341 You don't wanna be good at this thing, though. 600 00:26:21,995 --> 00:26:23,809 You're not a can of Coke. 601 00:26:24,086 --> 00:26:25,350 You have a different path. 602 00:26:26,909 --> 00:26:29,879 There's certain comics that know this world 603 00:26:29,933 --> 00:26:33,475 and... but then sometimes, they're stuck in it. 604 00:26:34,937 --> 00:26:38,476 And that's kind of creepy. 605 00:26:40,938 --> 00:26:42,266 What happened to your voice? 606 00:26:42,813 --> 00:26:43,863 What do you mean? 607 00:26:43,933 --> 00:26:46,221 I mean, you always sound like Kermit the Frog 608 00:26:46,246 --> 00:26:47,664 just got kicked in the nuts. 609 00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:51,016 - [LAUGHS] I guess so. - Right now, you just sound like a human. 610 00:26:52,183 --> 00:26:53,478 What's up with that? 611 00:26:54,850 --> 00:26:56,065 What's up with that? 612 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:58,975 Are you doing me? 613 00:26:59,936 --> 00:27:01,376 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 614 00:27:01,401 --> 00:27:03,100 That's, like, such a compliment. 615 00:27:03,104 --> 00:27:05,237 - [LAUGHS] - You're easy. 616 00:27:05,273 --> 00:27:07,206 [LAUGHS] 617 00:27:07,241 --> 00:27:09,374 Just like someone stepped on a cat. 618 00:27:09,410 --> 00:27:10,792 [LAUGHS] 619 00:27:11,578 --> 00:27:13,879 It's okay. I'm an acquired taste. 620 00:27:14,788 --> 00:27:16,292 MELISSA: That's pretty good. 621 00:27:17,051 --> 00:27:19,185 ? 622 00:27:25,258 --> 00:27:27,626 "All right, all right, all right. 623 00:27:28,529 --> 00:27:30,466 - All right." - Is that McConaughey? 624 00:27:31,332 --> 00:27:33,532 - Yeah. - That's good. 625 00:27:34,768 --> 00:27:37,268 CHICKEN WING: All right, I'm Matthew McConaughey. 626 00:27:37,304 --> 00:27:38,603 [MELISSA LAUGHS] 627 00:27:38,639 --> 00:27:41,389 MELISSA: "I'm Matthew McConaughey. Gotta find my surfboard." 628 00:27:41,634 --> 00:27:43,224 Pete, you got Holy Cross. 629 00:27:43,469 --> 00:27:45,368 - I did? - Congrats. 630 00:27:46,306 --> 00:27:47,422 Congrats. 631 00:27:47,808 --> 00:27:49,958 - Thanks. - That's awesome. Congrats. 632 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:52,818 Thanks. 633 00:27:54,447 --> 00:27:58,302 Let's, uh, we can... We'll catch up later. 634 00:27:59,085 --> 00:28:00,192 All right. 635 00:28:01,053 --> 00:28:03,087 MELISSA: "The law says you cannot touch..." 636 00:28:03,122 --> 00:28:04,168 [PHONE BUZZING] 637 00:28:04,193 --> 00:28:06,996 see a lot of lawbreakers out there. 638 00:28:11,631 --> 00:28:13,970 "I'm starting a buyer's club in Dallas." 639 00:28:14,705 --> 00:28:15,765 Good news? 640 00:28:17,005 --> 00:28:18,191 Yeah, you know... 641 00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:23,175 It was a good, yeah. 642 00:28:23,210 --> 00:28:24,976 - That's good. - "I'm a true detective..." 643 00:28:25,012 --> 00:28:27,584 - Yeah. - That's awesome. 644 00:28:29,258 --> 00:28:30,482 Thanks. 645 00:28:30,901 --> 00:28:32,934 MELISSA: "All right, all right, all right." 646 00:28:37,185 --> 00:28:38,925 "I gotta get through this wormhole" 647 00:28:39,302 --> 00:28:42,062 "to meet my daughter and send her a message through books." 648 00:28:43,392 --> 00:28:46,993 "Message, I need to send her a message through books." 649 00:28:48,861 --> 00:28:50,369 "I drive a Lincoln." 650 00:28:50,403 --> 00:28:52,385 [LAUGHING] 651 00:28:55,258 --> 00:28:57,141 - "I love a Lincoln." - "Dallas Buyers." 652 00:28:57,176 --> 00:28:59,813 "People 'round here call me Mud." 653 00:28:59,838 --> 00:29:03,840 ? Every day it's a-getting closer ? 654 00:29:03,877 --> 00:29:07,512 ? Going faster than a roller coaster ? 655 00:29:07,548 --> 00:29:12,783 ? Love like yours will surely come my way ? 656 00:29:12,818 --> 00:29:14,952 ? A-hey, a-hey, hey ? 657 00:29:14,987 --> 00:29:18,689 ? Every day it's a-getting faster ? 658 00:29:18,724 --> 00:29:22,593 ? Everyone said go ahead and ask her ? 659 00:29:22,628 --> 00:29:27,597 ? Love like yours will surely come my way ? 660 00:29:27,632 --> 00:29:30,133 ? A-hey, a-hey, hey ? 661 00:29:30,168 --> 00:29:33,669 ? Every day seems a little longer ? 662 00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:37,540 ? Every way love's a little stronger ? 663 00:29:37,576 --> 00:29:41,711 ? Come what may do you ever long for ? 664 00:29:41,746 --> 00:29:44,946 ? True love from me? ? 665 00:29:44,982 --> 00:29:48,950 ? Every day, it's a-getting closer ? 666 00:29:48,986 --> 00:29:52,588 ? Going faster than a roller coaster ? 667 00:29:52,623 --> 00:29:54,156 ? Love like yours ? 668 00:29:54,191 --> 00:29:56,291 ? Will surely come my ? 669 00:29:56,327 --> 00:29:58,026 ? Love like yours ? 670 00:29:58,061 --> 00:29:59,194 ? Will surely ? 671 00:29:59,230 --> 00:30:01,863 ? Come my way ? 672 00:30:01,913 --> 00:30:06,463 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 49553

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.