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1
00:00:04,883 --> 00:00:05,883
If you get food
from a food truck
2
00:00:05,883 --> 00:00:07,549
that isn't good,
you go up to complain it,
3
00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:08,716
they're, like,
three blocks away.
4
00:00:08,924 --> 00:00:10,758
Your jokes are funnier now
that they're not my problem.
5
00:00:10,758 --> 00:00:11,549
(JESS LAUGHS)
6
00:00:12,257 --> 00:00:14,716
My boyfriend and I,
we just took our relationship
7
00:00:14,716 --> 00:00:15,924
to the next level...
8
00:00:15,924 --> 00:00:17,174
-We broke up.
-(LAUGHS)
9
00:00:17,174 --> 00:00:18,758
PETE HOLMES: That was great.
Did you get your tape?
10
00:00:18,758 --> 00:00:21,799
Oh, uh... no. I hate this place.
It's like a haunted ski lodge.
11
00:00:21,799 --> 00:00:23,633
(DRUNKENLY) I think
you should take me home.
12
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,341
(LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY)
13
00:00:25,341 --> 00:00:26,174
(SNORES)
14
00:00:26,507 --> 00:00:28,466
ALI: Definitely, you know,
take a minute or two
15
00:00:28,466 --> 00:00:30,299
to get your stuff together.
16
00:00:31,841 --> 00:00:33,215
-(SHRIEKS, GASPS)
-Hey.
17
00:00:33,215 --> 00:00:34,424
Do you understand
how creepy it is
18
00:00:34,424 --> 00:00:35,841
that you're still in my space?
19
00:00:36,215 --> 00:00:37,591
PETE: What was it about him?
20
00:00:37,591 --> 00:00:39,090
WHITNEY CUMMINGS: He's just got
this, like, star quality.
21
00:00:39,090 --> 00:00:40,382
Some people are just
born with it.
22
00:00:40,382 --> 00:00:41,799
Or maybe they get it later.
23
00:00:41,799 --> 00:00:43,883
-I don't know.
-(SIGHS) I don't think so.
24
00:00:50,883 --> 00:00:52,507
Great live comedy show?
25
00:00:52,507 --> 00:00:54,716
(indistinct chatter)
26
00:00:54,716 --> 00:00:56,841
Great live comedy?
(bicycle bell rings)
27
00:00:59,341 --> 00:01:00,965
Great live comedy.
28
00:01:10,049 --> 00:01:11,257
Great live show.
29
00:01:14,466 --> 00:01:15,633
Great live show.
30
00:01:18,466 --> 00:01:19,965
(horns honking)
31
00:01:29,382 --> 00:01:31,341
Appreciate it.
Appreciate it. You got a napkin?
32
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,341
Yeah, of course.
You got a lot of napkins.
33
00:01:33,341 --> 00:01:34,841
Kenny:
I'm a napkin guy.
34
00:01:36,090 --> 00:01:38,090
Keith:
Here you go. Oh, thank you.
35
00:01:38,090 --> 00:01:40,174
Hey. Lucas Brothers.
36
00:01:40,174 --> 00:01:42,674
What up?
I'm-- I'm a really big fan.
37
00:01:42,674 --> 00:01:44,758
It's really nice--
I'm a fan of both of you guys.
38
00:01:44,758 --> 00:01:48,341
Well, it would be
kind of weird if you were a just fan of...
39
00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:51,132
one of us.
Yeah, we haven't released any solo records yet.
40
00:01:51,132 --> 00:01:52,883
(laughs)
But thanks, man.
41
00:01:52,883 --> 00:01:54,591
I'm a comic.
Well, I'm trying to be.
42
00:01:54,591 --> 00:01:57,174
All right.
They got me actually-- I'm handing out flyers
43
00:01:57,174 --> 00:01:58,841
for the comedy club
the Boston.
44
00:01:58,841 --> 00:02:00,507
I mean, if you guys
wanna go up,
45
00:02:00,507 --> 00:02:03,758
the show's working right now
if you wanna pop on.
46
00:02:03,758 --> 00:02:04,965
You wanna go to the Boston?
47
00:02:04,965 --> 00:02:06,215
No. No, no, no.
Kenny: No.
48
00:02:06,215 --> 00:02:08,507
Keith: No.
I-- I don't understand.
49
00:02:08,507 --> 00:02:10,174
It-- Why?
50
00:02:10,174 --> 00:02:13,007
Here's the thing, man.
We don't really perform in places like that.
51
00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:15,549
Places like... what?
52
00:02:15,549 --> 00:02:16,965
Comedy clubs?
53
00:02:16,965 --> 00:02:19,758
Dude, we don't do clubs.
No. No, we're alt-guys.
54
00:02:19,758 --> 00:02:21,924
You know what I mean?
We're alternative comics.
55
00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,549
Alternative clubs.
Yes.
56
00:02:23,549 --> 00:02:27,007
I-- Everybody's told me
that you gotta get in at the clubs,
57
00:02:27,007 --> 00:02:29,965
gotta get your foot in and--
it's rough, but you grind out,
58
00:02:29,965 --> 00:02:31,965
you get a little bit better
every day, right? I mean--
59
00:02:31,965 --> 00:02:35,591
I guess, but there's
some crowds you don't wanna kill for,
60
00:02:35,591 --> 00:02:39,090
and if you stay in clubs
like that, you might become a comic like that.
61
00:02:39,090 --> 00:02:41,382
Kenny: I mean,
I kinda feel like there are comedians
62
00:02:41,382 --> 00:02:43,841
who called people "fag"
in high school...
63
00:02:43,841 --> 00:02:46,132
Mm-hmm.
...then there are comedians who got called "fag."
64
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:48,090
That's right. That's right.
And the alt-scene
65
00:02:48,090 --> 00:02:50,674
is for the comedians
who got called "fag."
66
00:02:50,674 --> 00:02:52,299
Did you?
67
00:02:52,299 --> 00:02:54,299
Get called "fa--"
yeah.
68
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,591
Yeah.
See?
69
00:02:55,591 --> 00:02:57,674
On the way here,
actually. Keith: Of course.
70
00:02:57,674 --> 00:02:59,382
Lucas Brothers:
There you go. Kenny: Say no more.
71
00:02:59,382 --> 00:03:01,257
We got to-- we got to go.
We got a bit, man.
72
00:03:01,257 --> 00:03:03,090
Okay.
Good luck, man.
73
00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:05,424
I-- Really, thank you.
74
00:03:05,424 --> 00:03:08,090
♪ ♪
75
00:03:09,965 --> 00:03:12,174
Hey, Jay.
What's up, buddy?
76
00:03:12,174 --> 00:03:15,716
Um, I was wondering
if it's okay, uh,
77
00:03:15,716 --> 00:03:18,591
I thought
maybe tomorrow night you'd be okay without me.
78
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:21,257
Without you?
Yeah, I just-- I--
79
00:03:21,257 --> 00:03:23,924
You mean take the night off?
I wanna take the night off if that's okay.
80
00:03:23,924 --> 00:03:28,341
Off? Yeah, of course.
Why not take tomorrow night off? Sure, of course.
81
00:03:28,341 --> 00:03:31,716
Since we work at Jamba Juice,
just have Becky cover your shift.
82
00:03:31,716 --> 00:03:34,883
Pete, this is comedy.
You gotta get up every night, man.
83
00:03:34,883 --> 00:03:37,174
No, I'm gonna go
to a comedy show.
84
00:03:37,174 --> 00:03:40,591
I'm gonna go.
It's just-- I'm not-- I don't wanna come here.
85
00:03:40,591 --> 00:03:43,591
Oh.
I-- I wanna go to the alt-scene.
86
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:45,215
Oh, the alt-scene.
Yeah.
87
00:03:45,215 --> 00:03:47,174
Oh good. Okay.
All right. Well, yeah, no, sure.
88
00:03:47,174 --> 00:03:48,799
I mean, if you wanna
go watch a pack of nerds
89
00:03:48,799 --> 00:03:51,591
lightly tickle the audience
with a feather, suit yourself.
90
00:03:51,591 --> 00:03:55,382
Sorry, I... I just want
to do something--
91
00:03:55,382 --> 00:03:57,549
Have you been
to an alt-show? Have I been?
92
00:03:57,549 --> 00:03:59,132
I've been
to a Chinese restaurant
93
00:03:59,132 --> 00:04:01,382
where a show broke out
that was alternative to funny,
94
00:04:01,382 --> 00:04:04,633
just five guys in glasses
in flannels talking about their journaling.
95
00:04:04,633 --> 00:04:08,341
Have I witnessed
that brand of comedy terrorism? Yeah, I've seen that.
96
00:04:08,341 --> 00:04:11,132
No thanks.
I don't need to see five brats from Williamsburg
97
00:04:11,132 --> 00:04:13,299
shitting on whatever the hell
their parents handed them.
98
00:04:15,132 --> 00:04:17,841
You-- Okay, I'm just letting
you know, tomorrow night...
99
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,507
Yeah.
...someone else can take my corner.
100
00:04:20,507 --> 00:04:22,799
Sure. Absolutely.
I'd happily fill your slot.
101
00:04:22,799 --> 00:04:26,507
It'll be waiting for you
when you come back in the year 2090
102
00:04:26,507 --> 00:04:29,633
after you're done fake-laughing
at Morrissey references
103
00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:32,257
and sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon
out of a paper bag,
104
00:04:32,257 --> 00:04:33,883
you fucking wuss!
105
00:04:33,883 --> 00:04:36,883
♪ ♪
106
00:04:38,716 --> 00:04:40,841
Do you wanna come?
It sounds like you wanna come.
107
00:04:40,841 --> 00:04:43,507
♪ ♪
108
00:04:51,299 --> 00:04:53,549
(bell jingles)
109
00:04:55,090 --> 00:04:57,049
Jo:
Uh, I found out-- I turned 30,
110
00:04:57,049 --> 00:04:59,174
I realized, you know,
everything's pretty easy.
111
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:00,758
There's no--
there's no gray areas.
112
00:05:00,758 --> 00:05:02,049
It's all pretty
black and white.
113
00:05:02,049 --> 00:05:03,382
(laughter)
114
00:05:03,382 --> 00:05:05,299
Jo:
Anyways, so...
115
00:05:05,299 --> 00:05:07,132
if you need any advice,
just let me know.
116
00:05:07,132 --> 00:05:10,382
Like, for example,
I got into the elevator the other day,
117
00:05:10,382 --> 00:05:15,007
I was alone, and so I farted,
which is legal, you know?
118
00:05:16,257 --> 00:05:18,007
But I-- I got out
at the lobby,
119
00:05:18,007 --> 00:05:21,215
and then someone I knew came
into that same elevator car.
120
00:05:21,215 --> 00:05:24,758
Now, that's a tricky situation,
'cause the doors are closing,
121
00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,799
buttons are being pushed.
I mean, what can you do?
122
00:05:26,799 --> 00:05:30,633
You know, and so then--
so what can you do?
123
00:05:30,633 --> 00:05:32,758
You send an email, you know?
124
00:05:32,758 --> 00:05:35,341
Subject: "I'm sorry."
125
00:05:35,341 --> 00:05:37,049
Body: "It was me."
126
00:05:37,049 --> 00:05:40,549
(laughter)
"My body-- my body did that."
127
00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:46,924
So anyway, guys,
I think this was really helpful for you,
128
00:05:46,924 --> 00:05:48,424
and thank you guys
so much.
129
00:05:48,424 --> 00:05:50,257
Keep it going
for Lizzy, everybody.
130
00:05:50,257 --> 00:05:52,049
(cheers, applause)
131
00:05:52,049 --> 00:05:53,841
Guys, keep it going for Jo!
132
00:05:53,841 --> 00:05:56,841
She popped out
her Invisalign for this!
133
00:05:56,841 --> 00:05:58,674
(playing discordant notes)
134
00:05:58,674 --> 00:06:00,924
This is a nice,
intimate room.
135
00:06:00,924 --> 00:06:03,674
Do you think Abraham Lincoln
liked the play he was watching,
136
00:06:03,674 --> 00:06:06,007
or was he like,
"Somebody put me out of my misery?"
137
00:06:06,007 --> 00:06:08,674
(playing discordant notes)
(laughter)
138
00:06:08,674 --> 00:06:11,424
Uh, I have to say
out of all the addresses,
139
00:06:11,424 --> 00:06:14,090
my favorite address
is Gettysburg
140
00:06:14,090 --> 00:06:17,841
and my least favorite address
is, "Hey, bitches."
141
00:06:17,841 --> 00:06:20,674
(playing discordant notes)
Don't address me that way!
142
00:06:20,674 --> 00:06:22,591
I thought
we were friends.
143
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:25,466
(laughter)
(playing discordant notes)
144
00:06:25,466 --> 00:06:27,215
All right, are we ready
for our next act?
145
00:06:27,215 --> 00:06:30,466
(cheers, applause)
I am so excited.
146
00:06:30,466 --> 00:06:35,424
Please welcome to the stage
the hilarious Ali Reissen!
147
00:06:35,424 --> 00:06:37,841
(cheering)
148
00:06:37,841 --> 00:06:40,799
Woo!
Ali: Thank you.
149
00:06:40,799 --> 00:06:43,716
Lizzy Cooperman,
there she is.
150
00:06:43,716 --> 00:06:46,090
Best topknot
in Brooklyn.
151
00:06:46,090 --> 00:06:50,215
Fun fact about Lizzy:
she studied piano at Juilliard.
152
00:06:50,215 --> 00:06:51,674
She was taught
by Cookie Monster.
153
00:06:51,674 --> 00:06:53,716
(laughter)
154
00:06:53,716 --> 00:06:55,424
Do you guys
like impressions?
155
00:06:55,424 --> 00:06:57,466
Man: Woo!
Okay, cool.
156
00:06:57,466 --> 00:06:58,924
So, okay, here's my first one.
157
00:06:58,924 --> 00:07:03,299
This is my impression
of a pretentious orphan.
158
00:07:03,299 --> 00:07:06,674
Okay, this is
a pretentious orphan. (laughs)
159
00:07:07,633 --> 00:07:10,132
Do you know
who my father is?
160
00:07:10,132 --> 00:07:12,466
(laughter)
161
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:16,341
Okay, this is my impression
of Meryl Streep...
162
00:07:16,341 --> 00:07:18,466
Sorry.
...trying to take a compliment.
163
00:07:18,466 --> 00:07:21,007
(indistinct chatter)
164
00:07:23,424 --> 00:07:24,507
Ali:
Are you okay?
165
00:07:25,633 --> 00:07:26,799
You seem a little...
166
00:07:26,799 --> 00:07:30,841
(indistinct chatter)
167
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:32,174
Hey, Ali.
168
00:07:33,341 --> 00:07:35,049
Hey.
Pete.
169
00:07:35,049 --> 00:07:36,716
Yeah. Hang on one sec.
170
00:07:36,716 --> 00:07:40,132
Pete from the other night.
Yeah. Hey.
171
00:07:40,132 --> 00:07:41,674
Great set.
Thank you.
172
00:07:41,674 --> 00:07:43,007
Killer.
Thank you.
173
00:07:43,007 --> 00:07:44,633
Really. I haven't--
174
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:48,049
You owned the room.
Oh, thank you.
175
00:07:48,049 --> 00:07:49,549
Really funny.
Thanks.
176
00:07:50,841 --> 00:07:53,965
Still trying
to... make a tape? Yes. Yeah.
177
00:07:53,965 --> 00:07:55,549
Yeah, you know.
178
00:07:55,549 --> 00:07:59,007
It can be hard.
I just-- I feel like I'm a lot more natural
179
00:07:59,007 --> 00:08:00,883
when I'm not taping myself.
180
00:08:00,883 --> 00:08:02,883
Curse of the tape.
Yeah.
181
00:08:05,132 --> 00:08:08,841
Sorry about the other,
uh, other day. Yes!
182
00:08:08,841 --> 00:08:10,549
Really glad
you said something. Right?
183
00:08:10,549 --> 00:08:13,507
Yeah.
If it's any consultation--
184
00:08:13,507 --> 00:08:15,841
"Lation."
Consolation.
185
00:08:15,841 --> 00:08:18,382
(giggles) Yeah.
"Consultation" is for...
186
00:08:18,382 --> 00:08:20,965
hair.
Yeah, yeah, if I could give you a brief consultation...
187
00:08:20,965 --> 00:08:23,965
(laughs) Please don't.
Uh, I'm new at all this.
188
00:08:23,965 --> 00:08:28,215
I-I-- I know it might have
seemed a little creepier than I intended it.
189
00:08:28,215 --> 00:08:31,549
Yeah.
I-- so, I...
190
00:08:31,549 --> 00:08:34,049
Are sorry.
You're sorry. I-- I are sorry.
191
00:08:34,049 --> 00:08:37,049
(laughs) You are sorry.
Toys "R" Us. I are sorry.
192
00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:39,716
(laughs) Okay.
And... wow.
193
00:08:39,716 --> 00:08:42,716
Yeah. I'm also sorry.
I-- We both could've
194
00:08:42,716 --> 00:08:46,841
been our better selves
in that situation, so I'm sorry, too.
195
00:08:46,841 --> 00:08:49,716
I'm also sorry 'cause I truly
do have to run right now.
196
00:08:49,716 --> 00:08:51,299
Oh.
I have a show.
197
00:08:51,299 --> 00:08:52,965
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, so...
198
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:56,382
No problem.
It was good-- I-- Okay. Yeah.
199
00:08:56,382 --> 00:09:01,132
Have--
Unless... Do you wanna come with me to my show?
200
00:09:01,132 --> 00:09:03,257
Now?
Yeah.
201
00:09:03,257 --> 00:09:05,466
Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. To my show?
202
00:09:05,466 --> 00:09:08,341
All right.
I would love to come, love to see another show.
203
00:09:08,341 --> 00:09:09,924
Okay, guys,
I gotta go.
204
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,924
Bye, great to see you.
Very funny.
205
00:09:11,924 --> 00:09:12,965
You were so funny.
Oh, thanks.
206
00:09:12,965 --> 00:09:15,424
I love your long shirt,
that's cool.
207
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:17,174
Thanks.
Okay, yeah, don't talk to them.
208
00:09:17,174 --> 00:09:18,965
♪ ♪
209
00:09:18,965 --> 00:09:20,965
(rattling)
210
00:09:25,174 --> 00:09:28,466
I feel--
I feel like if an elf...
211
00:09:29,549 --> 00:09:32,215
If an elf trips
at the North Pole,
212
00:09:32,215 --> 00:09:34,132
they give him
a candy cane.
213
00:09:34,132 --> 00:09:35,924
Uh... oh.
214
00:09:35,924 --> 00:09:39,591
It's sad but sweet.
Sad-- Yeah, 'cause he's a little disabled.
215
00:09:39,591 --> 00:09:41,965
It's the only candy based
on medical equipment.
216
00:09:41,965 --> 00:09:45,633
Yeah, right?
That's like, um...
217
00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:47,965
That's like a dad joke.
218
00:09:47,965 --> 00:09:51,633
I like Dad jokes.
No, I-- That does not surprise me.
219
00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:55,174
That's completely your vibe.
You're kind of like a...
220
00:09:55,174 --> 00:09:57,924
You're kind
of like a dorky dad at a barbecue.
221
00:09:57,924 --> 00:10:01,799
That's kind of your essence.
Like a Tom Arnold character in the '90s.
222
00:10:01,799 --> 00:10:03,382
Yeah. Yes!
223
00:10:05,257 --> 00:10:08,341
To be honest,
of all the things I could be,
224
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:11,591
I don't mind being
a fun... like, a fun dad.
225
00:10:11,591 --> 00:10:13,633
Can I have that?
Yeah.
226
00:10:14,633 --> 00:10:16,841
I may?
Yeah. My gift to you.
227
00:10:20,090 --> 00:10:24,382
Is this, um...
Is this your last spot or you doing--
228
00:10:24,382 --> 00:10:28,841
No, I have this one
and then, um, two more after.
229
00:10:28,841 --> 00:10:31,174
Two, really?
(laughs) Yeah.
230
00:10:31,174 --> 00:10:34,257
In one night?
Yeah.
231
00:10:34,257 --> 00:10:39,174
Wow. My record
in one night is, uh, is one.
232
00:10:39,174 --> 00:10:41,174
Are you serious?
Yeah.
233
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:45,507
I can't even think--
I don't know four places in the same night to go up.
234
00:10:45,507 --> 00:10:47,382
That's insane.
Why do you live in the city?
235
00:10:47,382 --> 00:10:48,716
That's the whole point
of New York,
236
00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:50,507
is you can, like, bounce
around to different spots.
237
00:10:50,507 --> 00:10:52,883
How long have
you been doing comedy?
238
00:10:52,883 --> 00:10:55,382
Uh, well, short answer,
three years,
239
00:10:55,382 --> 00:10:58,883
but I've been more focused
the past couple of months.
240
00:11:01,299 --> 00:11:03,132
My, uh, my wife,
I was--
241
00:11:03,132 --> 00:11:06,507
Your wife?
My ex-wife. Sorry.
242
00:11:06,507 --> 00:11:08,174
Whoa. Okay.
Yeah.
243
00:11:08,174 --> 00:11:11,424
Wow. All right.
You're not an adulteress.
244
00:11:11,424 --> 00:11:14,633
Okay. good.
(laughs) She is.
245
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,341
Oh! Oh no.
Yeah.
246
00:11:16,341 --> 00:11:18,174
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. (laughs)
247
00:11:18,174 --> 00:11:20,716
Both:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
248
00:11:20,716 --> 00:11:23,257
It's fine,
it's fine, it's fine. She, uh, she had an affair--
249
00:11:23,257 --> 00:11:26,758
there was a whole thing--
and because I'm now single,
250
00:11:26,758 --> 00:11:30,466
for the first time in my life,
I'm doing a lot more sets.
251
00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:34,174
Totally. You channel
the pain into performing.
252
00:11:34,174 --> 00:11:36,257
But I also--
I totally get that.
253
00:11:36,257 --> 00:11:39,174
Is-- Why did you
get into stand-up?
254
00:11:39,174 --> 00:11:42,257
I don't know. My parents,
they work together,
255
00:11:42,257 --> 00:11:44,674
and they both cheated
on each other. Yeah.
256
00:11:44,674 --> 00:11:46,507
So, it was like
this really weird household.
257
00:11:46,507 --> 00:11:49,841
Actually, I kind
of tried to start talking about this on stage.
258
00:11:49,841 --> 00:11:53,299
But my--
so, my mom was cheating on my dad with this guy
259
00:11:53,299 --> 00:11:56,965
who had a really long,
gross, gray ponytail,
260
00:11:56,965 --> 00:12:00,633
like a sex commune ponytail.
It was braided into a tip. You know what I mean?
261
00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:02,466
Oh no.
He wore a lot of turquoise jewelry.
262
00:12:02,466 --> 00:12:05,965
It was really rough.
And I didn't know that that was happening,
263
00:12:05,965 --> 00:12:11,299
but I did notice that my dad
started to try to grow his own ponytail,
264
00:12:11,299 --> 00:12:14,674
but he couldn't,
his hair just doesn't do that,
265
00:12:14,674 --> 00:12:18,883
so he had this little,
like, broccoli floret.
266
00:12:18,883 --> 00:12:22,716
But he did it for your mom?
He did it to get my mom back.
267
00:12:22,716 --> 00:12:26,633
Woo!
Yeah, so that'll fuck you up for good,
268
00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:28,591
and make you go
into stand-up.
269
00:12:29,799 --> 00:12:33,299
Your parents
are still together? Unfortunately.
270
00:12:33,299 --> 00:12:35,549
Yeah, really,
they're hanging on by a thread--
271
00:12:35,549 --> 00:12:37,883
not even a--
not even something as thick as a thread.
272
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:42,507
A ponytail.
A thin, wiry ponytail. (laughs loudly)
273
00:12:42,507 --> 00:12:45,341
That's not a train laugh.
I need to hold it in. (chuckles)
274
00:12:45,341 --> 00:12:46,591
♪ ♪
275
00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:49,007
Will:
Let's give a nice shout out to Kenny DeForest
276
00:12:49,007 --> 00:12:51,132
for quitting
high school basketball. Man: Yeah.
277
00:12:51,132 --> 00:12:53,382
Hey, also, keep it going
for black Bart Simpson, everybody.
278
00:12:53,382 --> 00:12:55,841
I think this guy is
really something special. (laughter)
279
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:58,215
Give it up
for adult Bart Simpson. (laughs)
280
00:12:58,215 --> 00:13:01,591
Will:
Give it up for Lisa. (laughter)
281
00:13:01,591 --> 00:13:05,090
Oh shit. Ali brought
this Paul Bunyan-looking motherfucker through.
282
00:13:05,090 --> 00:13:08,007
He just got cut
by the Utah Jazz, man.
283
00:13:08,007 --> 00:13:11,799
Hey, Jimmy Jones'
nephew, everybody, invented the chest pass.
284
00:13:11,799 --> 00:13:13,758
America's first center.
285
00:13:13,758 --> 00:13:15,507
Clark:
Do it like your daddy.
286
00:13:15,507 --> 00:13:19,090
Is this even legal?
I mean, it's like a college party.
287
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,049
Will: I like how
everyone in the crowd--
288
00:13:21,049 --> 00:13:22,924
At my college,
we didn't have parties.
289
00:13:22,924 --> 00:13:25,090
We had prayer parties.
290
00:13:25,090 --> 00:13:27,007
Some times we'd--
we'd swing dance.
291
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:30,549
Fun excuse
to touch a lady's waist.
292
00:13:30,549 --> 00:13:32,549
I bet they'd
put you up, actually.
293
00:13:32,549 --> 00:13:34,591
(laughter)
294
00:13:34,591 --> 00:13:36,341
Really? Uh, yeah.
295
00:13:36,341 --> 00:13:38,174
Ali:
Yeah, like five minutes.
296
00:13:38,174 --> 00:13:42,924
Oh! Hi, Guinevere!
Oh! Hi!
297
00:13:42,924 --> 00:13:44,674
How's it going?
Have you up in two.
298
00:13:44,674 --> 00:13:47,341
Okay, cool.
Who's this tall drink of vodka soda?
299
00:13:47,341 --> 00:13:49,799
Do I know you?
I feel like I know you. Have we met before?
300
00:13:49,799 --> 00:13:52,007
I-- I don't think so.
I'm a comedian.
301
00:13:52,007 --> 00:13:56,132
I-- I'm Pete.
Hmm. Why don't I know you?
302
00:13:56,132 --> 00:14:00,215
I-- I don't know.
Is-- this is your room? You book this room?
303
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:04,257
Yeah. Yeah.
And Whiplash, Bar Chooch, and the Candle Factory.
304
00:14:04,257 --> 00:14:06,382
I mean--
I don't know what those words are.
305
00:14:06,382 --> 00:14:07,633
Are you from out of town?
306
00:14:07,633 --> 00:14:09,424
No, no, he lives here.
307
00:14:09,424 --> 00:14:13,257
Uh, yeah.
He could-- he could probably go up if you guys have room.
308
00:14:13,257 --> 00:14:15,758
Only if you have room.
Hmm. We'll see.
309
00:14:15,758 --> 00:14:19,090
Efron! I'm counting
your Michelobs.
310
00:14:19,090 --> 00:14:21,090
(laughter)
I do have body dysmorphia.
311
00:14:21,090 --> 00:14:22,633
I think I get it
from my grandma.
312
00:14:22,633 --> 00:14:24,549
She always told me
that I had cankles.
313
00:14:24,549 --> 00:14:26,257
She was like,
"You have cankles,"
314
00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:27,758
which if you don't know
what that is,
315
00:14:27,758 --> 00:14:30,007
it's part calf, part ankle.
316
00:14:30,007 --> 00:14:31,924
Also you can throw
my thighs in the mix.
317
00:14:31,924 --> 00:14:34,758
I have thankles.
And, uh--
318
00:14:34,758 --> 00:14:36,299
and my grandmother
said that to me,
319
00:14:36,299 --> 00:14:37,633
and I was like,
"Oh, that's crazy,
320
00:14:37,633 --> 00:14:39,549
'cause, Grandma,
you have mount."
321
00:14:39,549 --> 00:14:43,758
She's like, "What is that?"
I'm like, "That's 'mouth' mixed with 'cunt.'
322
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:46,591
You have cunt mouth."
323
00:14:46,591 --> 00:14:49,382
Do you guys
like impressions? Great. Here we go.
324
00:14:49,382 --> 00:14:53,799
They say that
cockroaches will survive the nuclear holocaust.
325
00:14:54,965 --> 00:14:58,049
So-- so what is in Raid...
326
00:14:58,049 --> 00:15:01,466
that's worse
than a nuclear holocaust?
327
00:15:01,466 --> 00:15:03,965
(laughter)
328
00:15:03,965 --> 00:15:07,132
And should I be
keeping it in the pantry next to my dry goods?
329
00:15:07,132 --> 00:15:08,799
(laughter)
330
00:15:11,007 --> 00:15:14,215
Sorry. I know this is weird
for a comedian to say,
331
00:15:14,215 --> 00:15:17,841
but I'm not used
to laughing. (all laugh)
332
00:15:17,841 --> 00:15:20,591
I should--
I should take you with me to other clubs,
333
00:15:20,591 --> 00:15:22,382
so you should see
how that joke normally does.
334
00:15:22,382 --> 00:15:25,424
Man: Woo!
(laughter)
335
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,965
I-- I don't know. This is--
I-- I don't have kids.
336
00:15:28,965 --> 00:15:31,507
I was talking
with a friend of mine. I don't-- I don't have kids,
337
00:15:31,507 --> 00:15:33,633
but doesn't it
kinda feel like I do?
338
00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,382
(light laughter)
Man: Yeah!
339
00:15:35,382 --> 00:15:39,466
Yeah, I don't have any,
but I kinda feel like a-- like an embarrassing dad,
340
00:15:39,466 --> 00:15:43,466
like a dorky--
like an embarrassing dad at a barbecue,
341
00:15:43,466 --> 00:15:45,841
just kinda going up
to the kids, going... (dorky laugh)
342
00:15:45,841 --> 00:15:49,007
"Fresca!" Like that.
(laughter)
343
00:15:49,007 --> 00:15:50,049
He's funny, right?
344
00:15:51,174 --> 00:15:52,799
He'll be funny
in three years.
345
00:15:52,799 --> 00:15:54,674
♪ ♪
346
00:15:54,674 --> 00:15:57,341
Man:
A girlfriend of mine made me--
347
00:15:57,341 --> 00:15:58,799
Yeah.
That was so fun.
348
00:15:58,799 --> 00:16:00,341
You had a great set.
Yeah, it was--
349
00:16:00,341 --> 00:16:01,883
That was like
the best set I've ever had.
350
00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:03,716
Really? That's awesome.
Yes.
351
00:16:03,716 --> 00:16:05,965
Thank you.
Yeah, of course.
352
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,883
What about you?
That was a great set.
353
00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:11,215
Did you
you get your tape? Nah. I flubbed a bit.
354
00:16:12,424 --> 00:16:14,090
God, I wish
I had taped mine.
355
00:16:15,758 --> 00:16:16,841
I did.
356
00:16:16,841 --> 00:16:19,424
Yeah, I just left
it running.
357
00:16:19,424 --> 00:16:22,424
What?
Really, it was fine. It's so easy.
358
00:16:23,674 --> 00:16:25,215
Thank you.
You're so welcome.
359
00:16:25,215 --> 00:16:26,841
(audience laughs)
360
00:16:28,716 --> 00:16:31,633
♪ ♪
361
00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:36,132
♪ I wonder how you look
when you sleep ♪
362
00:16:36,132 --> 00:16:40,215
♪ Do you still dream
about girls from your street? ♪
363
00:16:40,215 --> 00:16:45,007
♪ Do you still dream about girls
from high school? ♪
364
00:16:45,007 --> 00:16:51,257
♪ Do you still dream
about girls, girls, girls? ♪
365
00:16:56,257 --> 00:16:58,716
So what? Where next?
366
00:16:58,716 --> 00:17:01,299
We're going to Rififi.
367
00:17:01,299 --> 00:17:03,299
Oh! Rififi!
368
00:17:03,299 --> 00:17:05,299
Say it again.
(scoffs)
369
00:17:05,299 --> 00:17:08,215
Do you think
they'll let me up or-- Nope.
370
00:17:08,215 --> 00:17:10,883
(laughs)
I've created a monster.
371
00:17:10,883 --> 00:17:14,049
They will not let you up.
It took me like two years to get in there.
372
00:17:14,049 --> 00:17:16,507
Really?
Yup.
373
00:17:16,507 --> 00:17:19,507
You know, when I was married,
I used to do mikes in the city,
374
00:17:19,507 --> 00:17:22,382
and I would send her photos
of the Empire State building
375
00:17:22,382 --> 00:17:25,007
to show her what color
it was that night. (chuckles)
376
00:17:25,007 --> 00:17:26,758
This is a good one.
377
00:17:26,758 --> 00:17:29,007
(boat horn blares)
378
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:30,591
Is that your flirt strategy,
379
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,841
just bringing up
your ex-wife?
380
00:17:32,841 --> 00:17:34,674
(laughs)
381
00:17:34,674 --> 00:17:37,049
No, I-- I--
It's fine. It's fine.
382
00:17:37,049 --> 00:17:39,174
It's quite a dick pick.
Yes.
383
00:17:39,174 --> 00:17:43,758
What did she text back?
Just like... a photo of the Holland Tunnel?
384
00:17:43,758 --> 00:17:46,049
(laughs)
No, she wasn't--
385
00:17:46,049 --> 00:17:48,090
She wasn't really--
She didn't do bits.
386
00:17:49,341 --> 00:17:50,841
Hmm.
387
00:17:50,841 --> 00:17:53,341
(clicks tongue)
That's a bummer.
388
00:17:53,341 --> 00:17:58,382
I'm-- I'm sorry.
I'm just kind of getting used to being a divorcé.
389
00:17:58,382 --> 00:18:00,424
I'm a divorcé.
390
00:18:00,424 --> 00:18:03,424
I don't think
that's a great word for it. It sounds like a happy thing,
391
00:18:03,424 --> 00:18:06,633
like fiancé,
Beyoncé, or Kanye.
392
00:18:06,633 --> 00:18:08,341
These are happy--
Right, right. It's a happy--
393
00:18:08,341 --> 00:18:09,841
It feels like it should be
a happy word.
394
00:18:09,841 --> 00:18:11,633
Than... (deep voice)
"Oh, I'm a divorcé."
395
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:14,507
(laughs)
(normal voice) Like a pile of laundry.
396
00:18:14,507 --> 00:18:16,716
waiting to be cleaned.
(laughs)
397
00:18:16,716 --> 00:18:19,174
♪ ♪
398
00:18:19,174 --> 00:18:21,215
I never really noticed
that it changed.
399
00:18:21,215 --> 00:18:23,674
That's Caribbean Week.
It's my favorite.
400
00:18:23,674 --> 00:18:26,132
(laughs)
Of course you have a favorite.
401
00:18:26,132 --> 00:18:28,382
(audience laughs)
402
00:18:28,382 --> 00:18:31,549
You know,
Oprah Winfrey-- you would think
403
00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:34,716
out of all the years,
the most powerful lady, richest,
404
00:18:34,716 --> 00:18:39,841
but I've never in my life
have ever heard of another child named Oprah.
405
00:18:39,841 --> 00:18:42,341
(laughter)
Have you though? I mean, have you ever?
406
00:18:42,341 --> 00:18:45,132
Something to think about.
Man 2: I mean, I bet there is one.
407
00:18:45,132 --> 00:18:47,049
But where?
I guess you could-- But where?
408
00:18:47,049 --> 00:18:49,007
I mean,
I would guess Maryland. Alex. Let me ask.
409
00:18:49,007 --> 00:18:51,799
Alex, is there
more Oprahs
410
00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:54,341
out there other than
the main Oprah?
411
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:56,591
Alex.
(laughter)
412
00:18:56,591 --> 00:18:58,466
You guys ready
for 30-second stand-up comedy?
413
00:18:58,466 --> 00:19:00,215
Let's hear it!
(cheering)
414
00:19:00,215 --> 00:19:03,633
One, two, three, four!
All: ♪ 30 seconds, 30 seconds ♪
415
00:19:03,633 --> 00:19:05,633
♪ 30 seconds of stand-up ♪
416
00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:07,549
♪ 30 seconds, 30 seconds ♪
417
00:19:07,549 --> 00:19:09,382
♪ 30 seconds of stand-up ♪
418
00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:11,716
Comedy in...
Go, Eugene, go!
419
00:19:11,716 --> 00:19:16,424
Um, a friend of mine
recently told me that when we were in elementary school,
420
00:19:16,424 --> 00:19:19,633
our teacher told her
to not be my friend
421
00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:22,174
because I was a loser.
422
00:19:22,174 --> 00:19:23,507
(laughter)
423
00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:26,049
Eugene:
And then to prove-- (whispers) I got a good spot.
424
00:19:26,049 --> 00:19:27,716
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
425
00:19:27,716 --> 00:19:29,965
Oh, cool.
Eugene: Showed her my test scores--
426
00:19:29,965 --> 00:19:32,341
You okay?
Uh, not really.
427
00:19:32,341 --> 00:19:35,215
I was supposed to go up next,
but John Mulaney just dropped in,
428
00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:38,007
so now I'm probably
gonna miss Whiplash.
429
00:19:38,007 --> 00:19:39,758
Oh.
It's really shitty.
430
00:19:39,758 --> 00:19:41,799
Shit. Maybe--
Yeah.
431
00:19:41,799 --> 00:19:43,382
Is there something
we can do?
432
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:45,341
(sighs) It's fine.
I'll figure it out.
433
00:19:45,341 --> 00:19:48,424
I know that if you wanted
to show that I was bad at math,
434
00:19:48,424 --> 00:19:51,758
it'd be very easy,
but what's the test that shows you're a loser?
435
00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:54,257
Like, was the question like,
"What's your favorite food?"
436
00:19:54,257 --> 00:19:57,090
And I was like,
"Sour cream."
437
00:19:57,090 --> 00:20:01,758
(laughter)
"Who's your favorite band?" "My rabbi."
438
00:20:03,174 --> 00:20:05,466
"If you could be friends
with anyone living or dead,
439
00:20:05,466 --> 00:20:08,257
who would it be?"
"Henry Kissinger."
440
00:20:08,257 --> 00:20:09,591
(laughter)
441
00:20:09,591 --> 00:20:11,799
Eugene:
See? (cheers, applause)
442
00:20:11,799 --> 00:20:13,633
Yeah, you want
to try something?
443
00:20:13,633 --> 00:20:16,758
Bobby: There's something
new I've been doing for the last five years,
444
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:19,883
Eugene: Yeah?
Bobby: But this is called a friendship call...
445
00:20:19,883 --> 00:20:21,466
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, John.
446
00:20:23,341 --> 00:20:27,466
Hello. My friend, Ali Reissen.
Do you know her?
447
00:20:27,466 --> 00:20:30,591
No.
She's a very, very funny comedian.
448
00:20:30,591 --> 00:20:33,841
She was gonna go next,
but then you bumped her,
449
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:36,674
which is obviously fine.
450
00:20:36,674 --> 00:20:39,841
But we were just wondering
if you could go after her,
451
00:20:39,841 --> 00:20:42,215
'cause she has
a spot that she has to get to after this.
452
00:20:42,215 --> 00:20:44,841
I can't do that.
I have a 10:45 spot.
453
00:20:44,841 --> 00:20:46,799
That's the only reason
I asked to bump her.
454
00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,924
It would mean a lot to her.
It would mean a lot to me.
455
00:20:48,924 --> 00:20:52,758
I'm a huge--
it's-- you're like our comedy Kennedy.
456
00:20:52,758 --> 00:20:54,841
This is exciting for me.
I'm a really big fan.
457
00:20:54,841 --> 00:20:58,299
Oh! So you didn't hear
what I just said.
458
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:02,174
No, I heard you.
I'm just wondering--
459
00:21:02,174 --> 00:21:05,299
The reason I bumped her
is 'cause I need something.
460
00:21:05,299 --> 00:21:08,633
To undo the bump
would be to take away the thing I want.
461
00:21:08,633 --> 00:21:12,132
Why would I do that?
And who are you in all this?
462
00:21:12,132 --> 00:21:15,716
And what are you to her
that you walk over to me on her behalf?
463
00:21:15,716 --> 00:21:18,299
No, I'm trying--
I'm trying to impress her.
464
00:21:18,299 --> 00:21:21,341
I-- I'm-- I'm a comic.
465
00:21:21,341 --> 00:21:23,174
Great. Do you have
a business card?
466
00:21:23,174 --> 00:21:25,674
No, I--
That was a put-down.
467
00:21:26,674 --> 00:21:28,257
I'm sorry.
My dad just told me
468
00:21:28,257 --> 00:21:30,215
if you want something,
you gotta ask for it.
469
00:21:30,215 --> 00:21:31,924
Oh.
So, I saw you--
470
00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:34,549
Your dad sounds
like an idiot.
471
00:21:34,549 --> 00:21:36,716
Is he like
a salt-of-the-earth type person?
472
00:21:36,716 --> 00:21:38,799
Hi. What's going on?
473
00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:41,215
Are you Ali?
What are you doing? I am. Hi.
474
00:21:41,215 --> 00:21:42,841
I am very sorry
for bumping you,
475
00:21:42,841 --> 00:21:44,841
but I have to get
somewhere, so--
476
00:21:44,841 --> 00:21:48,049
I was just seeing if he would
swap with you so you could get to your show on time.
477
00:21:48,049 --> 00:21:51,049
We're talking about it.
N-- oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
478
00:21:51,049 --> 00:21:53,633
I did not ask him--
Oh, you don't have to apologize.
479
00:21:53,633 --> 00:21:54,883
I fully know it's him.
480
00:21:54,883 --> 00:21:56,215
Yeah. Can I...
481
00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,924
(audience laughs)
482
00:21:58,924 --> 00:22:00,466
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
483
00:22:00,466 --> 00:22:04,424
I-- I'm trying to help.
But... I didn't ask you to.
484
00:22:04,424 --> 00:22:07,049
I-- I'm sorry.
Right, but if I wanted him to switch,
485
00:22:07,049 --> 00:22:08,466
I would've just
asked him to switch.
486
00:22:08,466 --> 00:22:12,132
I didn't need you to step in
and Suge Knight the situation.
487
00:22:12,132 --> 00:22:15,174
I didn't hit him with an SUV.
I'm trying to help you with your problem.
488
00:22:15,174 --> 00:22:17,382
It's kinda not how
this works, Pete.
489
00:22:18,382 --> 00:22:19,507
Okay.
So...
490
00:22:19,507 --> 00:22:20,883
I just--
It's fine.
491
00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:22,549
I know. I'm sorry.
It's fine.
492
00:22:22,549 --> 00:22:24,424
(laughter)
493
00:22:24,424 --> 00:22:26,466
I was walking
on West 12th Street--
494
00:22:26,466 --> 00:22:28,257
I was downtown,
I was on West 12th Street,
495
00:22:28,257 --> 00:22:30,799
and I was downtown.
I was walking one afternoon. I was downtown.
496
00:22:30,799 --> 00:22:32,841
I'm walking towards this guy,
he's walking towards me,
497
00:22:32,841 --> 00:22:34,799
and we're downtown.
And as he walks past me,
498
00:22:34,799 --> 00:22:36,424
he's on his cell phone,
and I hear him say,
499
00:22:36,424 --> 00:22:38,507
"No, no, no,
I can't meet right now. I'm way uptown."
500
00:22:38,507 --> 00:22:40,549
And then he looked at me,
he winked, and he kept walking.
501
00:22:40,549 --> 00:22:43,049
The greatest person
I've ever met in my whole life.
502
00:22:43,049 --> 00:22:46,841
Greatest person I've ever--
he should be declared mayor of New York City.
503
00:22:46,841 --> 00:22:52,049
Automatic mayor,
even if he's had a sex scandal, which he probably has
504
00:22:52,049 --> 00:22:55,257
if that's how
he conducts himself on a day-to-day basis,
505
00:22:55,257 --> 00:22:59,965
if he's lying about
his whereabouts at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday
506
00:22:59,965 --> 00:23:04,633
while eye-high-fiving
random guys on the street. (laughter)
507
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,799
Man:
Please put your hands together for Ali Reissen, everybody!
508
00:23:07,799 --> 00:23:09,466
(cheering)
509
00:23:09,466 --> 00:23:12,299
How are you?
I'm wearing overalls. Take it in.
510
00:23:12,299 --> 00:23:16,132
(laughter)
I always feel, like-- when I wear overalls,
511
00:23:16,132 --> 00:23:18,591
I feel like
a hipster toddler.
512
00:23:18,591 --> 00:23:23,132
You know? "Mommy,
can we pwease listen to Chance da Wapper?"
513
00:23:23,132 --> 00:23:24,674
(laughs loudly)
(laughter)
514
00:23:24,674 --> 00:23:26,341
Do you guys
like impressions?
515
00:23:26,341 --> 00:23:28,007
(cheering)
Cool.
516
00:23:28,007 --> 00:23:33,132
This is Meryl Streep trying
to take a compliment.
517
00:23:33,132 --> 00:23:38,257
So it's... Meryl Streep,
she's really trying to take a compliment. Here we go.
518
00:23:39,215 --> 00:23:40,799
Here we go.
519
00:23:40,799 --> 00:23:45,299
Oh! Oh! No!
520
00:23:45,299 --> 00:23:47,716
No! No!
521
00:23:47,716 --> 00:23:49,841
No, no, no!
522
00:23:49,841 --> 00:23:53,758
You, you, you, you, you!
(laughing loudly)
523
00:23:53,758 --> 00:23:55,841
You, you, you!
524
00:23:55,841 --> 00:23:59,674
You, you, you, you! No!
Too good!
525
00:23:59,674 --> 00:24:02,674
You, you! You!
Pete: Too good!
526
00:24:02,674 --> 00:24:06,466
Too good!
You! You make the best guacamole!
527
00:24:06,466 --> 00:24:09,215
You!
(cheers, applause)
528
00:24:09,215 --> 00:24:10,633
Oh!
529
00:24:10,633 --> 00:24:12,633
♪ ♪
530
00:24:23,174 --> 00:24:24,758
(beeps)
531
00:24:24,758 --> 00:24:29,591
Ali (on video):
This is Meryl Streep trying to take a compliment.
532
00:24:29,591 --> 00:24:32,382
(Pete laughing
loudly on video) (audience laughs)
533
00:24:37,215 --> 00:24:38,924
Pete:
Too good!
534
00:24:39,883 --> 00:24:41,132
It's a good set.
535
00:24:41,132 --> 00:24:44,841
(Pete laughs loudly)
Ali (on video): No! No! No!
536
00:24:44,841 --> 00:24:46,174
Is that you?
537
00:24:46,174 --> 00:24:49,049
Ali (on video): No! No! No!
I-- I mean...
538
00:24:49,049 --> 00:24:51,507
Is that your laugh?
Pete (on video): Too good!
539
00:24:51,507 --> 00:24:53,883
Ali: Are you saying,
"Too good"? You, you, you!
540
00:24:53,883 --> 00:24:56,883
Yeah, I think that's--
that's me. I must've been right by the camera.
541
00:24:56,883 --> 00:24:59,341
Your laugh
just ruined my tape.
542
00:24:59,341 --> 00:25:00,507
Pete (on video):
Too good!
543
00:25:00,507 --> 00:25:02,382
Ali (on video):
You! You! (beeps)
544
00:25:02,382 --> 00:25:05,007
I-- I thought
laughing loud would help--
545
00:25:05,007 --> 00:25:06,716
would help to get
the crowd going.
546
00:25:06,716 --> 00:25:09,424
I-I--
Getting them going? What are you talking about?
547
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:13,007
They were amazing!
You can't even hear them, though, over you!
548
00:25:13,007 --> 00:25:15,257
I'm so sorry.
Oh my God.
549
00:25:15,257 --> 00:25:17,549
I--
Fucking sucks, man.
550
00:25:17,549 --> 00:25:20,257
That sucks.
That sucks.
551
00:25:20,257 --> 00:25:24,716
Sorry, but, you know,
we got Whiplash, we got another one.
552
00:25:24,716 --> 00:25:26,507
We'll get a good tape
from there. No.
553
00:25:26,507 --> 00:25:28,758
You still have a shot.
We still-- We can do this.
554
00:25:28,758 --> 00:25:30,299
Pete.
What?
555
00:25:31,424 --> 00:25:32,758
I think
we should call it.
556
00:25:33,965 --> 00:25:36,924
Okay, I--
I fucked up. I fucked up.
557
00:25:36,924 --> 00:25:39,257
Yeah.
And I just-- let me make it right.
558
00:25:39,257 --> 00:25:41,799
I'll set up the camera.
I'll set up the camera. I don't-- you're not--
559
00:25:41,799 --> 00:25:43,799
Pete, I appreciate
the sentiment.
560
00:25:43,799 --> 00:25:46,299
I don't need your help
in this pursuit.
561
00:25:46,299 --> 00:25:48,174
I just wanna get
my tape.
562
00:25:48,174 --> 00:25:50,924
I was so close,
and it's fucked,
563
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:52,257
and that sucks,
564
00:25:52,257 --> 00:25:53,883
so just let me
go do my thing.
565
00:25:53,883 --> 00:25:55,674
I won't laugh.
I'll laugh normal. I'll laugh like...
566
00:25:55,674 --> 00:25:58,215
(laughs)
These are fun, silly laughs. Pete--
567
00:25:58,215 --> 00:26:00,382
I hear what you're--
I hear what you're saying!
568
00:26:00,382 --> 00:26:01,924
I don't need your help
with Mulaney!
569
00:26:01,924 --> 00:26:04,299
I don't need
your help with my tape. I'm great on my own.
570
00:26:04,299 --> 00:26:06,883
I know I fucked up with Mulaney.
I'm so good, and I don't resent you.
571
00:26:06,883 --> 00:26:08,924
I'm fine!
572
00:26:21,799 --> 00:26:25,007
(brakes screech)
573
00:26:29,466 --> 00:26:30,716
(man sighs)
Come on.
574
00:26:30,716 --> 00:26:32,424
Conductor (on P.A.):
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
575
00:26:32,424 --> 00:26:34,132
there's maintenance
on the train ahead.
576
00:26:34,132 --> 00:26:38,007
We have a delay on the track,
and we should be moving again momentarily.
577
00:26:38,007 --> 00:26:39,341
(indistinct chatter)
578
00:26:43,507 --> 00:26:44,841
(mutters)
Shit.
579
00:26:58,883 --> 00:27:01,591
Hey.
Seriously?
580
00:27:01,591 --> 00:27:04,007
I know. Would it be okay
to help you right now?
581
00:27:04,007 --> 00:27:06,841
What?
The last stop was Union Square, right?
582
00:27:06,841 --> 00:27:08,341
This-- this is
almost 6th Avenue.
583
00:27:08,341 --> 00:27:09,841
That means we're
only a few blocks away.
584
00:27:09,841 --> 00:27:11,215
We're in the middle
of a tunnel.
585
00:27:11,215 --> 00:27:12,965
We're not. I can see
the station from here.
586
00:27:12,965 --> 00:27:16,382
Just forget it.
Please just go away. Look.
587
00:27:16,382 --> 00:27:17,716
Just go!
588
00:27:17,716 --> 00:27:19,132
You don't have
to like me.
589
00:27:19,132 --> 00:27:21,299
I get it. I understand.
Just let me help you
590
00:27:21,299 --> 00:27:22,758
and you never have
to see me again.
591
00:27:22,758 --> 00:27:25,716
I just wanna get you
to your show, okay?
592
00:27:25,716 --> 00:27:28,466
♪ ♪
593
00:27:28,466 --> 00:27:30,674
Let me...
let me fix this.
594
00:27:32,215 --> 00:27:33,674
Okay.
Yes, yes.
595
00:27:33,674 --> 00:27:35,382
Okay.
Just follow me. (mutters)
596
00:27:35,382 --> 00:27:36,716
(scoffs)
597
00:27:36,716 --> 00:27:39,049
♪ ♪
598
00:27:48,090 --> 00:27:50,716
Ali:
Ah! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
599
00:27:53,674 --> 00:27:57,341
What are you doing?
I saw this in John Wick 2.
600
00:27:57,341 --> 00:27:59,215
(grunts)
Oh my God.
601
00:28:00,299 --> 00:28:02,549
Ali:
Oh shit.
602
00:28:02,549 --> 00:28:04,549
(grunts)
603
00:28:04,549 --> 00:28:06,257
Whoa!
604
00:28:06,257 --> 00:28:09,758
(laughing)
605
00:28:11,424 --> 00:28:12,758
Ali:
Go, go, go, go, go!
606
00:28:16,090 --> 00:28:18,716
(man speaks indistinctly)
(audience laughs)
607
00:28:20,257 --> 00:28:24,341
All right, folks.
She's hilarious, and she's here.
608
00:28:24,341 --> 00:28:26,507
Ali Reissen, everybody!
609
00:28:26,507 --> 00:28:29,883
(cheers, applause)
610
00:28:29,883 --> 00:28:32,007
Sorry I'm late.
611
00:28:32,007 --> 00:28:34,924
Oh boy. I'm winded.
612
00:28:34,924 --> 00:28:37,965
(sighs, breathes hard)
Hey.
613
00:28:37,965 --> 00:28:40,466
How are you guys?
(cheering)
614
00:28:40,466 --> 00:28:44,049
Nice. Nice. I-I have
a roommate... still.
615
00:28:44,049 --> 00:28:47,549
Yeah. Anybody else
compromising their living situations?
616
00:28:47,549 --> 00:28:50,758
(applause)
Okay, yeah! She told me that she grew up
617
00:28:50,758 --> 00:28:53,591
believing that women
lose their virginity
618
00:28:53,591 --> 00:28:55,299
whenever their hymen breaks.
619
00:28:55,299 --> 00:28:57,382
And I'm like, "That's crazy.
Like, if that's the case,
620
00:28:57,382 --> 00:29:00,132
"I lost my virginity
when I was at gymnastics camp,
621
00:29:00,132 --> 00:29:02,924
when I was 11 years old,
and I slept with my coach."
622
00:29:02,924 --> 00:29:07,299
So I don't know--
was it very successful? (laughter)
623
00:29:09,883 --> 00:29:12,007
Do you guys
like impressions?
624
00:29:12,007 --> 00:29:13,883
♪ ♪
625
00:29:13,883 --> 00:29:17,965
♪ I can hold out ♪
626
00:29:18,841 --> 00:29:23,758
♪ My luck is bound to change ♪
627
00:29:23,758 --> 00:29:27,174
♪ One of these days ♪
628
00:29:27,174 --> 00:29:30,841
It's too good.
It's too good!
629
00:29:30,841 --> 00:29:31,883
Pete:
Don't.
630
00:29:31,883 --> 00:29:34,965
Too good!
No, no, no, no!
631
00:29:34,965 --> 00:29:38,132
♪ There's nothing upon me ♪
632
00:29:39,174 --> 00:29:41,674
♪ And I've got to... ♪
633
00:29:41,674 --> 00:29:45,174
It's laundry day.
(laughter)
634
00:29:45,174 --> 00:29:47,883
A lot of guys
will try to fight me,
635
00:29:47,883 --> 00:29:49,841
'cause I'm stealing
their jobs.
636
00:29:49,841 --> 00:29:52,549
A guy said, "I'm gonna
tear you a new asshole."
637
00:29:52,549 --> 00:29:53,841
(laughter)
638
00:29:53,841 --> 00:29:57,841
And I said, "I'm a robot.
I don't have an asshole.
639
00:29:59,257 --> 00:30:01,007
So maybe that
would be good."
640
00:30:02,466 --> 00:30:05,924
I think the Transformers
franchise is racist.
641
00:30:05,924 --> 00:30:09,382
(laughter)
642
00:30:09,382 --> 00:30:12,299
It's a bunch of my people,
ashamed of who they are,
643
00:30:12,299 --> 00:30:13,883
pretending
they're inanimate.
644
00:30:13,883 --> 00:30:15,424
And they're
always like, "Joe...
645
00:30:15,424 --> 00:30:18,007
we're just doing that
so humans aren't scared."
646
00:30:18,007 --> 00:30:20,382
And I'm like,
"Well, you should've thought of that
647
00:30:20,382 --> 00:30:22,257
"before you turned
into monsters
648
00:30:22,257 --> 00:30:25,049
"and destroyed
all those cities with your fistfights.
649
00:30:25,049 --> 00:30:27,716
(laughter)
"'Cause the secret's out.
650
00:30:30,549 --> 00:30:32,299
You don't have to be
a truck anymore."
651
00:30:32,299 --> 00:30:34,382
♪ ♪
(laughter)
652
00:30:36,382 --> 00:30:40,257
♪ There's nothing upon me ♪
653
00:30:45,924 --> 00:30:47,841
I got Rififi.
This is amazing!
654
00:30:47,841 --> 00:30:49,633
I might have put in
a little word.
655
00:30:49,633 --> 00:30:51,924
Ooh! I got a sugar mama.
656
00:30:51,924 --> 00:30:52,674
♪ Ooh ♪
657
00:30:53,132 --> 00:30:54,382
PETE HOLMES: Did you know
about Wayne? He's sick.
658
00:30:54,382 --> 00:30:56,758
We could just do a show
and give him the money.
659
00:30:56,758 --> 00:30:57,466
I'll headline.
660
00:30:57,758 --> 00:30:59,174
I know I'm gonna need
a benefit one day,
661
00:30:59,174 --> 00:31:00,257
so I'm putting out some karma.
662
00:31:00,466 --> 00:31:01,799
PETE:
We got a great show tonight!
663
00:31:01,799 --> 00:31:02,924
WAYNE: When am I going on?
664
00:31:02,924 --> 00:31:03,965
-Fourth.
-Cleanup!
665
00:31:03,965 --> 00:31:05,132
-Right?
-Like the Babe.
666
00:31:05,132 --> 00:31:07,466
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
667
00:31:07,466 --> 00:31:08,841
Yeah, I'm talking about
the baseball guy.
668
00:31:08,841 --> 00:31:10,132
-I know, I know.
-You sure?
669
00:31:10,132 --> 00:31:11,424
Yeah, yeah.
670
00:31:11,474 --> 00:31:16,024
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