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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,891 --> 00:00:07,592 2 00:00:07,627 --> 00:00:10,561 [mutters] 3 00:00:10,597 --> 00:00:13,664 [toilet flushes] 4 00:00:18,113 --> 00:00:19,809 - Artie. - [gasps] 5 00:00:19,825 --> 00:00:21,652 - Artie. - What the fuck, man? 6 00:00:21,685 --> 00:00:23,099 - What are you doing? - I'm sorry. 7 00:00:23,127 --> 00:00:26,293 You're a weirdo. What the fuck are you doing in my house? Come on! 8 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,697 I... I let myself in. I still have a key. 9 00:00:28,732 --> 00:00:32,021 You don't just let yourself in. This is my fucking house! 10 00:00:32,046 --> 00:00:33,435 You trying to give me a heart attack? 11 00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:35,737 - I'm sorry, man. I don't... - I live here. 12 00:00:35,772 --> 00:00:38,006 I don't have anywhere to go, Artie. 13 00:00:38,042 --> 00:00:41,309 It was either this or the Port Authority. 14 00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:43,344 But what are you doing here? Why are you here? 15 00:00:43,379 --> 00:00:45,346 I was fired, okay? 16 00:00:45,381 --> 00:00:46,881 - I was fired. - You were fired already? 17 00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:48,883 That's amazing. You got an edge to ya. 18 00:00:48,918 --> 00:00:50,517 What happened? How'd you get fired already? 19 00:00:50,553 --> 00:00:52,519 - I was doing warm-up for Rachael Ray. - Right. 20 00:00:52,555 --> 00:00:54,755 - I go out, regular crowd. - Yeah. 21 00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:57,224 - I'm cooking, I'm cooking. - You're cooking? 22 00:00:57,259 --> 00:01:00,626 There's an older woman, and I... I messed with her. 23 00:01:00,662 --> 00:01:02,863 - I did some blue material. - Right. 24 00:01:02,898 --> 00:01:05,332 - It was Rachael Ray's mom. - [laughs] 25 00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:08,235 You messed with Rachael Ray's mom? That sounds hilarious. 26 00:01:08,270 --> 00:01:09,669 And then they yelled at me, 27 00:01:09,704 --> 00:01:12,505 and I'm fired, and I don't have my job anymore, 28 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,373 and I'm back at your house. 29 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,941 All right. I got the rundown. 30 00:01:15,977 --> 00:01:18,177 Maybe give a man a heads up if the mother 31 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,882 of the star of the show is gonna be in the audience. 32 00:01:19,907 --> 00:01:20,882 Yeah, okay, okay. 33 00:01:20,907 --> 00:01:23,349 It's... it's on them. Listen, I got news for you. 34 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:26,385 I... I can't have this shit in my house, okay? I told you that. 35 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,854 - I'm gonna finish it. - Yeah, you're not gonna finish it. 36 00:01:28,890 --> 00:01:32,056 I'm taking this the fuck outta here. Artie, you can't have this. 37 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,758 It's Mike's Hard Lemonade. You're an alcoholic. 38 00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:36,189 Dude, I'm an alcoholic. I'm not Hannah Montana. 39 00:01:36,214 --> 00:01:37,929 What the fuck? I can handle it. 40 00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:40,999 Artie, Hannah Montana would drink Mike's Hard Lemonade, 41 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,834 because we've let her slip into Miley Cyrus. 42 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:46,170 - Right. - She used to be Hannah Montana. 43 00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,872 She used to be pure, she used to be golden light, 44 00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:50,640 and now she's out there licking poles 45 00:01:50,675 --> 00:01:54,278 and children at the Teen Choice Awards get a look right at her vagina. 46 00:01:54,313 --> 00:01:57,847 Yeah, you know, listen. Let's get to breakfast. We gotta sober you up. 47 00:01:57,883 --> 00:02:00,150 Tuh! I like to make money 48 00:02:00,185 --> 00:02:02,352 I don't understand why we're eating breakfast here. 49 00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:04,153 Why can't we eat breakfast in a strip club? 50 00:02:04,188 --> 00:02:05,888 That was... Oh, hi. 51 00:02:05,924 --> 00:02:08,891 Hey, sweetie. How you doing? Good to see ya. 52 00:02:08,927 --> 00:02:10,635 Where's that smile I ordered? 53 00:02:11,362 --> 00:02:13,262 There's an ass right by your head. 54 00:02:13,298 --> 00:02:14,740 Yeah, that's the point, you know. 55 00:02:15,366 --> 00:02:17,033 Well, look at it. Go ahead. 56 00:02:17,068 --> 00:02:18,767 57 00:02:18,803 --> 00:02:20,972 I don't see anything. I'm just seeing you. 58 00:02:21,305 --> 00:02:23,196 That is an odd choice, man... 59 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,273 Between me and a woman's ass, I mean. 60 00:02:25,309 --> 00:02:27,242 This isn't helping breakfast. 61 00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:29,510 Wow! It's such a surprise that your wife wanted 62 00:02:29,546 --> 00:02:32,613 the company of somebody else. Man! Do you talk like this around her? 63 00:02:32,649 --> 00:02:34,950 - I happen to be a very sexual person. - Oh yeah? 64 00:02:34,985 --> 00:02:37,685 I just don't flap it around like a dick in the wind. 65 00:02:38,331 --> 00:02:40,855 Is that your type? That's not your type? What is your type? 66 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,690 If I was in the privacy of my own home with this, 67 00:02:43,725 --> 00:02:46,451 I would have wonderful, consensual sex 68 00:02:46,476 --> 00:02:49,544 with this woman if we went out 12 to 14 times. 69 00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:51,335 You can have consensual sex with any of these women 70 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,579 as long as you give them, like, $400. 71 00:02:54,330 --> 00:02:57,770 What's really weird is I was supposed to be at a baptism today. 72 00:02:57,805 --> 00:02:59,038 Well, why would you want to go to a baptism? 73 00:02:59,074 --> 00:03:01,221 My roommate from college, his wife 74 00:03:01,246 --> 00:03:03,242 went through the whole thing. 75 00:03:03,278 --> 00:03:04,377 She's getting baptized today. 76 00:03:04,412 --> 00:03:06,612 Why do you still talk to your college roommate's wife? 77 00:03:06,647 --> 00:03:08,547 I don't talk to my sister anymore. 78 00:03:08,894 --> 00:03:11,184 - Sweetie, come here. How you doing? Hi. - Hi. 79 00:03:11,219 --> 00:03:13,818 - Hi. [laughs nervously] - Woman: Hi. 80 00:03:13,854 --> 00:03:15,553 - Artie: Come here. - Oh. 81 00:03:15,589 --> 00:03:17,422 We the winners, natural born sinners 82 00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:19,191 My buddy here is not that experienced. 83 00:03:19,226 --> 00:03:21,026 - Give him an education. You understand? - Okay. 84 00:03:21,061 --> 00:03:22,675 - Whatever... - Let's just leave it alone. 85 00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,162 Shut up. You're gonna love this. 86 00:03:24,198 --> 00:03:26,731 - Fine, but I'm doing this under protest. - What's to protest? 87 00:03:26,766 --> 00:03:28,433 - Hi. You have very strong hands. - Hi. 88 00:03:28,469 --> 00:03:30,368 You're dancing with a hot chick under protest. 89 00:03:30,403 --> 00:03:32,769 - I don't know what to do with you, man. - I don't know what to do. 90 00:03:32,805 --> 00:03:36,340 Clearly. Don't come back until you have hepatitis C. 91 00:03:36,376 --> 00:03:37,376 Okay. 92 00:03:38,111 --> 00:03:39,543 Go get 'em, buddy. 93 00:03:39,578 --> 00:03:41,045 [rock music playing] 94 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:44,778 We want... flesh 95 00:03:45,002 --> 00:03:47,134 - [giggles] Just sit down. - Sure. 96 00:03:47,159 --> 00:03:49,394 - It's like Jambi's house. - All right, sit down. 97 00:03:49,988 --> 00:03:52,822 It's not as soft as I thought it would be, 98 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:55,058 - but... lovely. - Open your legs. 99 00:03:55,058 --> 00:03:57,159 - Okay. - Flesh for fantasy 100 00:03:57,193 --> 00:03:58,725 Now, tell me what you like. 101 00:03:58,761 --> 00:04:02,696 [nervously] Oh. I like, uh... free WiFi... 102 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,564 Matt Damon. 103 00:04:04,976 --> 00:04:06,900 I love breakfast for dinner. 104 00:04:06,935 --> 00:04:08,989 Flesh for fantasy 105 00:04:09,021 --> 00:04:12,478 It's great. It's, um... it's a lot. 106 00:04:12,507 --> 00:04:15,308 - Just relax. - Hey. Um... 107 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,885 I didn't know there was, uh... 108 00:04:18,318 --> 00:04:20,212 This is... this is the lap part then. 109 00:04:20,247 --> 00:04:22,815 - Mm-hmm. - You're a very good dancer. 110 00:04:22,850 --> 00:04:24,149 Mmm. Do you like that? 111 00:04:24,185 --> 00:04:25,918 - Yeah. - Do you like to dance? 112 00:04:25,953 --> 00:04:27,953 - I... - Just relax, okay? Enjoy. 113 00:04:27,988 --> 00:04:30,416 - Yeah? - Okay. Yeah. Oh yeah. 114 00:04:30,441 --> 00:04:32,357 There's so many signs that say "no touching." 115 00:04:32,392 --> 00:04:33,689 Oh, that's okay. 116 00:04:34,673 --> 00:04:37,161 Your friend ordered... 117 00:04:37,197 --> 00:04:40,564 - Neighbor to neighbor, door to door - ...off menu. 118 00:04:40,599 --> 00:04:43,234 - What's your name? - My name's Peter. 119 00:04:43,269 --> 00:04:45,469 - Mmm. Pete. - Short for Pete. 120 00:04:45,504 --> 00:04:48,405 - [laughing] Okay. No, no, no. - Give it up, Pete. 121 00:04:48,441 --> 00:04:51,508 - Do you like that? - It's just I'm a ticklish boy. 122 00:04:51,544 --> 00:04:53,377 - Isn't this fun? You having fun? - Yeah. 123 00:04:53,412 --> 00:04:55,078 - Yeah? - [moans] 124 00:04:55,113 --> 00:04:57,747 - Pete. - Pete. I'm sorry. 125 00:04:57,782 --> 00:04:59,850 Sorry. Sorry. Hold on. 126 00:04:59,885 --> 00:05:03,386 - [music playing] - Sorry. This is... this is degrading. 127 00:05:04,789 --> 00:05:06,556 - Degrading? - Just... 128 00:05:06,591 --> 00:05:09,025 - For who? - For you. 129 00:05:09,061 --> 00:05:10,153 For me? 130 00:05:10,178 --> 00:05:13,428 You are... you're being degraded, right? 131 00:05:13,464 --> 00:05:16,402 - Excuse me? - You're grinding on me for... for cash. 132 00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:19,201 What the fuck do you do for a living? 133 00:05:19,237 --> 00:05:21,470 I'm a... I'm a stand-up. I do comedy. 134 00:05:21,505 --> 00:05:24,874 - Oh shit. A fucking comedian? - Yeah. 135 00:05:24,909 --> 00:05:27,976 Oh. Okay, so you-you... You stand up on stage 136 00:05:28,011 --> 00:05:31,045 at a bar and show your comedy titties to strangers, 137 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,348 - and that's okay? - It's my passion? 138 00:05:33,383 --> 00:05:36,117 No one's a fucking bigger degenerate than a comic! 139 00:05:36,152 --> 00:05:39,254 I used to date Jim Norton. He owes me fucking $4,000. 140 00:05:39,289 --> 00:05:41,155 - I... - He can't even afford to get 141 00:05:41,191 --> 00:05:43,391 his own parking spot in Manhattan. 142 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,225 - You got a parking spot? - No. 143 00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:48,528 I make $1,400 a night. How much do you make? 144 00:05:48,563 --> 00:05:50,964 - Uh... - What are you gonna do when you're 60? 145 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,433 Tell jokes at fucking Yuk Yuk's in Calgary? 146 00:05:53,468 --> 00:05:55,102 - What? - You think you're funny? 147 00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,703 You think you're funnier than Katt Williams? 148 00:05:56,738 --> 00:05:58,705 I don't do that kind of humor. I'm... 149 00:05:58,740 --> 00:06:01,974 Every motherfucker and their mother has a one-hour special. 150 00:06:02,010 --> 00:06:03,675 There's more demand, because people have 151 00:06:03,711 --> 00:06:05,278 an appreciation for the art form. 152 00:06:05,313 --> 00:06:07,942 [emphatically] It don't mean dick! 153 00:06:08,383 --> 00:06:10,082 Comedy died with Richard Pryor. 154 00:06:10,118 --> 00:06:13,219 You know what? I'm done talking to your ass. 155 00:06:13,254 --> 00:06:17,189 We got three more songs, and I don't wanna hear nothing else no more. 156 00:06:17,225 --> 00:06:19,457 - Okay. I'm sorry. - Three more songs. 157 00:06:19,492 --> 00:06:22,260 Spank it, you Jim Gaffigan rip-off! 158 00:06:22,296 --> 00:06:23,594 What? 159 00:06:24,266 --> 00:06:26,264 I'm gonna give you some balls before you leave here. 160 00:06:28,168 --> 00:06:29,901 Okay, that didn't feel good. 161 00:06:30,459 --> 00:06:31,592 See you later. 162 00:06:32,196 --> 00:06:33,429 Oh... God. 163 00:06:36,142 --> 00:06:37,207 Shit. 164 00:06:38,844 --> 00:06:40,311 So, where to now? 165 00:06:41,137 --> 00:06:43,514 I feel worse. You liked that? 166 00:06:43,549 --> 00:06:45,282 What are you talking about, "liked that"? Of course. 167 00:06:45,318 --> 00:06:48,218 - You don't like that? - It was depressing. She yelled at me. 168 00:06:48,254 --> 00:06:50,487 Where the fuck are you from? I mean, I can't believe it. 169 00:06:50,522 --> 00:06:52,556 You never been to a legs and eggs before. 170 00:06:52,591 --> 00:06:53,789 I'm a bad friend, Artie. 171 00:06:53,825 --> 00:06:55,724 I should be with my friend today. 172 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:59,295 - I should be at the baptism. - Fine! I'll go to the baptism with you. 173 00:07:00,731 --> 00:07:02,065 You want to go to a baptism? 174 00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,200 I'm a comedian. I work 45 minutes a night. 175 00:07:04,235 --> 00:07:05,935 I got tons of hours to kill during the day. 176 00:07:05,971 --> 00:07:06,985 - Hey, Artie. - Yeah, gimme the... 177 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,037 Hey! Jimmy Norton. 178 00:07:08,073 --> 00:07:09,272 - How you doing? - Good to see you, man. 179 00:07:09,307 --> 00:07:11,306 Good to see you, buddy. Are you going for the breakfast? 180 00:07:11,342 --> 00:07:13,117 It's the best time to come. Always come before noon. 181 00:07:13,142 --> 00:07:13,934 [Artie laughs] 182 00:07:13,959 --> 00:07:15,426 The girls need you more than you need them. 183 00:07:15,451 --> 00:07:17,312 You really fucking drive down prices before noon. 184 00:07:17,348 --> 00:07:18,947 Good news. We're on our way to a baptism. 185 00:07:18,983 --> 00:07:20,615 - Oh. Pray for me, will ya? - Artie: Of course. 186 00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,451 - Nice meeting you. - Nice to meet you. 187 00:07:24,254 --> 00:07:26,421 188 00:07:41,437 --> 00:07:43,137 Artie: Is there air conditioning under that tent? 189 00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:45,814 Pete: No, it's outside. It's like a wedding. 190 00:07:45,839 --> 00:07:47,918 Pay attention. You might get something out of it, you know? 191 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,210 - [people chattering] - I gotta pay attention? 192 00:07:50,245 --> 00:07:53,313 I'm beginning to feel like I'm on the opposing team's court. 193 00:07:56,351 --> 00:07:58,418 - - [people chattering] 194 00:07:58,453 --> 00:08:01,120 Thank you, Lord, for this... 195 00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:05,024 Dude, I'm freaking out. When do they bring out the Nikes and Kool-Aid? 196 00:08:05,059 --> 00:08:06,758 - After the service or before? - Hey. 197 00:08:06,793 --> 00:08:08,693 Pete: These are good people. They're loving people. 198 00:08:08,729 --> 00:08:11,463 They'll be very nice to you. Just try to blend in. 199 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,167 - Pete? Hey. - Hey, Skowie. 200 00:08:15,202 --> 00:08:17,336 What's up, man? I'm so glad you could make it. 201 00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:18,969 - Nice to see you. - You too. 202 00:08:19,005 --> 00:08:20,304 - Ellen, hi. - Hi. 203 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:21,739 - Nice to see you. - So good to see you. 204 00:08:21,774 --> 00:08:22,940 - Hi. - Hey, how you doing? Artie Lange. 205 00:08:22,975 --> 00:08:25,076 - How you doing? All right? Yeah, okay. - Nice to meet you. 206 00:08:25,111 --> 00:08:26,577 - Take care of yourself. - All right, take care. 207 00:08:26,612 --> 00:08:28,646 - Elf? - That's my friend Artie, yeah. 208 00:08:28,681 --> 00:08:30,881 - He's in Elf. We love that movie. - Yeah. 209 00:08:30,917 --> 00:08:33,684 - It's a great film. - Steve: We rent a movie every Friday. 210 00:08:33,719 --> 00:08:36,586 - We call it "movie night." - [both laugh] 211 00:08:36,621 --> 00:08:37,854 - [baby coos] - And who's this? 212 00:08:37,889 --> 00:08:40,290 - Can you say hi, Penny? - "Hi, Petey." 213 00:08:40,325 --> 00:08:42,025 - "I'm Penny." - Hey. Can I hold her? 214 00:08:42,061 --> 00:08:43,393 - Yeah. - Yeah, of course. Watch the head. 215 00:08:43,429 --> 00:08:45,395 - Oh my goodness. Uh-oh. - [Penny fusses] 216 00:08:45,431 --> 00:08:47,164 - Steve: Uh-oh. - I know. 217 00:08:47,199 --> 00:08:49,566 - Yeah. - It's time to be a baby 218 00:08:49,601 --> 00:08:51,835 - Holding baby - [both laugh] 219 00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:53,960 Just pull her dress down, Peter, in the back. 220 00:08:53,985 --> 00:08:54,849 Yeah. Hi. 221 00:08:54,874 --> 00:08:56,638 This is amazing. I'm so happy for you. 222 00:08:56,674 --> 00:08:58,474 Getting baptized. This is huge. 223 00:08:58,509 --> 00:08:59,908 It's been an eventful year. 224 00:08:59,944 --> 00:09:02,010 I just think this is a really good time to hit reset 225 00:09:02,046 --> 00:09:04,280 and just rededicate myself to the Lord. 226 00:09:04,965 --> 00:09:06,649 Steve: Wow. Okay. All right, just... 227 00:09:06,684 --> 00:09:08,617 Just behind... behind her head. You always want the butt. 228 00:09:08,652 --> 00:09:10,318 The butt and the head. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. 229 00:09:10,353 --> 00:09:12,053 Steve: Okay, all right, Peter. Okay, look at that. 230 00:09:12,089 --> 00:09:13,388 - Okay, we'll take her back. - Yeah. 231 00:09:13,423 --> 00:09:15,056 - Okay. Thank you. - Okay. All right. 232 00:09:15,092 --> 00:09:16,791 - My God. My God. Okay. - Steve: There we go. 233 00:09:16,826 --> 00:09:18,926 - Okay, sorry. - There he is. Peter. 234 00:09:18,962 --> 00:09:20,661 - Speaking of. Nice to see you. - Good to see you. 235 00:09:20,697 --> 00:09:23,298 - Nice to see you, Steven, Ellen. - Hi, Pastor. 236 00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:25,266 - Thanks so much. I'm so excited. - Big day today. 237 00:09:25,302 --> 00:09:28,168 - I hope that's not a new dress. - [laughter] 238 00:09:28,204 --> 00:09:29,536 - Now that is a comedian. - He's so funny. 239 00:09:29,572 --> 00:09:31,671 - Pete, we should catch up. - I would love to. 240 00:09:31,707 --> 00:09:33,707 - You wanna...? - Yeah, let's walk over to our office. 241 00:09:33,742 --> 00:09:35,175 Yeah, sure, great. 242 00:09:35,211 --> 00:09:36,843 - [crying] - "Bye, Peter. Bye, Pastor." 243 00:09:36,878 --> 00:09:40,114 - Bye, Penny. See ya, Skowie. - Ellen: Thanks again for coming. 244 00:09:41,383 --> 00:09:43,161 So, what's up? How are you? 245 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:46,752 - I'm... I'm fine. I'm... I'm good. - You sure? 246 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,823 Yeah. I'm good. Why? 247 00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,660 Just, you know, you hear things. 248 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,095 I don't know what people have been saying, but... 249 00:09:56,131 --> 00:09:58,464 Hey, that's... that's fine. We don't have to talk about it. 250 00:09:58,877 --> 00:10:02,634 I just wanted to bring you in and offer you some support, 251 00:10:03,066 --> 00:10:05,870 and I'd love to lift you up in prayer, if that's okay. 252 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:09,441 Yeah, of course. That... that would be great. 253 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:10,542 Great. So... 254 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,288 Heavenly Father, 255 00:10:14,538 --> 00:10:17,181 we want to thank you for this glorious day 256 00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:19,883 and this opportunity to sit down with our brother Peter 257 00:10:19,918 --> 00:10:24,622 and help him through this trying and wicked, debaucherous time. 258 00:10:24,657 --> 00:10:28,392 You are with us... especially when we need you the most. 259 00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:31,428 - Yes, Lord. - And as Pete has lowered himself 260 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,830 to begging on the streets of Manhattan... 261 00:10:34,766 --> 00:10:36,832 pleading with strangers for money, 262 00:10:36,868 --> 00:10:39,302 - for food, Lord, we ask... Yes? - Sorry. 263 00:10:40,238 --> 00:10:42,905 I... I'm not begging on the streets. 264 00:10:42,940 --> 00:10:44,874 - That... that's not... - Julie Chaney said she saw you 265 00:10:44,909 --> 00:10:46,543 panhandling in the West Village. 266 00:10:46,578 --> 00:10:48,478 You were wearing ragged clothes, and... 267 00:10:48,513 --> 00:10:50,112 - No. No, no, no. - It was very sad. 268 00:10:50,148 --> 00:10:52,914 I... I'm doing stand-up. I'm handing out flyers. 269 00:10:53,581 --> 00:10:54,749 - Okay. - So, I'm not... 270 00:10:55,886 --> 00:10:59,054 Dear God, we ask that you forgive Peter 271 00:10:59,089 --> 00:11:03,625 for sins, for laws he may have broken, 272 00:11:03,661 --> 00:11:05,760 especially laws involving arson, 273 00:11:05,796 --> 00:11:07,862 also the laws that don't involve arson. 274 00:11:07,898 --> 00:11:10,364 - Okay, no. I'm so sorry. - And we... 275 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,934 Again, I haven't broken any laws. 276 00:11:13,969 --> 00:11:16,770 Okay, Adam Johnson, he reads the police blotter, 277 00:11:16,806 --> 00:11:19,407 and he told me that there was a fire at your house, 278 00:11:19,442 --> 00:11:21,542 and you fled the scene. You burnt down a garage. 279 00:11:21,578 --> 00:11:25,679 I didn't... Okay, no. That's... That's another misunderstanding. 280 00:11:25,714 --> 00:11:28,014 There... there wa... I had a garage sale, 281 00:11:28,049 --> 00:11:29,816 Jess and I, and there was a fire, 282 00:11:29,851 --> 00:11:32,068 but I didn't flee the scene. I left with some things... 283 00:11:32,093 --> 00:11:32,952 Okay. 284 00:11:32,987 --> 00:11:35,655 ...and the fire was extinguished. 285 00:11:35,691 --> 00:11:36,989 Are you doing drugs? 286 00:11:37,025 --> 00:11:39,125 Am I... No, I'm not doing drugs. 287 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,894 Okay, Stacey Chase said she saw you tweet 288 00:11:41,930 --> 00:11:45,598 about having the munchies. Hashtag-FlamingHotCheetos. 289 00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:47,032 I smoked some pot, yeah. 290 00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:48,500 Can we... I wanna get back out, so... 291 00:11:48,536 --> 00:11:50,469 - Okay, let's just finish this up then. - Yeah. 292 00:11:50,504 --> 00:11:52,705 - All right? Lord... - Yeah. 293 00:11:53,541 --> 00:11:56,007 Pete's marriage has fallen apart. 294 00:11:56,043 --> 00:11:59,310 - Yes, Father. - And we know it's because 295 00:11:59,346 --> 00:12:01,779 Jess had an affair. 296 00:12:03,717 --> 00:12:05,816 Oh, sorry, I thought you were gonna stop me again. 297 00:12:05,852 --> 00:12:07,285 That one's correct, yes. 298 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,671 Lord, forgive Peter for 299 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:12,180 forcing his wife into the arms of another man. 300 00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:16,227 Is it true that you walked in on her with two men? 301 00:12:17,429 --> 00:12:19,829 - No. - Kevin Sparks has a porn addiction 302 00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,465 that he's dealing with, and he said he saw 303 00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,333 a video of you two on a cuckolding website. 304 00:12:24,136 --> 00:12:25,502 - That wasn't us. - That wasn't you. 305 00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:28,204 Can you wrap it up? Amen. 306 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,619 I... I have to say it. Amen. 307 00:12:31,109 --> 00:12:32,462 You know, Jess is here today. 308 00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:34,744 - She is? - Yeah. She's here. 309 00:12:35,813 --> 00:12:38,648 - [people chattering] - [laughs] 310 00:12:38,683 --> 00:12:42,418 - - [kids shouting] 311 00:12:51,762 --> 00:12:53,227 - How you doing? - Hey. 312 00:12:53,263 --> 00:12:55,664 - Having a good time? - Yeah. How about you? 313 00:12:55,699 --> 00:12:58,132 Are you kidding? Look at me. I'm Christian mingling. 314 00:12:58,168 --> 00:13:00,368 - I'm Artie, by the way. - Stephanie. Hi. 315 00:13:00,404 --> 00:13:01,697 Nice to meet ya. 316 00:13:03,973 --> 00:13:06,174 You with anybody or hanging out? 317 00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,175 Oh, just hanging out. 318 00:13:10,045 --> 00:13:13,280 Hey, uh... how does this work? 319 00:13:13,316 --> 00:13:15,616 I thought they only baptized babies. 320 00:13:15,651 --> 00:13:17,918 - Well, I mean, some churches do. - Yeah. 321 00:13:17,953 --> 00:13:20,354 We prefer it when people can make their own big decisions, 322 00:13:20,389 --> 00:13:22,222 - so we do it with adults... - Uh-huh. Oh yeah. 323 00:13:22,257 --> 00:13:25,057 ...kind of like John the Baptist with Jesus. 324 00:13:25,092 --> 00:13:26,959 Oh. Oh, right. Okay. 325 00:13:26,994 --> 00:13:28,294 Good guy, John the Baptist. 326 00:13:28,330 --> 00:13:31,793 Not a lot of career options with that name, John the Baptist. 327 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,134 It's like my cousin, Joe the Foot. 328 00:13:35,716 --> 00:13:36,770 He's a foot? 329 00:13:36,805 --> 00:13:38,538 - He's got one foot. - Oh. 330 00:13:39,741 --> 00:13:41,273 I'm gonna go sit down. See you. 331 00:13:41,309 --> 00:13:43,642 So, I'll see you later then for sure, right? All right. 332 00:13:45,379 --> 00:13:47,312 This is free, I hope. Right? 333 00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:50,615 - - [people chattering] 334 00:13:50,651 --> 00:13:53,819 - Hey. Hi. - Oh, my God. Pete. 335 00:13:53,854 --> 00:13:56,888 Sorry, I... I wasn't expecting to see you. 336 00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:59,156 - Well... - I thought you weren't going to church. 337 00:13:59,191 --> 00:14:01,024 Well, no, I'm here to support Ellen. 338 00:14:01,894 --> 00:14:02,960 - Ellen? - Yeah. 339 00:14:02,995 --> 00:14:04,094 I thought you hated Ellen. 340 00:14:04,129 --> 00:14:07,531 I mean, I kinda do, but she invited me, so... 341 00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:09,400 I'm here for Steve. 342 00:14:11,245 --> 00:14:14,638 - Where's Leif? - Oh, he's not here. He's... 343 00:14:15,874 --> 00:14:18,033 - It's... - What? 344 00:14:19,110 --> 00:14:20,209 It's over. 345 00:14:22,347 --> 00:14:24,180 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 346 00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:26,483 I thought it was this whole other thing, 347 00:14:26,518 --> 00:14:28,951 and then he said he was leaving his wife, 348 00:14:28,987 --> 00:14:31,588 but he was still with her, so... 349 00:14:31,623 --> 00:14:34,289 Are they... Are they still together? 350 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,259 One assumes. 351 00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:37,693 I'm so sorry. 352 00:14:37,728 --> 00:14:40,195 Then she called and threatened me, so she has my number, 353 00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:42,431 which has been really fun. 354 00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:43,532 Wow. 355 00:14:45,202 --> 00:14:48,185 I've spent a lot of the past week... 356 00:14:48,806 --> 00:14:50,912 fantasizing about you guys breaking up, 357 00:14:50,937 --> 00:14:53,097 but now I just feel terrible for you. 358 00:14:54,511 --> 00:14:56,944 That's weird. I was so worried about you this whole time, 359 00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:59,131 and it seems like you're doing better than all of us. 360 00:14:59,783 --> 00:15:02,583 [scoffs] I don't know. 361 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,095 It's... 362 00:15:05,522 --> 00:15:07,621 not exactly what I thought out there, you know? 363 00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:08,855 - Really? - I don't... 364 00:15:08,891 --> 00:15:11,057 Pastor: Hello, everyone! Good afternoon. 365 00:15:11,092 --> 00:15:12,992 Before we begin today's journey, 366 00:15:13,028 --> 00:15:16,129 I want to invite all of you to a game of TAG. 367 00:15:16,164 --> 00:15:18,598 - [softly] He still does this? - And no, I don't mean 368 00:15:18,634 --> 00:15:20,467 we're gonna run around and chase each other. 369 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,602 - [people laugh] - Laughs every time. 370 00:15:22,638 --> 00:15:26,405 No, I mean some T-A-G, "Time Alone with God." 371 00:15:26,441 --> 00:15:29,007 Let's take advantage of these beautiful grounds. 372 00:15:29,043 --> 00:15:31,310 I want everyone to take a walk 373 00:15:31,345 --> 00:15:33,078 and clear your minds, 374 00:15:33,113 --> 00:15:35,567 open your hearts to what's about to happen. 375 00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:37,983 So, I'll see you all in a few minutes 376 00:15:38,018 --> 00:15:40,452 Please return at the sound of the triangle. 377 00:15:40,487 --> 00:15:42,520 [chimes] 378 00:15:42,556 --> 00:15:44,255 [people chattering] 379 00:15:44,290 --> 00:15:45,690 - Jess... - Pete, listen, 380 00:15:45,725 --> 00:15:48,460 Could, uh, could we do this whole "walk in the woods" thing together? 381 00:15:48,495 --> 00:15:50,695 I... I don't wanna be alone with God, you know? 382 00:15:50,730 --> 00:15:53,565 It gets in my head, and then I go to a bad place. 383 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,882 - Hold on, Artie. - I-I... uh... 384 00:15:55,702 --> 00:15:59,369 [sighs] Yeah. I... I need to smoke. I need a smoke. 385 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,841 Jess. Hey. 386 00:16:05,410 --> 00:16:07,678 Do you, uh, do you mind if I walk with you? 387 00:16:09,014 --> 00:16:10,447 Time alone with God, right? 388 00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:12,616 Feels familiar. 389 00:16:13,486 --> 00:16:14,984 Yeah, I feel like a tourist. 390 00:16:15,019 --> 00:16:18,120 Like, this used to be our life, you know. 391 00:16:19,491 --> 00:16:21,957 I'm sorry, I feel like I need to do this alone. 392 00:16:22,393 --> 00:16:23,339 Oh. So... I'm sorry. 393 00:16:23,364 --> 00:16:25,269 No, I just... I have a lot to think about. 394 00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:29,031 You know, being back here and seeing all these people 395 00:16:29,498 --> 00:16:33,301 just reminds me of what I used to have and what I want. 396 00:16:34,371 --> 00:16:35,470 I don't know. 397 00:16:36,607 --> 00:16:38,172 Excuse me. Okay. 398 00:16:39,175 --> 00:16:41,476 399 00:16:41,512 --> 00:16:44,379 [birds chirping] 400 00:16:47,350 --> 00:16:49,517 Hey. How you doing? 401 00:16:49,552 --> 00:16:51,318 - Hey. - Hey, uh... 402 00:16:51,353 --> 00:16:54,388 you mind if I bum one of those? Yeah, thanks. 403 00:16:54,423 --> 00:16:57,157 Not a big woods guy, so thank you. 404 00:16:57,192 --> 00:16:58,726 These things are valuable here. 405 00:17:00,129 --> 00:17:01,194 [lighter flicks] 406 00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:02,262 Ah. 407 00:17:03,298 --> 00:17:04,498 Thank you. 408 00:17:06,768 --> 00:17:08,267 Oh, that feels good. 409 00:17:08,302 --> 00:17:10,081 The cigarette after lunch is like 410 00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:12,030 one of the 40 best cigarettes of the day. 411 00:17:15,944 --> 00:17:18,210 - Can I ask you something? - Sure. 412 00:17:19,648 --> 00:17:22,015 Come on. Time alone with God? 413 00:17:22,050 --> 00:17:25,116 - Come on. Come on. - That's your question? 414 00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,854 I don't know. Staring into leaves and shit, 415 00:17:27,888 --> 00:17:29,788 all this spirituality. I mean... 416 00:17:29,823 --> 00:17:31,857 You want to know how I'm buying into all this? 417 00:17:31,892 --> 00:17:33,358 You seem like a reasonable person. 418 00:17:33,393 --> 00:17:34,927 You seem rational, right. You... 419 00:17:34,962 --> 00:17:37,763 Yeah, I wanna know if it's real or if it's bullshit, 420 00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:40,130 because if it's real, I gotta talk to ya. 421 00:17:40,166 --> 00:17:43,267 I don't know. I need more details. I just do. 422 00:17:45,304 --> 00:17:51,809 [loudly] Early in the morning 423 00:17:51,844 --> 00:17:54,937 My soul 424 00:17:55,347 --> 00:17:57,881 Will rise 425 00:17:57,916 --> 00:18:01,084 To thee 426 00:18:02,487 --> 00:18:08,424 Only Thou art holy 427 00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:14,897 Lord God almighty 428 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,833 God 429 00:18:17,868 --> 00:18:23,017 In three persons 430 00:18:23,608 --> 00:18:28,510 - Blessed trees - Jess: Leave me alone! 431 00:18:28,937 --> 00:18:31,747 - Hey! - Jess: Just get out of here! 432 00:18:31,781 --> 00:18:33,748 - Get away from me! Stop it! - Hey! 433 00:18:33,783 --> 00:18:35,382 - You're scaring me! - Jess! 434 00:18:35,418 --> 00:18:37,085 - [grunts] Oh God. - [yelps] 435 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,587 - Huh? - What? Leif? 436 00:18:39,623 --> 00:18:42,156 - What are you doing here? - I can't believe you followed me here. 437 00:18:42,191 --> 00:18:43,557 You're not answering my calls, Jess. 438 00:18:43,593 --> 00:18:46,127 Of course I'm not answering your calls. I don't want to talk to you. 439 00:18:46,162 --> 00:18:47,794 I had to follow you to talk to you. 440 00:18:47,830 --> 00:18:50,163 - What is he doing here? - This is our church. 441 00:18:50,198 --> 00:18:51,999 We're members. We belong here. 442 00:18:52,034 --> 00:18:54,234 Okay. Fine. I understand that. 443 00:18:54,269 --> 00:18:56,369 - Peter, Jess... - Ow. 444 00:18:56,404 --> 00:18:59,272 I have to say I'm so, so sorry. 445 00:18:59,307 --> 00:19:01,742 I made a huge mistake. I came here to tell you 446 00:19:01,777 --> 00:19:04,710 - that I talked to my wife. - You said it was done before. 447 00:19:04,746 --> 00:19:08,047 I'm so sorry it took so long, but she is a scary human being. 448 00:19:08,082 --> 00:19:09,915 She would grab me, be physical with me, 449 00:19:09,951 --> 00:19:11,684 and toss me around, and I had to take it. 450 00:19:11,719 --> 00:19:14,820 I don't know what abuse is, but I'm pretty sure she abused me. 451 00:19:14,856 --> 00:19:16,756 I met his wife. She wasn't that scary. 452 00:19:16,791 --> 00:19:18,758 You're a fucking hippie douche bag. 453 00:19:18,793 --> 00:19:20,660 What were the last seven months, Jess? 454 00:19:20,695 --> 00:19:22,661 This started seven months ago? 455 00:19:22,696 --> 00:19:24,595 It wasn't serious for that long. 456 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:27,135 Oh, just casual adultery? 457 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,480 You're in the program, right? 458 00:19:29,505 --> 00:19:31,402 What makes you think I'm in the program? 459 00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:33,672 - Well, I'm looking at your face. - Oh! 460 00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:35,540 You look like you snorted the Big Book. 461 00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,341 Oh! Thank you, sweetie. 462 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,476 I run into Don Rickles in the woods. 463 00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,712 - Are you in the program? - Yeah. 464 00:19:41,747 --> 00:19:43,280 It's not helping me, obviously, 465 00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,683 and clearly something's helped you. 466 00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:49,437 I... I'm looking for something, but I can't buy into this. 467 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,355 I mean, come on, you know about the higher power. 468 00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:54,217 That's the one part I could never buy into. 469 00:19:54,242 --> 00:19:55,142 Why not? 470 00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:56,726 Because what is... That's so vague. 471 00:19:56,761 --> 00:19:58,194 Higher power? What does that mean? 472 00:19:58,229 --> 00:20:01,130 - It's the easiest part. - So, what is it? Be specific. 473 00:20:01,166 --> 00:20:03,166 It's about letting go and not holding onto something. 474 00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:05,156 - It's just letting go. - Letting go of what? 475 00:20:05,181 --> 00:20:07,904 I mean, I don't know. Like, look around. 476 00:20:07,939 --> 00:20:10,339 Who made all this? You think that just happened? 477 00:20:10,374 --> 00:20:12,575 That's the best argument, I guess. 478 00:20:12,610 --> 00:20:15,911 I don't know, but to me, we could be on the set of Jurassic Park. 479 00:20:15,946 --> 00:20:17,679 - [chuckles] You know? - And that would be cool? 480 00:20:17,715 --> 00:20:20,315 Yeah, but it wouldn't be God. [laughs] 481 00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:22,918 It would be, you know, teamsters and a couple of guys 482 00:20:22,953 --> 00:20:24,953 in the Carpenter's Union who Spielberg knows. 483 00:20:24,988 --> 00:20:27,322 My point is, there's an explanation for everything. 484 00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:30,859 - This could be man-made. - It's not. 485 00:20:30,893 --> 00:20:33,514 Oh. Convince me. 486 00:20:34,003 --> 00:20:36,938 I need a real relationship! You're off on another planet. 487 00:20:36,966 --> 00:20:37,965 Explain our love. 488 00:20:37,990 --> 00:20:40,667 I was in a trance and now I'm out of it. 489 00:20:40,703 --> 00:20:43,470 We just had good sex together, and that was confusing to me, 490 00:20:43,505 --> 00:20:44,872 'cause I'd never had an orgasm before, 491 00:20:44,907 --> 00:20:46,607 and that's what was really messing with my mind. 492 00:20:46,642 --> 00:20:47,807 But it was just an orgasm! 493 00:20:47,843 --> 00:20:49,508 Our 11-hour sessions 494 00:20:49,544 --> 00:20:51,853 are one of the deepest, most ritualistic 495 00:20:51,878 --> 00:20:53,880 experiences of love I've ever had, 496 00:20:53,915 --> 00:20:55,414 and I need that with you, forever. 497 00:20:55,450 --> 00:20:57,884 My friends think I'm like a wicked fucking idiot 498 00:20:57,919 --> 00:21:00,186 who had sex with the hand-turkey guy! 499 00:21:00,222 --> 00:21:02,155 You're not even a real artist, okay? 500 00:21:02,190 --> 00:21:04,522 - I'm an idiot for fucking you! - [mutters] Thank you. 501 00:21:04,558 --> 00:21:07,993 That all hurts, and I thank you 502 00:21:08,028 --> 00:21:09,928 for having the courage to give it to me, 503 00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:11,897 but whatever person you need me to become, 504 00:21:11,932 --> 00:21:14,633 - I will become that. - I don't want you to become that. 505 00:21:14,668 --> 00:21:18,503 - I want you to be that! - I will be that after I become it! 506 00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,072 It's over, okay? 507 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,866 Jess, we can't end an argument negatively. 508 00:21:24,677 --> 00:21:27,912 [scoffs] What, is she... Is she always like that? 509 00:21:27,947 --> 00:21:30,648 - What do you want me to say? - Give me the courage. 510 00:21:33,052 --> 00:21:35,686 It's like quantum physics, right? Like string theory. 511 00:21:35,721 --> 00:21:38,621 - Yeah? - You ever notice how the further down 512 00:21:38,657 --> 00:21:41,792 you get into the sub-sub- subatomic particles 513 00:21:41,827 --> 00:21:44,627 the more mystery there is, the less we understand? 514 00:21:44,663 --> 00:21:48,799 I don't get it on the most just basic and most surface of levels. 515 00:21:49,449 --> 00:21:51,802 What I'm saying is that it's all the same thing. 516 00:21:51,837 --> 00:21:54,671 Science and religion and all of that, 517 00:21:54,706 --> 00:21:57,173 it's all the same. It's just us trying to understand it all. 518 00:21:57,208 --> 00:21:59,108 Science is trying to photograph it, 519 00:21:59,143 --> 00:22:00,976 and people go to church to try to feel it. 520 00:22:01,012 --> 00:22:02,718 Honestly, I'm trying to pretend that I 521 00:22:02,743 --> 00:22:04,513 understand what you're talking about, 522 00:22:04,548 --> 00:22:08,083 but in high school, I thought the blue part of the globe was the sky, 523 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:11,386 so I'm not deep. I don't understand what the hell you're talking about. 524 00:22:11,422 --> 00:22:15,156 I know that it's hard to not have anything to believe in, 525 00:22:15,192 --> 00:22:17,394 - but it's easier if you try. - Uh. Eh. 526 00:22:19,162 --> 00:22:22,463 I... I guess, but, look, I've done a lot of bad things. 527 00:22:22,498 --> 00:22:24,365 I've probably done a lot worse than you. 528 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,035 Oh, come on. Now, you know, I'm calling the bullshit. 529 00:22:27,070 --> 00:22:28,502 What did you do? 530 00:22:28,538 --> 00:22:31,004 That's not a first-time-we-meet conversation. 531 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,740 Well, maybe it's a second-time-we-meet conversation. 532 00:22:35,144 --> 00:22:37,377 Well, you know, I... I'll try it. 533 00:22:37,412 --> 00:22:39,512 - I'll give it a shot. - Okay. 534 00:22:39,548 --> 00:22:41,980 - You believe me? - Yeah, I believe you. 535 00:22:42,005 --> 00:22:43,650 That's where girls go wrong. 536 00:22:43,685 --> 00:22:45,385 [triangle chiming] 537 00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:46,886 - Come on. - Oh. All right. 538 00:22:46,921 --> 00:22:49,755 [flute playing] 539 00:22:54,195 --> 00:22:57,696 Christ of my own heart 540 00:22:57,732 --> 00:23:02,568 Whatever befall 541 00:23:02,603 --> 00:23:06,371 Still be my vision 542 00:23:06,406 --> 00:23:11,943 Oh, ruler of all 543 00:23:11,979 --> 00:23:14,779 [applause] 544 00:23:14,814 --> 00:23:16,447 Pastor: Wasn't that lovely? 545 00:23:16,483 --> 00:23:19,550 You'll notice there are no babies being baptized today, 546 00:23:19,952 --> 00:23:23,087 - that's it's not just for water safety. - [laughter] 547 00:23:23,122 --> 00:23:26,156 Pastor: It's because we practice a believer's baptism. 548 00:23:26,192 --> 00:23:28,310 And unlike, say, the Catholics, who are 549 00:23:28,335 --> 00:23:30,428 sprinklin babies all Willy-nilly... 550 00:23:30,462 --> 00:23:33,230 - [laughter] - ...we have a three-week course. 551 00:23:33,266 --> 00:23:35,132 So, Glen. 552 00:23:39,371 --> 00:23:42,105 553 00:23:46,244 --> 00:23:47,710 [whispers] You need to leave Jess alone. 554 00:23:47,745 --> 00:23:49,678 [whispers] Do not interfere in our destiny, Peter. 555 00:23:49,714 --> 00:23:52,581 Do you pledge your life to the service and love of Christ? 556 00:23:52,617 --> 00:23:54,616 [exhales] I do. 557 00:23:57,955 --> 00:23:59,955 - [laughs] - Welcome home, brother. 558 00:23:59,990 --> 00:24:01,256 - [applause] - Oh yeah! 559 00:24:01,292 --> 00:24:04,592 [whooping] Praise Jesus! 560 00:24:04,628 --> 00:24:06,428 Glen: Yee-haw-yoo! 561 00:24:07,731 --> 00:24:10,565 Pastor: We all need forgiveness. We all need redemption. 562 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,134 We all need to come home, right? 563 00:24:13,169 --> 00:24:14,868 That's what this is about. 564 00:24:15,471 --> 00:24:17,638 All of us stray from the path sometimes. 565 00:24:17,673 --> 00:24:20,174 [whispers] Your wife tried to Shania Twain me, by the way. 566 00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:21,976 - [pastor continues speaking] - What does that mean? 567 00:24:22,011 --> 00:24:23,991 It means she tried to fuck me. 568 00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:27,619 Just like the church, we represent God, 569 00:24:28,388 --> 00:24:30,129 welcoming you home. 570 00:24:31,353 --> 00:24:32,919 Sure, you've made some mistakes, 571 00:24:33,391 --> 00:24:35,189 you've done some things you're not proud of, 572 00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,857 you made some choices that you regret. 573 00:24:38,827 --> 00:24:40,073 Church is still here. 574 00:24:40,664 --> 00:24:43,463 God forgives you. All you have to do is ask. 575 00:24:43,498 --> 00:24:44,964 Isn't that good news? 576 00:24:46,167 --> 00:24:48,800 - Ellen. - Let's do this. 577 00:24:48,836 --> 00:24:50,802 - You ready to come home? - Wait! 578 00:24:50,838 --> 00:24:53,905 - Ellen: Wait what? - Jess! Jess! 579 00:24:53,941 --> 00:24:56,442 - I need this! - No, unacceptable. I'm next. I'm second. 580 00:24:56,477 --> 00:24:58,444 - Pastor: Jessica, this is not okay. - I need this, Pastor. 581 00:24:58,479 --> 00:25:00,645 - Ellen: Jessica, come on! - Please, please, let me do this. 582 00:25:00,681 --> 00:25:03,181 - Jessica, what are you doing? - Please, let me come home. 583 00:25:03,216 --> 00:25:05,049 - Please. - This is a ceremony. 584 00:25:05,085 --> 00:25:06,617 These people took a three-week course. 585 00:25:06,652 --> 00:25:08,186 Monday and Tuesday, 9:00 to 4:00. 586 00:25:08,221 --> 00:25:10,321 But you know I know all the basics. Just let me do it. 587 00:25:10,357 --> 00:25:11,356 - You've already been baptized. - I know, 588 00:25:11,391 --> 00:25:13,657 but I've strayed too far. I need to come home. 589 00:25:13,693 --> 00:25:15,794 Okay, Jessica, I don't think that you are 590 00:25:15,819 --> 00:25:17,895 in the right place for this, personally. 591 00:25:17,930 --> 00:25:19,796 - Get her outta there! - Shut up, Ellen! 592 00:25:19,831 --> 00:25:22,866 - You shut up! - Just dunk me and let me be risen! 593 00:25:23,935 --> 00:25:26,436 Jessica, we are all aware in this congregation 594 00:25:26,472 --> 00:25:28,267 that you've been unfaithful to Pete. 595 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,574 - You cheated on him with an art teacher. - [people gasp] 596 00:25:31,610 --> 00:25:33,943 - Jess! Sweetheart! - Pete: Hey. Don't do it. 597 00:25:33,979 --> 00:25:35,212 That's bullshit! 598 00:25:35,247 --> 00:25:37,613 Baby, you don't need God. You just need me. 599 00:25:37,648 --> 00:25:39,882 - Pastor: Sir. - What are you doing? 600 00:25:39,917 --> 00:25:42,584 This is very inappropriate. You need to get out of the pool. 601 00:25:42,620 --> 00:25:45,021 I can't. Sweetheart, I love you so much. 602 00:25:45,551 --> 00:25:47,689 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry! 603 00:25:47,725 --> 00:25:50,459 I get this, though. This is a cool ceremony. 604 00:25:50,495 --> 00:25:54,295 Congratulations. Jess! I love you, 605 00:25:54,331 --> 00:25:56,797 I need you, and I want us to just go home. 606 00:25:56,833 --> 00:25:58,633 That's what I want. I want to go home. 607 00:25:58,668 --> 00:26:02,337 You don't need God. You're God, and I'm God. 608 00:26:02,372 --> 00:26:04,305 God is love, and together, we make God. 609 00:26:04,341 --> 00:26:07,175 Let's go home and make some God. We can do it as God. 610 00:26:07,210 --> 00:26:10,210 Okay, none of that is true, and most of it didn't make any sense. 611 00:26:10,246 --> 00:26:13,180 - How do you know, Officer? - Officer? I'm a pastor. 612 00:26:13,215 --> 00:26:15,015 - So am I. - Really? Of what? 613 00:26:15,051 --> 00:26:16,283 Pastor of life. 614 00:26:17,486 --> 00:26:19,386 I love you so much, Jess, 615 00:26:19,422 --> 00:26:21,655 and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. 616 00:26:21,690 --> 00:26:23,223 I've known that since we met. 617 00:26:23,259 --> 00:26:24,624 I've made too many mistakes. 618 00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:27,193 - Leif: That's okay. - I've strayed off my path. 619 00:26:27,508 --> 00:26:31,130 Uh, Jess! No! Wait! Jess, hold on. 620 00:26:31,166 --> 00:26:32,665 I've made mistakes too. 621 00:26:33,734 --> 00:26:34,800 Hold on. 622 00:26:36,037 --> 00:26:37,336 - Sir, would you hold this, please? - Sure. 623 00:26:37,927 --> 00:26:40,173 Wait. You don't have to do this. 624 00:26:40,208 --> 00:26:43,376 I forgive you. Okay. 625 00:26:43,411 --> 00:26:44,842 Okay. Steps. 626 00:26:44,878 --> 00:26:48,813 Jess, we've both strayed from the path, but I forgive you. 627 00:26:48,848 --> 00:26:51,183 Please forgive me. We need to go home. 628 00:26:51,218 --> 00:26:52,684 It's not about your forgiveness. 629 00:26:52,709 --> 00:26:53,950 It's something I have to do for myself. 630 00:26:53,975 --> 00:26:56,321 - I want to come back. - I can't go back with you. 631 00:26:56,356 --> 00:27:00,492 Jess and I are together now. What are you talking about, man? Help me! 632 00:27:00,527 --> 00:27:05,028 Help you? I'm not gonna help you get back with my wife! 633 00:27:05,064 --> 00:27:07,531 - We're a family. - I thought you were a comedian now. 634 00:27:07,567 --> 00:27:10,267 I don't have to be a comedian. It's a hobby. 635 00:27:10,303 --> 00:27:13,003 I can make you laugh. I can make our kids laugh. 636 00:27:13,867 --> 00:27:15,806 You don't want to be with him, Jess. You weren't happy. 637 00:27:15,841 --> 00:27:17,608 We can put the genie back in the bottle. 638 00:27:17,643 --> 00:27:19,542 - You can't put genies back in bottles! - Shut up! 639 00:27:19,578 --> 00:27:22,612 - They're out being genies! - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 640 00:27:22,647 --> 00:27:24,034 I chose Jesus! 641 00:27:25,550 --> 00:27:26,983 Oh! 642 00:27:27,952 --> 00:27:29,819 Woo! [shouts] 643 00:27:29,854 --> 00:27:31,354 Hallelujah! 644 00:27:31,389 --> 00:27:32,989 Oh! She is risen! 645 00:27:33,024 --> 00:27:36,458 That did not count. That did not count, everyone! None of this counts! 646 00:27:36,494 --> 00:27:38,660 647 00:27:39,730 --> 00:27:41,029 [sighs] 648 00:27:43,066 --> 00:27:45,767 Jess, you don't understand. I... I have nothing. 649 00:27:45,802 --> 00:27:48,103 I have... I have no job. I have no money. 650 00:27:48,139 --> 00:27:50,772 I... I have no prospects. I have nowhere to stay. 651 00:27:50,807 --> 00:27:52,240 I need to be with you. 652 00:27:53,176 --> 00:27:55,009 God will provide a way, Peter. 653 00:27:55,044 --> 00:27:56,477 He always does. 654 00:27:57,614 --> 00:27:59,514 - - [sighs] 655 00:27:59,549 --> 00:28:01,182 What about Tampa, though? 656 00:28:03,052 --> 00:28:04,084 Jess? 657 00:28:04,920 --> 00:28:06,754 I already put down a deposit! 658 00:28:08,491 --> 00:28:11,758 Jess! God! 659 00:28:12,727 --> 00:28:14,194 She wasn't that great. 660 00:28:20,636 --> 00:28:24,271 - See? This is church. - Yeah. I'll tell ya, this ain't bad. 661 00:28:24,306 --> 00:28:26,472 662 00:28:26,507 --> 00:28:29,508 [chattering] 663 00:28:41,355 --> 00:28:45,456 Oh, that's good stuff. Thank you, Lord. 664 00:28:47,460 --> 00:28:49,460 Todd Barry [on TV]: I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately 665 00:28:49,496 --> 00:28:51,962 on the happiest moments of my life, and I thought of a big one. 666 00:28:51,998 --> 00:28:55,300 You ever make plans with someone you do not want to hang out with 667 00:28:55,335 --> 00:28:58,869 - and then they cancel? - [audience laughs] 668 00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:01,072 Does wet money work, man? 669 00:29:01,106 --> 00:29:02,872 - [audience laughs] - [Todd continues speaking] 670 00:29:02,908 --> 00:29:04,408 What a rip. 671 00:29:06,312 --> 00:29:09,613 It's not enough, anyway. I can't really help you out with the hotel, 672 00:29:09,648 --> 00:29:13,116 but my brother will wire me money... 673 00:29:13,151 --> 00:29:16,186 in the next couple days. I just gotta give him a call. 674 00:29:16,727 --> 00:29:18,629 He's a bitcoin guy. 675 00:29:19,257 --> 00:29:22,702 Do you ever think about who existed in your environment 676 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,661 - before you came upon it? - [sighs] 677 00:29:25,697 --> 00:29:27,396 Like, for example, we are here, 678 00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:29,705 but... who was here before... 679 00:29:30,335 --> 00:29:34,169 we got here? Who was here before this hotel... was here? 680 00:29:34,205 --> 00:29:35,503 Maybe the Indians? 681 00:29:37,073 --> 00:29:39,307 Maybe... pioneers? 682 00:29:42,246 --> 00:29:43,545 Could be Vikings. 683 00:29:43,580 --> 00:29:45,614 There were no Vikings... 684 00:29:45,649 --> 00:29:48,683 - in upstate New York. - [chuckles] 685 00:29:50,086 --> 00:29:51,585 Are you still mad? 686 00:29:53,856 --> 00:29:55,989 Don't eat French fries with your foot. 687 00:29:57,660 --> 00:29:58,559 688 00:29:58,594 --> 00:30:01,094 I'm really excited about our friendship, man. 689 00:30:01,130 --> 00:30:04,998 We're not friends. We're broke... together. 690 00:30:05,033 --> 00:30:06,634 That's how it starts. 691 00:30:06,669 --> 00:30:10,436 Ooh, ooh, ooh 692 00:30:10,472 --> 00:30:13,306 Would you be uncomfortable if I put on some adult fare? 693 00:30:13,341 --> 00:30:16,208 [sighs] 694 00:30:16,244 --> 00:30:21,347 Love comes when you least expect it 695 00:30:21,383 --> 00:30:26,151 Falling through the night's sweet rain 696 00:30:26,186 --> 00:30:29,821 When you put your arms around me 697 00:30:31,024 --> 00:30:35,427 Love comes to my heart again 698 00:30:35,462 --> 00:30:39,898 Walking through the streets at midnight 699 00:30:39,933 --> 00:30:44,902 Brings the world a different hue 700 00:30:44,937 --> 00:30:49,540 Everybody's got their color 701 00:30:49,575 --> 00:30:54,345 Make mine a shade of blue 702 00:30:54,379 --> 00:30:58,080 [harmonica playing] 703 00:30:58,105 --> 00:31:00,722 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 704 00:31:08,893 --> 00:31:13,262 Ooh, ooh, ooh 705 00:31:13,298 --> 00:31:19,335 Ooh, ooh, ooh 706 00:31:19,385 --> 00:31:23,935 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 54901

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