All language subtitles for Crashing s01e06 Warm up.eng

[sighs]

So... thanks again, guys.

This... this was a real lifesaver.

Don't even mention it, dude. Anytime.

No, I would've been homeless,

- so you really saved me.
- Russell: Dude, listen,

I'm sorry, but, like,
I'd have you stay longer,

but, you know, my cousin's coming
to town. You know how that is.

Don't mention it. Family...
family first. I get it.

- Russell: Peace out, man.
- Bye.

- Russell: Oh!
- Every time.

- You're gonna miss that, aren't you?
- I am.

I left my key on the tub.

Thank you. See you, Pete.

[door closes]

Did he buy it?

I do not care.

That guy sucks.

-

[line rings]

- [line clicks]
- Hello?

- Artie?
- Artie [on phone]: Uh, Pete!

Hey, what's up, man?

Artie: Hey, what's
going on with you, man?

I haven't seen you since Albany.

You were holding coke for me up there.

I... I'm sorry, man.

That woman was gonna
take you down a dark path.

I... I had to intercept.

- I... I thwarted you. I'm...
- Artie:You thwarted me?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I... I
thought maybe you're mad?

Artie: Mad? Are you kidding
me? I'm proud of ya.

I mean, I thought you... I dunno.

Listen, she was all right
looking. Did you fuck her?

It was the craziest night of my life.

I... I got pepper-sprayed
by that woman,

then we went back to her
place, she gave me cocaine,

and I pretended to do cocaine.

[both laughing]

Sorry. Is someone...
Is someone else there?

I... Okay, hold on. Wait.
You were pepper-sprayed

and then, um...

like, how do you pretend to do cocaine?

You hold the cocaine up to your face,

but you blow out instead of sucking in.

[on phone] Sorry, who is this?

Well, listen, man,
you're on my podcast,

- and that's Sarah Silverman.
- Hi, Peaches.

Artie, you...

Hi, Sarah.

Big fan.

I wanna hear more about this
story. This is a good story.

Yeah, yeah, get over here, man.

We'll... we'll fuck
around on the air.

You... You want me to come on
your podcast with Sarah Silverman?

- [laughing]
- Yeah, yeah, come on down.

Sarah, if I can just say
that Wreck-It Ralph is

maybe one of my favorite movies...

Definitely one of my
favorite movies of all time...

All right, whatever. Okay, great.

Hello?

Okay.

Sarah: I was already a comedian
when I lost my virginity.

I was 19, but, you know, it was...

True story. I lost my
virginity to a Brazilian hooker

in the back of my father's handicap van.

No lie. It was in the
parking lot of a diner.

- Sarah: Sounds so right.
- Artie: I miss her.

I actually miss her. Now, Pete,
have you lost your virginity yet?

I have had sex with a woman, my wife.

Artie: Oh, your wife.

On our wedding night.
That's when I lost my virginity.

Your wedding night. You waited.

Yeah, well... yes. It's in the Bible
not to have sex before marriage.

- It is?
- Pete: So, we would like dry-hump and...

Oh my God, I miss dry-humping.

Artie: Me too. I miss the third grade.

Dry-humping's romantic. It's
like a friction-based cum.

- [laughs] That's right.
- Please.

Well, if you love dry-humping,
you'll be happy to know

that it's very big in
the Christian community...

Well into your late 20s. Oh my
God, when I was six and seven,

I was so slutty with the
furniture in my house.

I... I felt guilty. I thought I was
cheating with the corner of my bed

- with the corner of the couch.
- [laughter]

I'm just saying, we were very
"wait till marriage" people,

- and so...
- But that's just a loophole.

If you're not supposed to have sex,

and then you're just grinding
and creaming your jeans...

- Artie: Really, yeah.
- ...you think you're tricking God?

"You better be cumming in
your pants and not having sex."

- That... that is how absurd it is.
- "That's important to me."

- Artie: Think about it.
- Sex is a special thing when you wait

and you've only done
it with that person. I don't...

You didn't have oral sex before marriage
even?

Well... one time, but that's when
I knew we were gonna get married.

- Right.
- She gave me a blow job...

- Artie: Oh, great.
- ...and instead of enjoying it,

I swear, I was like, "Maybe August."

- Like I was planning...
- "Maybe August" for what?

- That's so romantic.
- To get married,

because I knew I was only...

Oh! You were thinking about centerpieces

- while you were getting a blow job?
- Yes!

It was like an engagement blow job.

You know what's a great blow job?
A divorce blow job is a great blow job.

- Oh really?
- Yeah. 'Cause it's not from your wife.

- Well...
- [laughter]

Great live comedy tonight, guys.

We've got a great live comedy
show. Great live comedy.

Great live comedy. Great
live comedy tonight, 8:30.

Great live com... Hey. Oh.

Hey! I know this guy!

Sorry, I didn't... Obviously,
I didn't recognize you.

- My friend Pete.
- Yeah.

- The podcast. Podcast Pete.
- From just hours ago.

I'm honored. Nice to see ya.

- What are you doing?
- I didn't recognize you.

I'm... I'm handing out fliers
for the Boston. I'm barking.

Oh, you're barking. That's
your... you got a job barking.

- That's good.
- Well, yeah, I mean,

I do it for stage time.
If I get five people,

they let me go on at
the end of the night...

if anyone's still there.

You don't have a job.
How do you make money?

- [chattering]
- Great live comedy, guys.

I'm kind of in-between jobs right now.

I'm flying below the radar,
staying on couches, you know.

I eat a lot of free samples.

I eat 75-cent hot dogs,

- then I get a lot of free toppings.
- Oh, you're homeless.

- What's that?
- You're homeless.

- No. No.
- Do you have a home?

- No. But, you know...
- So, you're homeless.

Not all those who wander
are lost, you know?

I... You know, I stay
on people's couches.

Where are you staying tonight?

I don't have anything
lined up for today,

but, you know, after the
show, I send out little feelers

and, "Hey, what
neighborhood do you live in?"

Which train do you take?"
And then I befriend them.

I can't. It's so sad. This is so sad.

And then at the end of the night,
I have a pillow.

[sighs] All right.

I feel like homeless people are...

- [sighs]
- It's another category.

When you're done tonight,

go here. You can stay at my place.

- What? Really?
- Yeah.

I... Wow, thank you.

You know, I'm kind of in
a weird place, emotionally.

I don't know if we should be...

- staying...
- I'm not gonna fuck you.

I'm excited that you
have that much moxie.

Maybe you can get your
shit together after all.

- I misread the...
- Jesus Christ.

Ask for Steve. He might fuck you.

Thank you, Sarah!

Uh, we got a... we got
a... We got a place to stay.

Great live comedy. Ha!

Come see me at 1:15 a.m. tonight.

I think if birds knew how
many dumb names we call them,

they'd take down a lot more planes.

Right? Just get all the birds together

take out a bunch of planes.

What... What is going on?

Nobody showed up.

Nobody?

There was a guy here earlier,

but he saw what was
happening, and he left.

So, what, do we just
cancel everything? No show?

Well, he's got a really funny new bit

that he's work... Working out right now.

Yeah, I barked for four
hours. Can I have this?

[clears throat] Has anybody
seen Mr. Robot?

- Anaya: Yes. Yes.
- Just say yes so that...

I wish it was called Mrs. Robot

and it was about the maid
from The Jetsons.

[Anaya chuckles]

That's gotta be fleshed out.

- [beeps]
- [on intercom] Hello?

- Steve: Hello?
- Hi. Sorry. Is this Steve?

Steve: Who's asking?

This is... This is Pete?

Steve: Is... is that a question?

- What?
- Are you asking me if your name is Pete?

No, this is Pete. Like,
I was being polite.

- [on intercom] Hi, Pete.
- Hi.

I'm a friend of Sarah, um,
well, not really a friend.

[door buzzes]

Hey, so, um, I stay
upstairs, in the guest room.

You can take the couch,

because Dave's got sciatica
and sleeps on the floor.

There's laundry downstairs.

I'm assuming you're gonna
wanna do that right away.

If there's anything in the
dryer of mine, you can fold it.

- Hey. Who's this?
- Oh, Dave, this is...

- Hey, I'm Pete, Sarah's friend.
- Pete.

Did you bring a toothbrush?

- What?
- Did you bring a toothbrush?

I... Yes, I have a toothbrush.

Well, good, because a lot of people

come here, they don't bring a toothbrush,

then I go in there, and I see
my toothbrush is a little amiss,

but I can't be sure, so I touch it.

It's damp to the touch,
but I'm still not sure.

So, if you could leave
yours on the counter,

it would really put me at ease.

- Put it on the counter.
- I can do that.

So, Sarah's letting you stay here too?

Yeah, that's right.

Weren't you on her TV
show? I mean, that...

Yeah, that was, like, six years ago, man.

- [cabinet closes]
- What happened to you?

Oh, she feels bad. I'm
going through a divorce,

- so I'm kinda floating around.
- Steve: All right.

Do you have a nut allergy?

- No.
- Okay, 'cause we're about to make

PB and J's for the week.

We go through them really fast.

Are you a white or a wheat guy?

- Steve.
- We're out of white bread.

[sighs]

- Fuck.
- Wheat's fine.

- He's a wheat guy.
- Ah! Wheat it is!

[faucet running]

...they come in. In a note
that we got several years ago,

from a little boy
only known by "Jason,"

and he wrote with a crayon,
"Thank you for the PJ�s.

They're the first
I've ever owned."

All sizes of pajamas are needed,

but especially larger
sizes... 10, 12, and 14,

also adult sizes for teenagers.

For more information,
head to pajamaprogram.org.

[sighs]

[door opens]

- Hey.
- Sarah: Hey!

- Pete: I made it.
- You made it.

- Oh my God, thank you so much for this.
- [Sarah chuckles]

This is incredible.
Your house is amazing.

Isn't it fancy? Hey, guys.

- 'Sup?
- Did you meet Steve and Davey boy?

Yup. They gave me the lay of the land.

Okay. What's your plan?

I don't really have a plan. Do
you wanna watch a movie or...

No. You're welcome to
stay here. I just...

If you're not working towards a plan,

I can't... I can't...
I... You can't stay here,

Right.

because I just...
I've already ruined Steve.

He's ruined, and I can't
have three of these.

[laughs]

Oh no, I... I have a
plan. I... I'm on a track.

Good.

I'm getting up every
night, doing a lot of stand-up.

I'm going at it hard.

Great. But you make

- zero dollars at stand-up.
- Yeah. That's not how I make my money.

Oh. Okay, how do you make your money?

I was married, as you know,

so up until very recently,
my wife was supporting me.

And, you know, I got
married when I was 22,

so for the first 22,
my mom supported me.

So, it was mom, and then wife,

and now...

How are you gonna afford, like...

a place to live or a laptop or insurance

or, like, be able to go to the dentist?

You have to go to the dentist.
You have to floss every single day.

- Really?
- Death creeps in through the gums.

I always thought that was
a lie started by Big Floss.

[laughs] That's funny. You're an idiot.

Yeah. No, that's...
Those are the jokes I like.

I like clean, silly. I just
want everyone to have a fun time.

You'd be a great warm-up!

- What do you mean?
- You should be a warm-up comedian.

What... Is that like a... what?

Like, you know how they shoot all
different shows in New York City?

Some of them have live audiences.

Oh, the guy that tells everyone to clap?

Exactly. He's the
comedian that comes out,

tells some jokes, have dance
contests with the audience,

just anything to kind of
entertain them in between shots.

- I could do that. I... Yeah, all right.
- Yes.

They get paid?

[Sarah speaks emphatically] They get paid.

It's so steady, and then you
can still do stand-up at night.

- [stammers] Where do I sign?
- I know.

I mean, I would do that in a heartbeat.

I know a couple of TV shows that
shoot in this city.

Hey, excuse me.
I've lived here for three months,

and you haven't once tried
to get me a warm-up gig.

That's right, Steve. And
that's because the one time

I set you up with a
meeting with a producer,

you tried to fuck her,
and it was super smarmy.

I didn't try to fuck her.
She tried to fuck me...

- and succeeded.
- Dave: Ooh.

Steve: She did have some big ol' titties.

Oh yeah. [mimics squirt, slurp]

[mutters]
This is a prison of my own design.

- [slurping] [gargles]
- [laughs]

I don't want to waste your
time, so I'll be direct.

We already have a warm-up guy,
but Sarah says you're funny,

- so it can't hurt to have you on-call.
- Like an understudy.

Call it that if you want.

I'm excited for whatever. I'm
a really big fan of the show.

Okay, just a heads up.

Our warm-up guy is not gonna
be happy you're here.

He's a little intense,
so whatever you do,

- don't tell him why you're here.
- What should I say?

Schmitty, could you
please let me know

if there are disabled
people in the audience?

I can't keep going out there blind!

If there's anything irregular about
the audience, you need to tell me.

- I can't not know these things.
- Okay.

Would it kill you if
there... You could tell me

there are two rows of people
that don't speak fucking English!

Or people in wheelchairs!

I'm telling people to get up
and dance, and they can't get up!

- Copy that.
- Mort: Yeah, you say that,

but you don't fucking copy anything.
I want to see you write it down.

Copy this down. Tell me when
there are people in the crowd

that have a disability
or are from fucking Spain!

- What's this?
- This is Pete. He'll be doing warm-up

if you ever have to
miss a day. Fill him in.

"Miss a day"? Does
Rachael know about this?

Schmitty, is this coming from Rachael?

Is this coming from Ray? Fuck!

- How about a hand for the birthday girl?
- [cheers, applause]

- What's your name, sweetheart?
- Gwen.

- Gwen. And you're 29 years old today?
- [laughter]

You look fantastic. And what are
you gonna do on this special day?

Coming to see Rachael Ray!

[cheers, applause]

Yeah, that's great. Oh!

Okay, you're a beautiful crowd.

Now, you see we've got a big studio here,

so I need you to fill it with your
love and laughter and applause.

Ready? Three, two, one!

[cheers, applause]

Who wants Kit Kats, huh? Yeah!

Who likes Kit Kats? There you go!

All right, keep calm! Ladies
and gentlemen, here she is!

Rachael Ray!

-
Look so sweet

Oh, sit down. Sit down, please.

Whoo! Fucking animals.

[mockingly] "It's my birthday.
I came to see Rachael Ray."

They give me nothing to work with.

You're taking notes?

Yeah, I'm just writing down some of
the things you say.

Oh, Jesus, dude. Don't... You're
staring at me, you're taking notes.

They offered you the job, right?

I swear, nobody said anything

about me taking your job. I'm
just gonna fill in...

Oh God.

...if you're ever, you
know, sick or can't make it.

I'm training my own replacement.

They're handing me a
shovel to dig my own grave.

- [Rachael speaking indiscernibly]
- I can't believe this.

I promise, nobody promised me your job.

I'm just here to observe. Maybe
I'll do warm-up for another show.

Oh yeah, for another show,
and so you take my shit

that I've been working
on for fucking years,

and you steal it and go to another show.

Nobody owns, "Who's from far away?"

Nobody owns, "Any birthdays here?"

These are free... Free for everyone.

How did you get in here,
really? How did you get in here?

- I was referred by a friend.
- Who?

- A comedian.
- Who?

- Sarah Silverman referred me.
- Sarah Silverman?

- I just met her.
- Holy God.

These people are medieval.
They're squeezing me out of a job.

No! Sarah Silverman. Oh, did
Seinfeld drive you over here

in one of his little fancy
cars, drinking coffee?

I get the reference, but no.

I mean, if you're gonna fire me,
at least let me ass-fuck an intern.

That's unbelievable. This is bullshit.

- [cheers, applause]
- Hey! Isn't she wonderful?

Rachael Ray! Tony, hit
me with that beat, baby.

-

Oh, I'm gonna moonwalk. Whoa!

All right, we are back, guys.

Big finish to the show
today. My husband John

- is joining me in the kitchen.
- Hello.

If you guys watch, then you
know what time that means it is.

- Time for you to start drinking.
- That's right.

We're gonna make a cocktail with
Johnny, our mixologist.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry, Rachael. We're
just having audio issues.

If you can just go see
Freddy, it'll be five minutes.

I'm sorry, you guys.
We're gonna take a fiver.

Honey, why don't you come with me?

- Sounds like a good idea.
- We'll be right back.

-

- They're gonna have to rewire Rachael.
- Fuck!

Okay, could you just calm down
and go do your job?

Excuse me? Calm down?

Schmitty, you've been riding my ass

for two months, ever since Rory left.

- Then bring in this motherfucker?
- [sighs]

- Can you just...
- Watching me, taking notes.

Take the fucking Mic and do your job.

-
Baby, baby, bring it back

- People: Hey.
- Hey. We're having some, uh,

a little difficulty,
little technical problems.

It'll be up in a minute, but...

I got some coupons from Omaha steaks.

- [cheers, applause]
- Huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Y'all wanna win some meat.

- Don't you? Yeah.
- [laughter]

Of course. Of course you do.

That's all you care about. Prizes.

"Let's get something.
Let's grab something.

Throw me a fucking Kit Kat bar."

You're just like every other American.

All they want is something to eat and

something to fuck, and they're happy.

Do you have any idea what's
going on in the world?

Any idea?

"No! Just let me have my steak!"

You just sit there and flap your flippers

every time you see the fish
bucket, you fucking morons.

Can we get security?
Security now, please.

Look at you, sitting on your asses,

standing in line at the Apple store.

You know they're gonna
have the same product

next week, but no,
you gotta have it now!

You gotta have it now! And by the way,

leave your children alone, okay?

Let 'em fucking fail.
They're not gonna peak at 12.

And stop taking pictures
with your fucking iPhones!

That's bullshit. Don't touch me, guys!

- Don't touch me!
- Woman: Come on, get him outta here!

And you know when I said
you were a great audience?

- I lied. You're a shitty audience.
- Come with us, please.

And, Gwen, nobody gives a
fuck about your birthday.

Man: Let's go. Right now.

Mort: Yeah. Ooh, what are you doing here?

Learning about secrets of cinnamon?

Go home! Read a goddamn book!

Spend some time with your children!

- Keep walking.
- Here you go, Schmitt.

- Fuck you, dick.
- [audience murmuring]

- What the fuck did you say to him?
- [audience murmuring]

I didn't say anything to him.
What are you talking about?

Fucking fix it. Go!

- "Fix it"?
- Go out there. Get them back.

Okay.

Um... [clears throat] Hi.

Hello.

Um...

Hi, everyone. My name
is, uh, my name is Pete.

I'm the... [clears throat]
I'm the other warm-up.

We have two here at The Rachael Ray Show.

I feel like... I feel
like we can get over this.

Together, we can get over this. Uh...

The... The scary uncle has left.

- [laughter]
- Right?

God, what was that?

I feel like Dad just yelled
at us on the way to Disneyland.

We need to shake it
off. That was terrifying.

Did you see the vein in his neck?

It was pulsing.

If we could hook up some
jumper cables to that vein,

- we could power Vancouver.
- [laughter]

Maybe we could, uh...
Let's dance or something.

You guys wanna dance? Tony?
Tony, can I get a beat?

-

Will you dance with me? Come on up!

Give her a round of
applause, everybody, come on!

The bad man is gone. We're gonna
dance. Will you dance with us?

Yes, sir, please get
in there. Get in here.

Gwen, it's your birthday.
Give it up for Gwen!

Give it up for Gwen!

- Okay, what do you think of this one?
- [clapping rhythmically]

Pretty good. Number two?

- [cheering]
- Pretty good.

What about number three? Oh sh... Okay.

What about Gwen? Oh! Oh!

Dance Gwen! Clap for
Gwen! It's her birthday!

Now, that was amazing! Sit down!

Everybody stand up! Everybody stand up!

- Say, "Hey!"
- Audience: Hey!

- Say, "Ho!"
- Audience: Ho!

- Say, "He was scary!"
- Audience: He was scary!

- I'm glad he's gone!
- Glad he's gone!

- Rachael Ray!
- Rachael Ray!

- Rachael Ray!
- Rachael Ray!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Okay, sit down. Sit down!

- Let's get some Kit Kats!
- Audience: Yeah!

Where are the Kit Kats?

I'm in charge of the Kit Kats now!

- [music playing on TV]
- [geese honking]

Steve: This shot actually
makes me motion sick.

[door opens]

- Sarah: Hey!
- Hey.

- How'd it go?
- [music stops]

[key clatters]

It was crazy. I got there,

they have a warm-up, and then...

he loses his mind. He
turned on everybody.

He flips out. The-the...
Schmitty gave me the Mic

- and was like, "Get out there."
- You did warm-up today?

- I went out and did warm-up.
- [Sarah laughs]

They paid me for today,

they said I can come back for, like,
a trial week.

- You got it.
- But like, I mean, yeah, I got it.

- Huh.
- Is this...

You guys watching Planet
Earth or is this Nova?

I feel like...

You know what? You only get a few times

to have that, like, "I got it" moment,

and I feel like you kinda shit
the bed with this one.

Like, go out, come back in,

act like you didn't get it, and then...

the reveal, "I got it."

- Make it bigger. Really...
- Misdirect.

It's a missed opportunity.

- Ah. Okay.
- Dave: Yeah.

- Steve: Sell it.
- Dave: Let's give the kid another shot.

[music playing on TV]

[geese honking]

I don't think Pete did well today.

I mean, he's never done it before.

- [door opens]
- Dave: I feel bad for him.

- [sighs]
- [key clatters]

Hey, buddy. You okay?

I don't...

I... I'm sorry. [scoffs]

You set that all up for me, and...

I know, Steve, you would've
liked that opportunity and...

- And I got it.
-

[shouting] Oh my God! Oh my God!

- Ah!
- Sarah: Woo!

[Steve shouts] Whoopee!

- You got it!
- Jerk me off. Jerk me off.

[laughs]

Woo!

[crying] I feel like fucking shit

because I went in there and I got it!

[shouting]

- My parents were right.
- Dave: What?

- I got it!
- [shouting]

I've been getting shit a long time,

and I've pretty much had it,

so today was the last
day I was gonna take it.

That's why I'm so glad I got it!

- [cheering]
-

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Is this okay?
- [laughs] Yeah. Yeah.

I'm just so happy.

I... I don't remember the last time

I felt so good and silly
and fun and right.

And I did something that I'm good at,

that, like, felt like me.

I really owe you big time.

- Oh, my joy. You know what I think?
- What's that?

I think somebody
earned a little tooty-toot-a-loot

- on the weed pipe.
- I've never... I don't...

You've never smoked pot?

- No, I've never smoked... yeah.
- Aww.

Well, I don't want to
push. I mean, I wouldn't...

Don't do it then, unless you
want me to encourage you to.

Okay, yeah, talk me into it.

Just have a little. What's the big deal?

- [babbling]
- Just have a puff. Celebrate.

- You had a great day.
- What do I do?

Press the button... [inhales]

...suck it in, and then take it out,

and suck in again, like a second time.

- That's enough.
- [deep cough, laugh]

Oh my God, you just smoked
pot. You just smoked pot.

- I think... Okay, thank you.
- Yes. Put it down for a second.

I feel kind of weird that I...
I have something to tell you.

I've never seen your... I've
never seen your stand-up.

[laughs] That's okay.

I feel weird. I... I
thought maybe you'd be mad.

- I just...
- No, I don't care.

Now I can use my jokes, like,
in conversation with you,

- and you'll think I'm a genius.
- [laughs]

I love stand-up. It's just...

I... I don't know if you know...
Remember, I'm raised religious,

and our community... you know,

you make fun of Jesus.

- Who?
- You know, Jesus of Nazareth?

- So, you're a God person.
- Yes, I'm a God person.

- Aw.
-

- When does it work?
- In seconds.

If you smoke too much, you can't go back,

Okay.

so just make it a treat,
just have a little puff.

I feel like I'm floating in honey.

Is that... is that
what the buzz is about?

- That's the buzz.
- That's what all you guys are like,

"Hey, put down the hacky sack.

I have something to tell you guys."

After a while, you stop
needing to talk about the high.

- Just, like, exist.
- [deep laugh]

- Is that a weird laugh?
- [laughs]

These are nice, man. I shouldn't...

I shouldn't be sleeping on your
couch. I should sleep out here.

Wait a minute. You
can't sleep here tonight.

- What?
- You've got a job,

you're making hundreds of dollars a day,

you've been sleeping on couches.

You really want to sleep tonight

with your head on a pillow
filled with Steve's farts?

- No.
- Treat yourself.

You're gonna thank me for this.

[sighs]

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www.addic7ed.com

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