All language subtitles for Crashing s01e05 Parents.eng

[cars honking]

Pete: I love you so much.

I just woke up. I'm
still in bed, actually.

I got the same table as last
year. It's gonna be perfect.

I know. I can't wait to see you.

I know. I love you too.

I love you so much.

I just carry it around in my heart
all day, knowing that you love me.

Makes me so happy.

People are here. I can't
do that for you right now.

I love you too, Schbeebs. Okay. Bye-bye.

- I love you.
- [beeps]

- Sorry, man.
- Russell: No, it's cool, man.

I have nowhere to go. Hey,
nothing to be sorry about.

- You a ho.
- What are you talking about?

You've been crying about your wife this
entire time when you had a side chick?

Giving her that bedroom voice.

Was she touching herself?
She diddle the griddles? Hmm?

Hmm? [smacks lips]

No, that was my mom.

- Fuck.
- Pete: She's a special lady,

and I'm her little gentleman.

Mmm. So, what are these, exactly?

- Oh, they're Kingston Selects.
- Are they farm-raised?

- They're hormone-free, 100% natural.
- Oh.

I think smoky chicken
might be the winner.

It's not too smoky, you know?

I think they can ruin a lot
with that smoke taste.

The smoke is not...
Smoke isn't good for you.

You know what I mean?
You think it is. It tastes fine,

- but smoke is smoke.
- They're really, really good.

Thank you for letting us...
Thanks for letting us have 'em.

If you like 'em, they're
available for purchase

- on the freezer aisle.
- Oh. Yeah.

Yeah? You know, if I'm over that way,

we'll... I'm... I'm gonna get some.

[whispers] Hey, you don't
have to apologize, man.

This is what we do, all right?

We're just here for the free lunch.

They have cheese out in aisle two.

Oh. Oh yeah. Oh, thank you so much.

We'll be back. My man!

-

- Which one do you like?
- I'm vegetarian. I've never tried them.

- What's your name?
- Don't worry about it.

See, Pete, I got my cost of
living down to about $8 a day,

that includes subway fare

and the occasional slice of full-priced
pizza.

All you gotta do is figure out
where the free shit is, man.

It's kinda sad, though. Like,
we're eating free cheese for lunch,

and I just read about how Katt
Williams has a private jet,

- and he has three houses.
- Oh, dude, stop.

That... no, that's
later. We ain't shit yet.

Katt Williams put in the work. He's
supposed to be on a private jet,

smoking weed out of a crab
leg, pressing the call button

so the stewardess can give him a
handjob while he watches Finding Nemo.

- [chuckles]
- [phone rings]

Sorry, hold on.

If that's your mom, man,
just get away from here.

Hey. How are you?

Good. Things are good.

- How are you?
- Pete [on phone]: Good. I'm good too.

Jess: I saw you called.
What do you want?

Jess, it's my mom's birthday,

and I was really hoping maybe
you would come down for dinner.

Why would I do that?

I'll be honest. I haven't told them yet,

- about us.
- Peter, really?

I mean, when's a good time?

I told my parents the next day.

Seriously? Were you
looking forward to that?

Jess, my mom doesn't deserve this.

She doesn't deserve this
on her birthday, okay?

It's gonna ruin her month.

Please, just buy me some time.

Do this for me one more night.

Just give me a little wiggle room.

- You want me to lie?
- Pete: I don't want you to lie.

I'm asking you to pretend.
You know what I'm saying?

- Like, what happened happened...
- Excuse me.

...and you and I will both know that,

but you're gonna pretend
that it happened

a week after my mother's birthday.

- That sounds really complicated.
- Pete: It's not complicated.

We just go to dinner, and
we pretend that what happened

just a little while ago will
happen in about five days.

So eventually, that present reality

will catch up to the now,
and then I'll tell them.

How is that complicated?

- [people chattering]
- [sighs]

- Pete: Hello?
- Fine. I'll do it.

Really?

I'm not gonna lie.
That is fantastic news.

I have been kinda
freaking out about this.

Hi. Uh, I'll be right out.

Uh, okay.

Oh!

Sorry.

Could you help me with this? Sorry.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- God!

You're the Se... I'm sorry to yelp.

You're the second person other
than my wife to see me naked.

It's weird.

You know, would you leave
a Yelp review? [chuckles]

- Would you come to this establishment...
- I didn't hear you.

I was making jokes about Yelp.

Oh God.

[hissing]

[shower running]

[traffic sounds]

Man: Get your paper right
here. Get your paper.

Right here, sir. How about
you, big guy? There you go.

- Hey.
- Hi.

These aren't for you. These
are for my mom for her birthday.

Got so excited. [chuckles]

I'm not standing here,
"Ah! Take me! Take me back!"

Uh...

I... I remembered to wear my ring.

I saw you did too. That's good.

I haven't taken it off yet.

News of the divorce
hasn't reached my fingers.

Tell 'em.

I'll tell 'em the day I
buy them something nice,

like a new glove or a mitten.

I'm sorry. I... I haven't felt
right taking it off... yet.

I'll get there.

Oh. Do you wanna maybe...
Do you wanna maybe

- get a drink before we do this?
- Yes. Yeah.

- Right?
- Yes.

I think that could help.

Yeah, I had a beer on the train, so...

Maybe I'll have two, you can have one.

- We don't wanna be too...
- I can have another one.

Okay, you'll have two, I'll have one.

- [people chattering]
- [piano music playing]

You still, uh, going to Tampa?

- Mm-hmm.
- Is that the plan?

Yeah, we're just figuring out logistics.

- Do you like Florida?
- Yeah. I mean, I'm excited to see.

- You been going to church?
- [scoffs] No.

Me neither, actually. I've
been sleeping in on Sunday.

- I've been working nights. Comedy.
- That's good.

Should we tell my parents
we're not going to church?

How many lies are we gonna tell them?

We should probably tell them.

Nothing fancy, just
like, "Hey, how's church?"

"It's been great. Sermons?
They're lovely. Lovely sermons."

You have to tell them
we're getting divorced.

I will. What I'll do is
I'll start dropping hints

- in a month.
- You just need to tell them.

- I will.
- Soon.

- I'm gonna.
- Okay.

But I'm gonna build up to
it. "We're having problems."

"What's going on?" "I
don't wanna talk about it."

Then they'll kinda... It's like a...

You know they have that Ambien that

dissolves slowly so you stay asleep?

- Yeah.
- That's how I wanna tell them.

Jess, we just gotta get through tonight.

I didn't think I was gonna
have to see your mom again,

so this is already a lot for me.

What are you talking about?

We're getting divorced!

I wasn't gonna see your family anymore.

Excuse me. I fully intend on
seeing your dad from time to time.

You're not gonna see my
dad from time to time.

Why wouldn't I see your dad?

We have a separate relationship that has
nothing to do with you.

Okay, just... don't regress.

You always regress when you're around
your parents. It's so disturbing.

I won't regress.

- Do you want another one before we...
- Yeah, I would love that.

- You?
- Yeah.

- Still don't like the taste?
- No.

It gets me where I need to go, though.

[chuckles] Yeah.

[exhales sharply]

-

Hello!

How's my favorite boy
in the whole world?

- Jess, how are you?
- Good. How are you doing?

- Oh, not too bad for an old fella.
- [both laugh]

Hey, paisan. [Brooklyn accent]
How you doing?

- How you doing?
- How you doing?

- Hi, Ma. Happy birthday.
- Mom: Oh, thank you.

You look great. Good to see you.

You know, I was only
born to give birth to you.

- Oh my goodness.
- [dad chuckles]

Yeah. You know.

When's the last time you ate?

- About a week back.
- Yeah?

How long you had a weak back?

- About a week back. It's a classic.
- [chuckles]

So, when am I gonna get
you home for a visit?

I'd love to show you off at church.

- Pete: I... I don't know.
- Both of you.

It would be so fun.

We could take our walks around the pond.

We could go to Cheesecake.

What neighborhood is
this? Is this Tribeca?

Yeah, maybe, Mom. This is SoHo, Dad.

Oh. So, I... I don't think so.

No, this is SoHo. It's
south of Houston. SoHo.

Dad: Well, what is ground zero?

Let's take a few minutes and pick
out a nice, long weekend. Hmm?

- Well...
- You have some time

coming up, don't ya?

Yeah, maybe, but we
can see if I... if I do.

Well... you know, probably. We
could probably make that work.

I mean, there's always a Jewish holiday
or a regular holiday

- that we could make it work.
- Mm-hmm.

Good, 'cause looking forward
to it is half the fun for me.

- I know.
- Oh, I love my boy!

- Pete: I love you too.
- Mom: Aw.

This is exactly what

- I wanted for my birthday.
- Oh, me too, Mama.

[kissing]

You're the best mama in the whole world.

- Aw.
- I love you so much.

Oh, I love you too, darling.

I think about you all the time.

[Pete and Mom laugh]

I'm gonna... I'm gonna run
to the bathroom real quick.

Please don't let them take this.

It's... it's molto bene, so...

- Hey, don't fall in.
- I'll be careful.

More than three shakes
and you're playing with it.

- I won't let my meatloaf, Dad.
- [dad laughs]

[people chattering]

- You are so beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.

- Where's that bracelet I got you?
- Oh, which bracelet?

- The one with the little engraving.
- Oh, "What would Jesus do?"

- Yeah, it was a nice one.
- Yeah, it is nice.

I just... I got dressed really fast,
so I didn't remember to put it on.

You know what Jesus would do?

- What?
- I think he would wear the bracelet.

You think Jesus would wear a bracelet
that says, "What would Jesus do?"

Well, he would if his mother-in-law
got it for him.

- [chuckles]
- Wouldn't it say, "What would I do?"

And wouldn't he know?

Dad: How far are we from the UN?

Oh, I have no idea.

- Can I get someone another drink?
- Yes.

I don't know about Jesus,
but that's what I'm doing.

Oh, and could we get
the cake now, please?

Oh, they don't have whole cakes, Rita.

We'll order something off the menu.

Oh. Well, then just
bring four pieces of cake.

Whatever you've got.

- Sure.
- No, actually, I'll have the tiramisu.

Absolutely.

I bought a new ladder yesterday.

It's one of those new folding ones

that you can make a platform out of.

Oh. Ah.

[sighs]

Hmm.

- This is fun.
- [chuckles]

- We getting a cake?
- Some of us are.

Oh. [chuckles]

So, your father and I were talking
about making Thanksgiving this year

- in a restaurant like this.
- Oh.

Taking a year off cooking, so
we can make a special Christmas.

Oh. Yeah, I mean, you worked
so hard cooking all that food,

why not take one off? That's...

- Rita: One year.
- Just one year. That's great.

We're not gonna spend
Thanksgiving with you this year.

What? Why not?

We've just been with you guys
for the last five years in a row,

and we haven't been
with my family, so...

Rita: Oh.

You know, we can figure it
out. We can talk about it.

That doesn't... it's not
set in stone or anything.

- At least we'll see you for Christmas.
- Of course.

Right. We'll see you at Christmas.

Oh, we won't be with you
guys on Christmas either.

We're going to London with my family.

- Rita: Oh.
- London, England?

Well, th... that's not...
You know, that's not definite.

I don't know if I can stand you
being gone for both holidays.

This is just a
conversation we're having.

It might be fun to
travel one year. [laughs]

Well, you know, I love the
idea of traveling for Christmas.

You know, I've always wanted
to go to Israel for Christmas.

I think that's a great idea.

Oh, wouldn't that be something special?

You know what you could do? You
go to London with your family

for Christmas Eve, and
then on Christmas Day,

you fly to Israel, and we have

Christmas together in the Holy Land,

the four of us.

Wait. You want us to fly
to Israel on Christmas?

Yeah, it's just a short hop.

You might have to
connect through Frankfurt.

It's a slow travel
day. We could do both.

Okay, stop. We're not gonna
be together on the holidays,

because we're not together anymore.

- What?
- Da... No.

- We're getting a divorce.
- We're not getting a divorce.

Jess: Yeah, we are.

We're... she's right, we
are going through something,

- but we're working on it.
- We went through it,

it's done, and I'm seeing someone else.

It's not done.

Why on earth would you
do something like that?

'Cause I like him more and
because I like his family more?

Pete doesn't care. He just loves comedy.

- Jess. What are you doing?
- No, really. Your... your family

is so creepy, I can't
even take it any longer.

Seriously, the way that you two
love each other is disgusting.

It's actually very uncomfortable for me.

I can't take any more of the
love you share. It's too much.

- That is... Stop.
- You treat him like he's a baby.

He's 32 years old. He has
cholesterol medication.

You do? Are you okay?

It's over-the-counter.
It's like fish oil.

Why don't you guys just get
a honeymoon suite in Israel?

You can watch the sunrise over Galilee.

- Wait, wait, wait a minute now.
- Jess.

This whole time, you probably thought
he was cheating on you with me.

And now you can be together, okay?
He's all yours.

- Stop!
- Enjoy.

-
Please be true

-
In other words

[traffic sounds]

Jess. Wh... What the hell was that?

You weren't gonna do it.

Yeah, you're right,
I wasn't gonna do it,

because I decided it
wasn't the right time.

You were blocked, okay?
I was trying to free you.

God, you sound like
him. You sound like Lief.

You guys both find
these magnificent ways

to do incredibly selfish horseshit

and make it sound like it's
something for my benefit.

It is for your benefit, Peter.

No, it's not! How about doing
what I asked for my benefit?

It was for you. It was for you,
and it was for your dad, okay?

He's probably sick of
all that kissy shit.

Who is this? I don't even
recognize this person.

Good! I don't want you to recognize me.

I'm different. I want to
experience new things, Peter.

I want to ride on a
motorcycle and

steal something from a store
for no reason.

I just want... I want to have
fun! You've never even smoked weed.

- That's a bad thing?
- Yeah.

You've never smoked
weed. I'm high right now!

Okay, that... That is irresponsible.

It's Blue Dream, Peter.
It makes you a genius.

Is this God's plan for your
life? This is what he wants?

Smoking Blue Dreams?

Yes! Fuck that false
puritanical bullshit.

It's not about that.
God is everywhere, okay?

God is in the restaurant when
you're Frenching your mom,

He's in the weed. He's in everything.

God was not in the restaurant
when you told my mother

that she's in love
with me on her birthday!

She is in love with you!
She's in love with you!

And the worst part is, you love
it. You love it. You want it.

Your mom's very negative,
do you know that?

I know. I'm the one who told you that.

Yeah, well, it's true, all right?

- Okay.
- It drives your father to drink,

and I think he only
gardens to get breaks.

Who cares about my parents?
Break up with your mom.

- Man: Where you going?
- I put it in.

I... I don't understand how a
Christian girl could do something so...

carnal. Who was this guy?

Someone she worked with.

Every married woman knows, if a man

tries to give you a
look, you look away.

I got plenty of looks.
They'd look, I'd look away.

Yeah, well, she didn't look away, Mom.

This is why we sent you to
Christian camp and Christian college,

so... so these things
wouldn't happen to you.

What do you want me to say?
I-I... I'm sorry.

Well, you can't get divorced.

- What?
- Honey, you took an oath before God.

[scoffs] Yeah, because
you... you told me to, Mom.

We went to dinner at a Chili's
in Burlington and you told me

that if I got married,
that was God's plan.

That would put me in his plan.

I did everything I was supposed to.

I didn't drink, I didn't
smoke, I didn't have sex.

He's testing you. This is a test.

And God never gives you
more than you can handle.

And I am handling it.
I'm rolling, I'm trying.

I'm performing even more than I used to.

Well, maybe that's part of the problem,

is you going out at nights.
When do you see your wife?

- Rita.
- Everybody asked me that.

"When do you see your wife?"
When do dentists see their wives?

Comedians are free 21 hours a day.

We watch Lord of the Rings,

all three of them, several times a year.

- Extended versions.
- You build on that time.

Be together. Watch more films.

You stay with your wife and
you figure out how to fix this!

Mama, there's nothing to
fix. She made up her mind.

- She doesn't want to be with me.
- What you need to do

is keep at it until you figure this out.

I can't fucking talk to you guys.

Rita: Where are you going?

- I have a set.
- Rita: What?

- I have a spot.
- What are you talking about, Peter?

I'm doing stand-up comedy

at a club in Manhattan!

- Peter. Peter. Wait a minute now.
- What, Dad?

Come on, come on. Sit
down. Let's have a talk.

Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

I don't...

- I'm sorry, but that...
- I know, I know. It's all right.

She's... She's gonna be fine.

[sighs]

So, you have a show?

Yes. I have a show.

- I'm performing every night.
- That's good.

That's good. That's what you should
do, lose yourself in your work.

Keep your mind off it.

The club's actually called "The
Boston." I mean... [chuckles]

...in Manhattan. What
are... What are the chances?

I think the owner's
from the North Shore.

Are you all right?

Yeah. I mean... you know.

I never told you this.

Your mother and I wanted to,
but I... I kept putting it off.

- What, Dad?
- I was married...

- before your mother.
- What?

I...

It was just for a couple
of months... like a month.

It was a mistake. We both
knew it was a mistake,

but... my mom had just died.

I was looking for stability...

Any stability... And I made a mistake.

So...

I've been there.

My son. My son.

[sobbing]

Gee, I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm sorry. [sniffles]

I'm sorry.

Two for one, Boston Comedy Club.

Two for one, great all-headliner show.

[sighs]

Great live comedy. Thank you.

Great live comedy. Thanks.

So, I like to eat food. We're
not that different, you and I.

[laughter]

I, uh, I have a lot
of opinions about it.

For example, don't you think any pizza

can be a personal one if
you cry while you eat it?

[laughter]

I... I've lived here a couple of years.

I'm still getting used to it.

I've learned to like
it in a lot of ways.

It's a great city if
you're into struggle.

To me, it feels like everyone in the

city is an involuntary contestant

in a reality show called
So You Think You Can Exist?

And then every day
you just pop your head

out of a little box you're assigned,

and the city just hurls
experiences at your face.

It's basically just like,
"Are you gonna break today?"

All right. We're gonna
keep the show moving.

You're gonna love your next comic.

We're lucky to have him here.

Please give it up for Jason Webber.

- [applause]
- [mutters] Oh shit.

What's up, fuckers?

- What's up?
- You're next.

- No.
- What's wrong?

- Those are my parents.
- I just left the corner store.

Some chick in there,
half-top, big fake titties.

I can't help but look at
'em. She got mad at me,

she goes, "What are you looking at?"

I was like, "What am I looking at?"

"If I stuff a balloon in my
pants and paint a bullseye on it,"

"you might take a second
fucking peekaboo."

- [laughter]
- "I'm looking at you, shotgun titties!"

"What do you think I'm looking at?"

And speaking of pussy,

women, you don't have to
shave your pussy entirely.

Leave a little something, otherwise it

just feels like another
part of the thigh.

If I'm going into a rough
neighborhood, I wanna know it!

Oh boy.

Jason: Do you ever lose your
own erection while jerking off

and then you think, "I
don't know if it's the blow"

"or my inability to sustain
an emotional relationship,"

"but I can't get anything to come out."

You know, you're like, "Yeah, yeah."

"Nothing but dust coming out!"

"Cha-cha-cha!" [grunting]

Am I right, sir? Ma'am?

A-bang! Ba-bang! Ba-bang!

Good night, fuckers! Good night!

[applause]

Jason Webber! [chuckles]

I don't know if it's safe to touch this.

[laughter]

All right! Your next
comic, another delight,

Please welcome Mr. Pete Holmes!

- Yay!
- [applause]

Thanks very much. Keep it going for...

Well, let's begin it again for Anaya.

[applause]

I know it's... it's been a long

show. Thanks so much for staying.

Some of you are excited, like,
"Look, it's lesbian Val Kilmer!"

[scattered laughs]

"There he is,
the bi-curious worst Batman."

I bought a paper shredder. I love it.

I shred everything...
Receipts, the manual.

I just plugged in the
shredder, put in the manual,

like, "If this doesn't
shred, I'll read it."

I had to go upstate recently,

and I saw my favorite road sign,

sometimes you see next
to a mountain or a cliff.

It's the one that says,
"Caution: Falling Rocks."

Have you seen that one?
That's my favorite because...

what are we supposed to do?

Slow down? Speed up?

It's like, "Nah, just brace yourself."

- Hey.
- Dad: Hey.

It was very good. It was very good.

I can't believe you came.

Ah, it's all right.
We... we couldn't sleep.

We... we haven't been
out this late since...

I don't know... Maybe... ever.

And what did you think, Mama?

I'm sorry some of the
other guys were dirty,

but it's not always like that.

Well, it was... you know.

I didn't get everything you said.

Like what?

Like "lesbian Val Kilmer."

You look like Val
Kilmer... I get that...

But what's the lesbian part?

Do lesbians look a certain way?

- Well...
- Can you even say that?

[mutters]

I mean, aren't all kinds of
different people lesbians?

Yeah. Mostly women.

I... I know. I'm just making jokes.

They're just jokes. Jokes.
The lighter side of...

- Well, but...
- Yeah.

I didn't really learn
anything about you.

Where was the perspective?
The other guy, he was dirty,

but at least he had a point of view.

"Sex can be a difficult thing."

I got a very clear picture
of what he's struggling with.

I'm so... You like Jason?

Who... He slapped that stool
with his microphone-penis.

Sweetheart, you were up there
talking about road signs.

Is that how you wanna spend your life?

Talking about road signs?

Uh, it's... It's observational.

It's... you know, it makes people happy.

Well, you want to make
people happy, darling?

Remind them of your faith.

- This is a distraction.
- This isn't a distraction.

- This is my life.
- You're losing your marriage for this?

- This is no kind of life!
- Yes, it is.

This... this is comedy.
This is what I want to do.

Honey, how will you survive?

Rita, come on. He's fine.

Let's go to bed.

- Good night, son.
- Night, Pop.

- Oh...
-

Good night, dear.

- Good night.
- Love you, son.

Love you, Pop.

Thanks for coming, tonight.

- [jazz music playing]
- It means a lot.

Well, you needed help.

I care about you.

Yeah. Enough to call me on my bullshit.

Breakups are hard...
especially with your mom.

[chuckles]

She'll find somebody new. Maybe my dad.

I mean, he's... right there.

I don't think he's interested.

Maybe if she dressed
like Ted Williams...

- [chuckles]
- ...then he'd really have it for her.

I'm proud of you for doing it.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[scoffs] So small.

I'm sorry things are going well for me,

and they're rough for you right now.

- I'm doing okay, actually.
- Yeah?

Yeah, honestly. I have no money,

but... I'm kind of having
the best time of my life.

Well, that's great!

Yeah.

- That is great.
- Yeah.

You know what I really miss?

- Hmm?
- Doors.

Oh yeah? You don't have a door?

You don't know... Until
you live without doors...

- How great doors are.
- [laughs] Yeah?

Oh, I'd kill for a door.

- If it had a lock...
- No.

Oh my God. I go in a bathroom
just to close the door

and just be like, "Oh, the click."

- [laughs]
- [moans]

[jazz music playing]

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www.addic7ed.com

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