All language subtitles for Count Arthur Strong s01e01 Memory Man.eng

Well, what a lovely looking bunch
you are. What a lovely looking lot.

You'll like this.
I usually like to sleep in the nude.

Which is usually absolutely fine,
apart from on those long flights.

'I went to the doctor the other day,
I said,

'I need something for persistent
wind.

'He gave me a kite.'

I didn't know my father. He was
someone who dropped by on weekends.

Some weekends.

There are literally millions
of people out there better

qualified to write a book about him.

Can't you get me out of it?

I could make some calls, if you're
willing to give back the advance.

Er... No.

Who's this?

That, my love, is Arthur Strong,
your father's old comedy partner.

Dad was in a double act?
You see, I didn't even know that.

You just need to research your dad's
life as you would with

anything else. You say you didn't
know him. This man did, for a start.

He might have a story to tell.

BUZZER

GLASS SMASHES

You rang the bell.
I did. Arthur Strong?

I've broken a plate because of you.
Sorry. I'm Michael Baker.

That was dishwasher-safe,
that was.

Sorry about that.
Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.

Come on in then, I've unplugged it.
Unplugged? There it is. There it is.

It's never worked properly,
the bloody thing.

What is it? What do you mean,
what is it?

Just, what is it?

There is really no other way of
saying it. I don't know what it is.

It's a foot spa. Oh, right. You know,
a spa for your feet.

You know what a spa is, don't you?

It's where you go to relax, and have
towel dressing gowns and a bar.

It's like that,
except your feet go to it.

And there's no bar.

How are you going to fix it if you
don't know what it is? How does that work?

Sorry, I think...
I'm Michael Baker, Max Baker's boy.

Oh, what does he want?
Sent you round to apologise, has he?

Couldn't face me in person?

Just like him, mean-spirited, nasty
little man. No, Arthur, he's dead.

Is he? It wasn't me,
if that's why you've come round.

We got on like a house on fire.
Shouldn't you have a warrant?

I'm Michael, I'm his son.
And they've put you on the case?!

That's rather unorthodox. I'm not
a policeman. I'm just his son.

You're little Michael!
So you remember me? We've met?

We did indeed. Last time I saw you,
you burst into tears and urinated.

Really? I hope you've put that
sort of thing behind you. Yes.

That was the old me.

I'm not clearing all that up, you can
get that straight right now.

No, no. I'm a fully grown man now.

That doesn't make any difference,
you see them going behind Tesco's

when the pubs chuck out. Was in the
papers. I don't really want to...

I don't care what your excuse is,
if you need to go,

you go on the toilet in this
house like everybody else does.

Or in the shower
if you can't get out fast enough.

Here. What is this? For the toilet.
I don't need the toilet.

Why would I need these?

Obviously to conceal any
incidental noise one might

make in the execution
of an unexpected bombing mission.

Could I take you out for lunch? I'd
love to talk to you about something.

I tell you what,
I'd love a bit of lunch

and to talk to you about something.

Great. Grab the foot spa.

I'll just put me trousers on!

?2.60, and a tip, yes? For service.
What? The service was good, yes?

Was there a problem with
the service? Not at all.

So there is no change.
This is the tip, the tip is 40p.

Of course. Thank you very much,
goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye.

Actually, I'm an author. I thought
your name was Michael. It is.

I'm an Arthur. Arthur Strong. Oh! No,
no. I'm an author. I'm an Arthur?

What are you talking about?

I've been asked
if I will write a book about my dad.

Biography, memoir,
sort of thing. Oh, what?

What do you want? Good afternoon.

One of your all-day breakfasts,
please.

I don't know why, but number one
seems to be beckoning me today.

Number one, please, with fried bread
and baked beans. So number four?

Yes, you can
do it that way as well. Yes.

Katya, my Polish princess.
Hello, Arthur!

Katya, what have I told you about
wearing eye shadow in my presence?

If you're not careful, I'll end up
chasing you around that table.

I shall let you catch me if you're
not careful. Ho-ho! Oh, dear.

Ha-ha-ha.

Then what?

Yes? Nothing for me, thanks.

Just a cup of tea. Two teas. What?

I don't know, I was only going to
have one. Are you having two teas?

What? Do you want two teas?
They must be doing an offer.

Buy one, get one free or something.
Two teas? No. Just one tea.

Sorry.

I have a foot spa.

I tell you what,
I will have two teas.

Go on then, I'll support your new
enterprise. Two teas.

So, you wanted to meet me
because we both have the same name.

We don't have the same name.
My name is Michael.

I'm an au... I'm a writer.
Oh, a writer, eh? Ho-ho-ho!

And what books have you Arthured?

Sorry! What books have you Michaeled?

ARTHURED! AUTHORED!

I don't think you've probably
heard of it. Go on, try me.

Well, my best-known work is called

Museums: Their Conscience,
Our Conscience.

The Daily Telegraph
described my attention to

detail as bordering on the anal.

Is that a good thing? I chose to take
it as a good thing, yes.

So how come your dad was a funny man,
some might say?

And you went on to write books
about anal museums?

I don't really know.
To be honest, Arthur,

Dad and I never really saw
eye to eye.

A-ha! So you want me to help you put
the boot in. Is that it? Hatchet job.

It mustn't be a hatchet job,
I just want the truth.

That's why it's important
for me to fill

the gaps about the years that
you worked together.

Not looking to settle any scores.

Working with your father was a bloody
nightmare from beginning to end.

Ha-ha! Great.

All right, John? Have you heard about
the teas offer? What teas offer?

Bulent's doing a special offer, two
teas for the price of one. Is he?

That's what he told me.
I'm having two.

All right? Can I have two teas?
Two teas.

There's a service for friends and
family tomorrow, if you're about.

Tomorrow? That is very inconvenient.
Are you sure? Quite sure.

I shall have to move some
things around.

Eggy! Eggy! You owe me a pound.

You owe me a pound.

I owe you a pound,
don't I, Arthur? Yes, you do.

Don't you try and wriggle out of it.

GLASS SMASHES

THEY CHEER

Arthur, are you going to Kempton
tomorrow? Are you going to Kempton?

You, when is Max's party? Tomorrow.

It's not a party, it's more of a
remembrance thing because he's dead.

That is very inconvenient. I was
looking forward to going to Kempton.

You've only just heard about it.

You can look forward to things
you've only just heard about.

Like if you turn on the telly,

and they say the Hairy Bikers
is just finishing.

No, no, no. I won't be coming.
Two teas. Thank you very much.

Although, thinking about it, Bulent,

they shouldn't both come at the same
time. One of them will go cold.

How else would I bring them?
I don't know. Why are you asking me?

It is your initiative, isn't it?
How do people normally have them?

Every day, this. Every day.

The special offer! What special
offer? There is no special offer.

I think that's my tea.

Do you know, it strikes me

you've begun this enterprise
in a very cavalier fashion.

It's a right shambles. Just leave it.
I will have them both at once.

I'm getting a little bit fed up
with this now. Every day.

He's not thought that through,
has he? I think that's my tea.

Oh! Sorry.

These napkins are useless. Look at
them. He's a tight sod, Bulent.

There are barely big enough
to wipe your bottom on.

It's a heck of a job.

I tell you what,
you should come back to mine after.

I've got some old photos
from those days.

I expect you will
want to see my Memory Man act.

I do this thing where
I remember things.

I've got an extraordinary memory.

Birthdays, anniversaries,
Christmases. You name it.

I can remember it.
There you go, Arthur.

?1. What's that for?

He's actually kind of amazing.

You're right,
he's just what the book needs.

Get through all this crap about Dad,
get to the truth.

Do be careful it doesn't
turn into a hatchet job.

Why does everybody say that?

And you've invited him
to the remembrance service?

He sounds like the kind of person
who might ruin it.

Really? That thought hadn't
occurred to me at all.

At the same time? What the flip?

You asked for two teas,
I bring them.

I didn't know
they'd come at the same time.

That's what I said to him.
He's not thought that through.

What's the point of two teas
at the same time?

I don't know. Don't ask me.
Don't interrogate me.

I'm the one that is trying to make
some sense of the whole affair.

What have you got here? A foot spa.
Top of the range. Are you interested?

What are you asking?
?11 to a friend.

I tell you something,
it's like you're walking on air

when your feet come out of that.

There is a lot of nonsense
talked about water and electricity

and plastic not going together.
I'd like to try it first.

Slip your shoes and socks off.
Here, where's a socket?

Don't tell Bulent, he'll try
and charge us for the electric.

Tight sod. I'll get some water
for it.

I'm feeling really positive,
actually. Things are looking up.

Oh, it's you. Don't need to get up, I
just want the sink for the foot spa.

You finish.

Might be getting shot of the bloody
thing at last.

Things are looking up.

You all right?

Yes, sorry, you don't...
It's none of my business,

but you don't need
the apostrophe in chips.

What? There's an apostrophe
in chips, and you don't need it.

It's plural. Oh, well, that's
my brother's department. BULENT!

Oh, God, no! Please don't.

You should say something,
he'd appreciate it. Really?

Yes, he'd want to get it right.
He'll thank you.

What? You got the sign wrong.
Well, not wrong, just... Hi.

It's just chips here has an
apostrophe, and you don't need it.

It's a plural so you don't need it.
That's all. It's not a big thing.

Oh, I see. So there is no need
for this thing before the S? No.

Oh, thank you so much! I am
so embarrassed. You shouldn't be.

All too common mistake.
No, I am really embarrassed.

In fact,
why don't you run the cafe? Sorry?

Here. Take this.

Now you can write the sign
and do the cleaning and cooking

and dealing with all the things
I have to deal with every

day of my miserable life in this
place where there ain't no sun!

I don't want to run a cafe.

I have an announcement. This man is
the new owner of the cafe.

What's your name?
It's Michael. Michael.

Everyone, say hello to Michael.

ALL: Hello, Michael.

Can I have a number four,
please, Michael? No eggs.

That's a number three!

I'm not the new owner. It's just
plurals don't need apostrophes.

What's that smell?

Do you smell that? What is that?

FOOT SPA BUBBLES

I can feel a tingling sensation.

See? It's like having your feet
in an angel.

What is this?!

I'll be with you in a moment, Bulent.

We are conducting
a business transaction.

Get me another two teas.

Sorry, John. Make that four teas.

METAL CLANGING

CLANGING STOPS

SINGLE LOUD CLANG

TOILET FLUSHES

I'll leave all this here
if you need it.

Thank you.

I can't believe you have
this publicity shot.

Oh, you know that one, then?
I certainly do.

He gave it to me
for my 13th birthday.

Signed like this and everything.
Didn't even put my name on it.

I'd forgotten about that, actually.
It's a good one for the book.

You ready, then?

Well, that depends.

What's going to happen?

My Memory Man act.

Oh, right. Yes. It's just...
This is why we broke up.

I wanted to take the act
in an exciting new direction

and your father wasn't having it.

Hang on, the light's not right.
Switch that one off there, will you?

Welcome, stranger. I am
Count Arthur Strong, the Memory Man.

And I can remember things that other
people have...real difficulty with.

My brain is an extraordinary,
um...organ, isn't it?

I'm sure you'll agree
you'll have never seen, um,

an organ like the one I've got.

Many scholars have tested
and prodded it,

trying to find out
just what is going on with me.

I simply am an amazing...

organ.

How are such feats of memory
possible? Is he human?

Now, you, um...

Michael?

Michael. I know!

Now, you, Michael, get to be
as confused and disoriented

as those selfsame scholars.

I have here a pen
and a piece of paper.

I want you to write down
on that piece of paper

99 single-digit numbers of your
own choice in a random proportion.

99? No more, no less.

That's going to take forever. Better
get on with it then, hadn't you?

I'm not sure this act
would particularly work.

People would be sitting in silence
for ages. Oh, shut up, Max.

Michael. Well, start acting
like a Michael, then,

and a little bit less
like a clever dick.

Right, that's 99, I think.

ARTHUR SNORES

Arthur?

Arthur! Wha...? Oh, it's mine.

In a moment, I will ask you
to turn the paper round

so that I can commit
all 99 numbers to memory

in the arbitrary sequence what
you have written them down in.

I will then reiterate to you
your numerical string.

Now, reveal to me
the number conundrum.

Oh. Oh, dear. Hang on a second.

That's better.
Bloody pitch black it was until then.

How am I supposed to...

This bloody thing, isn't it? Eh?

GLASS BREAKS, WATER SPLASHES

Oh, no!

It's all right. I've had him
out for ten minutes before.

Arthur, please come tomorrow.

No, no, I've got Kempton.

You'd be able to
maybe say a few things.

Eh? There'll be
quite a few people there.

What, more than, like, six?
A proper audience?

Proper audience.

You'd be able to share
all your thoughts about Dad,

really give it to him.
A proper send-off, that is.

I'll think about it.

Now shut up while I do this.

Ahem-hem-hem.

Eight, seven, six, four, three,
two, seven, five, five, seven, one,

five, five, seven, oh, seven,
four, zero...

TALKS GIBBERISH

Ooh!

Oo-oo-ooh!

The numbers you selected were,
in chronological order,

were two... No.

What? The first one's not two.

Is it nine? No.

One? No.

Is it seven? No.

You can't have numbers like 11
and 12, if that's what you're doing.

They're all single digits,
like you said.

Eight. No.

Four. No. Shall I tell you?

No! Some Memory Man act that would be

if you just told me
what you'd bloody well written down.

There's a skill to this, you know.
It's not as easy as I make it look.

What numbers haven't I said yet?

THREE, five, six and zero.

Zero. No.

Six. No. What were the other ones?

THREE...and five.

Five! No!

Three! Correct! Hurray!

That's some act!

Oh, it's not over yet. Next number.

Is it three again? No! Oh...

Dad hated this, right? Yes.

Well, he won't be there tomorrow.

All right, I'll come with you. Great.

Eight! No. Oh.

But who was Max Baker really?

We all knew he was a funny man
and life and soul of the party,

but no matter how busy he was,
he always had time for his family.

We all had great respect
for him for his comedy

and he could steal a joke
as well as anybody I knew.

LAUGHTER

And if there is a heaven,
I believe Max is there at the bar

waiting for somebody
to get a round in.

Thank you.

The bloody thing will be over
by the time we get in here.

But Arthur, I cannot eat solids.

Maybe there's soup. Excellent,
excellent! Ah, everyone's here.

You know Katya, John, Eggy. Hey up.

Do you have soup? Soup? No.

What kind of memorial
doesn't have soup?

I would say every memorial
doesn't have soup.

But I cannot eat solids.

Well, have a sandwich. Chew it until
it's liquid, and then swallow it.

Make your own soup in your mouth.

Arthur, you are OK to say a
few words still, aren't you?

What, about Max? You bet your life.

Great. Great. Bring it on. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is exciting,

a bit of a change to the programme.
Max's former comedy partner,

a man I haven't seen for
over a quarter of a century,

ladies and gentlemen,
Count Arthur Strong!

Thank you. Thank you for
that warm welcome. I really do.

So, what can I tell you
about the late Max Baker?

Well, I for one...

uh, will miss him dreadfully.

He was a lovely man,
always a kind word for everyone.

That's what I remember about him.

The life and soul of the party,
but also a real family man.

Oh, and here, this picture.
I was there when he got those shots.

I thought there was something funny
because I wasn't in any of them.

Do you know, he was so excited
when they got those photographs,

I'll never forget it.
He came to the dressing room.

He took the top one out,
signed it, put it to one side

and said,
"That's for little Michael."

CROWD: Aw!

But enough of me. Anyway,

let's hear from the little man
himself, Max's pride and joy,

my new best friend, Michael Baker.

APPLAUSE

Uh, thank you, Arthur.
Thank you, Barry.

What to, uh...

What to, what to say about my, uh...

HIS VOICE CRACKS
..about my dad?

Sorry...

Sorry.

HE SOBS

Have you got a handkerchief
or something, please?

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

Eugh! Urgh!

Haven't you got anything bigger?

Ah, no, no!

DISGUSTED MURMURINGS

It really is just going through,
Arthur. It's just going through.

LOUD HONKING

HE WAILS
This is embarrassing!

Arthur, it's like
sneezing into a Battenberg!

I feel like The Exorcist!

Oh, what a lovely speech.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Baker.

And now, in a change to
the scheduled running order,

journey with me
to the mystic world of memory

as I, Count Arthur Strong...

CROCKERY SHATTERS

SHE CHOKES

Katya!

What do I do?
Give her the Heimlichan manoeuvre!

What is that? How do you do it?

You sort of punch her in the stomach
from behind, in a nice way.

Katya, this is Michael
doing this to you,

should you wish to press charges.

FABRIC TEARS

Oh, God!

What do I do now?

Don't put her down! What do I do?

SIREN WAILS

KATYA GROANS

Could someone rub my foot?

Why didn't you tell me that? What?

About my dad? About the photo?

Oh, yes,
he never stopped talking about you.

It was Michael this, Michael that.

You know, he always had your picture
on his dressing room mirror.

He would tap it for luck
before he went on stage.

Why didn't you tell me?

Can't remember everything.

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