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Con Man - Episode 5 - "Baby Boom"
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sync and corrections by sadako415 www.addic7ed.com
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Oh, my god!
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Oh my god! Stand back!
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- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
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You fell...
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You fell!
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Hello.
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Do I know you?
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I... I'm Wray.
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Louise.
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Are you here for the convention?
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Yes. Yes, I am.
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- Me too. - Really?
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I got in last night.
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I needed a new key.
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Why are these babies so much quieter than their mothers?
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Cuz most of them are asleep. Shh...
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She...
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Is breastfeeding?
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Now I know where powdered milk comes from.
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Cuz she's old... it's dust.
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I adopted a little girl this morning.
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She's asleep, upstairs.
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You did?
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That's huge!
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My gosh!
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By yourself? Or is there a mister...
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No, it's just me and Isabelle.
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Oh, my gosh!
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So beautiful!
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Thank you. You want to say hello?
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- Say hello. - Mother what a doll.
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- Holy shit, that's an actual doll! - Stop that!
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Watch your mouth, you son of a bitch!
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You alright? Are you alright?
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I think they're all dolls.
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You said you were here with the convention.
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There is a doll convention?
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I'm in the wrong hotel.
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No, I'm in the right hotel.
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You're here for the sci-fi convention?
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And you're judging...
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- Us? - Wait...
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So Isabelle...
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Your baby...
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Is a doll?
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She's as real as my feelings for her.
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That's creepy weird.
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- You're rude! - Come on...
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Sci-fi fans have a sense of humor.
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You should too. Seriously!
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Two years ago, a kitchen fire
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claimed the life of my baby boy.
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And a doctor said that I should adopt Isabelle
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as a therapeutic way of healing.
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Seriously!
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But that's what I'm talking about. I'm saying that laughter is a healing force.
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For... for good.
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Oh, god! Come on!
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So... sorry! I'm so sorry!
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- That is... obviously your fault! - I'm so sorry.
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Sign's crooked. Get down!
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Close the ladder. We've gotta open the doors. Let's go people!
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Let's go!
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How's your room?
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- It's not great. - Good!
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They had you in a suite and then I moved you to a junior economy.
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And they paid the difference in cash.
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You know, Bobbie... most bookers...
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- Negotiate up. - I am! I'm up $100, Wray.
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Cosplay judging in 5 minutes?
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Hey...
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Hey, hey! Don't flash the cash!
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What the... people are gonna think that I'm bribing a judge!
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Wait a sec... You're competing...
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In the cosplay contest?
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No, Wray...
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I'm only dressed like this for nothing!
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I am Kakekoke Kakekokekai.
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Yes, the Japanime ninja school girl in the show "Death Haii".
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I don't know, I'm getting Japanime ninja...
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Lunch lady.
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- You know what, be careful. - Alright.
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- Where... where the hell are we, Bobbie? - I don't know!
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But you better vote for me!
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I'm going sexy, and what, the other two judges are gay.
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Meeting with Ron Slackskin?
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Who's that?
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Huh, I should have dressed as Norman Reedus.
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Wait a second! Ron Slackskin, he's the guy with the action figure!
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I'm finally getting an action figure! Have you seen it?
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Come on, you can say, does it look like me?
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- I don't know! What's the difference? - If it doesn't...
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- If it doesn't look like me, I'm not signing it. - Oh really?
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- Yeah. - Okay. You know what, this is a lot of money.
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And 15% of it is mine.
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So, why don't you wait here and someone will call ya.
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Where are the rest of the judges?
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I don't know. They probably got stalled by those crazy doll bitches.
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- That's rude. - Oh, Wray! They're freaks.
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I'm gonna go get my sword and I'm gonna lube my haunches.
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Why is it that all theaters smell vaguely
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like must in mattresses with gypsy ejaculate?
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- Good lord... - Leslie... Leslie Jordan?
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Wray...
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- Nerely! - Yes.
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Oh, I'm a huge fan!
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I love Spectrum!
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Really? Wow, well, I'm a huge fan of yours!
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I've never seen you at one of these things.
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Well, I just booked my first superhero movie.
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So I'm gonna... I'm gonna start coming to these things!
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- Well, congratulations! - Yeah, I can't really talk much about the movie, now.
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But umm... I've been hired to play a mad scientist.
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But I think, I'm gonna play a little bit more like a fussbudget.
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- Like... a fussbudget scientist? - Yeah.
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- Whoops. Hiya! - Hi.
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- I think I'm lost. - And now you're found.
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Whoo girlfriend! You sparkle like a stripper's ass!
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See, I... I as a gay man, I can appreciate females nonsexually.
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Look at that!
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- I love Spectrum! - Oh, Wray...
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- He's gay too. Get on this, Wray. - No, no, not gay.
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Don't want to get in on that. Stop it, stop it, stop it!
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Hey, why don't you come over here? I think you're supposed to be lined up...
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Sir? I think you're supposed to be lining up over there.
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Uh, people, hey...
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Oh yeah, sweetheart, you're in the wrong spot. Come with me.
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- Bye. - Bye, nice to meet you.
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- Are you gay? - Are you?
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I'm invoking the...
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Straight guy code of secrecy.
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You don't even know the handshake?
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- There's a handshake? - Quick, what kind of underpants you got on?
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I don't know, they're...
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They're tight. They're white. I bought them in a bag of 50.
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Oh, you... are...
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Straight!
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I too am straight.
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The gay thing, it's an act to bring in the ladies!
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- Yeah, oh, what? - There's a breed of woman
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that my perceived homosexuality ensnares every time.
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Conservative
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cougar.
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- Wow. - Conservatives say...
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That homosexuality is a choice.
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They know that's corrosive black lie!
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In their heart of hearts...
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The truth faintly beats out.
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A little SOS says
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"Help me, Leslie Jordan.
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I'm a shell. Oh, I'm hollowed out".
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Do you know what I fill that emptiness with?
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- Love. - My big dick.
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First...
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I lie. I say sexuality is a choice.
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"My goodness, you're right. You've got me!"
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But now I'm choosing differently and I choose you, you sexy bitch!
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It backs up their whole warped world view.
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They surrender to me, Wray.
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Like I am their savior.
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I do butt stuff.
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Whatever I want.
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You do butt stuff?
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Umm... you know, I don't know the definition of butt...
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Stuff.
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Don't you say a word.
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- Zip it! Oh, hey, hey! - Hey, you guys.
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- Leslie! - Hey, how are you?
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- Good. - Good, it's good.
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Hi, I'm... I'm... I'm...
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- I'm Wray. - I'm Sean.
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- Oh yup, you guys don't know each other? - No, no.
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I mean I know what you're from. You're from "Serenity". It was a great tv show.
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I haven't seen it. I saw some clips. It's good stuff.
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Oh, right. Well... "Serenity" was the movie.
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The television show was "Firefly".
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- It was? That's good stuff. - Yeah. Hmm.
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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Ex-Con.
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The most extreme con in condom.
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Give our judges a very Ex-Con welcome!
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- Judges! - Leslie!
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Judges, give me a wink when you're ready to start.
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Leslie? Got it.
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Wray?
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Got it.
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Sean? Love it.
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Alright, let's get started right away!
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Yo! Master Chief!
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Awesome!
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Kekokekokekokei!
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She's sexy!
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- What? Who? - Her. She's sexy!
195
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Like a...
196
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Rock formation can be sexy. Or...
197
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Leather furniture.
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That's my convention booker.
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There's nothing conventional about her!
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She's so agile. Like a...
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Greasy sexy rat!
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Like a dark squirrel!
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He is sexy!
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What?
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Hot!
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Like a meat stew.
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From swamp...
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Like a hot old meaty swamp.
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What are you looking... What are you looking at?
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That is not a he. That's a she.
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- Her name is Bobbie. - So violent.
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That's so embarrassing! Please don't tell her I said that.
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Alright, I won't.
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I love transgender people.
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They are the most courageous people in the whole world.
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Well, she's not.
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Courageous?
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When have you ever had to fight for who you are?
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Check yourself!
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Courage makes my junk pop.
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Oh, my. Here comes the big finale.
222
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Oh, my god!
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Ladies and gentlemen. You've seen it here!
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- Hello... beautiful. - Hello... beautiful.
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The Ex-Con is extreme!
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