Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:05,280
Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
2
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:07,640
the capital of British Pakistan.
3
00:00:14,153 --> 00:00:15,460
They all know me.
4
00:00:15,460 --> 00:00:16,940
Do you like my suit?
5
00:00:18,137 --> 00:00:20,000
Number one, Citizen Khan.
6
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,040
Once upon a Christmas time
in Sparkhill...
7
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:33,000
..there lived a young Pakistani man
named Mr Khan.
8
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:36,360
As well as being handsome
9
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,120
and frequently mistaken
for George Clooneys,
10
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:42,680
Mr Khan was a cheerful
sort of fellow.
11
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:47,560
But this particular Christmas, he
was feeling a bit down in the dumps.
12
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,320
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
13
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,760
Merry Christmas!
14
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,040
Merry Christmas, Mr Khan!
15
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,717
I'm not a community leader
and nobody knows me.
16
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,520
Hm, there's something not right
with Mr Khan.
17
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,600
Mr Khan? Yes.
18
00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,600
You know, beard, glasses...
BLUE STAR HOIKS
19
00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,332
Oh, Mr Khan.
20
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,520
So what do you think
is wrong with him, then?
21
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:25,920
Well, if you ask me,
22
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:29,200
it all goes back to when
he first moved to Sparkhill.
23
00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,200
The year was 1989,
24
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,880
when Band Aid were top
of the Christmas charts again.
25
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:42,160
A flight to Pakistan cost only ?149.
26
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:45,600
?199 if you wanted an actual seat.
27
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,760
And the world was Mr Khan's oyster.
28
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,240
Hello, Keith!
29
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,040
Hang on...
30
00:01:58,040 --> 00:01:59,560
You'll like this.
31
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,640
Salman, I like him, Mr Khan.
32
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,200
What? Salman, I like him.
33
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:10,200
Salman who? Salman Rushdie?
34
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:11,800
No. No.
35
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,120
Isn't that what you Muslims say?
No.
36
00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,720
What do you say, then?
I need a briefcase, Keith.
37
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,040
Oh, right.
38
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,120
No. I don't plan on staying in
Sparkhill for ever.
39
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,600
Oh, no.
40
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,320
I've got big dreams, ambitions.
41
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,600
I'm going to be somebody,
like Robert Maxwell.
42
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,996
Whatever he can do,
I can do, too, eh?
43
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,880
What about this, Mr Khan?
44
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,400
It's got a vinyl finish, lots of
space for important documents.
45
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,600
No, no, no, no.
46
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,040
I need something that says
I'm a proper businessman,
47
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,960
a mover, a shaker, huh?
48
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,640
I'm Mr Khan, they'll all know me.
49
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,440
How about this?
50
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,280
Executive briefcase,
51
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,240
genuine leather, combination locks,
brass finish.
52
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,800
Not bad, huh?
53
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,640
How much? No charge.
54
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:02,720
I can't afford that!
Hang on...
55
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:04,200
What did you say?
56
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,640
Call it a wedding present.
57
00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,440
Ha-ha! Thank you, Keith!
58
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,920
Oh, yes.
59
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:13,507
I'll get my name on it,
huh, in gold letters.
60
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,200
That is extra.
61
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,200
Very generous of you, Keithy.
62
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:23,160
I suppose, now you're married, Mrs
Khan will want a place of her own?
63
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,600
Oh, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith...
64
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:29,240
I promised her father
I'll keep her safe and warm
65
00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:31,040
with a roof over her head.
66
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,160
You get all that in a flat
above a chip shop.
67
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,840
Ah, no mortgage, no ties.
68
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,280
Apart from this one, hey?
69
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,320
I still can't believe
we own our own home.
70
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:49,784
Yes, I'll do all the DIYs, huh?
71
00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:51,560
Make this a home.
72
00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:55,940
Our home.
73
00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:58,480
Ah, just the two of us.
74
00:03:58,480 --> 00:03:59,502
Erm...
75
00:04:00,060 --> 00:04:01,900
The three of us. Hey?
76
00:04:04,540 --> 00:04:06,340
Toilet not work.
77
00:04:06,340 --> 00:04:08,260
Oh, I'd forgotten about you.
78
00:04:08,260 --> 00:04:09,940
Ha!
79
00:04:09,940 --> 00:04:13,300
Oh, and I have another bit of news
I need to tell you.
80
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:16,140
Oh, me, too! Welcome, Mr Khan.
81
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:21,020
Welcome, Riaz. Ready?
82
00:04:21,020 --> 00:04:23,780
In a minute. Mrs Khan
has got something to tell me.
83
00:04:23,780 --> 00:04:25,220
You go first.
84
00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:27,780
Well, Riaz as has given me
a tip-off
85
00:04:27,780 --> 00:04:32,260
that Mr Javed is looking for
investors for his new business.
86
00:04:32,260 --> 00:04:34,500
He's going into
the mobile phone business.
87
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,060
What's a mobile phone?
88
00:04:36,060 --> 00:04:36,920
I don't know.
89
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:39,980
Where's my briefcase?
90
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,500
Ah-ha!
91
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:42,780
Here we go.
92
00:04:42,780 --> 00:04:44,100
HE CHUCKLES
93
00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:47,040
How do I look?
Like a proper businessman.
94
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:49,340
Wish me luck. Good luck.
95
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,500
Oh, no, no. Hang on...
96
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,505
What was your news?
I'll tell you later.
97
00:04:54,531 --> 00:04:57,500
No, just tell me now, sweetie.
OK.
98
00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:00,860
I'm going to have a baby.
99
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,700
Ah, ha-ha-ha!
100
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:07,780
That's wonderful, wonderful,
wonderful news!
101
00:05:07,780 --> 00:05:08,480
Oh, no. Hold on.
102
00:05:08,506 --> 00:05:11,540
You need to have something to eat.
Have you eaten? Sit down.
103
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:13,820
Oh, no, you can't sit on there,
but... I'm fine!
104
00:05:13,820 --> 00:05:15,660
Mr Khan, we should go.
105
00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:18,260
Riaz, I am going to be a daddy.
106
00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:20,340
Congratulations. But the Mr Javed.
107
00:05:20,340 --> 00:05:22,200
Forget Mr Javed.
108
00:05:22,460 --> 00:05:26,660
I need to make this house
a palace fit for my family.
109
00:05:33,260 --> 00:05:38,140
Nine months later, Mr Khan's
dream house was taking shape.
110
00:05:38,140 --> 00:05:41,380
Even if his business career,
just like Robert Maxwell's,
111
00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:42,900
was about to sink.
112
00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:45,860
So what's this meeting you've got,
then?
113
00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:48,400
I'm about to be a founder member
114
00:05:48,426 --> 00:05:51,980
of the Sparkhill Pakistani
Business Association.
115
00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:54,780
Wow, you're going to be like
one of them yuppies.
116
00:05:54,780 --> 00:05:56,200
Better than that, Keithy.
117
00:05:56,226 --> 00:05:58,740
I'm going to be a Pakistani yuppie.
118
00:05:59,454 --> 00:06:01,114
A "puppie"!
119
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:03,880
Very impressive.
I'm on my way, Keith.
120
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,460
Nothing and no-one can stop me now.
121
00:06:07,460 --> 00:06:09,340
Oh...!
122
00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:11,940
Hospital. Oh, twaddi!
123
00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:13,540
Are you OK?
124
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:18,400
Once again, our handsome young
business mogul
125
00:06:18,426 --> 00:06:20,200
had his plans thwarted.
126
00:06:20,203 --> 00:06:23,000
How would Britain cope
without this man's genius?
127
00:06:23,026 --> 00:06:27,680
But thankfully, four years later,
opportunity knocked again...
128
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:30,660
Thanks for taking me to
the bus station, Riaz. No problem.
129
00:06:30,660 --> 00:06:34,860
I'm going to try and get a meeting
with Mr Alan Sugars.
130
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:38,500
Never heard of him.
He makes rubbish computers.
131
00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,000
The school just called.
132
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:43,380
Shazia has got her head
stuck in the climbing frame.
133
00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,240
And Naani ate beetroot.
134
00:06:46,278 --> 00:06:48,900
Need hospital. Too much gas.
135
00:06:50,340 --> 00:06:51,820
And I'm pregnant again.
136
00:06:54,988 --> 00:06:57,940
Come on.
Come on, here we go.
137
00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:03,580
And so, the handsome Mr Khan
soldiered on
138
00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:07,140
until Christmas Eve, 2016.
139
00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:10,940
When fate, in the unlikely form
of Ginger Dave,
140
00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:13,620
presented him with one more chance.
141
00:07:14,116 --> 00:07:16,420
Merry Christmas, Riaz!
142
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:17,700
Wa'alaikum salaam.
143
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:20,340
I said, Merry Christmas!
144
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:23,060
For the community centre.
Oh...
145
00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:24,220
Oh, the penny drops.
146
00:07:26,754 --> 00:07:30,600
Riaz, when I said the penny drops,
I didn't literally mean a penny.
147
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:34,260
I need the coins for the electric
meter. Oh, no, you don't. Look...
148
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,540
Heh-hey...!
149
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:42,940
Oh.
150
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:45,100
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
151
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:46,900
COINS RATTLE
152
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:49,020
Thank you.
What are you collecting for?
153
00:07:49,020 --> 00:07:52,060
Who cares? Something to do with
the community centre.
154
00:07:52,060 --> 00:07:54,380
New car park, new roof,
I don't know.
155
00:07:54,380 --> 00:07:56,660
I didn't know we needed a new roof.
We don't.
156
00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:02,700
Your eyebrows are moving
up and down.
157
00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:05,340
That's because I'm trying
to tell you something
158
00:08:05,340 --> 00:08:07,900
of a slightly sensitive nature.
Oh.
159
00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:11,620
Listen, Riaz, if I can raise
enough money for this place,
160
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:15,100
they'll have to name it after me.
Oh, that again.
161
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:16,940
Yes, that again.
162
00:08:16,940 --> 00:08:19,260
Why shouldn't it be named after me?
163
00:08:19,260 --> 00:08:22,260
Nowadays, all buildings
are named after someone.
164
00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:25,500
You've got the Burj Khalifa,
named after President Khalifa.
165
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:28,980
St Paul's Cathedral,
named after St Paul.
166
00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:31,940
And Windsor Castle,
named after...Barbara Windsor.
167
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:34,940
Hello, Mr Khan.
168
00:08:34,940 --> 00:08:36,620
Oh, hello, Dave.
169
00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:38,540
Are you going to help me
with my fundraising?
170
00:08:38,540 --> 00:08:41,180
Get the community centre
a new name...new roof!
171
00:08:41,180 --> 00:08:43,180
I'd love to help, but I'm very busy.
172
00:08:43,180 --> 00:08:45,700
We're using the community centre
as a shelter for refugees
173
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,460
over the Christmas period.
174
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,660
We've got a cross-faith committee
175
00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:53,020
led by a rabbi, a priest
and an imam.
176
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,360
Is this some kind of joke?
177
00:08:59,540 --> 00:09:01,940
What's a rabbi doing here?
178
00:09:01,940 --> 00:09:04,540
We don't have anything in common
with these people, Dave.
179
00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:06,420
Apart from snippy-snipping.
180
00:09:09,580 --> 00:09:12,380
This is charity in action, Mr Khan.
181
00:09:12,380 --> 00:09:15,500
Surely, as a fundraiser, you're
in favour of helping refugees.
182
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:16,740
Of course.
183
00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:19,260
I think it's very important
that we welcome in
184
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:22,100
the sad, the desperate
and the disadvantaged.
185
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:24,020
We welcomed you, didn't we?
186
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,280
Anyway, everyone knows
you're only raising money
187
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,940
so you can get the community centre
named after you.
188
00:09:30,940 --> 00:09:33,300
Whereas I am not doing this
for personal recognition.
189
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:36,460
But because, well, as a Muslim,
it's my duty to help those in need.
190
00:09:36,460 --> 00:09:40,500
MOCKINGLY: "As a Muslim,
it's my duty to help those in need."
191
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,260
Although, as it turns out,
192
00:09:42,260 --> 00:09:45,100
I am going to be getting
some recognition, too. What?
193
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:47,940
Our community centre
has been recognised by the Queen.
194
00:09:47,940 --> 00:09:50,980
I'm going to a special Christmas
dinner at Buckingham Palace tomorrow
195
00:09:50,980 --> 00:09:52,140
to receive an award.
196
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,580
The Queen?!
197
00:09:58,660 --> 00:10:00,580
Buckingham Palace?!
198
00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:02,180
An award?!
199
00:10:02,180 --> 00:10:03,660
An award... What for?
200
00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:05,820
Outstanding services
to the community.
201
00:10:05,820 --> 00:10:09,380
Outstanding services
to the community?!
202
00:10:09,380 --> 00:10:10,820
Yes. But... Yes?
203
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:12,420
But... But what?
204
00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:13,660
But that's me!
205
00:10:13,660 --> 00:10:16,340
Mr Khan, I'm community leader,
they all know me.
206
00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:17,460
Mr Khan...
207
00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:19,940
Has this got anything to do with
Prince Harry?
208
00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:20,980
Mr Khan...
209
00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:23,220
I bet it is Prince Harry.
210
00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:26,180
This is a ginger crony conspiracy!
211
00:10:27,984 --> 00:10:28,900
Mr Khan...
212
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:33,820
I'll tell you what, this is nothing
short of an absolute outrage!
213
00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:35,020
Mr Khan! What?
214
00:10:35,020 --> 00:10:36,300
You're invited, too.
215
00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:37,920
What a wonderful gesture.
216
00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:42,260
Merry Christmas.
217
00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:44,700
And a happy Hanukkah-schmonikka
to you, too.
218
00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:51,580
Then the Queen will say,
219
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,020
"How do you do, Mr Khan?"
220
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:57,620
Then I'll say,
"How do you do, Your Majesty?"
221
00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:01,540
Make sure you get a selfie,
then I can put it on Instagram.
222
00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:03,700
and then shell get tagged by
William and Kate
223
00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:05,940
and then, like,
I'll be friends with them.
224
00:11:05,940 --> 00:11:08,540
Ah, sweetie,
225
00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:11,260
the Queen doesn't do "selfies".
226
00:11:11,260 --> 00:11:13,460
She does "onesies".
227
00:11:14,860 --> 00:11:19,680
Imagine, the Queen and me
in a onesie together.
228
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:23,980
Now, that would be something,
wouldn't it? It really would.
229
00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:27,020
Now, I need to create a good
impression. Where's my briefcase?
230
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,300
There you are. Oh, hello, darling.
Have you seen my briefcase?
231
00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:32,780
Well, never mind about that.
You have to go and buy biscuits.
232
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:35,540
Shazia's brought the children round
and we've run out.
233
00:11:35,540 --> 00:11:38,260
We've got lots of biscuits.
Someone ate them all.
234
00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:39,860
I'm sorry.
235
00:11:39,860 --> 00:11:42,360
I didn't realise you rationed them.
236
00:11:44,180 --> 00:11:46,300
I was considering
issuing ration books,
237
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:48,240
but I thought you'd probably
eat those, too!
238
00:11:50,140 --> 00:11:52,540
Just go.
All right, I'll go in a minute.
239
00:11:52,540 --> 00:11:53,980
I need to find my briefcase first.
240
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:56,780
And I need you to help me with the
Christmas dinner tomorrow. Yes, OK.
241
00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:59,100
And at some point, you have to
go over to Mrs Malik's house
242
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:02,640
and unblock her sink. I've got
a large accumulation of fat.
243
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,180
You're not kidding.
244
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,420
Sweetie, you don't understand.
245
00:12:14,420 --> 00:12:16,420
You still haven't put up
the Christmas lights
246
00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:18,220
and I've been asking you to do it
for days.
247
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:19,900
But I got my hands full already.
248
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:23,020
Dad, Amjad's off to work
and I need to feed Little Mo.
249
00:12:23,020 --> 00:12:25,460
Can you change Nadia's nappy?
Oh, twadi!
250
00:12:26,377 --> 00:12:27,737
Is this your briefcase, sir?
251
00:12:30,620 --> 00:12:32,180
No!
252
00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:35,700
This is Grandpa's special case!
253
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,880
You mustn't stop him, Dad.
You'll stifle his creativity.
254
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,760
Well done, Mo. Good boy.
255
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:44,220
What do you need
that old briefcase for, anyway?
256
00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:45,900
It's what I've been trying
to tell you.
257
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:47,820
I've got a special dinner
in London tomorrow.
258
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:51,420
I don't care if you're having dinner
with the Queen of England
259
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:52,780
in Buckingham Palace.
260
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:54,860
Well, it's funny
you should say that...
261
00:12:54,860 --> 00:12:57,780
Tomorrow is Christmas Day
and we need you here.
262
00:12:57,780 --> 00:13:00,620
But the community centre
is getting an award. So what?
263
00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:02,100
So what?!
264
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,100
I've been waiting for this moment
for the past 30 years.
265
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,700
Well, you can't go. But...
266
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:08,780
Stop.
267
00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:11,260
It's Christmas Day and you need
to be here with your family
268
00:13:11,260 --> 00:13:12,760
and that's that.
269
00:13:14,310 --> 00:13:15,350
Right!
270
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:18,340
Fine!
271
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,680
I'll change the crappy nappy!
272
00:13:21,455 --> 00:13:23,980
Then I'll put
the Boxing Christmas lights up!
273
00:13:23,980 --> 00:13:28,580
And then I'll shove my hand
up Mrs Malik's U-bend!
274
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:33,820
Because that's all I'm good for.
275
00:13:33,820 --> 00:13:35,340
All the little jobs.
276
00:13:35,340 --> 00:13:37,620
I'm not a big shot.
277
00:13:37,620 --> 00:13:39,780
I'm not a businessman.
278
00:13:39,780 --> 00:13:42,540
I'm not even a community leader!
279
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,020
I'm just a nobody!
280
00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:51,480
Toilet not working.
281
00:13:56,620 --> 00:13:58,460
Poor Mr Khan.
282
00:13:58,460 --> 00:14:01,980
Instead of going to
Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen,
283
00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:05,220
with his executive briefcase,
284
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:09,800
he had to go to Mr Ali's
Cash And Carry to buy a plunger.
285
00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:17,300
'Proper businessman...
286
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:18,560
'Who was I kidding?'
287
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:24,160
'Stupid briefcase!
288
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:28,860
'I'll never need that ever again.'
289
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:35,980
Oh, twadi!
290
00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:37,900
Oh, help!
291
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:39,380
Help! Oh, God!
292
00:14:39,380 --> 00:14:40,860
No!
293
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:42,180
Argh!
294
00:14:44,540 --> 00:14:45,940
There we are.
295
00:14:45,940 --> 00:14:48,360
All safe and sound.
296
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,540
If you're after my wallet,
you're wasting your time.
297
00:14:55,540 --> 00:14:57,140
I threw it in the canal.
298
00:14:57,140 --> 00:14:59,420
Along with my house keys
and my mobile blooming phone.
299
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:02,180
Of course I'm not.
300
00:15:02,180 --> 00:15:04,300
Do I look like a mugger?
301
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,780
A chugger, then.
You're all after money.
302
00:15:07,780 --> 00:15:10,380
Don't be such a silly, Mr Khan.
303
00:15:10,380 --> 00:15:12,020
You know who I am?
304
00:15:12,020 --> 00:15:14,620
Of course I do. You're my mission.
305
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:19,360
I was sent by a higher power
to help you.
306
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,620
Oh, not Reverend Green, who knocks
on our door every Christmas!
307
00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:24,620
Higher than that.
308
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:31,060
Look, Mrs... Whoever you are.
309
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,260
Well, I suppose you could call me...
310
00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:34,920
Angel-a.
311
00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:37,980
Right.
312
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,940
Or Angel-ena.
313
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:43,340
Or Angel-ica.
314
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:45,300
I'm saying...
315
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,620
I'm an angel.
316
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,700
You know, from heaven.
317
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,100
OK.
318
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,780
Obviously,
I'm not actually an angel.
319
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,340
Obviously.
320
00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:57,900
I mean, I haven't got my wings yet.
321
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:01,420
Well, it's been lovely
chitty-chatting, but I have to go.
322
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:03,460
No! Don't do it.
323
00:16:03,460 --> 00:16:06,380
You've got so much to live for.
What?
324
00:16:06,380 --> 00:16:08,820
You were going to jump in the canal.
No, I wasn't.
325
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,020
I'm trying to get my briefcase back.
326
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:13,980
But I might as well jump into the
canal. What difference does it make?
327
00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:16,380
Oh, how can you say that?
328
00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:18,620
Every life has meaning.
329
00:16:18,620 --> 00:16:21,380
Not mine.
I wanted to be somebody.
330
00:16:22,277 --> 00:16:23,837
"Mr Khan, they all know me."
331
00:16:25,100 --> 00:16:26,940
I was just kidding myself.
332
00:16:26,940 --> 00:16:28,200
I'm a nobody.
333
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,860
I should never have moved
to Sparkhill.
334
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,700
What if you never did?
335
00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:36,140
What?
336
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:41,060
I'm going to show you what
Sparkhill would be like without you.
337
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:45,020
SHE CHANTS
338
00:16:45,020 --> 00:16:48,740
SHE ULULATES
339
00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,946
And they say Muslims are weird.
340
00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:58,660
Well, what do you think?
About what?
341
00:16:58,660 --> 00:17:02,420
Sparkhill, as it would be
if you'd never moved here.
342
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:05,100
Right, you do realise
it's all the same. Is it?
343
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:08,520
Yes. Is it, though?
Yes, it is, though.
344
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,140
Hang on,
where is Tasty Fried Chicken?
345
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:14,620
Ah-ha, you see?
346
00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:17,380
Without you here,
they've gone out of business.
347
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:23,140
Sparkhill without a chicken shop,
has the world gone mad?
348
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:24,900
And look over there.
349
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:30,060
That should be Mr Ali's
Cash And Carry. He's gone, too.
350
00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:32,980
But what about my cheap
toilet rolls?
351
00:17:32,980 --> 00:17:36,720
Without the amount you buy,
he's gone out of business, as well.
352
00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:41,060
What's going on?
Is this some kind of trick?
353
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:47,060
I told you, this is a version of
Sparkhill where you never existed.
354
00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:51,620
Riaz!
355
00:17:51,620 --> 00:17:53,820
It's me. Your old friend, Mr Khan.
356
00:17:55,780 --> 00:17:58,620
What are you doing?
Muslims don't drink!
357
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,580
I lost my faith a long time ago.
358
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,340
But you're the funeral director
at the mosque.
359
00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:04,980
Wow...
360
00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:08,340
That's what I should have done.
Where were you 25 years ago?
361
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:10,460
Right,
just stop messing around, huh,
362
00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:12,920
and just tell this crazy woman
that you know me.
363
00:18:14,020 --> 00:18:17,140
I've never met you before in my
life. Has she paid you to do this?
364
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,060
Stop lying! Keep back!
365
00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:20,000
I wear Hai Karate.
366
00:18:22,620 --> 00:18:24,020
Riaz!
367
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:31,780
I realise it's a lot for you
to take in.
368
00:18:31,780 --> 00:18:34,500
This can't be real.
This is just a dream.
369
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,580
Do I look like a dream to you?
370
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:38,520
Ow!
371
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:42,260
So you're really an angel?
Angel-in-waiting.
372
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,180
But why did they send you to me?
You do know I'm Muslim?
373
00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,580
Oh, that's OK.
374
00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:51,180
We're all mixed up together up
there - Christians, Muslims, Jews.
375
00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:53,540
Turns out we were all right.
376
00:18:53,540 --> 00:18:56,540
What about the Hindus?
Ah, no, I'm afraid not.
377
00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:58,380
I knew it!
378
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:02,380
We're just one big, happy family.
379
00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:05,140
We do each other's festivals
and everything.
380
00:19:05,140 --> 00:19:08,380
Christmas, Eid, Rosh Hashana...
381
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,420
How's that working out for you?
382
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:12,220
Ramadan's pretty tough.
383
00:19:13,180 --> 00:19:15,740
Now, close your eyes. There's
one more thing I want you to see.
384
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:18,180
But this is just a community centre.
Is it, though?
385
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:19,780
Yes, it is, though!
386
00:19:24,380 --> 00:19:25,820
You can open them now.
387
00:19:27,780 --> 00:19:29,180
What do you think?
388
00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:30,420
Is this...
389
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,540
..heaven?
390
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,340
No, it's a pound shop.
391
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,460
It looks like heaven to me!
392
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:40,140
Trust me,
heaven's nothing like this.
393
00:19:40,140 --> 00:19:42,780
So what happened
to the community centre?
394
00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:45,820
Without you, Mr Khan,
there is no community centre.
395
00:19:45,820 --> 00:19:47,020
What?
396
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:51,140
Well, for 25 years, you were
the one constant in that place.
397
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:54,900
Mosque managers, caretakers,
they all came and went.
398
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,020
But you were always there.
399
00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:01,180
Well, I am the only one who knows
how to fiddle the electric meter.
400
00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:02,860
You kept that place going.
401
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:04,780
And they still never named the place
after me.
402
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:07,980
But without you, it didn't survive.
403
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:11,260
It was bought up
by some greedy businessman.
404
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:13,860
Oi, you two,
buy something or clear off.
405
00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:15,500
Ha-ha, hello, Dave!
406
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:17,340
It is Dave, isn't it?
407
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,740
That's right. Dave Prentice.
This is my shop.
408
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,200
Ha! Are you the greedy businessman?
409
00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:24,100
Yes.
410
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:26,220
Ginger Dave!
411
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,740
Are you taking the ginger biscuit?
412
00:20:30,420 --> 00:20:31,980
I find that term offensive.
413
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:36,380
Chill-ax, Davey. It's just
a bit of banter between friends.
414
00:20:36,380 --> 00:20:38,260
I'm not your friend.
415
00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:39,240
Keith!
416
00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:44,020
Oh, Keithy!
My next door neighbour.
417
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,320
AS KEITH: Salman I like him,
Mr Khan.
418
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,600
Sorry?
419
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,200
We're not neighbours.
420
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,820
The house next door to me
has been left to rot for 25 years.
421
00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:58,200
How dare you? Anyway, you're the one
who put the wallpaper up.
422
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,600
Buy something or clear off.
423
00:21:03,070 --> 00:21:04,110
Keith!
424
00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:09,180
Excuse me, sir. How much is this?
425
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,160
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
426
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:13,980
One pound.
427
00:21:13,980 --> 00:21:15,360
Oh...!
428
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:19,040
Erm, what about this?
429
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,500
That's one pound, too.
430
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:24,220
Everything's a pound.
It's a pound shop.
431
00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:27,500
I never thought of that.
Thank you, sir.
432
00:21:27,500 --> 00:21:29,320
That's OK, Amjad.
433
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,820
At least you know who I am.
434
00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:33,760
No, I...I did think I do.
435
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,740
Yes, you do. You just call me sir.
You always call me sir.
436
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:39,500
Mummy says it's polite
to call people sir.
437
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,740
Amjad, hurry up.
We can't be seen in here.
438
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,780
Let's go
before anyone recognises us.
439
00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:48,940
I see you haven't changed.
You're still the same, huh.
440
00:21:52,300 --> 00:21:54,900
Amjad's not the same, though.
441
00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:56,500
He looked up to you.
442
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,340
Now he's stuck at home
with his mother.
443
00:21:59,340 --> 00:22:01,500
He'll survive. They all will.
444
00:22:05,404 --> 00:22:06,644
Hello, sweetie.
445
00:22:07,420 --> 00:22:08,280
Oh...
446
00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:11,420
Hello.
So you know who I am?
447
00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:14,900
Of course I know who you are.
We were married, weren't we?
448
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,260
Were?
449
00:22:16,260 --> 00:22:20,220
Well, it was 25 years ago. I know.
It was the happiest day of my life.
450
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:22,420
Oh, mine, too.
451
00:22:22,420 --> 00:22:26,780
And then you got a briefcase
and became a proper businessman.
452
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:29,220
I always wanted to be
a proper businessman.
453
00:22:29,220 --> 00:22:31,260
And then you went off
on your business trips
454
00:22:31,260 --> 00:22:33,540
and stayed away for weeks
in five-star hotels.
455
00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:36,620
These five-star hotels,
456
00:22:36,620 --> 00:22:39,940
did they have infinity pools
and executive suites?
457
00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:41,140
Idiot!
458
00:22:41,140 --> 00:22:44,060
And then one day
you never came back. What?
459
00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:47,380
And that was the end of it. Since
then, it's just been me and my mum.
460
00:22:47,380 --> 00:22:49,540
But what about our children?
What children?
461
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:52,020
Alia and Shazia.
Who?
462
00:22:52,020 --> 00:22:54,260
Don't you see, Mr Khan?
463
00:22:54,260 --> 00:22:56,140
They never existed.
464
00:22:56,140 --> 00:22:58,180
Oh, it can't be.
465
00:22:59,300 --> 00:23:01,500
And we had grandchildren, too.
466
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:03,620
Little Mo and Baby Nadia.
467
00:23:03,620 --> 00:23:06,300
I don't know what you're talking
about. Sweetie, tell me...
468
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:07,580
Tell me this isn't real.
469
00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,740
Tell me you're still
my little gulab jamun.
470
00:23:09,740 --> 00:23:11,380
Stay away from me.
471
00:23:11,380 --> 00:23:14,980
You made your choice.
You left me and you left Sparkhill.
472
00:23:14,980 --> 00:23:16,900
Come on, Mum.
473
00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:18,780
No... Wait!
474
00:23:19,780 --> 00:23:21,420
Come back!
475
00:23:21,420 --> 00:23:22,780
Come back!
476
00:23:23,677 --> 00:23:26,260
I want to live in Sparkhill!
477
00:23:26,260 --> 00:23:29,560
I want to live in Sparkhill!
478
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,820
I want to live in Sparkhill!
I want to live in Sparkhill!
479
00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:34,580
Mr Khan...
I want to live in Sparkhill!
480
00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:36,920
Mr Khan... Are you OK?
481
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:38,200
Riaz?
482
00:23:39,340 --> 00:23:43,140
I fished this out of the canal. Have
you seen a woman, about this tall?
483
00:23:44,140 --> 00:23:46,260
Hang on...you know my name.
484
00:23:46,260 --> 00:23:48,400
You're Mr Khan. They all know do.
485
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:49,760
And this is Sparkhill?
486
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,220
Sparkhill with a chicken shop
and a community centre
487
00:23:53,220 --> 00:23:55,280
and a cash-and-carry?
Yes.
488
00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,180
And Mrs Khan...
489
00:23:57,180 --> 00:23:58,820
and Alia
490
00:23:58,820 --> 00:23:59,720
and the other one?
491
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,380
Yes.
492
00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:05,700
And you're a big,
fat Muslim undertaker?
493
00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,080
OK. Oh, Riaz.
494
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,073
Don't take this the wrong way...
495
00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:12,760
..but I love you!
496
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:18,780
Sparkhill!
497
00:24:18,780 --> 00:24:20,260
Yeah!
498
00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:22,840
Hello, Sparkhill!
499
00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:27,540
Merry Christmas,
Mr Ali's Cash-And-Carry!
500
00:24:27,540 --> 00:24:29,300
Woohoo!
501
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:32,180
Merry Christmas,
my Pakistani people!
502
00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:34,900
Woohoo!
503
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:37,980
Merry Christmas,
Tasty Fried Chicken!
504
00:24:37,980 --> 00:24:42,780
Make mine a bargain bucket
and six extra hot wings!
505
00:24:43,860 --> 00:24:45,340
Whoa!
506
00:24:45,340 --> 00:24:46,460
Argh!
507
00:24:48,300 --> 00:24:49,700
Watch it!
508
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,260
Merry Christmas, everyone!
509
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:04,360
I should have let him
go and get his silly award.
510
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,300
What if he's done something stupid?
511
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:09,920
If he's not coming back,
can I have his chair?
512
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:14,260
Is that all you can think of?
No, you're right.
513
00:25:14,260 --> 00:25:15,760
Can I had his footstool, too?
514
00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:17,780
I'm back!
515
00:25:17,780 --> 00:25:19,280
Oh, buggers!
516
00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:22,420
Where have you been?
We've all been so worried.
517
00:25:22,420 --> 00:25:24,580
Well, some of us have.
518
00:25:24,580 --> 00:25:27,460
I've been...getting
Christmas presents.
519
00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:29,100
You stupid, stupid man!
520
00:25:29,100 --> 00:25:31,700
How could you go off like that?
We called and called.
521
00:25:31,700 --> 00:25:33,860
What on earth were you thinking of?
Why...?
522
00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:34,920
Oh!
523
00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:43,940
Well, I think
that covers everything.
524
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,680
I'm so glad to be back...
525
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:49,740
..with all my family.
526
00:25:49,740 --> 00:25:53,600
My lovely, beautiful daughter Alia.
527
00:25:55,175 --> 00:25:57,860
And other daughter...Shazia.
528
00:25:57,860 --> 00:26:00,260
Also lovely and beautiful.
529
00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:04,500
And Amjad's here, too.
530
00:26:05,660 --> 00:26:07,160
I love you all.
531
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:10,980
And I wouldn't change a thing
about any of you.
532
00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:13,940
Shall I cook us something?
No, thank you.
533
00:26:13,940 --> 00:26:15,900
DOORBELL RINGS
534
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,300
Who's that?
535
00:26:17,300 --> 00:26:21,780
I ordered us a Tasty Fried Chicken
for us on the way home. Yeah!
536
00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:24,520
I come bearing wings!
537
00:26:25,594 --> 00:26:26,749
What an angel.
538
00:26:32,460 --> 00:26:33,800
Here you are.
539
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:36,620
Now, give me a nappy to change.
You don't have to do that.
540
00:26:36,620 --> 00:26:38,060
No, but I want to.
541
00:26:38,060 --> 00:26:39,420
I love poop.
542
00:26:39,420 --> 00:26:41,980
Lovely, lovely poopy!
543
00:26:41,980 --> 00:26:45,520
He's just doing all this so he can
go to Buckingham Palace tomorrow.
544
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,540
No, I'm not,
you great big biscuit barrel!
545
00:26:50,820 --> 00:26:53,900
There's only one palace
I want to be in.
546
00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:56,020
And I'm standing in it right now,
547
00:26:56,020 --> 00:26:58,580
right here, in Sparkhill.
548
00:26:59,860 --> 00:27:03,620
And so our story ends happily
for Mr Khan,
549
00:27:03,620 --> 00:27:08,300
who spent another lovely
poopy Christmas with his family.
550
00:27:09,460 --> 00:27:12,600
You know,
this is the best Christmas ever.
551
00:27:13,580 --> 00:27:15,180
I've learned...
552
00:27:15,180 --> 00:27:18,780
that people you love
are all that matters.
553
00:27:18,780 --> 00:27:21,580
And in our own small way...
554
00:27:21,580 --> 00:27:25,460
we can all make a difference
in this world.
555
00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:27,860
Isn't that right? A doggy!
556
00:27:30,100 --> 00:27:31,900
Exactly.
557
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:36,500
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40212
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof