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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
the capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
Do you like my suit?
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00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,200
Number one Citizen Khan.
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00:00:21,894 --> 00:00:24,680
Assalaamu Alaikum,
my boobtube followers.
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00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,160
I'll assume you said
"walaikum salaam" there.
6
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:33,200
Now, I know what you're thinking -
we Muslims are all over the telly.
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Always on the news.
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But it's not all bad news.
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Sometimes it's good news too.
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00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:41,880
Here's my free copy of
the Sparkhill Gazette.
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00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:45,240
Lots of good Muslim stories in here.
Let's have a look.
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00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,880
Ah-hah, Mr Ali won the weekly
Sudoku competition. Oh, yeah.
13
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:54,720
Ah, the halal butchers on Stoney
Lane is going to be open 24 hours!
14
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:57,880
Ah, this is brilliant.
15
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:01,600
The Moseley Muslim Theatre Group is
putting on their own version
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00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:05,000
of Swan Lake
but without the dancing.
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00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:10,520
Oh, yes, and Amjad's dad got knocked
down by the number 37 bus.
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00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,600
Ah, poor Mr Malik.
I can't believe he's gone.
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Still, I suppose a part of him
will always be with us.
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00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,480
Is she keeping his toupee?
21
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,840
Idiot. What?
That thing had a life of its own!
22
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:37,072
It was like he was balancing
a guinea pig on his head.
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Have some respect for the dead.
Are you sure it's dead?
24
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,800
It's probably scrabbling at the
coffin lid trying to get out!
25
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,600
Poor Mrs Malik is suffering.
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Just try and be
a little bit more sensitive.
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Fine, I'll be sensitive.
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So, hit by a bus, eh?
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It's just such a shock.
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Of course.
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I can't believe he's gone.
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No.
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It's so kind of you to let
me stay here,
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especially since your house is
so much smaller than mine.
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Hang on,
are they my birthday truffles?!
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That's the last one.
37
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What? I'm sorry.
I found them in the kitchen.
38
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I hid them in
a tin in the top cupboard.
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That's where I found them.
40
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:39,320
It's no problem.
What's Mr Khan's is yours, isn't it?
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Yes, I suppose so.
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Would you like some of my
varicose veins too?
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The worst part is, what if people
think he was waiting for a bus?
44
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:56,400
I mean, we haven't used public
transport for 20 years.
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Right.
He just didn't see it coming.
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He should have checked
the timetable.
47
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,040
No, he was...distracted.
48
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,000
Oh, was he on the phone?
49
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,440
The wind blew his
hairpiece over his eyes.
50
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HE STIFLES A LAUGH
51
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,080
Oh, dear.
52
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,520
I told him so many times,
"Don't go out when it's too windy,"
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but he never listened.
54
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I can tell you're shocked.
55
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You didn't know he wore a hairpiece.
56
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I had no idea. Did you?
57
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Oh, no!
58
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I had no idea at all.
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I mean, it looked so...
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00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,480
lifelike.
61
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,920
Would you excuse us for a minute?
What?
62
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,240
What is wrong with you?
You should be supporting Mrs Malik.
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00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,600
Sweetie, there aren't enough
truffles in the world
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00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,200
to support that woman!
65
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,400
And what about Amjad?
He needs our support too.
66
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,080
I know this is
a difficult time for everyone,
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00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,960
but I'm just trying to get on
with normal life.
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00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:07,800
We Pakistanis are very good at
making the best of a bad situation.
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00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,840
Why do you think there are
so many of us in Birmingham?
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00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,000
Shazia's worried about him.
She says he's very stressed.
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00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,720
He'll be OK.
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00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,440
Why don't you offer to help with the
funeral arrangements? I can't.
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00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,200
I've got to go and see the bank
manager about my new business idea.
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00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,680
I need an investor. Unbelievable!
75
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,200
You're worried about investors
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00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,160
when your son-in-law's
just lost his father.
77
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,840
We've all got our problems, sweetie!
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00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,400
I've got high heating bills,
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00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:39,880
my back's still playing up,
80
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:43,160
and next door's cat keeps
pooping in our patio!
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00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,400
Look,
let me show you my business idea.
82
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,560
Now, imagine we're
somewhere romantic,
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00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,120
like the time I took you to
the Taj Mahal.
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00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,640
You've never taken me
to the Taj Mahal.
85
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,840
Yes, I have,
the one on the Stratford Road.
86
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:02,240
You had the lamb bhuna, remember?
87
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,800
Oh, yeah, that one.
88
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,520
So we want to take a selfie,
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00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,320
but, oh, no, you forgot to bring
the selfie stick.
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00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:12,040
Me?! Yes, but it's not a problem.
91
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:16,520
Not with Mr Khan's
sewn-into-your-suit selfie stick!
92
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,640
There you are, perfect!
93
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,360
Now, get ready to say cheese.
94
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:28,480
Activating extension mode.
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00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,720
CAT MEOWS
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00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,320
Serves you right!
97
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,120
I don't think Amjad's
coping very well.
98
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:44,120
I think the stress
is getting to him.
99
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,720
He doesn't look stressed to me.
100
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,840
Just talk to him, OK? OK, OK.
101
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Hello, Amjad. Hello, sir.
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00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:55,120
How you doing? Not too stressed?
No, I'm not too stressed at all.
103
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Everything's perfectly fine.
104
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,840
I'm not too stressed at all.
105
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You see,
he's not too stressed at all.
106
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,880
I've got to get to the mosque.
107
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,760
Budhoo. Yes, ladoo.
108
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,200
I think you've forgotten something.
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00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,080
Oh.
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00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:17,800
Not that.
111
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,920
HE SHRIEKS
112
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Dad, can you do something? OK, fine.
113
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I don't think I can do this, sir.
114
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:32,000
Amjad, you can. You just need to put
your trousers on first.
115
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,720
Maybe you should take over
the funeral arrangements.
116
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:39,680
Amjad, it's very easy.
Muslim funerals are all about speed.
117
00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,720
Pray-pray, cry-cry,
dig-dig, bish-bosh!
118
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:48,160
But, sir, the funeral's this
afternoon and I've got all
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his papers to sort out and I have to
get to the mosque. So?
120
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,920
Apparently there's going to be loads
of important people there
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00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,560
to pay their respects.
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00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,280
Colleagues, investors...
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00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,840
Say that again.
124
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:08,200
Colleagues. No, not that.
125
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,520
Investors. That's the one.
126
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,800
You know, Amjad, maybe you're right.
127
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:19,080
Maybe I SHOULD take over the
funeral arrangements, huh?
128
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,760
Thank you, sir.
129
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,760
I don't want you to worry
about anything.
130
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:27,440
You just stay here,
relax and enjoy yourself.
131
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Not enjoy yourself.
132
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,000
I mean, be sad...in a good way!
133
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:35,135
Thank you, sir. You're my rock.
134
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,720
He was stressed so I've just been
relieving him of his tension.
135
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:02,800
Assalaamu Alaikum. Assalaamu
Alaikum.
136
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,720
Walaikum salaam, Riaz.
137
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,920
Hello, Dave. A sad day.
138
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,280
Why? Aston Villa sacked their
manager again?
139
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,040
Oh, you mean... Yes, of course.
140
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,080
Very sad. Very, very sad.
141
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,160
We've just been going over the
arrangements for the funeral.
142
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,520
Yes, we have to perform the burial
ritual, do the prayers and
143
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,800
the body has to be buried today
with the head facing Mecca.
144
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,160
What you telling us for? We know.
145
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:33,480
I'm the funeral director.
It's all I've got!
146
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,120
There are also quite
a few well-wishers here
147
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,520
who want to pay their respects
to the family.
148
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,480
Yes, I'll be taking care of
all of that. You?
149
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,680
I didn't think you and Mr Malik
were that friendly?
150
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,920
Oh, yes,
me and Wiggy were very close.
151
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,400
People said you could
hardly see the join.
152
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,640
Shouldn't that really be
Amjad's role?
153
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:57,480
You're right, it should be Amjad
but he's gone a bit...whoo-hoo!
154
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,720
So, he's left me
in charge of everything.
155
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,240
He said I'm his rock.
156
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:06,720
Hmm, maybe I should offer him
some pastoral support?
157
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:09,400
Back off, Dave.
I'm his stick of rock.
158
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,160
He doesn't need
a gingerbread man too.
159
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,760
So you're here to represent
the family? That's right.
160
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:20,040
I'll be leading all the important
funeral duties like dealing
161
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,920
with anyone who's coming to pay
their investments...respects!
162
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,640
Assalaamu Alaikum.
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00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,880
ALL: Walaikum salaam.
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00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,880
I've come to offer my condolences...
That'll be me!
165
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,880
You're condoling me. Thank you.
It means a lot.
166
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:42,520
You see, Mr Malik and I were
very close friends.
167
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Very close.
168
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,440
Were you a business partner
of Mr Malik?
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00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,640
No.
170
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,680
Off you go.
171
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,800
So you're going to do everything
that Amjad would have done? Yes.
172
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,680
Got a problem with that?
No. Good. What's first?
173
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:04,360
The ceremonial washing of
the dead body.
174
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,040
Oh, twaddi!
175
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,840
You know, I find this a very moving
part of the funeral ritual.
176
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:18,097
Don't you, Mr Khan? Mr Khan?
177
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,880
I thought it'd be easier to
wash this in the sink.
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00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:27,200
LAUGHTER
179
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:29,760
Has anyone got any conditioner?
180
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,080
LAUGHTER
181
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,320
Are you OK, Mr Khan? I know that
must have been hard for you.
182
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,200
Yes, it was.
183
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:41,240
I had to really work the shampoo
in to get a lather.
184
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,240
So, where are all these business
investors, ah?
185
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,920
Assalaamu Alaikum.
186
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:50,400
Walaikum salaam.
187
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,880
I am looking for Amjad Malik.
He's not here.
188
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:56,920
Mrs Malik, then?
She's not here either.
189
00:10:56,920 --> 00:11:00,040
Can you pass on a message?
Yes, yes, sorry for their loss,
190
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,520
I'll let them know. No, no.
191
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:07,000
I am a business partner of the late
Mr Malik. A business partner?
192
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,280
That is right.
193
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,000
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
194
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:15,120
Mr Khan, K...H for hat,
A for Asian, N for knowledge.
195
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:20,200
Mr Malik probably mentioned me.
No.
196
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,120
Did he mention him to you? And...
197
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:26,560
Who might this be?
This is my daughter, Pinky.
198
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,960
Oh, what a lovely name.
199
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,680
Back off.
200
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,160
LAUGHTER
201
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,200
Right.
202
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,320
I'll be looking after all of
Mr Malik's business affairs,
203
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,640
including his savings and
investments, investments mainly.
204
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:45,360
Well, it is his investments
I want to talk about.
205
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:50,264
Excellent. Me too.
206
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,640
Actually, gentlemen, now is not
really the right time or place.
207
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,348
Perhaps later, after...
Shut up, Dave.
208
00:12:00,413 --> 00:12:03,121
Let's talk numbers, ah? OK.
209
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:07,200
Mr Malik owes me 100 lakh.
210
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:14,120
What? He owes us 100 grand. What?!
211
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:15,560
He means 100,000 pounds.
212
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,320
Yes, OK, Dave. I do know what it
means, thank you.
213
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,960
But now he is dead.
214
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:28,680
That means you owe me ?100,000.
215
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,040
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
216
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,920
One-hundred-thousand-pounds!
217
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,960
LAUGHTER
218
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,800
But there is no rush,
219
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,840
so long as you get me the cash by
lunchtime.
220
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:47,440
Otherwise, Pinky may get very
upset.
221
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:50,600
And you don't want that, do you?
222
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,160
No! And that's a pinky promise.
223
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,000
LAUGHTER
224
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,200
What kind of business partner is he?
225
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,080
He's not a business partner.
226
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,680
He's an illegal bookmaker.
227
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,040
Oh, twaddi.
228
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,480
I wanted an investor, and instead
I've ended up with
229
00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,440
a Pakistani Paddy Power!
230
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,160
LAUGHTER
231
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,920
Hi, Babu dhe. Hello, beti.
Isn't it awful about Mr Malik?
232
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,920
Yes. You never know what to say.
233
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,200
When I found out, I texted
Mrs Malik,
234
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,240
OMG, coffin picture, sad face.
235
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,840
LAUGHTER
236
00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,520
What did we do before we had
emojis?
237
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:43,040
Where is she now? She's in the
living room hogging the sofa.
238
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,440
It's like, I know you've lost your
husband and whatever, but,
239
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,280
hello, I've got nowhere to sit.
240
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,200
LAUGHTER
241
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:53,960
Never mind nowhere to sit. Soon
SHE'S going to have nowhere to live.
242
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,760
What do you mean? Mr Malik was
broke!
243
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,200
The house, the car,
the gold-plated hot tub,
244
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:03,640
none of it was really his.
245
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,480
Just like his hair!
246
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,720
LAUGHTER
247
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:10,280
So Mrs Malik's not very, very rich?
248
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,320
No, she's very, very poor.
249
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,520
Brilliant!
250
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,600
LAUGHTER
251
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,880
And she has no idea? No.
252
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:22,440
He kept his secret life of casinos
and showgirls
253
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,880
completely hidden from her.
254
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,480
Wow. I know.
255
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:30,520
I must admit, I'm liking him more
and more.
256
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,640
LAUGHTER
257
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:36,640
What are you going to do? I'm going
to have to tell her. Can I come?
258
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,680
LAUGHTER
259
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,760
I'm going to have Italian marble
for the work surfaces
260
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:45,560
and handmade oak cabinets.
261
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,720
Wow, this new kitchen sounds
amazing.
262
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,800
It's what he would have wanted.
263
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,200
LAUGHTER
264
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,000
We always said, "There's nothing
worse than having to live
265
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,000
"with a cheap and nasty kitchen."
266
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,320
Well, I don't need to tell you.
267
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,640
LAUGHTER
268
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,720
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
269
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,480
Mrs Malik has just been telling me
270
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,640
about the new kitchen she's getting.
271
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,360
Isn't it too soon?
272
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:14,480
Maybe you should wait before
spending any money.
273
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,960
After all, you never know what
might be round the corner.
274
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,160
Mr Malik certainly didn't.
275
00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:22,120
LAUGHTER
276
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,680
I mean, perhaps you should even
think of downsizing.
277
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,240
Downsizing?
278
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,360
Yes.
279
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,160
In more ways than one.
280
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,600
LAUGHTER
281
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,560
No, look, maybe you should also
think of selling your house, ah?
282
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,520
You don't want to be in that big
house all on your own,
283
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,360
you poor thing.
284
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,840
You poor, poor, POOR thing.
285
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,280
LAUGHTER
286
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,400
I don't need to worry about being
alone in the house.
287
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:51,280
I won't be back there for months.
What?!
288
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,280
I've booked myself on
a Caribbean cruise.
289
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,320
It's what he would have wanted.
290
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,160
LAUGHTER
291
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,800
Won't that be very expensive?
292
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:04,080
It might seem expensive to
someone of your means.
293
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,560
AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
294
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,560
But don't worry...
295
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:10,680
Mr Malik will have left me in the
money.
296
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,760
He's left you in the something.
297
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,960
LAUGHTER
298
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,440
Well, perhaps it's time we went and
got changed, yes?
299
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,760
Mrs Khan is going to help me dress
for the funeral.
300
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,440
Mr Malik always liked to see me look
a million dollars.
301
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,600
Good luck.
302
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,360
LAUGHTER
303
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,720
Mrs Malik...
304
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,440
There's something I need to tell
you. Yes?
305
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,360
I'm afraid I have some terrible
news,
306
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,600
and it's not that we've run
out of biscuits.
307
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,960
LAUGHTER
308
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,240
What is it?
309
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,240
This might come as a bit of
a shock.
310
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:47,680
Mr Khan, after all I've been
through, nothing more can shock me.
311
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,080
Mr Malik lost all his money to an
illegal bookmaker.
312
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,880
You're completely broke.
313
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,120
LAUGHTER
314
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,480
APPLAUSE
315
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,040
Brilliant!
316
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,080
LAUGHTER
317
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,280
Typical!
318
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,680
You wait years for one Malik to die,
319
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,360
and then two snuff it at
the same time!
320
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,080
LAUGHTER
321
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,720
She's not dead, Babu dhe, she just
fainted. Thank God for that!
322
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,720
We can't afford to bury her as well.
323
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,240
Right. I'll go and get a glass of
water.
324
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:29,400
You stay here and make sure she
doesn't swallow her tongue.
325
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,320
I wouldn't put it past her.
326
00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,840
LAUGHTER
327
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,160
CAMERA CLICKS
328
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,960
Hello, sir. Hello, Amjad.
Where's Mummy?
329
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,080
She's just having
a bit of a lie down.
330
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:46,760
I just wanted to say thank you for
standing in for me at the mosque.
331
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,440
I owe you one.
You owe a bit more than that.
332
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,080
LAUGHTER
333
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,320
What? Listen, I need to talk to you
about your father's business.
334
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,160
Oh, good. I want to talk about Daddy
too.
335
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,440
I've decided I'm going to say a few
words about him at the funeral.
336
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,120
OK. But about your father's
business...
337
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,840
He was so well respected.
338
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:07,680
I don't think I can ever live up
to his reputation.
339
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,760
I wouldn't worry too much about
that if I were you.
340
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,200
Now, look, about the business...
341
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:15,520
He was such a good daddy to
me when I was little.
342
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,240
And he loved little Mo and
baby Nadiya too.
343
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,760
And now he won't ever see
them grow up.
344
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,880
AUDIENCE: Aw.
345
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,120
And they'll never know their
grandad.
346
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,280
But I'll tell them what
a good man he was.
347
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:39,520
Everybody looked up to him,
didn't they?
348
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,040
Yes, they did.
349
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:49,040
What did you want to talk to me
about? Nothing, Amjad.
350
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,360
Your father was a great man and
he'd be very proud of you.
351
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:54,280
Oh...
352
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:55,320
Oh.
353
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:59,880
I've just had the most
horrible dream.
354
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,480
I dreamt that Mr Malik had
died and that
355
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,400
he'd gambled away all our money.
356
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:10,160
Well, your dreams have come true!
357
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,600
LAUGHTER
358
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,320
And Mr Malik really has died!
359
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,280
But...
360
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,280
He didn't lose all your money.
Thank God!
361
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,160
LAUGHTER
362
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,080
Mr Khan?
363
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,360
Just making sure he's looking his
best.
364
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,920
Perfect. We should take the body
to the cemetery now.
365
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,000
Oh, and Mr Gul
is looking for you.
366
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,840
Right. Did you tell Mrs Malik
and Amjad that...you know...
367
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:53,920
No, I didn't, Dave. I want Amjad to
bury his father with pride.
368
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:58,520
Well, that's very noble.
So are you going to pay the 100,000?
369
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:03,040
No blooming way! So who is? I don't
know. No-one has any money.
370
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,200
Well, so, what are you going to
do?
371
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,400
I'll just get Mrs Malik to tell
the Pakistani Paddy Power
372
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,000
that he'll get his money after the
funeral.
373
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,000
What?! How are you going to do that?
Ah-ha!
374
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,440
Allow me to introduce...
375
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,240
Mrs Malik!
376
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,720
LAUGHTER
377
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,840
Oh, no.
378
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,400
No, no, no.
379
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,320
What?! It's perfect.
380
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:29,920
I'll do all the talking,
381
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:33,680
Riaz just has to stand there looking
like a lady.
382
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,120
No problem.
383
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,640
I mean, no problem.
384
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,320
LAUGHTER
385
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,760
I'm sorry, I can't allow you to do
this.
386
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,600
Oh, right. What are you saying?
387
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,960
That men shouldn't wear women's
clothes?
388
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,440
Well, no, of course not.
389
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,320
Obviously, I'm in favour of
390
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:53,440
a non-binary definition of
gender identity.
391
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,680
I thought you might be.
392
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,800
But they'll never believe he's
a woman. I mean, look at him!
393
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,600
LAUGHTER
394
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,160
You're right. Thank you. I know what
he needs.
395
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,960
What are you doing?
396
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,840
Boobies.
397
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,240
LAUGHTER
398
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,280
One in there.
399
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,720
There we are. Much better.
400
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,280
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
401
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:19,520
Assalaamu Alaikum.
402
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,240
BOTH: Walaikum salaam.
403
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,600
If I didn't know any
better, Khan saab,
404
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,920
I would say you have been
avoiding me.
405
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,240
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
406
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,440
Hello.
407
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:32,560
SHE SOBS
408
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,640
Mr Gul. May I introduce you to
Mrs Malik.
409
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,640
SHE SOBS
410
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,480
Assalaamu Alaikum.
411
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,520
I am so sorry for your loss.
412
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:43,960
SHE SOBS
413
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,080
She's still too upset to talk.
414
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,080
Of course, I understand.
415
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:55,760
Mrs Malik is prepared to honour
her husband's debt.
416
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,480
Is that so, Mrs Malik?
417
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,320
LAUGHTER
418
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,440
SHE SOBS
419
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:10,720
That is acceptable. Perhaps,
when you are ready to move on,
420
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,440
we might get to know each other
a little better?
421
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,200
LAUGHTER
422
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,600
All in good time,
all in good time!
423
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,600
This must have come as
a bit of a shock.
424
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,080
You're not kidding!
425
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:28,400
I must say, he looks pretty good.
426
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,360
The undertaker has done a first-rate
job.
427
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,920
RIAZ: Wow! Thank you very much.
428
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,600
LAUGHTER
429
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,080
Oh, twaddi!
430
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,920
I can explain! I want my money!
431
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:44,200
Hang on, how do we know that
Mr Malik owes you anything?
432
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:47,040
It's all in here.
433
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,320
LAUGHTER
434
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:51,520
Look, I haven't got your money.
Then I will get it from the boy.
435
00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,080
He will be at the cemetery,
436
00:22:53,080 --> 00:22:57,360
and I will tell him all about what
his daddy was really like.
437
00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:00,000
I can't let you do that! Really?!
438
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,800
I'm going to enjoy this!
439
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:07,320
No violence, please, this is
a house of God. Cut it, Ron Weasley.
440
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,360
LAUGHTER
441
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:13,760
Wait! Can I just have something for
Mrs Khan to remember me by?
442
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,240
Like what?
443
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,360
A selfie?
444
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,120
Say cheese!
445
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,520
Wow.
446
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,040
Pinky. Go on, get it!
447
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,400
THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
448
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,160
I will get my money!
449
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,280
Just get back. I told you Muslim
funerals were speedy.
450
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,720
Right, you stay with him,
Dave, go on!
451
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:52,000
HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
452
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,120
Ameen. ALL: Ameen.
453
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,680
Right, come on, come on, Riaz can't
sit on that coffin forever.
454
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,680
Mr Khan, do you know we are supposed
to do the burial
455
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,280
before the imam conducts prayers.
456
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:02,640
If we don't get a move on, Dave,
457
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,600
there's going to be another
funeral today.
458
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:05,910
Who's? Mine!
459
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,120
Oh, come on, let's get this filled.
460
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:14,720
The imam wants to know if anybody
would like to say a few words first?
461
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:17,360
No, we've got to get on with it!
Jaldi, jaldi!
462
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:20,000
I'd like to say something.
463
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:21,440
Do you mind, sir?
464
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:22,680
No.
465
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:23,840
I don't mind, Amjad.
466
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,240
Whenever you're ready.
467
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,360
Daddy didn't talk much.
468
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:34,240
And...it was hard to tell what
he was thinking most of the time.
469
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:39,840
So I don't know if any of us got to
know him really well.
470
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:45,760
But what I do know is that he loved
me and Mummy very much,
471
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:48,160
and I never doubted that for
a second.
472
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,400
He was quiet.
473
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:52,640
And kind.
474
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:56,320
And he was my hero.
475
00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:59,320
I'm proud of you, budhoo.
476
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:05,480
I want to go now, beta.
477
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:06,560
It's OK, Amjad.
478
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:08,720
You take your mother and the
others back to the house.
479
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,360
I'll take care of the rest, ah?
480
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:15,120
Go on, go on, go on, go on.
481
00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:17,480
Come on, come on. Jaldi, jaldi,
jaldi. Come on.
482
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,240
LAUGHTER
483
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,600
Mr Khan! What?
484
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:28,280
Oh, twaddi!
485
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,080
Oh, God!
486
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,640
Come on, budhoo, let's go home.
Shouldn't we wait for Mr Khan?
487
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,080
It's OK, beta, I think he's saying
goodbye in his own way. Chalo.
488
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:49,800
Come on, jaldi, jaldi. Jaldi. Come
on! Come on, hurry, hurry.
489
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:57,694
Help! Help!
490
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,560
IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE:
I mean, help! Help!
491
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,520
LAUGHTER
492
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,920
Where is he? Who? Khan!
493
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:12,800
I haven't seen him.
494
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:15,160
Have you seen him? ALL: No.
495
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,120
This isn't over!
496
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,280
POLICE SIREN WAILS
497
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,680
It is now.
498
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,240
LAUGHTER
499
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:32,440
Are you OK, Mummy?
500
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,920
Ah, I'll miss him, though. Me too.
501
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,240
SHE GASPS
502
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:42,720
What is it? It's just... There was
something I was going to keep.
503
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:46,040
To remember him by. What? His...
504
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:48,200
LAUGHTER
505
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,120
Never mind. It's too late now.
506
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,720
Get me out of here!
507
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,560
LAUGHTER
508
00:27:04,610 --> 00:27:09,160
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