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Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham.
The capital of British Pakistan.
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They all know me.
3
00:00:15,072 --> 00:00:17,036
Do you like my suit?
4
00:00:18,044 --> 00:00:21,064
Number one, Citizen Khan.
5
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:23,060
HE SINGS
6
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:29,000
Hello, sir. Hello, Amjad!
What are you doing?
7
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It's the Great Sparkhill Bake Off!
8
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I'm doing a pineapple
inside out cake.
9
00:00:34,064 --> 00:00:36,040
You mean upside down?
10
00:00:39,036 --> 00:00:42,084
Winner gets picture in the paper,
interview with Midlands Today
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00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:47,048
and a special invitation for dinner
at Mr Javed's house. Wow.
12
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:49,056
Can you imagine me at Mr Javed's
house?
13
00:00:49,056 --> 00:00:51,048
Sitting at his marble dining table,
14
00:00:51,048 --> 00:00:55,008
while he nibbles on my coconut
madeleines?
15
00:00:55,008 --> 00:00:59,024
Sounds amazing. But I thought you
said baking wasn't very manly?
16
00:00:59,024 --> 00:01:01,072
It is the way I do!
17
00:01:01,072 --> 00:01:04,020
DRILL WHIRS
18
00:01:08,044 --> 00:01:12,032
Look at that, eh? I'm bound to win!
Who wouldn't like that?
19
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My mum wouldn't. She doesn't like
pineapples.
20
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Or cherries. Or grapefruit.
Or pomegranate.
21
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Look, Amjad, talk to the hand,
the beard ain't listening.
22
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Nobody cares what your mother likes.
23
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I suppose.
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Although, she is chairman
of the judges. Oh, twaddi!
25
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Maybe she'll like it with cream on.
26
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There we go. Do you want a taste?
27
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I shouldn't. I'm watching my figure.
28
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Come on. It won't make you fat,
it's very light and fluffy.
29
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Oh, go on, then!
30
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SAW WHIRS
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00:02:03,064 --> 00:02:05,056
Here we are!
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Kitchen table's broken again.
33
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You promised you weren't going to
enter any more competitions.
34
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Not after last year's
Curry Challenge.
35
00:02:22,076 --> 00:02:27,080
Even now, poor Mrs Anwar can't be
more than 20 feet from a lavatory.
36
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That's what happens when you use
an Indian recipe by mistake!
37
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Hello, sweetie. Do you want to try
my back to front cake?
38
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No, thanks. I'm not hungry.
Are you OK? You don't look well.
39
00:02:39,012 --> 00:02:42,068
I'm fine. What time did you get in
last night? Can't remember.
40
00:02:42,068 --> 00:02:45,080
You were out late again.
Papaji said I could.
41
00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:52,088
She was at the mosque.
All-night prayers.
42
00:02:54,016 --> 00:02:57,048
Look at the state of her.
It's hard work being that good.
43
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She is mixing with the wrong crowd.
44
00:03:01,012 --> 00:03:03,012
You mean her study group?
45
00:03:03,012 --> 00:03:06,028
You need to meet some nicer people.
More sensible. Reliable.
46
00:03:06,028 --> 00:03:08,052
You mean boring? No, thanks.
47
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There's a Pakistani singles party
today, at the community centre.
48
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,052
What? It's just a chance for busy
young people to get together.
49
00:03:16,052 --> 00:03:20,028
No way! Sweetie, I don't think
it's right to interfere
50
00:03:20,028 --> 00:03:22,036
in Alia's personal life.
51
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When the time is right,
she should have a choice.
52
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Either Mr Javed's son the doctor. Or
Mr Javed's other son the accountant.
53
00:03:30,028 --> 00:03:35,016
I've already paid the fee. What? Why
don't you just give it a chance, beti?
54
00:03:35,016 --> 00:03:39,092
Why can't you just leave me alone?
I feel sick. I'm going back to bed.
55
00:03:39,092 --> 00:03:42,068
Well, if she's not going, we'll have
to go for her. We?
56
00:03:42,068 --> 00:03:45,044
I'm not going on my own.
What about my cake?
57
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I'll get started for you, sir.
58
00:03:47,044 --> 00:03:50,032
We could make a lemon drizzle cake?
That's my mummy's favourite.
59
00:03:50,032 --> 00:03:52,088
What are the ingredients? Lemons...
60
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...and drizzle!
61
00:04:02,068 --> 00:04:07,076
Now, just be nice, write down their
details and try not to put them off!
62
00:04:07,076 --> 00:04:09,080
What? How could I put them off?
63
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HE HAWKS
64
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:16,000
Oh, hello... Haroon. Hello.
65
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We are here on behalf of
our daughter.
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Her name is Alia...
67
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That's with an A, as in
"Apple of our eyes"...
68
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and Khan. That's with a K.
69
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As in, "Keep your filthy hands
off my daughter!"
70
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:38,024
I don't know what it is, but there's
something about you I really like.
71
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,064
No, thank you!
72
00:04:44,064 --> 00:04:47,068
So, Iqbal, can you tell us
anything about yourself?
73
00:04:48,096 --> 00:04:52,004
Anything at all? What sort
of things do you like?
74
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,088
There must be something. Come on...
75
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I suppose I mainly like big boobies.
76
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:11,044
Hi. Hi. How's it going?
Not very well.
77
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:14,092
Same here.
My parents insisted I came.
78
00:05:14,092 --> 00:05:17,056
Much rather be at home
watching the cricket!
79
00:05:17,056 --> 00:05:19,028
Not found your type yet?
80
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:23,004
Oh, to be honest, I don't think there's
much chance I'll find MY type here.
81
00:05:23,004 --> 00:05:25,036
I know what you mean.
82
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Nice beard, by the way. Thanks.
83
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,096
OK, let's cut to the chase...
84
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I'm looking for a young man.
85
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Wow. OK.
86
00:05:35,044 --> 00:05:38,044
You could be just what I need. Right.
87
00:05:38,044 --> 00:05:42,048
Well, you know. I mean,
I feel the same.
88
00:05:42,048 --> 00:05:46,012
Excellent. Write your name down
on here. OK. Old school.
89
00:05:47,064 --> 00:05:52,056
That's it. There you go. And what
about you? What's your name?
90
00:05:52,056 --> 00:05:56,024
Mr Khan. Community leader.
They all know me. I bet they do.
91
00:05:57,032 --> 00:06:00,024
So, shall we go somewhere now,
or...?
92
00:06:00,024 --> 00:06:05,000
Wow. You're keen! I suppose we could
go back to my place. Really?
93
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:09,004
Get to know each other, who knows
where that might lead?
94
00:06:09,004 --> 00:06:11,072
I'm just waiting for my wife.
Your wife?!
95
00:06:11,072 --> 00:06:14,080
Yeah, she's helping me find someone.
OK, listen, I'm not really...
96
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:18,080
Don't worry! There's no pressure.
It's a free choice.
97
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,020
We're a very modern family.
98
00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:25,032
No kidding. You're sure your
wife doesn't mind? It was her idea!
99
00:06:25,032 --> 00:06:28,092
Right, I think I've got four or
five possibles... There's no need.
100
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I've found the one.
101
00:06:30,096 --> 00:06:35,020
He's perfect. Alia's going to
love him. Who's Alia?
102
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,080
My daughter. Why do you think I
needed a man?
103
00:06:38,092 --> 00:06:40,076
WE HAVE TO GO! Hai hai!
104
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Call me!
105
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:51,084
Why don't you at least meet one
of them? No. Just leave me alone.
106
00:06:53,028 --> 00:06:56,032
She won't even meet them.
Tell her how nice they were.
107
00:06:56,032 --> 00:06:59,008
That bunch of lemons!
None of them were suitable!
108
00:06:59,008 --> 00:07:02,076
I'm not going out with some greasy-haired
dork with glasses who works in IT!
109
00:07:02,076 --> 00:07:04,012
They're not all like that.
110
00:07:04,012 --> 00:07:08,092
Look, this one works in data
management. Oh, my God!
111
00:07:08,092 --> 00:07:12,076
Are the swimming towels in here?
I'm going to my room.
112
00:07:12,076 --> 00:07:18,008
What's going on? Your sister's upset because your
mother wants her to be friends with some nerds.
113
00:07:18,008 --> 00:07:20,000
Why don't you just leave her alone?
114
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,068
Because she's got to buck her ideas up and
start mixing with a better class of person!
115
00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:27,040
She's fine. Isn't she, Shazia?
'Course she is!
116
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,024
Anyway, she's already got a
boyfriend.
117
00:07:29,024 --> 00:07:30,096
What?
118
00:07:32,024 --> 00:07:34,040
I mean... She's got a boyfriend?!
119
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:38,036
Maybe. She might have. I'm not sure.
120
00:07:38,036 --> 00:07:41,056
Shazia, Alia hasn't got
a boyfriend,
121
00:07:41,056 --> 00:07:44,040
she doesn't even talk to boys!
122
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:47,044
Except at the ones at her mosque
study group. Oh, my God!
123
00:07:47,044 --> 00:07:52,044
It's probably some big, smelly biker
covered in tattoos!
124
00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:54,084
Sweetie, you're over reacting.
125
00:07:54,084 --> 00:07:56,048
Alia is a good girl.
126
00:07:56,048 --> 00:07:58,092
I'm sure this is all very innocent.
127
00:07:58,092 --> 00:08:05,012
Now, Shazia, this friend who is a
boy/boyfriend,
128
00:08:05,012 --> 00:08:08,044
is it someone who works at
the mosque? No.
129
00:08:08,044 --> 00:08:12,024
The library? I don't think so.
So, where does he work?
130
00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:13,092
The pub.
131
00:08:16,012 --> 00:08:18,068
The pub? Oh, my God!
132
00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:20,056
Nice pub?
133
00:08:20,056 --> 00:08:23,048
The Rat and Shotgun on
Boulders Lane.
134
00:08:23,048 --> 00:08:25,064
Oh, my God.
135
00:08:25,064 --> 00:08:29,000
Calm down, my darling.
That doesn't mean anything.
136
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,080
Lots of perfectly respectable
people go to pubs.
137
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,092
The imam and I once shared an orange
and passion fruit J2O
138
00:08:35,092 --> 00:08:38,088
in the Mucky Ducky in Acocks Green.
139
00:08:38,088 --> 00:08:43,012
I don't think he's an imam. But he's
not what your mother said, huh?
140
00:08:43,012 --> 00:08:45,096
A smelly biker covered
in tattoos? No.
141
00:08:45,096 --> 00:08:48,076
I mean, he's probably not smelly.
142
00:08:48,076 --> 00:08:52,052
And they don't call them tattoos
now, it's more like body art.
143
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:55,088
You like art. Don't you, sweetie?
144
00:08:57,012 --> 00:09:02,000
Does he have a name, this sweet
smelling biker with body art?
145
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,092
I think he's called Scab?
146
00:09:06,008 --> 00:09:09,096
Hai hai! Please, Shazia, just
tell me one thing.
147
00:09:09,096 --> 00:09:14,012
This smelly biker covered in
tattoos, is he Pakistani?
148
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:16,032
Of course he's not Pakistani,
you idiot!
149
00:09:16,032 --> 00:09:18,048
Does Scab sound like a Pakistani
name to you?
150
00:09:18,048 --> 00:09:22,080
What are we going to do?
I'm going to take Naani swimming!
151
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:27,060
Someone is just going to have to go to the
pub and tell this Scab to stop seeing Alia.
152
00:09:27,060 --> 00:09:30,004
But Boulders Green is dangerous!
153
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:34,052
Without armoured support vehicles
it'll be suicide!
154
00:09:34,052 --> 00:09:36,008
Take someone with you, then!
155
00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:39,064
Where am I going to find somebody
stupid enough to come with me?
156
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,040
I can't find a recipe
for drizzle, sir!
157
00:09:47,056 --> 00:09:49,048
Amjad, fancy a pint?
158
00:09:56,072 --> 00:10:01,088
MUSIC: Paranoid by Black Sabbath.
159
00:10:04,084 --> 00:10:07,024
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
160
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,056
Assalam aleikum.
161
00:10:13,032 --> 00:10:15,080
Maybe I should wait in the car?
162
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,020
Amjad! I need you!
163
00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:22,076
What for? In case it all kicks off.
164
00:10:22,076 --> 00:10:26,024
I'm not allowed to make arrests
while I'm off duty, sir.
165
00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:28,016
I don't need you to arrest them,
166
00:10:28,016 --> 00:10:30,060
just give them someone to punch
while I get away.
167
00:10:30,060 --> 00:10:32,032
Oh, right.
168
00:10:33,052 --> 00:10:35,016
Wait, what?
169
00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:40,048
Hello, Mr Waiter. We're looking for
someone called Scab?
170
00:10:42,060 --> 00:10:44,096
LOUD CHEERS
171
00:10:45,096 --> 00:10:48,000
Oh, God.
172
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,064
Not him. Him.
173
00:10:56,060 --> 00:10:59,088
I haven't seen this many beards
since Friday prayers.
174
00:11:03,008 --> 00:11:04,052
MR KHAN HAWKS
175
00:11:04,052 --> 00:11:08,028
Oh, hiya. The changing room's just round
there. If you follow me, I'll show you. What?
176
00:11:08,028 --> 00:11:10,036
Aren't you the act? What act?
177
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:13,052
For the Eurovision night.
I'm guessing you're Conchita?
178
00:11:16,036 --> 00:11:19,080
I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
They all know me! You're Alia's dad!
179
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:22,052
There you go. Oh, I'm so sorry.
And so you should be.
180
00:11:22,052 --> 00:11:27,028
Now, listen to me, young Scabby, me and you need
to have little chitty chatty. Yeah, of course!
181
00:11:27,028 --> 00:11:30,044
May I just say what an absolute
honour it is to meet you, sir.
182
00:11:30,044 --> 00:11:32,016
Is it?
183
00:11:32,016 --> 00:11:33,060
Alia's told me all about you.
184
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:36,052
Has she? Oh, yes. You are a
legend in Sparkhill.
185
00:11:36,052 --> 00:11:38,088
Am I?
186
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:40,096
So, what do you want to chat about?
187
00:11:40,096 --> 00:11:45,020
Oh, yes. Now, are you or are you
not Alia's boyfriend?
188
00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:47,000
Yes. Ah, don't try to deny it!
189
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,024
No, I'm not! I mean, yes, I am
her boyfriend. Ah-ha!
190
00:11:50,024 --> 00:11:53,040
I mean, we like each other
and we hang out together.
191
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:57,056
With other people though, cos obviously I
know it's a sensitive area. It is a bit.
192
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:03,044
OK, I've heard enough. You can't see
Alia any more. What? Why?
193
00:12:03,044 --> 00:12:05,024
Because Mrs Khan told...
194
00:12:06,096 --> 00:12:09,048
I'm sorry, but that's just the
way it is.
195
00:12:09,048 --> 00:12:11,068
I see.
196
00:12:11,068 --> 00:12:13,092
Well, we should probably be going.
197
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,000
Hey, hang on. Is it because
I'm not Muslim?
198
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,004
Yes! That's it. Not Muslim.
199
00:12:21,004 --> 00:12:23,040
We lot are a bit funny about that,
you see.
200
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:26,064
Well, then, that's fine,
because I'm converting. What?
201
00:12:26,064 --> 00:12:28,028
Yeah, I'm converting to Islam.
202
00:12:28,028 --> 00:12:30,048
I've been thinking about it for
ages, actually.
203
00:12:30,048 --> 00:12:32,088
I've read the Koran, done loads
of research
204
00:12:32,088 --> 00:12:35,016
and I go to the mosque all the time.
Good for you.
205
00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:39,052
So, everything's fine then, yeah?
206
00:12:39,052 --> 00:12:44,000
No. You're not Pakistani and there's
no conversion course for that.
207
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,080
Right. I mean, I have
been to Pakistan.
208
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,080
Yeah. I spent a year there with
this charity I work for.
209
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:55,020
My Pakistani name is Amjad.
That's my Pakistani name!
210
00:12:55,020 --> 00:12:59,012
Look, Mr Khan, if I could maybe come
home with you? Speak to Mrs Khan?
211
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,084
I wouldn't recommend that.
212
00:13:01,088 --> 00:13:04,016
I do like Alia ever such a lot.
213
00:13:06,016 --> 00:13:09,052
No! Look, Scabby, you seem
like a nice boy,
214
00:13:09,052 --> 00:13:13,068
but I haven't got time for this, I've got to get to
the Cash and Carry and work out how to make a...
215
00:13:13,068 --> 00:13:17,092
Lemon drizzle cake. ...Before Mrs
Mary Berry bloomin' Malik turns up.
216
00:13:17,092 --> 00:13:20,076
Oh, it's easy. It's just milk,
sugar, eggs, flour, baking powder
217
00:13:20,076 --> 00:13:23,004
and lemons. But you only use
the zest.
218
00:13:25,016 --> 00:13:27,048
I'm a chef.
219
00:13:27,048 --> 00:13:29,084
Fine. Meet me at my house
at four o'clock.
220
00:13:29,084 --> 00:13:31,044
Come on.
221
00:13:38,048 --> 00:13:40,064
Please, come on through.
222
00:13:40,064 --> 00:13:44,064
I must say, I was surprised to hear
that Mrs Khan had entered...
223
00:13:44,064 --> 00:13:47,056
having tasted her gulab jamuns!
224
00:13:47,056 --> 00:13:49,060
It's not her. Oh?
225
00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:52,016
It's me. Oh.
226
00:13:52,016 --> 00:13:55,020
Well, let's get it over with.
Right, OK.
227
00:13:55,020 --> 00:13:57,040
Here's one for you,
228
00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,012
and one for you... Thanks.
229
00:14:00,012 --> 00:14:02,032
One for you.
230
00:14:04,088 --> 00:14:08,048
There's no cake. Don't worry.
It'll be arriving any...
231
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,092
It'll be ready any minute.
232
00:14:10,092 --> 00:14:15,020
Timing is so important in baking,
don't you agree?
233
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,096
Nobody likes a soggy bottom,
do they?
234
00:14:19,068 --> 00:14:21,032
I don't need to tell you.
235
00:14:21,032 --> 00:14:22,088
HE HAWKS
236
00:14:22,088 --> 00:14:26,036
What cake is it?
I'm doing a lemon drizzle cake.
237
00:14:26,036 --> 00:14:29,016
Oh! Well, that's my favourite.
238
00:14:29,016 --> 00:14:31,072
Is it? Is it, really?
239
00:14:31,072 --> 00:14:34,024
I had no idea.
240
00:14:34,024 --> 00:14:36,044
Is it your favourite cake, as well?
241
00:14:36,044 --> 00:14:38,024
No.
242
00:14:38,024 --> 00:14:40,060
How did you become a judge anyway?
I applied.
243
00:14:40,060 --> 00:14:43,004
What qualifications have you got?
244
00:14:43,004 --> 00:14:44,060
Fair enough.
245
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:48,036
I'm sure that between us we'll
be able to come to a fair decision.
246
00:14:48,036 --> 00:14:53,088
Of course, of course. And I'm
sure you're going to love it.
247
00:14:53,088 --> 00:14:58,048
You know, I used an ancient Khan
family recipe.
248
00:14:58,048 --> 00:15:00,092
For lemon drizzle cake?
Oh, yes.
249
00:15:00,092 --> 00:15:05,040
It's my great-great-great-great-great
grandmother's.
250
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:09,048
We thought we'd lost it, but then
I rediscovered it.
251
00:15:09,048 --> 00:15:11,052
Wow. Where did you find it?
252
00:15:11,052 --> 00:15:14,036
On the internet.
253
00:15:14,036 --> 00:15:18,012
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
It must be prayer time!
254
00:15:18,012 --> 00:15:21,092
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
255
00:15:21,092 --> 00:15:26,040
Is everything all right?
Yes, of course.
256
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,052
She loves her prayers!
257
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:32,020
Sweetie! The Bake Off judges!
Never mind about that. Look at this!
258
00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:36,008
Yes, so? It's a pregnancy tester.
Yes, so?
259
00:15:36,008 --> 00:15:38,024
It's positive!
260
00:15:38,024 --> 00:15:40,012
You mean? Exactly.
261
00:15:40,012 --> 00:15:42,084
We're having another baby?!
262
00:15:42,084 --> 00:15:46,092
It's not mine, you bewakoof!
I found it in the bathroom.
263
00:15:46,092 --> 00:15:50,084
Oh, God. Not Naani!
264
00:15:52,048 --> 00:15:55,024
I didn't think that was even
possible. It's not Naani.
265
00:15:55,024 --> 00:15:57,028
Don't be ridiculous. Then who?
266
00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:03,028
Not Alia? Yes. No. Haan.
It can't be.
267
00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:06,024
Just think about it.
She's been under the weather. So?
268
00:16:06,024 --> 00:16:10,012
She's been off her food, feeling
sick! That doesn't mean anything!
269
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:13,028
And she's got that secret
biker boyfriend! I don't believe it!
270
00:16:13,028 --> 00:16:16,084
You better believe it!
Not my sweet Alia!
271
00:16:16,084 --> 00:16:20,048
She would have told me, she always
tells me everything.
272
00:16:20,048 --> 00:16:23,040
Right, then you can go and ask her.
273
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:26,016
What? Oh, twaddi!
274
00:16:27,072 --> 00:16:33,008
So, these are my new blonde highlights, which I
did with a home colouring kit in the bathroom.
275
00:16:33,008 --> 00:16:38,072
And here's my top tip: always dye
your hair when your parents are out.
276
00:16:38,072 --> 00:16:43,040
Because if you get caught,
it'll be embarrassing! Shame.
277
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,008
MR KHAN HAWKS
278
00:16:45,008 --> 00:16:48,028
Alia, sweetie?
I'll talk to you later!
279
00:16:53,088 --> 00:16:57,096
Hello, beti! Hi, Papaji.
280
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,064
Did you want to talk to me
about something?
281
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:06,080
No, I was just passing through.
282
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:09,080
Do you want to come in?
Yeah, why not?
283
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:13,012
Might as well come in and keep
you company, now I'm here.
284
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,032
How are you feeling? All right.
285
00:17:17,032 --> 00:17:21,076
Not feeling sick at all? No. That was
just in the morning.
286
00:17:21,076 --> 00:17:23,064
I'm fine now.
287
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:29,044
Right. That's good.
288
00:17:29,044 --> 00:17:32,036
Beti, your mother and I were
wondering,
289
00:17:32,036 --> 00:17:35,028
is there something you might
want to tell us?
290
00:17:35,028 --> 00:17:36,064
No.
291
00:17:36,064 --> 00:17:42,092
Something that may have happened recently
that might be a bit embarrassing?
292
00:17:42,092 --> 00:17:44,072
No...
293
00:17:44,072 --> 00:17:47,000
Something that you've done?
294
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:53,008
Something that a good Pakistani
Muslim girl shouldn't have done?
295
00:17:53,008 --> 00:17:55,048
Um...
296
00:17:56,052 --> 00:18:01,012
It's just that your mother found
something in the bathroom. Oh.
297
00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:06,004
Is it yours?
It's OK, you can tell me.
298
00:18:06,004 --> 00:18:07,084
I won't be cross.
299
00:18:07,084 --> 00:18:11,012
Yeah, it's mine.
300
00:18:11,012 --> 00:18:15,000
No! Alia, my little baby!
301
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,072
I was going to tell you.
302
00:18:16,072 --> 00:18:18,060
Oh, God!
303
00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:20,036
I was just trying it out.
304
00:18:20,036 --> 00:18:24,028
But you are my best daughter.
How could you do this?
305
00:18:24,028 --> 00:18:28,032
I just wanted to see what
it would be like.
306
00:18:28,032 --> 00:18:32,000
Sweetie, we all get curious about it,
307
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,064
but these things have consequences.
308
00:18:34,064 --> 00:18:36,084
Is it really such a big deal,
though?
309
00:18:36,084 --> 00:18:38,048
Yes!
310
00:18:38,048 --> 00:18:40,084
Only... I quite like it.
311
00:18:40,084 --> 00:18:42,032
No!
312
00:18:42,032 --> 00:18:44,084
I mean, I'm definitely going
to do it again.
313
00:18:44,084 --> 00:18:46,056
Hai hai!
314
00:18:46,056 --> 00:18:50,044
Only next time, I'll probably want
a different colour. Oh, my God!
315
00:18:55,032 --> 00:19:00,028
Well? She's definitely pregnant.
With the first one! What?
316
00:19:00,028 --> 00:19:03,052
Well, let's just say, by the time
she's finished it'll be like
317
00:19:03,052 --> 00:19:06,020
the United Colours of Benetton
around here.
318
00:19:08,044 --> 00:19:11,032
Oh, my God! She's gone completely
off the rails.
319
00:19:11,032 --> 00:19:14,032
What are we going to do?
I just don't understand.
320
00:19:14,032 --> 00:19:18,084
Why and how did this happen?
It must be that greasy biker, Scab!
321
00:19:18,084 --> 00:19:21,072
Do you know what this means?
She'll be ruined!
322
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:25,040
And what about all our hopes for
her university, her career?
323
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:28,036
She was going to be Sparkhill's
first female imam.
324
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:32,004
Well, that's not happening. She
might still get away with it.
325
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,084
They've got a creche.
326
00:19:34,084 --> 00:19:39,048
OK. First, we have to make sure that that
Scab creature is out of the picture. Right.
327
00:19:39,048 --> 00:19:42,080
But that's OK, because you got
rid of him, didn't you?
328
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,000
Oh, yes.
329
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,036
You did get rid of him?
Of course.
330
00:19:47,036 --> 00:19:50,056
I told him never to darken
our doorstep again.
331
00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:52,076
HE HAWKS
332
00:19:52,076 --> 00:19:54,052
DOORBELL RINGS
333
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,016
Who's that? I don't know.
334
00:20:00,004 --> 00:20:03,092
Well, aren't you going to answer it?
Yes. Well, go on, then!
335
00:20:03,092 --> 00:20:06,028
In a minute, there's no rush.
336
00:20:07,048 --> 00:20:12,012
What? I mean, we never get a chance
to chat like this, do we?
337
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,044
It seems a shame to interrupt it!
338
00:20:15,044 --> 00:20:17,084
Is there anything you'd like to
talk about, sweetie?
339
00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:19,036
DOORBELL RINGS
340
00:20:19,036 --> 00:20:22,060
Answer the door! OK, I'm going!
341
00:20:33,076 --> 00:20:36,076
Hai! Oh, hi! Your mother-in-law
let me in.
342
00:20:36,076 --> 00:20:39,008
What are you doing letting strangers
into the house?
343
00:20:39,008 --> 00:20:42,012
He's not stranger.
He's my swimming instructor!
344
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:50,024
What? Yeah, I teach aqua aerobics for
the elderly at the leisure centre.
345
00:20:50,024 --> 00:20:53,008
I think it's important to help
older people keep active.
346
00:20:53,008 --> 00:20:55,052
You're really starting to annoy me.
347
00:20:58,052 --> 00:21:01,000
I brought your cake!
Oh, yes. Thanks.
348
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,076
Now, you have to leave. What? No. I was
thinking, maybe I could speak with Mrs Khan?
349
00:21:04,076 --> 00:21:07,068
Definitely not! I just want to show
her how much I have to give Alia.
350
00:21:07,068 --> 00:21:09,052
You've given her enough already.
351
00:21:10,056 --> 00:21:14,044
Maybe if I spoke to her, told her
how I feel? She's not here. Eh?
352
00:21:14,044 --> 00:21:17,088
There was an emergency. She had
to go out. Oh, where to?
353
00:21:17,088 --> 00:21:20,088
World of Sofas.
We ran out of scatter cushions.
354
00:21:21,088 --> 00:21:25,040
Who ran out of cushions? Hai!
Hi. Who's this?
355
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,092
I don't know. Mrs Khan, I'm Scab.
A friend of Alia's.
356
00:21:28,092 --> 00:21:32,072
Oh, my God! Yes. Oh, my God!
357
00:21:33,084 --> 00:21:36,056
What's he doing here?
Mr Khan invited me.
358
00:21:40,064 --> 00:21:43,092
You know what it's like when you
go to the pub, sweetie!
359
00:21:45,020 --> 00:21:48,048
Have a couple of Fantas and a
Cherryade chaser,
360
00:21:48,048 --> 00:21:51,060
you're making friends with
all kinds of people!
361
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:54,028
I told you to keep him away from
our daughter
362
00:21:54,028 --> 00:21:57,000
and you invited him to our house?
363
00:21:58,064 --> 00:22:02,048
I think you better leave. But what
about Alia? I really care for her!
364
00:22:04,068 --> 00:22:08,064
Sweetie, maybe we've been a
little bit hasty, huh?
365
00:22:08,064 --> 00:22:10,096
What? Scabby seems like a good boy.
366
00:22:10,096 --> 00:22:14,004
Maybe he is the right for Alia,
after all?
367
00:22:14,004 --> 00:22:16,084
But he's not Muslim. Or Pakistani.
368
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:19,040
He's converting. Aren't you? Yeah.
369
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,096
And he's lived in Pakistan.
His Pakistani name is Amjad!
370
00:22:24,036 --> 00:22:27,044
Ha, yeah. And next you'll be
telling me he speaks Urdu(!)
371
00:22:27,044 --> 00:22:29,092
HE SPEAKS URDU
372
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:35,076
See?!
373
00:22:35,076 --> 00:22:39,088
He does seem nice! You're not
at all like how I imagined.
374
00:22:39,088 --> 00:22:41,080
Scab sounds so rough.
375
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,024
Yeah, well, that's actually
from when I was little.
376
00:22:44,024 --> 00:22:46,052
I was always falling over and
getting scabby knees.
377
00:22:46,052 --> 00:22:49,084
So, my mum called me Scabby once
and it just kind of stuck.
378
00:22:49,084 --> 00:22:53,056
My real name's Richard.
Oh, that's much better.
379
00:22:53,056 --> 00:22:56,088
I have to say, you're not quite how I
imagined, either. What do you mean?
380
00:22:56,088 --> 00:23:01,076
Well, the way Mr Khan described you, I thought
you were going to be an absolute dragon!
381
00:23:03,072 --> 00:23:06,060
I just got to check on the judges!
382
00:23:09,012 --> 00:23:13,044
Everything OK? Finally! I can't watch
this man eating crisps any longer.
383
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,360
I told you to keep your eyes shut.
384
00:23:18,068 --> 00:23:22,020
Where have you been? I've been
sprinkling drizzle on my cake.
385
00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:25,004
For ten minutes?
I've got a lot of drizzle.
386
00:23:26,016 --> 00:23:30,072
Where is it then? Oh, twaddi. I left
it in... the oven.
387
00:23:30,072 --> 00:23:33,060
The kitchen's this way.
This is a short cut!
388
00:23:34,084 --> 00:23:36,060
SHE LAUGHS
389
00:23:36,060 --> 00:23:39,016
How are you getting on?
Oh, very well.
390
00:23:39,016 --> 00:23:41,068
I don't know what you were
worrying about.
391
00:23:41,068 --> 00:23:45,020
What are you doing here?
Oh, hey. Your dad invited me.
392
00:23:45,020 --> 00:23:48,064
We just wanted you to be
closer together.
393
00:23:48,064 --> 00:23:51,000
That's close enough!
394
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,088
What's going on? We're getting to
know your boyfriend.
395
00:23:53,088 --> 00:23:55,060
How do you know he's my boyfriend?
396
00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:59,024
We're your parents, Alia.
We instinctively know these things.
397
00:24:00,068 --> 00:24:03,044
Plus, Shazia told us.
398
00:24:03,044 --> 00:24:08,028
Oh, what! We think Scabby here's
very nice. Such a nice young man.
399
00:24:08,028 --> 00:24:11,000
So, you're not bothered about
what the neighbours will think?
400
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,052
Shazia and Amjad?
They'll be fine with it!
401
00:24:14,068 --> 00:24:17,028
Or the ladies at the mosque?
Or Mrs Malik?
402
00:24:17,028 --> 00:24:19,084
Who cares what Mrs Malik thinks?!
403
00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:22,048
Hello? Don't come in!
404
00:24:22,048 --> 00:24:25,088
We can't hang around any longer.
405
00:24:25,088 --> 00:24:27,032
Who's this?
406
00:24:27,032 --> 00:24:29,044
He's my boyfriend. What?
407
00:24:29,044 --> 00:24:32,052
No, not her boyfriend actually.
408
00:24:32,052 --> 00:24:35,016
Her fiance. What? What?
409
00:24:36,020 --> 00:24:39,080
That's right, they're getting
married!
410
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:44,052
We're not getting married!
Yes, you are! Congratulations!
411
00:24:44,052 --> 00:24:48,000
No need to ask what they've
been getting up to then.
412
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,096
Oh, where are you going? Mr Khan,
I'm sorry. I can't get married.
413
00:24:50,096 --> 00:24:54,000
Why not? You've done everything else.
414
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,084
What's going on? Alia's getting
married. What? Who to?
415
00:24:57,084 --> 00:25:01,064
NAANI: My swimming instructor.
Papaji?
416
00:25:01,064 --> 00:25:05,084
It's OK, beti. Your mother
and I forgive you.
417
00:25:05,084 --> 00:25:07,020
What for?
418
00:25:07,020 --> 00:25:10,028
You know, the thing we found
in the bathroom.
419
00:25:10,028 --> 00:25:13,092
That's why I have to get married?
Haan!
420
00:25:13,092 --> 00:25:15,064
Well, I missed that meeting!
421
00:25:16,064 --> 00:25:19,044
I knew it! She's pregnant.
422
00:25:19,044 --> 00:25:21,004
What?!
423
00:25:21,004 --> 00:25:23,072
Yeah, what?
Please, don't tell anyone.
424
00:25:23,072 --> 00:25:27,068
Hold on. I'm not pregnant.
That's right. She's not pregnant.
425
00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:31,036
And that's our story
and we're sticking to it.
426
00:25:31,036 --> 00:25:34,048
Riaz, You need to book the mosque
next week, huh?
427
00:25:34,048 --> 00:25:38,028
I can't say I'm surprised,
this family is a disgrace.
428
00:25:38,028 --> 00:25:40,092
You've brought shame on
the whole community!
429
00:25:42,036 --> 00:25:47,028
All right, that's enough! We've got
nothing to be ashamed of!
430
00:25:47,028 --> 00:25:50,096
OK, so my good daughter might have
got herself knocked up
431
00:25:50,096 --> 00:25:53,012
by some bloke she met in the pub.
432
00:25:53,012 --> 00:25:58,072
And, yes, he may not be Pakistani, but
he's a good boy and he cares for her.
433
00:25:58,072 --> 00:26:01,092
And the important thing is he's
converting!
434
00:26:01,092 --> 00:26:05,084
Riaz, we're going to have to book him in
for the snippy-snippy next week, too!
435
00:26:06,088 --> 00:26:09,052
But Papaji, really -
I'm not pregnant.
436
00:26:09,052 --> 00:26:14,008
Yes, you are! You know, the
embarrassing thing you did...
437
00:26:14,008 --> 00:26:16,040
You mean, dying my hair?
438
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,052
What?
439
00:26:19,052 --> 00:26:23,000
I dyed my hair in the bathroom.
It's Tahitian Sunrise.
440
00:26:24,016 --> 00:26:27,076
But what about the morning sickness? I ate
one of your practice cakes last night!
441
00:26:27,076 --> 00:26:29,088
It was horrible.
442
00:26:31,036 --> 00:26:34,072
But then how do you explain this?
It's not mine.
443
00:26:34,072 --> 00:26:36,032
Well, it's not mine.
444
00:26:36,032 --> 00:26:38,044
Don't look at me!
445
00:26:38,044 --> 00:26:40,032
I try not to!
446
00:26:41,044 --> 00:26:43,056
It's mine. What?
447
00:26:43,056 --> 00:26:45,052
I did the test round here earlier.
448
00:26:45,052 --> 00:26:48,092
I wanted to be sure, before I
told everyone!
449
00:26:48,092 --> 00:26:50,084
So...
450
00:26:50,084 --> 00:26:52,068
What?
451
00:26:53,092 --> 00:26:58,024
YOU'RE having another baby?
Yes! And so are you!
452
00:26:58,024 --> 00:27:00,032
OH!
453
00:27:01,032 --> 00:27:04,024
I'm going to be a granny again!
454
00:27:04,024 --> 00:27:06,048
In your face!
455
00:27:10,032 --> 00:27:13,080
It's my grandchild, too! Oh, yes.
Sorry.
456
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,064
I mean, congratulations!
457
00:27:16,064 --> 00:27:20,024
Oh, how about some lemon
drizzle cake?
458
00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:28,036
It's absolutely disgusting!
459
00:27:28,036 --> 00:27:29,084
I thought you said you were a chef?
460
00:27:29,084 --> 00:27:31,084
I never said I was any good!
461
00:27:31,134 --> 00:27:35,684
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